Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

I made up my mind, i am filing for divorce. He told me something that was so wrong and i didn't expect it to come out that way.

Since so many people are on this roll talking about ex's.... my ex boyfriend e-mailed me for the first time in 4 months. He sends me e-mails exactly twice a year: once near each of our birthdays (this is the first time in 2 years it hasn't actually been on a birthday). It's getting fucking ridiculous. This one was pretty long compared to his usual cryptic one-liners. But this one didn't lack an attempt at cryptic poetry, which was so obviously attention seeking it ended up just looking kind of stupid. I can't believe I used to think that obvious attention seeking was so deep and beautiful. I don't even feel guilty anymore about it, just irritated.

Just like every other e-mail he's sent me over the last three years or so since we broke up, he spent the whole time making sure I knew how depressed he still is. He was still cryptic, like mentioning some vague reference to something happening to his dad, but not explaining what it was. Am I supposed to wonder and care? We used to have this drinking 'pact' which we came up with when we were 14, when we decided to only drink together. That was one of the reasons I ended up leaving him. Well not the fact that I couldn't drink, but the fact that he wouldn't let me. I mean a pact is fine if we both agree to it, and continue to agree to it. But I didn't want it anymore, yet he kept enforcing it and acting like I'd ripped his heart out, crying and everything if I ever even so much as hinted I didn't want the pact anymore. This went on until the end, until I was 21 I didn't drink without him... which caused a lot of problems. I'm not gonna go into this any more, as it would take a long time to explain how insane he was. I'll just say there was a lot more than that. He was controlling in many subtle ways, either just ridiculously emotionally unstable or unconsciously a master manipulator.

Anyway, in this e-mail he told me that he still hasn't drunk any alcohol since I was last there. He still has a half-empty case of beer from the last time I visited him about 4 years ago. And he still has a knocked-over thermos on his table that I left there...... I admit that, even though I knew how fucking crazy he was, when I read that I got kind of creeped out. He also mentioned that he never even read my last e-mail to him from months ago. Knowing that, I'm not going to be writing anything to him anymore.

I honestly don't really care about him anymore. But I still wish he would get better, forget about me. I really thought he'd have improved by now but he hasn't. He's so depressed and doesn't think he could ever love anyone again. He has no desire to even try. I kind of wish he would meet someone, even a friend. I've even thought about asking that someone on this or another forum to e-mail him and talk to him. Because I'm sure he hasn't had anyone to talk to about any of it. Though, I'm sure that even if someone agreed to do that he'd just know I sent them and refuse to reply and instead send me some long e-mail about what a horrible person I am for sharing his personal information with someone else.

Here's something to really gripe about.......62.700 members and only 13 of us online... It's lonesome out here

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Since so many people are on this roll talking about ex's.... my ex boyfriend e-mailed me for the first time in 4 months. He sends me e-mails exactly twice a year: once near each of our birthdays (this is the first time in 2 years it hasn't actually been on a birthday). It's getting fucking ridiculous. This one was pretty long compared to his usual cryptic one-liners. But this one didn't lack an attempt at cryptic poetry, which was so obviously attention seeking it ended up just looking kind of stupid. I can't believe I used to think that obvious attention seeking was so deep and beautiful. I don't even feel guilty anymore about it, just irritated.

Just like every other e-mail he's sent me over the last three years or so since we broke up, he spent the whole time making sure I knew how depressed he still is. He was still cryptic, like mentioning some vague reference to something happening to his dad, but not explaining what it was. Am I supposed to wonder and care? We used to have this drinking 'pact' which we came up with when we were 14, when we decided to only drink together. That was one of the reasons I ended up leaving him. Well not the fact that I couldn't drink, but the fact that he wouldn't let me. I mean a pact is fine if we both agree to it, and continue to agree to it. But I didn't want it anymore, yet he kept enforcing it and acting like I'd ripped his heart out, crying and everything if I ever even so much as hinted I didn't want the pact anymore. This went on until the end, until I was 21 I didn't drink without him... which caused a lot of problems. I'm not gonna go into this any more, as it would take a long time to explain how insane he was. I'll just say there was a lot more than that. He was controlling in many subtle ways, either just ridiculously emotionally unstable or unconsciously a master manipulator.

Anyway, in this e-mail he told me that he still hasn't drunk any alcohol since I was last there. He still has a half-empty case of beer from the last time I visited him about 4 years ago. And he still has a knocked-over thermos on his table that I left there...... I admit that, even though I knew how fucking crazy he was, when I read that I got kind of creeped out. He also mentioned that he never even read my last e-mail to him from months ago. Knowing that, I'm not going to be writing anything to him anymore.

I honestly don't really care about him anymore. But I still wish he would get better, forget about me. I really thought he'd have improved by now but he hasn't. He's so depressed and doesn't think he could ever love anyone again. He has no desire to even try. I kind of wish he would meet someone, even a friend. I've even thought about asking that someone on this or another forum to e-mail him and talk to him. Because I'm sure he hasn't had anyone to talk to about any of it. Though, I'm sure that even if someone agreed to do that he'd just know I sent them and refuse to reply and instead send me some long e-mail about what a horrible person I am for sharing his personal information with someone else.

I'm afraid this is my future if i don't divorce asap, being seperated means only to be apart for sometime and come back again which i don't want.

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

Clearly you're just going by conjecture her....

Heh.... yeah I have thought about that situation, dw. I mean.... I don't think she's looking for a sugar daddy type thing if that's what you mean.
But I have thought about the fact I would maybe have to support a kid too.
However.... it's all hypothetical, for all I know she's still married. So I'm not getting too ahead of myself, but I have thought about it lol

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

But again, like the other situations you got into, you had to make the execution into talking with those females rather than making blueprints and what ifs with us in this thread all the time. Either way, I hope things go well for you, and if anything happens, I guess you have us to throw ideas with and formulate contingency plans, since that's what we've been doing for quite some time lol.

Hehe, yep you're right. I just have to wait and obviously catch up with her lol As you said, the other times I spent ages on things which turned out to not even matter.
But yeah, some things did help and was good advice, but I need to be more level headed this time and stick to the present rather than go in to what ifs too much.
I'm glad you're here to offer some support, Link So much appreciated

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

But dude tommo, you're a freaking chick magnet though, I guess those times where you felt women didn't feel interested with you is because they were too shy to give feedback to you. Especially that older female I remember you mentioned that wanted to do the fadkjsfkdsjafkdfj ksdaffdsajfk with you.

haha, I wonder.... although I did use to talk a lot less, and I think the girls who I noticed maybe liked me got bored after a while.
Actually I added that older woman on fb as well and she just said something that pissed me off after I made a joke, so I deleted her, fuck that bitch.

Spoiler for ...:

Originally Posted by Dianeva

By 'proper experience' I mean you haven't been in a committed, long-term relationship before. I may be wrong, but if I remember correctly and if this is the same ex I'm thinking of, you were only with her for a few weeks. If it's someone else, or I'm remembering the time-span incorrectly, then I'm just going to look like an idiot here. But if it was really only a couple weeks, then there's no way you could have loved one another. I'm not going to talk much about love because that's a word that's hard to define. But I think you've really experienced something closer to infatuation every time you think you've loved someone romantically.

Damn, I didn't even realise this was you until I quoted the post lol Damn avatars....

Honestly, I appreciate your post, but.... well same thing that happened with my post about procrastinating etc. I've started to think about this a lot more in the last year or two. So I really already know what you're saying, now. I could've used this advice a few years ago though

But yeah, it wasn't a few weeks, more like a few months, maybe 4 months, but there was no clear line, so it's not exactly precise.
But you're right, I have felt infatuation more than love, and mistaken the two quite often. And it's pretty hard to tell the difference sometimes (as this work girl has shown me all too well), but as you say below, love, I think, is when you still are infatuated with someone even after you know all their "habits and moods" etc. and who they really are.
So yeah, I do know the difference, and that's why I'm not going in guns blazing trying to get her back.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Ignoring definitions, the point I'm trying to make is that you may disappoint each other, and unless you're prepared for that it's going to be really harsh if it happens. Even assuming she isn't with anybody, and misses you as much as you miss her, and wants desperately to be with you again, unless you're extremely lucky, it probably won't work out. You couldn't possibly have gotten to know each other enough to decide you're compatible for life yet. Even if you were somehow great at communicating and learned a lot about one another, you couldn't have gotten accustomed to one another's habits and moods that quickly. You may have known her well during those few weeks, but people change gradually. To get an accurate picture of what a person is really like, you kinda need to be with them for months or even years until you can tell who they actually are despite their circumstances. Plus, you've been apart for so long you both may have changed. She may not be the same person you remember anymore, even if you were truly perfect for one another back then.

You're right in general. However, she does seem pretty much the same, from talking to her. You might be right still, but.... well I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
As I said I'm not just going to rush in to it head first. I'm going to be friends with her first, and maybe something will eventually happen, or maybe I'll realise she's not right for me or she won't love me anymore or maybe even she's still married.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

The memory of how great it all was has probably be warped with time, and you hold her up as this one girl who was perfect but you let slip away or something. And your years of not finding anyone else has probably further convinced you that she was perfect for you.

This, I disagree with. I haven't done that at all. I've been honest about the memories I have with her. They were all amazing. There was one time where she said a weird thing, just a minor thing which doesn't matter, but I still recognise it as something which wasn't perfect, so I'm being honest about it.
I also have found someone else, of course it's a bit of a weird situation, but the point is the girl from work still loves me, and I said multiple times I don't even really love her and I would rather my ex. Even in the middle of all that at it's height, I said I love my ex more.
So yeah, I mean obviously I haven't been with anyone, but I could have, and still my feelings didn't change for my ex.
I think that's a point in a positive direction. I don't think it's infatuation, and I'm pretty sure I can tell the difference now.
Hell, even just before, that girl said I make her not want to get married (arranged marriage thing she'll prob have to do, so basically saying she wants to go against her culture for me), and I was just like.... yeah ok, whatever.... I'm not interested anymore, I realise it was only infatuation now.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

One thing that makes me sure you couldn't have had much of a relationship, besides everything I've mentioned, is the fact that you just drifted apart and stopped hanging out without a planned break up. That type of thing just doesn't happen between people who are actually in love or have an even somewhat serious relationship. Of course I think it's a good idea to go out with her if you got along well before because there could be something there.

We didn't drift apart either. It was entirely my fault, I'm not going to go in to that now, I've said it before, but in short, it was mostly my fucked up mind, I was way too screwed up to be with anyone at that point. I had no idea what a proper relationship was like, etc. etc. etc. etc.

Spoiler for In summary....:

So yeah, anyway, I do appreciate your post, you've got some assumptions wrong, but it is good to be reminded about some of the things you wrote, and you did help me solidify some things in my mind as I was replying, so thanks
I guess even after a couple of years, you could find out you don't even love the person, or they could find out they don't, so who knows? I'm just gonna see how it all goes at this point.
All I know for a fact right now, is that I love her right now.

Okay, thanks for the response, at least I won't be thinking that anymore. Sorry for assumptions, it did seem like it was true, maybe because I haven't heard you talk about it for a couple years. And I hate when other people change their avatars but I was getting too sick of mine.

I don't know about love being permanent infatuation, since that beginning lust feeling inevitably dies down... but it's almost impossible to talk about it because I don't know what other people's definitions are, and they're so subjective they'd be had to explain. (I just woke up and don't feel this is adequate... but I can't procrastinate on this response or I'll never respond)

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

:Karloky: Exhaustion is the reason I live on caffeine pills-2 to 6 depending on the day. I usually average 2-3.
Make sure you're eating right, getting exercise (my downfall) and you're otherwise healthy.

I've been thinking you're a girl all this time and was about to say you're period could make you crave sweets. But I guess you don't have THAT to worry about at least
I tend to eat according to my cravings (and my body's ability to process the food I crave- I crave milk sometimes, but I'm lactose sensitive, so I take calcium pills instead).
If you're unusually fatigued, eat some leafy greens, red meat or add an iron pill to your diet.

Suena, Grats on deleting FB!!!! It's a major time suck for me but only for the games. I have 100's of "friends" I don't know IRL. They were just added for games. I very rarely ever use FB for anything else. I'm not playing Farmville again because I'm sick of the loading problems, so that helps greatly reduce the time I spend on it. Now I just check on my Smurfs (once every hour or so for less than 10 minutes and Township usually once a day for about 30).

Good luck with the flute!! I've always wanted to learn to play. My step-daughter took classes when she was young and I picked hers up and could play a lot of (simple) songs by ear. It's a beautiful instrument.

My rant is that I think I'm hitting another depressive phase. I'm hungry, but I can't be bothered to make my broccoli mac and cheese. I also have snack foods but I can't be bothered with them either (I did make myself eat a Nutty bar and Slim Jim for lunch though).
I also took a benadryl about an hour ago because I HAVE to go to sleep tonight. Boys have GED classes and hubby wants to drive up to check on the "Farm". Some of his patients from out that way asked him if we're living out there again because they've seen a lot of coming and going. Someone already stole all of the lightning rods. He's mostly worried about the barn because it's made of Wormy Chestnut, which I guess is expensive. So I have a full day tomorrow.

I crocheted a plarn basket earlier and now I'm trying to teach myself granny squares (one of the most basic patterns there is, but I can't fully grasp it ). Maybe I truly should just stick with blankets lol.

if I was a female my profile wouldn't say otherwise would it lol

Originally Posted by Karloky

if I was a female my profile wouldn't say otherwise would it lol

Around here you can't really take that for granted.

Yeah I tend to make assumptions on how I "hear" a persons name. I never considered yours could be Karl Oky I heard your name as "kar-lock-ee" which seems feminine to me
(Sorry if that's really your name and I'm truly putting my foot in my mouth!!!)
I rarely read a persons profile. I don't know why but it seems stalkerish to me

Hathor and Dianeva.
I've always gone for somewhat controlling men (father figures who can protect and provide for me and my family). I admire your abilities to see clearly and break away.

No real gripes for me other than I took too long a nap and wont be able to sleep tonight

Double post

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Yeah I tend to make assumptions on how I "hear" a persons name. I never considered yours could be Karl Oky I heard your name as "kar-lock-ee" which seems feminine to me
(Sorry if that's really your name and I'm truly putting my foot in my mouth!!!)
I rarely read a persons profile. I don't know why but it seems stalkerish to me

Hathor and Dianeva.
I've always gone for somewhat controlling men (father figures who can protect and provide for me and my family). I admire your abilities to see clearly and break away.

No real gripes for me other than I took too long a nap and wont be able to sleep tonight

Anyway my name is Karlo lol and it's not actually quite an English name lol because I am from Croatia and we here have slavic languages which is sooo different....we have noun cases....we have idk what else lol many different things lol

I am so tired.... my back hurts a lot and I am so exhausted... well I excuse for always whining for the same thing but I am really so much exhausted today while I was going home in a bus I almost fell how tired I feel.... I just jumped into a bed when I got home and I can't move lol I am so tired and exhausted hope there is sometime I will get a sleep

PMS...

need I say more?

My mom has gone psychotic over an empty antique cigar box that had been on top of a cabinet, that was moved, and not returned right away by my dad. Somehow this escalated and now she has threatened with police and womens help line about her rights being violated, and she is not letting him return home until the house sells apparently.

This fukken sucks, I want out of this shithole. She was fake crying on the phone to make a good impression to law enforcement.

My dad hasn't been able to work and therefore hasn't been able to afford leverage with owning the house until it sells in 2 weeks (then it'll be nobody's), because his parents are both medically ill and his family has been under crisis for a year now from various things. My mom is a going full Nazi on my poor dad. Absolutely no sympathy or respect in any way shape or form, though he continually treats her respectably. Really unfair, and I am supposed to move in with my mom but I have changed my mind (however probably not right away. I need to be able to afford moving out first...)

You know when you get too drunk and send those ridiculously embarrassing messages to the girl you have a crush on? Well fuck. I think I'll just have to pretend it never happened. Maybe she'll do the same.

Thanks for the info Karlo I hope you get energized soon. Fatigue sucks Hope your aches and pains vanish quickly.

Suena.

Spenner. What a nightmare!!! So sorry you have to endure all of that

Khh. Maybe it will end well

I purposely cut my super itchy finger earlier. I've abstained from further torturing it for a couple of months now because I kept thinking I might actually show it to a doctor. But I'm not seeing a doctor for an insanely itchy finger It's been afflicting me for years now. Just one spot. Cutting it with my x-acto blade offers temporary relief. Don't know why, but it does. There's never any rash. I end up getting bumps and those peel, but I think those are just a sort of blister from scratching it on everything (like the edge of my desk lol). It just turns red and itches me to death.
What's interesting to me is that the cuts didn't bleed. My x-acto is sharp but it isn't THAT sharp. The skin pulls back to reveal what should be bloody, but it's not. I never cut very deeply. Don't have to to get rid of the itch. But it usually bleeds a little bit. Which indicates a callous or something. The skin must be thicker there but it doesn't look like it.

And laying down to sleep has been annoying me a little lately. I tend to lay on my left side now-a-days and my pulse just POUNDS. I don't notice the pulse in my chest when I lay on my right side. Sometimes my pulse is comforting. It helps lull me to sleep. But it's been sort of fluttering and racing recently which is distracting. I feel like I already wrote this at some point lol I probably have. I tend to repeat myself a lot in my "old age"

Hubby and I didn't go to the Farm on Thursday. He blood pressure wasn't up for it. We're supposed to try again for tomorrow morning, but it's supposed to storm so we might put it off.

Other than that, life is same 'ole same 'ole. The kittens are crapping on the floor instead of their litter box which is annoying everyone to no end. They're about to become exclusively outside cats.

Oh, a rave is that I finished my "People of the Longhouse" book! Woot! It only took me a couple of weeks to read (unlike the last book which took me over a year lol). Sitting outside the GED office for 4 hours twice a week has been a great bonus for my brain
Now I'm reading "Raising Abel", by the same authors, because the next longhouse book (series) wasn't available at the Library.
I also got "Duma Key" on CD. Both are really good!

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Hathor and Dianeva.
I've always gone for somewhat controlling men (father figures who can protect and provide for me and my family). I admire your abilities to see clearly and break away.

Well, this guy is kind of controlling, but he has some issues he needs to fix while i end this relationship, he will probably think oh she's going to come back like all the other girls he had and probably have bad karma back to me for what i did to him.
Well, first of all i am doing him a favor! I stop short any relationship that won't work or clearly isn't making me happy, i told him of my past relationships and that i will leave asap once it's not going well. He is the type that says "The guys you had were only using you for sex." and he thinks he isn't? HE is using me for 2 things, sex and becoming legal here to get away from where he's from, i know i'm not stupid, i been seeing change from him ever since day 1 he moved here. So he's the type to make himself look like the good guy when he really isn't.
He has the nerve to say that i will make him suffer when he's gone and cry everyday for our daughter, when really he likes to emotional abuse me in any way. I don't really care if he suffers, to be honest i don't think he will suffer, that is just another big lie so i can accept him back or still be with him. I suffered enough with him and i am not suffering another 3-20yrs with him that will end horribly.

I know i will not find a job in 2 months, what makes him think when i am still sending resumes in the past 2 months, will i ever have a job when i still don't? He's forcing me to get a job, while he sits there telling me he doesn't want a job and start all over again and get back on his feet while he's back home...what does that tell you? It tells you that there IS NO FUCKING JOBS! Yet he's here telling me that i can and it's easier in my country to get one, no honey it's the same as USA, we are just 100x worse in the job economy!

He is trying so hard for something that will be impossible to do, if i can't find a job i can't support him to stay here any longer, so if he thinks he can go back and maybe work and wait until i get a job so he can quit and come back? He's just making things worse, and i don't want to hear his whine AGAIN, he whined all day at our child's birthday, he did it so much and all i felt was very very bad energy from him that got me sick to my stomach, my stomach was hurting because of all of his negative vibes coming at me, and i tell you i don't joke around when i feel those things i have a very good gift and i can tell when something isn't going to work.

Who knows, if i let him come back he might go nuts and do something to us like how it's happening in the news about broken families. I am always a step ahead in things, i prevent bad things from happening because God knows i dealt with an ex before that went nuts for no reason. So i am protecting me and my daughter, she even knows when we fight, she comes to us and say shut up! She is smart like me and she doesn't like him, she has fun with him yes but she doesn't like his ways and is knowing that i am better than him.
Really, i just want to play it off that i will accept him back and look for jobs, when really i won't accept him back, while he leaves i will wait 2 months until i will say what's going on. 2 can play that game, and he can't play with me.
I told him that i have the gift, of reading minds, feeling energies and dream messages, yet he don't believe me, and has the nerve to say he has the gift of reading minds and knowing what will happen, when clearly he doesn't know what is going through my mind now.
He jokes about divorce, when really the jokes on him pretty soon.

Ok. So this is probably kind of pathetic to even post about, but it's the end of day 2 of no facebook, and it feels amazing. I bet it will feel even better. For someone like me, who has enough on her plate already, I don't need to see everything that is going on in everyone else's lives, aside from this thread. I guess it's because in a way, I know you guys better than the people I'm around in real life. Isn't that weird? But it's true. We post our true feelings to strangers, but we mask them with awkwardness when we're around real people (obviously, this applies to some of us, not all of us).

Anyway. It has only been two days, and I don't feel like I'm missing anything. I haven't grabbed my phone and automatically searched for the facebook app. I don't even know where my phone is at the moment, lol. It's fucking nice.

I understand that facebook and other social medias are a wonderful way to connect to people, but it definitely wasn't for me. And I'm happy that I made that decision and went through with it. I know I may sound pathetic, like it's some kind of life decision, but really it was in a small way. It was a small step in establishing myself from other people. It was a small step in stopping comparing myself to other people. And that is definitely great for my soul.

It still leaves me with many other issues to solve, but I know I will get through them. One step at a time, right?

P.S.

I'm sorry I don't respond to many of you. I really should. I read all your responses and I read a good majority of the posts and I know this is a general shout out, but I really wish you all the best with your ordeals. Thanks for the responses I receive. I wish I could get back into the lucid dreaming portion of this forum, but it will be at least a few more months before I can focus on my dream life again. (my dreams have been CRAZY though, plane crash last night, we all died, but were ghosts! awesome!). I know I will get through this chaotic crazy life.

I can't sleep without my gf beside me. God, im weak.

Instant rage... but a quieter variety which is strange.
I called my sister last night for an update on MY daughter. I got her voice mail so all I said was "I'm not calling to talk to Zee, just for an update on how she's doing. Call me back or send me a facebook message."

My sister FB-ed me and said 'Sorry but I can't devulge any personal information. Maybe you could call her case worker or attorney.'

My parental rights have NOT been stripped away. I'm still her mother and I only want to know HOW she's doing, friggin witch.

BUT, she was civil. I'm raging, but it's (like I said) a more quiet, kind of sad rage.
My reply was short and border-line rude (for me ) "Okie-doke. [Case worker] said I could call her anytime."

I KNOW the texts didn't come from my phone. That tells me, the texts are coming from my sister or her family (personal info only family knows, a changed cellphone # which **I** did not even have).
Or, as I stated before, they were sent from my daughter herself. But either way. How about, my sister learning just a smidgen of kindness and letting me if my daughter is at least alive and well?
I don't need details, just a little peace of mind.

I just woke up. I read the message and came here to rant. I slept miserably. I kept waking in terrible pain. I need to remember to start taking tylenol and ibuprofen before bed so I can see if that would help.
I dreamed of someone going crazy at a court house and trying to shoot a witness. He had been "allowed" to get a gun but it was empty. He was coming off as innocent until then. I don't remember anything else about the dream though lol.
I'd write the dream off to watching too many cop and crime shows but I've not been for a week or so.

Hubby called off the Farm trip because of the weather. Thank goodness for small blessing
I need to eat but I'm not in the mood.
I did discover it's not likely due to depression. I'm just really sick of the usual crap I eat

Hathor, Suena.

Gorillaz That's not weak, it's adorably sweet.


I want to reply a lot more than I do, as well. Right now, I just don't have the energy

School is killing me I am feeling so much pressure my body will burst into particles

Recently something happened in my life which is quite weird.

Me, my best friend, his younger brother and another friend of us used to smoke a lot of weed for a year or two. The last year nearly every day. A friend of my best friend would always nag on him for smoking weed, which would make my best in return complain to me about his friend nagging on him.

Now we made a promise that we'd quit smoking weed when school started, he did and I didn't. I still smoke weed one time in a week with his younger brother and the other friend. First weekend he discovered this he raged and ran outta my house. This was one week and 2 days ago and I still haven't spoken him since. Now he has send his younger brother to get back his xbox which I am borrowing so he can sell it.

Imo, he is a big fucking hypocrite for not even wanting to talk to me because I didn't keep the promise. Why? Because he would always complain to me about his friend nagging on him for smoking weed. I saw him at the railway station and he just gave me a 'death stare'.

And two, he doesn't even have the balls to get his xbox back himself.

We've been best friends for nearly 10 years now, but I find this kind of behavior questionable and I wonder wether I should skip him and meet new friends.

I have no idea what action to take next... if I see him tomorrow I'll just pretend as if I don't know him at all.

Karloky. Just keep telling yourself to do your best and that it will be over before you know it.

My rant is simply fatigue and my finger. I got 5 hours of sleep last night and we actually went to the Farm today. Of course, hubby grumbled about the trash in the field and near the house, but I just bit my tongue. He always grumbles about that. Every time we go up there. But he KNOWS if he would've given me extra gas money it would have been taken care of years ago. And still could be. The trash bags holding the trash have mostly disintegrated. The trash itself has been bleached as clean as can be by the sun and elements. I could still go up there bag it up and throw it away from here.
He just likes to grumble sometimes.. and he's grrrs are directed toward himself as much as me.

We were up there for 3 hours or so... loaded some things into the car, noticed all of my rabbit cages had been stolen (they had been unused for many years). He re-examined the property line, took measurements and it seems a neighbor took a couple acres of our property and put a trailer on it... and are building a house. There are homesteading laws here. I don't think the homes have been up for 7 years though, so he can fight it. To me, I've always thought "let it go", we have 83 + acres so what would 2 really hurt. But they keep creeping further and further onto land that is not theirs. So now, even I'm not so forgiving and passive about the whole thing. It'll cost a few k to have it properly surveyed though
I'm more than ready for a nice, long nap!

My itchy finger is inflamed. It's peeling like crazy. But I'm too apathetic about the whole thing to add a couple more cuts.

Oh yes.. and my allergies are going to be revolting for days to come, I fear. The roof of the house is leaking. There was serious mold throughout the house- even on the walls. The floors were white from dust and mold and the air was actually hazy.

Well, yesterday was liberating. I went on an adventure that I really needed.

My mom was having a garage sale to get rid of a lot of things from our house, and everything else is in boxes, and all is pretty dull and depressing. I needed to get out of the house, so I loaded up my backpack with water bottles, some snacks, my sketchbook, and I popped 18mg 4-aco-dmt before leaving. I didn't really have any expectations for what was to happen, but I knew that it felt right today.

I biked to the park, where I sketched a little, went on the swings, and 30 mins had elapsed. Normally I'd be feeling something by then, but I wasn't. I felt like it might have been a dud, from eating too soon to when I'd dosed. I started heading back home, but this little ravine caught my eye when I was nearly home, and I went to check it out. I sat down on the bench that was there, beside a stream with a bridge, and suddenly I felt something. Waves of energy, it was like nature was saying hello to me. Suddenly the grass was moving, waving to me, and fractalized patterns within them. After staring at the grass for a few seconds, the same pattern of grass repeated everywhere in my vision, so I knew it had begun.

I ended up biking all over the place, through rough terrain deep within the forest, on my bike in the lowest gear. I never do this typically, I just haven't had the chance to ever, but I felt adventurous and confident, but not stupid. I made my way to a little pond area, with a water tunnel that was shooting out water as fast as a bullet. I climbed on top of the tunnel, which was ridged metal, and someone had etched their names into it with a heart. It made me begin to reflect on what sorts of feelings and experiences went on in this place... magical moments, feelings of love, there was a lot of history here. There was a swinging rope tied to a tree that could launch you into the water. This was a nice place.

I ventured on, biking behind my old school, down a path I never realized was there. Over walking bridge there was one spot with THOUSANDS of these flowers that looked like big beady eyeballs, all looking at me. I thought about how any animal would be afraid of these flowers, because it really did have that "we're watching you" effect. As I passed these flowers I said "nice try flowers" I also felt like these flowers were in a sense "guarding" the next series of forest trails, which had a lot of intense hills that I would normally have expected to crash while navigating through, but I had my confidence drive me through it all. I eventually came into a nice open field, and I realized I was on the other side of a stream, and could see the bench I'd sat on at the beginning of the trip. Biking along grass was a cool feeling, the ground was soggy and muddy, but I glided over it with my bike's smooth gears.

On my way back through the forest I saw a nice little camping spot down a rocky hill. A shelter was made inside a rock formation, and there was a stone fireplace someone had built. Again, like the tunnel, I had a strong sense of "things have happened here" in a very positive way. Someone has experienced the beauty of this spot like I am right now. I sat down on this old dead tree that had fallen, and then the pores of the wood lit up for me. It was holographic, and the patterns on the wood looked like trilobites had etched their legs into the wood. It began to move, like water, and there was energy coming from it in a weird way. It felt like it was communicating to me in a way that was simply "knowing". The tree had a feeling associated with it like that of a very wise man, and I felt like it understood the tranquility of nature. Just spending time with it felt beautiful, knowing how old it was, how many seasons, rains, snows, droughts, everything it had been through. I wanted to bring it with me, the tribal patterns all along the wood felt very mystical and interesting.

I eventually made my way home and the house was locked. I didn't bother telling anyone to come help me out, I just hung out around my house, analyzing it from a different point of view, reflecting on all the times had there, and how it's time to move on. Once we move out of the house, a new set of experiences will come, and there'll be more memories to associate with the new place. I went down my backyard to the swingset, and hung out there for awhile, swinging with no hands, enjoying listening to the physics of swinging, till my dad arrived home.

T'was a good day that started off rather dull. I'm glad it happened like it did, it was a necessary adventure I can focus less on what's wrong with the present and more on what good things are out there.