Thread: Sex

Sex, people. It's what this country and culture (if not the whole world at this point) adore. It is presented to us on the big screen, over the radio waves, on billboards, and in nearly every corner of the internet and our daily conversations.

And here on DV, amidst online peers and sibling-like rivals in LD-count, ponders one "sad, lonely virgin." (Thank you, Tenchi Abridged.)

I mean... I just..... why?
I know a 40+ year-old, single virgin who has found both contentedness in life and humor in this pop-culture addiction that daily tries to shove down his throat that he must have sex and sex appeal to be "the man" or to find fulfillment in life.

Why, dammit, why?!?

Is there nothing in this whole, wide world that we (the American culture) cannot sexualize? Is there any phrase that we can't reply to with "that's what she said"? Is there a single advertisement-riddled channel on the Idiot Box or a single ad-bar-laden website that WON'T try to use the appeal of an attractive girl/woman to sell me their product or service?

I'll be honest with you concerning me and sex. No, I've never been with someone in reality, but there's been more than a couple threads in the past about dream-sex being as real as sex in waking life.
So I know what this feels like in effect; I'm not some guy left out wondering what the fuss is about.

But I am! Because there is SO MUCH fuss! I mean, an obscenely excessive amount of fuss. Can't we all just shut up about it and find something a little more solid than a chemical reaction to obsess about? Can't we look at sex as an expression rather than an action? Can't we look at a beautiful woman and wonder if they're just as beautiful mentally, instead of saying "sexy bitch" and skipping straight to lust?

Can't we just NOT be fed that it's weird to be restrained in this aspect of life?

Can't they just shut up? Do we really think that we MUST be susceptible if not ruled by this mentality?

People like sexualized themes in every aspect of life because thinking about sex makes you feel good. It's as simple as that. Is there really anything so wrong with that? Part of the appeal of sexualized media is the fact that you don't have to think about it in a deep and expressive way, it's just there for the high. Just because people get really into that too doesn't mean that they don't think about sex in a more real and emotional way when they're actually with a partner, and just because someone thinks about someone else in a lustful way doesn't mean they can't also look beyond that.

Just my opinion. I'm a bliss junkie so I'm probably not the best person to ask when it comes to this subject if you're looking for someone to agree, but I personally see no problem with all of this. Not everyone gets carried away with it.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I'm a bliss junkie so I'm probably not the best person to ask when it comes to this subject if you're looking for someone to agree.

Not at all! I'm actually looking more for people like you than those I can agree with. I mean, I already know what they think!

Care to go more in-depth, though? It seems that the root of what you're saying is that sex, for you, as an act can be deep and meaningful and not related to or affected by lighthearted references that you can ignore. Right?

Originally Posted by Signet

Not at all! I'm actually looking more for people like you than those I can agree with. I mean, I already know what they think!

Care to go more in-depth, though? It seems that the root of what you're saying is that sex, for you, as an act can be deep and meaningful and not related to or affected by lighthearted references that you can ignore. Right?

Ah, well in that case.

Yes, I believe that sexuality goes much deeper than how it sometimes looks on the surface. Let me be upfront with you though; I am also a virgin. But I am in a committed relationship with lots of communication about these things and I've explored much of my sexuality. If by lighthearted references you mean the way that sex is portrayed in the media and the like, then it's all really down to perception and preference. I personally feel that the wonderful thing about sexuality is that it connects us more to our animal nature, and it disconnects us from having to worry about our unique lives we've evolved to as humans. What's important is just being able to separate those basic animal urges and human logic into their proper times. That's why I mention the fact that someone can look at someone else lustfully but still look beyond that.... These animal instincts can manifest in strange ways, but generally they follow "natural" gender roles and the kind of addictive desires that come to mind when you think about the stereotypical stuff you see in the media. Some girls want to be called a sexy bitch, or a slut, or be punished if they don't "behave", or etc.... in a sexual context. And as long as a guy (or girl, or whatever floats their boat) understands that they need to be treated with respect in a non-sexual setting, who's to say there's anything wrong with giving them what they want? This kind of thinking plays a large role in the BDSM community, it's about exploring those desires without fear so that you can get the most out of your sexuality and not feel restricted. In this way, those media references can actually play a large role in sex that is at the same time a deeper experience, depending on who's involved and how open they are. Knowing your partner well enough to understand their desires and play into them like that can create an especially powerful bond in a relationship because it increases the feeling of communication and intimacy, and of course it increases the pleasure all around.

On the other side of that, being able to understand someone well enough that you barely even know to give them a strong, pleasurable sexual experience can be seen as an accomplishment if you're someone who's just trying to get laid and not worrying about a relationship, which applies to many perfectly normal people both male and female. The chemical that plays a very large role in sexual responses in the brain is dopamine, and it does so largely (I don't think entirely, but largely) in the mesolimbic pathways. It is the same chemical in the same area that is behind feelings of confidence and motivation. Therefore, when someone is simply looking for sex as opposed to something meaningful these are the feelings that are going to arise first, and since the more dopamine is released the better the sex is (the more euphoric you are), the more confident being good at sex will make you feel. Dopamine is also involved in addictive behaviors and so people who are more open to explore their sexuality and more frequently have good sex will, in general, be the people who are more drawn to sexual themes. This takes me back to what I said about the media just going for the high.... Don't get me wrong, it is sort of ridiculous how many things are sold by means of sex, but this is basically the reason. We as a species have been slowly moving more and more toward openly exploring ourselves and so as a result people are feeling more and more drawn to sexual ideas, and that's why it's permeating our society so fully. And since the media stuff is all about the high, it focuses mainly on those animal instincts without worrying about the emotional stuff. That's why I believe there's nothing inherently wrong with it, because there's nothing wrong with those sexual ideas and concepts as long as someone understands that respect is still important when it comes to the real deal.

Interestingly, dopamine release in the mesolimbic pathway also plays a role in generation of dreams and spiritual experiences. You don't dream if that system is damaged, and I think that's a very important factor in how sex connects us to instinctive desires, just like how we act on instinct in non-lucid dreams. This has been a large area of interest for me so I've done a good bit of research on it, it's all one highly complex and interconnected program....

Sorry if that was a little bit disjointed, it's kind of hard for me to tell right now because I'm a little baked lol. I hope I answered your question well though.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Ah, well in that case.

For a second I was like "oh, crap", and then... you actually had (more of) something logical and comprehensive to contribute. Thank you for replying!
And, no, it wasn't disjointed or anything.

Continuing on (and reverting to an original point), I still have to wonder about what we all think sex is: action or expression? If sex is just an action, then why is is lauded as being the summit of life? And if it is a deep, personal expression, then why is it flaunted like it's a semi-public ritual?

Originally Posted by Signet

For a second I was like "oh, crap", and then... you actually had (more of) something logical and comprehensive to contribute. Thank you for replying!
And, no, it wasn't disjointed or anything.

Continuing on (and reverting to an original point), I still have to wonder about what we all think sex is: action or expression? If sex is just an action, then why is is lauded as being the summit of life? And if it is a deep, personal expression, then why is it flaunted like it's a semi-public ritual?

Expressions are actions. So both.

Originally Posted by BLUELINE976

Expressions are actions. So both.

Anybody going to get upset if I vehemently disagree? >_>

Originally Posted by Signet

For a second I was like "oh, crap", and then... you actually had (more of) something logical and comprehensive to contribute. Thank you for replying!
And, no, it wasn't disjointed or anything.

Continuing on (and reverting to an original point), I still have to wonder about what we all think sex is: action or expression? If sex is just an action, then why is is lauded as being the summit of life? And if it is a deep, personal expression, then why is it flaunted like it's a semi-public ritual?

You're very welcome, I'm glad you found it interesting.

Since I don't have much experience I guess I'll leave the rest of your question to others, I'm interested in what people have to say. But I will note that you have to keep in mind that not everyone will have the exact same views.... Some may think of it as an action and some as an expression, so, like before, it really all comes down to your perception.

I kind of think it has to do with how sex, aside from being viewed as something wonderful and amazing that everybody wants, is also viewed as something controversial and taboo, or at least something that should ideally not be mentioned very often. I dunno, to me it seems like it's gotten a lot better, but from what I've heard, people are still being fed that abstinence is the way to go in some places. Maybe if everyone thought of sex as just a thing that feels good, people wouldn't be so obsessed by it. You wouldn't really have any of those sad, lonely virgins because in such a scenario; why the fuck would anybody ever have a word for "virgin", and why would a person be sad from not having sex? surely that person would just have sex with someone?

I don't think sex should stop being there in things like television and adverts, it should just learn its place. Right now it's like a thing that just has to be there to sell shit, and it has to follow this specific pop-culture mentality. It should be like choosing a color from a palette, where sex is just one of the colors instead of being this wild-card crazy color. I guess it's just hard to use sex in an innocent and therefore non-provocative way when everybody thinks of sex as the diametrical opposite of innocence.

Personally I don't see why anyone should worry about being a virgin or not. You would think people are either a virgin or not but it is actually a huge gray area. If you have oral sex 35 times, and anal 15 times, does that make you a virgin because you never experienced vaginal penetration? That is kind of absurd, no one would call you a virgin but you would be. So what if someone else masturbates you, you still a virgin? Well if not, then you can lose your virginity just by masturbating by yourself. What if you are a woman and you use a dildo, so you experience vaginal penetration but you are all alone? That should count right? What if you use a dildo but are also doing phone sex with someone else? That count since now there is another person? Or what if the person is with and using a strap on, that has to count right? Or are gay people always virgins no matter how many times they have sex because they never experience penis penetration of the vagina?

There is really reason to worry about being a virgin or not. What are you really missing? If you are good at it masturbation can be better than sex, and if you are a virgin long enough you probably have the time to be really good at it.

Humans make sex too complicated.

angst_ridden_teenager.txt

Sex is an essential part of life, it belongs in the same category as food/water, the lowest and most basic tier of the needs we require in life. Of course putting it in this way don't sound exactly right since we can live without sex but we can't live without food and water. But consider reproduction as an important aspect of life, where we need to continue our species. Does that make sex slightly more important? I guess that's how we are all moulded, like how animals are born with survival instincts.

The only reasons I can come out with why someone doesn't like sex is when they are exposed too little to it and have no idea how it feels, they are asexual or sex is a taboo topic in their country.

Then again, you are the master of your desires. You control how much you want sex and crave for it. Doesn't mean you like sex so you go banging every person you are slightly attracted to in real life. If you believe that sex should only come when you are really in love with that person, then stick to your beliefs.

I think there's nothing wrong with being not sexually attracted to girls you find attractive, and being sexually attracted to girls you find attractive. It's not what we think that matters, it's what we decide to do. You don't have to take what I say to heart, really.

Written by another virgin.

I like that you used our obsessions with sex to lure us here with your brilliant thread title.

Originally Posted by Signet

I still have to wonder about what we all think sex is: action or expression? If sex is just an action, then why is is lauded as being the summit of life? And if it is a deep, personal expression, then why is it flaunted like it's a semi-public ritual?

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by 'action' and 'expression', but I'm guessing by 'action' you mean it's done because people are horny and it's fun, and by 'expression' you mean it's done to express deeper feelings like love. Please clarify if this isn't what you mean.

It can be both. If people are in committed relationships then there's probably going to be more expression than if they met a few hours ago in a bar. There has to be a certain amount of arousal of course for climaxes to even be reached, but it's not like you're disrespecting the person for feeling that toward them. Even in an extreme case that involves some level of disrespect, like if you're the dominant partner practicing bdsm. That disrespect is only an act which serves to increase arousal. You never really disrespect them as a person, and when it's over everything is equal again. I brought that up because it's an extreme example, but it applies to regular sex as well.

Then for some people the emotional attachment is what makes them aroused. And for most people I think, if you really love a person or like them a lot, arousal becomes infused in those feelings, and vice versa, so both feelings increase and imply one another.

(I do have more to say, even a little verging on agreeing with you or at least considering that point but I"m running out of time so I'll stop for now. Also wrote this whole post without my contacts in so I can't really read what I'm typing)

sex - not everything it's always cracked up to be, but sure feels good. have more of it I say.

The sex obsessed culture was most frustrating for me when I was a teenager. It felt like for me, every other teenager was looking for sex and boyfriends - and I was just looking for a best friend. When I was in college I thought by magic my feelings would change and that seeking out a sexual relationship would be priority. But my feelings didn't change as an adult- friendship still made more sense than sex. I had to consider that maybe I was asexual.

But researching asexuality was even more frustrating. Theres so much controversy on what it means. Do you enjoy sex? Do you never enjoy it? Everything seemed to be missing a fundamental aspect of my personality, I could NOT seperate sexual desire from love.

The most frustrating part about being an adult single virgin is all the bullshit personality crap that people assume about you. That you're insecure. That you lack confidence. That you're up-tight, religious, or celibate or waiting. Waiting for what? I didn't realize I could control my feelings for another. How do you explain to someone that your lack of sexual interest in another is NOT an intellectual choice?

Understanding that asexuality is not an intellectual choice helped me understand "normal" sexuality is not an intellectual choice either. No one chooses to be sexually attracted to a total stranger anymore than they choose to not be. Its just the way you are.

Boys who were upset that I crushed their dreams tried to argue against my feelings. They tried to argue that I really did feel that way about them, but I was just intellectually choosing to not act on it. Lol, no. Sometimes, you really dont feel that way and thats when this culture is most frustrating, because it tries to tell us everyone is equally horny all the damn time.

Hyper sexuality is real. There really are people who can have sex with just about anyone, a true casanova. This is there natural sexual orientation. The problem is when the capitalist culture using sex to sell tries to have us buy that everyone is like this. Its just not true. The reality is for most people sex is emotional and a way to self express. Hormones happen like clock work, but emotions change as you change as a person. The desire and importance of sex, one way or the other, can change in your life too.

If the modern sexual culture is pissing you off, you could be asexual. But more than likely, you're just wired to make love. Research tantra. That said, sex is an activity involving atleast two. If you think sex is just penetration with a toy, then I think you're gonna find a lot of couples telling you you don't get it at all. Amoebas don't have sex.

Originally Posted by juroara

The sex obsessed culture was most frustrating for me when I was a teenager. It felt like for me, every other teenager was looking for sex and boyfriends - and I was just looking for a best friend. When I was in college I thought by magic my feelings would change and that seeking out a sexual relationship would be priority. But my feelings didn't change as an adult- friendship still made more sense than sex. I had to consider that maybe I was asexual.

But researching asexuality was even more frustrating. Theres so much controversy on what it means. Do you enjoy sex? Do you never enjoy it? Everything seemed to be missing a fundamental aspect of my personality, I could NOT seperate sexual desire from love.

The most frustrating part about being an adult single virgin is all the bullshit personality crap that people assume about you. That you're insecure. That you lack confidence. That you're up-tight, religious, or celibate or waiting. Waiting for what? I didn't realize I could control my feelings for another. How do you explain to someone that your lack of sexual interest in another is NOT an intellectual choice?

Understanding that asexuality is not an intellectual choice helped me understand "normal" sexuality is not an intellectual choice either. No one chooses to be sexually attracted to a total stranger anymore than they choose to not be. Its just the way you are.

Boys who were upset that I crushed their dreams tried to argue against my feelings. They tried to argue that I really did feel that way about them, but I was just intellectually choosing to not act on it. Lol, no. Sometimes, you really dont feel that way and thats when this culture is most frustrating, because it tries to tell us everyone is equally horny all the damn time.

Hyper sexuality is real. There really are people who can have sex with just about anyone, a true casanova. This is there natural sexual orientation. The problem is when the capitalist culture using sex to sell tries to have us buy that everyone is like this. Its just not true. The reality is for most people sex is emotional and a way to self express. Hormones happen like clock work, but emotions change as you change as a person. The desire and importance of sex, one way or the other, can change in your life too.

If the modern sexual culture is pissing you off, you could be asexual. But more than likely, you're just wired to make love. Research tantra. That said, sex is an activity involving atleast two. If you think sex is just penetration with a toy, then I think you're gonna find a lot of couples telling you you don't get it at all. Amoebas don't have sex.

Off-topic: Have you considered a career in article writing/marketing?

Originally Posted by Michael

sex is built into your dna to be one of the most important things to you. it feels good... you think about it a lot... you are attracted to others.... all of us got here because of it (and other stuff)

usually the people that are against it or "don't understand" are ugly, or scared... or don't have a lot of hormones like testosterone etc.... if they were getting laid they would be all for it.

I don't believe that 40+ year old virgin guy did it by choice the entire time.

of course SOME people like monks and whatnot choose not to.

and really the americal culture hypes sex because they want us to pop out more babies. think about it...

Considering we started out as DV babes together, it's good to see that you're still sputtering around this place.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I'm a bliss junkie so I'm probably not the best person to ask when it comes to this subject if you're looking for someone to agree, but I personally see no problem with all of this.

Are you literally a junkie?

Originally Posted by Signet

Baka!

It feels good to be flying through the air, too, but I don't want to get that sensation by jumping off a cliff.
It feels good to eat a dozen doughnuts every day, but I don't find it worth weighing in at 240 pounds.
It feels good to go racing down the road at 120 miles per hour, but I'd rather not land in jail or DEAD.
It feels good to go banging every chick in sight that will let you, but I can't help but wonder if there's some catch...
All the great euphorias in life come with a catch. I strive to know what that catch is.

That's a very depressing way to look at life. Why look at the bad side of life all the time? Why seek out that bad side? You're missing the everyday pleasures when you live in a world of extremes.

The problem with your list is that everyone of your examples of euphoria has a very obvious downside. I'll list activities that give moderate to substantial feelings of euphoria that do NOT have a downside.

Regular exercise. In fact, this is GOOD for you.
Having one to two(!) alcoholic drinks. A good example would be a glass of red wine, which research shows is good for you. Obviously, binge drinking or everyday drinking is unhealthy. Having a couple drinks is not bad for you.
Eating well. It feels very good when you eat a completely balanced meal. You feel good the rest of the day, as well.
Amusement parks.
Going to a comedy club.
I could list a dozen more activities.

And finally the most substantial and gratifying activity without a downside.... ... ...sex. No, not having sex with every person in sight...and even with that, as long as you used protection going on a sex binge wouldn't be innately bad. Sex feels good. It's SUPPOSED to feel good otherwise organisms wouldn't do it. It's hardwired to be the most important activity in our lives. Obviously, for humans, this last point is debatable. However, sex, as long as you use protection, DOESN'T come with a catch. Having sex produces some of the most significant euphoria one can experience. I really hope the virgins who have demonized or gave up on sex ITT reconsider. It's not hopeless, and you really are missing out. And that's not supposed to be condescending. I hope to inspire you to keep trying.

Originally Posted by Grod

Are you literally a junkie?

Well if you're asking me if I'm addicted to getting high then yes, I am. But I never made it to the needle or anything.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Well if you're asking me if I'm addicted to getting high then yes, I am. But I never made it to the needle or anything.

Unless you're using metaphor past the point of fault, I assume you're literally talking about being addicted to opiates and the subsequent complications.

I asked because I'm a bit of a purist about the word "junkie"; the frequent dilutions of the pejorative mar the original impact of the term. I'm dependent upon opiates; but I'm far from a 'junkie'. There's a significant difference between painkiller dependence and embodying the 'junkie' cloak and behavior. Using the needle doesn't automatically give you 'junkie status', either. Not using the needle in no way absolves you from 'junkie status'. That particular set of thinking, for me, is particularly annoying.

Anyway...I've derailed the topic in the OP far enough.

On topic....the sex industry is heavily related to capitalism and even human nature. It's much to do with shaming sexless individuals into 'correct' action and congratulating those who have sex frequently. I imagine it's very disheartening for those who are not currently having sex...and not by choice.

juroara... I laud you for your answer! People who can honestly and comprehensibly state a view that ISN'T that of the masses are the people who give me hope. Thank you.

Thank you, OP.
Just to note: When I said "If the point is to reproduce", I was (somewhat sardonically) re-using what I've heard around here. (Not much, but I have.)

Ctharlhie

Think in terms of our society.

Pretty much since the roman catholics got their hands on morality, sex has been this taboo repressed thing. For centuries and centuries our most basic biological drive besides survival has been swept under the carpet by social norms. This didn't mean everyone wasn't at it anyway, it just wasn't talked about.

20th century, the sixties, consumerism, the pill, (relative) liberation of women. Suddenly you can talk about sex! And surprise, surprise, that's all that everyone wants to do. Sex becomes less and less taboo and becomes more mainstream in media.

It's like when you're a horny teenager and you first discover making out with your girlfriend, it's literally the only thing you want to do. Same with society. When our culture grows out of the 'awkward horny teenager' phase there will be a more mature attitude towards it. That's my take on it.

But don't forget, the 80's and the explosion of AIDs scared society away from the sexual liberation of the 60's. And since it was believed to be the wrath of God.....:<

And jeez, I just wanna be a slacker and browse DVs at work but I'm too paranoid because of the thread title! I mean, hr sits right behind me, lol

While I don't understand really understand the want to have sex, I can kind of see why the urge is important. Ultimately it comes down to a simple fact of biology; to procreate. I mean, without it the human race probably wouldn't have survived past the Ice Age.

Originally Posted by LightofHeaven

While I don't understand really understand the want to have sex, I can kind of see why the urge is important. Ultimately it comes down to a simple fact of biology; to procreate. I mean, without it the human race probably wouldn't have survived past the Ice Age.

"It feels good."