Vesterguard

Non-lucid – Notes – lucid – Interpretation – wake/dream visuals/visions

2018-11-18 The first of the four dreams occurred during the night, in response/preparation to our dream workshop during the evening and the interpretation round this morning. They occurred in the wake of an Ayahuasca ceremony which took place on the Friday, which for me were heavily themed around (A) the practice of acting/doing what I felt like, risking to provoke and loose standing from my friends and (B) learning to see under and past the emotional pain – that is not staring myself blind at the stuff that is troubling me, without ignoring it either, but allowing myself to see the broader picture.

Dream 1: Sexual fantasy turns to voice from beyond, which culminates in a brutal murder and forgiveness of inner children.

I am lying in the ceremony room, where a couple of us have gone to bed. Nala and I are starting to make out and she starts inviting to sex. I am thrilled, yet I don’t quite do anything about it. Eventually she calls out to Mads something along the lines “Mads I am trying to have sex with Dennis, but he doesn’t really seem to want to go along.” I quickly respond “Yes, Yes I do” and then we start having sex, she guiding me inside her.
The dream then changes. Now there is some darkness and a female voice is calling out to me: “This is karmic, I will meet you in the summer.” I think to myself this pertains to a soulmate or girlfriend to come and I pull her out of the shadows, so that now I am staring at a doll face, that doesn’t seem to have any real facial features except the contours of the doll face and some long blonde hair. I ask her if she can provide additional details of herself, at which point I look at the doll face and see that her cheeks round up a bit. Other than that nothing else happens.
I then parcour jump down into the basement, meant for parking cars. There I meet two boys, one is about 4-5 years old another is maybe 7-9. The young boy tells the older “This is where you did me wrong (or: this is where you annihilated me)”. The older doesn’t seem to quite understand, but then the story continues.
Then a 12-13 year old guy appears – there is no question that he is a bully and he is much bigger, both taller, more muscular and fatter, he has a distinctly malicious energy about his person - while the two aforementioned remain hidden down behind a corner. The big guys is there to bully and the 7-9 year old then pushes the smaller one out from behind the corner, he seems to blush and turn red around the cheeks while doing so.
As the youngest run out the Bully picks him up. As he picks him up he turns into a small baby of 6 months or maybe even smaller as in still a fetus. As soon as he has picked him up he walks over to a railing and slams the head of the youngest down into this railing. Killing him.
The youngest looks like a doll and I say something along the lines of “Ah it was a doll”. However then the scenario shifts about and from above the doll is seen lying on the ground, and it is clear that the Bully has killed the youngest fetus/6months old cold blooded.
The 7-9 year old is devastated and I am now back in my body and participating in my dream. It is clear to me that my reason for being there is that I must forgive the 7-9 year old, that is the karmic stuff the woman was talking about. I sit down with the guy and we both cry like babies.
I don’t think I have ever been so wrecked by guilt, disgust, anger, sorrow and empathy for the guy. It is difficult containing all these ambivalent feelings and focus on forgiving him, yet this is what I sit down with him and do.
Dream Ends.

Dream 2: Walking through a fairgrounds in the rain.

I am outside in a fairgrounds of some description. The atmosphere is holiday-like and I am walking around by myself, though there are many people around. I am walking past playful attractions, like a bouncy castle where I wonder if it is OK I am wearing shoes. I also walk past loads of food outlets – notably fastfood ones, like Sunset Boulevard and McDonald’s – and contemplate buying food, though I don’t in the end.
It starts raining, severely. I get drenched in my brown Polo shirt, which I received from a friend of mine about 15-20 years ago. I wonder to myself how I will manage being all drenched and I take off my shoes and find that they are completely soaked in and filled with water as well.
Dream Ends:

Interlude: Before going into the dreams that followed later this day it is worth while noting a few events that transpired. The reason being that heavy emphasis was placed on sharing and interpreting these above dreams before the following 2 occurred. Thus the following two dreams can be both expressions of the same primarily activated themes, but also responses to the interpretations that were carried out.

So I interpreted the first dream as essentially carrying a theme, which is best summarised as the relationship between various inner children. The narrative transformations provide some indications as to what the theme is about, I think.
The dream starts out as a sexual fantasy – which is both day residue, as we fell asleep together and both of us apparently experienced fear and confusion as to what the connection was all about, as well as a pinpointing of a challenge I experience in intimate relations (the fear of reaching out, making the first move and committing to expose myself through expressing desire and attraction) – that then transforms to a karmic message “This is about karma, I will meet you in the summer”, which is a dialogue with a “faceless” woman (which carries on a theme of recent where a veiled woman has made herself known, as well a running into “the guy who wants to remain hidden” on the same night in a different dream), which then leads to a display of the killing of the youngest child (4-5 years old, turns into 6 months/fetus) through the brutal action of the 12-13 year old, but guided by the 7-9 year old.
The intense emotionality, the supernatural aspects as well as the residual impact leads me to suspect this as a prospective dream, indicating that a dawning realisation of the interrelation between various “sub-programmes”. I suspect this is related to the connection between my fear of intimacy (which was prevalent with Nala) and my fear of promoting myself.
The reason I suspect this was that when I was discussing some of the potential meanings of these boys of various ages with Mads on the way back from the weekend the 12 year old reminded me of a time when I had a crush on a girl from my class (Djana), though I never really dared to admit it. I could admit it to myself, but I was afraid of admitting to it publicly, which has been a recurring story ever since. This theme of public displays of affection was actually activated as an element of conscious reflection during the breakfast, where I engaged with Nala in an intimate fashion.
So it is as if at least 3 of these 4 inner children are known to me. (1) Fetus//6 months old – pertaining to being abandoned (in the womb through smoking, alcohol consumption and potentially a polluted motivation of wanting to keep a hold on my dad, indicating a dysfunctional relation already then and the traumatic experience at 1,5 months old that I have talked to my mother about) (2) the 4-5 year old (The memory of getting punished for reaching out for food, being shamed and made wrong, as confirmed by my cousin who was in the memory) (3) the 12-14 year old (associated with being afraid to publicly commit to attraction and already at this point in time experiencing difficulty in expressing sexual desire or making the first moves. The 4th (the 7-8 year old) is so far unknown to me (it is the period of my life where I first discovered computer gaming, is the first that springs to mind).
In any case the notion around Djana becomes present in one of the following dreams.

Dream 3: How can one loose a space ship, well apparently it is because we forget how to look at the stars at night.

There is a vista of a city skyline in bright sunlight. I am overlooking this from the water, a river I think. Then a portal opens and a version of the starship Enterprise appears. Then another and another I think of up to 6 or 7 appear. They are all slightly different, with different details around particular the engines, but it is important and it is made known to me that these differences matter, as it is a proof that I am not “just seeing things”.
Then an alarm is sounded, or it is made known that we have lost a starship. There is a meeting of various generals from all over the world. Then a question is posed “How is it even spotted when it is hanging out there in the outskirts of the solar system in the darkness?” and an immediate, but also embarrassing answer (because it is so obvious) is posed. “Our allies (a different species) can walk in space and so can easily see spaceships in the darkness”. Then the Iranian general walks out to observe the stars and train his vision, but also do something of some description to retrieve the starship.
Dream Ends:

Dream 4: At a party, going home early to meet Djana, but is instead greeted by 6-7 aliens looking for Hude Dant – which I recognise as an obvious allusion to Hugh Grant.

I am out partying with my friends. I decide to rather quickly return home and here I hope that I will find Djana at home. When I return I notice a small car parking on the other side of the road. It is driven by a woman – who is sitting in shadows and whom I have an awkward feeling about – we have a history and she is somehow connected to picking up Djana or someone else. I walk in and am pleased to find that the doors are open and that there is a light on. I walk in and down to the basement, but can’t find Djana. Instead I find my laptop lying on the sofa.
Then a whole bunch of people walk in. I immediately know that they are aliens disguised as humans and that they are somehow connected with the previous spaceships (though I have no explicit memory of the previous dream, in this dream). There are 3-5 of them in the room and they are looking for Hude (or Lube) Dant, but I also know that this is a poor way to cover up that they are looking for Hugh Grant.
There is a scenario shift to a driving car with 2 aliens in it, where one has disguised itself as a Dane and another as a Swede. There is a statement that I should keep away from Copenhagen and that there is something funny about this disguised Dane speaking Danish. It is all connected to a greater mission of sorts.
Dream Ends:

Non-lucid – Notes – lucid – Interpretation – wake/dream visuals/visions

Non-lucid – Notes – lucid – Interpretation

2018-11-13 00:21 So to take charge on the dreamwork project with healing rejser I have decided to run it myself, though I feel somewhat tired.
I don’t know where to start. It feels as if identification with psychological self is falling away. Over the past couple of days I have experienced that with every thought arise a history, a narrative a person-in-potentia. It is falling away and I realise myself to be infinitely broader than whatever thought, feeling or sensation that arise, yet I am also Dennis, an embodied, carnal and emotional being just the same.
I have experienced anger towards Cecilie culminating in an experience of being hurt. Simply hurt. The numbness and stupididty I felt when realising that is all I had been fighting to feel, all my anger towards her was trying to repress and what the suicidality was an expression of left me giggling, free and confused.
Speaking off. There has been much confusion. Mainly as I have found little to be ecstatic or happy about, no mission nor direction. Thus meaninglessness and confusion.
When I felt the hurt with regard Cecilie I started crying and placed myself down on a carpet. I saw myself a fetus in the womb of my mother and it felt as if I sent a team of light beings, angels to remind the fetus in the past that it was forever loved, before I took it and placed it firmly in my chest, now giving it love from myself to myself.
I want to try out permaculture, more embodied, more giving a shit about my daily life and the planet on which it occurs. No longer a saviour project (attachmentto the recognition associated with such an endeavour), but simply because I miss trying out more contact with nature in a responsible way, the way of a custodian.
I have felt curiosity about people. Like genuine curiosity, notable due the absence of trying to bring the conversation around to be about me. Either in terms of “I have tried something similar, when...” or “I totally get that, maybe you should look at it like… to….” or simply to demonstrate cleverness a hungry and hurt yearning for recognition, a desperation for fulfilling a hole that was futile from the beginning. I have seen the source, understood the principles by which the conditioning arose and battled myself to eternity to cling on to it, but it is faltering.
I have experienced the depths of despair, isolation and loneliness driving my thoughts into suicidal contemplation ever so more specific and concrete, to the point that I just 2 days ago considered writing my departure letter as a way of examining why I was thinking about quitting it all. This pain has driven me through profound anger at my heart, my soul and God. I have been piss fucking irritated at my soul and God for not really appreciating the nature of a mortal being and selfishly deciding to put a poor human being, and not only me, through whatever hurts simply so they can learn a lesson or two from an immortal perspective. Funnily enough this anger was followed by what seemed a remark from Raphael “you have a point you know”. I have been angry at my heart as I thought that was a spot in which I was supposed to find rest, but the more I dive in the more it screams “BRING ME YOUR SUFFERING” as it spreads out tentacles digging up collective emotional bull shit that is lingering below the surface and causing all sorts of havoc, wanting to feel it so it can be released. What a dick that heart of mine!
In my moments of darkness the room has literally seemed to go black and a voice have whispered “Well if you don’t need that soul...”. I guess if you open for angels, you open for all of them.
Yet then in meditation the whispers of Ganesh have imparted me teachings of regulating attention. It has shown me how desire with attachment to outcomes becomes a strong, single pointed focus – just as you would practice in meditation. The problem is you then manifest it. I have seen how I have been manifesting pain and suffering relentlessly.
All of this. All of this pain have left me severely questioning the wisdom of Ayahuasca. It seems that whenever I engage my desire for something simple, something human – love, connection and sex – I am denied. To the point where it has brought me into the realms of psychiatry, as it seems the plants are unwilling to help and assist with my predicaments and I now am scheduled to have a psychiatric evaluation carried out – do what you fear ey?
It goes further than that. Here I sit on the night where I have finally broken my resistance towards promoting myself. The pattern that obscured my actioning was seen, and understood in its complex simplicity.
When an urge to create and claim a slice of life for myself arise, in the concrete manifestation of simply promoting myself, a thought arise in response. “The world is already enlightened, you are no longer needed” - typically this would occur in interpretation towards an article read, a sentence uttered or something similar. In effect it would serve enough of a distraction to keep me from doing what I intended. Then when I engage with life and start seeing evidence to the contrary that maybe there are people out there suffering, someone I could assist a replacement thought would pop up, typically identified through some sort of inspirational video, article, cartoon or similar: “Well there are plenty of people out there much better than you, more suited to take up the task”. Then more examples would follow that would indicate that maybe you know I could be of service to some at which point the voice would turn distinctly sinister “Well Dennis you are a shitty human being, look at all of this shit you can’t figure out about life, you are not fit to help anyone”. Which would then initiate a period of intense suicidality, self-absorbed victimhood and suffering.
This pattern has been at times lasted weeks, if not months. But after I verbalised it to a good friend yesterday I have seen it manifest and resolve within the space of an hour, though the suicidality and “terrible human being” bit got channelled into actually getting a marketing post written.
My biggest fear is a funny one. I am actually afraid that upon resolving this inner conviction that I am not worthy of life, that I have no function to fulfil (it is tricky dedicating your life to helping people out of suffering, if all the world is already there just waiting for me to resolve my own bull shit so we can move on) that the enlightenment of the world will ensue. I would thus manifest my deepest fear, a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There is a lot of quirky stuff going on in my head (and oh my god don’t get me started on the bodily stuff), transformations and shifts in perspective are occurring at a rate I am so not accustomed to. I guess an apt analogy is that I have been thrown into a maelstrom in the middle of an infinite sea during a thunderstorm and am now learning to swim in these waters, slowly getting the hang of it.
But there is a fierce willingness also arising. A willingness to experience more. Despite the intensity I want more from life.
I can guarantee very little at present. The main thing I can say for sure is that I refuse to listen to the belittling voice within. I have empathy and compassion for why it arose. But I refuse to be worthless any longer.