Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Originally Posted by OpheliaBlue

self esteem?

What's that, exactly? Not sure I've heard of it

Originally Posted by khh

What's that, exactly? Not sure I've heard of it

There was this goofy song that an elementary principal used to sing every morning on the announcements: "I get my high off of: self esteem, self esteem, self esteeeeeem" etc

My Brain: Dude, you should totally like, put off your Chemistry Homework two days before you Biology Exam! It's no problem.
Me: Okay!

*dies*

Screw it, I'll do it tomorrow! Along with my technical abstract....and my Biology Exam Prep Studying too! x.x

I've been sick since yesterday, upset stomach and headache, and so I didn't get much sleep last night. I got less sleep than I usually get, which still isn't a lot because I'm often up late doing homework or freaking out about school. I'm often tired in the morning regardless, but this morning was especially bad.

So my dad asks how I am this morning, and I say "I didn't sleep well last night". His cranky-ass reply?

"Stop eating right before you go to bed".

LOL. I've had snacks and leftovers before going to bed for at least the past three years now, so you can't attribute that to my falling-asleep difficulties. What a moron. I told him that wasn't fair and he just started going on about how "your body is digesting so you will have a harder time going to sleep..."

Shut. Up. Already.

Edit: wow, I can't believe this next thing just happened... I was in my room getting ready for school and it's just before 8:00, our time to leave the house, and my dad is already SHOUTING angrily at me to "get downstairs or I'm leaving now!" I try to hurry up but my dad is already in the car in the garage.

I put my backpack in the car and open the door quickly to get in, then I slam it because I was flustered. He glares at me and says, raising his voice, "if you want to slam my car doors you can take the bus!" and with that, kicks me out of the car. I go around the back of the car to go inside the house and I'm half-scared that he would back up into me.

I heard his car wheels go "screech" and drive away when I was inside the house! My laptop was in my backpack and so was my homework. So I'm stuck with my MW games and my iPod for today.

Puffin.

I'm probably worse when I hear my father, sometimes I just imagine myself 100 times his size and having him in the palm of my hand, and just crushing him.

:x

Originally Posted by Linkzelda41

I'm probably worse when I hear my father, sometimes I just imagine myself 100 times his size and having him in the palm of my hand, and just crushing him.

Sometimes I get the feeling I'm the only person in the world who always got along well with my father...

Originally Posted by khh

Sometimes I get the feeling I'm the only person in the world who always got along well with my father...

Consider yourself very lucky. Both my parents are hard to get along with; they divorced when I was only four because they had such issues working their problems out - my mom is hypersensitive and thinks everyone is out to get her, while my dad is critical and overanalyzes everything. He doesn't believe in any of that "emotional crap" where it's not reasonable to be upset unless you have a justified logical reason. Practically nothing does it for him. He can turn an argument on me using this baloney in an instant, and he never admits that he's wrong.

I try to debate with my mom and she says to "stop treatin her like this", that I'm "so mean" where all I'm doing is asking for something or telling her about something that I didn't feel she was fair about. I try to talk with my dad and he just tries to chuck "life lessons" at me. "When you're working, in the real world..." stuff that I already know.

It's hard growing up in two separate households, let alone with two dysfunctional parents. I find myself going between houses whenever I have a bad argument with one of them, which just pisses my dad off more.

Puffin. Sounds like a tough spot to be in with your folks- varying from one extreme to the other!

I'm ranting because I'm broke. I dislike going shopping, so I've been eating fast food since Sunday And I wasn't happy getting my usual $3.69 meal of a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger and Large Fries. No. I had to buy an almost $8. grilled chicken meal And not just for myself, but for my oldest boy as well

I also have Court with my oldest daughter today... but that's a good thing. She gets her discharge date for the facility she's at and from there she goes to her Foster Home (which she REALLY loves so far).
Bah... I just want to continue hiding in my room though. I REALLY do not want to be out and about.

Tomorrow I have to drive my son to meet up with his lawyer. I hate the other town where she's located. There's too many one-way roads and I'm prone to getting lost.
And last night I had a bunch of emotional nightmares because I fell asleep stressed. Hubby has a glass auction he wants to go to some time this or next month (can't recall). And, of course, because the kids are no longer an excuse to stay home, he wants me to go with him. Traveling ALWAYS stressed me out. Plus, my oldest boy might be going to jail and instead of worrying about his safety, I worry about who's going to take care of all the animals (as if the wheels of justice ever move that quickly)

I never lock up my house (unless I'm going to sleep or I don't want the neighborhood kids coming in). In fact, I don't even have a key for my house. I worry for nothing, because I could just have one of those kids take care of the animals. If I give them some money, they'll be more than happy to. But what about leaving the house wide open for 4 days?
Blah. I would much rather stay home, but hubby and I never see each other anymore. Heh- but we might actually have sex Maybe I can motivate myself with that thought

I want to consider skipping my Sociohorticulture class, but if I do that, there might be a quiz that I will miss.

So Far, I've been at every lecture in that class because of the random 4 quizzes that will come up, and we've taken two. We had an exam last week, so I'm wondering if she's going to be generous to us and not have a reading quiz.

And judging by the syllabus, the probability of us not having a quiz is 90%, but I don't want to take the risk of not going to the lecture, because those quizzes are basically gimme points, but so crucial to the overall grade. I'm worried about this because I can spend an hour doing finishing up my Chemistry Homework that's due around 3:25 PM online tomorrow, and hopefully finish my Chemistry Lab Technical Abstract today.

I'm also worried about my Biology Exam Tomorrow, and I haven't studied as much, but really, I don't need to study right now, it's just not worth the stress. I'll just go over the Exam 2 Prep our tutor gave us, and just go with that and the other worksheets from the Chapters we covered.

I feel like I don't need to read the book as much, I just need to review the worksheets, and I think I have a good sense of the things that the professor will cover. But even though I'm not trying to worry too much, I have to because I did horrible on my First exam, and I just have the feeling that I'm going to do just as worse on the second one tomorrow.

I know I shouldn't be doing this to myself, worrying over nothing, but it's that fear that forces me to do well, and I find out how good I really am when I actually forget all obstacles and just stick with a goal to finish something. But it's not as worth it for me in college because everything is accumulative. Even though I have a low GPA, I know I'm going to get it back up because I'm feeling more positive whenever I wake up.

I don't feel tired at all or at least not as tired because I have goals of meeting friends of mine in my dreams, I feel much more relaxed, but I know that I have to be serious in my studies, so that I can sleep and look forward to my shared dreaming attempts with Alyzarin and Kaomea.

I know I can manage this type of lifestyle, I know I can manage the bullshit of waking life and just get assignments done early so I don't have to panic and cram shit, but something is holding me back. And It's not me being addicted to Dream Views, because I know when to stop coming here and just finish things quickly and efficiently. I know I have the competence because my abstract stream of consciousness is a little more aware of people around me without me even thinking. If I were to have an essay to do for instance, it barely takes any effort for me to express my thoughts and what I think about the matter, which helps a lot without brainstorming too much like most people do.

I also find that I make side comments to others around me, especially when I went to the Biology Exam 2 Review session yesterday. When a person tried to answer a question, and got it wrong, in my mind, I'm thinking "You idiot." but I know that I didn't even know the answer as well lol.

And the same thing happened with me when I tried to answer a question on the review, and the tutor thought I said the right answer, but it looked like he was eager for someone to get it right anyway lol, but I kept quiet because he gave us the answer anyway.

I feel so contradicting of myself and others, but it's not becoming a problem for me, I guess it's natural and I just let the feelings fade away when I have to go do something else. And the girl who likes me in my Biology lab, I just happened to meet her in the same room the tutor was helping with the review to everyone. I just can't bear looking at her without feeling some kind of warmth inside of her.

She's still so nice to me after her assumptions that I was annoyed by her, and I feel horrible because I was content with her, but I guess that was just me being at zen with myself throughout the whole day yesterday. But I don't really find a liking towards her, because she's doesn't seem to be that interesting, or maybe that's because I'm falling for the facades that people portray to cover their true personality.

But I do find her releasing bursts of who she really is, but still, I can't really deal with that. And I find it ironic that I'm concerned about not being able to deal with that when I'm trying to find two women in my dreams, LOL, but going after them is more fun then hanging around and having an easy conversation with the girl who likes me in waking life.

The reason why I'm afraid of knowing her better and possibly liking her more is because I have thoughts of me making her cry and just feel like a worthless person who wasted her time trying to confess her liking me. It's not that I want to think these things, but it's just with all these presets of possible outcomes, I just can't find myself to become saturated with the poison of loving someone. I just can't bear wasting time with her because it just feels so limited, it isn't as amazing as it is when doing something with your friend in the dreaming world.

I'm not saying that I'm a victim of the escapism in dreaming, I know how to not become to insane and dependent on it, it's just that I know that when I do want a relationship during college, I know that it will be short, so what would be the point if I have to someone to be thoughtful of in waking life when by the time my Junior year comes in college, and it's coming fast for some reason because this semester has a freshmen feels like it's going to be over quickly. And I know shit is going to get serious when I finally get some Genetic courses and Biochemistry courses in my scheduling.

And I know I can't bullshit around when that happens, because it is my future on the line. I think of myself as being spoiled taking advantage of the FAFSA, unsubsidized loans, etc. because not many people have this advantage. I feel like I had the free ticket to success, but it's because I never paid attention to how hard I worked to get to this point. I just can't admit that I worked hard, I keep thinking I'm a lazy ass, but I know I work hard, I know I have the mentality to get shit done and over with so that I can enjoy things like shared dreaming.

What the fuck is holding me back? What the hell is it that keeps me from getting assignments done? I know that once I do them, they're easy as fuck! College is so easy!! It's not to brag, but because when I think about other people who graduated from college, all it takes is time and dedication, and a persistent mentality. People assume college is hard because of their incompetent friends whining about how much they had to study for an exam, when they couldn't have possibly studied that much in a week without doing some bullshit process in learning the material.

I feel more positive now, my mind is clear throughout the day, the people I meet, I don't judge them anymore, I don't seek approval because I know it's better to seek approval in myself, and only myself, and to only make my life better, and only share it with a few people that I know, and ONLY a few.

I start to realize that seeking approval from many people is unnecessary, especially with billions of people here already. I'm starting to realize that those I seeked approval from in waking life in the past were merely vessels in temporary filling that void of depression, sadness, and other forms of negative energy.

I now know that they are only used for me to temporarily fill it, and only for that purpose. I feel myself finding ways to fill that void on my own, without others, and I feel better about myself. Of course, I'm not too oblivious from social interaction, I do need some of that every once in a while, but I constantly try to imagine myself in the future, and all of these things I have to go through are not big of a deal.

As long as I'm not dead by the time I get my degree, I can't possibly see myself worrying about these smaller obstacles that I have to face in the present. I don't see any need to stress myself out over these types of things because as long as I keep a positive attitude, and just believe in my competence in learning things quickly if I'm passionate and motivated by it, I will do well.

But I don't want to be so optimistic without learning how to sacrifice a few things as well. But I'm starting to think that sacrificing certain urges to achieve a greater good doesn't have to be the bridge in doing well. I'm starting to believe that I can live a positive life when I can control both my waking mind and dreaming mind.

And because Alyzarin PMd me an interesting concept, I'm starting to shift towards this new mentality of conquering both my dreaming mind and waking mind. I'm already observant with my waking mind, I know I think way more than those around me in waking life, I know I can present these ideas quickly and at a longer and more precise syntax than these people, but I constantly have them repressed because I try to not get ahead of myself and become cocky. I want to be humble, but I also want to be able to act out what I can do, I know I can do greater things, I know I can do amazing things because I've been gradually caring less and less about the opinions of others.

Their words do not matter so much to me anymore, they don't have that big of a stain towards my ego anymore, maybe it's because I'm shifting in controlling my dreaming mind and waking mind at will, I find myself feeling at zen practicing my recall as much I can daily, and trying to meet Alyzarin and Kaomea. I love being able to meet other people in the dreaming plane and beyond, because I know I can maintain sanity in this world and sanity in the dreaming world.

But why...why am I still fearful? Is it because my superego will feel that there is no need to repress what my id desires? Is it afraid that it isn't important anymore in preventing me from experiencing traumatic things in my dreams?

Because lately, as much as the potential for experiencing some deep and horrible shit dreams can give you, I'm not really afraid of that potential anymore, I welcome it, but not as a happy care bear hug, but just accepting it for being there because it's a part of me.

Is it wrong to not be disgusted with perverted acts that might make the average joe who doesn't know about dreaming crazy? Am I really this crazy to not have any fear, or little fear at the good and bad of dreaming itself?

I know I have the right mindset going with this shared dreaming thing, even though I may start to become a bit too romantic and perverted about it, but I feel like there's this fear like a part of my mind feels like it's not having it's place as a protector for me anymore. I don't know... :/

Well, I better go to the Sociohorticulture class anyway, and hopefully finish all my assignments and still prepare for my exam for Biology tomorrow.

And about that, when I worry about exams, I know that once I get them over with, I can motivate myself to do well on the next one instead of lingering on whether or not I'll do well on it, but I still panic, but I guess that's a part of my mind trying to keep me from taking things for granted.

/rant over.

the very fact that you even wrote that much pisses me off, link. jesus christ, man.

lol, GreenHavoc
Let the man have his rant though Link

I just spent 34 minutes talking with my step-mother. 10 minutes is more than enough. I run out of things to say after 5

I ranting at a pimple or boil or something that's been on the back of my head, under my hair, near my neck. It's been there for several days.
I also need to get off the computer and get my make-up on for Court which is going to take all of 30 minutes if that (if it's on time that is).

Originally Posted by Linkzelda41

Book

That's a hell of a long post. How the heck do you write all that?

Originally Posted by greenhavoc

the very fact that you even wrote that much pisses me off, link. jesus christ, man.

Originally Posted by dave1701

That's a hell of a long post. How the heck do you write all that?

I'm observant of people around me and myself.

It didn't take that long to vent.

Try looking at my Dream journal, you might get your eyes dripping blood.

It's a product of being forced to think of many things in a limited amount of time. Sowwy

I'm just impressed you can write so much quickly. It would take me half a day to compose what you do in a single post!

I'm ranting because I'm "exhausted". Granted, I have NO reason to feel so run down except for the Clonazepam I took this morning in anticipation of Court and dealing with people. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for the rest of the day. I know it's counter productive, but I took a caffeine pill at the same time. Caffeine does nothing for me anymore. I've abused it for way too many years.

Court went very well. Destinee almost had a meltdown though when it looked like she would have to return to Court on the 16 of next month. They were able to push it to the 20th of this month- which is now officially her discharge date.
They prolonged it til then because they want her to have 2 more visits with the Foster Family and then return to review how it went.

I took care of all my phone calls this morning. My youngest still can't have an off-campus visit which is going to tick her off severely. And my boy is at a shelter some 3-4 hours away. I still don't have a phone number to call him, but the case worker is supposed to call and give it to me (like she should have when she first moved him).

I asked my hubby if I REALLY need a follow-up visit after my surgery and he said yes So I even called and set that up. Thankfully, he has an office in my town. It's not until the 19th

I've dealt with way to many people for one day. I think I will take a nap...

Originally Posted by dave1701

That's a hell of a long post. How the heck do you write all that?

rofl Dave, I couldn't read it

I'm still waiting for some of you novelists to use bold colorful words for highlight effect.

That's why I can read Zhaylin's. Course her posts aren't usually epic novels.

Originally Posted by OpheliaBlue

rofl Dave, I couldn't read it

I'm still waiting for some of you novelists to use bold colorful words for highlight effect.

That's why I can read Zhaylin's. Course her posts aren't usually epic novels.

Originally Posted by Linkzelda41

wait.. am I the black guy or are you the black guy?

I think I'm the black guy.

The gif was supposed to be utilized as an expression of me saying:

"Just...just...nevermind, I'll just sit behind here while the other guy pats my shoulder to give me some modicum of solace."

I love you people. You always make me smile.

I speed-read through those long rants. It helps. If I see something super-compelling I'll slow down a minute.

I could write like that...but I figure no one would want to read it all, and I doubt most people want to hear everything on my mind.

I wish, just once, that I would be in the middle of a group of people and we would all break out into song for some random reason. Somehow, it seems like that would be cool, just once.

So.... I managed to slid through an intersection and smack the living shit out of a vehicle... I feel like such a jackass, unfortunately, I couldn't have done anything. The road is literally solid ice because of a water main break yesterday. Man, I slid through the intersection, and turned AWAY from the van that was coming and clipped her rear end. Ripped the bumper off. My car is of course, almost freaking fine... AGAIN. But still.... man, this is a shitty feeling. -.- Also, I have NOOOO idea what to do for for insurance and shit.

Originally Posted by melanieb

I wish, just once, that I would be in the middle of a group of people and we would all break out into song for some random reason. Somehow, it seems like that would be cool, just once.

My friend and I used to talk about how we wish that would happen during ninth grade lunch. We were at an angle where we could see the rest of the cafeteria spread out before us like a stage, so it would've been pretty great lol.

Originally Posted by melanieb

I love you people. You always make me smile.

I speed-read through those long rants. It helps. If I see something super-compelling I'll slow down a minute.

I could write like that...but I figure no one would want to read it all, and I doubt most people want to hear everything on my mind.

I wish, just once, that I would be in the middle of a group of people and we would all break out into song for some random reason. Somehow, it seems like that would be cool, just once.

This is why I post super long rants occasionally, it's just for self-reflection mostly, I don't really need much help anyway, just need to clear my thoughts out lol.

As long as no one is hurt...

Since ice was involved, fault is hard to pin down, though technically your insurance company might have to pay for damages.

With luck it won't involve framework to their vehicle.

ALways exchange info, regardless of whether the cops were called. It's always best to get a police report, even if you file one with an officer after the fact, but it's more credible at the time of the accident. It's a PITA to wait for a cop to show up.

Now you have a new life experience. Yay!

Originally Posted by Linkzelda41

This is why I post super long rants occasionally, it's just for self-reflection mostly, I don't really need much help anyway, just need to clear my thoughts out lol.

I totally agree. What else is ranting for but to release those thoughts? Sort of a mental purge, if you will.