DeepEnd

The dog fell asleep on my legs and I had taken 4 Glanamine. My dream was bizarre. I couldn’t move and I was surrounded by darkness. I kept trying to come up through layers of awareness but had false awakening after false awakening. Finally I began to recite the Lord’s Prayer and when I began singing it I came out of my nightmare. I turned over, making my dog move and went back to sleep. I was in some kind of pre-party college situation. At a friends house. But I wanted booze so I called my dad but hung up because I figured he’d judge me for calling him from that place. I decided to ask for a ride but every person I asked ignored me. Finally I got pissed and called people out on it. Someone I thought was a friend said it was because people were fed up with my smoking. (I don’t smoke) I was really mad. So I left and thought I’d find someone who I could talk to. I found this dorky guy who was into gaming and guns. We talked and actually had a lot of fun. I forgot about the old friends. At one point we were sneaking out of a building and we were climbing trees and jumping through windows I guess it’s parkour. It was really fun. I pushed through some windows on a lucid state but it was harder than usual. I need to pay more attention I think.

I took a dreaming supplement right before bed. First I had hynogogic hallucinations which were kind of entertaining. I haven’t seen things from my mind projected into the night darkness with that much clarity since I was about 6 or 7 when I was able to practice hypnogigic states naturally. Part of a newspaper formed mid air and then faded away in front of my eyes. I began having bizarre dream type logic to my thoughts. I realized what was happening and settled down to see what happened. Then the mechanical sound began in my ears and I knew that meant SP or OBE which I was not having if I could help it. I made myself move around to stop SP. I only wanted a lucid. I put on Compassion Mantra to fall asleep to and proceeded to have the most intense and exhausting night of vivid dreaming I recall ever having. I had a very interesting dream. I was immediately lucid. In my dream I felt stuck and afraid. There were negative things just at my peripherals. I followed a Buddha and the dream went in a long drawn out circle where I struggled to wake up. So I followed another Buddha and the circle began again, I could not wake up. I tried another and another and another following each with utter devotion. Still I had to begin the circle again. Each cycle was hard and exhausting and led back to beginning again. Only when I separated from the path and walked through the monsters on my own, reciting only the word “love” and facing the fear on my own was I able to finally wake up. My husband heard me struggling- asking him to shake me awake, he knew I was struggling with SP from the supplement. The dream has meaning. Ive been struggling with my temple and my teachers. Many of their words and actions seem to be counterproductive to my path. I feel that I may have to separate from them. Or I must separate my expectations from their abilities to teach me. They will not willingly bridge the cultural gap and teach me in English so I often feel frustrated.

For the fifth night I had amazingly vivid dreams. I can’t remember them because I don’t record them when I wake up. The clarity is good enough that I should have lucidity soon. It’s very exciting.

I’ve spent almost every night in the Deepdown. I remember fragments. I’ve been edging closer and closer to lucidity. I want to ask the dcs to tell me something important. I want to understand the divine nature of myself and all things. In response to this interest my deepermind sent me to a party with friends and my husband two days in a row. There are about six rooms, each room has a theme and and an activity. It is so much fun. We catch up with our friends at the end of the experience. We are also sent to help build a family members cabin in a place that looks suspiciously like the PNW. I’m trying on swim suits and covers. I wake up. I’ve been drinking a dreaming tea, I got it strait from its creator and it’s not available on Amazon yet... I ran out yesterday so sad😢 I hope I can dream tonight.

I visited the deep down this morning. I can’t renember the details, only the emotional residue. The deepdown feels like home, you know everyone, you are the perfect age . Sometimes people say they have a yearning to return to heaven they can’t quite explain. I believe the deep down is my heaven. I felt like if I was going to die, it is okay. I’m not afraid, I am just returning home. Where I am loved, where everyone knows me, it is a kind of neverland. The nights are always a shimmering summer haze, perfumed with the balmy scent of youth, crickets singing in the firkds under open starlight, lilac bushes in full bloom, fresh cut grass in shady corners of midnight lawns and the smell of anticipation and endless possibilities. My parents are young. My friends are young, I am who I am but I also return to being the primal part of who I was. I love my time in the deepdown.

I had return to my childhood home where I was now raising my children. I looked down a road from a tall window. My daughter asked me where it led to. I told her I had never walked the whole road. Suddenly I realized life was speeding by and that it was coming to an end too quickly. I knew I would never know what was at the end of that road and it cried. I wanted to know when we had gotten so old. After I woke up I felt depressed and had low energy for most of the day.