lucid

i was at some hotel bc i was gathering with a bunch of people for 2 funerals, one was katies mom and the other was matt's grandma. there was a russian boy there that i was interested in . he was really into BALOONS. they were his love, but only in drawings and he liked to draw balloons. at one point we hooked up. dunno the kid but looked like the russian kid in diversity class.

anyway i realized i was lucid. immediately flew away from the people (it was night) and into this private room with a fountain and a huge fish on display in a tank. it was beautiful and huge bay windows.

i knew exactly what i wanted to do in the dream bc i thought about what i would do if i were lucid again before i fell asleep. i wanted to see ozzy and talk to him. i looked out the window and tried to expect him to be there. suddenly it was day and there was construction going on. i imagined him in his beanie and then i just saw a guy in a beanie. then i was like NOO expect ozzy expect ozzy. then a latino rounded the corner. dammit but close both times.

i remember opening a door and trying to see ozzy on the other side. it just wasnt working. i think i lost focus on whether i was dreaming or not bc some kids ran in the room and distracted me. i kicked them out.

also had a false awakening.

Lucid for hours, felt like

Kept checking hand consistently throughout the whole thing.

realized i was in a dream bc i did the pinching the nose and breathing air technique. i did that instead of the hand thing bc i was with my family and didnt want them to think i was a freak staring at my hands. but then when i could breath in, i checked my hands as well. yup its a dream

I lived in a different house it was sort of a city-country type feel. I wanted to show mom really bad that it was lucid and I got really excited and said I could fly. It took me a while I had to go in a different room. Look at my hands alone. Then sit cross –legged on the floor and kind of meditate. Then I could fly if I tried really hard. I showed mom and she was laughing and happy when I flew in.

Then I kind of got stuck just flying in the house. I really wanted to fly outside. I finally managed to do that. I flew out and flew to this random building. It was super high and not very nice. Flew past all the windows, saw people sleeping in their beds (it was super early in the AM), saw people’s homes. Went into one empty bedroom. Found a suitcase. Opened it to see what was inside, interested in my dream’s surprises. LOTS of money, bills and bills rolled in there. Grabbed a handful of fifties. Random giftcard in there. Wanted some hundreds, expected it, found it. I took all the money planning to go on a spending spree for lucid fun.

I stared at my hands a lot for fun. I couldn’t stop counting them bc it was so weird and interesting and kept reaffirming that I was dreaming. I could think very clearly. Was scared I would wake up bc of the thinking clearly but I didn’t. I noticed the architecture around the room- there were weird, roman looking tables that mom had got and they had diagonal marble designs all around them.

I was playing with Trevor and Jackson in the dream, who were in the house. I tried to make Trevor (or Jackson) levitate, I don’t think it worked.

At another point in the dream this guy was like a conducter for the whole city, he made everyone go “uuuuuuuuum ah’ or something and the whole city was humming like that. Alex was like ‘we will find our lost cat this way’ bc apparently the noise was like a racecar and would scare all the cats out.

I was in my room a lot, looking around and out the window. Window to countryside and grass. Room was very cute. Mom was in her striped pjs. Trippin on my hands is so interesting…

i had a very stable lucid dream just now, felt like it lasted hours, very vivid, very realistic. to me this is the biggest achievement bc i integrated all the methods i learned- hand checking, expectation, stabilizing, repeating it's a dream, etc... and it worked wtf!!!

ok so first i was getting into heroin (which is bc before i fell asleep i watched this documentary about how meth is an epidemic in sf for gay men- guess i just changed it to heroin). i injected myself for the first time and felt a rush. then i had to walk to my house. on the way though, everything got weird, fast. suddenly i noticed there was a lot of commotion and flashing lights and people running. it was bright daylight and i felt so good bc i was high so i almost didn't care. in fact i actually didnt care bc i was on the phone with ashley and i was telling her all this random shit about how gay people had more rights now and that i finally saw '21 and over' and couldnt stop quoting it (which really isnt true). while i was on the phone, sam b from scu was on my street and he looked at me and motioned with his hands and he was like 'there is an accident!' or something. i actually ignored him bc i sort of forgot he said that in the dream

eventually eric from scu came and said there is an accident and i was freaking out this time and i thought it was my fault but eric wouldnt give any details. i piggy back rode on his back to my house wtf and then at my house i had all my prep stuff and supplies and injected myself with more heroin and was in this heavy delirium and it was almost so intense that i thought i was going to explode or something. i looked out my window and saw an almost transparent reflection- a heavily armed man with a helmet and all this gear and camo aiming a huge gun straight at me. i heard 2 shots (not really loud like a real gun?) fired and i was crouching low under the window.

at that moment i realized that mom was going to come home from work soon and i had all this drug shit out. i also realized that if the cops came to save me or something i was screwed bc i had the paraphenelia. so i quickly tried to fix it but i was noddin off from the h. false awakening: mom came into my room. she didnt notice the stuff tho, bc i kind of put shit on top of it to cover it. but i started crying and hugged her so tight bc i was freakin out bc there was a guy aiming a gun at my window. mom started hugging me too but it was really tight and suddenly she was chocking me around the neck with her "hug". i literally couldnt breathe (felt like) and i was trying to stay "stop" but it was so hard. she finally stopped and left.

i had to figure out why the gunman was there. i found a bunch of journals in my room that were mom's. they were heavily detailed, there were lots of drawings she made of architecture and random scribbling notes all over it. mom can't draw but the drawings were actually very good. i tried to look and see if the drawings were her or printed from a publisher onto the pg, and it required me to analyze the pages really hard and the images are fresh in my head of the renderings. it was hard to tell whether she drew in it. but there was a lot of writing about John Baptist the Third, whoever that is. Mom suddenly came into my room and said we need to go, we need to escape. so i followed her and i was like mom wtf is going on and she wouldnt really tell me and i was like MOM WHO IS JOHN BAPTIST THE III? and she was like 'natalie. i'm the mother of john baptist the iii" and i was like "is that our cousin jonny??" and she was like "no, its the prominent mormon leader. im the most educated person on the topic in the world" and i was like "ARE YOU MORMON??" and she was like "oh god no" and then i realized WTF this is absurd. i realized it had to be a dream. i was like "MOM this is a fcking dream and that's not true!" and mom was like "no it isnt" and i was like "OH YA? lemme prove it!! can i FLY in real life?" and i flew and then she was just like indifferent.

i went home so i could do some lucid shit. i decided to stare at stuff and make it morph. i had this cubical shot class and i looked at each side and made the image on it change to wat i wanted. i chose pokemon and a bunny. then i decided to let my dream choose the sides. each time i turned it there was this elaborate neon pattern.

then the dream switched to me being in a car with casey and some guy. i still knew it was lucid tho. the dude gave me a mint and i dont like chocolate mint so i wanted a snickers so i just expected a snickers and it was! more affirmation that its a dream. when we got to casey's house, there was about to b this huge reception or something. it was a pretty nice house. i was in the living room and alex came in. i was like "dude idk im stuck in this dream and i cant really get out (bc i had tried to wake up earlier bc the gunman was so fkin scary but i kept wakin up to mom like i mentioned). he was like "this isnt a dream nat" and i just started floating to prove it. i was like "u wanna fly too?" and he was like "well ... damn ok ya sure" and then we just kinda flew around the house together and had this good sibling connection for a sec. then i went straight to the back door (where all the guests were coming in) and wanted to mess with them bc i knew it wouldnt matter bc its just a dream. ryan n zach dp were there and i flew straight up close to their faces and was like yelling random shit like "goobideegooo blaaa!!!" and they were all confused lol.

then the guests started leaving and i wandered outside and noticed a huge board of artwork. it was actually the most interesting art ever like i dont even know how my mind could come up with such beautiful things... it was like random images but sort of abstract with dark outlines and not proportional (a poodle, among other non-coherent images). i stared super hard and close in awe of my dream's capability to come up with such beautiful things. i decided it was time to wake up bc i was done with this dream. it was exhausting.

i went into the living room and casey was like 'i cant take you home bc we have guests still' the guests were a few ppl including this kinda creepy ish black guy. they would NOT let me go home and i was like ok fine ill just do some crazy lucid shit. the black guy tried to have sex with me right there in the living room and at first i was reluctant but then i was like oh well w/e its a dream ill do it and see how it is. his teeth had like gaps, just tiny ones in between each tooth. he wasnt really good looking and he definately was older but whatever i just tried to b attracted. the sex was actually really good and i tried to focus on the feeling of it in the dream and see how realistic it was. it really did feel realistic but also felt a bit different- almost like a different kind of pleasure or something.

then i went home and had a couple more false awakenings. i was frustrated bc i really really wanted to wake up. each time i woke up i had to make sure the heroin was gone. the last false awakening i realized it didnt matter bc i was in a dream.


DAYUMMM crazy fuckin dream. the craziest part was how DETAILED it was like all the writing and art i looked at.

didn't have time to post much lately but i wanted to record a super awesome lucid i had a couple weeks ago or so:

realized i was lucid, flew over this huge body of water at night, super detailed night reflections in the water and it was one of the most beautiful sights i have ever seen. and then i flew over it a second time and there were sparkles in the water and at a certain angle this russian emblem shown through the water's surface and it was in a diff language, i tried to remember it for when i woke up but since it was in a diff language i couldnt. it was a really intricate design.
at one point i was like i want something cool to happen! duh i want a puppy to come out of my purse! so i thought of a cute little puppy and expected it when i opened my purse. hahahha dreams mess with me i pulled out a fucking stuffed dog chihuahua thing with buttons as eyes. i had to laugh at such a warped realization of my expectation and lucid attempt.

DREAM from like two nights ago:
crazy! i was hanging out with this girl like the morattas the blonde one and she was talking about her lesbian ness. i was like i never did that before. and eventually she was obviously gonna say "would you want to hook up with me?" and she did and i was like alright why not but i was SOOOO SCARED and then we were naked and making out and i was like into it but i didnt know really how to have sex so we just kinda grinded on each other and then for some reason i felt a dick even tho shes a girl and she doesnt have one but its a dream so it doesnt make sense. so anyways the sex was good and weird at the same time but nonetheless a new experience for me.

god damn why so much fuckin lesbian shit in my dreams. horny as fuk for guys n this is what i get in my dreams lol at least it feels just as good in dreams. plus in waking life i was lookin at this girls fb before bed trying to see if she was a lesbian bc she just seems like it n i was curious bc i have known her forever.

other dreams happened that aren't lucid but sucks bc i dont remember now....

was in this huge ass class room and probably close to hundred kids (mainly scu students) were having an insane rager, the crazy part was no alcohol but everyone was freaking the fuck out and making tribal noises and flipping tables and there was this huge slide and it was just mayhem. yannick was in the dream and we were BUDS wtf like i was all endearing to him and shit. and
me and bryn were friends again like old times but she was clearly lesbian for me and i wanted to be her friend but that was freaking me out bc she kept saying suggestive things and talking to other people about how she wants to hook up with me. then i walked out of the classroom with gabby p and i was like "gabby i neeeeed to talk to you " it was about bryn but gabby thought that i meant i had a problem with gabby herself, i never got to tell her what i wanted to say because we reached our destination too quickly. the destination was this place where .. actually it is irrelevant and not interesting.

bloody scene involved a good friend of mine (dont kno them in real life) but they were an alcoholic mess, blood blood blood everywhere and his arm was cut open and the bone was revealed he looked like a bloated red dying drunk and he didnt care he just had a beer can in his hand still drinkin. i took him to the hospital.

got home and parked my car and rand into mom on some street. alex was there too. mom was normal and then suddenly her eyes got big and she was like "wait a minute... I don't feel good." and then she started breathing hard and fell to the ground blood was coming out of her nose. i was freaking out and trying to calm her down at the same time and also call the police. i told alex to feel her heart beat and then i would call but he was so freaked out he didnt do it right away, so i had to scream and it was so fucking chaotic. i tried to type in all these numbers to call but i kept messing up bc i was so freaked out. alex was so pissed at me bc i insisted i do it myself but i was doing a shitty job. suddenly, we turned on each other. he started saying things like i am a selfish person with so many vices and that i financially drained the family. i felt this huge wave of aggression like i have never felt in waking life (rarely) and i stared at him like a demon and he stared at me too and the feeling built up and up and i finally just pushed him and then i was like WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT this is so fucked up and i love alex and he loves me and wtf is going on. looked at my hands. looked at them more than other dreams. in other dreams i was like self-conscious bc i thought "what if this is actually reality and im just standing here staring at my hands like an idiot while my mom is having a heart attack?" but my hands were clearly dream. there was 6,7,8,9 digits each time i looked, the fingers were all varying in length, and i had a solid, true feeling THIS IS A DREAM and i said that in my head a lot. i knew about not telling dream characters i knew it was a dream, but i was SO sure that it was a dream that i didnt give 2 fux and i told my brother "OMG its ok alex!!!! it's ALRIGHT dont worry mom's ok this is a DREAM!!!" and i just wanted to see what he would say. he was actually happy and he was like "well, that's great!".

went outside waiting for the ambulance with mom, i just flew away. which would b a dick move in real life but its a dream soo yeah. peace out ima go fly, i flew a bit and then i decided i fly too much in lucids i want something better!! so for some reason i thought it would b cool to have an item of my choice just fly to my hands. so i thought about a coke can really hard and then put my hand out and it flew over and i caught it. i did that with a couple other items that unfortunately i do not recall.

a signal came up for me in a dream that i was dreamin- it was this disgusting cyst on my head and for some reason that happens to me in dreams, i think it reflects my insecurity issues about my skin. anyway i saw it and was like shit i gotta check if im dreaming.

FINGERS WERE MULTIPLIED yesssss im in a dream but i couldnt BELIEVE it so i kept checking and i just HAD to ask for confirmation from alex and megan that it was a dream- woooops even tho i knew it wasn't good to do that at the time, i did anyway. they were like uh ok it's not a dream.

WHATEVER ok so basically i was like well it's a dream and for some reason i just felt like throwing this cous cous at alex in a playful way. then alex through some mustard or something at me and it was on. i walked out sayin "well it's a dream so i don't have to clean up but you guys do when i leave! haha!"

then i went to greg starkovich's room. i was trying to steal pills left and right for some reason. then greg had Grand theft auto. THE UNFORTUNATE THING is that a lucid dream is you getta do whatever you want. Grand theft auto is ALSO a world where you getta do what you want. therefore, i chose to play gta in my lucid dream and lost the other advantages of exploring the lucid dream world.

BUT WHATEVER I HAD A GREAT FUCKIN GTA GAME i was shooting those mofos left and right and picking up prostitutes and deciding whether to party in sf or santa clara, flying over those cities in an aerial view on the tv (which i dont think you can do in real gta).

i had trouble BELIEVING it was a lucid dream bc i didnt want to do something stupid like actually throw food at alex in real life. gotta stabilize more.



story short is that i did whateva the fuk i want- oh wait i can do that in real life with gta!!! SO DONT PLAY GTA WHEN U LUCID do something cooler k thnx bye love nat

i had a weird day last night so i kept practicing the basic lucid techniques i know, mainly looking at my hand.

it paid off. had a lucid last night and the TRIPPIEST part for me was continually checking my hand throughout the dream. my fingers were bloated, some of them were short, others were curled around the others. and more than 5 digits, sometimes 6 and sometimes 7. the weird thing is i could stare at them and take in every detail of the ridges in my skin, the nails, the shapes.

anyway i was lucid for a large part of the dream. i was on some main street and i decided i wanted to horsebackride. so i rode down the street. then i was like fuck that i'm gonna fly. so i flew over to "my house" (dream version of my house). the only thing i knew for sure i wanted to happen was to see matt and hug him and tell him i love him. so i did. but my dream took him away from the plot and a character in the dream told me he didn't respect me but he loves me he just cant be with me ever.

after that i was like fuck everyone. i wanted to go to my REAL home not the dream one and i held out my hands and tried to power burst open the ceiling. it kind of worked but not enough for me to go through it. so i closed my eyes and just changed the whole scene so that i was already flying. it took so much concentration to keep soaring. after struggling for a bit and falling to the ground, i finally was going across the golden gate.

at my house there was some huge water slide. i went down it and this is the weird part: i was rushing down it so fast and it was so long, and suddenly my whole vision went into this trippy pattern of like a blue vortex with a black background. that happened for like at least 2 straight minutes, which was really cool.

for things to happen, i had to concentrate really hard and think "THIS IS A DREAM" and then sometimes they would happen but other times they would happen but not like i really wanted them to (like trying to burst open to ceiling like a superhero). i also had a false awakening but got back to lucidity.