New Dream Adventures of Raven Knight

02/19/13

Blaine is a Pain
I am in the back yard of my house. It is nighttime. I am holding a burning match. There is a small pile of kindling in front of me, and on top of that pile of kindling is a toy that looks like Altaïr. For some reason I want to watch it burn. I pour a bit of alcohol on the toy to make sure it burns good, I'm not sure if the plastic will burn or melt. I toss the match into the pile and watch the fire blaze up, brighter than I had thought it would be. The toy melts and distorts as it burns, stretching the face into an expression that looks like pain. But no… it's a toy… toys don't feel pain. I don't want to watch it burn after all. I want to put the fire out and restore the toy to its previous condition. But it's too late for that. The face has now melted beyond recognition. The toy is a smoldering pile of plastic. I can't believe I just burned my toy Altaïr. Why did I do that? I pinch my nose to block the smell of burning plastic. I can still breathe. This is a dream! My concern with a toy Altaïr has faded, and now I focus on opening a portal to a Dark Tower dream. I want to pick up MoSh first. The portal seems to shift. I reach through and grab MoSh's hand without really looking at the surrounding area. I pull him through a second portal. On the other side of the portal we are in what looks like the interior of a very fancy train.

The walls have no windows, and I see we are not alone. Roland, Susanna, Eddie, Jake, and Oy are all in the train staring at us. The portal closes behind us. Blaine is the first to speak, giving a formal greeting to (MoSh's real name) of (MoSh's place of birth) and Raven Knight of (my place of birth). I say hello to Blaine. Blaine says they were just getting started on some riddles. He says our interruption is quite rude, but also interesting… so he would refrain from killing us, and we could join in the riddling. Susanna asks a riddle, an easy one. What has four wheels and flies? Blain pauses, then irritatedly says it's the town garbage wagon. He says dumb riddles like that won't keep us alive. MoSh blurts out a riddle… why don't zombies eat clowns? Blaine is annoyed again, but pauses before he says they taste funny… now tell a real one. A little voice says not to make Blaine angry… please… what can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a bed but never sleeps, has a face but never weeps. Blaine answers quickly this time… a river. Roland asks what has four legs in the morning, two at noon, three at night. Blaine answers a human. Eddie told the next riddle. No sooner spoken than broken. Blaine answers silence. He asks me for a riddle. I think for a bit… then tell a riddle from The Hobbit. It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. It lies behind stars and under hills, and empty holes it fills. It comes first and follows after, ends life, kills laughter. Blaine answers immediately. Darkness. The riddles continue, Roland telling them all, Blaine answering instantly. Susanna asks me quietly if I can't open one of those doors to get us all off of Blaine. I know I can, but that would disrupt the story… so I tell her I can't always control where they go, so that would be a last resort. Blaine says skipping out on our agreement would be very rude. Eddie looks like he is zoned off into some other world. I am trying to think of some riddles, just to pass more time until we get closer to our destination. Then is the time for the riddles that will drive Blaine insane. But I wake up.
 
Riddles in the Train
I am inside Blaine the Mono as if no time has passed. It seems even Blaine hasn't noticed I disappeared, or at least hasn't said anything about it. Roland is still telling riddles. Eddie still seems zoned into another world. I sit down on one of the seats, not even sure why I am here. Blaine sounds amused, but doesn't seem close to being stumped. I figure since he's a computer, if he hears a riddle, either the answer will be in his memory or it won't… so he'll either answer instantly or not at all. So far he is answering instantly. Blaine comes to a point where he charges his batteries near some large waterfalls. The outside of the train has become transparent to show a massive waterfall pouring past two large dog statues.

Then there is sound… the sound of the waterfall, which is so loud I am sure it will wake me up. Soon the sound passes, however, without waking me up. I look over to be sure MoSh is still there. Blaine charges his battery through blinding lightning from the eyes of the dog statues. After a brief pause the train becomes opaque again and then we start moving. And the riddling continues. Roland says he is running out of riddles. Everyone seems surprised and a bit dismayed at that. Roland asks if Jake will be ready with his riddles, Jake says yes. He asks MoSh and me if we have any riddles from our world. MoSh says he knows a few. Eddie looks zoned completely. Roland says to leave Eddie alone. More riddles from Roland. More instant answers from Blaine. Blaine says there is just 25 minutes left, Roland tells Jake to tell his riddles. Jake tells some riddles from the back of his book. Blaine answers instantly to all of them. Blaine asks if anyone else has a riddle, he even asks Oy. Eddie finally says he has a few, just to kill the time.

He asks what has four wheels and flies. Blaine is clearly annoyed, says this one has already been asked and was dumb the first time. He is calling Eddie a fool and an idiot when MoSh asks what you get when you breed a shitzu and a pitt bull. Blaine pauses, says the riddle is dumb… then finally says the answer is a bullshit. Eddie asks when a door is not a door. Blaine pauses, makes a clicking noise, and says when it is ajar then starts insulting Eddie again. MoSh asks a riddle. A big moron and a little moron are on a bridge, the big moron falls off, why doesn't the little moron fall off? Blaine gets pissed again, says the riddle isn't worthy of the contest and he will not answer. Roland says that means Blaine loses. Answer or Blaine loses. Blaine is whining now. Would you like a little cheese with your whine? After another pause and a louder click, finally Blaine says because the little moron was a little more on. He says he feels soiled. Eddie makes a hand gesture which he says is the world's smallest violin playing "My Heart Pumps Purple Piss For You." Next riddle. Why do cops wear belts? The lights are flickering, the walls look semi-transparent. With each riddle this effect seems to get worse. The smaller voice says to stop, it's killing Blaine… Eddie says we'll all stop if Blain stops the mono, to which he refuses. What does an evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. The answer was very slow to come. Strange noises are coming from the walls. Why did the dead baby cross the road? Blaine is not answering, he says there is no time limit. Roland says he has to answer before we crash. Blaine starts spouting nonsense. Because it was stapled to the chicken. Things are exploding, and it feels like the train is no longer being propelled forward. Roland says everyone needs to gather in the back of the compartment, we are still going to crash. Everyone is gathering at the far end of the compartment. I notice I don't see MoSh… but I really don't have a chance to think much about it before I wake.