Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Life sucks sometimes and I hate myself very very much. I just want someone to love me and I can't even do that right.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

*hugs* for everyone.

I am no longer MIA
One of the very first things I noticed is that I can no post without having to go Incognito
Which, silly as it is, is one of the reasons disappearing was easy for me. Posting here started causing too much stress (yeah, trivial annoyance stresses me )

I have a LOT of catching up to do. LOTS to read

Everything's been pretty much status quo (sp) in my life. I'm still smoking. I'm still not back with my congregation. My house is still a disaster zone. I'm still majorly antisocial
But I'm crocheting more Even joined a crocheting forum the other day.

Zhaylin! It's so nice to see you post again. I really thought you were gone forever, whatever had happened. You have a lot of explaining to do!

Zhaylin!!

*Big Hug*, WishfulThinker.

Dianeva, Dark, I feel so LOVED Thank you both

Nothing really happened. I think I sort of burned out on life lol I'm still in that position a little bit but I'm not as depressed (?)/anti-social as I have been.

Oh wow, it's Zhaylin! Now we just need Aly to come back, and we can be a family again...!

Aly'll be back soon - she's in and out more than Snoop Dog.

**WARNING** Incoming massive rant (for old times sake lol)

I am SOOOOO angry.
BOOM, just like that.
I've been feeling very ill for about a week now. I comes suddenly. One minute I'll feel fine, the next I feel so motion-sick and nauseous that I have to go to sleep to keep from barfing.
There's no reason for it. No fever, no bp problems blah, blah, blah.
IMMEDIATELY after I eat, I feel a little better, but 15-30 minutes later, I feel like crap again. My blood sugar, perhaps?

Which reminds me. I'm having blood work done tomorrow, so I have to remember to fast.

My rant was going to be MUCH, MUCH longer, but Miley came back and talked my ear off for half an hour and I feel a bit better now lol

Yeah. Just when I thought he was dead again, he showed up at the house. That was about 2 months ago. Don't know if I had told y'all or not. She's sticking around for a while is part of the reason I'm so cranky. She came back a heavy smoker and between the 3 of us, I'm always broke. I get $200. a week. It would be nice to be able to just spend that money on myself for a change.
But nope. I still live off of Slim Jims, Chips, Nutty Bars and Soda. When they move out, I'll be able to buy kitchen wares and perhaps eat real food again.

I'm also still sleeping on a metal desk. Don't know if I wrote about that here or not lol. I got sick and tired of buying new air mattresses. But it would be nice to have bed and a room to put it in. But getting hubby to loosen the purse stings might prove to be impossible. At least as long as I keep smoking.

Blah...

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

*hugs* for everyone.

I am no longer MIA
One of the very first things I noticed is that I can no post without having to go Incognito
Which, silly as it is, is one of the reasons disappearing was easy for me. Posting here started causing too much stress (yeah, trivial annoyance stresses me )

I have a LOT of catching up to do. LOTS to read

Everything's been pretty much status quo (sp) in my life. I'm still smoking. I'm still not back with my congregation. My house is still a disaster zone. I'm still majorly antisocial
But I'm crocheting more Even joined a crocheting forum the other day.

:O

Crazy, thought I was dreaming when I saw Zhayling replied in my email updates
You're gonna laugh at my Zhaylin is in hospital/dead theory if you read that far back hehe
Although maybe if you find it, look in to the wikipedia link I posted, coz it might explain some things.

Originally Posted by SnowyCat

Oh wow, it's Zhaylin! Now we just need Aly to come back, and we can be a family again...!

Aly's not coming back man, Aly's never coming back, Aly's gone! (fight club reference )
But really, she probably won't. She is doing well though, being off the computer more often has helped her a lot.

I hope I didn't cause any serious concern.
I may disappear again at some point. It's not that I ever plan to, I've just been in a sort of badish head-space.

I just woke up and I'm already in a foul mood. Probation came over to see my older boy today and told him he HAS to start counseling next week or next month. I sort of zoned as soon as my son told me it was an order and that he HAS to go to the closest big for it... almost an hours drive away. AND he has to go once a week. What the frick?! Are they paying? Of course not. Will my son pay, as he should? Not without a job. So the appointment is $15. then add $15. for gas (at least).
More friggin money to come out of my already friggin empty pockets.
I really hate life.

Tommo. So sorry to hear of your troubles. I'd run away with her (so says a person who knows nothing of the back story).
You're a great guy who deserves to be happy.

A person normally eats when they're hungry and drinks when they're thirsty... right? Gah! Had my blood work done today and urine taken to see if I was dehydrated. I am. My "dizziness" and nausea can most likely be written off as that.
My blood pressure was 98/46. It's the lowest it's been in memory lol. Dr. said that was probably due to dehydration as well.
I mentioned my arthritic finger (my left index has a bony knot on the inside middle knuckle), and she looked at it and acknowledged it was a problem... but we were so distracted by my nausea and blood pressure that we forgot to prescribe something for it (even if exercise, ice, wrap whatever, we never spoke of it again lol) Which was the primary reason for the appointment other than blood work.

'By the time we realize we're thirsty, it's usually too late. We should have been drinking before then.' What the heck? Why drink if your NOT thirsty (well, to keep from getting dehydrated, dumby).

Another thing. I have severe post nasal drip and my nasal cavities are red and inflamed. Unless my throat is phlegmy, I don't notice. I'm suppose to take Nasonex every day for 10 days and get ahold of the Dr. if it's not improved. How will I know? She just glances at my throat and says "Yep. You have a problem." I look at my throat and just see a throat

She did prescribe me something for nausea though. Don't know what it is or how much it will cost though She called it in. I'll see about getting it later tonight.

Health annoys me.

The UPS guy was at the door to drop off a package, and he rang the broken doorbell. He waited there, not realizing it was broken, and then knocked, seemingly annoyed. I heard the knock and went to the door, but he had already gone to his truck on the other side of the road. As I open the door and pick up the package, he yells a thickly sarcastic "Thank you!" from his truck. Fucking people...

My life is falling apart right in front of my eyes and I can't do anything to stop it, I'm going to loose my relationship, my parent's support, my friends will start drifting away, I'm loosing the loan of my horse. All I'll have left is every fucking thing someone wants me to do for them.

I'm so DAMN tired of doing EVERYTHING for everyone else but wherever I fucking try and do something for me it turns out the worst thing I've ever done in my entire life and I'm so sick of fucking everything up.

All I want is for someone to love me. That's what I want from life. I want someone to love me and when I do something wrong I want them to be there so they can tell me what a mess I've made before they help me feel better and fix it. I want to be someone's priority again. I finally experienced that for the first time in my life and I don't want to let that go but as soon as I start dating again I know I'll just fall for complete and utter dicks and they'll break my heart so many times and I'll just let them.

I'm taking the breakdown of my relationship really hard. He's perfect. We share the same interests and are as geeky as each other in a good way, whilst we're still majorly attracted to each other. I mean, I want to date someone who appreciates my love for geeky things but I don't want to date a proper geek because without sounding too shallow, a guy's looks are kinda important to me because if I'm not attracted to them then I don't want to start a relationship with them. It's a flaw I have but I don't think it's too bad. I mean, I want an attractive guy in my life and I had one who gamed with me and now I'm loosing him and it's really cutting me up because I want to stay his friend but I'll do anything for him and I still love him and we're both still attracted to each other and oh God my life's so messed up.

Really, really unhappy with my life right now for so many reasons and I don't know what to do because I can't stop all these horrible changes or pretend they aren't going to happen and I'm so unhappy but I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.

Originally Posted by Wishfulthinker

My life is falling apart right in front of my eyes and I can't do anything to stop it, I'm going to loose my relationship, my parent's support, my friends will start drifting away, I'm loosing the loan of my horse. All I'll have left is every fucking thing someone wants me to do for them.

I'm so DAMN tired of doing EVERYTHING for everyone else but wherever I fucking try and do something for me it turns out the worst thing I've ever done in my entire life and I'm so sick of fucking everything up.

All I want is for someone to love me. That's what I want from life. I want someone to love me and when I do something wrong I want them to be there so they can tell me what a mess I've made before they help me feel better and fix it. I want to be someone's priority again. I finally experienced that for the first time in my life and I don't want to let that go but as soon as I start dating again I know I'll just fall for complete and utter dicks and they'll break my heart so many times and I'll just let them.

I'm taking the breakdown of my relationship really hard. He's perfect. We share the same interests and are as geeky as each other in a good way, whilst we're still majorly attracted to each other. I mean, I want to date someone who appreciates my love for geeky things but I don't want to date a proper geek because without sounding too shallow, a guy's looks are kinda important to me because if I'm not attracted to them then I don't want to start a relationship with them. It's a flaw I have but I don't think it's too bad. I mean, I want an attractive guy in my life and I had one who gamed with me and now I'm loosing him and it's really cutting me up because I want to stay his friend but I'll do anything for him and I still love him and we're both still attracted to each other and oh God my life's so messed up.

Really, really unhappy with my life right now for so many reasons and I don't know what to do because I can't stop all these horrible changes or pretend they aren't going to happen and I'm so unhappy but I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.

I'm sorry to hear how there's some bad things going on in your life, especially with the loan with the horse, I'm presuming that's one of your many passions, and seeing that die down can definitely be a miserable experience.
And as for people and how you express yourself towards them so that you and them see each other as significant and important in their lives, it's completely understandable and I can sympathize with your for this.

We're the type of people that are able to deal with other people's problems and situations, but nobody seems to have time to deal with us. The thing is, because you were able to produce results that people want from you, they look up to you, but only to a certain extent before they go through their own journey of building up friendships with other people.

When we're in a world that wants people that have the ability to produce something (be it love, compassion, etc.), when we're giving this to these people we care about, we tend to forget that it's another form of us appreciating our existence because satisfying others makes us satisfied. But people can change and aren't as proficient in expressing gratitude for our efforts, so when they start treating us like shit when they realize we have problems just like they do, the want to avoid us and find people that can temporarily fit their needs.

So it's completely logical that you can't really tolerate that shit, no sensible person would be able to take all of that backlash from others without having a few scars themselves from it. And although I admit may not be the type of person for a port of call with reasoning and appreciating yourself more in terms of self-love, since I'm battling through that as I continue this life, just know your actions and what you contribute to produce things that people need means that you can change that transfer of producing these things for personal endeavors.

The mere fact that you are capable of associating things with other people means you can do that when you spend some time for yourself and appreciating your existence a lot more. I'm not saying you're not appreciating your existence, it's just one of those coping mechanisms we tend to go through to prevent ourselves from having misguided reasoning with the situations that come before us.

And as for you wanting guys that look good, another understandable need, it's not really a flaw, it's a basic biological and psychological predispositions we all have when we make our own systematic way with scaling attractiveness with people. I don't deny that I would prefer an attractive female that can also express things I like (hobbies, beliefs, etc.), it's something anyone would want to seek first, but reaching that endeavor is something we have to progressively strive for.

Your life isn't really that over, and although it seems you're in a dire situation, at least acknowledge your own existence and your own competence in being able express yourself to others, and know there are other people here that share same moral concern we have in trying to be gregarious with other people.

Again, I'm not really the type of person to be the port of call with this, but just know that people who give things to others (love, compassion, empathy, etc.) are capable of doing it for themselves. It's the type of self-love that extends to appreciation of one's own existence despite of the overwhelming and dire situations that comes before them. You're an attractive girl, so it's alright that you may harbor extreme feelings of using looks as a means to relate and build a bond with a person, but it shouldn't get to the point where it clouds your own judgement with others.

Of course, I don't really have much authority in anything I'm saying, since I'm just as young as you are, and since it's really you that's in control of your life and how you react with others, but just putting this out there that despite of my lack of being able to contribute in your life, appreciating your own existence and appreciating others is always a back-and-forth motion in life. It isn't easy, and it can definitely test our own mental endurance, but just remember what you give to people can be something you can produce for yourself as well.

Spoiler for Signing up for courses rant:

I decided today that I finally need to sign up for these courses, so I've been doing that for the last few hours, but it's overwhelmingly complicated. There are so many levels of requirements that I have to sift through... and a bunch of little problems. For example, I need a certain amount of science credit, but I can't figure out how the hell to see what courses count as science courses, or as arts courses. I mean some are obvious but what about psychology and stuff? Then there's the additional complexity of the fact that I was admitted so late, almost every course is full, so I have to sign up for wait lists and back-up courses to take in case those wait lists never get transferred over.

Also, I've decided I only want all my courses on Mon Wed Fri, since I live so far form the school. I also can't have any courses too early in the morning, they all need to be like... after noon, because my boyfriend works from 2pm - 12am, and the only time we can talk is after he gets home. So if I had a class early in the morning, even for a couple days of the week, my sleep schedule would be fucked or I'd just literally never be able to talk to him. There's no way I can stay up late on some days and wake up early on others. Whenever I've tried that in the past I've ended up staying up late every night and failing my classes due to fatigue. And not talking with him is out of the question. School is important, but I'd like to not sacrifice my entire relationship for it if possible.

The good news is I've finally sorted the worst part out and just need to find a couple science courses, but I have no idea what to choose. I literally have 14 tabs open, not including this one, and I need them all, plus a text file I've been recording information in. Damn I thought trying to figure out what courses I needed to take at college to transfer to this place was complicated. This is ridiculous. It's almost like it's intentionally obscure, making sure you're smart enough to figure out what courses you need to take on your own. Maybe I'm just an idiot and it's only hard because I have terrible organizational skills.

Spoiler for Reading e-mails:

For some reason, yesterday I decided to start reading through all of the e-mails exchanged between me and the person who's now my boyfriend, ever since 2005. Yesterday and today I read every one of them, plus a few from other people along the way, which took like 10 hours. And I just can't believe how easily I forget things. I still remember but it's all encoded in my mind so I have to be reminded. There's just so much I noticed. How my writing style changed, how my personality changed and I matured throughout the years.

Mostly I was reminded of what I was like a couple years ago. For some reason I'd convinced myself that the medical note I got for 'alcoholism' and 'depression' which I used to withdraw late from my courses was complete bullshit. Like I'd just made it up, and I was never that depressed, it was my fault, I was just lazy and starting drama. But holy fuck, reading those e-mails again, it's clear that I was beyond depressed. I was in agony and literally wanted to kill myself, not just that teenage emo "I want to die" thing, but I literally wanted to die, and only didn't kill myself because I knew how sad everyone would be. I truly believed I was a terrible person. It wasn't that attention-seeking self-pity thing, I actually thought I was like... evil. And it was all because I was caught as the pivot in this love triangle for about 6 months. Not a fun dramatic lust triangle, but a serious situation filled with real heartbreak. I didn't even realize it went on for 6 months, I thought it was only like two months. And I'd forgotten how much agony I was in and how much I put them both through. I posted on DV at the time, but I think I was pretty much completely silent about that, except in an anonymous thread, even though it was like all I thought about.

I just wrote a lot more about this, twice in a row, and deleted it because it's too personal and there's no point. I guess I'll keep the last two paragraphs though, I don't know why I even wrote about it.

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

Your life isn't really that over, and although it seems you're in a dire situation, at least acknowledge your own existence and your own competence in being able express yourself to others, and know there are other people here that share same moral concern we have in trying to be gregarious with other people.

This bit I'm aware of. It's just the process of battling my mental health and coming out the other side of that with all these things and now my life's finally back on track I'm just loosing everything and it feels like I'm a passanger in my life and I don't have any control over it because at the moment I'm being told what's going to happen, I'm not making it happen, and whenever I try and make it happen differently I just get put through pain and hurt before things happen the same damn way. I'm so tired of being unhappy but not being able to change it I want to be happy I want someone to love me and them to make me feel happy because I like that. I want that. And every relationship I've ever had I've been walked over by some real dicks and I'm tired of that shit. I had a good relationship for a while, I want this again. It feels good and it makes me feel good about myself. Because it means I'm worth something to other people.

Urgh. Fuck this shit I want to be a swan. I'll be beautiful and mate for life.

Jabre. That would have annoyed me too. People seem to have no patience any more.

Wishful and Dianeva.
No words of wisdom, Wishful. Link summed up everything well.

Dianeva, I sympathize with your "selective memory". When some people get through a personal storm, they seem to trivialize what they went through. It's good if you can revisit your past (emails) without opening old wounds. Even better if you've forgiven yourself.

I can't really revisit my past. I get too wrapped up the pain of the memories. But I do get a kick out of some old school work I have (and a hand-written novella from middle school ). It's seeing how my hand writing evolved and devolved (de-evolved? lol) over the years. I write so infrequently now-a-days that my handwriting looks like chicken scratch

Short rant:

Friend invited me to a party. Didn't know most of them, usually I get on really well with anyone. These fuckers, who he in his good will invited to his house, started sitting outside for an hour and a half without him. I left at 12 because I had no reason to stay between a bunch of impolite pricks. I'm just pissed because of how disrespectful that group was. If anyone did that at my house I'd lock the door and tell them they can go piss off somewhere else.

for you and the host.
I would have done as you would have!

My rant is just money- as usual lol
I just HAD to buy anti-nausea meds (Zofran). They cost $10. for 20 pills (after insurance). I could have used that $10. for smokes or food. I REALLY want a salad from Sheetz: Romaine lettuce, tomatoes, black olives, mild peppers, grilled chicken, sliced hard boiled egg, croutons, shredded cheese. Ugh... now I just made myself hungrier
4 Slim Jims and a box of Nutty bars to feed me for 2 days just doesn't compare!!

So now my oldest son is mad at me because I didn't get him any smokes. Build a friggin bridge. Get a job, hobbo! I bought them a cans of kidney beans and hamburger so they could have chili until Saturday. They also still have about 20 pounds of rice lol But I'd bet almost anything my eldest ate my sardines that go with it. I'm going to be REALLY ticked if he did. That will be one of my meals if he left it. If it didn't, I'm going to have to start hiding my food in my room again.
(It's a large tin of sardines in brine- not the tiny little things covered in mustard that a lot of people immediately think of).

Well classes just started and everything is well at the moment. I am going to school to become a teacher, believe it or not, and I am determined to stick with this. I really need to work on my self confidence though. One of my classes requires me to go to the junior high school and "observe" the going-ons. I am really excited, except that I am broke and have to buy new shoes (dress shoes, god help me) and slacks and a shirt that doesn't show cleavage. I don't dress like a skank or anything, and I don't TRY to show cleavage, it just kind of happens, ya know? But I am really really excited to dress like a professional and to be in the classroom and to finally know if teaching is for sure the thing I want to do with my life. The pay here isn't much, but you don't really go into teaching for the pay. Just excited. It's nice to have a positive rant for once.

Way to go, Suena! Sounds very exciting

Urgh time to UP my ass and do shit now, all myself, this sleaze aint doing shit and aint helpin' either! Fuck him!
So i going to be extra busy now so he can go fuck himself! Time to put my life back together, i got no time for playing around now.

Dream rant: So far NO recall and my mission is getting fucked, maybe it's time to wait for DG to come to his senses, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Because i'm trying to get to him and i can't! Forces are stopping me, so all i can do now is wait once again to be saved....probably like old times.
My dreams has always been dead on right, even concerning my EX-husband! Now dreams are telling me it's time to wait and reuniting will come soon.
I'm done ....for now...see you all in a few days or so AFTER i get shit done so i can get MY fucking life back together!!!!!

Something must be wrong with me. My boyfriend's father passed away and what is my first thought? Not, "is he okay?" Buy "what's expected of me?" Then "I can't put off my trip...my dad has put so much money into it. What do I do?"
I'm a terrible person. :/

Originally Posted by Amurehna

Something must be wrong with me. My boyfriend's father passed away and what is my first thought? Not, "is he okay?" Buy "what's expected of me?" Then "I can't put off my trip...my dad has put so much money into it. What do I do?"
I'm a terrible person. :/

Things happen for a reason.....think that the reason is a positive motive.

Well, I got to sit in with a bunch of sixth graders on their first day of school today. One asked me if I was the teacher and it made me feel all adult-like, haha. It was fun dressing up and kind of playing the part. I had to wear my college id and that was kind of cool. The experience made me feel like a different person almost... or just like a respected person.

Many more days like that to come. I had to run by the college though, before I went to the middle school, to print off a paper. I got the funniest looks by everyone and for once, it really did not bother me. I mean, I knew why they were staring. I probably looked like a dork, really. I wore a collared pink dress shirt and slacks and some dress shoes. I think I looked pretty hot, actually, lol. Just needed the glasses to get that librarian look going, but one girl chuckled at me as I walked by. I'm just mentioning this because normally that kind of thing would make my ego go crazy and I would doubt myself and it would just be a downward spiral from there. Insecurity hole. But that didn't happen and it just made me laugh. I kind of felt like I was seeing myself from her perspective and it made me laugh, too.

That was kind of nice. Good day. Time for homework.