Thread: Would you change yourself for your partner?

I'd rather leave my partner than be miserable.

I guess it depends on the circumstance. If we're just talking about the partner wanting you to change something from your preference to theirs... why are you having to make a change? If the relationship were equitable to start with it shouldn't happen.

I really depends a lot. Would really have to decide case by case. I would assume she would have some reason for it, so I would try to understand the reason and see if it makes sense.

Change is a normal and healthy part of living. If you're reluctant to change yourself, think about why.

So, er, along with thinking about "why should I have to change," you should also consider, "why shouldn't I change."

I could write a long list of things I would change and things I wouldn't in each category. Alric said the most logical response already. This is a bad thread.

Originally Posted by Abra

Change is a normal and healthy part of living. If you're reluctant to change yourself, think about why.

True, but what's important here is the source of change. True change comes from within, not from the dictates of some other person on the threat of not getting sex or something. In other words, change FOR someone else is not healthy.

Originally Posted by cmind

True, but what's important here is the source of change. True change comes from within, not from the dictates of some other person on the threat of not getting sex or something. In other words, change FOR someone else is not healthy.

Many people think this, but it's not always the case. Here's an example: Let's say you are in a relationship that is understood to be monogamous, but you constantly cheat on your partner. You have been raised by your parent(s) to think cheating is fine as long as you don't get caught. Eventually, you get caught and your partner ends the relationship. After much talk, your partner decides to give you one more chance with the requirement that you stop cheating. Now if you stop cheating for your partner, but then grow to realize it is the right thing to do, is it "bad" or "unhealthy" that you changed for someone else, simply because you never had the right influence in the past to attain the realization that cheating is wrong?

That said, it's not a good idea to make an unhealthy change, or a change that will never agree with your personality/beliefs, just to make another person happy. In the end, you will just go back to your behavior, or you will grow to resent the person that "made" you change against your will.

Originally Posted by dankoni

Many people think this, but it's not always the case. Here's an example: Let's say you are in a relationship that is understood to be monogamous, but you constantly cheat on your partner. You have been raised by your parent(s) to think cheating is fine as long as you don't get caught. Eventually, you get caught and your partner ends the relationship. After much talk, your partner decides to give you one more chance with the requirement that you stop cheating. Now if you stop cheating for your partner, but then grow to realize it is the right thing to do, is it "bad" or "unhealthy" that you changed for someone else, simply because you never had the right influence in the past to attain the realization that cheating is wrong?

You could have made a much better example. The one you gave is silly because it presumes that "cheating" is universally morally wrong. Do you really classify adultery with theft, rape, or murder?

Originally Posted by cmind

You could have made a much better example. The one you gave is silly because it presumes that "cheating" is universally morally wrong. Do you really classify adultery with theft, rape, or murder?

It seems I picked the perfect example, as it elicited such an unusual and defensive response from you. My example in no way "presumes that cheating is universally morally wrong" and who said I was even beginning to attempt to "classify adultery with theft, rape, or murder?" It was just a random example I picked that I assumed would not be too "heavy" or complicated.

I certainly don't equate adultery with rape or murder, but I believe it can be as bad, or worse, than theft. At minimum, if your partner is loving and monogamous, it's completely breaking the trust of a person who is supposed to be closer to you than nearly anyone else on this planet, and in rare cases, you could be (hopefully) unknowingly infecting your spouse with a potentially fatal disease (absolute worse case scenario, of course).

However, none of this is the point, as I was simply choosing what I thought to be a simple example that fits the bill of an action which is nearly always wrong, but one that many people commit without remorse until they learn the error of their ways and the full repercussions of their actions. Only sociopaths think it's perfectly fine to cheat on a partner who is completely faithful, honest, and under the impression that they are one half of a monogamous relationship.

In interest of continuing a discussion on the OP's question, I'll ignore the fact that all of your responses have been extremely telling and offer a different example with which you might not take so much personal issue. How about a family intervention for a drug addict? If the family begs, pleads, and even guilts the addict to get help for their addiction, is the addict's change for their loved ones always "unhealthy" as you have claimed? While it's a fact that an addict will not truly change unless the change comes from within, the initial spark of motivation might very well not come from within the addict, but rather grow into true personal change once sourced from change FOR others. I believe you'd have a hard time arguing that it is "unhealthy" for a meth addict to kick their addiction, regardless the source of the initial motivation.

I agree with that, lying to your partner is wrong. If you want to sleep around with a ton of people you should tell the person you are with. If they are cool with it, then there is no problem. If they do have a problem with it, then its a problem that needs resolving. Lying to the person doesn't solve the issue. That is one of the biggest problems with relationships, is miscommunication and having poor expectations of each other. If one person has the expectation that the other will only sleep with them, and the other thinks they can sleep with anyone, that is a big problem.

I think the way to have a strong healthy relationship is to just tell each other honestly, what you want from it. I you want something I can offer, I will give it. If you want me to change something, I might give it a try but I also might say its a deal breaker. It all just depends.

Let's looks at another example

Is it justifiable to require a man to change his clothing style from this



to this?



Cmind brought up that good change comes from within, but honestly anyone who wants to pick up chicks is better off dropping the sweatpants. But what should he replace them with? I want to say "his inner style" but that's sort of vague. It should obviously be a style he's comfortable in, but I mean what style is more comfortable then sweatpants?

What if you usually dress like this



and a girl you're into likes guys that dress like this?



The question then, it seems, is why you were dressing like a hippy to begin with, and why you don't dress like a hipster. And if the girl feels important enough, perhaps the question is really important. But if she isn't comfortable with the style you already have, then the socially correct response would be that she wasn't worth it to begin with. But what isn't worth it, really? The girl, or your dumbass dreads? And why did you grow the fuckers in the first place?

A lot of the decisions that make up our identity just seem arbitrary. A lot of the time, we dress that way because everybody was dressing that way we surrounded ourselves. In fact it seems dress code is directly linked to the type of music you listen to, much of the time.

So bringing it a step further, a lot of our behavior was also arbitrary. In fact for most of us it seems like we molded our behavior around the expectations of others, primarily our parents but also our peer group. And from this standpoint, the whole idea that you should be yourself without compromising loses its value. Be what? The expectations that you decided to please before you met other people? Why not let them change you a little, too?

If I like a girl and she hikes like 10 miles a day, I'd give that a fucking shot. And maybe it's just too much for me, but I like hiking 4 miles a day so at first it'd seem like she's pushing me into a better version of what I already want to be. But maybe 4 miles is already the best version of myself I care to be and by becoming a 10 mile hiker I'd have to turn into some crazy enthusiast giving up a lot of vices that make me who I am. But why not give up those vices? Yeah, you're losing your identity, but your gaining a healthier one. Not necessarily a better one, for all I know, those extra 6 miles a day might turn me into a total dick. Maybe 4 miles is all I can handle before I start thinking my shit smells too sweet for all you lazy assholes. But I love hiking so I ought to want somebody that pushes me to do more of what I love, correct? But maybe I already push myself the perfect amount, as it is. Maybe there's a 4 miler out there and we can just hang together. Maybe it'll be another 5 years before I find her and in the mean time I should try to make it work with the 10 miler. Maybe I should say "fuck off I'll meet you at the bottom" and hang with her without pushing myself to be more like her. Maybe if I keep writing this shit I'll confuse myself and I should shut up.

I wouldn't change anything that I perceive as reasonably "good", but I'd definitely change for the better.

Originally Posted by dankoni

It seems I picked the perfect example, as it elicited such an unusual and defensive response from you. My example in no way "presumes that cheating is universally morally wrong" and who said I was even beginning to attempt to "classify adultery with theft, rape, or murder?" It was just a random example I picked that I assumed would not be too "heavy" or complicated.

I certainly don't equate adultery with rape or murder, but I believe it can be as bad, or worse, than theft.

Stopped reading. If you can't see the difference between adultery and theft, then you're a very confused person who's not worth listening to.

Originally Posted by cmind

Stopped reading. If you can't see the difference between adultery and theft, then you're a very confused person who's not worth listening to.

Wow. I really must have hit a nerve with you. It seems you have a great deal invested in rationalizing / justifying adultery. I can easily see the difference between adultery and theft, but that doesn't mean they cannot be compared in any way, shape, or form. This is coming from someone who has been robbed at gunpoint where I was forced to the ground with a pistol to the back of my head, and then stood up to have the pistol pressed into my forehead. My house was also robbed 2 years ago in a string of home burglaries where most of my wife's jewelry was stolen. So... yea. If anyone has a reason to "amp up" the severity of theft, it is me, but if you can't be bothered to read four paragraphs in order to defend your point, I guess that makes you correct. Is ignorance truly bliss? I've always wondered.

Alric and Wayfaerer - Well stated.

Original Poster - lol. Nice post =)

Personally, I've always been a chameleon when it comes to relationships. I become (to the best of my ability) what my partner desires (at their insistence).
But strange things result from such behavior. The strangest yet is that eventually the other person says something along the lines of "Who are you? I don't like who you've become. What happened to the person I fell in love with?"
Well.... ummm... you didn't like that person very much either

Sometimes the things that attracted us to begin with also annoy the crap out of us
I loved that my hubby showed emotion, but it bothers me A LOT when he cries. I just want to tell him to knock it off- to stop being such a baby.
He liked that I was emotional but now that I've grown as a person and don't cry at every mean thing he says, he thinks I'm cool and aloof.

Some change is inevitable with maturity and life experience. Some are for the better, some not so much.
But changing for the sole sake of "catching" a potential mate is rarely a good idea. After a while, the "honeymoon" period ends and people fall back into old habits and patterns.

For simple things, though, what the hell? My hubby likes me with reddish brown colored hair. I would prefer not to dye my hair, especially now that I'm getting some gray (I LOVE gray hair lol). So, I don't continuously dye my hair, but I usually will a couple times a year for him.
He also hates my choice of clothing (especially my fanny pack ), so if we're going out or there's a special occasion, I'll wear something else.
I hate that he's naturally grumbly, rude and outspoken about certain things, so if we're together, he tones down his behavior for my comfort.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

He also hates my choice of clothing (especially my fanny pack )

There's no excuse for a fanny pack

Depends what it was.

Would I change my hair color to make my partner happy? Sure, as long as it's not too drastic.
Would I wear my makeup differently? Yep.

I don't really see my outward appearance as defining. If it makes my partner happy, I would probably be willing to make adjustments to how I dress or look.
I wouldn't, however, become a different person to please my partner. If they aren't happy with my personality, why are they with me in the first place?
Then again, if it's just some bad habit I have my partner wants me to change, I would probably be willing to work on that, too. I don't think we can ever sit back and say we're perfect the way we are.
You should always be working on your "self". I would work on not being bossy, or nagging or things like that... but my partner should also be able to accept these things as a part of me and that it might not be possible for me to change.
Gotta accept the good with the bad, after all. Nobody is perfect.

I suppose I'd be willing to make any change that didn't make me feel like I was faking it. Any change that still made me feel like a genuine person.

I changed myself almost completely for my ex. I ruined my life without realizing it. (but don't worry I've almost fully redeemed myself)
I think it's alright to change yourself so long as you're not blind to what you're doing. YOU need to decide what changes you make, not the partner. You might think you've made the choice, but you haven't if you've not thought it all through.

Also, one way to notice if the decision was yours or not is if your emotions have been affected. If you feel differently than you normally do, you know you need to have a good think. And yes, love is one of those emotions, because love can be blinding, especially at first.

I've never changed for any woman I've dated, and I never will. Usually they don't want me to, either.

I suppose it depends. Trivial things sure. I wouldn't changes my views, values or morals though. If they are worth it then I'm sure there and some things I would. I really need examples though.

Well that all depends on how much they pay.

I would change myself for a partner because who you're with is just a reflection of how you felt at the time. Fear of changing could also be that one isn't really sure of what they really want out of not only the person they're with, but themselves. I think of it as just seeing the other person as a mirror to be a building tool to become more accepting of yourself (be it sexuality, religious beliefs, etc.), and that you reach the point where you're secured of those desires to where experimenting with a few demeanors and mindsets is solely just experimenting and learning.

Another thing that might hold someone back from changing is how their partner views on being respected. If one person likes to be treated in a way they know they're comfortable with that still makes the other partner question on "I'm not supposed to do this because I'm this kind of person" reason, it's usually just that same person feeling they'll be a bad person because their preset that this way or that way is how respect should be applied to everyone. Though obviously being aware of a person's wants, even if it makes you cringe a little, but is still rational enough to think over, and you satisfying them without deviating from your own wants is genuine respect.

In short, shifting towards roles to accept a person's desires (they're just roles you take part of), while still being secure on your own, changing yourself shouldn't feel like a detriment for the sake of sustaining a relationship.

Rationally speaking I wouldn't want to change my looks for my partner, change the way I dress is fine but not plastic surgery. But then again, I have never been in a relationship before so I'm not sure what kind of changes I am willing to do for my partner.

I've always treated myself as a conduit for the happiness of others, and have worked to develop this end. Do I mean I bend to the will of others? Hardly. I mean I say one thing while showing something different in the consistency in my body language and actions. Like if someone tells me that I'm tall, then I'll say "Thanks. I stretch," with a straight face, and maybe the slightest of smirks. Sometimes they'll wonder if I'm being serious or joking, and before they can figure it out I'll have moved on.

Changing myself for me, yes. Changing myself because a partner said she wanted me to do something differently, I think, would just have her lose her respect for me, even though she was the one who asked. She can join for the ride or some other woman out of the 3.5 billion can.