Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Originally Posted by tommo

Lol yeah, it was weird, thought you may have read it, but then you said you hadn't read anything for the week or whatever.
Shit like that makes me seriously wonder if this is some sort of simulation or minds connect somehow.
I mean I've never ever heard anyone mention low latent inhibition besides in Prison Break when I first heard about it.

It could just be a coincidence, you know. Not that I would know for sure lol.

I didn't know they talked about it in Prison Break. What was the context?

Originally Posted by tommo

I've noticed that effect, but never thought about it being lowered latent inhibition. Also had that extreme effect when smoking way too much of a strong bud once, colours almost hurt my eyes.

Definitely makes sense. If only there were some way to do this long term, even a day would be good.
I'd like to see how much my brain can handle. Unfortunately I think it is not much more than I already take in
as I have become overwhelmed a few times while smoking and I just want to retreat and not take in anything.
But that may be more to do with anxiety and not being open enough, I think

Hehe, welcome to my life. Everything I do is aimed at forcing my mind to become hyperactive. I may be horribly biased in this respect, but I think the mind can take a lot more than people give it credit for. I don't seem to ever be able to be satisfied no matter how much I put mine through. I'm pretty much just in a constant heavy craving for stimulation.

If you do ever find a way that works for you to keep your latent inhibition lowered, I would be cautious with it. Don't forget that there are a lot more schizophrenics than geniuses out there.

-----

Rant: Well, this sucks. My laptop just completely stopped charging at all, and my desktop is totally inaccessible at the moment. So basically, my internet access is extremely limited right now. I may not be making many appearances for a while. It's probably for the best, though. I'm honestly starting to become a little sick of the internet. I'm starting to wonder if I should even continue using it the same way....

In the meantime, the new manga I bought today should keep me company well.

Originally Posted by hathor28

I'm lost now O_o

So a panda eats, shoots and leaves, right?

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

It could just be a coincidence, you know. Not that I would know for sure lol.

Yeah, the chances just seem incredibly low. There are even more ridiculous coincidences that have occurred though as well which made me think that.
You're probably just the part of my brain or the machine that is trying to convince me it's not a simulation

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I didn't know they talked about it in Prison Break. What was the context?

Sarah was talking to Michael's psychologist to try to get an understanding of him, and if he was a bad person and he told her that he has that.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Hehe, welcome to my life. Everything I do is aimed at forcing my mind to become hyperactive. I may be horribly biased in this respect, but I think the mind can take a lot more than people give it credit for. I don't seem to ever be able to be satisfied no matter how much I put mine through. I'm pretty much just in a constant heavy craving for stimulation.

I'm more aimed at just getting dopamine hits I think. I just always need more pointless pleasure and contentment. At the expense of anything meaningful, too.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

If you do ever find a way that works for you to keep your latent inhibition lowered, I would be cautious with it. Don't forget that there are a lot more schizophrenics than geniuses out there.

Yeah that was what my other post was sort of about. I know I'm no way near intelligent enough to have more input than I already do. My brain struggles with what it takes in at the moment while sober. I was good on piracetam though, and I think that may lower latent inhibition as well, as I feel much more aware on it. So I dunno what the fuck is going on really.

I also came across a case of a guy on the bluelight forums IIRC, or maybe some longevity forum and he was taking massive stacks of all the nootropics and ended up in a mental institution. But he could have been going insane anyway, coz the stacks were ridiculous, but who knows.

__________________

Spoiler for more about that girl, still can't figure out what to do but I'm sure no one cares, I just need to write it down:

I got the opinions of about 20 or so people on what I should do, basically neutral parties on another site.
I got a mix of "don't be selfish", "follow your heart", "if she leaves her husband it was destined to fail anyway", "I wouldn't want to hear from you and dredge up emotions if I were her" and "I would want to hear from you and get some closure".

None of this helps really.

I wrote down the positives and negatives. Both come out to 10, but that is with sort of arbitrary weight to each consequence, which may be a bit biased, so weighting them all at 1, negative consequences come out ahead by 1.

So I drew up a flow chart to see possible outcomes, two are good, one is basically the same but at least I got to say what I wanted to say, one could leave me in the same situation down the line but at least I gave it a go, and if I do nothing I might never see or hear from her again.

So basically this doesn't help at all either.
The only thing I know is the negatives outweigh the positives, but that seems true in life with everything.
Or maybe I have left out some variables and outcomes, but I'm not going to make a decision based on unknowns.

The most logical thing to do seems to be to wait and maybe she will get a divorce. But if I'm not talking to her when that happens, I won't even know.
But if I am talking to her, I could be influencing that to happen.

This is an impossible decision.

Well, guess I should have done this days ago, I tried calling and she has a new number, old one disconnected. Guess that settles that....

Too. Hot. 30 celsius. Need. Coolant.

Originally Posted by tommo

Yeah, the chances just seem incredibly low. There are even more ridiculous coincidences that have occurred though as well which made me think that.
You're probably just the part of my brain or the machine that is trying to convince me it's not a simulation

I don't know what you're talking about. There is nothing to be alarmed about.

>.>

<.<

>.>;;

What you should really ask yourself is would I pretend to want to secretly convince you that life is not a simulation just to make you suspicious that it is?

Originally Posted by tommo

Sarah was talking to Michael's psychologist to try to get an understanding of him, and if he was a bad person and he told her that he has that.

Ah, I gotcha. That's cool.

Originally Posted by tommo

I'm more aimed at just getting dopamine hits I think. I just always need more pointless pleasure and contentment. At the expense of anything meaningful, too.

I get that for sure. It's nice to think about going for the more long-term rewards but the short-term usually takes precedence. Lately I've been thinking about going monk for a while just to try to get out of this mindset. It sucks....

Originally Posted by tommo

Yeah that was what my other post was sort of about. I know I'm no way near intelligent enough to have more input than I already do. My brain struggles with what it takes in at the moment while sober. I was good on piracetam though, and I think that may lower latent inhibition as well, as I feel much more aware on it. So I dunno what the fuck is going on really.

I also came across a case of a guy on the bluelight forums IIRC, or maybe some longevity forum and he was taking massive stacks of all the nootropics and ended up in a mental institution. But he could have been going insane anyway, coz the stacks were ridiculous, but who knows.

I think it would logically follow that piracetam lowered latent inhibition, but I think it does so in a way that also happens to increase your ability to handle things. It has little safety nets like that, like being both a glutamatergic drug and an antioxidant to suppress any possible neurotoxicity. And it definitely feels like an anti-dissociative to me, it widens my perspective really well.

"All the nootropics" is a pretty broad description lol. But anyone who takes huge doses of tons of nootropics at once long-term doesn't know enough about the brain to justify taking them. Too much of anything is bad, even things like neurotrophic factors. And that massive glutamatergic stimulation can't possibly be good for you. Depending on the nootropics there was probably dopamine involved too. I don't know why people think they can take 30 pills a day forever and never have issues from it....

Originally Posted by tommo

Well, guess I should have done this days ago, I tried calling and she has a new number, old one disconnected. Guess that settles that....

I guess you don't have much of a choice now, but in my opinion you should just try to move on.... If she's married then you don't need to just be hanging around waiting for her, you need to let her live her life and hope that she's happy. And if she's not, maybe you'll hear from her again some day. I know it's not what you want to hear, but... wouldn't you want the same from someone else?

I don't know if that sounds kind of bossy or not, sorry if it does... but that's just what I think.

-----

I'm starting to wonder if I'm going slowly insane because I drink too much diet soda. My friend is very much on the anti-aspartame bandwagon and I didn't really care much either way before, but today I actually looked into it for once and learned that one of the things it breaks down into is L-phenylalanine. That's the precursor to phenethylamine and L-tyrosine, which is the precursor to L-DOPA, and thereby dopamine, norepinephrine, and epinephrine. Phenethylamine also inhibits the reuptake of all three, as well as serotonin. I found a study on aspartame claiming that the way it effects these neurotransmitters is similar to how a widespread reuptake inhibitor like that normally functions, so I can't help but wonder. The main drug that substitutes for phenethylamine in the brain is cocaine; phenethylamine is one of the love chemicals involved in initial sexual attraction, which is related to why cocaine is so addictive. It also makes you more psychotic, anxious, paranoid, and depressed for the longer you use it consistently, as do all strongly dopaminergic drugs. This even includes L-DOPA. But since this actually goes even closer to the source, increasing both dopamine and phenethylamine levels, I have to wonder if the latter pathway is downregulated as well. In other words, could drinking too much diet soda cause you to lose some of your ability to feel love and lust in the long-term, and change your thinking pattern in a way similar to stimulant use? That would really suck, and it very much makes me reconsider how I drink them....

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I don't know what you're talking about. There is nothing to be alarmed about.

>.>

<.<

>.>;;

What you should really ask yourself is would I pretend to want to secretly convince you that life is not a simulation just to make you suspicious that it is?

haha, nice try. Now you're..... yeh cbf following that thought pattern, you get the point.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

"All the nootropics" is a pretty broad description lol. But anyone who takes huge doses of tons of nootropics at once long-term doesn't know enough about the brain to justify taking them. Too much of anything is bad, even things like neurotrophic factors. And that massive glutamatergic stimulation can't possibly be good for you. Depending on the nootropics there was probably dopamine involved too. I don't know why people think they can take 30 pills a day forever and never have issues from it....

Well, yeah obviously not all of them, but a lot. And huge doses.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I guess you don't have much of a choice now, but in my opinion you should just try to move on.... If she's married then you don't need to just be hanging around waiting for her, you need to let her live her life and hope that she's happy. And if she's not, maybe you'll hear from her again some day. I know it's not what you want to hear, but... wouldn't you want the same from someone else?

I don't know if that sounds kind of bossy or not, sorry if it does... but that's just what I think.

Only problem is even if she's not happy, I probably wouldn't hear from her coz all contact paths are basically gone now.
I dunno, I just wanted some chance at least.... I guess with the internet, she could find me if she wanted to, but since she might think I'm a total dick.... she might not even want to.
I *know* I should move on, but I just can't.
And most of all I want to apologise to her.

I probably sound pathetic. But I can't help the way I feel.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I'm starting to wonder if I'm going slowly insane because I drink too much diet soda. My friend is very much on the anti-aspartame bandwagon and I didn't really care much either way before, but today I actually looked into it for once and learned that one of the things it breaks down into is L-phenylalanine. That's the precursor to phenethylamine and L-tyrosine, which is the precursor to L-DOPA, and thereby dopamine, norepinephrine, and epinephrine. Phenethylamine also inhibits the reuptake of all three, as well as serotonin. I found a study on aspartame claiming that the way it effects these neurotransmitters is similar to how a widespread reuptake inhibitor like that normally functions, so I can't help but wonder. The main drug that substitutes for phenethylamine in the brain is cocaine; phenethylamine is one of the love chemicals involved in initial sexual attraction, which is related to why cocaine is so addictive. It also makes you more psychotic, anxious, paranoid, and depressed for the longer you use it consistently, as do all strongly dopaminergic drugs. This even includes L-DOPA. But since this actually goes even closer to the source, increasing both dopamine and phenethylamine levels, I have to wonder if the latter pathway is downregulated as well. In other words, could drinking too much diet soda cause you to lose some of your ability to feel love and lust in the long-term, and change your thinking pattern in a way similar to stimulant use? That would really suck, and it very much makes me reconsider how I drink them....

That's.... kinda scary, I wonder if it's possible. Maybe I can help the way I feel....
Actually.... that does make sense. Thinking to past patterns of use, and my memory may be foggy, but when I've stopped drinking diet Coke I have had much more intense feelings of love/lust. You definitely may be on to something.
Yeah just stop drinking that crap, it's been shown sugar substitutes cause diabetes anyway, natural sugar is the way to go IMO.

hubby is worrying about a woman from back home, who's bf went to jail....this woman bad mouthed my daughter...and now i can't talk shit about her T_T fml.
Fuck you, i'll always have my dream guy
I'm not fb friends with hubby only cuz of bitches like her, and he says he don't think of her like more of a friend....ya right...thanks alot u liar !
Go dream of her! idc i got my own man that loves me deeply....one thing is hubby will never know of him!
NEVER, never cross me!
BTW, this thing between him and her is a back and forth situation, he tells her not to go back to the guy who went to jail, yet she still does...tell me....WHY THE FUCK DOES HE CARE THAT MUCH? YET DEFENDS HER IF I BAD MOUTH HER AND YET SHE CAN????!
Rant continued....So he sees my DJ about that guy following me about wells fargo, he says i need to get my head checked!
This is a man that I CANT SHARE MY DREAMS WITH OR EVEN SHARE DREAM WITH!!! It's impossible to do so for an ignorant brain like his!

Continued rant for afternoon, i was suppose to meet a girl friend of mine from high school, she never told me by text or anything that she couldn't make it today, yet she said she would....so i waited for nothing...total set up and won't talk to her again if thats how of a friend she thinks i am, she's dead wrong!
I CANNOT MAKE FUCKING FRIENDS FML MOTHER FUCK! THIS ISN'T MY DAY!!! RRRR!!!!

i got called to the manager's office twice in less then an hour yesterday.

the first time was because they found out that i haven't been calling the customers to sell their products. which is something i'm not going to do regardless of how hard they pressure me. i will not pressure people into opening more accounts if i feel they don't need to.

the second time was because i said "hey" to a customer. what happened was: a customer wanted to make a deposit into his savings account. so i did the transaction but realized i forgot to give him his savings passbook back. so as he was about to leave i said "hey, i forgot to give you this back," while holding his passbook. the supervisor overheard me and yelled at me. next thing you know i'm back at the managers office again. he (the manager) then proceeds to lecture me about business etiquette which made me burst in laughter. the manager then stops and says "this is not funny." i'm thinking to myself "are you kidding me, this is hilarious." i honestly don't think i'm going to last long at this job but its the only job i have experience at. if there is one thing i noticed about banking in that the rules have changed compared to before. before we were aloud to be more human.

My dad's girlfriend who is here for 6 days a month treats me like I'm a fucking kid and she's clueless as to why I'm not talking to her, or why I'm not showing her a lot of respect. She just called me to come down in such a manner fitting for a child who can barely speak.

I have mixed feelings about this summer. I mean, I'm going to be doing a lot of stuff with my friends, but it's going to be somewhat not fun. My girlfriend, who I talk to like everyday isn't going to always be available and we don't know how much time we'd be able to spend together and there's no set schedule so it's going to be kind of random. She said she'll reply to my messages and stuff, but as for us actually talking, we don't know when or how much we'll be able to do, and it just really sucks.

So for about a month me and this girl rebuilt our relationship from left over scraps. we hadn't talked for 3/4's of a year, but we had a semi romantic relationship, where we messed around but were never really considered together. Then last monday night she shows up, says she is moving soon, she has half a bottle of mine and hers left. we decided to drink it and have some fun together since we won't be seein each other that often. At the start of the night we talked about how we were just gonna be friends. Later on after we were drunk we made out, but then just went back to talking and joking around. we stay up all night untill its morning and were sober. Then we lay down to go to bed and we talk for hours. the sun rises and I'm giving her a back massage and then that turns into us messing around.

After its all over she says "I don't Even Know what to think anymore."

We start to cuddle and we fall asleep. three hours later her phone wakes us and its her friend inviting her out to lunch. I bring her home. I accidentally leave my wallet in her car. She acts kool everything seems kool. I talk to her later that night because she was supposed to talk to her friend about me moving in with them, not like with her but with my own room as a housemate. She says they talk and its kool but its gonna be a lil bit.

I hit her up with a message the next day asking if I left my wallet in my car. she replies I did. I say drop it off when you get a chance. Next day she says she's been out of town. I ask when shes gonna be back. she hasn't responded or droped my stuff off, that was on wednesday.

Before this happed we talked everyday for a month. I don't know what to think and I hope she just wants some space. I don't want to lose her as a friend.

I was hoping hope would help me. I felt pretty good the last two days. Now I just miss her again. I need to remember to hope. But tonight I will get drunk.

I had a dream complaint...then after I posted it here I saw the rant, rave, cry and complain for dream issues lol.

Gripe 1: Gender bending does not make you gay. I did a little gender bending on Saturday and the guys at the party I went to wouldn't stop calling me faggot. I had nothing to say, they just weren't mature enough to deserve a rebuttal. I could either take issue with how vastly ignorant they were, or just hold my tongue. And there was no talking to them, they were so far beyond my ability to converse with. It's funny because whenever I've been to their house with male clothes on, they've been easy to get along with. Their true selves only came out when I did something they could only explain as faggotry.

They weren't like aggressive about it, one seemed pretty uncomfortable but the rest just had to make fun of it because they didn't understand. It could be worse, could have been a bunch of rednecks wanting to beat me up, but I already dress too hipster to fall in with a crowd that extreme, anyways. Still, it kind of irritates me, how girly is associated with gay. Dressing a little girly makes me feel more like myself and it doesn't have to do the same for you but you can at least respect my choices. But they can't even fathom the possibility that I'm doing what's best for myself. I don't make fun of them for being assholes and making women around them uncomfortable. But they have to make fun of me, it's like a defense mechanism. If they call me a faggot they don't have to treat me like a human being.

The next day two of them came over to my friends house during a Harry Potter marathon and saw I still hadn't gotten the makeup off so they burst out laughing and told me that they're sorry but I'd be the butt of every gay joke they make for like the next month. I still didn't have shit to say, what do you say to that, "Well I would be offended but being gay is not offensive."

Gripe 2: On the plus side, I got a lot of support from the females at the party, they were all for it. But I'm not sure that's a good thing. I mean, girls become much more comfortable around me when I cross dress and I can connect with them better but like, I'm essentially encountering the same problem that inhibited my crossdressing as a kid and kept me in the closet, I want women to be attracted to me so I need to be a strong, dominant male and fit into a typical male gender role, right? That's the assumption that's always held me back and I decided to explore its validity. After all, even sinking a girl would not make me happier than loving and accepting myself for who I am.

But I still get horny and lonely, you know? And I think wearing drag ruined my chances with any of those girls, despite how nice they were being. Really, I didn't have a chance anyways because they were all taken, so why not have a little fun? Except here's the problem, one of them came over to my friends house earlier, before I had changed, and we had a moment where we caught each others' eye and she smiled and blushed. I seemed to sense that there continued to be a sexual energy between us even after I changed, but I'm not really sure about it. Her demeanor changed to the point where she treated me like a sister or gay friend rather than a man. There may be some girls I could continue to game even if I'm in a dress, but I'm not sure if she, in particular, was one of them. Maybe she just liked hanging with a guy she perceived her boyfriend wouldn't feel threatened by, and therefore she couldn't act the kind of flirty I would have preferred. But maybe women don't see me as a man anymore. This would be disheartening. Is it so much to ask to be considered a man even if your wearing a dress? As another cross-dressing friend of mine put it, he's not enough of a man for the straight girls but not girly enough for the lesbians.

God damn everytime I buy opiates in bulk, I get addicted and turn into an absolute cunt and am too much of a wuss to actually deal with withdrawal until I run out and then it's just that much worse. It's been only a week and already I'm getting pissed off at everyone for nothing, can't get up in the morning, and my stomach feels like it's about to fall out. I've said it before but stay away from drugs y'all. I'm at the point where I don't feel like I have the option to stop, which is obviously bullshit cause I'll stop when I run out, but again that's how it feels. It's fucked up.

Original Poster I wish I had the guts to crossdress in public. I'm not in shape at the moment so that's part of it, but I've always been scared to. Your post reminds me how weird it is that you can relate well to certain people in one situation, and then in another it turns out that they're kind of douchebags.

Originally Posted by Original Poster

Gripe 1: Gender bending does not make you gay. I did a little gender bending on Saturday and the guys at the party I went to wouldn't stop calling me faggot. I had nothing to say, they just weren't mature enough to deserve a rebuttal. I could either take issue with how vastly ignorant they were, or just hold my tongue. And there was no talking to them, they were so far beyond my ability to converse with. It's funny because whenever I've been to their house with male clothes on, they've been easy to get along with. Their true selves only came out when I did something they could only explain as faggotry.

They weren't like aggressive about it, one seemed pretty uncomfortable but the rest just had to make fun of it because they didn't understand. It could be worse, could have been a bunch of rednecks wanting to beat me up, but I already dress too hipster to fall in with a crowd that extreme, anyways. Still, it kind of irritates me, how girly is associated with gay. Dressing a little girly makes me feel more like myself and it doesn't have to do the same for you but you can at least respect my choices. But they can't even fathom the possibility that I'm doing what's best for myself. I don't make fun of them for being assholes and making women around them uncomfortable. But they have to make fun of me, it's like a defense mechanism. If they call me a faggot they don't have to treat me like a human being.

I used to have a conflict with how people saw me as a girl or a guy when I was very young, if I had someone braid my hair, because of my slim figure and round-ish visage, I had a girl that asked me if I'm really a women. At the time I just said "No" in a "wait-what?!?!" kind of way, but then I felt as if that was probably why I had trouble making friends in Middle School. Then puberty happened, and the gender conflict I had immediately vanished. But if I were to have an Afro or just any other hairstyle than Braids, they could identify me as a male easily.

As for the males you hang around with, you're clearly more cerebral than they are, and it's safe for me to presume that you're more analytical and aware of your emotional side. You kept it in a bottle when you were younger, and now that you can process information and your feelings a bit better, you're just slowly but surely shifting into what you feel what's best for you. And again, their words are just words, and I understand that it really sucks if someone were to call you a "faggot" or use some irrelevant term like "tranny" or whatever, it really sucks when people like that lack empathy. Sexual orientation and just preferences that are usually out of norm are clearly difficult to reach a resolve with.

I feel I could pretty much do gender bending myself since most of my life I've been talking with women and mostly had non-sexual feelings towards them when talking to them. Of course, I don't deny I have sexual urges like any guy, but usually I felt more attached towards being a bit more feminie than masculine. In a way, my whole visage alone is enough for any guy in real life to not really bullshit around me, and I feel kind of disappointed that putting that male dominance facade kind of scares many women I tried to talk to as well. Usually, any woman that I actually had a good talking with notice that I'm as different as night and day, and I felt that was because they became more giggly around me after piercing through the "stoic" demeanor I put up. I felt as if it was just them being women, but I started to notice I was naturally being more feminine towards them (as in the mechanics with how one would express feminine traits through words and body language).

Maybe the more they're used to seeing you occasionally gender-bend, they'll eventually run out of their aggressive juice with potentially spewing that you're "gay," "faggot," or whatever they can throw at you. We don't know how they'll think, but it's clear that it's a habit for them to question someone like you trying to be expressive with their being. I feel you're getting closer in eliminating the gender predispositions on your own while they're still trapped and blinded into believing, so it's not really your matter of preference that's the conflict, it's just their perception of identifying your gender.

I mean after all, personally, when I saw you gender bend and showed pictures of it, I had a bit of an infatuation for you, but nothing sexual. It was more of an admiration that you could pull it off and actually live the persona compared to others where it's obvious when they try too hard, but you did it with flying colors. Just my opinion though.

The next day two of them came over to my friends house during a Harry Potter marathon and saw I still hadn't gotten the makeup off so they burst out laughing and told me that they're sorry but I'd be the butt of every gay joke they make for like the next month. I still didn't have shit to say, what do you say to that, "Well I would be offended but being gay is not offensive."

Yeah, it is kind of hard to come up with a witty response to what they did to you, a bit of a gridlock you're in.

Gripe 2: On the plus side, I got a lot of support from the females at the party, they were all for it. But I'm not sure that's a good thing. I mean, girls become much more comfortable around me when I cross dress and I can connect with them better but like, I'm essentially encountering the same problem that inhibited my crossdressing as a kid and kept me in the closet, I want women to be attracted to me so I need to be a strong, dominant male and fit into a typical male gender role, right? That's the assumption that's always held me back and I decided to explore its validity. After all, even sinking a girl would not make me happier than loving and accepting myself for who I am.

It's typical because everytime we look at some Fashion Magazine, Billboards, Commercials, anything that creates a stained image of what we're "supposed" to do as males or females does restrict us in some way. If you ever have time and are interested in a documentary that talks about Gender, you could check out "The codes of Gender." I'm sure you could find an online stream for it, but after watching just bits of the movie, I started to see the mechanics behind how we express ourselves is so bullshit. But since it's ingrained so deep when we're so young, it's a battle to see gender expressions and being more of the other trait in a different perspective.

Originally Posted by Original Poster

But I still get horny and lonely, you know? And I think wearing drag ruined my chances with any of those girls, despite how nice they were being. Really, I didn't have a chance anyways because they were all taken, so why not have a little fun? Except here's the problem, one of them came over to my friends house earlier, before I had changed, and we had a moment where we caught each others' eye and she smiled and blushed. I seemed to sense that there continued to be a sexual energy between us even after I changed, but I'm not really sure about it. Her demeanor changed to the point where she treated me like a sister or gay friend rather than a man. There may be some girls I could continue to game even if I'm in a dress, but I'm not sure if she, in particular, was one of them. Maybe she just liked hanging with a guy she perceived her boyfriend wouldn't feel threatened by, and therefore she couldn't act the kind of flirty I would have preferred. But maybe women don't see me as a man anymore. This would be disheartening. Is it so much to ask to be considered a man even if your wearing a dress? As another cross-dressing friend of mine put it, he's not enough of a man for the straight girls but not girly enough for the lesbians.

The moment you had with the girl that blushed at you before you dressed up, I don't think you should make presumptions that quick that she was imagining you expressing yourself in feministic ways, but could be blushing that you're so open about it. I think when we try to define women based on a male's perspective, we can't even come close to what they're thinking; it's really about being able to reformat your own mind to think like a female and embrace yourself as a female, and that takes time and going through back-and-forth moments with relapses and motivation. I had one good friend that was easily able to become more feminine when she had to go through her own conflicts of feeling more masculine than usual.

I experimented with hypnosis in embracing a more feminine side of myself, and I was amazed on how easy it was to exhibit a quick projection of being a female, but I'm just adding that there for good measure that it's possible to balance yourself with what we're "supposed" to be vs. what we really want to be. How your friends view you and how they use words that seem to show them as extremely homophobic about things with gender bending is just their lack of empathy. It sucks being around those people that just can't keep up with what we're trying to accomplish.

Personally, I feel you have a way with words, and maybe you just need to be more honest with your female friends on why you feel this way and why it makes you happy. I feel you just enjoy yourself around them, but never bothered to take some time with one of them and give them a nice mental massage with who you want to be. If you have, I apologize, but that's how I'm viewing it based on what you expressed just now.

---

I personally feel that finding solace for my own sake is much more beneficial than seeking validation from others. They're probably good friends in their own right, but it's clear they're not mature enough, and they don't have a higher sense of empathy of being considerate of what you prefer. You have such a good foundation of your own beliefs (which I purposefully had to play aggressive to understand you, but I never admitted to you about that), but at the same time, I think you are trapped in getting others to acknowledge you.

I think it's the wrong set of people you're trying to impress or hopefully wish they would come to an understanding for you. If anyone has to question which gender a person is for quite some time, of course it'll cause some conflict, but deep down, you know what you want, and you're doing things to get it. If possible, maybe there could be groups that you could find online that do the same thing you're doing. Maybe they have personal meetings you could go to so you can be around people of your similar mindset, since it's obvious you're still dependent on finding others that accept you for doing this.

Even if you can't find those groups, maybe finding forums that go through things like you're doing can help make the conflict in validating the predispositions of gender and finding your own meaning a little easier. I'm sorry you have to deal with these people's inconsiderate thoughts, because they're just one of many examples of us not being able to feel "whole."

Thanks for your input Link. I have one clarification. When the girl smiled and blushed, it's because she caught me admiring her. She did herself up especially pretty so I'm sure she was just happy to get noticed for it, but I think she was also kind of into me (that sort of response doesn't often come from girls that are turned off by you). However, this happened before I dressed up, and I can't say for sure if that would have happened after, or if after I dressed up she found me only as a source of amusement rather than someone capable of fucking her brains out.

I do still seek validation, but not from people like those guys making fun of me, I've cross-dressed from some level to another a handful of times already, whether wearing a skirt, tights, nail polish or makeup. I usually don't go all out. But when people react badly to it, it helps me filter people out of my life I wouldn't want to deal with anyways. It's not being poked fun at that really disturbs me, I only griped about it because I didn't have anything to say to them and needed an outlet for my frustration.

What really disheartens me is my fear that what I'm getting into will lead to women not finding me sexy, or at least not sexy as in someone they want to potentially have sex. I understand what you mean about looking at females from a male perspective. I feel like I understand females better than the average male, though. But I still don't really understand the strange way girls react to a guy in drag. It's like suddenly they want to be best friends and laugh and giggle even if my mannerisms are still totally manly. And I'm at a loss as to why, even if they know I'm straight, why do they get such pleasure out of treating me like a girl once they think it's okay to do so?

I know what you mean about seeking self-acceptance rather than validation, but I feel like I've come pretty far in that regard, but I don't know how to take it farther when I still want to have sex, and be authentic in the pursuit.

Originally Posted by Original Poster

Thanks for your input Link. I have one clarification. When the girl smiled and blushed, it's because she caught me admiring her. She did herself up especially pretty so I'm sure she was just happy to get noticed for it, but I think she was also kind of into me (that sort of response doesn't often come from girls that are turned off by you). However, this happened before I dressed up, and I can't say for sure if that would have happened after, or if after I dressed up she found me only as a source of amusement rather than someone capable of fucking her brains out.

I do still seek validation, but not from people like those guys making fun of me, I've cross-dressed from some level to another a handful of times already, whether wearing a skirt, tights, nail polish or makeup. I usually don't go all out. But when people react badly to it, it helps me filter people out of my life I wouldn't want to deal with anyways. It's not being poked fun at that really disturbs me, I only griped about it because I didn't have anything to say to them and needed an outlet for my frustration.

What really disheartens me is my fear that what I'm getting into will lead to women not finding me sexy, or at least not sexy as in someone they want to potentially have sex. I understand what you mean about looking at females from a male perspective. I feel like I understand females better than the average male, though. But I still don't really understand the strange way girls react to a guy in drag. It's like suddenly they want to be best friends and laugh and giggle even if my mannerisms are still totally manly. And I'm at a loss as to why, even if they know I'm straight, why do they get such pleasure out of treating me like a girl once they think it's okay to do so?

I know what you mean about seeking self-acceptance rather than validation, but I feel like I've come pretty far in that regard, but I don't know how to take it farther when I still want to have sex, and be authentic in the pursuit.

I apologize for the presumption with the girl blushing at you, and thanks for clearing that up as well. And I definitely shouldn't have had a cognitive bias in stating that we are limited in seeing things in a male's perspective, and because you are clearly more intelligent than those fodder friends you have (by how they treated you, it seems fitting for me to label them like that). Anyway, your fear of women not finding you sexy anymore, there is a chance that women "might" start making presumptions that makes them have their own gender predispositions on whether or not you're going to be the same "man" before you showed frequent hints of your liking with drag and all.

And you seem confident in accepting the body and gender you're lead to "fit" into, it's just that the Drag Queen is probably just an intense fetish you have. You have your own reasons for it, and I'll leave you to that, so I'm presuming you do the cross-dressing or Drag Queen acts for non-sexual reasons. And it's a conflict between what your penis tells you, and what the depths of your psyche wants: for you to be happy with yourself.

I'll just give you a quick perspective in which I feel that women wouldn't think less of you for not being able to put up an alpha-male status. I have a friend that's androgynous, though she was honestly more feminine compared to what she thought she had (less of). Her desire to be in the body that she wanted so much, and seeing how she really had me for being even more feminine than any kind of woman I talked to in my life, I started becoming more infatuated with her because of her desire to be who she wanted to be. Then I started thinking if I had some intense liking for transgender people because what they would have to go through would be a massive overhaul of their psyche and overcoming what's really supposed to be "gendered." I started seeing that how I theorized gender needed a huge upgrade of empathy, and slowly, but surely, I saw her for who she really was, despite being in the body that was androgynous; she had the spirit and naivete of someone striving to be who she wanted to be. Seeing her having to tolerate her current body, and then going through therapy to inevitably reach completion of what she wants made me respect her more than any person I could even imagine having admiration for.

When it comes to gender and fetishes, or just a feeling we have on whether or not we're doing this because we feel we can't be this person, and that we do a certain act because it's a sufficient outlet for us, it's subjective because theorizing gender itself (especially in Women and Gender Studies scholars) is like walking on a really thin rope.

Now how this quick story relates to your situation. This could just be wishful thinking on my end, but to me, I see the whole act of you doing this differently. Although I can't deny that there's a probability that women might not see you the same or treat you the same when you take off your outfit and makeup, I do know that a female, with them being more empathetic (because of simple biological assumptions I rather not go through), would initially have admiration for you. At first the admiration feels like it could just eliminate them potentially seeing you in fucking their brains out. But follow along with me for a bit more, and you're probably getting the idea already too...If you can keep showing them your confidence in being able to shift into a female persona, and yet when you take the undergarments and make up off and you're the same Masculine Kip that everyone knows, it's pretty much likely they'll extend that admiration into Limerence.

Maybe you're worried that when they create an image of you when you dress up, that the previous image of you as Masculine Kip would deteriorate, and you have every right to be worried about that. And it's clear that you can see past your male friend's lack of consideration and being thoughtful, and also knowing that not being able to find the right words is definitely exhausting to bear with, you're as far beyond as what any average person I typically see for something related in theorizing gender. You have a risk, you are in a way gambling with two persona, one that's Masculine Kip and one that's a Feminine Katherine (sorry for the slight jest there). With the foundations you have for having a sense of self, and because you truly feel this is what makes you happy, then you'll have to take the risk. However, I don't think women are simple-minded like that to just demote your masculinity like that just because you want to do the Drag thing for your own reasons. Before I go any further and make an echo chamber with how women usually are (unpredictable), you have an advantage to make yourself shine Kip, but it depends on how you want to see this as an advantage.

Personally, if you continue to show confidence that you're going to be the Masculine or rather more opening Kip, and that you're only a certain way when you dress up, people are going to run out of jokes, and maybe, just maybe, your fear that leads you to have a predisposition of having your masculinity demoted by females might start becoming a delusion, or a distraction from something so obvious. Just adding this as well, and it probably wouldn't make much use to you, but I had a gay friend that had a straight guy that actually was able to trick a group of women into thinking he's gay, and literally became the female's guinea pig for debauchery. And I had a previous urge to talk about the Sneaky Fucker Strategy, but nah, that's going too far.

Anyway Kip, what you're doing definitely is hard to come to a resolve with, but if doing it makes you happy, I know you'll find solace in why you do so eventually (when you hopefully can figure out overcoming your biggest fear into this). And when those reasons come to you, combined with your ambition to be content with yourself and doing things for your own sake, you'll have the advantage of seducing more women, or whatever you want to get out of them.

Thanks I appreciate that. I watched the video and it clarified a lot. Granted the video focused a lot on posture and my problem is more fashion, I rather like my posture and don't feel more myself by acting more feminine. I just like having the freedom to wear whatever I want, rather than gender specific clothing. There are times I prefer male clothing, like hiking or playing sports. And there's the occasional time I prefer completely female clothing (like a dress-up party), but a lot of the times I like a token of femininity, nothing too loud and cross-dressy just a reminder to myself that I'm not trapped in pure masculinity, that I have choices.

To be frank I don't see this escalating much farther than that. It's pretty fantastic, as is. My confidence and security as a person who makes his own choices has probably only helped my pursuit of sex. I don't think I'd feel more comfortable by making further changes, all I really want is freedom to explore both sides but I'm willing sacrifice a complete experience of femininity in order to retain the masculine qualities I exude. So thank you, the more I think about Saturday night the more I realize the fear can only hold me back now. I always just wanted my girly side to go away, and I thought I could change it if I just resisted hard enough. I now realize that when women treat me like a girl when I'm in drag, they're actually giving me what I want, which is exploration of a profound curiosity. They can switch instantly to a new gender assignment, even though it's just pretend (and they do have to remind themselves from time to time that I'm still very much a male), while men cannot because they only have one means of expression with a female and don't really understand how to be friends with a female, especially the guys I hung out with last night. It is now quite clear when I look at guys that have been unable to handle my gender bending, it's because they can't talk to females as regular human beings, anyways.

As an after-thought, my posture and the way I carry myself is also a little restrictive. I've noticed this on mushrooms before, where I was walking more "naturally" and one guy laughed that I was walking like a model but a girl (who was infatuated with me) said it looked better. It certainly felt better. It was also on mushrooms where I decided I didn't have to label myself as a man or a woman, or gay or straight, and I found the realization extremely liberating. Once I realized I didn't have to label myself straight, I realized I also didn't have to imbue strictly straight male characteristics, if I didn't want to. I could behave however I wanted. Granted, like most psychedelic experiences, this realization shrunk into a seed when I regained sobriety. A seed which has been surely, but slowly opening.

Originally Posted by tommo

Only problem is even if she's not happy, I probably wouldn't hear from her coz all contact paths are basically gone now.
I dunno, I just wanted some chance at least.... I guess with the internet, she could find me if she wanted to, but since she might think I'm a total dick.... she might not even want to.
I *know* I should move on, but I just can't.
And most of all I want to apologise to her.

I probably sound pathetic. But I can't help the way I feel.

It's not pathetic.... Well, since you bring up the internet, maybe you could find her that way and when you do you can apologize? That's how I would meet in the middle.... If that's what you want to do now, then do it but then let her be. Then if something ever does happen, maybe she'll think of you. I don't think that would really count as swaying her in any way with her husband, it would just show her that you're still out there.

Originally Posted by tommo

That's.... kinda scary, I wonder if it's possible. Maybe I can help the way I feel....
Actually.... that does make sense. Thinking to past patterns of use, and my memory may be foggy, but when I've stopped drinking diet Coke I have had much more intense feelings of love/lust. You definitely may be on to something.
Yeah just stop drinking that crap, it's been shown sugar substitutes cause diabetes anyway, natural sugar is the way to go IMO.

Well, for what it's worth it's day four since I stopped drinking diet soda and I feel physically a little worse but I've been really horny for a while. I don't know why and it could be entirely unrelated, but just something I noticed. The physical effects could also reasonably be some kind of minor withdrawal, I used to drink a looot of diet soda.... I'm definitely not going back to them after this though!

Originally Posted by Original Poster

Gripe 2: On the plus side, I got a lot of support from the females at the party, they were all for it. But I'm not sure that's a good thing. I mean, girls become much more comfortable around me when I cross dress and I can connect with them better but like, I'm essentially encountering the same problem that inhibited my crossdressing as a kid and kept me in the closet, I want women to be attracted to me so I need to be a strong, dominant male and fit into a typical male gender role, right? That's the assumption that's always held me back and I decided to explore its validity. After all, even sinking a girl would not make me happier than loving and accepting myself for who I am.

But I still get horny and lonely, you know? And I think wearing drag ruined my chances with any of those girls, despite how nice they were being. Really, I didn't have a chance anyways because they were all taken, so why not have a little fun? Except here's the problem, one of them came over to my friends house earlier, before I had changed, and we had a moment where we caught each others' eye and she smiled and blushed. I seemed to sense that there continued to be a sexual energy between us even after I changed, but I'm not really sure about it. Her demeanor changed to the point where she treated me like a sister or gay friend rather than a man. There may be some girls I could continue to game even if I'm in a dress, but I'm not sure if she, in particular, was one of them. Maybe she just liked hanging with a guy she perceived her boyfriend wouldn't feel threatened by, and therefore she couldn't act the kind of flirty I would have preferred. But maybe women don't see me as a man anymore. This would be disheartening. Is it so much to ask to be considered a man even if your wearing a dress? As another cross-dressing friend of mine put it, he's not enough of a man for the straight girls but not girly enough for the lesbians.

I can only speak for myself here of course... but I personally find crossdressers attractive. I know other girls who claim to as well, so maybe it's just a crowd thing. Not surprisingly, a lot of the people I know who like crossdressers are anime or manga fans. I think it just takes the right kind of mindset like that, and clearly there are going to be a lot of people who aren't used to it. I think with them your only option really is try to get to know them well enough that they can see who you really are, since they're not going to just randomly change otherwise, but aside from them there definitely are girls who like crossdressers out there.

I can admit that there is a difference though, but I don't know if I would say that it's a bad thing. It's sort of like when you meet someone new at a convention or a rave, or something like that. Before you even start talking to this person there's already something about the context that's making you feel at ease around them. Crossdressing also just projects an image of confidence for me, so that's something I'm attracted to right away. And just personally, I also think that girls' clothes are much more aesthetically pleasing so a guy who looks good in them scores lots of points with me.... Of course, all of those things can also just lead you to want to be friends with someone. Maybe those other girls feel the same way but they're just, like you said, sort of looking over you as a potential partner, and that's why they treat you like that? It could just be too that they don't understand how it is that you want to be treated because they've just never had to really consider it before, and that just goes back to what I said about getting to know them better. First impressions aren't your only shot.

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I'll keep this one short. Has anyone ever heard of anyone having negative symptoms from fantasizing too much? >.> I'm starting to think that I can orgasm from only mental stimulation and I've been doing it quite a lot, like over the last year to year and a half, and now I'm becoming suspicious. Mainly because I've noticed that some of my things like head pressure only go away when I'm fantasizing or orgasming, or when I'm around people who I'm really close to and feel very at ease (the connection would be high oxytocin levels). There are people that are known to have negative symptoms just from orgasming too much, like the people who have the condition (I forget what it's called now) where they orgasm like every few minutes. So it just makes me wonder....

I'll keep this one short. Has anyone ever heard of anyone having negative symptoms from fantasizing too much? >.> I'm starting to think that I can orgasm from only mental stimulation and I've been doing it quite a lot, like over the last year to year and a half, and now I'm becoming suspicious. Mainly because I've noticed that some of my things like head pressure only go away when I'm fantasizing or orgasming, or when I'm around people who I'm really close to and feel very at ease (the connection would be high oxytocin levels). There are people that are known to have negative symptoms just from orgasming too much, like the people who have the condition (I forget what it's called now) where they orgasm like every few minutes. So it just makes me wonder....

Yeah, the mental orgasm thing, I had it once when I was sandwiched between two women in a dream that was induced by simple Hypnosis. It was quite pleasurable, but at the same time, those things only seem to come by when don't have the thought on my mind, or when I use Hypnosis. As for negative symptoms from fantasizing too much, I can tell you from personal experience that it has its moments where you keep thinking in your head, "FUCK! FUCK FUCK! STOP!"

Assuming you're just talking about lucid dreams and dream characters/thought-forms, it gets to the point where you start battling through their existence being a Self-fulfilling prophecy based on Apophenia, or Just one or the other. Because initially, I think we do have the mental block where people who believe lucid dreaming and finding meaning into it is meaningless. And with so many scenarios that you recall throughout your life, it's like we get closer and closer to ego inflation where we just want to destroy every single fucking thing in our dreams and fantasies. I don't know why, but it happened to me, and it still does occasionally. Sometimes I want to slit the throat of those same thought-forms that I have these fantasies over. One moment I would ask them to let down their long hair after they took a swim from the pool, then gaze at their perfectly created body from my mind, and then when I wake up, I would eventually start having negative thoughts for no reason. It's as like opening the door that should've been left closed to accumulate dust, but being able to embrace it and overcome is so satisfying and so enticing that it's hard to do it.

I had my intentions to use my fantasy in order to keep updating myself and actually take time to analyze other people's perspectives, and in the end, it just resulted in me rambling my thoughts too fast. So I can't really discuss some things to others without them using the "TL ; DR " or some snobby comment where I wonder if processing the information is a "bad thing," or maybe their heads are just full of shit. I only had the intention of just learning the good parts, the higher aspects of ourselves faith stuff that always seems comforting initially. Until I realize the whole thing made my life a blank canvas, it's a very weird feeling Alyzarin. Beyond the first stage of getting what you want with your fantasies, it goes deeper to where you start thinking differently about everyone, almost as if you're driven by some Solipsistic endeavor with everyone. You don't really tap into it as much to prevent further de-fragmentation of your sense of self, but you know it's there, and you just want to fucking feel it because of the high volumes of content it gives you. Every single thing starts becoming labeled, you start indulging yourself into that labeling, you start seeing a taste of what your personal unconscious does that adds on to the collective unconscious, it's like attaching yourself to the subconscious where you're not seeing the labeling of the mind of some implied dichotomy of awareness

And not just that, you become more opened of anything you start thinking about. Demons, killing, blood baths, Shadow work, whatever the hell you can think of (sometimes it just comes naturally and you wonder if you're really a sociopath and/or psychopath). Then you start realizing all of these projections, how could you, your conscious being, even fathom all of this? How could just one aspect that's more aware of reality than the others that just mine the information you're experiencing not need help? You start seeing that as much as you want to believe that you're stable, that you can bear the burden of everything you're experiencing, if you want to get rid of those distractions, you start finding ways to delegate that burden. You focus more on doing things for your own sake, because you know you already have the ability on reserve to communicate with people decently. Their level of communication is slow, boring, so full of incompetence when you can enjoy how fast you're thinking in your mind and in your dreams. It feels like a shitty mess at first, but it gets easier when you keep making your own reasons of setting up filters to prevent yourself from going mad and destroying the projections and people you consider dear to you.

And when you finally have higher sense of self-responsibility and content of yourself, and just yourself, you start becoming afraid that a mere injection of an idea combined with our mind's ability to predict, foresee, and lead you into having the abilities and competence to accommodate the desires you want, you start realizing your faith alone, even if sustained on something dreary as our confusion with our parents is really what gives a huge catalyst to be the potential you wanted to be and much more. But it's a constant back-and-forth motion of trying to delude yourself into thinking that it's just idealism or if it could be possible vs. you actually making a procedure out of it, and seeing it actually happen with experience and all sorts of factors of reaching a goal. People's thoughts and opinions about you are just full of shit, because you already have consideration that they're only expressing such negativity because of their own insecurities. All just distractions, but you still want to hold on to those people because you don't want to become scum by eliminating the memories you had with them. And then when you glance over to the right and you have your fantasy right there waiting for you, you can feel the fucking energy where you just want to escape from everything all at once just for a moment of blissfulness...then you realize that moving forward is the only thing you can do, so you start finding ways to balance your urges...you start seeing why filters were set up, except you use them on concepts and perceptions you aren't capable of handling after going through the pool of negativity of your own self and projections all around you.

Not just that, it's the fact that nothing can be set in stone, it's a progressive lifestyle of knowing the tools of the trade with your mind and knowing when you develop certain realizations and what have you, you go back to those things you set the filter up on, and you experiment to see if you can handle it better than before. Back and forth, we keep doing this until we appreciate its existence, the same goes for the good parts as well. We're always evolving mentally and emotionally, and we start having cognitive bias that people should feel this same way as well, but unfortunately that's not the case. So for me, it ends up me just being quiet and letting them have their moment of feeling confident with their snobby bullshit, or me eventually just letting go of the inhibitions, but I can't do that because it just feels petty. I just let them have their win, it's not like I'll die or anything. Because I know that me trying to retaliate is a reflection of what they're doing, so the only thing I can do is just know that there are many things I don't know, but it doesn't mean I won't give it a try.

And if you can still come out with a smile and somehow still accept how your mind works, and how the world works, or your perception of it works...it's really up to you to make your own definition at that point. But that's just a little of how it feels for me at least, it's how I accept why the mind blocks things, it's only for the sake of stability and giving the conscious more working room to do and experience all sorts of things.

DV pleases me, everyone is more fucked up than I am.

Spoiler for bf leaving rant:

Feel like screaming. Emotions are everywhere today. My boyfriend went back home a few hours ago. I don't think I'm capable of describing it but it's so fucking hard to leave one another. That abrupt change is just too much to handle mentally. From being with someone all the time to never, knowing I'm going to forget the details in a few days and only then will I be okay. Then on the way home my mom started talking to me about using moisturizer, like I could care about that at the time. It took her so long to clue into the fact that I was upset about him leaving, or maybe she was just denying that it was possible to miss him because she dislikes him so much. At first she just seemed mad at me for not talking much and thought I was being rude. Then when she realized it she made a sad attempt to feign that she understood. While that miserable, to be honest I'd prefer that people not try to understand. The experience is so personal it almost feels like an intrusion when people try to relate to me when I'm pretty sure they have no idea. I just want to be alone, and find it rather annoying when my parents try to relate to me and give me advice. My dad has been doing that in particular, since he's been in a long distance relationship before and therefore believes he knows exactly what I'm going through. It's possible, but I doubt it, because he made some comment to his mother about it being way harder for the man to be away physically due to the male sex drive. That just sounds so stupid on so many levels. Mainly because the emotional pain is far worse. The simple desire for sex is nothing in comparison, no matter how strong it is.

Spoiler for money rant:

I have no money in my account. This time last year I had about $4k, now I have exactly $0 with $50 in credit to pay off, which I've been procrastinating in telling my dad about so he can lend me some money. I've never been out of money in my life. Ever since my Bat Mitzvah 10 years ago I've kept my money idle and felt so good about having it without needing it - the opposite of what most people experience. I didn't pay for much while they were here, but I did pay for a few things, at least $100. If I'd known the state my bank account was in I wouldn't have insisted on paying for anything.

Spoiler for airline ticket refund rant:

After not receiving an e-mail back from the airline (United) about my requested $750 or so refund, I decided today to finally phone them again. But first I went through my e-mail just to make sure that they didn't send me something I overlooked somehow. And they had... shortly after I sent them the first e-mail. They said my flight couldn't be refunded because it was a non-refundable ticket. I was counting on getting that money back. It's complete bs. I'll contact them again to make sure I can't at least get the return flight back, since the date of that hasn't been set yet. Or perhaps I can contact the actual site, Expedia I think it was, for the refund. It just sucks. I'm pretty sure I ordered the same kind of ticket last time, and the person who paid for it was refunded since he lived in a different country. But this time I can't be refunded because I paid for it myself? I wanted to send them an e-mail telling them they've lost me as a customer for life unless I have no other option, unless they at least refund me for the return ticket. I may still do that but should probably think about it when my head is clearer.

Spoiler for marker job rant:

Today I decided to check my college e-mail, which I haven't checked in a couple months, to see if an old CS professor I've been corresponding with ever replied to a long, somewhat personal e-mail I sent her. Strangely, she had sent me an e-mail today, the day I happen to check.... She asked if I want to be a marker for a course she's teaching this Fall. On the surface that sounds awesome. I need a job and it would be great for my resume. I was asked to be a marker for another professor a couple years ago, but then they suddenly changed the rules before I could start and made the lab assistants the markers. This would be so, so great. I mean it wouldn't be that much money, only like 60 hours total but it pays well for that amount of time. However, the course that I'd be marking for, although one I've taken before, is one I'd have to study a lot for. I only got a B- in the course although to be fair I wasn't really trying at all at the time. So I'm afraid that I'll say I'm interested, and then they give me some test or something to make sure I can do it and realize I can't. The failure of that would be so terrible.... I'm sure I could learn it by Fall but what if they test me before then? I just wish it was for an easier course, like a first year course, one that I know so well I didn't have anything to worry about. Ugh... So this is making me both ecstatic and terrified. My head just feels fucked today lol. I cannot label what I feel.

They probably have answers for the tests, assuming it's CS. You wouldn't even have to know anything probably.

_______


Rant: So I went to the first day of work today, it was just health and safety bs. The store still isn't finished so couldn't really do any actual work, at least I get paid for it I guess. But they said they want us to buy these polo shirts and I have absolutely no idea why.
They didn't actually say what the point of it is. Every other document I received before starting said we only need black pants, shoes and the company shirt, like a dress shirt. But now they say to buy a polo shirt as well.... I don't even have $20 for it lol I'm broke.
Also I don't wanna buy it if it's only going to be used for these first couple of weeks while we're setting things up.
I might just wear a jumper the whole time since it's cold anyway, and hope that's alright.