Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Because of a silly sexy little thing called community hall

Also, hey again Xox <3

Rave -

Decided to communicate with my mother on how that my father as a person, is about as hypocritical, absent-minded, contradicting, intolerant towards change, epitome of having a superiority complx, and much more. But him as a parent, he's been trying to do his best to make ends meet and survive...even though he's only doing it so his friends doesn't think he's an inconsiderate asshole. The funny thing is that despite all of her years that she was with him, until I talked to her about it, she admitted she had those same exact thoughts, but never found the words to describe him like that. She even understands my ambition to be the opposite of everything he stands for, and how I told her I wouldn't want to treat women like he did with his previous wives. He was clearly a womanizer when he was younger, but sadly just one of those guys who couldn't have a relationship for too long because he wants to be in control, and expects no resistance from anyone else. He even told me that he expects no resistence when I was just responding to how he would rush us to do something when we're out on the road, and I suggested he could save himself time settling the top priorities.

But of course, he gets butthurt and mentions the typical lecture a parent gives to their kid when they think they're trying to be bigshots. If your own son clearly isn't showing ambitions to assume he has the top position, and accepts that you as a father, is important to even survive until you can do so on your own, you as the father shouldn't presume I'm trying to know everything. Especially if all your life you would force concepts down my throat of being an intelligent person with their own sense of self that should aim for thinking ahead of things in life...you should've expected you'd get that result. But it seems fathers in general want to deny their children eventually being that.

"You Should Know This"
"You Should Know That"
"Why Didn't You Know About This"

Etc.

If you been through several wives in your life, if you've been a womanizer, if you treat women like shit, if my own mother that used to be with him admits to what I described to him as being truth, and even acknowledges I gave a better description than what she had, you're clearly not a good role model to look foward as a person; as as father, maybe, but we both know why you're doing it. If your previous wife admits that the child has better reasoning than you, that's even more depressing for him.

I do admit that he's an inspiration for me to not spew his ideals to my children, if I ever end up having them.

==

Yes, that was still a rave.

Days avoiding his thoughts, and now it hit me like a ton of bricks, passion and all....it always happens. The images reminds me of those front colored romance novel pictures, feeling the heat.
Example > RomanceNovelCoverArt1.jpg

Originally Posted by Xox

Good god, why do all these threads have colored titles...

My, my how it's been a while since you've lurked these depths. What a pleasant surprise.

I think i got to slow down on the coffee, maybe that's why i can't sleep proper!!! Now i'm drinking green tea!!! so i can go to sleep asap!
This is what could have happened to me when i meditated/channel too much before i slept about my dream guy! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spontan...man_combustion I literally felt flames of energy coming out of my skin!!!! My blanket wasn't even that much to make me hot....ya i know too much passionate transfers during meditation channeling energy!
But i had good dreams after that lol. but DAMN!

Originally Posted by hathor28

I think i got to slow down on the coffee, maybe that's why i can't sleep proper!!! Now i'm drinking green tea!!! so i can go to sleep asap!
This is what could have happened to me when i meditated/channel too much before i slept about my dream guy! Spontaneous human combustion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia I literally felt flames of energy coming out of my skin!!!! My blanket wasn't even that much to make me hot....ya i know too much passionate transfers during meditation channeling energy!
But i had good dreams after that lol. but DAMN!

JW, have you met this person in real life after a session to confirm you're actually communicating with him telepathically? Or could you just be imagining it?

Originally Posted by Dianeva

JW, have you met this person in real life after a session to confirm you're actually communicating with him telepathically? Or could you just be imagining it?

For all i know it's something very spiritual, it has been confirmed in dreams many times, and messages being sent from there. This person i used to know from school, so yes i met this person in real and we still have this connection ever since we separated our own ways because life changes. All i know is we will soon meet again.

And so (once again) I reach the point where tiny hitches in everyday life seem like giant ones. Why can't I just be happy? Why is everything a chore?

Originally Posted by Amurehna

And so (once again) I reach the point where tiny hitches in everyday life seem like giant ones. Why can't I just be happy? Why is everything a chore?

Because I bought I Ouija board last week, and chose you to test it on. Apparently this thing's the real deal.

I am so fed up with his shit, and he says the same, he's now moody cuz we broke for the next few days, tells me to go get a job like it's so easy to say and do. He doesn't know how it is now, jobs are scarce and i been looking for one in a year. He came here at 2009, before the economy dropped to it's lowest.

The whole left side of my jaw hurt. Swallowing saliva hurts like hell, eating hurts and even talking hurts. So annoying. It's been 2 days already... wonder what's causing this. Gonna smoke some weed tonight, it will relieve the pain a lot.

I got so fucked up last night and have a hangover now, and woke up so late, at like 2pm.

But as a rave, I guess I am getting that marker job this Fall. There's no doubt about it. The teachers choose their own markers and this one is adamant on having me mark for some reason, even after I've told her my honest concerns in my abilities. Whether she really has confidence in me, has some weird liking for me because I'm a white female and she thinks she can relate, or just pities me, at least it's resulted in something good. It's nice for something good to happen school/career-wise after all the failure lately, with not getting into university, etc.

Rave: Burned over 470 calories while cycling over 12 miles within an hour (in the gym of course because actual cycling in this hot weather is insane). Even though it's been my first time in months since doing something like that, YES.

i burn over 400 calories in the first 30mins of my workout and after that i still have another 3 hours to go.

You're going to be sore as hell.

my body is use to it. though i do worry about injury which is usually the result of improper stretching habits.

I thought about LDing all day, did RCs, got excited. I did a WBTB. I tried to WILD. In total I had 1630 words of recorded dreams which took me like an hour to type out. But no lucid dreams. Well... I had one stupid one while first falling asleep, but it was more like a half-dream, half-imagery of me going toward a blank stucco wall, and I woke up almost immediately.

It's just... so weird that we don't know when we're dreaming. All day I infused myself with thoughts of lucid dreaming, imagining having lucid dreams, imagining real dreams I've had turning lucid. If anything's the least bit abnormal I need to realize that. And during waking life I have been questioning it, even when something's a little odd. But when I'm dreaming it just doesn't cross my mind. Jumping down a waterfall into a cave with magic ghost creatures, each which tries to kill a different person but they come back to life on the surface (the most recent dream I had). That doesn't phase me. In a way I feel like I always know when I'm dreaming. That perhaps we all do. But the dream is always so strange we just don't care. We never really think about it because we're so caught up in the dream. I feel that may be somewhat true. My subconscious gives too many 'hints' that it knows I'm dreaming.

Definitely the brain activity is different while we are dreaming and I think that's most of it, but I get what you're saying - the same thing happens to me. And in the early morning sometimes I can tell I'm sleeping, but I want the dream to continue so badly I just ignore it. At the same time I don't count those times as lucid. It's just... strange how it works. Or doesn't work.

Hey la, hey la, my hemorrhoid's back.

Two days ago we got a call from my buddy's parents saying he had a "crisis" and was in the hospital, and I haven't been able to reach him since. Presumably some sort of overdose since he was taking way too much MDMA all the time and just starting to get into heroin. I feel partially responsible because I should have been hanging out with him more and keeping an eye on him, similar stuff has happened before and he's been really stupid and careless with drugs lately.

Umm turns out one of my best friends is a pathological liar, and I don't know how to deal with that other than by cutting him off completely. He's been a real dick lately, I was living with him for a while and that was just a complete mess. I saw his ex-girlfriend yesterday and she at least confirmed that he lies a lot to try to impress people, so I know I'm not just completely crazy, which I thought may have been the case.

This girl who I thought I was going to be friends with after hooking up a few times in high school apparently just wants nothing to do with me now, but she won't admit it. Everytime I want to see her she just says something like "yeah I can probably do that" and then never does and apologizes for it later. It's a very distinct pattern. I wish she would just tell me to fuck off. Also, I feel attracted to my crazy friend's aforementioned ex in a really unfortunate way, because she's one of my best friends and that's just bad news. The attraction part, not the best friend part. I'm really horrible at being friends with women. It's probably a Freudian thing.

Anyway yeah I guess I'll go buy some Preparation H, tackle the easy stuff first.

Start putting a little step-stool in front of the toilet, and put your feet up on it, so you're in more of a squatting position. It makes it so you don't have to push so hard and therefore stops you from getting hemorrhoids.



Rant:
I now remember why I sometimes hate recalling my dreams. Getting my sleep schedule back on track coz of having a job and last night I recalled pretty much everything (always had stellar recall as long as I sleep before midnight or so). Just the most fucked up shit. I don't even know why my brain thinks this stuff is important.
It's all mixtures of stuff I've thought about during the day, but those things are so trivial I don't know why some part of my brain hangs on to it all and makes dreams out of it. For example I was just recalling during the day when I was at a public toilet and some guy just stood really close to me at the urinal and looked straight at me for the whole time. Then I dreamed that the friends I was with at that place IRL were all pissing in the urinals and then my grandpa came up and started looking at our dicks and was like "god damn, you've a nice specimen" or something like that. Not sexual at all, but still fucked up.

You probably do have a nice specimen, no homo.

But yeah, I had those public bathroom dreams myself, and I find some random sex toy that looks like a Fleshlight or something, and I get the urge to use it...but like...even if I was non-lucid, it would feel weird just picking something off the ground that was probably something someone used already. Ugh, it's so annoying lol, and the same goes for those dream characters that look at you and go,

"Oh yeah, gonna unzip that aren't ya?" Yussss, you slide that down nice and slow mistah, ooooooh, look at that, all kinds of stuff right there....yeah...you keep going mistah, you keep urinating...let it out man...just let it out....Oooooh, he just went all over the place just now."

Now if it was a woman, I'd probably go,

"Yeah you like that huh? There's more where that came from, don't be shy now."

Combine that with random explosions and gunfire, and you have the most awkward set of dreams where you're wondering, "wHAT THE CUKC JUST HAPPENED HERE??!?!?"

I know the feel man, it really is awkward :s

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

You probably do have a nice specimen, no homo.

But yeah, I had those public bathroom dreams myself, and I find some random sex toy that looks like a Fleshlight or something, and I get the urge to use it...but like...even if I was non-lucid, it would feel weird just picking something off the ground that was probably something someone used already. Ugh, it's so annoying lol, and the same goes for those dream characters that look at you and go,

"Oh yeah, gonna unzip that aren't ya?" Yussss, you slide that down nice and slow mistah, ooooooh, look at that, all kinds of stuff right there....yeah...you keep going mistah, you keep urinating...let it out man...just let it out....Oooooh, he just went all over the place just now."

Now if it was a woman, I'd probably go,

"Yeah you like that huh? There's more where that came from, don't be shy now."

Combine that with random explosions and gunfire, and you have the most awkward set of dreams where you're wondering, "wHAT THE CUKC JUST HAPPENED HERE??!?!?"

I know the feel man, it really is awkward :s

LMFA0

The following rant is about only a theory... not set in stone.

I spent a lot of today researching KCC2, a transporter in the brain. This subject has pretty much been blowing my mind. I've known for a long time now that GABA, the major inhibitory neurotransmitter, is said to have excitatory actions instead in young brains, but I never really knew why until now. It's because GABA(A) receptors actually are excitatory receptors, but they're constantly modulated throughout the brain by KCC2 which causes their effect to become inhibitory instead. A slow rise in KCC2 is what causes the change to happen with age, and evidence that this is all the case can be seen in rare circumstances like where GABA is localized in vasopressin neurons; it's one of the only places without KCC2 also being present, and GABA has an excitatory action there. Disruptions in this setup have been implicated in neurological disorders particularly those related to injury or disease, but there's also some evidence that KCC2 is not functioning at full capacity in schizophrenia. That's what really brings me here.

I read that 5-HT2A receptors have been shown to upregulate KCC2 in motor neurons. I'm so annoyed that they tested it there and nowhere else! Here's where the story starts to get maybe a little too romantic, though, but I can't help thinking about it. When I hear that a receptor upregulates something, my first suspicion is that it somehow lowers its activity during the main reaction to its activation. My thought in this case then would be that 5-HT2A receptors in that area are actually inhibiting the activity of KCC2. This is something you would probably want to avoid doing on a larger scale, but in isolated areas through this kind of thing it could be safe, similarly to how widespread dopamine can cause lots of serious side effects by the time you start hallucinating from it, but if it's released entirely in the hippocampus you'll get pretty much just hallucinations and the effect can be used much more safely. The idea as far as motor neurons are concerned if my theory so far is correct, I would guess anyway, would be that activation of 5-HT2A suppresses the inhibitory actions of local GABA and therefore facilitates the activity of things that GABA would normally block, like dopamine receptors, and at higher doses could possibly even make the GABA excitatory. But here's where I have to make another leap of faith. What I wonder is, if 5-HT2A can suppress KCC2 in motor neurons, can it do it in the prefrontal cortex?

I admit, I'm always on the look for new explanations of how this system in the prefrontal cortex works, but I do think this is a pretty neat idea. Studies seem to show that 5-HT2A receptors are not directly involved in the development of schizophrenia, but that 5-HT2A inverse agonists can act as antipsychotics to help with the symptoms. They have been found to do this through the recepter heterodimer in the prefrontal cortex that inversely links 5-HT2A and metabotropic glutamate receptor 2 (mGluR2), and mGluR2 agonists have correspondingly been shown to be active as antipsychotics as well. So my first thought is of course that anything that lowered 5-HT2A activity would induce the activity of KCC2 if it worked that way, and if it was linked up in the prefrontal cortex as well then activation of mGluR2 could logically have the same effect. This interests me because of how I believe I can tie it in to the way oxytocin works in the prefrontal cortex. It induces the release of endocannabinoids which activate presynaptic CB1 receptors to inhibit local glutamate release, which leads to lowered activation of mGluR2. I've mentioned this before recently, it's how I believe cannabinoids and sexual practices like kundalini get there overlap with psychedelics. This lowered glutamate is known to cause anti-anxiety effects in healthy amounts, and this is likely at least in part because of its mGluR2 inhibition because 5-HT2A agonists can do the same. Psychedelics usually cause mainly euphoria in low to moderate doses, but the chances of things get much stranger increase dramatically the higher you dose.

The way I see it, in this theory that could be related to how little inhibitory activity of GABA people are comfortable with. It's the same kind of thing that makes some people freak out on weed while others don't; some people find that lower GABA can be rewarding by means of enhancing dopamine activity and the like while others just get anxious from it. So when you lower KCC2 activity, it's the same as blocking the regular inhibitory activity. The intense and cosmic alterations in perception that can come with psychedelics and sexual euphoria could then in this way come about from disinhibition of systems like dopamine, allowing there receptors to be more active than normal. And quite intriguingly to me, there have been some mGluR2 antagonists which were said to effect the activity of dopamine receptors in a manner resembling this.

And, of course... there's no proof, as I said. But wouldn't it be awesome? I just think the thing about how GABA switches from inhibitory to excitatory is so cool, if this theory is true it would be like those states of mind completely reconfigure your mind temporarily, which would be totally believable....

Sigh. Life is beautiful.

Missing a friend who I really shouldn't even be missing. Dammit, life... you're an asshole.