Suena

When my son finally took a nap around noon, I decided to do some reading for my Government class. However, our government is very boring, so I shut my eyes instead.

I'm pretty sure this is the first real WILD I've ever had, because about five minutes after I closed my eyes, I was still staring at blackness but something didn't feel right. I was sleeping, I knew, but I could hear T still playing his video game. Soon people from the game Skyrim started to appear (T's game) and I wanted to have sex, plain and simple. I've never actually gone through the whole process of sex in a dream, so it's something I've wanted to try. In the past, usually the people I try to have sex with disform and it's disturbing. If there are levels of lucidity like some people proclaim, I do believe I was more aware than usual, because I could remember my lucid dreaming goals. I just didn't feel like doing them.

Anyway, these people appeared but I was losing lucidity, everything kept going black when I tried moving around. I thought I woke up maybe two or three times, but I'm still not sure if I was even awake. Each time I would close my eyes again and I'd instantly be back in the dream.

The Skyrim people were gathered in some kind of church doing service. The pews were full of people. I was walking down the aisle thinking to myself about why I was having this kind of dream. I was scoping the place out for a sex partner. I realized that all of the people were old and mostly women. Everyone had turned and got on their knees in the pew, like doing a prayer. I decided to take advantage of a guy that was on the end of a row. I came up behind him and groped him (lol). He seemed to be shocked, I mean, it was church. When he turned around he was ugly, so I said fuck it and abandoned my goal to have sex.

I "woke" up again and quickly shut my eyes. I found myself sitting at my computer playing the Sims 3 (yes, I play the Sims, occasionally.) I wanted to try a different way to control my dream. I figured what better than a computer game. I got up real close to the screen and I seriously tried to do the "Blue's Clues" thing where Blue "scadoos" (we can too!) It didn't work, lol. So I tried to enter the screen directly. I put my hands up to the screen and they slid through. I got my whole body through the computer screen, but it was still like I was sitting at the computer, it was just a more 3D-like view. And I could see in my peripherals (spelling?)

I wanted to try again and crawled back through the screen to my chair. I gave up.

Then this girl I used to go to school with, M, showed up. Her voice was really weird and manly. I didn't know if I was dreaming for a minute so I checked my hands. I kept counting six fingers on each hand. I told M to count her fingers. She did and gave me a horrifying look. I laughed and said hey, it's okay, it just means we're dreaming. She actually believed me, unlike the usual DC people who say that they're not. I told her we could do anything. My kid woke up and started crying. I knew it was a dream so I said, "et's go outside, trust me, it's much better outside." he asked me what a bout the kids. I said my mom was coming over to watch him. I opened my door and my mom came inside. I took M outside and woke up.

So that was my little adventure.

The other night I got a little drunk. Then I got really upset by something someone said. I stayed up all night long, maybe an hour or two of sleep (bad idea). My dreams backfired though when I did get sleep last night. That's not why I'm here though.

When I stayed up, bawling my eyes out for how everything in my life seems to get so fucked up, I was pacing around my kitchen, smoking cigarettes, and every so often I'd pick up a pen and write down something in my notebook about how I was feeling. I just felt like sharing what I wrote. It's not even poetry, and nothing witty or cool. Just felt like t yping them up. Maybe later I'll be able to turn some of them into poems, who knows.

At my deepest and darkest moments, there is no one.

Have I always deserved to cry?

You were always the one who knew me, the only one I let know me. Out of everyone to whom I've been true, it was you, so tell me, do I deserve to cry?

God, why don't you answer me? Have I sinned so completely that I deserve no love?

Have I been so unbound by others, that I'll never make a good mother?

Has it been my choice, my right, my freedom? -- to go home to what I own at night
Or my fate, my path, my life.

I cannot blame you completely, I always fall every so often. And I do not give you as much credit as I do the devil.

When I have no one to call, I call on God,
and when he doesn't answer,
I write poetry.

M a y n a r d.

But I'm going to be selfish and keep that part to myself.

I really don't feel like explaining the entire dream, but there is one part that is bothering me. In the dream, my fiancee's ex-girlfriend came by while he was sleeping. Her hair was purple instead of blonde and she wore a strange hippie/hobo outfit that matched her hair. I didn't even know it was her until she started to leave. She came to the door and was trying to keep her head down while telling me to give 'these' to T. 'These' was a portfolio of paintings she had made and had wanted him to see. I asked her who she was and she just hurried off. Then I realized who it was and called her by name. She turned to look at me, but continued to leave. As I was standing in the doorway, I called T's name to wake him. She protested with a gesture and was gone. I went back inside and hesitated about opening the portfolio. I decided not to and laid it on the counter. I went off to one of the bedrooms. I was talking to someone (my ex I believe) but he actually looked and sounded like my fiancee. He was commenting on what just happened, saying, "that was weird." When I went back into the living room, the portfolio was torn to pieces. My "ex" picked up some pieces and said, "Wow, these are actually really good." I was scared. I hadn't expected my fiance to wake up so soon or what kind of reaction he would make. I wandered down the hallway after hearing his voice. He was talking real muffled and I thought it was him crying for a moment. He was in the bathtub and I peeked it. I felt bad for him and asked if he was okay. He directed all of his anger at me by shouting at me to leave. I began to cry.

Then in the same dream, but much later, one of my REAL ex-boyfriends was trying to hook up with me. I don't know what this was all about, but I wish I hadn't had the dream about my fiancee's ex, those are ALWAYS bad for me. But, I think about my Maynard dream and smile.