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    About FallenAwake
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    Indianapolis, IN
    Meditation, Binaural audio, Buddhism, More things than I can keep up with
    Student - Programming and Database Management
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    04-23-2012 01:58 PM
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    No Big Get-Off

    by FallenAwake on 05-05-2011 at 04:01 AM
    No Big Get-Off (Non-lucid)


    *Sexually explicit (though rather clinical, lol. No big get-off to be had here :p)
    *Rough draft

    Visuals took over my meditation. I wasn’t that tired, this has been happening lately. I want to research this. It kind of feels like falling asleep but sometimes I’m aware of my body and the binaural water sounds I’m listening to as well. Maybe sleep paralysis? I really should read up.

    Walking in my home
    I used to live with a man here but I broke up with him,
    I think
    I see some items that are colorful, 3 that go together
    I'm in the bed we used to sleep in together. I lay around a bit. At one point looking out the large window and the white light barely tinted with blue.

    I decide to give head to myself
    Wondering if I’d like the taste
    The taste wasn’t very obvious; it was fine
    I want to try different things
    I’m reacting to it and can feel it at the same time
    I see my hips lift, but I feel like I'm laying below myself at the same time with my head between my legs, of course. :p
    It was pretty clinical. I was figuring out my anatomy and pleasure reactions more than really trying to get off.
    Kinda tentative at first
    Licking it feels nice but too general
    Sucking on my clit is pretty pleasurable I think
    Pressing my chin onto it
    The general pressure feels very good, like I could eventually cum like that
    Hips lifting in reaction to the pleasure I’m giving myself
    Pressing hard makes my chin and pubic bone pretty sore, but my clit is happy. I stop the chin method

    grazing my teeth against my clit feels like a bit of a stab of pleasure, a bit too intense but a nice “jump start” to be used occasionally
    Nibbling my clit with my teeth feels too sharp

    A man comes over and we’re going to a concert together, some alternative rock group I used to like pretty well in high school but wasn’t that crazy about

    Got into the car with one of the guys who came to my house, we’re driving together. I’m driving, and the other guy has another car. He is a bit surly. We go to the corner convenience store. Something somewhat significant happens inside
    (with the man at the counter? I was watching through the window?)

    I remember I have to get something for the concert, a set of 3 items that pertain to the band. The items are important. One was a kind of book. They were like a key to something and would be recognized (by the band?). The surly guy was annoyed. I brushed his annoyance off.

    We had time, there would be an opening band, I imagined and told the guy in my car. He agreed and said something about me being on top of the planning. I questioned that I was, thinking I had procrastinated and that I was lucky there is probably an opening band which I hadn’t taken into account before. I thought that if there wasn’t an opening band we’d be late.

    Driving into my old small curved driveway (where I lived in waking life in high school). When entering it I focus on its small entrance and how it is pretty awkward to veer into it but I do. A tree has overgrown but I pull up enough for the guy in the car behind to have easier access to the house's door as well. The tree’s branches come into the window and they’re more solid than I’d thought. They kinda hurt and I wonder about being able to open the door.

    I had the 3 items
    I think, got to the concert, there are different rooms/areas
    The concert hasn’t started in the main, larger area. The opening group will play in a smaller room that we go to. There are chain link fences. I sit on the bleachers. I am alone, the man has gone off somewhere and will come back and I think the surly guy left a bit before that.

    Old school, old teacher, Claudia and another
    Claudia was being strict about the students sitting in rows of two. Katie, a student, kept sitting where she wanted over and over. Claudia kept correcting/directing her. Katie seemed like she was somewhat unconscious of her actions, and also quietly (subconsciously, perhaps) angry and dismissing, like she was telling them to leave her the hell alone silently.

    I didn’t have a very good seat. I'm in the section to the side of the area where the students were sitting. The other teacher (Leigh?) called my name as if I was still a student. I knew it was a better seat and she gave me a look like she knew I wasn’t supposed to be grouped with them but she was going to pretend she didn’t and make an exception so I could have a better seat. After a couple moments’ hesitation I stood, picked up my backpack and another item, and went to go sit there. Claudia noticed and said something. The other teacher gave a vague argument about why I should be fine sitting there. Claudia was strict, enforced the rules. Leigh gave me a subtly exasperated look mixed with a c'est la vie look about Claudia. I kinda shrugged and sat back down and felt a little embarrassed in front of the students.

    I saw a man I had dream memories of. We had been around each other regularly. He was like Adam (a man who had been a gay porn star I used to be friendly with in waking life. We always had a fun time, joking and being silly and also emotionally and physically affectionate. He had one of those vibrant, open personalities that didn’t seem needy, more just loving. He did little things, like when I was a waitress and had been serving him and his life partner, he poked his head into the back of the restaurant where I was making espressos and handed me the folded-up tip all furtive-like. He whispered matter-of-factly, “thanks for the blowjob.”, turned, and went back to his table. Leaving me cracking up. Very deadpan and playful at the same time, so much fun.) So, this dream character had the spirit of Adam and looked like Ozzy Osbourne (they are a bit similar in looks in some ways in waking life).

    I recalled dream memories of being around him daily because of people we were friends with. They seemed rich and extravagant. He and I would peripherally interact in these memories and there was a sadness there too, like we were sad we had a lot of distance between us. When I saw him at the concert, he was guarded emotionally. I initiated talking with him and he was hesitant. I told him I miss seeing him every day. He started to warm up and we linked arms and walked as we talked. He was surprised I missed him, saying “you did?” and I could feel him melting. I reaffirmed that I did. He warmed up a little more and invited me on a skiing trip and started to name-drop a bit about people who would be there (in real life he spent time and was close to famous people and he, or at least they, tended to like to name drop). It felt kinda cold and superficial, but I was excited at the prospect of going at the same time.

    Our walking took us down, into what felt like the basement/garage of this amphitheater. He wanted to show it to me.

    annoyed at waste, men working

    Trenches for planks of wood, band members one of whom was shooting up

    I’m outdoors, walking on a long balcony. Men to my left in rooms working on projects (with saws and whatnot…you know, picking up heavy objects and putting them back down) My thumb caught on a round electric saw attached to and hanging over the balcony’s railing. The tooth of the saw was slightly deformed and it was caught on my thumb without scraping much. I carefully extract my thumb so as not to cut myself more and reflect on that. The saw feels like it almost has a hold on it.There is some pain.

    Grey’s anatomy short black doctor woman "Nazi" and another familiar but not famous woman had been trying to flag me down before then with some papers she wanted me to sign. I had seen but had been doing some other things. She expressed annoyance. I held my boundaries and stayed good natured.
    The solid short woman took my thumb; it was bleeding. Her finger came close to touching the cut/scrape like she was fascinated. I pulled it away before she could touch it and was like, don’t touch it! Um, aren’t you like a doctor? She kinda shrugged and looked to the side.

    I felt emotionally strong in this dream
    Another man (a doctor?) asks me out. I wasn’t expecting him too. I felt comfortable and wanted him to. He was kind of constrained but I understood why.

    Cousin, aunt/CJ/Diane Hamilton interruption of me and the man.

    At that point I lost the sense of emotional expression balanced with a calm and acceptance stance toward my emotions that held their intensity in check without trying to. I got angry and quiet.

    Woke breathing hard, angry…with Charles in Charge theme song going through my mind, lmao. It is still being sung in my mind as I write this. Joy…*crazy face*

    Oh, and my thumb still kind of hurts. When I picked up my laptop to write this the pressure and roughness of the cushion exacerbated the pain a bit.
    non-lucid , memorable , side notes

    Unknown Decision

    by FallenAwake on 04-29-2011 at 01:52 PM

    From 4/24/11

    I woke with Drown by Stuart Davis playing in my mind.
    Only remembered that I had changed my mind about something and shifted my body with that change.

    This was the song looping in my noggin.

    "Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen."
    — Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Ruh roh.
    dream fragment

    Awake Brainstorming: Lucid Dreaming Goals

    by FallenAwake on 04-29-2011 at 01:25 PM
    From 4/22/11

    • Ask what I can or should do for my insomnia / odd sleeping schedules - so that I can have more of an option to join in events that typically occur during the day on a regular basis.
    • Create a computer program; come up with ideas for computer programs
    • Explore my waking life meditative dream house and characters (I had a significant series of meditations that stemmed from a dream years ago. It was part of the work I was doing with a Jungian counselor.)
    • Write jokes or ask dream characters for jokes (develop more enjoyment and free playful thinking)
    • Ask about career goals and how to bring them about
    side notes

    Awake Meditation: Baby Angry!

    by FallenAwake on 04-28-2011 at 07:26 AM
    From 4/22/11

    While listening to 60 minutes delta binaural audio
    Body kept jerking, releasing energy and/or resisting releasing
    Discomfort, feel sick (am getting sick, a cold I think…yep, I can confirm this days later)
    The pads of my feet hurt
    Want to turn my head and sleep
    Visuals coming and going

    Then I do FFEDCIDA practice (Face, Feel, Expand, Dissipate, Coalesce, Integrate, Decide, Take Action)
    (I want to add "simultaneous opposites combining"; it feels like it belongs around expanding, dissipating, and/or coalescing)

    Muddy orange color
    In large geometric pattern in my stomach
    Like a cube but more complex, diagonal layer
    Unfolding, shifting, almost clunking but that’s not the right word

    Thought of being sick as a baby, when I was so sick it scared my mom
    Out of control, discomfort, nothing to do, angry at being controlled
    Angry and helpless and fucking pissed

    Anger dissipating – fast, whirlwinds out
    Into nothing, blackness?
    It feels like the blackness is almost closing in on it, eating it

    Fear…of that blackness, I’m somewhat ashamed to admit
    Opulent white swirling energy I used to use when I did massage and subtle energy work to surround myself reaches up and twines with the orange
    It feels right
    Twining, like oil and water, such different energies. The orange static, the white multidimensionally hued, shifting around, how will they come together? I watch.
    What is that white energy? Gratitude, it seems.
    Deep gratitude like in the last lucid dream.
    It is coming together
    This lasts a while

    The energy straightens into brown, tree-like texture
    Logs almost
    But hollow
    One settles across the back of my body at my shoulders, holding them strong
    Two more down my torso’s sides
    Body feels healthier
    Whole body jerks, back arches
    One has settled in my spine, up my neck?

    Feeling grounded
    After getting up, I recalled that when I had used that white swirly energy as a protection when I did massage and energy work, I also put a shell up around it that looked like the texture and color of those logs. I think I got some backbone back.

    Apparently anger and gratitude can be a powerful mixture. Mixture isn’t quite the right word, it is as if they partially combust and transform when mixed to make something new. I’d say alchemy but that just sounds too hooey.

    not that this whole thing wouldn't to most people.
    memorable , side notes

    Dogs Do Crap Where They Do

    by FallenAwake on 04-28-2011 at 06:13 AM

    From 4/22/11

    Visiting my aunt and family in a further west state. She is a counselor and her husband is leading a group session for all of her clients (only female clients?). Something happens and he can’t do it anymore. She first hints around at me doing it but I don’t get it, I think I’m under qualified. She then outright asks me and I’m torn. What a fascinating thing to do, and it would pay decently and I could potentially move back to the bay area sooner, further west of my aunt’s state. I am concerned about leaving my mom (who I’m helping in ways in RL) but I think she’ll be fine. I’m concerned about giving up my unemployment benefits, but it looks like my aunt will pay me very well so that isn’t an issue.

    I ask my aunt about various things about the job, trying to get a good idea of what it is like and what the contract she’s thinking of is like. She is kind of resistant, but I subtly insist that we are clear so there aren’t any disagreements down the road.

    All of these women who come to the meeting bring dogs. We put the dogs in a room, perhaps the garage, while the meeting occurs. A dog is left in the living room; a little black cute thing.

    It looked like a combo of these two,
    and all black.

    It is about to go to the bathroom on the carpet. My aunt notices and I stop it by saying, “come on” in a happy and light tone and it immediately perks up and bounds playfully over. I’m happy to be with a dog that is so happy. Good, no mark on the carpet. Walking over to the garage, the dog stops again and this time pees and shits on the carpet and I can’t stop her. Well, crapola.

    Nothing to do with the dream,
    but during my image search
    it uh popped out at me, lol.

    Updated 04-28-2011 at 06:35 AM by FallenAwake (Added pictures)

    non-lucid , memorable