Thread: Tell me about self harm

This thread as gone a long a bit, but i'm still gonna give my input.
It's something that happens a lot in the heat of the moment, and it's a very lonely thing. I have like 3 years of experience <_____<
I do it mostly when feeling overwhelmed with anger/sadness. It was calming, like Zhaylin/Dianeva said. It gets your mind off of things, and I also am particular with it like Zhaylin xD It's just this complete impulse that makes me want to feel pain. I remember the first time I did it, i didn't think I'd do it again, but it becomes addicting. There's a literal chemical addiction about it, the endorphins that are released in the brain when pain occurs. Before I started getting "depressed" i thought it was weird too. I never thought it would affect me. It's something that completely takes over your life. I remember for months on end, I would do it for like an hour, multiple times a day. It happened in spurts though, I would go 3 months with doing it every day, to a month with only doing it every so often, and so on. It's the type of thing you can't really explain to people; it's something people don't fully understand, unless they have experienced it personally. A lot of people give it the stigma with attention, a lot of people do it for that reason but definitely not the majority. A lot of people just don't get it though, because it's such a socially unaccepted behavior.

But the first time you did it, couldn't you stop and just... iunno, cry instead? Scream into a pillow? Fantasize about death and suffering or whatever?

No....that's the point.

So the first time you felt like self harming you couldn't control yourself to not do it...

I can't imagine ever feeling like that....

Well your mind isn't really in full rational mode .__.
The first time is usually like an impulse like I said (or at least the initial urge). It's not like my arm was out of control and I had no control of my motor skills. It's a mental thing. You don't really care about anything else.

And I doubt crying and screaming will help much.

Ugh. I used to scream. Mentally. I gave myself migraines because I would scream inside my own head so loudly. That did not help at all. When I was a kid/teen, all I wanted a peace and silence. And to this day, I guess that need is what drives me the most.
Chaos has always been my biggest enemy. When my external world becomes chaotic, I hide in my room (when I was a kid I would sneak out of the house, build forts in the woods, write novellas and I even ran away when I was about 14). When my internal world becomes chaotic, cutting drives it back. It clears the head and calms the nerves better and faster than anything else I've tried.
And (unfortunately) I'm all about instant gratification.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

When my external world becomes chaotic, I hide in my room (when I was a kid I would sneak out of the house, build forts in the woods, write novellas and I even ran away when I was about 14).

You just gave me an inspiration Zhaylin. I should just run away without telling anyone, probably leaving one small note saying, "I'm running away. I'll be back. Don't bother finding me.", that would feel so great because I've never been that rebellious.

<entering mom mode> That is a very dangerous thing to do. I don't recommend it. And doggone it, I keep forgetting how old you are!
I was gone for about 10 days. It was the best yet most miserable 10 days of my life. I ended up turning myself in (called a relative) because I felt guilty about the anguish I was certain my parents were going through. I left a note before I left that reminded my mom that I had to go to the library that day, and that I would be home in the afternoon for her to take me. It was a very rotten thing to do.
And after I came home, my relationship with my dad suffered and never fully recovered.

I'm 20 this year. I'm coming out to work soon. I was thinking of going on a holiday alone or with a very good friend without telling anyone after I've saved up some money. Probably just leave a note or something. Only problem is my passport is with my mum.

Ahhhh, 20 is acceptably old enough to run away if you really want to


Try to find a way to get the passport from her or save up and buy a replacement (say you lost or damaged yours or something).

I don't think running away is very nice :3

Originally Posted by Solarflare

I don't think running away is very nice :3

I know. I know my mum will be worried, and probably my family members too.

But I find that might be a good way for me to break out of the invisible force that was controlling me for so many years, to be a good person and such. And to tell them I'm really upset. I should start thinking of a good note to write so they don't worry too much.

You are actually going to do it?

Well, good luck on your endeavors.

I've only done it when me and my father have a huge fight, I go to my room and hurt myself by using blade.

Im not a cutter..but i did have a habit of scratching. I would scratch until I bled. A little more effort but way more painful with less pleasure. Although, I mostly would just throw myself at nature and see what she could do. That translates to scars everywhere, lol.

I have a friend would cuts in visible areas only. He is the kind of person who will try to get peoples attention with his pain then drag them into his downward spiral with him. His behavior is poisonous and I had to build some extraordinary walls to keep his negativity away from me.

I still pick when I am experiencing anxiety but I have been really focused on self improvement the last few years so im doing much better. I even have some premature balding due to picking my scalp among other things.

The thing with masochism is general is the emotional gain from the experience. Most of the time it is because the person was not taught how to deal with emotions properly. That happens to be most of the people in the world. We are such an external world that we have no methods for dealing with internal reality.

Its always a vicious cycle...anger..pain..anger..pain..shame..anger..pa in...and repeat...You have to break out of the cycle and that takes constant reminders. Constant vigilance...turn that obsessive power against your negativity...Eventually, you can balance things again, but its just about as hard as pushing a rock up a hill for eternity.

This thought has kept me going....If thats what it takes, I must....

Originally Posted by Carrot

I know. I know my mum will be worried, and probably my family members too.

But I find that might be a good way for me to break out of the invisible force that was controlling me for so many years, to be a good person and such. And to tell them I'm really upset. I should start thinking of a good note to write so they don't worry too much.

The best way to tell someone you are upset is to say it...dont be afraid of the consequences..you need this courage for yourself because even if you do run away, they will continue to misinterpret your actions. You are expecting them to think a certain way about what you will do but thats not how it will go down. Speak your mind and be sure to back up your words with actions...Maybe telling them how you feel and leaving for a few days would help. But clear communication is key, that way they cant put words in your mouth or say you are doing things for some bullshit reason...

I was never into cutting, but I used to burn myself with various things daily during the most depressed periods of my life.

Spoiler for previously made statements resonate with me the most:

Originally Posted by Erii

Its something that happens a lot in the heat of the moment, and it's a very lonely thing.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

I often feel as though I'm judged as weak and shy by others, so it feels a bit liberating to cause harm to myself, because I feel as though I must not be weak if I can bear to cause myself to bleed on purpose."

Originally Posted by Dianeva

The pain and the fact that I can see a visible mark there makes me feel like my emotions are validated. It's like I'm transferring the emotional pain onto my physical body, expressing it, so it's there and visible, even though I'm the only one who will see it.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

I had no emotional tools for coping with stress.

Originally Posted by Chimpertainment

Most of the time it is because the person was not taught how to deal with emotions properly. That happens to be most of the people in the world. We are such an external world that we have no methods for dealing with internal reality.

For me personally, it was about redirecting the emotions that i could not control into something that i could. I felt so helpless in the face of things that hurt me so deeply (emotionally) it felt somehow more bearable to inflict a lesser pain (physical) myself, in order to have some sort of choice in the matter...and also some sort of closure.

Things would escalate to a point where I felt I was simply unable to cope, like I was dangling on the edge of an abyss emotionally...and those were the times where physical pain brought me back to at least some kind of reality, however skewed.

The pain was almost like the sensation of all my anger and desperation and confused emotions coming to the surface, and once I was done it was like I had purged myself of them (at least temporarily). With emotional pain, it lingers...the feeling of being hurt does not go away...with physical pain it is only intense for a short time and when its over it ceases.

Only the scars linger, much like the emotional scars that result from traumatic experiences. But in time I have learned that even those can fade...they may not disappear completely, but at least now I can in some ways limit how they affect me.

The world can still upset me and leave a negative impression sometimes, but these days I try my best not to add my own fuel to that fire.

Don't fucking start. Just don't. Picking up the blade is the start of a never ending roller coaster of emotion and temptation. Something bad happens? You'll think about it. Just a tiny bit sad? You'll think about it. Bored? You'll think about it. Haven't done it in a while? You'll think about it. It will always be in the back of your mind implanted in your brain as the first thing you'll want to resort to.

I do it whenever my emotions get a bit too extreme, it helps me calm down. I don't do it because I want to commit suicide, because I don't. I just don't really know what to do with the emotion.

I wish I'd never started.

I posted this in the R & R, C&C thread

Always Hide mine too, its not about the attention,

I know exactly what you mean, its like a way to release the pain, Its not like I do it when I'm happy, but I have panic attacks and honestly it stops them from continuing or going on, its like letting go of emotional pain through physical pain to match it. and like I said I try to hide it and do for the most part, very few close people ever have known that I have cut.

Honestly it depends on the person. Some people say it's all about the pain, others feel totally numb when they do it. For me I mostly felt numb. It's reinforced positively and negatively, positively because you get the endorphins for pain relief, and negatively because, at least temporarily, it's removing whatever emotion pain or craving you're feeling.

So a lot of people do it again for those reasons.

As for why people do it, that's a bit harder. Not totally sure. And most people have down points in their lives, but some people have that all the time, even to the extent of wanting to kill themselves. A lot of people say "Nothing's wrong with your life, just suck it up", but those are usually the people who've never been that low. It's not that easy sometimes. And how people start... curiosity, a friend does it and says it helps, or I guess instinct. I have no idea how I learned to do it, so I assume it was the last for me.

And for the popularity, it's estimated 1/10 people have tried it. I made an anonymous survey for my high school, and it was pretty much spot on that (out of about 300-400 total results). People are just probably more likely to talk about it because it's the web

If you want to ask me anything about it, I'm pretty open. I did it for about 9 years, haven't done it for 2 but I still think about it. A lot. And I've been friends with about 20 people who have/used to, so I know a bit about why they do it. And if anyone else wants to talk or anything, PM me. I've been through it.

Okay, I know this is an old thread but sometimes it feels good to express some emotions.

I self-harmed once, when things were looking really bad in life and I immediately regretted it. It was and remains to be the single, most stupid thing I have ever done in my life and not that many people know about it, I’m truly ashamed of that moment in my life and if I could go back and undo it I would, but the small scars under my watch strap will remain as a testament of my stupidity.

Now if ever I need a pain vent to either hide the emotional pain or just mask it till I’m ready to deal with it I use a multitude of outputs, ranging from pinging an elastic band or hair tie against my wrist or tearing off my cuticles to pressing my fingers against a sharp object like a pen-knife, a pin, a pair of scissors or a reasonably blunt kitchen knife. It helps. Especially the wrist pinging. It helps with me anger as well as… anything else.

So thanks for the thread, for the place to ‘express’

Don't do it. Having freaking scars on your arms sucks. Having to wear long sleeve shirts because you don't want your family and friends to know sucks. Having to look at the scars and always be reminded of your emotional pain sucks. Then when you get overwhelmingly sad and angry again you'll think of doing it. But it never helps.

Originally Posted by saltyseedog

Don't do it. Having freaking scars on your arms sucks. Having to wear long sleeve shirts because you don't want your family and friends to know sucks. Having to look at the scars and always be reminded of your emotional pain sucks. Then when you get overwhelmingly sad and angry again you'll think of doing it. But it never helps.

It's not always that simple.

when I was a teenager I felt like I was going crazy, the changes of puberty collided with my gender identity, it felt like a wedge was begin hammered between my mind body and soul, it's difficult to describe how exactly gender dysphoria feels but my flesh might aswell have been rotting off my bones.

It wasn't just an internal struggle, externally aswell my family and peers it was obvious that I was a poor imitation for a boy, shy, insecure, effeminate and grossly unpopular. they pressure you to behave a certain way when you don't (And I didn't) you get exposed to horrific abuse. (spat on, beaten unconscious regularly, stolen from, urinated on, thrown in dustbins for starters)
your mum notices you don't goto class and calls you a lazy waste of space ect.

I had no control over anything and I hated myself so badly. So I lashed out against myself with vicious sadistic acts of self-destruction just give you a sense of control. Whether that's carving enormous 1cm deep gashes in your arms and legs and bleeding yourself sick or starving yourself until your skeletal it didn't matter it gave me control that I craved.

I hid these habits and I was so disliked only when 20% of my body was covered in scars and my BMI dropped to 16 did anyone even notice. (and even then nobody did anything)

They didn't care (or didn't understand), I didn't care, Torturing my tiny body to death was the only joy I had. When I wasn't doing that I wishing for death, I did attempt suicide twice.

Guess what after that it didn't get better... it got worse

I lament the fact that I self harmed... but I can't regret it,
it was one of my only emotional crutches in a world of hell, and probably the only reason I didn't die...

I am reminded of the pain seeing them... but that's not a bad thing, It's important for me that I never forget the reasons for the tough decisions I made.