Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Feeling so cold, and saw an article about this being one of the coldest winters in 100 years...

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Here are two curiosities that have been driving my brain crazy:
1) If you drive, do you drive (primarily) with 1 hand or 2? If you drive with 1 hand, which do you use? Is it the hand you write with?
I'm right handed but I drive with my left. Why? I can't remember if that was always my habit or if I started it after driving a stick-shift.

2) How is diarhea possible? Doesn't it take some time for food to digest and liquify? How is it that within 5-15 minutes of eating pretty much anything, I end up on the toilet?

Talk about DV being messed up, I can't even use the quote button.

Back to Zhaylin questions, I'm not a driver but I believe the primary hand we used for writing doesn't necessary mean you have to stick with it regardless of what activities we are doing. I believe it is very possible to train ourselves to write with both hands so it would mean that you had trained yourself to be used to driving with your left hand. Although I'm a very stubborn individual and I tend to favour my right hand over my left. It seems like after all these years, my right arm has gained much more strength than my left, I'm worried the muscles in both arms are unbalanced.

Regarding diarrhoea, the fact that you're running to the toilet after 5 - 15 minutes of consuming your food seem to signify that the waste you're disposing off is from previous meals. I've been sleeping late for a very long time, namely sleeping at around 5 am almost everyday and I noticed how a lack of sleep had resulted in some serious diarrhoea problem for me. So other than the food we consume, other things can lead to diarrhoea too.

This Minecraft song is funny and awesome but it's been stuck in my head for at least 24 hours and I don't see it going away anytime soon.

Spoiler for cleaning rant:

I have so much to do in the next 2 days it's overwhelming. My boyfriend is coming to stay here in 3 days, which is exciting. But I have a lot of cleaning to do because I'm basically moving my room to the basement. I just unpacked all of my stuff that was in boxes in storage. My floor is covered in junk/useful stuff that I need to sort through. Some is garbage, some can be sold, some I want to keep. There are I'd estimate like 400 items covering my floor which I have to sort through (textbooks, clothes, notebooks, other random stuff), and that's just stuff on the floor and doesn't include all the crap that's been stored in my drawers and closet for years. And, I've only unpacked about half the boxes I have in storage yet. I wouldn't even be unpacking those but my mom's been bothering me to do it. And my brother has been bothering me to get his business website up, and I just had to tell him I'd do it tonight, wish I hadn't.

Carrot, lol, I've thought about my arms being muscularly unbalanced too. Like, if I'm bringing in a bunch of groceries, I don't make several trips like a normal person tends to do I loop the bag handles on my right wrist sometimes to the point I can barely walk because I'm so weighed down... but in my left hand I'll carry 2 or 3 bags only
I prefer my right hand for everything except driving.

As for my stomach.. ugh.. It must be previous meals. It just doesn't make sense otherwise.

I've been sleeping a lot lately too. But, for me, it's been wonderful lol. I don't go to sleep until about 8AM and then I sleep until 6-8PM. I hardly wake up at all. I think my temperature better regulates during day time sleeping, strangely enough. The only place I could place my bed is right against a window. I have my space heater running at all times, but the chill seeps through the window and I find myself sweating a lot in my sleep and then freezing. During the day, it seems the temperature around me is more stable so my internal temp doesn't fluctuate so much. And I sleep SO much better. I've been having an exceptional number of awesome dreams too

One of my dreams from this morning was sad though. All it involved was me getting a hug and leaning on one of the former Elders/Overseers of my Congregation. He and his wife moved away, I don't even know how many years ago. 8 years, at least. I don't remember anything else about the dream other than feeling sad, alone and lonely.

I hope you feel better soon, Carrot. And keep warm, Santoryu!

My rant (as well as my anti-rant lol) is that I slept all day. But only because I'm a Farmville junkie and I'm sure most of my crops have completely withered. Thankfully, I have about 10 unwithers so it's all good
I'm also missing my puppy. She found a new home the other day. BUT, it's with the same people who gave her to me to begin with. They are VERY questionable pet owners so I feel like I just sent my baby to the slaughter. I stressed to the girl though that if the adoption doesn't work out- FOR ANY REASON- I want her to come back to me. I also told the girl that Meesha cannot tolerate the cold so she can't be tied up outside all the time. And I stressed her bad qualities- she's not house trained, she pees on beds, she eats smaller pets. I stressed that she needs to be supervised around the little kids (the youngest is 18 months old).
Cara (the new owner) is a good kid though. She sisters were the sadists in the past but they have moved away and have mellowed with age. I keep telling myself not to worry, but I can't help it.

Another (somewhat) rant is my swaying behavior. I went to the store this morning before going to sleep and I discovered I have a real problem lol. Because of Elhers-Danlos, I can sort of pop my joints out of place. I'm going to get the word wrong, but it's more like sub-laxation, where the joint extends its normal range. When I'm swaying, I do that to my hip so that ... it's hard to explain but if you've held a kid on your hip, the hip holding the kid tends to be higher or lower (depending on preference). And when I bounce my knee, I'm actually hyper-extending my knee BACKWARD.
Thankfully, I'm not around people very often. I'd be in a lot of physical pain if I was. Now I'm just trying to discover WHY I do it (boredom, habit, anxiety?) so I can break it.

Ah well, time to get back to watching Misfits then checking my farms

Oh yeah... another question for smokers. When you smoke, do you puff and inhale at the same time? I let the smoke fill my mouth and then I inhale it.
My son was talking about an e-cig smoker who had a cartridge explode and he burned his lungs badly. The way I smoke, that doesn't seem likely...

I can't sleep

If you want me to help you with things, don't treat me like shit. I mean, it's a fairly simple concept. :/

As soon as I got back from my trip, my sleep schedule instantly went to shit. There wasn't even an inertial effect or anything, just instantly disintegrated.
I think I feel asleep at 5:30 AM or something my first night back. And every other day around 3-4 AM.
I didn't fall asleep that early most of the time while camping but I always woke up before 9:30. The birds come out and the sun is shining and you can't get back to sleep if you try. But you don't want to anyway coz you feel awesome.
I woke up at 3:00 PM today. I feel like shit and I haven't had any energy since I got back either. Can't even be bothered transferring the photos to my computer. I've got nothing to do and there's not even many photos, but I just cbf.
I need to systematically transform my room, at least, to make it more natural. I think a skylight is probably in order, or just open my windows and curtains I spose, I need to keep a bird cage near my window, or maybe play some bird sounds.... actually fuck yes, I just remembered I was laying there one morning in the middle of the bush and decided to record the bird sounds, so I'll play that as my alarm clock.
Not sure what else I could do, I guess not use my computer as much and get more exercise.

Originally Posted by Taffy

If you want me to help you with things, don't treat me like shit. I mean, it's a fairly simple concept. :/

I'll say Amen to that. It's funny how some people just can't grasp that lol.

My new rant is that I am in a horribly and ridiculously melancholy mood.
Something I said to my son the other day keeps haunting me: "When you live off the good graces of others, you have no right to complain about your lot in life. Until you start doing something about it yourself."
I owed hubby lots of money (from me taking out advances) so last week was tough. We had very little food and he was without smokes for several days and he was whining about it. He grumbled how it was ridiculous that hubby didn't give us more money etc. So I said that. And my son agreed and said that's one reason he was so cranky because he wants to get a job, wants to get out of the house and do stuff etc, but seems unable.

My line of thinking is: We do nothing. We pay no bills. We exist.
The question that's been haunting me is: But why am I happy with that?

Which leads to another line of thought. I'm not happy. But I'm not sad. I'm not depressed. I'm not apathetic. I'm basically content.
Why is that okay?

I became suddenly exhausted and tried to go back to sleep but all those thoughts kept gnawing at me... which lead to other thoughts.
Why don't *I* do something about it?

Because I'm hopelessly lazy and a gaming addict.
"But you used to be so creative, so spiritual, so deep in your thoughts."

Was I really? I think I was only creative and spiritual and "deep" out of boredom. I had nothing else to do so those things filled my time.
Now I have the internet
I've always chased one "addiction" or another.

When I was writing, I would stay away for days working on the story. The same with my spiritual pursuits.

What the heck is wrong with me

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

I've been sleeping a lot lately too. But, for me, it's been wonderful lol. I don't go to sleep until about 8AM and then I sleep until 6-8PM. I hardly wake up at all.

I meant to say that sleeping late is the source of many of our body problems. I wasn't able to edit my post afterwards.

So no matter how long you slept, as long as you don't sleep in the night, it seems to make our body screwed up.

Originally Posted by tommo

I think I feel asleep at 5:30 AM or something my first night back. And every other day around 3-4 AM.
I woke up at 3:00 PM today. I feel like shit and I haven't had any energy since I got back either. Can't even be bothered transferring the photos to my computer. I've got nothing to do and there's not even many photos, but I just cbf.

Story of my life everyday. I feel like shit waking up late and unmotivated to do anything but use the computer.

I need to do something about sleeping late but if I sleep before I'm tired, I can roll on the bed for 3 hours and still wide awake.

---

Rant from days ago: My mother was yelling at me for not getting a job, slacking at home, staying up late waking up late and all the usual stuff. Then we got into a big argument and we didn't talk to each other for days, till I break the silence and started talking to her. Makes me wonder is it her pride that's stopping her from talking to me because she feel she's in the right? And it also seems like our relationship is pretty fragile, we can get into another argument and cold war for a couple of days if I tried to disagree to whatever she said.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

My new rant is that I am in a horribly and ridiculously melancholy mood.
Something I said to my son the other day keeps haunting me: "When you live off the good graces of others, you have no right to complain about your lot in life. Until you start doing something about it yourself."
I owed hubby lots of money (from me taking out advances) so last week was tough. We had very little food and he was without smokes for several days and he was whining about it. He grumbled how it was ridiculous that hubby didn't give us more money etc. So I said that. And my son agreed and said that's one reason he was so cranky because he wants to get a job, wants to get out of the house and do stuff etc, but seems unable.

My line of thinking is: We do nothing. We pay no bills. We exist.
The question that's been haunting me is: But why am I happy with that?

Which leads to another line of thought. I'm not happy. But I'm not sad. I'm not depressed. I'm not apathetic. I'm basically content.
Why is that okay?

I became suddenly exhausted and tried to go back to sleep but all those thoughts kept gnawing at me... which lead to other thoughts.
Why don't *I* do something about it?

Because I'm hopelessly lazy and a gaming addict.
"But you used to be so creative, so spiritual, so deep in your thoughts."

Was I really? I think I was only creative and spiritual and "deep" out of boredom. I had nothing else to do so those things filled my time.
Now I have the internet
I've always chased one "addiction" or another.

When I was writing, I would stay away for days working on the story. The same with my spiritual pursuits.

What the heck is wrong with me

You were a mother for years right, and still are for (one?) kid.
Now they are mostly moved out, you don't have to do anything. Your husband still gives you money because that's what couples do, share the money.

I feel similarly regarding being creative out of boredom. I was never spiritual as a kid, more just enjoyed learning and building things and pulling things apart etc.
But I get what you mean, obviously it's the same thing, distractions took over.
I would rather play games or have a wank or watch movies and tv shows than learn something now or try to actually figure out a problem.
I guess maybe the people who don't get distracted enjoy the other things more. Or maybe just enjoy distractions less.
Or maybe they have some sense of duty and so do things that are less looked down upon as a waste of time.
There are probably a few reasons.

It kind of sucks that I don't do any of that anymore. I've been lamenting about it over the last few days, more so than usual.
I feel like I've actually gotten really dumb, I can't figure shit out now even when I try.

Fuck, I was supposed to be showing how it's not that bad to you, but then I just went off on my own depressed tangent.
Still, don't feel bad about "living off the good graces of others", coz you're not really doing that.
Work on doing stuff you enjoy, but don't feel bad if you just don't enjoy that stuff anymore.
Try saying to yourself that you'll just write for 5 minutes, and then stop and play a game.
You'll find that you just want to keep writing.

Originally Posted by Carrot

I meant to say that sleeping late is the source of many of our body problems. I wasn't able to edit my post afterwards.

So no matter how long you slept, as long as you don't sleep in the night, it seems to make our body screwed up.

This is true. Night shift workers are much more likely to die early and also have heart attacks more often.

Originally Posted by Carrot

Story of my life everyday. I feel like shit waking up late and unmotivated to do anything but use the computer.

I need to do something about sleeping late but if I sleep before I'm tired, I can roll on the bed for 3 hours and still wide awake.

Ugh, this is so annoying. The hardest part is waking up early so you can sleep earlier. But then when I finally wake up earlier I just end up staying up late anyway coz I decide to watch some movies or something and end up ultra tired.

You were a mother for years right, and still are for (one?) kid.
Now they are mostly moved out, you don't have to do anything. Your husband still gives you money because that's what couples do, share the money.

Yeah, my oldest (19 yo) still lives at home.
The problem with "sharing" the money is it's more like me having to beg for money lol. But in hubby's defense, I blow money quite easily. I mean, why do I "need" more than $200. a week when I have no expenses. $70. goes right down the pot right away on my smokes alone. Then add at least $15. for my sons smokes If I could kick the habit, that would be extra money in our pocket for stuff like decent food.
I spend $5. a day on my hotdogs and soda which is what $35. a week. Why do I still insist on buying hotdogs when they no longer agree with my stomach?
So that's $65. a week for everything else?
My meds cost $20. once a month. Caffeine and Ranitidine adds another $8. a month. Bird food is $3. and dog food is less than $20. But I can't manage to save any of that $65. so one week is really rough, which means I take out advances.
Not to mention when I spend a day visiting my daughters which is $100. But now that they've moved, I don't know how much to allocate to it.

I feel similarly regarding being creative out of boredom. I was never spiritual as a kid, more just enjoyed learning and building things and pulling things apart etc.
But I get what you mean, obviously it's the same thing, distractions took over.
I would rather play games or have a wank or watch movies and tv shows than learn something now or try to actually figure out a problem.
I guess maybe the people who don't get distracted enjoy the other things more. Or maybe just enjoy distractions less.
Or maybe they have some sense of duty and so do things that are less looked down upon as a waste of time.

I WANT that sense of duty. I'm a spoiled 38 year old child who selfishly does whatever fancies me at the time. Knowing that doesn't make me change my ways though

It kind of sucks that I don't do any of that anymore. I've been lamenting about it over the last few days, more so than usual.
I feel like I've actually gotten really dumb, I can't figure shit out now even when I try.

Back in my stripper days, I would sit at the bar with some electronic gadget I had at the time which was a dictionary/thesaurus and had "games" on it for learning new words and such. I could spend hours on that thing.
But again, what else was I to do?
I definitely sympathize!

Fuck, I was supposed to be showing how it's not that bad to you, but then I just went off on my own depressed tangent.
Still, don't feel bad about "living off the good graces of others", coz you're not really doing that.
Work on doing stuff you enjoy, but don't feel bad if you just don't enjoy that stuff anymore.
Try saying to yourself that you'll just write for 5 minutes, and then stop and play a game.
You'll find that you just want to keep writing.

rofl No problem
I just *can't* write anymore. I get too caught up on "accuracy" which hinders the creative flow and annoys the hell out of me.
I like my games so much because they serve as my creative outlet. I LOVE decorating my stupid farms. Within 2 days, I can have 1 million gold that I can spend on decorations or new animals.
Everquest 2 was even more ridiculous In one of the homes I bought there was a floating island. I had to make, dear God I no longer remember, but it was at least a couple hundred tables which I proceeded to stack on top of each other in such a way that I made a spiral staircase to it EQ2, however, costs $15. a month to play whereas Farmville is free

My rant is that I feel like barfing. I'm also very jittery. Don't know why to either. Ahhh, caffeine on an empty stomach I forgot I popped a pill about 30 minutes ago.
I'm also ranting because I STILL cannot post normally. I cannot edit my posts. And I disabled my firewall and Norton and tried installing the Windows 7 update again... and once again it failed. So now I'm downloading a "System Update Readiness Tool" and if that doesn't work I just might scream.

to everyone.

Man, since I can't even make a DJ post, because the thingmygigger makes a blank page, my dream recall has been going down the drain lately. I have yet to recall any dreams for the past 3 days man.

THREE DAYS. I know that's not the end of the world, and that me not being able to post on my DJ correctly yet has nothing to do with my recall means I'm really stressed out.

God, it feels so weird not remembering dreams for 3 days. I feel....normal.

Ew.




That's disgusting.

Back in my stripper days

Man......I KNEW IT!

And two hundred a week sounds really low. I pay 100 a week in child support. That's for one kid who doesn't smoke has kids that smokes or animals.

Anyways. My rant is I was supposed to go out on a second date whith a girl, but she never called back. Her loss I guess.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

I WANT that sense of duty. I'm a spoiled 38 year old child who selfishly does whatever fancies me at the time. Knowing that doesn't make me change my ways though
There are probably a few reasons.

Wait, you're 38? Could've sworn you were older. Go out and find yourself a sugar daddy
Yeah, I want that too. Would've been good if I could have kept thinking that saving pet's lives was a noble cause.
But no, I just had to go and smoke weed and start opening my mind and realising that it really doesn't matter, and there will always be more pets that need help.
And I had to learn more and realise that people will keep breeding dogs that have serious health problems because they look "good" and make money.
And no one gives enough of a fuck to help wild animals, so their habitat will just keep getting destroyed by humans and we'll put some of them in zoos but what king of life is that?

It really sucks, but that was the only sense of duty I had and I lost it. So I don't know what I'm gonna do now.... don't know if I can get it back.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

rofl No problem
I just *can't* write anymore. I get too caught up on "accuracy" which hinders the creative flow and annoys the hell out of me.
I like my games so much because they serve as my creative outlet. I LOVE decorating my stupid farms. Within 2 days, I can have 1 million gold that I can spend on decorations or new animals.
Everquest 2 was even more ridiculous In one of the homes I bought there was a floating island. I had to make, dear God I no longer remember, but it was at least a couple hundred tables which I proceeded to stack on top of each other in such a way that I made a spiral staircase to it EQ2, however, costs $15. a month to play whereas Farmville is free

Maybe you could get something like Second Life and make and sell stuff on there? Don't see why not.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

My rant is that I feel like barfing. I'm also very jittery. Don't know why to either. Ahhh, caffeine on an empty stomach I forgot I popped a pill about 30 minutes ago.
I'm also ranting because I STILL cannot post normally. I cannot edit my posts. And I disabled my firewall and Norton and tried installing the Windows 7 update again... and once again it failed. So now I'm downloading a "System Update Readiness Tool" and if that doesn't work I just might scream.

It's not your computer, DV is being gay.

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

God, it feels so weird not remembering dreams for 3 days. I feel....normal.

Ew.




That's disgusting.

lol

Rant #1: There are so many threads to check and/or respond to. ;-; These last few days have been kind of hectic, and I've been kind of lazy.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

I became suddenly exhausted and tried to go back to sleep but all those thoughts kept gnawing at me... which lead to other thoughts.
Why don't *I* do something about it?

Because I'm hopelessly lazy and a gaming addict.
"But you used to be so creative, so spiritual, so deep in your thoughts."

Was I really? I think I was only creative and spiritual and "deep" out of boredom. I had nothing else to do so those things filled my time.
Now I have the internet
I've always chased one "addiction" or another.

When I was writing, I would stay away for days working on the story. The same with my spiritual pursuits.

What the heck is wrong with me

This basically defines my life.

Originally Posted by tommo

I feel similarly regarding being creative out of boredom. I was never spiritual as a kid, more just enjoyed learning and building things and pulling things apart etc.
But I get what you mean, obviously it's the same thing, distractions took over.
I would rather play games or have a wank or watch movies and tv shows than learn something now or try to actually figure out a problem.
I guess maybe the people who don't get distracted enjoy the other things more. Or maybe just enjoy distractions less.
Or maybe they have some sense of duty and so do things that are less looked down upon as a waste of time.
There are probably a few reasons.

I'm guessing that the last two things play a large role, at least those seem to be the things that I lack. I genuinely like those other things too, just not as much as the distractions.

Rant #2: Heh, you want to talk about a motivational issue? It seems more and more all of the evidence is pushing toward the fact that if I didn't smoke all the time and took the tiniest amount of effort to write in my dream journal every day, and nothing else, I would probably have one or two lucids a night. Guess I just prefer not being sober during the day to having infinite possibilities at night.

Anti-Rant: I did have two lucids this morning though, and one of them was pretty awesome. I got chased by cops or something while soaring around a city in a flying black sports car.

Rant #3: Research cases really need to distinguish between different types of OCD more. I've been reading more into the differences between things like OCD and tic-related OCD, which are still very similar because even the neurotransmitter receptors they seem to be linked with (dopamine and serotonin, respectively) are closely tied, but there are some important differences. I'm fairly certain I have the latter, which seems to be the stronger one, and I'd like to be able to find more about it definitively but it's hard when all the studies just cover OCD in general. I did find a single one which studied neurochemical differences between the two and found that there were some significant factors, so I can't just ignore those differences now. :T What really interests me about it right now though is that I found a study where it said that three out of ten OCD patients, the ones who had stronger symptoms, had sleep onset REM periods, i.e. they started having REM sleep pretty much immediately after going to bed. Unfortunately their further tests weren't as conclusive, but the thing is they did find some trend and they never distinguished between OCD types, so it's possible that it could effect some people but not others. The main reason that it interests me though is that, when I don't take something to suppress REM at the beginning of the night (melatonin) or knock myself out cold (weed, alcohol), it's not uncommon for me to get some vivid hypnagogia at the very beginning of the night and sometimes slip into dreams from it. I wonder if I'm missing out on a chance to take advantage of sleep onset REM periods here? >.>

I'm sick as shit, got christmas test tomorow and my hands are cold.

It won't let me click 'reply with quote' but this is a reply to Alyzarin's #3 rant. I've never tried to look for research done on OCD, but when I was younger I had both types quite badly. They're better now, although I still get them occasionally, particularly while stressed or thinking about it. What bothered me was that I knew they were different since they felt different, but I was told they were neurologically the same. I still kinda always thought they must be at least a bit different neurologically to explain why they feel different, but didn't voice the opinion, and this is the first I'm hearing of it since then, so I'm glad I read your post.

One of the types of OCD I get is at a more conscious level. I think "if I don't do [action], [something bad] will happen." I know that it's unlikely true but the [something bad] is so terrible I can't stop thinking about it, and the action is usually so mundane I always ended up doing it. This one I don't get much anymore and was the easiest to stop. The thing with this is, I still don't know if this is even OCD. I might not have the other type of OCD and this may be something different. Since it's all done so consciously it doesn't even seem like it should have a name. But when I was little and explained this to my therapist, I was told it was OCD.

It's occurred to me that there are a few things I get, all which seem to be labeled OCD by professionals. Another comes into play while getting into habits like washing my hands a lot, which I had for a couple years a few years back. Touching anything that anyone else touched made me feel so dirty, I couldn't help imagining all the disgusting stuff that could have been on their hands, fearing they don't wash their hands after using the washroom, which I knew some people in my family did. Every time I touched the fridge or a cupboard or anything, those thoughts would run through my head and I'd need to wash my hands. It was pretty bad. Things would happen like, I'd think I was done preparing my food so I'd wash my hands, then I'd remember to put salt and pepper on it, but after grabbing the shaker I'd have to wash my hands again, then I'd remember I had to put something away, ..... This seems to be labeled as OCD too but again it feels different.

Then there are ticks, and I agree they're the most difficult to get rid of. Although I don't suffer from them often anymore, it's hard not to experience them at certain times like now when I'm thinking about it. This can be compared to a desire to itch, or perhaps for anyone who's tried to WILD and has experienced that need to swallow (or maybe only people who have this type of OCD in the first place experience that). This one sucked and made life miserable for me from the ages of like 7 to 11 (or something). Anyway, society seems to be bad at labeling OCD. They'll misdiagnose it too. If someone is really clean and organized, it will be assumed that he must have OCD. Worse is that few people seem to understand what it is, how serious and uncontrollable the tick one is. Too many people have just assumed I'm making an excuse. It's like they think the 'tick' one is the same as the first one I described. When I say I need to bend my arm or something, a common response will be "what will happen if you don't?" which shows they don't understand it's like the need to scratch an itch.

I had to get a mole removed last thursday..
It hurts, i think its infected EVEN THO ive been cleaning it twice a day and using polysporin.
Today it hurt more than usual so i came home and took the bandaid off to clean it and check it out... SKIN CAME OFF WITH THE BANDAID
GREAT!! D:<
So now i have to wear a little bandaid where i am missing skin and i bigger bandaid where im missing a mole..

Spoiler for Gross:

aombZ.jpg
lOMMS.jpg

And im hungry and have no food, i have to wait half an hour for my mother to come get me so i can go to the Costco that just opened today in my city. Im counting on there being awesome samples and deals on stuff i actually need, and hopefully a food counter/ court type situation where i can get a hot dog or something....

Anti-rant... if I right click "edit" and enter incognito I can edit my posts

(From Auron) Man......I KNEW IT!

And two hundred a week sounds really low. I pay 100 a week in child support. That's for one kid who doesn't smoke has kids that smokes or animals.

Anyways. My rant is I was supposed to go out on a second date whith a girl, but she never called back. Her loss I guess.

rofl! I've confessed my past on here before
As for Child Support, I have no idea how the Court arrives at their decisions. My ex hubby had to pay $275. a MONTH for FOUR kids.
With this hubby, when he was still paying support for his daughter it was $1,000. a month (of course, he's a Dr. and my ex has always been a security guard or apartment maintenance man... but still)

For the crap with the girl. Definitely her loss

Oh yeah... hubby doesn't care that I smoke and have animals. He LOATHES that I smoke and would rather I got rid of all the animals. He does not take those things into consideration because if he makes my budget tight enough, I just might give in and do things his way

(From Tommo) Wait, you're 38? Could've sworn you were older. Go out and find yourself a sugar daddy

I thought I had (j/k)

....It really sucks, but that was the only sense of duty I had and I lost it. So I don't know what I'm gonna do now.... don't know if I can get it back.

I feel that way about my zeal. Screw my creativity and everything else. I want my spirituality back. I want to be a Witness again. (And now I bang my head against the wall because I did NOT say "I want to be close to God again" )

Maybe you could get something like Second Life and make and sell stuff on there? Don't see why not.

I didn't understand Second Life. I've tried it a couple times and it's just not fun. At all. lol I'm a solitary gamer though. I always felt that Second Life is extremely social.
I would LOVE to try Minecraft. I've seen so much on YouTube and heard so much about it here. But I'm afraid to. If it's something I could easily get I would never get off the computer. Ever.

Aly said

What really interests me about it right now though is that I found a study where it said that three out of ten OCD patients, the ones who had stronger symptoms, had sleep onset REM periods, i.e. they started having REM sleep pretty much immediately after going to bed.

That's VERY interesting. If I recall correctly, REM is basically when you have most of your dreams? Falling immediately into dreams is also a sign of sleep deprivation and Narcolepsy. It's one of the primary reasons I feel I have a mild case of Narcolepsy. Even when I'm not sleep deprived, I fall immediately into dreams.
BUT, I also have some OCD tendencies.

Oh and Right back at ya

Dutchraptor, Feel better soon

I hate to think how long this is getting lol. I'm not used to quoting people

Dianeva, OCD is a type of anxiety, right... but not all anxiety causes OCD?
I get tics when highly stressed. It's not an "itch" for me but the uncontrollable muscle ones. One of my eye lids tend to get a jitter and if I have to speak publicly, my head tends to snap backward every so often (but it's so subtle I doubt anyone really notices).
Thankfully, my dealings with public speaking had mostly been as skits during the "school" at my congregation which involves (usually) 2 women sitting on the platform at a table and playing out scenarios. Thankfully, I didn't have to address the audience directly and they only saw me in profile, so I'd just let my hair down and wear it to the side so they couldn't see my face at all
I don't see how tics as those can be consciously controlled. Muscle Relaxants or Blood Pressure meds helped, but it's not something I've ever been able to WILL away.
People who don't get that annoy me lol

Okay....
So my rant is that I want to SI. BADLY. I'm about to work on an old tattoo to validate the self-destructive behavior. But I'll actually be doing it for the pain and release of endorphins. BUT WHYYYYYYYYY
Mostly, I guess, because I'm sleep deprived right now. When I'm sleep deprived I want to rut and SI. Sex is out of the question, which only leaves the other.
I had an EXCELLENT session with my p-doc but I don't handle praise well. He tells me I'm capable of many things, I've just been put down (or put myself down) for so long I don't see my worth.
After praise, I feel like a disappointment. I feel like crap because I don't see the truth in the words at all. And it makes me want to lash out at myself.
I'm friggin 38 years old though! Am I still going to be cutting myself and acting like some angsty teenager when I'm 95? It's friggin ridiculous (which further disgusts me and just perpetuates me self-loathing and the need to lash out at myself lol)

And why don't people understand- least of all my p-doc- that I laugh all the friggin time? I've been on the verge of suicide in the past and I still laugh at myself. Because I'm a friggin idiot and that's funny to me (in a way). It's silly to me that I've not learned any better after all these years.
P-doc asked why I was laughing earlier and I told him you have to laugh to keep yourself from banging your head against the wall
I think he finally understood me. He told me of an Egyptian saying "The worst kind of misery is the one that makes you laugh. (Because there's no other way to react.)"
Exactly.


**EDIT**
Dear God, I've been working on this post for 40 minutes?!
Limitless That looks painful! Hope you heal quickly and get some food soon.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

It won't let me click 'reply with quote' but this is a reply to Alyzarin's #3 rant. I've never tried to look for research done on OCD, but when I was younger I had both types quite badly. They're better now, although I still get them occasionally, particularly while stressed or thinking about it. What bothered me was that I knew they were different since they felt different, but I was told they were neurologically the same. I still kinda always thought they must be at least a bit different neurologically to explain why they feel different, but didn't voice the opinion, and this is the first I'm hearing of it since then, so I'm glad I read your post.

One of the types of OCD I get is at a more conscious level. I think "if I don't do [action], [something bad] will happen." I know that it's unlikely true but the [something bad] is so terrible I can't stop thinking about it, and the action is usually so mundane I always ended up doing it. This one I don't get much anymore and was the easiest to stop. The thing with this is, I still don't know if this is even OCD. I might not have the other type of OCD and this may be something different. Since it's all done so consciously it doesn't even seem like it should have a name. But when I was little and explained this to my therapist, I was told it was OCD.

It's occurred to me that there are a few things I get, all which seem to be labeled OCD by professionals. Another comes into play while getting into habits like washing my hands a lot, which I had for a couple years a few years back. Touching anything that anyone else touched made me feel so dirty, I couldn't help imagining all the disgusting stuff that could have been on their hands, fearing they don't wash their hands after using the washroom, which I knew some people in my family did. Every time I touched the fridge or a cupboard or anything, those thoughts would run through my head and I'd need to wash my hands. It was pretty bad. Things would happen like, I'd think I was done preparing my food so I'd wash my hands, then I'd remember to put salt and pepper on it, but after grabbing the shaker I'd have to wash my hands again, then I'd remember I had to put something away, ..... This seems to be labeled as OCD too but again it feels different.

Then there are ticks, and I agree they're the most difficult to get rid of. Although I don't suffer from them often anymore, it's hard not to experience them at certain times like now when I'm thinking about it. This can be compared to a desire to itch, or perhaps for anyone who's tried to WILD and has experienced that need to swallow (or maybe only people who have this type of OCD in the first place experience that). This one sucked and made life miserable for me from the ages of like 7 to 11 (or something). Anyway, society seems to be bad at labeling OCD. They'll misdiagnose it too. If someone is really clean and organized, it will be assumed that he must have OCD. Worse is that few people seem to understand what it is, how serious and uncontrollable the tick one is. Too many people have just assumed I'm making an excuse. It's like they think the 'tick' one is the same as the first one I described. When I say I need to bend my arm or something, a common response will be "what will happen if you don't?" which shows they don't understand it's like the need to scratch an itch.

OCD is a rather complicated subject. Or rather, it's somewhat complicated but then made even moreso by our inability to just inspect each others' brain chemistry directly, and then again by society misunderstanding or being lazy with terms. If my understanding is correct (bearing in mind that it might not be, but this is based on what I've read), I'd say you probably just have tic-related OCD. If you just think of the "stereotypical" OCD symptoms that come to mind, most of them apply to both OCD and tic-related OCD. There may also be more than one variation of the non-tic-related OCD. These kinds are caused by genetics and cannot be permanently removed. Tic-related OCD also starts very early in life, whereas I believe OCD starts a little later on. The thing is, those genetic changes can't be recreated in just anyone, but many of their resulting neurochemical changes can. Because of this, things like depression can cause many of the same symptoms of OCD. This can be especially true when only considering women, as overactive serotonin transporters are found to be linked to 5-HT2A receptor polymorphisms in females with OCD. Personally, I think this dual action might be part of why you feel that you have two separate things, because that does technically make it come from two separate causes. Anyone who doesn't have OCD won't understand this because if they're always found together then to an outsider they will seem like one thing, but to the person actually experiencing it it's easier to tell when certain symptoms can be categorized separately.

All of the things you described are exactly like mine. The things like hand washing are obsessions and compulsions, and the things you described as it being like scratching an itch are definitely tics. The 5-HT2A receptor mutation that has been linked to tic-related OCD has also been linked to Tourette syndrome, so this isn't surprising. It's also been linked to predisposition to anorexia, which is thought to be why there's overlap between the two in terms of being obsessed with perfection. The obsessions/compulsions are, on the other hand, mainly linked to low serotonin, so that's where the difference comes into play. Mine also get much worse while I'm thinking about them. Do you also have a thing about symmetry? That's one of the things that is usually stronger with tic-related and I definitely have it. It's also related to stronger sexual and sometimes religious fantasies, often bizarre. Definitely have those too. >.>

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

That's VERY interesting. If I recall correctly, REM is basically when you have most of your dreams? Falling immediately into dreams is also a sign of sleep deprivation and Narcolepsy. It's one of the primary reasons I feel I have a mild case of Narcolepsy. Even when I'm not sleep deprived, I fall immediately into dreams.
BUT, I also have some OCD tendencies.

Oh and Right back at ya

I was thinking about you while typing that, actually lol. Narcolepsy is the only condition I'm aware of that's traditionally associated with sleep onset REM periods. The study I read was reporting it for OCD as a new finding. And yeah, REM is where most dreams happen, at least the vivid ones. I wonder which reason it is for you?

I guess rapidly clicking on the 'reply with quote' button makes it work. I'm about to hit submit on this post and for some reason feel like a terrible person, like I'm being judged as a bitch. I'm talking about things I don't know anything about, and although I don't try to pretend I think I know more about the subjects than I do, I get the feeling it comes across that way. I feel like I'm being judged lately on DV as judgmental and arrogant or something. I'm not trying to be, and it's only been in the last few weeks. But it's unlikely anyone notices a thing and I'm probably just being overly self-conscious. I feel like my personality is changing without my permission in a bad way.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

I thought I had (j/k)

When I read what he said I thought to myself "I thought she did", lol. Not meant offensively of course, I'm sure the relationship wasn't established for that reason. But being married to a doctor (if I remember correctly) must have its benefits.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

I didn't understand Second Life. I've tried it a couple times and it's just not fun. At all. lol I'm a solitary gamer though. I always felt that Second Life is extremely social.
I would LOVE to try Minecraft. I've seen so much on YouTube and heard so much about it here. But I'm afraid to. If it's something I could easily get I would never get off the computer. Ever.

I was thinking the same thing while reading about your obsession with Farmville. If you like creating things then you'd love Minecraft. But I understand your worry that it would be addicting.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Dianeva, OCD is a type of anxiety, right... but not all anxiety causes OCD?
I get tics when highly stressed. It's not an "itch" for me but the uncontrollable muscle ones. One of my eye lids tend to get a jitter and if I have to speak publicly, my head tends to snap backward every so often (but it's so subtle I doubt anyone really notices).
Thankfully, my dealings with public speaking had mostly been as skits during the "school" at my congregation which involves (usually) 2 women sitting on the platform at a table and playing out scenarios. Thankfully, I didn't have to address the audience directly and they only saw me in profile, so I'd just let my hair down and wear it to the side so they couldn't see my face at all
I don't see how tics as those can be consciously controlled. Muscle Relaxants or Blood Pressure meds helped, but it's not something I've ever been able to WILL away.
People who don't get that annoy me lol

I didn't mean it literally feels like an itch, just that the 'need' to do it can be compared to that. I say the ticks I experience are 'uncontrollable' but really I'm still deciding to do it, just as I decide to scratch an itch. What you're describing sounds like something else though, something completely uncontrollable that your body is doing without you telling it to, more comparable to your body shaking while really hungry or scared. Does that sound right? I've gotten random muscle jerks too but not very often and it doesn't seem to be connected to anxiety (with the exception of shaking). I don't know if it's a type of anxiety, maybe more like an expression of anxiety that some people get. But it also seems to increase anxiety, so it's hard to tell which came first.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Okay....
So my rant is that I want to SI. BADLY. I'm about to work on an old tattoo to validate the self-destructive behavior. But I'll actually be doing it for the pain and release of endorphins. BUT WHYYYYYYYYY
Mostly, I guess, because I'm sleep deprived right now. When I'm sleep deprived I want to rut and SI. Sex is out of the question, which only leaves the other.
I had an EXCELLENT session with my p-doc but I don't handle praise well. He tells me I'm capable of many things, I've just been put down (or put myself down) for so long I don't see my worth.
After praise, I feel like a disappointment. I feel like crap because I don't see the truth in the words at all. And it makes me want to lash out at myself.
I'm friggin 38 years old though! Am I still going to be cutting myself and acting like some angsty teenager when I'm 95? It's friggin ridiculous (which further disgusts me and just perpetuates me self-loathing and the need to lash out at myself lol)

I'm sorry to hear that. Is there no other way you might release the energy? Do you exercise at all? If you don't, that combined with your nocturnal-ish sleep schedule seems the likely cause of you feeling bad. I was on a similar sleep schedule a few years ago (sleeping 9pm, waking 6pm) and felt terrible, like I was living in a nightmare, and I didn't even realize how bad it had been until I started sleeping on a normal schedule again. And exercise is great for easing feelings like you describe. Even when I'm absolutely miserable and lack energy and motivation, just going for a 30 minute walk makes me feel incredible. Anyway it doesn't seem like you should be hating yourself, from my perspective at least. You're just being hard on yourself but you don't deserve it so JUST STOP. You're an incredible person, I'm sure everyone who reads your posts often would agree.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Dear God, I've been working on this post for 40 minutes?!

I think I've been working on this one for longer than that. And I have a lot of other things I should be doing...

Damn these non-editable posts! Aly that was a great post, really interesting to read, I want to reply but I'll force myself not to because I'll probably end up spending another hour replying and I need to get stuff done. Why is it so hard for me to get off of DV!?

Most of my books are printed on acidic paper, something that was supposed to have disappeared decades ago. That means most of them won't last more than about 50 years

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Damn these non-editable posts! Aly that was a great post, really interesting to read, I want to reply but I'll force myself not to because I'll probably end up spending another hour replying and I need to get stuff done. Why is it so hard for me to get off of DV!?

Haha, no worries. And thanks. There's more to it than that too, but with the brain the picture is always bigger. For instance, increased dopamine concentrations are likely related to why the compulsions are so addictive, and that could be caused by the 5-HT2A polymorphism. 5-HT2A is one of the reward receptors, and overactivity of it causes many things to be more addictive than they normally would be. It might also be related to your DV problem.

-----

A few more thoughts on narcolepsy and sleep onset REM periods. I've read that narcolepsy could be linked to large amounts of acetylcholine, which are also known to induce REM atonia. The difference between REM and non-REM sleep is actually regulated by a switch controlled by serotonin and acetylcholine. Serotonin prevents REM and induces non-REM, while acetylcholine does the opposite. I'm not sure what serotonin levels are like in narcolepsy, but I've also read that acetylcholine levels are high in OCD. Based on my knowledge of the receptors, I can only imagine that this might be moreso in tic-related OCD, as the 5-HT2A receptor releases acetylcholine. As this OCD is also linked to overactive serotonin transporters, I wonder if it's possible that the sleep onset REM periods found with patients with stronger OCD symptoms is working on the same basis as narcolepsy? Even if acetylcholine levels in the latter are higher than in the former, lower serotonin levels in the former could still shift the ratio in the same direction. Hmmm....