elevatedthought

i was at a picnic table in the dark late at night with a couple ppl (dont remember) and also hayley m. i told her, after mustering up some courage, "you know, you're always in my dreams, all the time. which is weird bc you are the cousin i least interact with in real life" it was ironic i said that because i was actually in a dream with her saying that, but i was unaware that i was in a dream at this time.

jen was pregnant. wearing a white dress and visibly big. ben was there and i talked to him on the phone before i got there. he said that jen and him had a fight and she was crying and i thought it was a huge deal so i was trying to talk him through it. but when i got there, ben seemed to think it wasn't a big deal at all and she was just "being jen". he tried to cuddle me and stuff and i felt really weird bc he was with jen but for some reason i thought " well maybe he is just friendly and we were pretty close friends before so he might just be trying to bring those days back". so i snuggled him.

jump to matthew and i. we were cuddling and stuff and then he went into this big conference room with all these people. amazingly enough, i decided i must do a hand stand. i somehow was so strong and it was really effortless i could just lift my whole body off the ground. i was naked and i thought matt might like the view of my legs wobbling around above the couch that was in front of me.

suddenly i switched to matthews perspective. i was matt. i was sitting in the conference room and i saw my legs and it looked just like i was fucking someone bc the couch was covering my torso and the legs were just sticking up. i saw a flashback of some times we had together and felt genuine hurt.

back to nat. matt walks in and somehow i know what he thinks. i try to play it off cool like i don't know so that it looks really natural bc i really dont have anything to hide anyway. idk what happened after that.

i was staring at a bag of oreo hershey chocolates in bens bed. i studied the whole packaging and watched ben eat one. i wanted one but decided against it bc it was so rich. then hayley m walks in the door bc she lives in the room in the back, which was wear jen was sleeping or crying or whatever.

there was also a lot of drama bc i was supposed to go to epr and mike was setting shit up and stuff but then mom interfered and i was all pissed and i was in some random town but i apparently thought it was santa clara. i ran into axel and then ali c, and ali was crying real hard and we both exchanged our weird nights. she seemed worried for me when i told her my stuff and i tried to reassure her i would be ok, i was working on sobriety.

at one point in the dream i was trying to get into my apartment and there was this girl at the door and she said you cant go in with pills. i had to show her that it was just allergy medication and she said it doesnt matter swallow it. and i said no because its fexofenadine and it makes me awake and i don't want to feel that way and she said what about the other pills and i said really firmly no it's lithium and i don't want to be tired and the other is trazodone and i'm not falling asleep yet! and she bitterly let me just go in. wtf and my apt was like a small kitchen and thats it.

i also remember when i was in the park with hayley it started smelling horrible and i said 'dont worry guys its just the houses back there' and they were all like wtf and i was like 'yeah i have no idea what goes on back there but it just smells randomly sometimes'
it was weird bc i could actually smell in my dream.

had no lucid breakthroughs probably because i havent been trying so hard the last 2 weeks bc of exhaustion idk why im so tired lately? weird and opposite of me. but my mind is workin overtime . alright i'm out, i have my psychiatrist for that shit.