Linkzelda's Dream Journal

09.15.2012

Urge to Kill Myself (Non-lucid)

NON-DREAM DREAM LUCID

I'm inside somewhere, and it feels like an apartment because everything is so enclosed and small. The surroundings inside are hard to recall exactly, all I know is that it had dark colors, and that it was mostly blurry. That's probably because I wasn't using my peripheral vision a lot.

My mother is inside with me, and I believe she's wearing a Black nightgown. I don't know why she needs to be here, but whatever it is, it doesn't seem to be anything positive at all. I can't recall the majority of our conversation, the interchanging emotions is too much to ignore to filter out what we were really saying to each other.

There's one part where I'm outside with her, maybe 3-5 feet away from the entrance to the same apartment or complex we were in a while ago. Again, I can't remember what she was telling me, but it was tempting enough for me to grab her collar, lift her up again, and with sporadic rage, I most likely yelled back as well.

It was like talking to a Chihuahua...all bark and no bite, but I don't understand why I would be so passive aggressive. We're back inside the apartment, or maybe I'm having trouble with the plot of where the scenes went first, and I see that she's just standing there, trying to be aggressive towards me, but all she's doing is yelling at me.

To see if she's just there to blabber and remain intolerant of anything I have to declare to her, I professed,

"I just want to kill myself!"

Wait...wait...wait...noo....you're supposed to say that$@%$

I stood still, waiting for her response, already formulating what she could be thinking right, which would be to tell my father what I would say. The tingling feeling in my head became stronger, and when she asked, "HUH!?!?!" it's like the vibrations getting even stronger than before.

To be honest, I wonder if this DC of my mother feeds off of my rage....

After she goes back with her jargon of yelling, I muffled out the auditory input somehow, and instead of fighting her back with yelling and threats, I decided to just calm down.

I thought about what my father would say if she told him this, but I didn't even care anymore.

This same moment is what confuses me, maybe I was lucid at this point, but it's so hard to tell.

Whatever it is that I do, I knew that any action contributing to these moments of spoteniety would be useless, and I continued to eradicate any urge to express rage towards my mother.

My intuition tells me the purpose of this dream is trying to portray my relationship between my parents. It's most likely my paranoia of what will happen next in the dream that keeps me on edge, when it's really just a dream.

It's useless to waste time portraying rage to dream characters that represent your parents....they're all fleeting dreams, what's the point in being angry at these imaginary figures in the first place. I also have another gut feeling that this also a sign of my daily annoyance of my dreams sustaining a vague intention of trying to give me a message, and I always assume it's random.

But at the same time, I can't even become analytical of them because I'm already set with this preconception that it's really just too random to apply conscious reasoning.

Maybe they're all random because as long as my annoyance in trying to maintain my discipline in recording these dreams, no matter how absurd or boring they may be, it will continue to be that way unless I change something.

So now what? Just let go of everything that I'm thinking?

I already know where I leads...even when I really do "let myself go" with not worrying too much on rationalization, because it's just ends up being shit, and it's really distracting me what I have to do in waking life, which is obviously just to make sure I don't end up in the soils of the earth too early.

Bleh. "Soils of the earth" lol, I must be crazy.

~~~~~~~
On a random note,

I listened to this song in the Prince of Tennis Soundtrack, and realize how amazing it feels listening to it.

I remember when watching the show, Ryoma Echizen (the main character) would be in a nearly impossible situation in a tennis game. He would be down 2 games, and the opponent would be leading 40-0.

Then the moment that song starts, the build up in the first seconds seconds, comes his favorite phrase...

"Mada Mada Dane" (You Still have Lots more to work on/ You Still have a Ways To go)

And he just rapes the whole match with these insane moves, it was so fun listening to the music and seeing Ryoma win the match, and as the music is about to end, the umpire would say,

"GAME!"



"SET!"

"MATCH!"

"RYOMA ECHIZEN!!"



Lol, that's a complete turnaround from the dream I just had.