Thread: Why do we have to be nice to people?

Originally Posted by Phion

I would venture to say that only being kind or generous or altruistic for the sake of feeling better about yourself (a reward) is perhaps selfish

Selfish, in a sense yes, but I don't think we really have it within ourselves as humans to do something good purely for the sake of it. Then again it's hard to test, as you're always going to feel good about it one way or another. What I mean to say is that I don't think there can truly be a 'selfless act', in that the subject will always benefit even if in the most minute way. But I wouldn't call it selfish in a way that implies we consider ourselves first every time, we just get a bit of a reward from our instinct part(s) of the brain.

I'd wager it's because we're social beings, surviving better when in groups, so our brain rewards us when we make steps to solidifying ourselves with others.

Originally Posted by Phion

I would venture to say that only being kind or generous or altruistic for the sake of feeling better about yourself (a reward) is perhaps selfish, and then on the other hand there is the aspect of a totally fear based reason for doing such things (fear of judgement and repercussion for not being that way, karma), what do you think? Is there no balance of a happy middle ground?

Yeah it's fear of repercussion and desire for reward, really. Either way, it's not selfless. I suppose it just depends whether you subscribe to a reductionist view that every action we take comes from a calculation in our brain, weighing up perceived advantages and disadvantages for ourselves, or whether we're somehow capable of taking a decision that is totally detached from our own needs and desires. I don't really think we are but would like to be proven wrong.

I see in situations like this everything in black and white, or i like u or i don't. When i get the feeling i can trust this person, then im nice and 99% of the time they are nice back. When i don't like a person i just try to ignore him/her, because i know that we never gonna be friends, well atleast not from my side. A bit shallow, but i had some bad experiences when i was little and i guess that still sticks somewhere inside of me.

I rather have a small amount of friends that u can trust and have fun with, then have a lot of 'friends' that u don't even enjoy being with. But i always gonna try to be nice as a form of camouflage to avoid problems, but when one pushes it i don't have trouble to trow the door in there faces.

So basicly im always gonna try to be nice, but if it's somebody that i just don't like and he annoys me to mutch then i don't have trouble to say what's on my mind.

Well when it comes to being nice I think that we should first ask ourselves why shouldn't we be nice to people rather then asking why should we be nice to people. That is because the answer to the first question is quite simpler ,but also quite effective. The answer is that we don't have any reason not to be at least a bit nice to people. Saying a good word to someone once in a while doesn't take any effort at all ,but on the long term might build you a fine character in the eyes of society. So now if we would add all the benefits which were mentioned by the other members here as: Creating good relationships with those around you, Gaining the ability to manipulate the minds of those who deem you unthreatening, Being able to get aid from those you were nice to when needed and just getting a good feeling because you are being nice to others; From all of that we can infer that being nice is a good investment. Your effort is laughable ,but the value is admirable . That is why I think being nice to people is something really basic that we do (or at least the clever ones among our society ).

Originally Posted by Beefer

Well when it comes to being nice I think that we should first ask ourselves why shouldn't we be nice to people rather then asking why should we be nice to people. That is because the answer to the first question is quite simpler ,but also quite effective. The answer is that we don't have any reason not to be at least a bit nice to people. Saying a good word to someone once in a while doesn't take any effort at all ,but on the long term might build you a fine character in the eyes of society. So now if we would add all the benefits which were mentioned by the other members here as: Creating good relationships with those around you, Gaining the ability to manipulate the minds of those who deem you unthreatening, Being able to get aid from those you were nice to when needed and just getting a good feeling because you are being nice to others; From all of that we can infer that being nice is a good investment. Your effort is laughable ,but the value is admirable . That is why I think being nice to people is something really basic that we do (or at least the clever ones among our society ).

So all in all, being nice sounded like you're faking it. Which defeats the purpose of being nice in the first place. Maybe I don't like building too many close relationships, that's one of the "rewards" of being nice that I don't particularly enjoy.

Originally Posted by Carrot

Maybe I don't like building too many close relationships, that's one of the "rewards" of being nice that I don't particularly enjoy.

What do you mean by that? You can be nice to someone without necessarily being friends with them.

Originally Posted by moSh

What do you mean by that? You can be nice to someone without necessarily being friends with them.

Being nice to a passer-by don't bother me. But if it's someone you get to meet everyday or frequently, they'll tend to tell you something about themselves and you know, build a relationship with you.

Originally Posted by Carrot

Being nice to a passer-by don't bother me. But if it's someone you get to meet everyday or frequently, they'll tend to tell you something about themselves and you know, build a relationship with you.

Oh I see, and you're saying you'd rather not have that burden of knowledge, so to speak? I can kind of see what you mean, is it that you don't like being forced to commit to a relationship born out of common courtesy?

Originally Posted by moSh

Oh I see, and you're saying you'd rather not have that burden of knowledge, so to speak?

I don't mind. I kind of like helping people if I can, unless I'm in a terrible mood.

Originally Posted by moSh

I can kind of see what you mean, is it that you don't like being forced to commit to a relationship born out of common courtesy?

Yes!

Yeah I can see how that would be a problem. Some people like to have a lot of friends, some people just like to have a few solid ones. You're at school, right? I think it gets a lot easier to maintain fewer friends, and keep everyone else as 'accomplices' after school.

Originally Posted by moSh

Yeah I can see how that would be a problem. Some people like to have a lot of friends, some people just like to have a few solid ones. You're at school, right? I think it gets a lot easier to maintain fewer friends, and keep everyone else as 'accomplices' after school.

I've graduated. So you can imagine how many friends I'm keeping now.

Think it also depends a bit if your a introvert or a extrovert, introverts like myself tend to 'sound' more rude cause we don't really care about all the small talk and may sound less intrested in you, and a lot of people see that as being rude. It's part of who we are i assume.

We have to be nice to people because our species is a high maintenance one that requires a lot of meaningless gestures just so one isn't provoked to kill the other.

Originally Posted by dutchraptor

99% of what people do is in their own interest, even giving to charity. So being nice to people is usually the action we take when we want to be complimented. Most of the time I come here to laugh or to make others laugh, it gives people power knowing they have friends, even if they know that the friends cannot benefit them in any physical way ( for some reason).

There are some things better off not knowing, this is one of them. I watched a rather long documentary talking about this, apparently it's more about gene survival and benefit than personal survival and benefit. Even altruism and sacrificing ones own life stems from your instincts telling you that someone else with that same set of genes would fare better, and that your sacrifice would be for the greater good.

It's just better to ignore this kind of stuff and go on believing in fantasies at that point. Once you get down to the real roots of kindness, you'd be a lot happier pretending karma exists. That's how I see it at least.

Originally Posted by Carrot

So all in all, being nice sounded like you're faking it. Which defeats the purpose of being nice in the first place. Maybe I don't like building too many close relationships, that's one of the "rewards" of being nice that I don't particularly enjoy.

Well I merely presented you why being nice pays off , you asked "why do we need to be nice to people?" so I countered you with the question "why don't we need to?". You can be nice to people for several reasons just like you can find many reasons in order to do any other action you are able to. It is just a matter of a choice. You can choose to be nice if you believe it is the right thing to do or either to do so in order to manipulate people's minds and control them (The second one is quite exaggerated ,but since it is the complete opposite I wrote it...). In other words there is no one purpose for being nice , since you are the one who decides what is the purpose of your actions. Now I think that you don't have to be nice ,but just like keeping a proper hygiene by taking a shower everyday or by eating 3 meals a day it is recommended ,since it benefits you.

Now if you are like me and doesn't want to make too much relationships with anyone you are nice to then just ignore them when you can (note that you can still act nice around them and be polite ,but I have a feeling you already know that). Like in LDs when you don't pay enough attention to something it disappears.

Originally Posted by Beefer

Now if you are like me and doesn't want to make too much relationships with anyone you are nice to then just ignore them when you can (note that you can still act nice around them and be polite ,but I have a feeling you already know that). Like in LDs when you don't pay enough attention to something it disappears.

I guess ignoring and replying with a cold answer works the same way.

Personally, I don't choose to be nice to people or choose to be nasty to people. I couldn't do either of those without severe mental pain..... it has to be unconsciously motivated -- even then, in the negative sense, i'll tend to indifference.

Originally Posted by Wolfwood

Personally, I don't choose to be nice to people or choose to be nasty to people. I couldn't do either of those without severe mental pain..... it has to be unconsciously motivated -- even then, in the negative sense, i'll tend to indifference.

Severe mental pain... Like what the no fap challenge had brought you?

Originally Posted by Carrot

Severe mental pain... Like what the no fap challenge had brought you?

Oh, no, bloody 'ell that was far worse. That wasn't pain.... it was torture.

I'm nice to everyone I possibly can be. There are some that I just can't find myself to be nice to, and even then, I will usually still be civil to them, even if I'm not sure they deserve it. Unless someone is a complete, unabashed asshole to myself or the people around me, I'm usually as positive, inviting and compassionate as my situation allows.

Why? Simple: Because I believe most of what's wrong with the world stems from the inability for people to step outside of themselves and treat others with kindness, even at no (obvious) benefit to themselves, and I would rather be part of the solution than the problem.

Originally Posted by Wolfwood

Oh, no, bloody 'ell that was far worse. That wasn't pain.... it was torture.

But it brought you rewards. Did it?

Originally Posted by Carrot

But it brought you rewards. Did it?

Haha, yes.... short-lived rewards. ^_^

Originally Posted by Oneironaut Zero

I'm nice to everyone I possibly can be. There are some that I just can't find myself to be nice to, and even then, I will usually still be civil to them, even if I'm not sure they deserve it. Unless someone is a complete, unabashed asshole to myself or the people around me, I'm usually as positive, inviting and compassionate as my situation allows.

Why? Simple: Because I believe most of what's wrong with the world stems from the inability for people to step outside of themselves and treat others with kindness, even at no (obvious) benefit to themselves, and I would rather be part of the solution than the problem.

You were a right bastard to me!

jk

Originally Posted by Oneironaut Zero

I'm nice to everyone I possibly can be. There are some that I just can't find myself to be nice to, and even then, I will usually still be civil to them, even if I'm not sure they deserve it. Unless someone is a complete, unabashed asshole to myself or the people around me, I'm usually as positive, inviting and compassionate as my situation allows.

Why? Simple: Because I believe most of what's wrong with the world stems from the inability for people to step outside of themselves and treat others with kindness, even at no (obvious) benefit to themselves, and I would rather be part of the solution than the problem.

Well said sir, well said indeed.