DarkestDarkness

2022 July 4th

Long dream. Left recall a bit late and wasn't sure how to describe some bits. Didn't sleep well.

Fragment:

In the first part I am with H and another couple. We are in some kind of airport place? There's not that many people. I offer to pay for a trip to Germany to the other couple, which might be where they're from. I have some ulterior motive (can't recall what).

(recall gap)

Me and H arrive at some building in a car and then we have to go through some kind of trials and it's a bit like a game? The first notable room I recall is like a theatre hall and a bit of a church. It's kind of low for the type of hall it is. The wood in the hall seems to have a yellow tone like it's all gold leafed. Red curtains.

(recall gap)

Then I'm somewhere else with sibling T. Somewhere more like an industrial complex but on canyons. We try to connect some power things but I'm not sure what they do.

(recall gap)

In a similar kind of canyon area with floating sections and things like that. We are struggling to find the way from one floating section to the underside of an arching canyon. I use a kind of grapple thing and make it. On this small underside ledge, there is a mouth-like opening and clawed tentacles await and look aggressive. I keep myself teetering on the edge and holding on to the rock above with my left hand, using some weapon on my right hand to slowly pick off all the tentacles. My brother doesn't try to jump to the same ledge. After I've killed all the tentacles, I step toward the mouth opening and feel a bit annoyed this is the only way down. I don't particularly feel like getting wet. It looks fleshy at first but as I make my way down its oesophagus the experience seems to become more neon/digital and less accurate.

(recall gap)

In a more abstract place in which we have to run through over these procedural platforms and kill enemies. It feels like a CoD game.

(rest of recall lost)



2022 July 9th

Dream:

I'm outside on a street. I'm cutting down a streetlight post using one of my palette knives. Somehow, I'm managing alright to cut through the thick steel. But as I apply force, eventually the handle gives and breaks off from the blade.

Then I'm indoors at home. I'm asking H to fix the palette knife and saying I need to go back quickly to finish it. I mention that the wires inside could be live and half jokingly H says we could do with the insurance money.

Before that, outside on those same streets. They're not from any waking location. Looks more like from a game. Some house appears and disappears when I look in a certain direction. Before that I'm talking to mom but still in this place. I'm asking her about some hallucinations. She tells me that it could be because of the person I work for(?), inheriting their psychic stresses or something.

Scraps:

Earlier. Something at some kind of hotel place. (from earlier awakening)

V messaged me saying hello on Discord. I reply "Oh, hey" but can't recall anything else.



Notes:
- The oesophageal segment is probably the most memorable part of that dream, as at the time of writing this over a month later it's one of the few bits I can recall clearly, visually. It's also one of few occasions I've had of such nature, I think all of which have only happened in the last few years, despite the fact that themes of "consumption" have always been with me.
-- On spending a bit more time re-reading the dream, some of the rest of visual elements have come back to me. Some of the floating/canyon areas have similarities with some BL biomes.

- I think when I replied to V's message, that dream had ended and I woke up at that time.

2022 June 30th

Very disjointed. Left recall too late. Would like to make some proper side notes for this one too at some point.

Dream (DFLN):

I'm in a car in a town with mom. She's driving me around in a large and modern Nissan, trying to get me to a local airport I think. There are roadworks just about every way she thinks of taking. I try to suggest some routes she can take but she doesn't seem to want to listen to them and possibly mentions something about the fact that she's driven here for X many years and so on.

(recall gap)

I'm at some kind of palatial building, here for a fancy party or ball. I'm in what is my guest room at one point. I'm a woman, except for my private areas. Someone I met just earlier (forget who) left me a dress here in the room and I think about putting it on. It's a very simple dress and is a cream colour, slightly darker than my skin tone. I have wavy hair, possibly fake blonde. Putting the dress on in bed, I think about how a dress will still be revealing of male private parts. I feel uncomfortable with this but don't see what I can do about it and reason to myself that people generally don't look to that sort of area and that I can to do things like sit down and such to possibly not make it as noticeable.

A bit later I'm at a dinner at a long table. The fancy palatial theme remains. This theme seems to feature primarily white, cream/pink and gold as colours. Somewhat plain while still being lavish.

(recall gap)

I'm still a woman. I'm with Hilary. (from DV, i.e., here!)

We're talking about dreams and artwork. I am supposed to have made three artwork commissions for her but I haven't made them yet and feel guilty. We're somewhere outside and it's night time. It's grassy and open, I'm not sure there's anything taller in the horizon that I can see.

In the sky I see the three commission ideas fading in and out as stars. The first one is a crescent moon, the second a side portrait of a woman with hair tied back, and finally something else which I've lost recall of. Hilary doesn't seem upset with me for not having finished these commissions yet, but I still feel disappointed with myself.

We talk a bit more and then she takes me to some physical threshold, maybe a door. I think she wants me to come with her to a dream?

(recall gap)

I'm my usual self again and at a bulk buy super market. Possibly a Makro (which I don't think I've ever been to). I am unfamiliar with the layout but I look around for things with confidence.

I find some frozen chips and think about the price. I see they cost 2.1 for 2.5 and I reason that at 1.5 for 1.5 normally, this is slightly better and I grab a bag. Then, I wander the shop trying to think what else I want and as I feel like I actually didn't want much more, the shop also gets noticeably smaller and is more like a convenience store now.

I look around again and see some socks, making me think that H might like some but I don't know the size and I don't want any for myself because they look too loose. I see a basement stairs bit and there's a bunch of plushies in a large metal cage basket thing next to the stairs. I think about getting some. They feel fluffy. They cost 60 each though and I think to myself that I really can't afford to pay this for a plushie and feel a little sad. At this point I also start to feel self-conscious and don't check out downstairs, which seemed to have Lego and more toys. So I leave to go the tills. At some point a fat man near me is coughing and I think I comment that I just had COVID and don't really want to get it again so soon.

(recall gap)

I'm in a rural area. It's late afternoon. I'm with two men, dream characters I think. They are messing around a bit and one has a mini bike thing (7D2D intrusion?). I am on a field side of a wooden fence and they're on the road. As I walk along, I come to a tan coloured cow. She's on the floor and at first I think she's asleep, but then I see the side of her muzzle and see it looks to be rotting, with a hole about the size of a gold ball and with some tendons showing through or something. Difficult to describe. I feel somewhat unsettled and I'm also worried for the farmer now. But I think we should get out of here before we get mistaken for having done something to the cow.

We go up a small hill road and we come to a building with a store or something. Then there are four of us and we decide something about super powers. Then inside a building it's a bit like a factory or foundry.

(rest of recall was too vague)

2022 June 27th

Some bracketed in-line notes. I need to return to this dream and make some fuller notes when I feel able to, hopefully soon.

Fragment:

Something about a (dream) country relating to the Iberian peninsula. This small country is located just over the north east of the USA at where a tip of Canada would be and seems to be in-between these two countries. I see some statistic or just know that there are less than 1.5 million inhabitants. (Oddly enough, on one of the weeks after this dream, I was looking at this general region with satellite views, based on some conversations I was having with LF)

(recall gap?)

Then I'm in my native country but I'm a character that's not me exactly. I need to get to the embassy on one side of a plaza, something about a passport? It's night time and there's a large government building on one side of the plaza with a few prominent uplighting spots. Neo-classical or classical-revivalist architecture. There are police officers in the area, probably due to this building. I think one of them comes over to me when I wander more to the middle near the government-y building. The officer turns out to be a woman and I ask where the embassy is. She tries to help me but after a while of her taking me through some streets and construction sites I start to wonder if my interests are at heart.

At one point I notice some workers at a construction site giving me/us a funny look or something? Some part of me thinks that it's odd that there's construction work going on at night.

(recall gap)

Then I'm at a fancy house place. Lots of detailed cornicing and mirrors on the walls and ceilings which have some kind of abstract Greek themed theatrical show going on, it looks like it's projected but I don't see any projector and may assume that the surface is able to display something like a screen would, despite its curved contours. There's a largely classical theme. The walls and cornicing are all white and it's fairly bright in here, though there's something of a mood light thing going on, mostly cool tones.

I'm here with my cousin T and H. T's wearing some kind of cream or pink silk pyjamas and I rest my head on her crotch and I close my eyes and she pets and strokes my head. I think about how it'd be inappropriate if I became aroused and I also think about how I might not be able to help it. I hold on to or hug her leg. (Similarities to having been awake and holding H, possibly partly awake as this dream segment was happening)

Then we show her to her bed, in size it's somewhere between a single and a double and she gets upset notably upset about this. I think the room is dark/we didn't switch the lights on?



Notes:
- I'm not sure what would have been the source for the first segment in this fragment, but I can recall some years ago I had a discussion with a friend (K) on the subject of countries with lower populations.

- I feel that for some weeks now I've been having dreams that are on parallel to schemas like that of the second segment here. Dreams in which I'm not strictly speaking my normal "self" as a character and in which I have all the same type of agency, decisions and worries as I normally would. Sort of related, today (16th of July) I wrote a bit on another journal about the somewhat lengthy absence of any other inner voices or personalities and a general absence of visual imagination among other things.
-- In reality I'm not sure how frequently I've been having these dreams (of "not myself" exactly) because I haven't thought of a tag or way of categorising them, and right now I'm thinking that I should go back through my DJ a bit at some point and find out how many instances there really are and how far back do they go; it's possible that at the moment I'm just paying more attention to this particular type of schema.

- As hinted towards, I have recently had some worries/thoughts about passport renewal and sort of by extension also about travelling. Specifically, to my old home.

- T's presence in this dream follows common patterns that the rest of her appearances in have in my dreams, but I can't remember any time specifically in which she got as upset as in this dream, about the bed. As I recall, I understood in the dream that she was upset that the bed wasn't big enough. Even in the dream, the way she stroked my head reminded me of what it was like to be a child.
-- I think segments like this one in dreams call me to create a different journal with a different complexity from what I've been doing. This type of DJ simply cannot fit into it the type of analysis that some of these dreams practically seem to be demanding of me.

2022 June 20th

Some in-line notes too.

Dream:

I'm walking through a small town that could be somewhere in my native country. Small houses, ground floor only. Trims and so on as expected. I'm with dad and cousin T. It's daytime, probably morning. Dad is taking photos and as we get to the top of a hill in the town, I see a somewhat breathtaking view of distant rolling hills much like this one, with pink cherry tree plantations here and there, interspersed with some vivid green leafed trees of similar size.

I tell dad he should hurry up to get to where I am, so he can take a photo. As time passes, the landscape or the point of view seem to change (I might be walking down the other side now) and I fear he won't be able to get a clear and unobstructed shot anymore. I lose track of my cousin. At some point she was telling dad about these aliens that live here with the villagers, whom she calls "Aarkvaads", but dad misunderstands that those would be the villagers rather than the aliens.

(recall gap)

Me and dad arrive at some rustic old restaurant. We climb up some stairs and take a seat at a table by the stairs and by a window. Daytime seems consistent with before but it's relatively dark in here due to the windows being a bit short in height. A guy that reminds me of G from school but who is a unique character, comes up to the table; he's our server. (Can't recall the dialogue)

I need the bathroom now and make my way down two flights of the wooden stairs. At the bottom, I'm not sure if I'm getting into the kitchen area by accident, but I go a bit further and find it is indeed the bathroom area. There's no outside light here, it's dark apart from some poorly placed and dim fluorescent tubes that are clearly too old. I think dad comes down too also looking for the bathroom. I go into this somewhat overly large and polygonal shaped room past a glass door that is barely frosted for privacy. The toilet is adjoining the doors' wall and the area feels dilapidated and unclean. I get ready to have a wee. I'm wearing my normal grey work trousers and it feels cumbersome to deal with everything.

Then I somehow start worrying about the fact that dad can probably see through that pointless frosting. I think I have a short wee and then give up, then leaving the room with dad going past me to use the room himself. Something happens and he slips I think? (Mostly comical in nature if anything)

Then, I'm at the mid level of the building, where the entrance is. I think I want to go outside? It's bright and different from before outside.

(recall gap)

I am outside and the restaurant is located at a sort of edge of a sedimentary cliff. Yellow-ish sandstone. It's sandy out here and there's no vegetation to speak of. It's an immense valley with sharp sand-dusted peaks. The server from before is out here, having a break or a cigarette. He's some kind of furry "bat boy" now, slightly taller than me. At some point earlier, I think there was something about a UI thing about choosing how he looked. Red is heavy to his colour theme and his fur almost looks soaked in dark blood, but not wet.

We talk, or I overhear something. Something about a rebellion? Other locals that are with him have assault rifles, Kalashnikovs probably.

Before this I think I actually had a bit of a walk around. There's this large plaza and some kind of Christian procession ritual is taking place. The entrance to the temple is where they want to go, and that's also (an?) the entrance back into the restaurant? They are standing still enough and I make my way through the very dispersed but neatly laid out small crowd, though as I get closer to the large doors the main ritual seems to be moving forward too. Not wishing to interrupt anything, I stop myself next to a tall older woman. It's daytime, about noon. The plaza reminds me of that in front of church of L. The walls to the side of the entrance are smooth eroded sandstone which bulge out every so often. (In retrospect, some of this sandy/rocky scenery reminds me of James' realm in Sacrifice, and as a God, James is perhaps more Christian in a sense than the other four)

Now, when the rebellion thing is starting, the sky goes dark and there's a heavy blue tinted atmosphere, and for lack of better description, the stench of magic is in the air. I'm in a party with sibling T and notice he's at a location called "Crystallarium Caverns", not at all the valley location I'm in. He doesn't realise that we're in different locations when we talk via chat. Fighting happens around me and I look up over the temple/restaurant and see there's a female spellcaster. She seems to be wearing something slightly harlequin-like. She has an enormous book that in width would be the height of four people, and I see her enounce some kind of runes which make a visible effect coming out of the book as she speaks each one. She throws down fire magic at the rebels and around me.

I start to get sick of her spellcasting and somehow reach my way up to her book (distortion of scale/point of view?) and then I hurl it down toward a much lower tier of the valley, intent on making it land in some water. But she uses some kind of TK to slow the books fall and it doesn't reach or touch the water. I think to myself that I should have jumped with the book. But as it rises back up, I can read its runes on a page now. Each page is organised as a kind of mandala with a number of circumscriptions for each rune. I try to read them aloud myself but I'm not sure about the pronunciation.

I think eventually we beat the spellcaster woman, but the rest of the dream recall is lost after this point.



Notes:

- This dream was particularly vivid and part of that may have been due to the fact that I barely managed to sleep the two preceding nights, on one of which I felt to have had a brief dreamless sleep, which always makes me feel odd for the rare times it happens.
-- Not sleeping was mostly on account of being ill.

- The runes in the book remind me a bit of the node tree in FFX, which I've seen recently after this dream, but given that they appeared more like mandalas it may have been an intrusion either from a discussion I had with my mom or from something relating to Jung. Whatever the source, I have thought about trying to replicate the layouts I saw in the dream.

- G and his bat form reminded me of Troy from BL3 for some reason. I think something about the posture and a drawing I did of Troy some time back. It's odd that it's the second time in not too long that I've dreamt about a bat character. Part of it may be an intrusion from the fact that someone's character I'm drawing lately is a bat, but it didn't feel especially related to that. (Different gender, different morphology/species)

- In the second half of the dream, there was something about the Aarkvaad aliens that was relevant to the context, but through my recall of the dream, I couldn't really pick it back up and so I'm not sure how they actually related. Searching for Aarkvaad online didn't really yield anything interesting and past the dream's context is probably a mish-mash word that sounded alien enough.

- The temple plaza felt very much like being in front of the actual church that it likely had inspiration from, which is interesting for the fact that I had that dream not too long ago where I was at a much more accurate version of said plaza/church. There was something more ancient and mythological about this dream's temple and the procession ritual that was taking place seemed to relate to that. In the dream part of my modern waking behaviour took hold where I was able to just go through the group without caring too much about the effect I might have on it, but as the ritual seemed to begin, my behaviour reverted to something more alike what I always learned to do, which in a sense is to give them space and not get in the way. I think as I walked there I thought about people who are careless and those who care too much, perhaps partly reflected in my responding behaviours.
-- Also curious to the ritual aspect was the fact that I was an outsider to it, even though to me it felt very familiar and normal. I just had no place in it myself; perhaps a symbolic expression or metaphor in itself.

2022 May 23rd

Unknown time
Fragment:

Something about going with H to meet up this businessman for some kind of financial assessment. Looks a bit like Goldfinger? We drive there I think.

8:15
Dream:

I'm at a version of our home. A detached house in the middle of some woods. It's really dark outside, realistically pitch black. We have a lorry outside that we have been loading stuff into, for moving house. I go to it and check inside. I'm attacked by Meowth (Pokemon) who jumps off the lorry top to attack me. I grab him and threaten to break his neck if he doesn't tell me who else is here. He says something and I understand Jessy and James to be here too.

I have a quick look around outside, but as I do, I see a red glow. They've gotten in the lorry and are going to back it up. I try to open the passenger side door, but a slightly fat man keeps trying to shut it so I just start slamming it open and shut so that he might lose grip, having no such luck. I decide to try and jump up on the bonnet. I do, and then I'm sort of sat there looking at the both of them. I think the other one is actually Jessy. I have my boots on and I use them to smash the two bits of windshield, then putting my feet through and starting to kick the crap out of the two of them, one foot each. This is all happening as they're reversing and driving around, now onto a roundabout of all places.

I see three Humvees with military police with blue arm bands inside the cars and I repeatedly yell for help from them as I keep fighting the burglars with my feet, trying to indicate with my hands that they've stolen the lorry. The thieves are different people now (both male).

The military police finally take position and aim at the lorry. I'm still kicking the thieves like hell. The police take their time but eventually start shooting. I take to opportunity of the shots hitting the lorry to somehow swing myself around and change the centre of mass for the lorry, making it topple on its side, passenger side at the bottom. One of the thieves gets out from the top and the police shoot him dead, making me briefly think about how close to me that was, but not dwelling on it.

Possibly moving the corpse or something, I sort of get into the cabin from the top and start kicking and stomping on the second thief and yelling "Get the hell out of my truck!" and such like.

Eventually, the thief gives up and is arrested. I'm not fully content with the outcome, having wanted them both dead, by my hands, or feet as it were.

I check the back of the lorry now. Inside, the contents have all gone and there's just a long and thin compressed cardboard box that everything should be in, though nothing is actually inside. Eventually, I get back home and I'm talking to H about it. I ask if we can't get some insurance payment for all the stuff we lost but he says we haven't got any. I am disappointed but say with confidence we'll manage somehow.

9/10:00
Fragment:

Subway, with someone. Some kid bumps us, he wants company? Then we get the kid to come round to some house or piano shop place, and we show him my dad playing the piano. Later I/we return to the same place, but dad doesn't remember the moment from before when it's brought up.



Notes:

- The long dream about the theft wasn't really a bad dream but it was quite vivid and somewhat intense.

- Probably one of the most fun dreams I've had in a while, as even in the dream I did quite enjoy stomping on those thieves repeatedly. Even so, at the end I did feel very disappointed about losing so much of our stuff and being able to get nothing back for it.

- My feet are rarely weapons of choice unless a situation really calls for it and I have my boots on, which in fairness is always these days.

2022 May 13th

Dream (DFLN):

I'm helping someone with a quest or something. We go into a portal thing which is between some humanoid mobs. It takes us to a reward dimension and there are five mounts, one for each player had we been in a full party. The mounts look like a snow plow/dozer machine. Orange or rusty tones? Once we get out, the other guy has already customised and decorated his "mount" and I think about doing the same when I get a chance.

(recall gap)

I'm in a town somewhere, looks a bit like areas around old home. It's night time and there are sodium street lamps, though there is more colour distinction than they would allow for. I'm under a little covered bit, like the entrance to a restaurant or house, but it's unlit I think, taking care of laces on my footwear or something, when I hear the voice of M and that stupid laughter of his.
(note to self, writing this, my recall of the dream has improved a lot as I remember the following negative moments)

He's talking to someone and I hear them approaching along the street. I deliberately take my time now and look busy, avoiding looking at all and focusing on the laces. Then, when they pass close enough M sees me and says "hey onion hair" and laughs at me. I turn around toward him now and see he's sort of perching forwards on a dividing section. I feel annoyed, angry and threatened. So I swing a bag full of stuff at him, hitting him on the head. He barely flinches however and makes some sarcastic or mocking remark, I think indirectly, talking to this other guy who's with him.

I try to compose all my stuff and go, struggling with a version of my tablet which is in A3 in size, trying to flip it closed. (rest of recall was lost)

Later, I tell H about the encounter and says "I would have hit him" to which I reply "I did hit him", possibly in frustration.


2022 May 16th

Scraps:

Something with family. Mom, dad and sibling T. Out somewhere? (recall was not retained because I left it for two days)


2022 May 17th

Fragment:

I'm at some shops with siblings T and L and also dad. We're looking for some chocolate cake thing, one of those moist ones with sprinkles on it. Dad moves away in some part of this shop. I can't recall what's on display but me and my siblings are talking about foreskins or something. I picture something about it in my head.

(recall gap)

I am outside at some point. There's a very dark, heavy and moody atmosphere, all red and black tones/hues, a sort of mist or fog too. It's a city street of some kind? I remember tall buildings, but with no windows or anything. Just plain facades. (after waking from the dream, this made me think of Trove for some reason)



Notes:

- I hadn't had a dream with M (previously referred to as MB sometimes) for a while. I'm not sure anymore what could have prompted his appearance in this dream.
-- Probably also one of few "bad" dreams I've had in quite a while too.

2022 May 2nd

Note to self, at this point I started recording dreams with year first, month second and day third, because as I was archiving dream notes from my old phone, I realised just how much of a mess day first was causing me and it was something I had not given any thought when I first started recording them in that way. In the future, it will be easier to maintain an organised record by using year first, as I already do for some other things.

Some in-line notes.


Dream (Fragmented):

I'm at my old bedroom. Dad is here visiting or something. For some reason, there are some sex toys out in my room and dad grabs them and piles them on top of an old computer desk I used to have in waking life. (The plastic "veneered" one)

Dad doesn't comment much of anything about the sex toys, but I feel embarrassed. He talks to me about something completely unrelated.

(recall gap)

I'm swimming out of a body of water into a stairwell. I can't see the bottom of the water and as I climb out of the water, I'm soaked and dripping. I don't feel cold or hot. My hair is somewhat long and I see it in front of me and feel water dripping off it. The place looks like a school of some kind.

I get up to the first mid-landing of these stairs and then climb some more steps up to a second landing. There are no more stairs after this point, as if they're missing, and so this landing just leads over back into the water again, from a higher point.

(The preceding segment was recalled while dreaming the next segment)

I'm in a field, walking along with two people. One of them is a local, the other someone I know (from the dream?). This field is strange, as it is made up of "strips" about one yard wide of specific plants, which all just seem rather wild and not at all cultivated, despite the organised strip logic going on.

As a result, there's a varied array of colours, ranging from a nearly blue-green to a dry yellow-green or maybe brown. The local man is slim and on the older side. He tells me something about how they have no choice and how this is all they can afford to do. I understand "they" as their people, as if I'm visiting somewhere that I'm foreign to.

Then, as we walk off the slightly sloped field area and starting down on a slightly steeper slope, I notice a small lizard, about a foot long counting the tail. Its on the side of a plant or a piece of dry/dead wood. It has a black scaled body interrupted by fluorescent yellow chevron stripes. The tail is flat and spiney, almost beaver-like.

Then we're walking into a road and I worry about traffic but it doesn't look like there's any, it looks kind of desolate or calm. It's day time, the sun is low but it's not sunset yet and it's half cloudy but it appears bright. There's a road for each direction and they're about twenty to thirty feet away from the other, one of them being on a lower bit, as this whole area is a sort of downwards-sloping cliff seaside cliff area, to the end of which we're walking towards.

As we get closer, even though the lowest point of the cliff is only about one yard up from sea level, I feel afraid I might drop or be pushed into the sea (on accident or otherwise). (It's at this point I recall the previous segment, I think the water must trigger the memory, though I don't think I "live" the memory in the dream at this point)

Then, I'm at a house that looks like old home. Some part of recall is missing, weirdly I seem to have slept on the sofa and it's as if I was really asleep in the dream, for a time. I grab something I'd apparently left on the sofa. I see the old man from before and say "morning" to him. I feel a little disoriented and think to myself that I didn't mean to fall asleep and yet I did somehow.

Then, I'm at an ALDI with H. We drove in in a sporty car. We pretend we're only friends and H says to a checkout person he has to get a massage coupon thing for his partner. The person at the checkout asks "what would she like?" and meanwhile I'm looking for three two-litre bottles of some soft drink, though I can only find one bottle. This ALDI feels more like a tiny service station shop and I think to myself we should have gone to our usual place. (This segment had something to do with the previous one, but I could not retain recall of what or how)

(recall gap)

Something about playing a game with a demon, and needing to do this to release an angel or something. The game doesn't make much sense at all and I can't think of how to describe it; in any case I struggle with this game in the dream. This takes place at some big/vast house, or some kind of palace.


Notes:

- Although I'd normally make this dream only visible to myself and DV contacts and so on, I feel that part of me has done that far too often of late, out of some sense of lack of confidence, an aspect I've been struggling with (again) in waking life.

- This entire dream was very peculiar. I feel I could make this remark about so many dreams. In particular however, this dream felt especially switched on in terms of symbolic representation. When recalling the dream, it feels like some part of me was aware of this. Everything about it feels organised and metaphorical in a deeper way than usual, though I think some of it may be inexpressible through words. The dream itself in parts felt like one of those dreams that feels just like life in the sense of "this is how things are, this is my life". This dream would benefit greatly from a fuller exploration on paper that is not constrained to words alone and that can make directed (lines/arrows) associative links between elements.

- I suspect that dad was representative of false expectations in some sense, because in the dream my embarrassment and the sex toy context were in fact irrelevant to our conversation about whatever else dad talked about. I am not certain what the significance of that desk specifically might be, but I must have been around 8 or 9 years of age when we had that desk, and the computer used communally with my siblings was on top of it, under one of the bunk beds.
-- In a sense, the sex toys are also likely representative of the other side of false expectation; what my mind or feelings give importance to often has nothing to do with how others are perceiving me and if anything, I end up being bound or imprisoned by my own false notions of what others think.
-- The other aspect to this is that family (represented by dad) are something that I keep entirely separate from sexual contexts as far as mental constructs go, I feel more so than most other people do, though that may be a result of upbringing; here, the two contexts meet but are essentially ignored by one another, as dad makes no remark and pays no mind, other than some sort of strange "tidying out of the way", and the toys themselves are inert objects that cannot on their own express anything except via context. This makes me think about how Jung defined libido as "psychic energy" as opposed to "sexual energy" as Freud probably did and it seems like the sex toys can also be representative of a transformation of my point of view on said energies. Again, I cannot fully form thoughts on this via text alone, this requires diagrammatic and drawn exploration that can show links and associations in a way that text can't.

- The flooded school bit was odd because of how vivid it felt in terms of sensations, regarding swimming and water. I don't remember any specific emotions, but the school was an unknown place that I've never visited and which only vaguely conformed to some constructs of schools, none of which I've ever encountered myself.

- I can't help but feel that I associate the encounters with water in this dream as being some kind of metaphor relating to collectives, more so than an unconsciousness. In a sense, the stairs were exactly about this; I can leave a collective but on the way up and out, there's actually no way out, and all I can see again is the collective, despite whatever other aspiration I might have had. There was a (somehow neutral) sense of hopelessness to this in the dream.

- The strange field feels like it was about my whole Self. The locals, i.e. my non-conscious elements, do their best to cultivate other non-conscious elements and so on (the plants) but they are constrained by what they can afford to do. I am not sure what "afford to do" could mean in a sense of personality. The land felt inhospitable to cultivation and taming, and perhaps these non-conscious elements actively taking part in growing and tending to things, are actually unwelcome by the rest of the unconscious landscape. I am checking in on them, but I seem to be there in a capacity that cannot act or make changes to the situation at present, and that any changes would have to be future, such as based on a report or the like.
-- In a sense, the plants felt very much foreign to the land as I did, even if the locals themselves just seemed... Well, local.

- Despite the small size, the lizard felt instantly appealing to look at, to be interested in. The black scaled body felt immediately relatable to what I have wanted to portray in my alter-ego for some time. The chevron striped pattern seemed unique to me. And in some sense I always find myself relating to reptiles though I have seldom spent time near them, perhaps because they have a tendency to run away from humans and to be solitary, which may be part of the appeal in itself. The lizard's tail appeared dangerous but as the lizard was most likely not aggressive, it seemed like an aspect of self-defence only. Curiously, I am now recalling that the lizard seemed to be in shade rather than in sunlight, and it's the only wild animal I recall seeing in the dream.

- The part with H at the service station ALDI definitely feels related to how perceptions are so based on physical appearances and how it's very difficult to move on from this, in cultural terms.

- The game with the demon felt like some kind of mix between Tetris, cards and other games of chance. I really can't describe it, especially for how little visual recall I have left of it. I just remember a somewhat dark and red-hued room, and a cloth-draped table.

17th April 2022

Scraps:

At old home, the shop underneath. I'm talking to the old owner, T. Mom is at the shop too after a while? I look for some cereal but I either can't find what I want or it's all weirdly overpriced. Something about being in the kitchen at old home. A pizza that bakes for too long? I am distracted by something, and also need to take S for a walk.


23rd April 2022

Fragment:

Half-game, half-real. I'm killing some secret cow level mobs in an area that makes me think of the old home cul-de-sac. Then, I'm talking to L about XP per mob, I say I can do 400XP per second or about 120 something K per minute. We then ask J (family friend) who's nearby at a doorframe, see what he thinks.

(Rest of recall was lost. Recall was left too long.)


25th April 2022

~5:00
Fragment:

I am naked and H is here with me, probably naked as well. I have female genitals and H is inserting a sex toy. The sensations all feel very vivid and lifelike.

(Left recall too long, couldn't muster enough will to make initial notes even though I intended to do so.)

15th April 2022

9:45
Dream:

In a somewhat surreal place. Daytime. There are some platforms? Doesn't seem like there's anybody else around.

(recall gap)

I'm at a dinner or lunch. It's sunny and bright outside, it looks a bit cold actually. The room isn't very big for a dining room and looks kind of bare apart from the table which fits in lengthways with the room. The window is a bit like the ones we have at home, double-glazed I think. Mom, dad and sibling T are sat at the table and I think I take a seat or am already sitting down too.

Then some people enter the room I think, a man in his sixties and one in his fourties; the younger man is the other's son and has a wife who is also in her fourties. All of them are naked from the waist down and have unusually large genitals, two or three times what should be average. The wife has male genitals too, of such a size though she's otherwise average and modest. She has a faded blonde-ish-ness and her hair is tied back. I see all of this while being sat down but they are standing up and talking to us. The couple sits down next to T. Dad is sitting to my left and the other "dad" is serving me bits of food. It looks like we're mostly having meat, possibly mostly charcuterie at that.

My small plate has some paprika-ish looking meat and then the older man cuts me some of those thin and long ones. Dad steals it from my plate and then the other guy makes a mock complaint while serving me some more, sitting down himself afterwards. Not sure what happens next, short gap in recall.

I'm in the bathroom now, with T? The bathroom has a big double-glazed window down to ankle level or so, with no frosting or anything. I need a wee and try to do something about it but I also watch outside and see a doing being walked just near the window. There are other houses with large front-yard gardens very much like this one, no fences. All grass is neatly mown.

After something, we're all leaving for us to go somewhere else. For some reason however, I stay behind and I think I watch the outside some more. It's different now or I'm at a different window, and see a street sloping down. Cobbled? I see them all go down this street, I think the hosts are actually fully clothed by this point. Eventually, as they get just about out of view, I decide that I should come with them too. Another short gap in recall.

Then, we're at some kind of restaurant-like place. There are large tables and we walk over to one with six seats ready, but which would have room for eight or more people. There are other people in the restaurant and they're just sitting there. They seem to be staring at us and smiling slightly, I feel a little observed I think. The older man from our host group asks me if I want any crackers and I say yes. It looks like he's made himself a cracker with peanut butter on it.

T seems to think this is a bad idea. I don't care and want to eat something, I think after having drunk some Schweppes or something. I'm about to eat the cracker, but my alarm goes off and I wake up.

9th April 2022

9:30-9:45
Dream (disjointed):

I'm in a little town-ish area. Flat with a few green spaces. It seems clear or sunny but dim too somehow, like nearing the end of the day, though not colour-wise? I go towards a small building thing. It's supposed to be like a little kiosk but for McDonald's, these two things don't really seem related, almost. I pick up some order from a young woman, reminds me of A, H's sister. My order is in a big but strong brown paper bag and I check it over quickly.

It all seems fine and I have awareness of having ordered a few happy meals menus. I walk away from the building with the bag, towards some stone stairs bit. Here, there's some dream-generated or popular character, and sibling T. They're sitting and we are about to start getting things out of the bag so we can eat here, but I suggest we should go up the steps instead and eat at one of the white tables up there. We go to the tables and they sit down. I open the bag now and get everything out. However, there's only 1 menu, which T takes.

I feel confused, and then annoyed, asking him why he didn't order menus for everyone (implied to have been the point) and as he eats a bagel from his menu, he looks at me and does that smug shrug. I feel annoyed and go back down the steps and to that kiosk building. I get annoyed once more, as the woman has shut the shutters to the shop and is probably gone by now too. In my head, I think something about it being 3PM. I open the door to the building, and inside it looks like old home, the downstairs kitchen. There's a pressure cooker on top of the hob and I open it, finding nothing inside despite some expectation otherwise.

I feel generally disappointed and annoyed. (Rest of recall for this part was lost)

(recall gap, a late part of the dream?)

I'm in a street and sitting down, talking to an unshaven Irish man (strong accent). He's a train conductor, and I'm being informally interviewed to determine whether I'm a suitable passenger for the city train he drives. I see the train in the background, we're sort of on a platform for it and there are people waiting inside the train. The Irish man is Catholic and as he's smoking a cigarette, he remarks something like "... thank God I don't follow it all to the letter."

I mention my own Catholic upbringing and he seems to quietly appreciate this. When he asks about my general behaviour, I also tell him I won't be misbehaving or loud or anything like that, and that I tend to be quiet and out of the way in general. After a bit more talking and some other questions I can't recall, he then seems satisfied with me and I can now be a passenger on his trains. I get in and there's something about seat assignment that should be happening, but because I'm new there is no seat assigned to me yet. Then, I have some discussion with the driver about this, while the train goes into a subterranean area.

He says something about refitting or remodelling the train in a few stops/minutes. Some man gets annoyed with the driver as he overhears this. The man says that he's late as is and can't wait that long. Then, something about disembarking with most other passengers. The conductor is down on the floor?

(recall gap, unknown chronology)

Something about a cyber man and cyber woman. They have a discussion about some memory. A third and younger cyber man checks his own memory for the event in question and confirms witnessing the details as relayed by the older man. The woman was lying, apparently. It was something about a loom of wires, part of an arm, and how it had been lifted. (?)

(recall gap, unknown time again)

Walking in a town, overcast. My hands feel very noticeably calloused and/or rough and I think to myself that it's the tenth day or something. I think that they're almost done forming the needed callus.

28th of March 2022

(I may add some notes at one point, especially if I draw the monument)

6:00 or 7:00
Fragment:

I am my alter ego but my dorsal scales are pointier, like my character N. I'm at some kind of fair or public event. Eventually after a bit of walking around, I come to a wooden bench, where mom and dad are sitting. They each move over to a side and as they sort of part, this dwarf man is revealed to be sitting there too. He has a miserable look. My parents don't even acknowledge that he's there at all. I do at first and try to sit next to him and between my parents. There's some dialogue, but recall was lost.

Unknown Time
Fragment:

In space, sort of game-ish and like Sins of a Solar Empire and Stellaris, in that you have starlanes for travel between stars (haven't played either in a while but think about it on and off when I see them on the library). I'm travelling with someone else, we're each on our own ships. As we travel and spend a bit of time wandering in a star system, the star suddenly starts to go nova. So I tell the other person we need to warp out of here now, and we head to the edge of the system, getting out just in time and travelling across nearby stars and seeing the explosion from this point. (Scale is similar to Sins)

Some other bit where I'm planning a star fortress load-out, Stellaris UI. And some other bit about managing something in a star system, possibly in sequence with the planning.

8:00 and onwards (order jumbled)
Fragment:

Climbing some eroded stone stairs. Some kind of natural or carved out limestone rock. Feels underground. As I go up the stairs, I leave behind random things, like statuettes of animals. There's also some animal following me? I don't feel attached to it however; it may be a bird. I remember an opening through which I can see a vast darkness but also underground "cliffs" and ravines. Maybe streaming water. The limestone has a beautiful creamy colour.

Fragment:

(Generally darker dream, both in lighting and mood) Dream streets, lots of people. Parts of the dream repeat themselves or I return to certain areas. The streets have shops, and there's a Japanese/neon-heavy feel. Something has a feel to it like Cybermancy.

Some plot line about a group of people who are uploading themselves into a thing or collective. I am not especially interested or anything but I help them in some way and when they start getting persecuted by some assassins or something, I use a rifle, struggling on with it for a bit, until I realise I'm "missing a skill point" for it, which I then quickly put a point it. I aim at one of the assassin at point blank, as he aims at someone else with a firearm of his own. I shoot him in the head and he dies instantly. Then, twin female assassins (though not human) standing a few feet away and moving; I spot them and aim for the head, but miss my shot, hitting her in the back or chest, but she's not really harmed by the shot.

She comes after me now and I apologise for not killing her with a single shot. I kneel, and expectantly wait for her to kill me. Something very Japanese in feel about this last bit.

After I die, I think I return to a previous point in the dream and do other things, or differently.

(recall gap?)

Then, some place like L. I'm near a monument of some sort, in a large square, which in the dream I "know" about; there's a road around the monument? It's sort of rounded itself, but not at the front where the road is. It's clear and sunny and I think I'm with someone else at first, maybe family.

The monument itself is a dream generated thing and the square reminds me more of France in some respects, although it definitely has the feel of L. I think there's an obelisk further away in the middle of the square. (I should draw this before I completely lose what little recall is left)

Near the front of the monument and at head level, there's a wide gap that's not got much height to it, maybe two feet high in opening. Through it, I see some sunlight but mostly darkness, and this underplace seems to be full of dark earthy dirt and corpses, mostly skeletal I think, though I can't recall their state exactly.

Then, as I circle around to the next corner, I climb some stairs. Up here, it's a relatively flat area which is a narrow-ish U shape. There are many stone benches, which are just part of the overall structure. Lavish and floral motifs, general renaissance or art nouveau aesthetics. The stone benches have fairly fancy cushions on them, of different and saturated-ish colours. People are touring and lazing about as in mostly any capitol-city style of a place. I head for a free seat at the bend/corner. The dream ends here, I feel just as something was about to happen.

Edit: Somehow I had recorded the wrong date for this dream, corrected this now.

I'd like to make some notes on this but it's getting a bit late and long day tomorrow.

22nd March 2022

Fragment:

Huge space battle. It feels like Freelancer but looks like EVE or just realistic. There's a Star Wars feel to the battle, overall. There are hundreds of different ship designs, both friendly and enemy, but it's mostly the friendlies that are very varied? Although it's in space, there's a large complex that dwarfs any ship and it has sloping structures with hard cornered/bevelled edges.

Seems to be a case of holding position. Ships from our "side" keep going off in small waves and most of the time are just shot right as they exit the boundaries of the complex. But some of them are able to launch large numbers of crew assault modules toward enemy ships.

Fragment:

Something about dad and maybe a wooden ladder, that he carries or gives me? Think maybe dad is ill in some way? The location is dream generated. Maybe a flat of some kind, diffuse and warm daylight coming from a skylight above, giving the inside of the apartment a bright but very diffuse light mood.

26th March 2022

Fragment:

At a place like old home, outside the little supermarket bit on that main street right outside the cul-de-sac. Except that the location is much higher up than it should be, like a plateau or mountain-top. Fairly clear weather, very thin clouds, consistent with an overall sunset context. Me and H are loading the van with other cars. Somehow, we can handle them by hand easily-ish and we put a VW estate of some kind in the back and maybe some other car. I comment on how we could almost fit three cars in the back of the van.

Something about dad and his car maybe? Old water bottle to dispose of. In the dream, I have a memory of it being like ones we used to take on road trips.

Then, something else with H and the van. Attaching some kind of trailer thing, a wooden cabinet kind of thing (Leslie cabinet type?). For some reason, H gets naked and gets inside it. We're indoors and somehow he's driving it away now. I help by holding the trailer up and such as we go down some stairs.

7th March 2022

Long dream again, but recall was left until the next day. Somewhat disjointed.

Fragment (DFLN):

I am in a place like L or old home. After something? I am returning to what is "home", where mom and dad live. It's different. The apartment building is shorter, maybe four floors, counting ground. Night time, sodium street lights.

At one point I'm having a conversation with mom and asking her where dad is. I think to myself that I haven't seen him at all during the day and find this odd for some reason.

On the approach to the building or perhaps later on, on a different return, I enter a ground level floor. It looks burnt out and dilapidated; I think I am entering through the back door. There are bums and vagabonds filling this room and it looks like it may have been a cafe or canteen. A man stands out here, he is supposed to be taking care of these people who are less fortunate and he doesn't really seem to care about them, mistreating them in some way, but I lost recall of details.

I don't like how he's treating them and I think I get into an argument with the man, wanting to find some way in which I can help, also possibly berating him for not trying or caring. Later, in a different part of the same building or maybe in adjoining building, I'm in an entrance stairwell. It has a lot of natural light and may have glass walls in part. Something about the staircase seems wrong and dangerous. I go up and down the stairs. I eventually decide that they need to be changed. Each step needs to be longer and slightly shorter, for safety. I think I start a plan on paper or something on how to do it and then do some of the work.

Rest of recall lost.


8th March 2022

I left recall too long and when I started typing the dream recall started fading too because of wakefulness. The dream was quite long and fairly vivid.

Fragment (DFLN):

Living through some kind of live-action/full feature GTA film. Certain bits are in 3D. Something else is half game-like, like an RPG. In terms of physical location, it seems a bit like L and old home in general. The layout is different and it's a ground floor instead. Something about Trevor (GTA V) being missing and when he isn't anymore, he complains about how his 3D wasn't "updated as much".

Outside and through a window I can see several cars. Three range rovers and maybe a van or something of the sort. The range rovers are all different models and colours and all modern, too.

I am more aware of myself as a character now compared to before. I'm naked for some reason. My cousin is here and she was managing something about the cars? Maybe on a computer? She's also tidying things. I need to go to the bathroom. It's like the one I used to use at old home but it seems bigger and the toilet is more in the middle of the room. I put down a navy-blue coloured plastic donut or ring on top of the toilet and sit to have a wee.

This whole place seems dark inside, but it's very bright outside, too.

(earlier?) RPG bit where I have a more reptilian form and also bigger than most other characters. I seem to have levelled enough that I can start some kind of transcendence feature, which seems to relate mostly to getting better abilities.

19th February 2022

Fragment:

Some bit outside with childhood friend D. Unusually, he's sad or depressed, in an angry sort of way. There's a city road and cars, they seem abandoned?

Later. In a school place with H; there's some Chinese children and we have to walk through this room where some of the children are, to get to the teacher's desk. We have to be careful because the room is somewhat packed. The teacher is male and speaks in English to us.


20th February 2022

Fragment:

Something about factions and such. There's a sort of palatial and governmental-like building with guards, who tell me to take my boots off. In a certain part of the dream, playing soccer against my cousin T; we're both bare foot and she kicks me on the genitals as we're playing. It feels purposeful? I tell this lady supervising us that this isn't fair and that I would play better with my boots on anyway. This lady supervising is some sort of regional regent. There is no sense of a waking-world country being related to this place and its government.

(later) In the kitchen. Putting something for H in the red thermos (the one from family).


22nd February 2022

~6:00-10:00
Fragment (DFLN):

In some kind of base or complex. The walls are plain concrete or metal and there's a dry-green tinge. There's only artificial lighting and I can't recall daylight at any point. I interact with other characters though I mostly only vaguely recall a segment on some kind of descending shaft with a stairwell or something. A group of assassins that I'm investigating or something? Following a trail perhaps. In this cylindrical shaft with the stairwell I find a katana with a gilded pattern both on the hilt and at the base of the blade, the edge may be gilded too. I discuss the blade with someone, a woman(?) nearby, as I inspect it.

Fragment:
Space. Going towards the edge of the galaxy with a fleet. I encounter a previously unknown race which sells or trades with us for some technology blueprints they have available, including blueprints for a battlecruiser, or perhaps a battleship. I see a HW-like user interface and accept the exchange. I remember thinking that it would be very helpful to have some extra firepower because of others with overwhelming numbers.

Then, in a further region of space, further along towards the galaxy edge I think. Something about space or reality is distorted in this region.


26th February 2022

Scraps:

Something about cotton buds; blue stalks, in a clear plastic tub, round?


Notes:

- I've recently been playing Homeworld, so that's probably part of why there was this theme in the last fragment. Though in the Homeworld games there's mostly a focus towards going towards the galaxy core, as there is in some other similarly themed sci-fi games. In the dream, there was more of a sense of exodus away from the central areas, which also relates partly with the Homeworld story. When I've recently played the game again, I gave the story a lot more thought than the first times I played the games, years ago.

- It's curious that there was the theme with the assassins and the katana. I've recently had very vague thoughts about playing Divine Cybermancy again and I feel that the themes in that dream were partly intrusions from these thoughts.

- The bit where I'm playing soccer with my cousin, I think we're both adults and it's like she's implied to be an agent for this unknown government. I think in the dream I had a more connected sense of what was what but if I did, I couldn't hold on to recall it after waking.
- We were playing in a room and the whole thing felt like some kind of test. I imagine the low-blow has some kind of metaphorical meaning, anything relating to blows or hits to the area is a rare event in my dreams, and usually feels especially symbolic for some reason, perhaps in part due to its rarity too. There was also a sunset and cinematic-like feel, despite the fact I was myself in first-person.

Unfortunately, for one reason or another, I keep falling back on my backlog of dreams that I want to put up on this DJ. This is annoying me a bit so I better get back to catching up on myself.


2nd January 2022

Some in-line bracketed notes.

Dream:

I'm in a version of my current bedroom. The window is across the way from the bed, rather than being to a side. It's sunny and the curtains are open. There's a slightly portly man walking around the room, going on about what was discovered about pork meat, saying he should have known all along and that he was glad he didn't have too much of it in his life. I feel there's some irony considering his physical appearance. (at the time of this dream, I think I felt this had something to do with eating what I like while I can)

(recall gap)

Then, in a car outside with H. Again, sunny, clear and bright. We're talking? It's a busy place, in a cobbled street. Looks like certain areas in L. A scantily dressed woman waves at me with a smile from a third floor window. I wave back and say hi quietly, wondering why she was being so friendly, but further thinking that she probably just found me attractive. (not something I've ever thought about regarding someone looking at me)

Other minor and random interactions in the scope of friendliness with other characters. Me and H talk a bit more. Then, I'm outside the car.

I'm sort of standing at the midway point of a crossing that people are using. I'm still within talking distance of H and eventually we agree on something and I walk off. (much recall detail was lost, everything was fairly lively)

(recall gap)

Then, at a supermarket. I'm walking around trying to find something nice for us to have for lunch, even though some part of me remembers (false memory) making some sandwiches in buns. I end up finding a pastry aisle and I see some meat pasties which I'm interested in getting. I'm not sure where I should put them. I ask an attendant about bags or anything and she says "no, sorry" or something, and I realise that she doesn't actually speak much English. I walk back to the pastries area and eventually spot some paper bags cramped under something. Then, when I grab some they are actually cut out plastic bottles, though I don't realise this during the dream.

I use two to find two meat pasties which are now in some slick plastic cases and stuff them in the bottles. While I'm walking about I see a load of people at an entrance door and then they're all looking around the aisle. I realise on some level they're students.

(I woke up at some point and I remember falling asleep thinking about how I didn't realise I was dreaming with the previous night's dreams)


9th January 2022

Fragment:

In old home kitchen. I grab off the counter some ten by ten printed canvas which is wrapped in heatshrink (clear?). On the canvas is a young man and a woman, they're sitting on a boat or something and there's water behind them. They're family somehow; my nephew/niece, but older? She's sitting and wearing a white dress and a broad white hat. She has golden loop earrings. He's standing and wearing something darker, black or navy. Everything in the painting is moving slightly, the waves are alive and the two are looking towards the point of view and smiling.

(this dream was especially vivid in my mind at the time for a while and the idea of a canvas with moving imagery was very exciting at the time)