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    Thread: Tell me about self harm

    1. #51
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      <span class='glow_8B0000'>Narwhal</span>'s Avatar
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      I'm soory if this is a little gruesome or triggering. For me since I was little I liked how it felt when my cats scratched me up, sometimes I would play with them just so they would. Then into teen years I scratched myself up with needles. Then about 2 or 3 years ago It was a bad time in my life, and I got possessed by demons, (I know it sounds silly). So when they tried to over power my mind like they did my eyes I would grab a razor and slice my shin and calves from the ankle to the knee all the way around because my pants hide it and I thought that the air hitting my insides sucked the demons out of me like a vacuum, that's just what I thought. Then I would paint pictures with my blood because I didn't want the blood to go to waste. What put an end to it was the night this man came to my house and he brought with him a very strong demon and it went after me and It tried to get me to sell my soul, I curled up on my bed and did my chants but my bed started shaking so I went and sat on the floor but then the whole house started swaying back and forth so then I swayed so I could pretend it was just me that was moving and I did the razor to my legs thing but It didn't work because it was a big demon, I ran out the room for no reason then became furious for no reason then ran back into my room blacked out because I don't remember doing it but I guess I grabbed the razor then took it to my left arm and sliced it open like butterflied shrimp, it was cut wayyy too deep which brought me back from the shock and the demon got sucked out, but i could see my arm fat in the wound what creeps me out is it never bled as if the demon burnt my blood vessels and veins on the way out. I ran and jammed neosporin in it then a big bandaid, it was so stupid though because now I have this massive scar i have to hide. My grandma and uncle about it, but I have nothing to say. It's embarrassing. now i just stick to peircings, my artwork and short stories from that time scares me so i threw most of it away
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    2. #52
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      Just to add a voice that sometimes self harm can be less extreme, but same principle:

      when my parents separated and I was a teenager, and I could not cope with it emotionally, I would literally bang my head against a wall. Not very hard, just barely enough to feel the physical pain, and thus dull the emotional a bit. It helped, it really did.

      Now as an adult occasionally when I am too stressed, I will bite my finger, not my finger nail - my finger - but again just barely enough to feel pain, or I will sometimes pull my hair - again just barely enough to feel it.

      Usually I will do these things subconsciously without thinking, often when i am too distracted (for example looking at the computer screen), and when no one is around, and they are a sign to myself that the stress has gotten to me too much. If I am good about it, I will catch the message and will start acting to reduce the stress. The thing is that this translation of emotional pain or stress into physical pain actually does work: it helps.

      And it is much more common than people acknowledge.We have popular sayings such as "banging my head against the wall", "pulling my hair out", for a reason: those are ways humans cope. To some extent it is natural to do so, as long as one does not go to an extreme. Society has taboos about it, but society has a lot of taboos that actually repress human behavior to a point that brings it out in a much worse form behind closed doors, I think. I bet self-harm is much more common, but people don't admit it. And small amounts of self-harm such as pulling one's hair just enough to hurt but not enough to pull one's hair out, how does that harm society? And if the person doing it says it helps, is that necessarily a problem?

      Of course, anything like this the more extreme the behavior, the worse of a problem it is. Wouldn't want to hurt oneself too much, leave scars and all that. But there is a gradient of this kind of behavior: there are people who don't do it at all, people who do serious damage to themselves, and all kinds of behaviors in between. And all I am saying is that I don't believe all the in between behaviors are a problem necessarily: they are a coping mechanism with a life that at times is too hard to cope with, and if it helps more than it hurts, perhaps it can be a valid way of coping for some or even for many of us?
      Last edited by JoannaB; 03-17-2013 at 12:00 PM.
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    3. #53
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      I used to bang my head against things as well, like the metal doors at my middle school. Immediately takes away the head aches or frustration. From your post, I don't feel as ashamed as before
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    4. #54
      <span class='glow_9400D3'>saltyseedog</span>'s Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Narwhal View Post
      I'm soory if this is a little gruesome or triggering. For me since I was little I liked how it felt when my cats scratched me up, sometimes I would play with them just so they would. Then into teen years I scratched myself up with needles. Then about 2 or 3 years ago It was a bad time in my life, and I got possessed by demons, (I know it sounds silly). So when they tried to over power my mind like they did my eyes I would grab a razor and slice my shin and calves from the ankle to the knee all the way around because my pants hide it and I thought that the air hitting my insides sucked the demons out of me like a vacuum, that's just what I thought. Then I would paint pictures with my blood because I didn't want the blood to go to waste. What put an end to it was the night this man came to my house and he brought with him a very strong demon and it went after me and It tried to get me to sell my soul, I curled up on my bed and did my chants but my bed started shaking so I went and sat on the floor but then the whole house started swaying back and forth so then I swayed so I could pretend it was just me that was moving and I did the razor to my legs thing but It didn't work because it was a big demon, I ran out the room for no reason then became furious for no reason then ran back into my room blacked out because I don't remember doing it but I guess I grabbed the razor then took it to my left arm and sliced it open like butterflied shrimp, it was cut wayyy too deep which brought me back from the shock and the demon got sucked out, but i could see my arm fat in the wound what creeps me out is it never bled as if the demon burnt my blood vessels and veins on the way out. I ran and jammed neosporiitn in it then a big bandaid, it was so stupid though because now I have this massive scar i have to hide. My grandma and uncle about it, but I have nothing to say. It's embarrassing. now i just stick to peircings, my artwork and short stories from that time scares me so i threw most of it away
      I was possessed by a demon over a year and a half ago. I couldn't sleep for four days because everytime I started to fall asleep I could feel it come into me. And when I did fall asleep I would have some horrible nightmare that looked like something out of the ring.
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    5. #55
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      Quote Originally Posted by saltyseedog View Post
      I was possessed by a demon over a year and a half ago. I couldn't sleep for four days because everytime I started to fall asleep I could feel it come into me. And when I did fall asleep I would have some horrible nightmare that looked like something out of the ring.
      I didn't sleep to well when I possessed either, I would usually get 2 hours of sleep a night and on good nights I got up to four hours then would go a couple day without any sleep at all, but then I started doing something that I still do to this day, I sleep with my tv on so the flashing lights distract me from any of the visual stuff they'd try to do to keep me up, and I would turn the volume low so it was just low mumbling which block all the noise stuff they'd distract me with and I go to sleep facing the wall and my cat sleeps in my room on the floor because my dad told me when I was little that my cat named crow would protect me from the demons, so now I can't help but feel comfort when a cat sleeps in my room with me whether cats scare them off or not
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      I used to hurt myself..... I have cuts on the front side of my whole lower part of my arm..... I did it with knife.... I did it because I feel a lot less worth than others and I was kinda depressed.....after I've done it the first time I did it almost ever since..... I have like 30 cuts ..... or so..... and you don't understand it it became like a DRUG.......I didn't think it would...and yes it hurts...but since I did it the first time then every time I was feeling very bad I had to cut myself but it felt like a drug like something makes me do it....but now I stopped

    7. #57
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      For about a year I would go onto a chatroom and just listen to what people had to say about their issues, people who partook in self harm all the time.

      Honestly the buildup somewhat reminds me of a panic attack in the sense that so much emotion and expression is leading up to it, for an intense release. Everyone's different but that's something I've found somewhat consistent. In that regard, I can relate. There was once a time when I was just so swept up in intense thoughts and emotions and could NOT find a release, and I felt a bit of a masochistic side come about, reached for scissors, and slashed at my chest. I've only done this once (thankfully) but the release of stress felt immensely satisfying. The act of physically opening pores felt metaphorically relieving and since focus has now been diluted, it put distance between myself and the issues I had been facing.

      While there was part of me that related back as a kid, injuring myself from time to time as discipline I'd felt I deserved, I knew this was different. It felt more wrong, because I knew at my age that there were alternatives for dealing with the mess I was at.

      I did not want to continue doing it because I knew that I would grow to associate it as my go-to means of stress relief, as a lot of people on that chatroom had. Eventually, within that cloud of intense emotions and stress, the immobile image of wanting to cut returns again and again and with that reassociates with the dark emotions that led them to cut once before. Not always, but typically, there's a recurring cycle with someone who has a problem with doing it all the time. Cutting is not solving the root of the stress, just expressing a buildup of emotion. Confronting and resolving the problem at it's core is the only way to stop the cycle (wayyyyy easier said that done lol, don't think for a second I'm implying that it is )

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