DarkestDarkness

29th November 2021

Very abridged, many details weren't retained after waking; this was a brief lucid involving a false awakening and the lucid part felt continuous and lasting several minutes.

Dream:

I am out and about in a place like old home. Reminds me of 98 and I am with mom maybe, and a group of kids. It's some kind of school trip. (mom is here as a teacher?) I cross some foot bridge thing. It's sunny. I then go into a cafe or shop place, somewhat dark and unlit, except by the bounced light from outside. There are a few dream characters here, there's a counter of some kind on the left side and the place is deep-ish, being long and relatively narrow more than anything else.

I start hearing my thoughts and they are very present. My thoughts tell me I'm dreaming and I confirm this in some way by interacting in some specific way with the people. For some reason, I still feel self-conscious, or like it's impolite to do anything right away, excusing myself and eventually going outside again. My memory in the dream feels decent and I perceive all the visual details vividly but physical sensations are faint.

As I walk between two buildings, I start feeling some kind of arousal but successfully repress it. Instead of letting myself give in to an urge of making myself grow, I start trying to fly. Unable to fly, I am more leaping in large bounds of varying gravity each time. At some point I lose a bit of lucid awareness but I realise this and so I regain some clarity. Eventually I slip away into non-lucidness again and "wake up" falsely, into some other dream segment.

Then I am in a sofa bed with S; she seems needlessly concerned, anxious. This looks like the room me and H have stayed in, when I've visited my parents; it feels like old home, anyway. Thinking I'm actually awake, I try to ignore her a bit and I take my phone out to write down my dream, starting on some detail. But I stop because I'm interrupted by H, who's prompting me to get up as he comes into the room. We discuss something about our day coming ahead.

(recall gap?) Still in the same place, I am playing some game? Something about the original DOOM. Then I realise it's 3PM somehow, and wonder why or how it got so late, kind of in shock. But I don't dwell on it very long. (missed a perfect cue here)

(recall gap)

In some kind of ship, something about a fridge and some chemicals, including screenwash?

Notes:

- I mostly repressed the urge for growing because I always end up feeling like lucidity makes me want to do sexual things, which is fine, but at the same time I also want to focus on other things. Many times I've tried falling asleep with painting, or even art in general, in mind as a lucid objective just in case I ever do become lucid, since it's rare for me.

- After I became lucid, I have some recall that after the two buildings there was a cityscape past a dip (river?) but also a sort of digital-looking existence, like in some old 2000s 3D cartoons. There was something bizarre and unusual about the background, anyway, as well as some other kind of foot bridge.

- The manner in which I became lucid was unusual, not that I have a great deal of samples to compare with.

14th April 2021

~6:20? (DFLN) Dream:

I'm in the USA somewhere, outside. There's a blue sky, it's daytime, around noon. I'm walking along some kind of path, maybe gravel. I remember hearing a radio nearby and a female announcer talking about the place I'm at.

I see this local monument thing and notice that it's in disrepair. It's attached to a tall lamp post and initially I try to piece it back together on my own. Soon enough, two skinny white guys walk by and start helping me. This monument thing is all about black people, so in the dream I find some irony that these two guys are about as white as can be.

Seemingly I must have won the lottery or something because I remember I have this UV curing thing like dentists use and I make use of it to sort of make a very strong glue/bond to join some bits that keep falling apart. The guys help me hold it all in place as I do this, I think. I tell them I had some spare money this month and that this was something I always wanted to try, but I feel I'm lying to make myself seem more casual. Everything gradually transforms as we repair the monument.

I don't realise that the scene is changing and soon we are in a well lit but incredibly small and cramped room doing all this and now there are more people from the local community in here with us. There's a happy atmosphere of sorts as they seem pleased about what we're doing and they talk and interact with me and between each other.

Then, someone, I think a kid or relatively young person says: "Oh, oh! We should REALLY have a picture of Moonage there, for all she did!" As I hear this, I become instantly distracted. I hear a woman replying to this suggestion.

I try to look around the cramped and crowded room, it's a bit like an understairs cupboard or something. There's a big black guy who was just behind me, with a big friendly smile. But because he's so big I feel sad that I can't seem to see or find MoonageDaydream for him and the rest of the crowd being in the way. I think to myself that I really want to meet her and I end up figuring that actually, I don't want to introduce myself unannounced and by surprise like this in person. I think to myself that I should PM her first on DV and try to find some way of meeting up soon.

Feeling a little disappointed but expectant, I seemingly wake up.

---

Notes:

- As mentioned in DFLN, I wanted to do a WBTB after this dream, and when I got back in bed I set an intent and held on to it to go back to the dream and try and meet up with MoonageDaydream, hoping that she would know where the Lucid Dreaming party would be, in which case, she could take me there.
-- Unfortunately, I had trouble falling back asleep, and when I did, I had seemingly let go of the intent too much or something.
-- I had several other morning dreams after this but didn't make note of them, because of time things and just generally feeling tired.

- Despite the extremely obvious cue about physically meeting another DV member, I did not have any pre-lucid thoughts to question reality. Even so, I felt really satisfied with having this dream because it felt like intention-setting worked well, better than expected.
-- I think it's also the first time I've had a dream relating to an actual DV member. I wasn't expecting anyone so specifically as a mention of their username in the dream.

- There's a few dream elements, like the dentist UV thing, the monument to black people and some other things that have come by association with recent stuff from waking life.

- In the dream, there was no element of pandemic-related life and no associated feelings.

- Lately I have been craving to go to a beach on a sunny day to just spend time there, but unfortunately there's no such place near me. This place I was at felt like it was close to the sea, I have a vague recall of the path being along a cliff.

3rd April 2021

Some in-line thoughts and notes.

Dream:

I am in a car with H. We are driving down a hilly area. I'm sitting facing the back of the car, but I'm in the copilot seat next to H who is at the driver's seat. The steering is not on the side it should be. It's sunny and I can see sharp shadows from the sunlight. H doesn't seem to b ewearing sunglasses or straining despite direct sunlight in his eyes.

Behind us, or in front of me, I see a teal van coming down the same road. As they get close I see through our windows it's an old man and his young daughter. They are somewhat playfully fighting over the wheel but it concerns me. It's not somethign to fool around with, I feel. And I fear they may collide with us as they are going past us.

There's a transition but I don't become aware of it in the dream. I am now walking towards a table which seems to be part of an esplanade on a plaza. It's in a tight spot between two buildings with white painted render.

H is sitting down at the table and I take the seat directly in front of him. Adjoining our table is another table. Sat to my right, is the girl from before. I try to tell her something about some dangers? And then, before I talk about the whole steering thing, H tells me not to bother and I realise at this point that I have no memory of the last few minutes.

I think I ask about what happened but don't get a clear answer and now the father is also coming back and sitting in front of his daughter at the table. We each have a meal, but oddly enough I don't pay any attention to mine.

Before all this. Me and H are in a town. It's dark and night time. Can't see too well except for some faint light at the edge of street light fall-off, away from where we are. We are going back to the car but H can't remember where it is exactly, but I did know exactly where it was. The car was like dad's car?

Before that, not sure what the place is anymore. Looking through a cabinet of some sort. There are drawing pads and other things. Me and H talk, they apparently belong to a childhood friend of his, called Tania. I ask what kind of things she drew? He tells me that when they played in the garden she would pretend to have superpowers she'd imagined/come up with and she drew some furry characters, in answer to my question. I vaguely recall seeing one or two drawings, focusing on faces and muzzles.

Fragment:

Before the other dream, before the first morning awakening. Something in a town, medieval-like but also old home like? There's a WoW feel. My old best friend, D is present in the dream somehow and we talk or something. There's something about T3 gear and tanking. I can't remember anything else but even writing about this made me feel nostalgic for some reason, not just for the game but for this friend too.

4th April 2021

Scraps and fragment:

Dream recall mostly faded and no notes taken. I remember at the end of one dream, I realised faintly that I was dreaming and so it was time to wake up or something. There was a hazard situation? But I'm not sure in what context now.

I had a very long dream sequence. In the dream I am in a dark land. I think it was brighter before, but it was night time and I am in some countryside area. In the distance I see burning towns and things like that. The path I am walking along is patrolled by demons accompanied by a dog-like creature on a chain lead. I am able to use some sort of invisibility ability, every twelve seconds or so. It lasts just long enough that I can hide in a corner and when they go past me, I use the ability to make sure they can't see me. I feel like there's some kind of spotlight on the three of us.

The dog senses me on some level but they leave and my invisibility fades and I move along. There are other patrols and so instead of continuing down this road going downhill I instead take an uphill fork in the road, which is narrower and seemingly goes unpatrolled. I don't feel any negative emotions, but I suppose I just feel neutral about everything.

Transition? I am at a town of some sort. It's seemingly the last surviving settlement in this area. At some point I see the settlement from an RTS-like point of view. There are many sub-cultures in this town, who are seemingly self-segregating in cultural terms. But I also remember going into shops and talking to people. Life seems normal and there is a modern feel to most things. There were many little plots involving interaction with others in this dream but I don't recall any in enough to detail to remember any of them fully.

5th September 2020

Dream:

One of several long ones. At a version of the clinic I'm registered with. I see a receptionist in a narrow hall and ask about whether they are still doing appointments. She said that appointments have to be booked nine days in advance, at least.

Then I proceed to the waiting room anyway. It's different from how it should be and a whole lot bigger. The room is packed, reminds me of an airport. It's well lit with natural light.

I try to find somewhere to wait and become aware that I'm wearing a dust cover mask. it feels like it keeps slipping down and uncovering my nose, which bothers me. Only a few other people are wearing masks of any kind at all. The vast majority is not, I don't feel that this is right but I feel there's nothing to be done about it and carry on. Eventually I find a little corner around a pillar. I think of sitting down at a chair but I remember thinking I don't want to be as close as everyone else is to each other. So I just lean back against the pillar.

At some point I realise I'm wearing one of my black t-shirts and the trousers I have typically been wearing lately. My mask slips off again, and I adjust it again. This time I try to make the upper strap stay in place better. I simple consider this recurring thing to be the fault of my choice of wearing a second version I found of the mask at home. (This would have been a good RC moment)

I see people come and go, in and out of appointments and the hall. I have thoughts about whether I'll be able to hear my name called from here.

Then as I'm waiting, around the corner I spot two black guys are having an argument with each other, they are at opposite ends of the area. Something about a game, but not? One of them is more calm than the other but is also upset. He's chunkier and nerdier in some sense. He has a cap, dark navy colour. His skin is about as dark as the cap, reminds me of Franklin from GTA5 but darker. The angrier guy is taller and is much closer to where I am, he is well built and again partly reminds me of Lamar, but no cap?

I forget their words to each other. I become curious if the angrier guy is going to get physical or not in his anger, he does a little, gesticulating violently but seemingly out of frustration, then letting go of the subject and simply walking away. Then when he's left a large number of people follow behind him.

For some reason, I eventually leave too. I'm outside, it's an unknown street. I remember a sandstone bridge over the road, it's daytime. Eventually a very full bus goes past, after I'd already crossed the road.

There's a white girl, with curly hair (what colour?). She's on the other side of the road, I feel I know her somehow in the dream. I forget exactly what happens next but then I'm going around on the back of a bike or something. Streets remind me of native country.

Eventually I/we arrive somewhere. It's a house along a row of impressive houses with a typical local look with sandstone features. There's an open courtyard. Reminds me of Hei's place. Then I'm on foot and it seems to be on a hill/cliff, overlooking a semi-populated area. That girl from before is now sitting on a bench here, naked? She gets up and walks toward a ledge wall and I walk up close. Then, looking down from over the low-ish wall, I see a baby cat trying to climb a tree from lower down to get to us.

Fragment:

At a beach place, overcast day. There's a big bridge over this bit, really high up. Some rocks at the base of one of the support pillars. It's like a highway overpass? There's writing in Arabic and maybe Hebrew, but also a third language which glyphs I don't recognise or recall.

---

Notes:

- I remember the dispute between the two guys was interesting to watch. Looking back at it now, it seems like it was some kind of metaphor for internal debate and the fact that many of the other vague dream characters left with the angry guy kind of reinforces this idea for me.
- The mask slipping off on its own is something that I found was happening with some face coverings I tried to wear because of the virus situation. It doesn't happen at all with dust cover masks but this seemed to have slipped by me in the dream.
- The second fragment may have been because we recently re-watched Prince of Egypt, a film I didn't remember very well at all anymore.

Some dream fragments. Initially had better recall but didn't manage to type as much as I wanted in my initial notes and so recall just faded for the most part. Some pre-sleep journaling too because I haven't really done that a lot.

Although I have had recall of dreams from all the previous nights since my last DJ entry, I haven't been making notes in the morning for the most part. H's alarm can be distracting and causes me to lose details sometimes, which puts me off from trying to write, besides all the other usual issues.

---

Pre-sleep:

Some stray thoughts about something lead me to loosely focusing thoughts on memories from my childhood, primarily from the ages between three and five. Somewhat vivid memory of the balcony, but details missing and wrong. I hoped my focus on these memories would perhaps carry on into dreaming and allow me to explore the memories a bit better. Some recall of trying to place myself in the height I would have been, meaning a different point of view from the lower glass panes rather than the higher ones. I remember having other conscious thoughts about the memories but I have forgotten the specifics now.

Dream Fragment:

Was having a discussion with a girl about my age, we were talking about buck/boost transformers and how they saved power or something. I was doing a poor job of explaining and getting to the point I wanted to make and so she started to think I was trying to make some sort of sales point without evidence. I was at some kind of hotel? Initially I was speaking to her from a hallway that had these sliding doors to the outside; she was out on a courtyard of some kind, under a summer/pool tent of sorts.

I'd met her at a fairly high floor in the building, 30 something? I had been going up through the floors using stairwells with my family up to this point, but I think they just continued on without me. I think near the end the girl's form shifted between herself and some male dream character.

Before I got to the hotel, I remember travelling with my family through some highway, dad was driving. At some point we weren't in the car anymore but sort of still on the road. I remember my parents asking T if he should put an extra layer/top on. L made some comment? We were on the start of a mountain path or something. We were apparently going some place cold, I remember a dull grey day, misty. Reminds me now of some real beach or coastal area I've visited in waking reality many years ago with my family.

Dream Fragment:

Called an aunt. Brief conversation, remember noting it took no more than five or six minutes. Vague visual recall of orange phone screen?

---

Notes:

- The orange phone screen was most likely a detail of a home phone; either the one we have now or the one from my parents' house.
- The highways in the dream remind me of the ones from Fallout, possibly because of playing it recently.
- Not entirely sure what brought on the context of discussing electronics but possibly just a more obvious intrusion of information consolidation processes; my apparent ignorance on the subject in the dream perhaps being caused by the fact I rarely discuss the specific topic in question.

Some very long dreaming overall, many fragments lost now. The primary dream is backwards since that was the easiest way to put all the memory into notes.

---

Dream Fragment:

The earliest part of this dream I can remember, I was moving a cruise liner-like ship into orbit of a pretty plain planet. While manoeuvring close, I accidentally clipped head-on into the planet, so I had to sort of reverse out and reposition. I wanted to set it up so that it would make a nice screenshot, with the system's star and the nebulae in the background. There was a relatively dark palette to this scene, dark purples and dark desaturated oranges, almost a bright brown. The planet itself was a somewhat bright but lifeless pink and the ship was just some standard dark grey of sorts. Warm light.

I intended to upload the resulting screenshot onto the game's forum, I think. Despite the whole scene having a hyper-realistic feel, it was quite a lot like Freelancer but not quite, a bit of EVE online feel to it too.

In actuality I was on the ground, at the sloped and curvy area near M's house in my old town. I remember using some interfaces about my ship and looking through options. I "moused over" some checkboxes that had question marks next to them for info and quickly glanced at some tooltips that would appear with lists on them. I clicked some options rapidly; the options were relating to failure/limp modes. After checking these boxes, the ship started to implode. The options had no warning or confirmation before I had activated them so I got upset and spoke angrily at the interface, swearing and declaring how it was stupid, in my frustration.

On some list of ships I apparently owned, I saw the value of this cruiser drop rapidly from several hundred million to almost nothing as it imploded. I knew the ship was dead and worthless now in orbit of that planet and took some comfort in the fact that nobody would want to loot it being so worthless. Annoyed, I still felt like I could make a screenshot out of it.

Dream:

I woke up when in the dream I was telling H about some water-filled cyst things that seemed to be under my skin on my chest, my groin and my legs. They were hard to the touch. There were some kind of "veins" between them and at certain angles or positions the water would run down through them with gravity. It looked a bit like fresh sausages when they are cooked and have fluid built up under the casing. I remember the light at this point was a dim and lightly blue-ish morning light.

I asked H what it was and what it meant and more importantly, why it was going green on some bits (lower right belly) and H just said "then you lose" which made me panic and cry, at which point I quickly woke up.

In the dream I had noticed them earlier and in the dream context of having just seen a doctor recently too. I wondered why I hadn't told the doctor about them. Maybe they weren't there at the time? This was all at the end of a long and odd dream.

The preceding segment, I was with H at some guy's house. We were just loading up some cabinet "from the sound of music" or something into the van. Fairly dark wood, polygonal top, gold double trim along some edges, namely the top's sides. Was a bit like an end-table/cabinet. The guy who'd sold it to us had curly hair and fit some generic archetype of a musician. He commented something like "I hope you won't use it, and just store it safely in a bank", obviously still sentimental about it despite selling it. I thought to myself that there was no point in doing that, why had we bought it then. H didn't comment, I think.

I had arrived on foot at this place, having expected to actually go home before I got here but for whatever reason I had come across H in the dark street just in front of this guy's house. H's van was on its left side and H had taken the roof off it somehow. Had a determined look and was moving some reel tape boxes on a shelf just behind the bulkhead. Gravity didn't seem right, like it was working in multiple directions at the same time. Didn't notice me for a while, but it was like I wasn't there either. Pre-lucid thoughts about how the van being like this was very dreamlike. The thoughts didn't cross the required threshold however and I didn't do any reality checks.

Preceding that, I had been walking along streets of some version of the town we live in now. It was night time and wet, I can remember the reflection of red traffic lights on puddles. It may have been raining too while I walked. I remember the majority of my walking time I had been looking at Whatsapp on my phone. There were messages from H and loads from other people, but I promptly dismissed or ignored the ones from other people as I noticed them.

When I started walking it was day time, sunny and dry. I remember there was this garden, belonging to a bad man. I felt like burning it down just before I'd left it. I walked across the little fields to get to the pavement and there were some odd roots or vines that had a planty mouth, and they shot chocolate ice cream or something across to the other side of the street. The little fields had vegetables planted, mostly carrots and turnips? But the root of the vegetables was very visible, not just the top of the plants.

I got to this place after walking outside from another place where me and a bunch of other people were. Everyone had just found out that this man who owned these little garden/field things was a bad person, because of the testimony I gave them publicly, plus the testimony of two other people in the room. I was glad that they had spoken up. This indoors place was a bit like the fun centre at the mall near my old town. Odd lighting to the place.

This man had apparently been building illegal mini race track things but there was something more insidious about him. I had just come down from an indoors ramp of sorts when a girl about my age confronted me about it, she had a worried look on her face. In the preceding segment I had been helping that man build this thing. But I stopped helping him as soon as he asked me to poop somewhere, as part of the building effort or something and to do something with it. I pretended to have no issue with this and just told him there was no way I could possibly just do it whenever I wanted and that I was fairly "irregular" anyway. I thought at this point of asking for the pay he'd promised but realised immediately he'd be a bastard, so I didn't and at that point I just wanted out of there and away from him.

Finally, the earliest point in the dream I can remember was something about a forest and a sort of top down view. It was where I first noticed for myself these mini race track things, some floating over some kind of black abyss void.

Dream Fragment:

Something about Kaiju/Godzilla? Vague visual recall of some scenes where Godzilla was walking through a city.

Dream Fragment:

Some mini dream sequence about the automatic act of shaving. Probably caused by a lingering intent of wanting to do since yesterday.

---

Notes:
- When I woke up from the long dream, I was sweating, which is what typically has been happening when I get long and intense or vivid dreams.
- The panic-type feelings stopped as soon as I woke up and didn't carry over into wakeful awareness. This wasn't what I'd consider a bad dream, just an odd one.
- The things that were on my chest and etc. seemed like the symptom of something but I don't remember them being painful or anything.
- There were several other dreams that I had fragments of, but I didn't make note of them and couldn't hold them through writing the rest of this.

A particularly long dream. I had other dreams from earlier awakenings, but again I did not make any notes because of how tired I felt, it felt like too much effort. The other dreams weren't as vivid as the long one anyway.

Edit: Self-memo: The original dream notes for this dream are not as extensive because I stopped writing them when I started writing this DJ entry to try and get as much detail from the lingering dream memories.

---

Dream:

Starting from the end back; when I was woken up by H placing their hand on my head and speaking to me in waking life, I was walking with some determination towards a parked yellow car in the distance, at an earlier location that was prominent in several parts of the dream earlier; beside the car were shows, yellow too and this was important to me in the dream for some reason. On waking up I had a slight annoyance that I couldn't get to them now that I was awake, but this lingering feeling passed quickly.

This place was a distorted version of the area immediately outside my old home. It was day time, early morning with beautiful sunlight and the cul-de-sac was three or four times longer than it should be, somewhat wider too but not half as much as that. The whole area also sloped up gently on the more distorted side (the side that I never had much reason to be in). There was a zig-zag of pavement with cars parked along it, many of which were red or yellow, many being a mix of the two, like a VW type van which was mostly red but had a yellow boot door.

I had just been at a door to a shop of some kind? I was with Ni and a kid from my childhood, but I don't remember exactly who it was, possibly P, short dark hair, spiky? At this door, Ni asked if my shoes could be painted yellow there and some voice or something decided "no". At this point in the dream or earlier I remember looking down and seeing I had some sort of fabric shoes, like those that we often used for indoor gym classes in my childhood. The shoes were white, as they would be, but for some reason, I had yellow sweat pants, the same tone of yellow as every other yellow that had shown up so far in other dream elements. I remember thinking the white and yellow matched fine, but for some reason this wasn't enough to stop me from wanting the shoes to be yellow too.

Before we got to the shop and we were walking "up" the cul-de-sac, there was a more normal layout. There was a truck double-parking behind some cars, all too common, but it supposedly had dye or paint of the colour I wanted but it had been at this point that Ni and the other one appeared and "guided" me toward the door. I was a bit disappointed because I was sure the truck's paint would be fine, though after they appeared I got the impression maybe I was going to be stealing from the truck or something.

Up to this point I had been running around and faffing about on the more prominent dream location immediately in front of my old building. It was like a room but not. There were sofas and other things typical of a living room I think, but there was this big group of kids, mostly teen girls and some teen boys. I was annoyed with them because of what they'd done before, and because they were being passive-aggressive to me now too. I was looking incessantly for a laptop that I knew I had left on a table in the middle of these sofas, but these teens had moved everything since I had last been here in the dream, everything was covered in their stuff; bags, coats, etc. I remember looking through many laptop-bag like bags but it wasn't in any of them. I even looked in a bag that had a multi-bag tag* to it. After looking in that bag I remember something about a text command which may have been why I couldn't find it, but at that point I got distracted by someone and then the whole yellow shoes thing began.

Before that, I remember going through a wide hall, the exit for which was on the wall of the building and lead to that sofa area. The hall was dark, with an impression of night time to it despite being indoors. There were two of these teen girls doing some kind of work out on some bars on the ceiling, practically twisting themselves around the bars in some kind of pull-up exercise. They looked at me with mocking faces, I was very annoyed with them at this point already.

Before that part, I remember being in a forest on the other side of this hallway-tunnel. I think I was heading toward it when I had tripped and the group of teens, who I was walking together with, started to kick me. The girls were especially mean, kicking me very hard and then when it was over I remember feeling like it was all going to bruise. I felt angry that they abused me as a group and I could see some sort of interface thing that showed me their avatars, their nicknames and how many times each of them kicked me. I told myself I was going to keep this to report them and to show at a hospital when I got there for treatment. At this point I was convinced I was going to go to a hospital, as soon as I could, because I was afraid of massive bruising over my body, especially my face and head. Maybe I was concerned about internal bleeding too or something. Although in the dream I don't remember pain as I would from waking life, I still had a dream perception of having been extensively hurt.

Before this, I remember a fairly peaceful forest, day time, possibly afternoon judging by the yellowed colour of the light. It was a specific type of pine forest typical of my native country, the ground was dry I seem to remember, despite a number of ferns here and there or grass. There had been something about socks and the laptop at this early point of the dream but unfortunately I'm having difficulty recalling anything else; I have the feeling there was a transition of scene before this that put me in that forest, but I can't remember details before it.

---

Notes:
- When I was 8-10 is when I knew Ni and potentially some of these teens.
- I remember at that age there was someone I knew from school who had some gold nike shoes or something. I remember liking the shoes, especially because of the gold colour, as I've always been partial to gold.
- The main reason I can think of for the antagonism in the dream is because at school I had a very difficult time getting any of the girls from my classes to like me, even when I was being nice it'd often be the case that I was ridiculed, something that I think was partly driven by boys that these girls did like.
- In the dream I think the yellow shoes thing was something about making a point.
- Although the dream heavily featured things from my teen life (11-17 mostly), I didn't have the perception of being any younger than I am now; I think a lot of these types of situations in dreams for me are always with me being my current age because I don't particularly feel any different now than I did from 5, 10, 20 years ago, aside from my pain problems.
- More of a passing thought: At school I was almost always the youngest in a class, or amongst the youngest. In my family I am the youngest too, and interestingly Ni (who basically tried helping me in the dream) is one of the younger ones in his family, too.
- The contents of the bag that had the "multi-bag" tag were "quantic" and could be accessed from other bags too, a feature I've often used in modded Minecraft, incidentally a game I started playing in my late teens before it was even popular or had such extensive modding.

Dreams for the mornings of 26th, 27th and 31st of March. 26th and 27th enclosed in spoiler to reduce general length of the DJ entry.

The last few days I have had decent dream recall from morning awakenings but I have felt too tired to make initial notes for them (28th,29th,30th). Sleep has been unusual for this past week, keep getting up too late despite several normal awakening times but might be starting to improve again.

---

26th:

Spoiler for 26th content:

Dream Fragment:

One of the earliest dreams I remember, it was quite a vivid dream but I didn't make note of it until a later awakening so details were lost. Basically a giant/anthropomorphic sex scene of some sort? (Self-memo; see original note for a few more details)

Dream:

On a planet covered in cities but also wide ravines with lava at the bottom. The buildings weren't very tall (no more than twenty stories each) and some were on the edges of these lava ravines. I remember grappling between the buildings at high speed with some Oort grapples? It was like a game and another player saw me and followed me along with their own grapples, which annoyed me initially. From the building tops I could see a sunset to the right and a coastal area. Opposite to that, on the left, was more city but in smaller density and no lava ravines; it was also progressively darker/duskier the more I saw toward the left. I headed in that general direction with the grapples.

Transition of some kind possibly.

A mix of McGee and a high school friend. He was flying with a jet pack and I was flying with a massive and single jet engine that I had strapped on my back or something. But it was too heavy so I kept touching the ground instead of simply flying up/forward, which made the momentum sort of reset.

We were flying or racing along some roads, there were trees either side of the roads and the trees made a sort of canopy over the road. I remember moonlight coming through the leaves.

27th:

Spoiler for 27th content:

Poor recall, woke up unable to focus. There were other dreams from 7AM onwards but I didn't recall enough details to go into any of them as I made my initial notes.

Dream:

This was the last dream, which took place in a town. It was a bit busy and I was with someone, possibly H. We'd just been at a detached/semi-detached house? and we were going to cross the street. I remember it was day time but possibly near the end of the day. A purple van driven by a woman was backing up and parking on the driveway to the right of the one from the house we'd just left.

Her van was supposed to have some vynil stickers on the side (auto-intuitive dream knowledge) but for some reason it had an error message of some kind, which in the dream I briefly realised wasn't supposed to be the case. The street was quite wide, like six lanes wide, three going either way. The road was on a slope and the incline increased quickly after a certain point going down, around where it also cornered.

We watched for traffic and crossed the street, then walking up the street on the other side. This side had no driveways whatsoever; it instead had a tall building, of which I only remember the wall, with no windows (understood it to be the side of the building). The wall was cream coloured, typical of my native area. At the top of the road, where it met a perpendicular road, forming a T junction, it looked extremely complicated and traffic along the perpendicular street was very busy. I remember we crossed to a little pavement island in the middle of the junction. For whatever reason, some people I knew from early years of school (8-10 years of age?) were there. I spoke to one of them about electrical power and I suggested putting a generator here.

Then an interface overlay appeared and I could see "slots" on the pavement islands that could have had houses built there, so that was why I was suggesting the generator, instead of the houses apparently. In the interface I got the feel that the generator would be placed underground, beneath the road, should it come into existence. The dream ended soon after.

31st:

I had some sort of pre-sleep half-dream. I was starting to "paint" with just my mind (telekinetically) and was having ideas for a new painting and what I might paint next in my art room.

Dream:

I was in Sweden. I was with one or both of my Swedish friends and we were in their metro system. The stations were tall and spacious, but what really caught my attention was the shapes of the architectural structure. A lot of long and abstract shapes (just the kind of thing I'd like to build with concrete) and all of the stations we went through were mostly concrete, which I think my friends disliked. I think I liked it despite the lack of colour just because of the shapes.

The stations were very well lit and quite busy. I remember we went through one station on the train and there were small island platforms with crossings between them that went down on the rail level, which seemed to imply a high degree of self-responsibility from people.

Another part of the dream or a different dream, I was trying to get to or from university?

Dream Fragment:

Something like the cities game I've played recently, but mixed with actually travelling through the city. I was trying to manage some sort of power dams, three of them to be exact, and they were using water from a mountain like a custom map I made in WL that had a dormant volcano lake.

There were some flow issues eventually, especially because the water was getting completely drained by the dams and this disrupted where it wanted to flow; the water from the source started making its own way in opposite directions and this annoyed me.

Dream Fragment:

In some kind of office. I remember the typical fake ceiling and light fittings. It must have been afternoon; there was a nice and golden light coming in through blinds that covered the windows. The dream focus was on two characters. A stereotypical "madame" and her butler. She wanted to check if she had won some prize with this organisation which did travel tours as rewards? She was obviously naive with her direct interactions with people and the world. Someone representing the organisation felt a bit odd and sinister.

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Notes:
- The pre-sleep state was interesting because it was like what I used to get as a child, just not as strong. It came on very subtly and on its own.
- That state's content was a conscious decision, because I quickly understood that I was more creatively receptive at this stage compared to normal thought, just a shame I didn't interrupt it to make any notes about the painting ideas.
- I was a bit disappointed to not have made notes about the sex dream right after it had happened. In the last few days during the first morning awakenings I have dreams with great recall and think to myself of short word descriptions for the dreams so that I can remember them even if I fall asleep but this technique hasn't worked very much so in conclusion I really need to just write down dreams as soon as I can if I'm likely to fall asleep again.

Some non-lucid stuff that I can remember from this morning. Only made note of the first dream in my initial morning notes.

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Dream:

I was with dad, I think at a mall. It was like the one close to home but it was different somehow, though I had the same sense of familiarity. We were walking through the large and bright halls and as we turned around a corner we stopped, because I spotted this shop that sold ice cream and other stuff, like some pastries typical of my country and cotton candy. I wanted some of these deep fried things they had, even though I didn't feel all that hungry. I think it was just because it's been so long I had any. Not sure what dad wanted, but ice cream I think.

We approached the counter and two other people were being served. There were two guys behind the counter too, so I thought one of them was available and I pointed at something and asked about it. Before there was any reply, dad said "let the other people get served first" but for some reason, in the dream's context I had the ability to snap my fingers to toggle how busy the dream location was. Doing this had a completely intuitive feel. I did snap my right hand's fingers and the people being served simply disappeared, as did many other people walking by around us.

Now I asked about the food thing again. He explained they were long deep fried "waffles". Some were flavoured banana, strawberry or vanilla, with the possibility of a crusty looking chocolate topping, although I think it was more like icing.

I asked for one of the vanilla waffle things. While I was being handed my waffle and then tasting it, I think dad was getting something for himself. The taste was somewhat overly sweet, and bland at the same time (dream characteristic which didn't phase me), but it didn't taste of vanilla very much at all. My problem with the taste however, was the texture, as I was expecting something nice and crunchy, but it was completely soft. I felt disappointed and the few bites I took made me feel full really quickly anyway. I don't remember what I did with it and I don't remember either of us paying.

Then we continued walking through the mall, but into a different section which wasn't as open or light. In fact it felt pretty dark despite there being lights on. We walked into a supermarket inside the mall and I remember wandering around looking for something, but I don't remember what anymore. Eventually, empty-handed I went to the checkout area. I'm not sure it was dad that was with me anymore at this point.

But at the checkout there was a couple, they were buying a desktop computer oddly enough and they wanted help from an attendant because the computer "weighs 24kg and we can't carry it", I thought to myself that despite my weakness, this couple was just being pathetic or lazy. I did think about the effort of carrying it all the way to their car in the parking sub-levels, but I also thought it wasn't really fair to ask the attendant to do that.

Then the man from the couple started being weird, handling the computer case with relative ease he swung it around and it hit the checkout counter, on which I was sat. For some reason I was just sat there and observing. As he did hit the counter with the case, the attendant didn't even flinch like she hadn't noticed. He did it again a few times, harder this time. Now the case was visibly damaged and warped. At first the damage seemed passable, but for whatever reason I was able to look inside; I quickly told them that the circuit boards were cracked because of the metal plates pushing in and that it was no good now. The man started being upset and demanding compensation or something. Again I didn't think this was fair and either I said or thought "you break it, you buy it". The attendant seemed to be handling it though, but it made me feel no respect for this man.

There was a transition then. I don't remember where I was now, but I had some kind of interface. I could select worlds or something?

Then I remember a cutscene of some kind, it was in space. I could see several planets in a star system, and before it happened I knew the star was about to explode, and it did, in a green supernova, the planets burning away in a green flame of sorts. Strangely enough in the dream it was like I already knew about this cutscene (but it's the first time I've seen/dreamt it) so I was using some camera control tools or something to see the scene from different angles than it would normally play through.

I don't remember much else from this dream other than some vague memories of night sky and stars.

Dream Fragment:

At my old home, in my old room. I think what brought this dream on was some thoughts I had before bed about how my old room's balcony has never felt safe, and how I always fear mom may slip some day, or that I may somehow feel compelled to jump out of it (in madness or some other irrational state).

It was a sort of night time, a twilight of some kind. I walked into the room a bit further and saw my sibling T in the balcony. He had a top on but was otherwise naked, this was odd and bothered me on some level but I ignored it and we talked about something. From the balcony, below, I could see my other sibling was arriving with S in a white smart car. Then the doorbell rang and I walked out of the room and went to answer it, I already knew it was going to be L and S but I still picked up the intercomm set and asked who it was. I felt like I was being like dad for doing this (even though I don't remember dad ever doing this type of thing). L replied at first and I asked "who?" because I couldn't understand, then S spoke and her voice made it clear who they were and I pressed the button to open the building door.

Dream Fragment:

Driving, or being driven? With H. Not sure what car, but the landscape and town was a mix of my native home areas and some other places. I enjoyed the view of the nearby mountains in the dream. I remember we went over a bridge or two and there were two towns next to each other. It was day time, but sort of dark despite everything looking bright? Like I was seeing everything through heavily tinted glass, but I don't think the car's glass was tinted at all.

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Notes:
- Last night as I had the thoughts about my old room and the balcony, I did think that it might cause me to have a dream about it. It's a shame I didn't take the opportunity to think about becoming lucid should it happen, as there were plenty of cues in that dream that could have resulted in some state of lucidity, but didn't. Keeping intention of noticing dream signs seems particularly poor for me, but I really think my sleep quality doesn't help.
- The thing with the dream-controlling finger snapping is typical of something my dad does in his non-lucid dreams too, so either that knowledge has created some kind of bias on me, or it's a trait that can be developed because of our personalities, or perhaps simply hereditary somehow. A point of note about it is that I play games a lot where "control" comes easily, so it may simply be a reflection of how there's a lot of self-agency in that type of context.
- The pastry type thing I wanted from the shop was more like a churro or something, but the thing I was given didn't really look like one. I actually remember they had some churro looking things locked up in a clear plastic chest that was hung on a wall on the customer side of the counter. I remember feeling like asking about it but like it would be too much bother to get one.

Two dreams from this morning.

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Dream:

Don't remember the start of the dream really but I was seeing some pictures in a news article, I think on a newspaper. It was about two men and a woman who had returned to Earth after being in outer space, and they were being praised for their survival.

It seemed odd because I thought this to be a fairly routine thing and there was no subtext of an accident having occurred or anything.

Spoiler for Possibly gorey/graphic:

Each one of the space crew was featured in a picture each; they were naked and in hospital beds; the first man had no lower half of his body, I remember some bloody or exposed bits, including on his face, the right side of it was like burned or torn off or something. The second man had no lower half either, I remember he had sort of short and blond wavey hair. His right arm was beside him, he was lying on his side but the arm didn't seem to be attached to his body, it just looked like it was chopped or sawn off and was left next to him. He wasn't dead but he seemed to be asleep?

Something in the article mentioned "liquifacted organ failure" about this man. I remember noticing in the picture there was a bloody and jelly-like substance under him, primarily where his hips would have been.

The woman had no lower half, either. But she was clearly conscious and smiling toward the camera, both arms stretching out either side and giving thumbs up, seemingly rather positive.

Dream Fragment:

I was in a town, don't know it from anywhere in waking life but it had the typical look of towns from my native country. It had a characteristic path that in the dream's context was commonplace for me to use. The path went up to and across a small water area that was quite deep, the only way to cross it was on some rickety wooden beams. The water looked murky but clear at the same time, and I wasn't afraid of falling in, finding myself much more concerned with the fact that I realised that recently the beams had been moved and had to be adjusted now before I could cross.

I saw an old lady across from the water, she was carrying some shopping home and didn't look my way, but I heard her muttering that she wished her grandma would stop moving the beams. I had a passing thought of asking her to confront her grandma so it wouldn't happen again, but I didn't.

The dream went on for a while but I don't remember any details apart from the fact that it had something to do with aunts from my mom's side and my siblings.

---

Notes:
- The first dream was quite unusual in its content and my sense of location was more inside the pictures than where I actually was reading this article from. This morning was disrupted by loud construction work at 7AM so maybe that had something to do with it.
- The general plot of that dream may simply have come because I've been watching some medical dramas recently, although there has been nothing in them quite like this.
- I'm remembering that the second dream took place during day time but everything looked particularly grey and overcast.

Really bad headache last night, but had some semi-lucid dream as I fell asleep. Haven't been making note of dreams very much in the last few days on account of going through a phase of being too tired on waking and too many mornings having their routines disrupted.

Edit: Somehow nearly forgot an important detail here; While I was in bed trying to fall asleep I did try to incubate dreams about working on my paintings again, my thoughts on this passed fairly early on and I got distracted with other thoughts, getting somewhat vivid music and other sleep cues instead but I suppose the lucid dream did relate directly to the incubation intent. I thought I'd try working on the incubation anyway because of my headache, and it did help to distract me from it.

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Lucid fragment (on falling asleep):

I didn't notice the transition from wakefulness to dream imagery but I was in a bigger version of our front room. It was day time, my paints and the table I keep them on were there and I remember the big window. I don't think the canvas I've been working on was there. I half realised I was dreaming and walked or ran forward into the room, towards the opposite wall, which is a corner where I keep a bunch of my stuff for painting, but in the dream context it's like there would be a door there or something, even though I couldn't see it yet; I carried out some hand checks as I moved even though I was already in a type of lucidity but the stability started to go pretty quickly and I lost my half-lucid state. Sort of faded away in terms of recall after that.

The only thing I remember after that is a gap of nothingness and then some dreams from the morning, that again I didn't turn into notes.

Dream fragment from the 13th.

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Fragment:

I was in some altered version of my old home, in particular it seemed to be centred around my first bedroom in the house but the layout of everything was completely different, and the halls and ceilings were much bigger. Perhaps a reflection of the different perspective from when I was very young (4-6?), but in the dream I was just the age I am now. I think I remember daylight coming from outside. In many senses the physical context of the dream was very reminiscent of my earliest conscious memory of waking life.

There were a lot of family characters present, mostly aunts from dad's side and my direct family in itself.

I don't remember many of the details anymore but one of the main dream plots was that there was this mouse which was no bigger than my closed fist, minus the tail. For whatever reason, I wanted to build it a nest near the top of one of the walls in "my room". I remember getting some wicker type material to make the nest with, or maybe like hay. But it had a paper-like texture, at any rate. I wanted the nest to be atop a pipe or pole that would be attached to the wall (visually reminded me of a wastepipe) so that the mouse could run up and down to and from the nest. The mouse had typical light brown fur.

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Over the last two days or so I haven't been able to either retain dream memories or make note of them for multiple reasons. I do still have some scraps of memories left so maybe writing those out would be a good idea.

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Scrap, two days ago:

In the kitchen. There's a fluffy, sort of orange coloured spider thing? It's in the thing that holds loose leaf tea for brewing, maybe it's dead or not but it looked crammed in it. It's in the sink anyway, and I turn the tap on and water pours on it.

The fur absorbs the water and it gets a lot bigger. In the dream this spooks me, mostly because it was unexpected, but then it somehow becomes a bit sexual as I decide in the dream that I shouldn't be afraid of it and I show it my naked bottom, but it felt like it was partially a taunt of some kind too. I don't remember any other details except that the dream started to sort of distort, weird colours.

Scrap, one day ago:

The dream just seemed to be a Johnny Bravo cartoon or something. I just remember some really crude scene where there was a woman with her breasts bare and Johnny made a crude remark in surprise.

Scrap, today:

Lots of being outside. Day time mostly, but kind of grey. Was in a van at several points? Maybe helping H. Memory of the dream has faded more than I expected. It felt like it was a long dream sequence.

---

Some notes:

- The dream with the spider was odd. Mostly, it made me realise that while I have largely gotten over my phobia of spiders, there are still plenty of types of spider that I wouldn't commonly see in waking life, simply because they don't exist here and I think that seeing these different kinds might still make me jump a bit more than seeing the ones that do exist around here. The instinctual behaviour of getting spooked by spiders never seems to have really abandoned me even though I got over my phobia, but perhaps it's also a sign that there's still more that can be done about it.
- The sexual part of that dream probably relates to how I've realised in the past that positive emotional association can be helpful when dealing with phobia-type stuff.
- Not sure what brought on the cartoon dream, as I haven't watched that specific cartoon at all in over 10, maybe 15 years?
- Today's dream had an overarching plot to it, but I can't remember any specific detail anymore that would let me expand on the dream's detail.

Some fragments from last night.

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Fragment:

I was in some kind of starship, not unlike one from Star Trek but there was a mixed feel from several space stuff, including a bit from Starpoint Gemini. I was captaining the ship and we were headed straight for a blue-ish planet, covered mostly by water than anything else. I could see the system's star just left of where the planet was, much further away.

Some four or five other green-coloured ships appeared, intercepting and following us closely. I suggested to an officer to simply activate the cloaking device ability and could see in a third-person view from outside the ship as the field enveloped it and the other ships disbanded in separate directions. (Expectable AI behaviour if it were a game)

As we got very close to the planet, I could see everything in a sort of cinematic view and then the ship started getting close to the ground to land somewhere but for whatever reason it had to be at an airport, so the ship kept making really wide loops closing in and away from the planet surface.

Every time we got close, I could see on some disembodied interface some information about the local surface structures. I did see a fair few airports, but many of which had tractors lining up vegetables in the runways. This annoyed me slightly.

There is a transition and I am now on my own at some sort of Japanese-looking castle. It's night-time but I can see the moon and everything looks bright and blue-ish. There are some sort of holographic security features. (This part of the dream vaguely reminded me of Starbound)

Fragment:

Just a small part of some other dream, I was in a town with some friends, not sure who. We just came out of a restaurant that was closing for the night and then two of us went one way, and I wondered where the third member was. I asked my friend, who only vaguely suggested the other might have gone looking for something.

I remember wandering streets, there was a lot of light, from glowing signs and lampposts. I could see people sitting at cafes and so on.

At some point we went into some shop and I wondered again about the missing friend. The friend that was with me was fascinated and excited by rediscovering some sort of cardboard packed plastic ketchup sachets.

The next bit I remember, stuck in some sort of traffic at a four-way junction, with three lanes on each direction.

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Side notes:

• The first dream was a bit more unusual as I haven't had many dreams that take place in space, even though I've played a lot of games that do.
• The view-point changes were sort of frequent in the space dream and they felt a bit like they were made through a keyboard I couldn't quite feel. I suppose this sensation is quite similar to when I'm actually playing or writing something, where the keyboard sort of just becomes an extension of awareness, rather than existing as a physical obstacle, in a sense.
• Most of these dream fragments I am getting lately are written quite a lot later from when I had the dreams, so it's a sign that recall is improving somewhat and I am also noticing more pre-lucid thoughts at a sort of "gut feeling" level, where I am not expressly thinking in spoken words but rather getting feelings or intuition about the dreams' content.

I've been having a somewhat better dream recall average than I normally would, but haven't been taking note of dreams enough and my last DJ here was ages ago now. This is a particularly memorable dream fragment from this week.

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Dream Fragment:

First half is missing.

Was in my home city, or some altered version of it. It was day time and I was heading home on foot; there was a fluid transition to my arrival home but I've forgotten the detail of it, and when I got there it was dark at that point. My dad was in his car and approached me and told me to get in the car so we could go somewhere (for a meal or something?) - I was a bit reluctant, I was feeling in pain and really tired; mom was sat at the back with one of my brothers (T) and one of my cousins (R) was sat at the front, so I sat next to mom.

Dad started driving and very shortly after, we were going through some surreal highway that I've seen in some other dream fairly recently; surrounded by cliffs and 10-story buildings on top of the cliffs. It then turned into a rock and dirt road and there were dark abysses either side of the road, with more cliffs in the distance. I was a bit apprehensive too, but mom was starting to get quite worried and told dad, in the same way as I ever expect.

He reassured her with a smile, saying: "It's fine, I've driven on these roads loads of times!". Very shortly after he said that, we went over a bump in the road, but there was nothing on the other side. The car fell straight into one of those abysses, none of us seemingly very concerned by this, plunging into water at the bottom.

At first we didn't try to get out; I remember thinking "Well it doesn't really matter" but eventually we all got out and swam up. When we got to the surface of the water, some sort of root-like things descended toward us and took us to a sort of rocky area under a much bigger floating mass of rock.

At the centre of this area there was some sort of little shop. I remember going in and seeing all these small 4:3 CRT TV screens, each one no bigger than my head, sat on shelves, almost perfectly spaced apart. Each one of the screens had a landscape view in it, like a live feed, but not much was going on in any of them. It was a colourful shelf to look at.

As I walked along this narrow path between these big metal shelves with the TVs, something caught my attention on top of one shelf. A moonstone, but not as bright and vivid or even opalescent like one I actually have in reality. The gem was pale and sort of a sepia or cream colour but it was still slightly translucent as expected. What was odd about it was that it was encrusted with some sort of gold filigree and small golden spheres.

Start to remember less detail at this point. I remember dad went off his own way and so did my sibling and cousin. Mom stayed with me and we went outside, where it was still dark, although the direct area around wherever we went was always seemingly lit. More like the darkness was a fog made of black.

I remember seeing some bones or dead plants and noticing the floor was particularly arid. Eventually we found some building thing, which was very square. It had a brand new kitchen I think, but apart from that it was mostly just dark corridors. I don't remember anything after that point.

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A note:

I remember that in the dream the surreal landscapes felt familiar but out of place. Although I did not get anywhere near being lucid, I've had more of these moments lately where I'll have pre-lucid thoughts or recognition of a feature from a past dream.