Vesterguard

During the day yesterday I spoke with a girlfriend of mine about the consideration that have played on my mind in certain periods of my life of making sexual healing of women – a sort of glorified prostitution – a path in life. While the idea has remained relatively absurd to my conscious mind, the grain of seriousness has never really left my thinking.

Furthermore, I found during my self-love ritual tantric practice during the evening that my fantasies were no longer tied to Cecilie, but fluttered wide and far, though only with women. I recall that I was surprised at this, both in respect of finding a horniness for other women, but also in the release of attachment towards Cecilie as “the” sexual object of my consideration – as if I was freed from the shackles of having to commit monogamously to her to engage romantically and intimately, while also obtaining sexual favour.

My intentions were simply to remember my dreams, but I found it hard to fall asleep – which also led to a lengthy sexual practice prior to sleep.

Dream:

I am sitting on a train station. It is a small one, as you find in the country side. The weather is bright, though not scolding and there are other people on the station.

I am sat on a bench wearing a long trench coat. Underneath I am wearing clothes covering my upper body and nothing over my legs and genitals.

I am in a playful mood and as I watch out over the station across a hedge, I catch the eyes of a woman who is looking at me, smiling playfully. She knows “what is up” - which is really referring to my playful exploration of revealing my genitals, but which carries a stronger more direct meaning of explicit sexuality.

I look towards her repeatedly and she keeps returning the kinky mischievous smile.

Eventually the train rolls into the station, and after a brief evaluation if it is driving slow enough to actually stop, it does. The door opens and the woman and I get onboard. There is a slight distance so I rush slightly to make it.

Once onboard the woman asks me if I am a “blotter”, and I think I acknowledge, though it doesn’t take up much attention or time.

The woman now has turned into a composite persona consisting of Hanne – a Buddhist Lesbian – and Birgit – The owner of a toy shop I know very well from childhood.

We talk about her reasons for being on the train. She is headed out to receive attunement as part of her Buddhist ventures. On her lap she is carrying a printed text. On the cover is printed something along the wordings of “The fourth initiation, by Master so-and-so”.

I recall being surprised at this, as I thought there was only 3 levels.

I get up and button up the trench coat to make sure my dick doesn’t fall out and show by accident.

The main thing that grabbed my attention this morning was the number 4, which has been showing up in a couple of dreams recently. My initial interpretations and associations towards this was the 4 elements, the heart chackra and the wholeness of the quaternity in mandala symbolism.

I reflected on the homosexual nature – representing potentially suppressed desires or avenues of exploration, which I have carried out over the past couple of years with men, though not really fully – of one aspect of the composite persona – who in total is a woman, representing the anima or the collective unconscious – as well as the Toy Shop Owner – symbolising potentially a suppressed playful and animalistic aspect of my sexuality (I have recently spent many an hour talking about it in terms fetched from Tantra, such as divine union or simply as spiritual practice, which could represent a form of spiritual bypassing but also my desire to ejaculate in women – Cecilie in particular) though it could also point towards continuing the practice of using toys in developing my sexual skills.

My initial interpretation pointed towards a unification of my sexual nature with my Buddhist aspirations, where considerable conflict has recently taken place between sexual desires, as well as desires for family, intimate and romantic relations with the concept of renunciation of samsara to attain liberation.

What stroke me here was the sexual theme combined with the sacred scriptures combined with the symbolism of wholeness, pointing towards an active (playful and explorational) kind of integration between my sexual nature and desires with the quest for happiness and liberation. There is a particular focus on “going public” with this, represented in the “blotter” symbolism, which is greeted cheerfully by the anima, as a fruitful endeavour leading to a more enlightened place – represented by the scriptures and teachings.

Furthermore I reflected on the need to cultivate a more loving relationship – the 4th chakra, representing unconditional love - , not only to my own sexuality, but also the way in which I practice it with other people, women in particular – which now that I write it, is also represented in the recent dream of the “Bridge Elf” wearing orange and green, taking up 4 hours of journeying.

Looking through some of Jung’s work with sacred numbers in dreams and the Angel Number 4, some following additional interpretations occurred.

Jung also posits the number four as pointing towards “fourth function” - which is typically the repressed or taboo function – of thinking, sensing, feeling and intuiting. I am primarily oriented towards a thinking and intuitive disposition – making a mixture of feeling/sensing the taboo function. Feeling and sensing in this respect I see pointing both towards an acceptance of the more primal (non-spiritual and reproductive) aspects of my sexuality (represented by sensing, the physical aspects) and my desire, my right to feel, my wanting to take in a sexual context.

The Angel number 4 mentioned something around creating a solid infrastructure, focus in on an area of life where I want to hone my skills or reap rewards, or building a foundation of sorts. This has very much been a process as of late, aside from moving out and finding a new place to live (creating a solid foundation) I have also been focusing on trying to verbalise my competencies (dream analysis, shamanic practices and energy/massage work with my hands).

The immediate association here for me has to do with diving deeper into these three areas of my life. The vibe of the new place is phenomenal and now it is time – as in accordance with my priorities for the year – to focus on the stuff that can ensure a stable financial living. I have booted up the energy practices just yesterday – that also have a resemblance to the energy work of the tantric sexual practices. I spent many hours considering who I could approach to practice this work and also spoke with a friend about it.

In general I find myself elated with this dream, it is to me an encouragement in working in the direction I have been doing for some time. It is also a reminder for me to stop taking the shamanic work too serious and focus on what I really yearn to explore – sexuality – which makes me happy. It is not to neglect the hard work in store for both arranging practice with energy work, nor formulating the principles of therapy I am employing in my work with the sacred plants. I am curious to see how this theme progress – sexual exploration, continued work with stabilising the roots as a path towards wholeness and spiritual development.

Non-lucid – Notes – lucid – Interpretation

“Imprinting a tiger”

In the dusk I find myself walking into a garden. Et is elongated and narrow and towards the end there is a house. I look to my right into the hedge. At the grass I see a female duck and below her chest a small duckling that soon meets my eye. As we lock our eyes together the duckling starts a trip out into the uncut grass towards where I am now sat down. Behind it follows it’s mother, trying to establish contact with little luck as it seems the duckling has already imprinted me as its mother.

I feel both excited and ashamed. I feel guilty for robbing the duck of the chance to bond with its off spring, but also excited and joyful of my own bonding with the creature. I look down at its little beak and let it push its body against my knees and one of my hands. Then I look up at its mother and try and stroke its chest. It lets me, but with an air of calculative anticipation and scepticism, which makes me apprehensive, if persistent.

I then look down again at the duckling. I don’t recognise the absurdity that the creature has now transformed into a miniature Tiger of maybe 10-12 cm in length and is crawling about on my right thigh. When I look up at the mother duck again to explain that I am deeply sorry that I have stolen her chance to bond with her infant.

When I look up mother duck is now wearing glasses and a pearl necklace, and quite frankly it would be impossible to describe if she looks more like a duck than a human. She explains “That is OK I had a clutch 3 months ago.” and frankly she sounds relieved.

“Travelling in trains with Liv”

Fragment:

I am standing on a lengthy and wide platform on a train station. It is morning and the lighting foretells of a sunny day, which has yet to breach the foggy clouds above and around. It seems like late spring or summer. I am standing with Liv and we are going somewhere. The conversation we are having is about finding the right train.

There is more to the dream, though I recall nothing but this fragment.

“Getting to the shore, 4 metal objects in the water”

Fragment:

I am on the water. The sun is bright and the ocean water which I am on is very bright and lightly blue. Up ahead I see a beach, a wide and almost white sandy beach. I think my Dad is there with me and he asks:

“Do you remember us being here?”

I look up towards the right and in the distance gaze upon a little island around 50-100 metres from the shore. As the foliage behind the beach the island is covered in lustrous trees and other greenery. I remember this place, I have indeed been here before.

(In writing this I recall a dream of way back, perhaps detailed somewhere within this journal. I am in Holstebro, where we throw our family reunions, and as I walk down the forest pathway that in waking life take you to the river in the dream it takes me to a cove. From this cove I rush across the open water to an Island, which is the one I see in this dream.)

I jump out in to the water and submerge myself. Light penetrates the surface and everything looks very bright, if blurry beneath. I loose four metal objects I have in my pocket and for a moment worry if I still have my phone in my pocket. I check that it is empty and then sweep the sand below and pull up the objects, where one of them is a key. Then I head for the beach.

End of dream/recall

non-lucid - Notes - lucid

01-09-11 We are going to the family reunion. Besides the family there are a lot of other characters attending as well and rather than the first week of September it is for an entire week.

I seem to be packing quite a lot and spending time in the bath room.

Skip.

on day 3-4 everyone is getting tired of it. In particular Minka, who has made an arrangement to drive home with her parents (this is odd, since she they aren't the family). She leaves for a while and comes back dressed in a short pink dress and she looks an awful lot like Paris Hilton fashion wise.

It is raining however, so she looks kinda sad about this since it will mean changing outfit again, but she seems packed and ready to go.

I see her mother dancing down the hallway and they are the first family to have proclaimed that they are leaving.

The younger crew of the various families within family seems to be getting reckless and I decide to go and pack up so we can go quickly if my parents decide to bail.

The rest of the young crew are lying around either in the hallway or in rooms. There is a general consensus to go to the bar on the opposite side of the road, but no one seems to be taking initiative.

Skip.

I am talking to my cousin about something related to leaving.

My sister is talking, she doesn't want to be their either but she explains that it is nice to see the family join up together setting aside selfish consideration to see her daughter.
…

I am at an airbase watching Stoffer fly around in a fighter jet. The plane is completely white. He has rented it with a mate for a day as it is the cheapest of the planes available.

I am going up there with him and he is explaining that he intends to do a loop, which I am looking forward to.

As he is coming in for landing and driving towards the spot where he has to pick me up, he makes a weird turn that almost tips over the plane and make the wings hit the ground. He asks his mate to check if something happened, but it seems fine.

He gestures me to get in and I am getting in next to him. I tell him that I find that rather weird as normally I would sit behind him (yeah my plane knowledge is lame ^^)

We start driving around and to be frank all I really remember is driving the plane through something like a race course. At one point we come up to two rocks and Stoffer tries frantically to turn it into the larger gap and I scream at him to take the smaller to avoid making the wings tip towards the ground and potentially hit the larger rock.

We make it to the air though I think, but I only remember pulling back up to the base and getting out asking Stoffer if he really did the loop with me.

“Yes” he replies.

Rasmus SL gets in the plane and I think I spend some time talking to Kasper.
…

I wake up.

I am in Germany at the camping grounds where my grand parents live part times of the year. It is dark early morning on a Sunday and I think about hitting the golf course a few holes in so I wouldn't have to pay the green fee.

I am speaking to a pro who is talking about hitting the course early and I reconsider maybe only hitting the approach/putting green instead.

I sense something is up pretty much from the start and as I am walking towards the lake in the camping grounds/golf course I decide to look at my hand. It doesn't look weird at first, but I decide to keep looking and all of a sudden half of my pinky disappears and reappear almost immediately.

I think about what to do and I have been trying too hard to get to Chichén Itzá maybe. Maybe people would get tired of me filling up the journal with crap on non-attempt nights.

So I decide to fool around. Well I could justify my efforts as trying to master a petite form of shape shifting, at least in the beginning of the dream.

I take off into flight and at the same time trying to imagine myself engulfed in flames. The idea is to create a hybrid between the human torch and a phoenix. This particular shape is then to be used with its inherent capability of scorching the area it flies over. In other words I am trying to become a fiery tool for laying waste.

It doesn't go too well. There is no fire appearing and I don't sense a temperature increase, but the first minute or more is spent just flying around trying to think of fire and how it would be looking out from the inside of a fire.

The closest I get is at one point where in my left field of vision a red glowing metal string appear (like the ones in a bread toaster). After this I give up.

I land and start walking around thinking about what to do. I walk across a road and a car is speeding towards me. I just plant my feet in front of it and decide to stand my ground. The car hits me, though it seems to do so very slowly. It's rear starts lifting off the ground until it moves in an arch above me and land on the ground.

I decide to hone my telekinetic abilities a bit and pick up the car mentally and throw it away. In the direction I threw it there is a shop with quite a lot of cars parked outside. I pick up two of these, one on either side of me and hold them spinning slowly in mid air before I throw them through the shop windows pretty controlled. Check, first time for holding two objects at the same time in opposite ends of my field of vision.

I pick up another two cars and pull them towards me mentally and grab them in my hands when they get close and slam them together.

I look up and see elevated train tracks. There is a train coming in fast on this meandering track and I decide to try getting on it. I sort of know it is a dream and I could just fly, but I do something else. I throw the first car up in the air over a sign (made of concrete and fairly tall). I jump onto the sign and as the first car is almost at the ground now I throw the other one up above me and jump onto it and immediately jumping off it again so I get to the train and manage to grab hold of an edge on it's roof.

I swing myself up on the train, which obviously is moving at tremendous speed. I jump onto it and start surfing it towards the train station (I somehow get a feeling that I have already been there). Towards the station there is a sharp turn and the train has to go into a tunnel. Although I am tempted to jump off not to get smashed I hold my grounds and follow the train a bit into the tunnel before jumping off.

I fall down and grab hold of a metal rod running along the tunnel. and start swinging along it as a monkey. Then I land on the ground and starts walking outside when I see a black man with two children walking down towards me. One of the children is walking on his right hand side and the other is in a child carrier.

I struggle a bit getting past them without running into them. I think it is funny I am considering their well being although I know I am dreaming.
...

Night time mentation: The Lucid is the first dream I recall from the night. When I then try and fall back to sleep after the dream there is this notion that I am experiencing the world from 6 different caskets, with six different names.

Sometimes I get pulled back to a central POV, but it is somehow different. Though I know I am lying with my head up against the wall I feel my consciousness reaching out in a huge bubble around me through the walls and bed.

Then I would feel the six caskets again and while my awareness either dwell on these or is transitioning between them I sense a powerful feeling of being loved. As if someone “else” is in these caskets sending positive vibes towards and through me.

23/02/11 I am travelling on trains. Lots of times. we encounter policemen and guards who are supposed to control tickets. We climb to the roofs of the trains in motion to avoid detection. At a certain train station I get left going out of the train to take a breather, twice. I am not a happy bunny. I throw a litter bin onto the tracks in hopes that it gets destroyed as a train will run past it. My ticket is still valid for the next train though.

…

I am half asleep. I think about train tracks as I have dreamt of these. Slowly a blurred image of me moving in a vehicle besides train tracks appears. it stabilises. I don't dare take my eyes of the window yet. I need the dream to stabilise a bit more. I finally get a crystal clear image and take a look around. I am in something best described as a very short bus. Except there is no driver. I see that the weather is still grey. I fly out through the window, not breaking the glass. I fly a little upwards and start overtaking cars that break as they see come flying past them. The wind is strong, and I stop up mid air. I get blown back heavily and I get a passing anxiety of falling over and hurting myself until I think otherwise. I think this is going to be cool demonstrating how you can go from heavy momentum to a slow walking speed without any problems, so I do just that. there are now people on the streets and it is sunny. I see a lady walking by n a yellow top with massive breasts. She turns me on a bit and reminds me of the monthly task. I keep walking and ask the first woman I see “hey lady, could I borrow you for a second?” she gets a bit shocked when I kiss her. She asks why I did that and my reply is something as lame as “happy new year”. She decides to follow me and asks if I ever had sex with random travellers, to which I reply that I haven't. She says she has and although she is a bit plumb and I don't really find her attractive I decide why not. We head towards a house and as she is turning slightly around I place my hand on her stomach and slims her down a bit.. I guess she really is a DC then. We try having sex, but I have some blocking and can't get in. I keep trying to focus on her eyes, but soon the dream destabilise.