Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

WishfulThinker
I can't talk to sad people either but that's because I'm a "fixer". I can't handle other peoples emotions so I switch into "go" mode. I fidget, organize, clean. I can listen. I'm a great Devil's Advocate. But for real grief? Forget it.

I understand this. I can handle it as long as there's something I can /do/. But as soon as something happens and it's not fixable by me I just, I switch off and I sit there and I get so empty and just, it's awful. I hate it. I feel nothing but cold emptiness. No no no no.

As for all the other stuff I'm really sorry it sucks and I hope you feel better soon because all of you are so awesome and I just want you to be happy and yeah.

Something just happened that's made me so sad. I just. I think I'm just going to sit here and eat and eat until I hit like, 140. Really not a good night this evening.

Originally Posted by tommo

Yeah, I dunno what it is. But for example I want to find what I need to enter a course. It says "check this page" with a hyperlink, so I go there and instead of the page for that course, it takes me to the generic page for entry requirements. How does that help? And from there you can't find any more information.
I really think they just suck, rather than it being on purpose.

Find the school's academic calendar, if you haven't already. That's where all that information usually is from what I've seen (specific class listings with descriptions and prerequisites, degree programs and their prerequisites, ....).

That drunk driver was a female, but I made the assumption too before seeing the link.

The event with the girl sounds interesting. Think I do that a lot, see metaphor, and wonder if the other person catches it too.

Weight loss thing... thanks though I'm not sure what you're basing that opinion on.

Spoiler for too much detail:

I do think I needed to lose weight though. I've been eating very little - too little - over the last week but feel so much better about myself even though it's unhealthy. But I want to feel even better, and not gain it back after a few weeks as has happened every other time I've started losing weight. So there's this desire to keep losing it, and to start exercising for some muscle tone too instead of just walking. But I was thinking, how would I even know when to stop? I can kinda see how someone could become anorexic. I was looking in the mirror today, trying to evaluate myself by imagining I'm looking at someone else. As soon as I started looking at my body like it wasn't mine, I seemed really skinny and looked pretty good. But when I switched back to realizing it's myself, my opinion immediately changed. I notice all the little flaws I wouldn't on someone else, fixate on them and feel like they're ruining the entire image. I was thinking, if I actually did lose weight so that I looked exactly as I wanted to, I can see myself continuing to fixate on small problems as long as at least one existed. After feeling I've been slightly overweight for about 8 years it's like it's become part of my identity. So if I actually lost all that I wanted, I might not be able to comprehend that and just continue to think I'm overweight.

Spoiler for GRoup thing:

So the group thing is done for now. The final thing isn't due for a month. But the drama hasn't ended. The woman and the guy who agreed with me have explained 'what they really think', 'without sugarcoating it' through really long e-mails, and there are so many levels of misunderstandings. I just can't believe how much drama there is. I had no idea it would turn out like this. Almost feel like I should write a short story. Since the beginning I've been aware of the group dynamics, which kinda fascinate me, and comparing it to a Lord of the Flies situation, evaluating who the Leader is, the beta, the omega, etc. and I'm conscious of everything those people do to reinforce their positions. It's all so animalistic, but I have no idea whether everyone is conscious of it or not. It would be weird if they weren't, but almost weirder if they were. How can that much go unspoken without it phasing anyone but me?

What's kind of annoying is, I've been trying too hard not to make the wrong move. In the past I've tended to write a lot of e-mails I regret afterward, not holding back enough. So in this situation, since this was a group of people I have to deal with in real life for the next 2 months, I was consciously very careful not to cause any conflict, to be passive and do what I can to help. I didn't want to secretly group up with the guy who agreed with me and collude against the other people. That would be immature. So I just waited for him, having to stop myself numerous times from sending e-mails expressing my real opinion. But now the girl is pissed at both me and him for not bringing up our concerns earlier. So basically, my attempts not to cause drama have caused it, while if I had just been confrontational to begin with, there's no way there would have been this much buildup.

I'm done talking. I'm not gonna go over what I say and re-write it, inevitably deleting most of it. I'll just keep it like this as I don't have time. Not sure why I'm even explaning any of that on here.. lol

I made the assumption, too, actually.

Originally Posted by Tiresias

I recently had a breakthrough with depression. I tried some illicit stuff, and since then, I haven't gone into my dark hole of despair. I have even tried my depression triggers, and nothing. I like this a lot.

MDMA or Ketamine? Or something else, a psychedelic?
Great news, anyway.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Find the school's academic calendar, if you haven't already. That's where all that information usually is from what I've seen (specific class listings with descriptions and prerequisites, degree programs and their prerequisites, ....).

Thanks, I'll have a look since they haven't e-mailed me back yet.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

The event with the girl sounds interesting. Think I do that a lot, see metaphor, and wonder if the other person catches it too.

haha, yeah I do it all the time too and wonder the same thing. I guess it depends on the person. I do think that sometimes people only say things or do things like that because of subconscious making connections.... if that makes sense?

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Weight loss thing... thanks though I'm not sure what you're basing that opinion on.

Well....
I guess that was over a year ago, maybe you gained weight. But couldn't have been that much. Basically I doubt you are "overweight".
Don't stress about it too much. If you want to lose some fat, then fine, but if you're not obese than it's nothing to worry about. Just take it easy.

Instead of trying to lose weight, just eat healthy and exercise. Exercise while eating "too little", as you said you are, will make you feel worse in the long run (that's a good example of the subconscious thing, I probably used the words "long run" because we're talking about exercise).

Originally Posted by tommo

MDMA or Ketamine? Or something else, a psychedelic?
Great news, anyway.

It was a psychedelic. I don't feel magically happier; I just don't go into my depression holes.

This is not okay. I am not okay. I'm just going to go and cry for a bit now jdv;bgfbgjfgh (This time it's just book related)

Tiresias, it would be very neat if we passed each other on the road without ever knowing we crossed paths... but I think I'd be home by then. Hope you have a great time!

WishfulThinker, awwww I love it when a book moves us that much!! I can't remember the last time I had that strong an emotional reaction to something watched or read.

No rants from me today. But it's still early in the day
I went to sleep at midnight and woke at 4AM to a powerful storm. I actually reacted anxiously to the weather, which hasn't happened in a very long time. The wind was fierce and the rain sounded like hail. I love a sleeping through a good storm, but this one woke me up. I just stayed awake because my son had GED. I read some in the car then took a 2 1/2 hour nap. The nap was amazing even though I tossed and turned a lot and every little noise seemed to stir me.
I dreamed of a tsunami wiping out a small island. There was some sort of festival going on and countless were killed. I watched as something like a ski lift was pushed over by the waves. The dream centered on two people. One was a guy who rejoiced over some of the deaths because those killed were show-offs in new cars and the drivers had been unkind to him. The other person was with a band of travelers in some large off road vehicle.

Then the dream changed and I was a little boy looking for a tree to use the bathroom. Another boy was with me and he was being cruel to large insect things he called hoppers. He went behind a tree and a dinosaur sized praying mantis ate his head.
They were very weird but good dreams lol. I like a good story and my dreams didn't fail me

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

WishfulThinker, awwww I love it when a book moves us that much!! I can't remember the last time I had that strong an emotional reaction to something watched or read.

I cry at so many books. I cried for over an hour at The Fault In Our Stars, I cried at Divergent, I cried at Insurgent, I cried whilst reading this book, I cried whilst reading Clockwork Princess. I didn't even cry when Dobby died in Harry Potter (Don't complain spoilers those books have been out for YEARS) and now I cry at every emotional book.

I have never been so fucking sickened by school.... I went into my lab class today and the experiment they wanted us to do was learning about toxicology. We were supposed to poison a bunch of shrimp until they die so we could record the LD50, and the professor told us the whole assignment with this big smile on his face. What an asshole.... I understand why toxicology testing is important but this is fucking pointless... and there was no option, it was just do that or fail. I walked out as soon as the lecture ended and started crying and feeling nauseous on the way home. I'll gladly take a zero on this paper.

Tommo, I had a longer response halfway written out before but my computer crashed and it didn't reload, and I'm really not in the mood to write out something long again. Basically what it comes down to is that the hallucinogenic and nootropic effects of cat's claw may be inseparable.... Its two major alkaloids that I'm familiar with, rhynchophylline and pteropodine, roughly contain tryptamine within their structure. The former is the MAOI and a NMDA antagonist, and the latter is a positive regulator of 5-HT2 and M1 receptors. It does nothing on its own, however it could realistically boost the serotonin release induced by the former. 5-HT2 receptors release BDNF, which is thought to play a role in psychedelics' nootropic effects, as well as acetylcholine which would then bind to M1 to enhance memory and cognition. But that would of course mean that both the desired and *cough* "undesired" effects would occur through the same mechanisms.

Anyway, a nice thing about today though is that my friend who plays the dominant role in a 24/7 Master/slave relationship has offered to take me under his wing and train me to be a good dominatrix. The most wonderful girl in the world has expressed to me her desire, a desire which we both share, to be force fed psychedelics far beyond the limits of what she can handle. I take these requests very seriously.... I have to perfect my art so that I can carry her to places that others have only dreamed of.

Originally Posted by Tiresias

I recently had a breakthrough with depression. I tried some illicit stuff, and since then, I haven't gone into my dark hole of despair. I have even tried my depression triggers, and nothing. I like this a lot.

That's great

Originally Posted by Tiresias

It was a psychedelic. I don't feel magically happier; I just don't go into my depression holes.

Out of interest, which one in particular? And how was the trip?

Originally Posted by Original Poster

I made the assumption, too, actually.

I'm very sorry about your friend

So NaNoWriMo started today (National Novel Writing Month) and I have until midnight November 30th to write 50,000 words and I have 1,500 so far. Umm.... I don't think this is going to work. Cx

My friend and I have decided (huge Vlogbrothers fans) that we're only going to discuss our ideas about this task over vlogs so as not to bore our school friends. These are daily vlogs to each other and I expect them to be much fun. :')

Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it! I just don't know... I don't know if there's something wrong with me. Since mid-2012 I've been happy with these super specialized situations that were made just for me, but never have I been happy with anything normal, I've never had fucking anything in common with normal people. I can never tell if I'm supposed to be practicing and forcing myself ahead to do some of the things that may be good. Like, why have I never had a relationship, ever? I'm 20 years old, most people have. But I've never met anyone interesting, have never been able to pursue anything and I hate most of the environments my peers create.

I just, I just don't know. Don't even know what I'm saying, either. I went to a party today and I was kind of pumped about it since I hadn't been drunk since July. During the warmup already, I just start feeling insanely uncomfortable. The energy of the others feels surreal to me, the play they engage in, the flirting - I'm sitting there feeling utterly like an outsider. I tell myself, I just need to get more drunk and it'll be alright. But no, that's what they say. They keep trying to convince me to keep up, to drink more, they start talking about devising a plan to 'revive' me. When that started happening, there was no way I was into it at all anymore, so my brain was running full force trying to figure out how best to initiate operation The Great Escape. And eventually I was sitting on the train station, waiting perhaps 20 minutes for my train, while wondering what the fuck went wrong in my brain.

I'm usually happy, because I have things that appeal to me. I.e. I'm surrounded by little girls most of the time. And yet, I have no idea what I am, who I am, or what I should be. I feel like there's so much that's wrong with me, like I'm perpetually awkward, anxious, incapable or inferior when it comes to damn near everything. What the hell do you do when almost everything makes you uncomfortable? Surely, the right answer is to follow my feelings and not do the things that I hate like going to parties. But, if almost everything makes me feel bad, does that mean I have to avoid everything? How do I figure out which things are the things I need to learn to feel good about, and which things are the ones I can just throw away because they aren't for me?

I haven't used this thread in such a long time, and then suddenly a stray day with alcohol, which happens very, very rarely, induces this shitty as fuck mood. God fucking damnit, I just can't. What the fuck am I supposed to do with my life?? Where could I possibly end up?

Originally Posted by Wishfulthinker

So NaNoWriMo started today (National Novel Writing Month) and I have until midnight November 30th to write 50,000 words and I have 1,500 so far. Umm.... I don't think this is going to work. Cx

My friend and I have decided (huge Vlogbrothers fans) that we're only going to discuss our ideas about this task over vlogs so as not to bore our school friends. These are daily vlogs to each other and I expect them to be much fun. :')

If I planned to have computer access for longer than 3 days I'd be participating, too.

The 7 journal entries from my trip that made it to my blog added up to 8105 meaning the entire journal is probably around 12,000-15,000. It could have easily been 25,000-30,000 if I wrote more frequently during my stay in Portland (instead one entry covered an entire month I skipped some very interesting stuff). The thing is, I never had to deal with writers block this way. I never found keeping a journal very exciting until this trip, though. I don't know, I'm just saying this has been especially helpful to me, more helpful toward my writing habit than NaNoWriMo ever was. But I wish you the best of luck.

Originally Posted by Original Poster

If I planned to have computer access for longer than 3 days I'd be participating, too.

The 7 journal entries from my trip that made it to my blog added up to 8105 meaning the entire journal is probably around 12,000-15,000. It could have easily been 25,000-30,000 if I wrote more frequently during my stay in Portland (instead one entry covered an entire month I skipped some very interesting stuff). The thing is, I never had to deal with writers block this way. I never found keeping a journal very exciting until this trip, though. I don't know, I'm just saying this has been especially helpful to me, more helpful toward my writing habit than NaNoWriMo ever was. But I wish you the best of luck.

I hate writing on a computer, So at the moment I'm having to write everything on paper, make an average of words per page (about 200 per A4 side) and then file the pages away before I loose them so I can type up at a date I won't get distracted (so, in school) and then they can be submitted if (When Katie, WHEN) I reach 50,000. Hoping this year may be my year. Hope. Hope. Hope!

Oh man animal cruelty is something I can't stand! On oct 30th like around 11:30pm I was coming home from my job as a dishwasher at wegmans, and some asshole decided to throw a deer warped in white sheets at my car and others, I and others almost died, and this deer was crushed, some people just don't deserve the breaths they've been given.

Originally Posted by Original Poster

It was a drunk driver: Female pedestrian struck by car Saturday in Denver dies; driver held - The Denver Post

I can't even make the funeral. I can't fucking stand this. I already lost Karen just a few fucking months ago. This shit's supposed to happen when I'm fucking 70, not 24.

I'm really sorry to hear about you're friend. One thing that get's me is people think getting smashed, or altered on substances mean's just go and get into the vehicle and enjoy, whatever (Don't Fucking Do IT!). The point of intoxication whether by something crazy like Magic Mint or a simple beer run is it's so posed to be something controlled, and non deadly (even if your mind is fucked in the process). I have had friend's who got years in prison for smoking pot at home, and a former friend who got no time for being a potentially deadly drunk.

Originally Posted by pointofbeing

Oh man animal cruelty is something I can't stand! On oct 30th like around 11:30pm I was coming home from my job as a dishwasher at wegmans, and some asshole decided to throw a deer warped in white sheets at my car and others, I and others almost died, and this deer was crushed, some people just don't deserve the breaths they've been given.

How do people throw a deer? Aren't they rather heavy?

It was a few people in a pick up truck, really sick shit. I could not avoid it, and was not even sure what it was they threw at us until the next day. I hope the poor thing was already dead. Happened on 422 going towards Philadelphia.

Originally Posted by pointofbeing

Oh man animal cruelty is something I can't stand! On oct 30th like around 11:30pm I was coming home from my job as a dishwasher at wegmans, and some asshole decided to throw a deer warped in white sheets at my car and others, I and others almost died, and this deer was crushed, some people just don't deserve the breaths they've been given.

You should have been expecting things like this on Mischief night! 11:30pm is where they start. You lucky there wasn't any egg throwing, or you will be cleaning off egg yolks on Halloween. lol

Originally Posted by pointofbeing

I'm really sorry to hear about you're friend. One thing that get's me is people think getting smashed, or altered on substances mean's just go and get into the vehicle and enjoy, whatever (Don't Fucking Do IT!). The point of intoxication whether by something crazy like Magic Mint or a simple beer run is it's so posed to be something controlled, and non deadly (even if your mind is fucked in the process). I have had friend's who got years in prison for smoking pot at home, and a former friend who got no time for being a potentially deadly drunk.

I've always taken it lightly, honestly. But none of my friends or family were ever the victims before. Usually my friends are the ones getting arrested for driving drunk, actually. This sort of changes everything for me. Krista's death has got me pretty pissed off, honestly. We weren't very close, more like acquaintances, but she was way too kind, compassionate and friendly to deserve this. There were also two mentally handicapped people in the car with her (she cared for them for a living), one of them was thrown from the car and the other suffered several broken bones. There was a time in my life when the most I'd do if a friend wanted to drive drunk was warn them, for fear they'd get a DUI not hurt someone. Now, I'm pretty sure if anyone tries to drive drunk under my watch I'll beat their faces in before I let them get behind the wheel.

I hit a deer with my car once. She was still alive but dazed and I couldn't leave her in the middle of the road. So I carried her to the side of the road near my vehicle. I talked soothingly to her and she didn't put up a fight. I held and pet her for a few minutes, then she got up and ran off into the woods I'd like to believe she made a full recovery, but who knows. Anyhow... deer are EXTREMELY heavy. I managed because she was young (but not a doe) and my adrenaline was rushing. Hopefully, the deer that was thrown at you, PointOfBeing, was road kill. But it is lucky you're alive. Those people should be flayed! I once had a rock or somesuch thrown at my vehicle's windshield was driving under an overpass. They had been at it all night and caused a car accident. I can't imagine having a deer do that!!! Glad you and the others are okay.

Aly, I would've taken a zero too. I couldn't be part of something I thought was senseless suffering.

Wishful, Good luck with writing!! Sounds like fun. I tried one year, but I've had writers block for a decade or so Maybe I'll attempt it again.

everyone who needs one.

My rant is simple. I slept for 9 hours last night and still managed to take a 5 hour nap Even though my bird squawked his head off the entire time.
And my cold is worse. I thought it went away a couple days ago, but here it is bothering me again.

Originally Posted by tommo

MDMA or Ketamine? Or something else, a psychedelic?
Great news, anyway.
..

I read it wasn´t in this case and good on you Tiresias, but ketamine is getting a lot of attention and is beginning to get used against depression - with promising results.
It´s even safe for anaesthesia in pregnant women.
The dissociative state and hallucinations can seemingly be reduced if you infuse it slowly over a long time, some people are afraid of it - it will be rather in generally done like this.

Oh - right - just found this here:

Ketamine-like drug lifts depression without the trip
19:03 15 October 2013 by Simon Makin

We will see how they compare.


Great news!
A different angle at the depressive phenomenon - besides what is there - can´t be bad!
Cool.gif

Originally Posted by Maeni

Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it! I just don't know... I don't know if there's something wrong with me. Since mid-2012 I've been happy with these super specialized situations that were made just for me, but never have I been happy with anything normal, I've never had fucking anything in common with normal people. I can never tell if I'm supposed to be practicing and forcing myself ahead to do some of the things that may be good. Like, why have I never had a relationship, ever? I'm 20 years old, most people have. But I've never met anyone interesting, have never been able to pursue anything and I hate most of the environments my peers create.

I just, I just don't know. Don't even know what I'm saying, either. I went to a party today and I was kind of pumped about it since I hadn't been drunk since July. During the warmup already, I just start feeling insanely uncomfortable. The energy of the others feels surreal to me, the play they engage in, the flirting - I'm sitting there feeling utterly like an outsider. I tell myself, I just need to get more drunk and it'll be alright. But no, that's what they say. They keep trying to convince me to keep up, to drink more, they start talking about devising a plan to 'revive' me. When that started happening, there was no way I was into it at all anymore, so my brain was running full force trying to figure out how best to initiate operation The Great Escape. And eventually I was sitting on the train station, waiting perhaps 20 minutes for my train, while wondering what the fuck went wrong in my brain.

I'm usually happy, because I have things that appeal to me. I.e. I'm surrounded by little girls most of the time. And yet, I have no idea what I am, who I am, or what I should be. I feel like there's so much that's wrong with me, like I'm perpetually awkward, anxious, incapable or inferior when it comes to damn near everything. What the hell do you do when almost everything makes you uncomfortable? Surely, the right answer is to follow my feelings and not do the things that I hate like going to parties. But, if almost everything makes me feel bad, does that mean I have to avoid everything? How do I figure out which things are the things I need to learn to feel good about, and which things are the ones I can just throw away because they aren't for me?

I haven't used this thread in such a long time, and then suddenly a stray day with alcohol, which happens very, very rarely, induces this shitty as fuck mood. God fucking damnit, I just can't. What the fuck am I supposed to do with my life?? Where could I possibly end up?

What are you good at Maeni?

Fuck me I feel oinvincialeb.