DarkestDarkness

Long dreams but poor recall again. Dream vividness/in-dream detail has been fairly high.

29th December 2020

Fragment:

Was getting out of a house, getting ready to go somewhere. I climb some roof or something like and for some reason I get something really bad in my left leg, it's very painful. My leg gets amputated below the knee.

Then I'm in a classroom? I walk around, dealing with phantom limb sensations. I tell some therapist I'll try the mirror box theory later when I get a chance, to try and teach my leg/brain that things are different now. I see B from school and talk to him about some drawings he'd made.

The phantom limb can somehow still hold or move a sandal at the end of where my foot would actually be. I can see the old missing bit of my leg, as if it was phasing in and out.

30th December 2020

Dream, fragmented:

Driving on a motorway/highway. J and my siblings talking to me in a street? I'm in a city of some kind, it's day time. It seems quiet but not overly so, just like not a lot of people actually live here or lead peaceful lives. J was comforting me in some kind of parental way, but I don't remember about what.

At some point my view changes and it becomes top-down. Things look a bit like Factorio. I launch a nuke ICBM from a silo and after going up out of sight it comes back down only a few structures away from the silo. The silo is OK after this but most of the rest in the area gets destroyed; robots quickly start replacing most of it and I try to manually place some alternate structures.

(transition gap)

At a castle, there with mom and T. We take a walk around the outer area of the castle, close to the walls. At some point I climb up some tower. It's really high up and I can see the sky and the sun, as well as distant mountains. Sunset.

Later in the same area, something about a couple of roofers. I take away a couple of carrier bags and T helps me. I ask if they have some drinks because I'm taking the cola away with me. I accidentally lose grip and drop the carrier bag with it down a flight of worn stone stairs. I don't worry and let out an "oops". T gets slightly upset, or annoyed.

Then at ground level in an inner courtyard area. I look around and see limestone? yellow-ish stone, into which there are relief carvings and sculptures. I feel compelled to clean these carefully, they're covered in moss and general dirt.

(transition gap)

Then I'm on a bus with aunt B and mom. B is telling a story about ravines in Germany and how they are very popular attractions. The bus driver is sort of at the middle/back of the bus. It has a weird layout but looks standard otherwise. I think the driver struggles with seeing where he's going and it feels like there's a lot of traffic around us. It's an overcast day but I remember we go through a tunnel at some point. I remember seeing the ravines my aunt was on about, but partly in my mind, but as vividly as if real?

(then, many fragments)

Views of animated scenes with M/M themes. I think something to myself, a kind of feeling of envy (about the authors?) but the specifics are lost. I look up images of Zor'Drak for some reason. The same themes again, explicit in some cases. One picture is of him with an open maw and a tiny creature on his tongue, pleasuring itself; they both seem to be enjoying the activity. There's a light and warm glow coming from deeper inside the mouth. The description mentions "Ezekiel" and it seems this has something to do with the smaller character.

22nd December 2020

Woken abruptly and also got up late; last bits of recall are overlapping.

Fragmented:

I see or am at some sort of small rave party thing. Part of trying to find someone, not sure who or why. There was a nervous woman with me/the protagonist. She had doubts about what we were doing.

The rooms are lush and beautiful, out of a mix of Warcraft, Farscape, Star Trek and maybe Valerian. I recall a bed covered by a blue quilt, the bed's frame is painted gold and looks like the paint itself gives it texture. Cobalt and gold colours in general here? There are fancy uplighters, diamond shape shades?

A woman is laying on this bed, but sort of sitting up (as one might when reading a book) and it looked like she was getting wise to what's going on, whatever that is, but the dream implies it to be somewhat insidious somehow. I/the protagonist was taller than the companion. (as I recall this, intuition tells me that this dream is pulling on the lack of fun/personal time of the recent weeks)

There was a second earlier rave place, a bit bigger and in the same style of decoration and architecture, but more bar-like and open-plan.

Earlier, something about JC or another part where a special keyboard has built-in controls for a specific program or game. I had to cut into it like insulation or foam but using my fingers, because something was wrong with this keyboard.

Even earlier or in-between. Something about a group of friends. I interact with them. There was a girl a bit younger than me; she kept wanting my attention but also initially she didn't like me at all or rejected me in some sense. In the dream I was of a somewhat overly stiff attitude; I remember reading or being told by this group about some personal things and self-pleasuring was mentioned, I felt unusually uneasy about this. My dream self was more like a character than usual.

This girl eventually became my friend, but she was quite vulgar.

Fragmented:

A vivid and real-like dream where I had showered or something. My armpit muscles seemed unusual and H is naked. Something about deodorant? We were in our bathroom. The details were accurate.

Fragment:

Drawing an alien drone but the head shape was very modified compared to the original design.

Last catch up entry for today I think.

23rd June 2020

Fragment:

Remember seeing Discord. I had been removed from the Nx server, as it was no longer on the list. My friends looked shorter too. I soon realised A wasn't on the list anymore and I presumed I'd been removed from their friends list. I checked my Steam friends list and saw the same again.

In the dream I remember thinking this was unsurprising, but all the same, disappointing. It made me feel as though I'd been used, and made irrelevant past a certain point.

---

Notes:
- This part of whatever dream it was from surely came about as part of my emotional processing of a few things, but primarily from a wariness so as to not let myself be lied to or used.
- In the dream I think there was some subtext of libel against me.

Non-dream stuff - woke up at about 9:00, remembering one long(ish) non-lucid dream. Some details lost.

---

Sequence:
I remember being in a variation of my current home. I was in the kitchen. I remember a big man, he was a friend of ours; I think he was of some african ethnicity but he wasn't that dark - he had short hair and brown eyes and big hands; his girlfriend, who was of similar ethnicity was there too? She had long curly hair and brown eyes also. I think the kitchen lights may have been on, but it was day outside, maybe clear but very early.

I remember they were talking and then it turned into an argument and I joined his girlfriend's side of the argument for some reason. Then I asked him to leave, and I realised I was a bit angry, so I immediately calmed myself down, touched him in the arm, as he was upset too, and I said "I'm sorry about that." - then everyone was a bit calmer and for some reason he had this bag full of chestnuts covered in sugar that had been deep-fried. They looked delicious but I commented that they looked nice, but unfortunately my mouth didn't agree because of all the sugar.

I tried to make light of the situation somehow but either way, I then went through the main hall; the front door was open and as I walked out, the scenery was different from what it should be; our side of the street was still a row of terraced houses but the opposite side was just forest/green, and the road was wider (2 lane instead of single lane) and the pavement was much wider. My partner was parked up to the right in the car. To the left was some sort of factory (maybe tire factory, there is one where I live, but not that close).

The factory was not open, as all its (visitor?) parking spaces outside were empty. I thought it had closed for the day, though the dream-time seemed like morning, my assumption was end of day time in the dream. Opposite to the factory parking spaces was a wide bit where a bus/coach could stop. Then the road did a curve as it went on.

My partner was on the phone and had sunglasses on in the car. Opposite me, the other side of the road was some Korean man, he smiled a lot I think. Some children were playing too, I remember a little girl for some reason. I remember my mood outside was a driven one, I was looking for parking for the man inside the house, and I concluded there was none apart from the factory's spaces, so I walked back in and was going to tell him, but I had some doubts it was "ok" to use those spaces, but I think I could hear my partner's voice saying it was fine, because everyone had left. (another hint that the dream time was end of day, really)

Transition of some kind or missing detail...

I remember being with a group of people, my dad was one of the people but I don't remember who else, I think just dream characters. Of note was a man older than my dad. We were in a mall (this could have been a more obvious dream-sign on its own, plus the presence of my dad) and then we went up some concrete stairs and we were in an overhang tunnel, that went over some street or something. It wasn't very long but had angular corners. I walked next to my dad and as we were crossing, he pulled some sort of lever and the tunnel bridge started to rotate its middle section; I looked behind to see if the other DCs were able to get on.

We walked to the other end and there was a stairwell down. Then I remember being outside of there and it was like some sort of campus... I looked around (I can't remember my motivations or intents) and ended up going down some more stairs into a dark place, a subway. The tracks were at the same level as the platform, i.e. there was no stone/concrete lip over the tracks. There were quite a few people at this tiny platform that was no bigger than a small room. The tunnels were equally dark, maybe brighter somehow. I think I had stepped on someone that was sitting down at some point, though I don't remember apologising, for some reason. I couldn't see them, still.

Then I went down more stairs, to a similar sort of platform, also dark and small with several people waiting. I realised I was in the wrong place "that's the yellow line... I want the blue line" I thought, after seeing a yellow line along the tracks. I went up a level again and concluded that platform wasn't right either. I had the impression that each track was for the same line but went opposite directions.

I got out to the surface again, this campus place, but everything looked... fake, almost plastic-like. I walked along the pavements between the grassy bits and there were people around. I reached a point that had one of those blocks you can hit from Super Mario. The dream started to look a bit Minecraft-y, with voids in certain spots on the ground, sky visible. I fell down by accident into a small void pit but fortunately there were some stone blocks there. I climbed up the opposite side and continued walking.

Dream details are starting to go really fuzzy now, remaining memories of particular note only being one of a sword or something and of walking into a different place.

---

Notes:

• When I was thinking why I didn't want the chestnuts the reason was a valid waking-life reason, as I currently have some mouth ulcers that I really shouldn't "feed".
• It is peculiar that chestnuts appeared, especially prepared in such an unusual way. I haven't had chestnuts in quite a while, but I haven't been thinking about them. It may be an automatic craving, as this is about the right time of the year, when we used to have chestnuts at my childhood home.
• The Korean man was a waking-life remnant because a friend of ours was discussing the North Korean leader in passing conversation last night.
• The subway, tracks, etc all were very obvious dream-signs that I missed as always. As I was thinking about that part when I was writing it, I was realising that when I've seen trains recently (mostly in games) I've never remembered to do a RC.

Non-dream stuff - I'm a bit too tired to write all the details on this entry. Had a long non-lucid that I'll summarise.

---

The dream mostly consisted of me going around several towns around my home town, as I was trying to buy some beer either in a bottle or a can for a friend that was visiting. The context which was also part of the dream beforehand was that there were a few friends visiting at my childhood home but I only had one beer, which is what led me to go out to try and get more. At a few points I wondered if I was gone too long, considering they were only guests, I probably shouldn't have left them on their own.

Even though I went to about 5 different shops over all the towns, nobody had any beer at all, unbelievably. I remember I did find a load of cans at a shop, and I bought them, only to realise later they were some sort of vanilla coke cans. I still had the impression they were beers, which made me wonder since when did coca-cola do beer... A bit later I met a dream character which in the dream context was my friend. He had an extremely overburdened backpack and he was a bit shorter than me and bald. We went separate ways but waved as we did. I continued searching for beer after that.

I don't remember at what point the dream ended exactly.

---

Notes:

• The fact that beer was being that difficult to find should perhaps at least have made me wonder if such a situation could happen on a normal day, though for some reason the time of day in the dream felt like it was relevant.
• The fact that I went over so many towns should have been more surprising, since I only walked from place to place, and in the dream I didn't have my typical fatigue in any normal sense.
• Additionally, I typically don't drink alcohol at all (some drinks make me feel very ill within a few minutes) but some beers are alright to have and I did find myself with a craving for a beer during the dream, probably because it's been a few months since I last tasted any.