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Details are fuzzy but we had bought a house in a dying hick town somewhere isolated with a midwestern feeling. I switched back and forth from the perspective of a teenager growing up in the house and myself who is married to my husband. Dream logic is amazing, you can be two perspectives at once, switching seemlessly like a quark between dimensions and it is the most natural thing in the world. Sometimes I think we are dream people and being human is our unnatural state, it is more limiting than our dream state. Back to the dream. When I was teenager me I met a neighbor boy who I felt an attraction but he had a huge growth on his chest that was infected. He matter of factly told me it was cancer. I believe this is a direct comment from my subconscious about a growth I have on my own chest that has been dismissed as nothing to worry about. I will be getting a second opinion. We were all out hanging out and we saw three small colorful lights in the sky and watched them break into five lights that fanned out and zoomed towards the horizon. We remarked maybe it was aliens? A few minutes later there was a sound of a huge explosion coming from where they had fallen. Then missiles began rising out of hidden silos in the ground and lifting off. My first thought was, oh my god the president has pissed off someone while we were sleeping and started a war. We’ve been bombed. We are in a dangerous place because they will bomb here trying to takeout our military. I switched perspective and was now an adult married to my husband. I ran to be near him, I heard him try to calm a teenagers fear by telling him that “ it’s okay, we will kick their butts.” I woke up before I could process anything more.

My husband was going into the army and we were becoming close friends with the army srgts and the army wives. We were staying the night at a hotel close by. I asked to borrow one of the army wives clothes since I found myself naked? But then I wasn’t when I was given access to her closet and drawers. I changed and then realized the men were going off to war and expected my husband on the plane. I looked at the army wide and her husband. He was 20 she was 50. I told my husband to wait because I felt that him being in the army would ruin our marriage and I could prove it to him. I asked the wife how many times she had been married. She said 3. I then asked how many were to army men and she looked sad and said three. I said “see! It’s a game they are playing, she’s using the men to live off of. They go to war and die and she gets another one. And I don’t do that I won’t live like that!” Then we left. I thought about taking the clothes I borrowed but decided to change back into my old things and woke up.

We recently bought a house in a small town. In the Deepdown an old waitress in a flo cap that smoked cigarettes told me that the town was once busy and people visited from all over. Today my elderly neighbor was talking about our town and she said what the waitress said in my dream. “Sometime before 90s when the big box stores came and took the people further down the road this town was something. People came by bus to see it. That was a long by time ago.” It Made me realize that here in the deep down aren’t so far apart

I’ve been visiting the Deepdown a lot lately. I know when I am there because I am always about 19-21 years old. Sometimes I live with my parents. In the Deepdown I experience social life like I did as a teenager. I look for people to visit and to drink with. I find it very relaxing in the Deepdown. There im not an alcoholic. Last night I bought a bottle of vodka in a store on the way home to my parents in my dream. I realized it was Isopropyl and could not drink it. I vaguely thought about hiding it but didn’t put much effort into it. I decided to go out and pick some more up and then find a friend to spend time with. I found that I was very excited to do this, it fulfilled something deep and lacking. It was almost the actual addiction- spending time with someone I didn’t have to be perfect around someone I could party with and just be me. Even after to knew the store was closed I didn’t feel upset, I thought oh well I’ll go to a friends anyway. The alcohol wasn’t the main event- the socializing was. I found it strange that I felt I needed to seek out lower class people, people I knew from around the town I live in real life. Not friends but people I would have gravitated towards when I was drinking. I was aware of this discrepancy in my dream but I only took note of it and then went to find them. I woke up. I don’t see my drinking dreams as an issue or as a psychological failure in my 5 years of sobriety. The Deepdown has its own set of rules. There I’m young, people don’t die, people know you and I am not an alcoholic. I enjoy visiting the Deepdown, it feels like home. If that makes sense.

The dog fell asleep on my legs and I had taken 4 Glanamine. My dream was bizarre. I couldn’t move and I was surrounded by darkness. I kept trying to come up through layers of awareness but had false awakening after false awakening. Finally I began to recite the Lord’s Prayer and when I began singing it I came out of my nightmare. I turned over, making my dog move and went back to sleep. I was in some kind of pre-party college situation. At a friends house. But I wanted booze so I called my dad but hung up because I figured he’d judge me for calling him from that place. I decided to ask for a ride but every person I asked ignored me. Finally I got pissed and called people out on it. Someone I thought was a friend said it was because people were fed up with my smoking. (I don’t smoke) I was really mad. So I left and thought I’d find someone who I could talk to. I found this dorky guy who was into gaming and guns. We talked and actually had a lot of fun. I forgot about the old friends. At one point we were sneaking out of a building and we were climbing trees and jumping through windows I guess it’s parkour. It was really fun. I pushed through some windows on a lucid state but it was harder than usual. I need to pay more attention I think.

I took a dreaming supplement right before bed. First I had hynogogic hallucinations which were kind of entertaining. I haven’t seen things from my mind projected into the night darkness with that much clarity since I was about 6 or 7 when I was able to practice hypnogigic states naturally. Part of a newspaper formed mid air and then faded away in front of my eyes. I began having bizarre dream type logic to my thoughts. I realized what was happening and settled down to see what happened. Then the mechanical sound began in my ears and I knew that meant SP or OBE which I was not having if I could help it. I made myself move around to stop SP. I only wanted a lucid. I put on Compassion Mantra to fall asleep to and proceeded to have the most intense and exhausting night of vivid dreaming I recall ever having. I had a very interesting dream. I was immediately lucid. In my dream I felt stuck and afraid. There were negative things just at my peripherals. I followed a Buddha and the dream went in a long drawn out circle where I struggled to wake up. So I followed another Buddha and the circle began again, I could not wake up. I tried another and another and another following each with utter devotion. Still I had to begin the circle again. Each cycle was hard and exhausting and led back to beginning again. Only when I separated from the path and walked through the monsters on my own, reciting only the word “love” and facing the fear on my own was I able to finally wake up. My husband heard me struggling- asking him to shake me awake, he knew I was struggling with SP from the supplement. The dream has meaning. Ive been struggling with my temple and my teachers. Many of their words and actions seem to be counterproductive to my path. I feel that I may have to separate from them. Or I must separate my expectations from their abilities to teach me. They will not willingly bridge the cultural gap and teach me in English so I often feel frustrated.

For the fifth night I had amazingly vivid dreams. I can’t remember them because I don’t record them when I wake up. The clarity is good enough that I should have lucidity soon. It’s very exciting.

I’ve spent almost every night in the Deepdown. I remember fragments. I’ve been edging closer and closer to lucidity. I want to ask the dcs to tell me something important. I want to understand the divine nature of myself and all things. In response to this interest my deepermind sent me to a party with friends and my husband two days in a row. There are about six rooms, each room has a theme and and an activity. It is so much fun. We catch up with our friends at the end of the experience. We are also sent to help build a family members cabin in a place that looks suspiciously like the PNW. I’m trying on swim suits and covers. I wake up. I’ve been drinking a dreaming tea, I got it strait from its creator and it’s not available on Amazon yet... I ran out yesterday so sad😢 I hope I can dream tonight.

I visited the deep down this morning. I can’t renember the details, only the emotional residue. The deepdown feels like home, you know everyone, you are the perfect age . Sometimes people say they have a yearning to return to heaven they can’t quite explain. I believe the deep down is my heaven. I felt like if I was going to die, it is okay. I’m not afraid, I am just returning home. Where I am loved, where everyone knows me, it is a kind of neverland. The nights are always a shimmering summer haze, perfumed with the balmy scent of youth, crickets singing in the firkds under open starlight, lilac bushes in full bloom, fresh cut grass in shady corners of midnight lawns and the smell of anticipation and endless possibilities. My parents are young. My friends are young, I am who I am but I also return to being the primal part of who I was. I love my time in the deepdown.

I had return to my childhood home where I was now raising my children. I looked down a road from a tall window. My daughter asked me where it led to. I told her I had never walked the whole road. Suddenly I realized life was speeding by and that it was coming to an end too quickly. I knew I would never know what was at the end of that road and it cried. I wanted to know when we had gotten so old. After I woke up I felt depressed and had low energy for most of the day.

In my dreams, I am almost always about 17. Sometimes I am 21. I am 37 IRL. In my dreams I visit people, I just hang out with them. I did this last night. I was lucid. I rode my bike to a friends house, it was a couple of guys, not guys I was interested in, just friends. One was working on his car. Something boxy in the late 90's fashion. The other was checking his phone. They were kind of nerdy, D&D type of guys. The one working on his car was a heavy set neckbeard type of male, in his early 20's and the other was a skinny, ginger with curly hair and an Adam's apple that screamed not my type. But we were friends, it was fun just sitting there smoking cigarettes, asking what they were up to and seeing if they were going to go to the "arcade" later. They weren't. He shared something important with me before I left, and I will share it in a minute. The arcade is a place I visited in another dream, over a year ago, but I visited it twice since. Everyone is there, all of my old friends from highschool, and all about 19 - or 21 is years old. Even dead friends are there, in the dream world there is no distinction. Dead or alive, we all exist as we were. I had never seen these two boys before in waking life, but I know that I know them. I know them. I know their souls somehow, we are friends, we are at ease with each other. The kind of ease where there is no sexual tension, the kind of ease when you can just hang out in silence looking at Facebook (even though 20 years ago FB didn't exist) on your phone and it is cohesive. After about an hour I took off and said goodbye. I told some other friends that I wanted to go to the Arcade and asked if they thought people would be there. They said yes. I knew that when I got there I would see several people from my past and it would be easy, like old times. Maybe have a beer and play a game of pool - even though I am an alcoholic and haven't picked up a bottle since 2013. But it is different there. This morning I learned that this place has a name, it is called the "Deepdown." There we don't age, the dead aren't dead, and alcoholism isn't a thing. There in the "Deepdown" we are young, we are immortal, the feeling of friendship and love prevails. The Deepdown is what I call the dreaming place, the lucid place. It is a real place. I know it's real, it is more than the firing of random neurons pretending it is real. I know it's real because I know my way around the Deepdown. There is a theater I can find, an old town that used to have people in in it before 1998, but they moved along to keep up with the tourism and the big box stores, the old ladies in Flo caps and aprons smoke cigarettes and point to pictures on the wall that show old pictures of big holiday parades, people lined up on the sides of the street to watch the floats, and the celebrities and to peek in the store windows. The restaurants are mostly empty, their decor is old Ponderosa Pine and Wagon Wheels, and cobwebs. Most of the store fronts are boarded up now. In the Deepdown my parents are young, they are in their 30's or 40's. They think I am a kid. I have to sneak out and being under the stars, smelling the grass, hearing the crickets as I zoom on my bike towards a place to meet my friends is exhilarating. Only in the Deepdown do I get to see these people, do I get to remember the thrill of being young and of being free and the smell of the night when it smelled like endless possibilities. Not all dreams take me to the Deepdown, some are shallow, some barely scratch the surface, you can tell-they are superficial. I don't know the people there. But in the Deepdown, when my subconscious has plunged through layers and layers of whatever it is that constructs the dark spaces between memories, I am in a real place. I've seen my friends who have passed from this earth, there they don't know they are dead, because there I guess they aren't. I'm totally lucid in this place, I could effect things, I could change the color of the sky or tell my parents I am 37 years old, but I don't. I just enjoy it. I marvel at how young they look. Call it what you want, I call it the Deepdown. Because that is how it feels, it feels like a whole other Universe, way Deep Down inside of the layers that constitute my awareness. I know it is called this because that is what my friend told me. I looked up at the stars and I smelled the sweetness of being young and out in the night with people I liked. I said- What is this place? The boy looked up at me, he looked through huge thin brass aviator glasses that had smudges on them and he took them off to clean them. He put them back on and he smiled at me. He said - "This is the Deepdown" He ran the words together just like that. I could see the words in my mind as he said them, they were together, not separate like we would say it here, but one word- the "Deepdown." "Why is that important?" I asked, excited to hear him say something I felt was significant. He looked at me bored. "In the Deepdown, you know them." And I did- I do. I know them. In the Deepdown, nothing changes, I know them, they know me. I woke up knowing for certain that the people I speak to, the friends I see in that place that he calls the "Deepdown" are people I know, just as I knew them then, unchanged and it is comforting to know I will go back again.