I've been speculating on whether or not I should have the mentality of a perfectionist. I used it for a while during High School, but it caused unnecessary stress, but it forced me to excel, to make myself look overqualified compared to the rest, at least that's what my ego would like to think.
I'm starting to think that when I do master lucid dreaming, hopefully I can find things that I'm really good at that I never bothered to analyzed. Sometimes I think I'm just lucky most of the time to be able to do certain things, I keep degrading my self-esteem not because I feel depressed, it's because I want to become better. You can't become better if you're full of yourself.
I've been trying to practice humility almost naturally nowadays. There's always someone better, but I'm starting to think that is just society's way of creating some invisible entity that is always growing more exponentially than I am. That makes me feel inferior. When I feel I did something good, it sickens me to have to conform back to that invisible tangent that gives me a good slap in the face and makes me think that this is nothing compared to those better than you.
I hate it, but I don't want to become the best, yet I want to become good enough to be considered the best, we all do don't we? I want to be the best not because of others, it's because I want to feel content and at solace of my abilities as a human being. We can become anything, but we can't become everything. But it's that hedonistic demeanor in me that constantly over-analyzes things that forces me to distort reality, like learning to make myself distant from my parents.
It's not because I want to, but I feel it's necessary if I'm going to survive long enough here. I can't become attached to them for too long, despite of the universal acceptance that our families will always be there for us. I'm starting to think that I can make a family with myself now, my subconscious, everything.
Is this the reason people rely on others so much? Because they validate a projection that they lack and need? What if people realized that lucid dreaming could be a way to be at peace with yourself instead of others doing part of it for you?
I think I know the reason why I don't really get along with most people. I've grown accustomed to not thinking about petty things like who made the best grade on an exam or what story or news someone liked. I just don't want those types of distractions, because it's going to prevent me from becoming better. But at the same time, I know I'll regret not conforming myself into the smallest things in life that would make me human instead of some philosophical...but why do we have to be bothered with that if we're all here just to make something of ourselves?
I see it everyday, my father, he tries to incorporate realistic and economic perspectives in the things that I do. Always trying to be analytical when he doesn't realize that I should be able to make decisions for myself. Sure I'll always be a child to him, but it's that condescending bullshit he gives me that makes me want to become much superior than he is. But when I do that, should I ever do that, I'm afraid he'll think that I know everything...which is a pretty lame excuse considering a parent spends so much time trying to make an adult, only to realize that they will inevitably become superior than their parents...
It has to be that way because there's no point making a child who's just going to live like shit. I think he thinks I am shit because I don't talk to him that much. He barely knows the accomplishments I've made in my life, the things that makes me stand out compared to others. It's my competence in wanting to learn and become more aware and more intelligent, not just on specific things, but overall.
It pains me to see a parent think their child doesn't know much in the world, and when we try to, they try to regain their authority by saying that we must know everything. Fucking bullshit, I guess the only way you can't talk shit to anyone anymore is when they're dead.
What really pisses me off the most is that when our parents' time comes, everything we've said in order to make ourselves think they're useless is going to come back and bite us in the ass.
I don't think I'll be ready should their time comes, especially my mother, because I keep taking for granted on how much she cares for me, even if she does get worried too much about my safety (I don't really do anything serious or dangerous).
I just don't like the small things in life anymore, at least not in this period of life where I'm trying to find out who I can become. I've become too analytical, just like my father....I guess History repeats itself subjectively...and that really makes me mad.
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