non-lucid

I am living in an apartment in a subdivision of caves in some fantasy world. Outside of our door is an infestation of baby dragons so I have to call for an exterminator. I tack a posting for the job on the bulletin board outside of the church. Apparently there is a lot of trouble with work lately so I get a pretty long line of people to interview for the job.

First is this Dwarf Barbarian with Fur armor and a battle axe that is twice his size. He tells me that he will smash and crush all dragons for a fee of 3 gold a dragon plus an extra 15 for the queen mother. I say thank you and that I will get back to him.

Next is a little weasely elf in a member's only jacket holding a box cutter. He says he'll kill all the dragons, queen included, and bring me their hides for a flat fee of 75 gold. I thank him.

Then a mage comes in wearing a bathrobe and sneakers and says that for 20 gold total she will teleport all of the dragons away and I'll never have to see them again. I say to her, well if you just teleport them away won't they just be someone else's problem then?


She sort of shifts her feet and looks down. Is this some kind of a scam where you put dragons in people's front cave yards?

I am lying in bed in my bedroom. My dog, frank, is standing on the desk across the room. She is whining and howling for me to take her outside. I open my eyes to look at her and there is a huge snot bubble growing out of her right nostirl. The bubble pops and turns into a huge stream of mucus that pours out of her nose and runs all over the desk. She is still looking at me and whining for me to get her some food.

My old hometown is throwing a film festival at the local movie theater. April and rusty and I have tickets to go see some action flick that I'm not very interested in. Before the movie starts, I tell them that I'm going to the bathroom and sneak to another theater. I am going to see the new tom hanks movie and I'm see jim carrey sitting in a folding chair in the middle of the aisle. Jim carrey is very nervous, constantly shifting his sitting position and chewing on the palm of his hand in an exaggerated fashion. I sit next to him and strike up a conversation. He says hello and we chat a bit about this upcoming film. I tell him that I'm a fan of "Man in the Moon" and "Dumb and Dumber." We watch a bit of the movie and it's not very good. I whisper that I'm going to the bathroom and sneak back to the other movie theater. I tell april and rusty that I'm hanging out with Jim Carrey and that I'll be back in a little while. I get back in to the Tom Hanks movie and Jim Carrey is on screen doing a Fireman Billish Mugging and people are stand up to leave in disgust. Now jim is really freaking out and I sit in an aisle seat a few rows behind him. I see tom hanks sitting there as well.

(something about a teenage girl meeting tom hanks on a rooftop and a very young Forest Whitaker is spying on them. The girl takes her clothes off)

Later April and I are driving to a comedy show. I call my friend Chuck and I tell him about the weird experiences I was having. Suddenly april is driving on an aircraft carrier and is driving too fast to stop in time. The car flies off the ship and into the water. I grab my wallet and my phone and we swim to the ladder and climb back on the ship. We go to a tv/waiting room and take our clothes off and wait for them to dry. A man in a uniform tells me that I shouldn't wait too long to put my clothes back on.

I am part of this experimental theater production that takes place in the banquet hall of a crappy family steakhouse. There is a small stage area in the front of the room and the chairs are all arranged facing the stage like some kind of improvised theatrical space. We are sitting around waiting for something to happen while the general manager of the restaurant paces around the front of the room looking nervous. A girl with short hair and wearing a flannel shirt walks in the room holding a guitar and the manager is excited and says that this is Macey and she is going to run our class, that she is an improv teacher. Macey smiles sheepishly at us and says that she just had band practice and doesn't feel up to teaching today. All of us in the class start stompin our feet and clapping our hands begging her to stay and teach us but she just waves and leaves.

Later my friend Marshall is directing us in a play. He has a giant theater with thousands of seats. The stage is littered with very expensive moving lights and a ratty old gray fabric couch. There is about seven of us on stage and we are all wearing very casual t-shirts and shorts or bluejeans. Everything is painted black. Marshall is directing us on the blocking of a big musical number. He has each person sing or talk a little bit then move over to where they are going to stand on the stage. He gestures to the couch and tells me that it's the most important part of the piece.

He whispers to me that now is when I do my part so I walk over to the center of the stage and all the lights come on. There is a very loud sound like an electrically charged sonic boom and I start to speak. I talk but I don't know what I'm saying and I wave my arms back and fourth. When I am finished the auditoriom, which is suddenly full of people, bursts into giant applause. I look over in the wings to Marshall and he gives me the signal to keep going. Don't stop. The stage goes dark except for one spotlight on the ratty gray couch.

I am watching a video on my Zune about McGruff the crime dog, he's helping me take a bite out of crime. He is warning me about the dangers of dream gangs in my neighborhood. He says that they are going to come and snatch my dreams. I went out to the car carrying a big blanket with my earbuds in. My focus was parked on a side street. .I wrapped the blanket around me as I looked for my car. There was a group of women around and they were looking for their cars too. It was nighttime on the street. I found my car and put some weezer on my zune. I was getting ready to go to sleep when one woman told me not to sleep over there or the gangbangers would find me. I looked back up and saw a bunch of scary dudes prowling all over the cars. That's when the old tan van with the hippy couple pull up and ask me if I need a ride. I said sure.

I get in the van and there's no seats in the back, just a mattress on the bed of the van. The girl is driving and the guy is sitting shotgun. They are singing. I lie down on the mattress and put on the video and try to watch some of it. There is a cartoon oak tree sitting in a meadow with a blue sky. A male voice says "I want to tell you about lucid dreaming. You could be lucid dreaming right now." They ask me if this is my house and I look outside the van. It is. I thank them and I get out of the van.

I walk up to the front door and my key doesn't work. I walk around the back and there's a new cement patio and lots of construction. I see a little girl and I realize that this isn't my house. It starts to rain. A Little blonde girl comes out of a sliding glass door and asks me what I'm doing. I say that I'm just a little lost but please not to tell anybody, I am going to leave as soon as I figure out a way to cover up my Zune and figure out where my house is. I put the zune in my pocket and walk over to my house.

When I get to my house it's morning time. I walk inside the back door and people are sitting in my kitchen around the table laughing and looking at papers. Ed Helms is reading from a list of my lucid dreams and laughing every couple of seconds. I sit at the table and put on my zune again. I see the Tree in the meadow and an apple falls from the tree. The voice speaks. "there are many ways to find out if you are dreaming. You could be dreaming right now" then I wake up.