Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Yeah, I think psychiatric meds are over prescribed and especially by doctors who have no business doing so. I've been on just about everything because general practitioners thought I was bipolar. Wellbutrin made me homicidal/suicidal the first time I took it as part of smoking cessation. Now I'm okay on it, but I don't because it just keeps me from yawning my fool head off (anxiety symptom). I just can't justify spending $10. to keep from yawning I can't take the extended release version of it though.
I think everyone with disabling depression should be given Provigil That medicine is a god-send and I really wish I could afford the stuff.

I never did like weed, but ugh... I could fall right back into doing whippets though. But doing so would kill me, so I've kept away from them since 1998/1999-ish.

Athylus for passing

No real rants for me so far. I am annoyed with my mouse though. The center wheel for scrolling is acting up. I find myself scrolling with the arrow keys more often than not.
I need to get off my butt and call the library to extend the movies I checked out. They're due either today or tomorrow. If it's tomorrow, all is well because I'll be out that way.
I've just been crocheting and watching Hulu today. I hate looping plastic bag loops. Miley wants me to make her a plarn/yarn basket that can also be used as a bag (drawstring). I've given her 78 cut bags to loop for me It's turning out nicely so far. The bags are gray from Walmart and the yarn is black. I combine the two together so the plastic doesn't stretch as much when carried.

With yarn scraps, I'm also crocheting sort of long banner type thing (they're sort of like wide scarfs) to hang on my walls to add splashes of color.

I have to go shopping with hubby later though. Blah. lol But if I drive, I get free gas for my tank, so that's good

My dad is an a**hole :/

Tomorrow I'm going to be dropping a letter grade in one of my classes guaranteed because I didn't do that project that's due. At the beginning I really thought I'd have plenty of time so I procrastinated like usual, and then I got a job and started working a lot but didn't adjust my school planning at all, and I started getting even lazier in the time I did have off, and then I got to today and smoked myself stupid, literally to the point that I had a huge headache and just couldn't comprehend the project I was supposed to be doing at all, and now there's only a couple hours left and I've got nothing. I could stay up all night but seeing as how I've school in the early morning followed by a science lab followed by doing nighttime pizza deliveries that's just not going to happen. I didn't even get a full sleep last night. Why am I so fucking stupid?

I'm honestly really thinking about offering to pay my parents from my work income for the classes I'm taking right now and dropping them before the last day to do so and just focusing on work for now. I really want to take another break from school, the first one was not long enough. I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do now but I still don't have the motivation or the focus to do it. There are just other parts of my life that I'm working on that remain a higher priority to me no matter what I try to do to change it. If I could just keep a steady income and get an apartment with a friend or something like I was talking about before and live my life in my free time without having to worry about classes or homework or anything like that I would be perfectly happy right now. The only thing that worries me is the thought that it will be harder and harder to convince myself to go back to school, but the thought of staying in school and continuing to do poorly and waste time and money sounds even worse....

On the other hand, if I can just survive the semester (or maybe still take a break just from this one), maybe I can just go back to being a full-time student next semester and my parents will keep paying for my college without me having to work because my schedule's already packed.... It really doesn't sound more appealing than just working a job in the short-term but it definitely does feel like the better life decision to make, though I wish it didn't. I know that putting off school to just work some basic hourly wage job sounds like a really stupid idea but I really don't think just letting things continue as they are is the right decision....

It always gets me how life can simultaneously be so wonderful and suck so bad. Sometimes I wish I could just turn myself into a machine. The only reason I can even think of doing a job as easy is because there's no outside work like homework and it's so mindless and repetitive that if I have to do something to survive then it just seems easiest to pick that, but even that just sounds so frustrating. No matter what I try to do there's only one thing I really want to do for the rest of my life, only one thing that doesn't just sound god awful, and if you know me at all then you probably know what it is. And I've mentioned in private conversations to multiple people here how I worry about just how much I want it, and I know it may not sound that bad on the surface, but it really does scare me. You can't function in the real world when you have the mindset I have. I need to make some more serious changes if I ever hope to have a genuinely good life.



What's really the worst part is that I'm just so lonely. If I could just meet someone who made feel secure and safe and loved, and who I could focus all of my energy on and just make them happy, I'm sure I would be over the moon right now. If only life were so simple.

Fucking hell, I just typed out a wall of text and I accidentally closed the tab before hitting post. So in summation...

Turns out it was an infection, not testicular torsion. But the symptoms for both are similar and I was supposed to get a scan done, but after a chart mix up, I lost my place in line and would have had to wait another hour (on top of the 5 hours already spent in the emergency room). I guess they said fuck it, gave me some pills and a shot, and sent me on my way. I'm going to the doctor anyway this weekend, I may as well ask him if he thinks a scan is necessary. But my nuts do feel better though, so it's likely it was just the infection and nothing more.
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I always thought you had to lack empathy to be diagnosed with autism, but it turns out that's just a myth. Now I'm left wondering how someone would know if they were on the spectrum, especially when it comes to high-functioning autism and Asperger's syndrome. .-.

Over the years, I've had a few teachers ask me if I was on the spectrum and I always replied with a no. I had never been diagnosed and since I was much more empathetic than most of my peers, I figured it couldn't apply to me. But now the hypochondriac in me is left wondering what compelled my teachers to ask me about autism. I mean, it's such a broad fucking syndrome that these symptoms can apply to anyone, right?

Avoiding eye contact, trouble socializing, trouble communicating and sustaining conversation, seemingly emotionally detached (and displaying attachment in odd ways), odd body language and vocal patterns, preferring to be left alone, trouble regulating emotions, odd facial expressions, repetitive behavior and rituals (eg. preoccupied with having household or other objects in a fixed order or place, can be extremely upsetting if someone or something disrupts the order), sleep problems, hypersensitive to sounds or touch, etc.

All those symptoms apply to me, and people have commented on each one at some point over the years. I'm sure these apply to most people to varying degrees (right?), so I'm sure I'm just being paranoid again. Idk.

Tell me I'm just being silly, tommo.

Alright, this rant is for anyone who wants to be diagnosed with some disorder. What it comes down to is this: stop. Just stop.

I'm going to start out with what I feel is an important point pertaining to real world living. If you get diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder, then that's legally a part of you. Depending on where you live, you may be forced to declare it whenever you have to take certain responsibilities. This is solely so that others can judge whether or not they think you have the capability to hold those responsibilities given your condition, and then take action. That can even include just getting or renewing a driver's license, and many places will slap a hefty fine on you if they find out that you've been diagnosed with something but didn't declare it. Unless you're still in school and need to take the watered down tests or something, being legally diagnosed with something is really not going to help you in any way, only potentially hinder you. Best case scenario, having the diagnosis will change nothing.

My next point is that no natural (e.g., not based on disease or drug use) psychiatric disorder has ever been concretely linked to a specific cause. We don't know what causes them. Research that correlates specific disorders to various brain differences are only based on finding enough participants with a statistically significant trend. Let's say that there are five known different forms of a brain receptor that people can have, and we'll call them rA, rB, rC, rD, and rE. You get a study group together entirely of people who have disorder X, and you feel like one or more of the mutations of that receptor might be responsible for X so you test out each of the participants. What you find, from rA to rE respectively, is that the participants can be divided into the following sections based on whose brain has what: 17%, 18%, 14%, 39%, and 12%. So rD, at 39%, is more than twice as likely to exist in persons with disease X, according to that study group. However, that doesn't change the fact that it's still less than half of the people with X who have rD! Now that doesn't necessarily mean that there isn't a connection; rD may in fact make someone more likely to end up with X, for whatever reason. But that doesn't mean that it's the cause, or even a cause. It could just be an influencing factor to something that's entirely psychological, and more than likely a test group that includes controls (people without X) would also find some people with rD. All scientific experiments for psychiatric disorders are done like this.

Here's an actual example. There's been a statistically significant correlation between a 5-HT2A receptor promoter gene polymorphism called -1438A/G and various disorders depending on the study you look at. These include OCD, anorexia, bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder, schizophrenia, and others. However, for at least almost as many tests that have shown a correlation between that polymorphism and these individual diseases, there have also been tests that haven't. Furthermore, it's interesting to see some of these in the same list; OCD, for example, is generally considered to be something that you're born with, while anorexia is something you develop. OCD and anorexia can be comorbid, but one can exist without the other too, and that polymorphism can be found present in people who have both, either, or neither. However, if you know anything about the 5-HT2A receptor and those diseases, it actually does make a whole lot of sense that they could be linked. But if OCD is caused by a 5-HT2A promoter and yet some people who have that promoter don't have OCD or other apparent issues, what was different about them that allowed them to escape it? Was it simply environmental factors, supporting the idea that while some people may be more likely to get OCD, it is ultimately a psychological issue? Even schizophrenia is said to have the ability to be "dormant" until something brings it out, often things like stress or drug use. So was it really there at all before, or were you just more likely to get it at some point than some other people?

Another thing about these disorders, similarly to which receptors you have, is that they're pretty much all been linked to both high and low concentrations of the same brain chemicals over time, especially dopamine. But when articles and studies try to sell these findings as absolute fact, they leave at some very important information: we change our dopamine levels willingly all the time. When you imagine something, your brain releases dopamine to activate the same process that creates dreams when you sleep. When you eat delicious foods over mediocre foods you get more dopamine release. When you listen to more stimulating music you get more dopamine. Our dopamine levels are in constant flux depending on the way we live our lives. Furthermore, dopamine isn't endless. After a period of high dopamine, you have a period of low dopamine. This is exactly what happens from addictive drug use, and it's why meth and coke and heroin addicts always need that next fix: dopamine rises for the high, and then severely drops afterward. So if any of those psychiatric disorders can be associated with high dopamine, it would make sense that they can be associated with low dopamine too, right? But the important thing to remember here is that we voluntarily influence these levels. I believe that this is the core draw of maladaptive daydreaming, when you daydream so much that you spend more time in the fantasy world in your head than living your real life. Dopamine is addictive, and the more you train your imagination and visualization the more dopamine you tell your brain to release. But it also has many drawbacks, and the outcomes of heavily fluctuating dopamine levels (e.g., stimulation/anxiety, nervous ticks, high emotional needs/blunted emotional responses, etc.) can be seen no matter if you get your dopamine from daydreaming, disorders, drugs, or elsewhere. That being said, could it not be that those who are diagnosed with many disorders are simply those who fall into the spectrum of people who naturally raise there dopamine levels a lot and happen to have a predisposition in whatever direction?

I'll return to the 5-HT2A example here. That receptor specifically controls dopamine release in many parts of the brain, especially those involved in emotional reward and imagination, and the more 5-HT2A receptors you have the more dopamine you'll naturally be releasing at any given time. If you think about this, and you compare it to what I was just saying, you can sort of form an image of what I'm trying to get at: if you have more of these receptors than normal but you don't push the amount of dopamine you have in you all the time then you may not notice any problems at all, but if you're someone who does have that addictive personality, someone who procrastinates and picks short-term highs over long-term gains, someone who daydreams, then you might push it up to a problem point. Whether or not you're that kind of person may have absolutely nothing to do with your genetic makeup, or what kind of brain you have, so much as just the life you were thrust into, but all you need is that push to get you to that point. So when you think about it it really does make sense that all of these things have been tied to these various disorders, but it also leads you to one blaring conclusion: if all this is correct, then it could be that these disorders are in fact from external influences, and that you may just be a little more predisposed to it based on things in your brain, but not doomed to have it. There are plenty of people out there who have been diagnosed with OCD, bipolar, Asperger's, and many other disorders yet go on to live perfectly normal lives once they get a hold on their condition. Could it not be that they simply summoned the willpower to deal with those addictive, imaginative habits that were causing them to spiral down worse and worse, and after they did they returned to a "normal" range of brain activity?

Of course, I am NOT trying to say that there are no disorders that you don't truly have to struggle with, or anything like that. I'm simply suggesting that many psychological disorders in many people may not be nearly as bad as they seem. But what I really want to get at here is that these disorders do not describe exact causes in your brain; that's not what they're for, at least not until the day comes that we actually can positively say that one thing causes a disorder. When I say "This group of people has OCD.", I'm not saying "This group of people has the -1438/AG 5-HT2A receptor promoter polymorphism.", I'm saying "This group of people has a set of symptoms that are close enough to each other to deal with in a similar way." That's all the labels are for, and nothing else. They don't describe specific causes, they describe people. If you go to a psychiatrist and get a diagnosis, they're going to give you two options you can take to help with it. It's either drugs, none of which work forever and all of which come with side effects, or behavioral therapy. And the reason they offer behavioral therapy is because it WORKS. I hate to tell you this if you have some kind of perfect solution world in mind, but whether you have Asperger's, OCD, major depressive disorder, or you're just plain introverted, the path to becoming a social and outgoing person is exactly the same: you work at it, expose yourself to it, overcome your fears, and integrate it into your life. Some people may have to work harder than others depending on their conditions, but that's what it all boils down to. There is no quick fix.

So the point of what I'm saying is this: you already know your symptoms. You wouldn't want to get diagnosed if you didn't. And I know it's nice to think that a psychiatrist is going to know so much more than you do about what's going on in your head, but the sad truth is, they don't. They're just people, and like any groups of people, many of them are flawed. We also live in an age of information, and if there's one thing I can tell you it's that nothing is secret. All of the information that's available to them is available to you, with the only difference being that you know SO much more about what goes on in your own head than they ever could. The only thing they really have over you is experience, but even that is subject to personal bias and all of the many issues with science and assumptions that I just went over here. So why do you need to get diagnosed at all? After all, if disorders only describe symptoms and not causes, and you're already aware of your symptoms, is a diagnosis going to tell you anything at all? No, it really isn't.

The hard truth is that now that you know what your problems are, you have to start dealing with them like any other person would regardless of how mentally healthy or unhealthy they may be. And that's a struggle, but that's true no matter who you are. Having a label attached to you that you've already attached to yourself will not bring things to light, and it certainly isn't required for your problems to be real problems. If you know you're lazy and you procrastinate and daydream and you're socially inept, then those are real issues. It doesn't matter what caused them. It doesn't matter if your set of symptoms match exactly with a group of others under a given label, because even they don't all have the same symptoms, severity of symptoms, brain chemistry, or ways of handling themselves. All that matters now is that you know what your problems are, and all that's left is for you to figure out what's best for you to get over them by following the examples of others that went before you. Stop worrying about what exactly you are right now and focus on getting yourself to where you want to be instead.

End rant.

I have social anxiety but I worked at it by going kayaking with people and getting out more and over the summer I've got a lot better
I can now talk to people and do group activities and I avoid eye contact much less.
All I really need to work on is one on one conversations with people I don't know well like teachers and stuff.
I just realised after a while that there was no point in letting it destroy my life and I might as well face it.
My mums still convinced it was the therapy she made me got to that did it but I don't really think so.

Also my Dad has now done something entirely unacceptable.
I think he may be the biggest most delusional hypocrite on the planet.
He just doesn't listen to a word you say.

Glad it's not as bad as you feared Gavin!

Aly, my p-doc would agree with a lot of what you said. He does his best not to "label" anyone. He says he treats the symptoms regardless of any "disorder". He worries about social stigmas limiting a persons potential.
BUT, some people work better with a label. It's like, you live your life wondering if anyone else suffers in your certain way and what it is that makes you suffer. You fear you're crazy. Then you see a label and the light bulb goes off over your head and you breathe a sigh of relief. Suddenly, everything seems to make more sense.
From there you COULD use the label as a crutch as in "Well, I have [insert disorder] and that's just the way it is" OR you could have a solid enemy to fight. People need to realize that they ARE more than any disorder. Things CAN change.

Which is why I sort of fight against my supposed anxiety disorder. I don't wallow in negative thoughts or despair. I rarely "worry" at all. When people speak with me they go away with a sense of hope and optimism. That's who I am. Strangers frequently comment on the smile I always wear when out in public (and I smile all the time in private too ) But I have anxiety SYMPTOMS but not usually the thoughts that go with it. I just shut down. Without meds, I fall asleep without any control.
My body tingles, goes numb. I have constant adrenaline surges (even when completely relaxed, which is my biggest rant). Once I realized the worst of the attacks weren't going to kill me (unless I fell "asleep" while driving), there was no fear. Just annoyance and frustration. That's a far cry from fear, negative thoughts and despair.

My p-doc says that a traumatic events or events can sort of leave a scar on the brain. It produces the chemicals or whatever that cause the anxiety symptoms even if you're relaxed and at ease mentally/emotionally. That feels like a cop out. But the meds work :shrug: So I'm mostly resigned about the whole thing. I take my meds and I feel fine 98% of the time. Whether it's anxiety or not, I can't say. There have been no "traumatic" events in my life. All of this culminated into the worst of the worst when driving the RV was thrust upon me. I LOVED driving that thing but I had only been sporadically driving a car for under a year and the RV overwhelmed me. That counts as a traumatic event that could leave scar?
I mean, my home life when growing up was tough but I wasn't an abused kid. Nothing justifies the symptoms I feel

So, a sort of self-forgiveness also comes into play with labels. A lot of things you can trace, understand and fight against to change. Some things will never make sense. Don't hate yourself for any of it. You are who you are, so make the most with what you have.

My rant is that I slept in the car at GED today. That's the only time I read, so I'm making very slow progress through a book I've had for almost a month now. And now I have yet another book to read on top of it. Which can't be done for me lol. I'll start setting aside time to read at home and I'll try to have it finished by the time it's due. Then I'll renew the other one if I have to. I have a trip coming up with hubby (2 actually, ugh), so I'll get lots of reading done then.

Another rant is that I have a wedding to go to tomorrow. It's the daughter of one of hubby's employees (the mother and grandmother work for him). The grandmother is our "wife". We would fall apart without her. She runs the bills at the office and takes care of paying his personally bills too. She even bought a wedding gift and card for the soon-to-be newly weds. She knows us so well lol. We have little ... I wouldn't call them social skills. Skills in social civilities? We rarely even think about getting gifts and things like thank you cards never happen unless Norma (the grandma) buys them. We know how to socialize and minimally mingle but afterward we want to sleep for a week because it's so draining lol.

I got two dresses though. Hubby's treat. He also completely filled my car with gas when we went out yesterday. He usually only puts $10. or $20. in the tank but he's half expecting a trucker strike this weekend so he wanted our tanks full.
That's it. Time to pop in my new audio book and crochet for a while.

I agree with you Zhaylin, when I first diagnosed myself with anxiety I felt immensely better, I'd felt so lost and alone before and thought I was completely crazy.
It did become a bit of a hindrance for me after a while though.
Have fun crocheting! I always thought that was a really cool skill

Originally Posted by ProudasaPeacock

I have social anxiety but I worked at it by going kayaking with people and getting out more and over the summer I've got a lot better
I can now talk to people and do group activities and I avoid eye contact much less.
All I really need to work on is one on one conversations with people I don't know well like teachers and stuff.
I just realised after a while that there was no point in letting it destroy my life and I might as well face it.
My mums still convinced it was the therapy she made me got to that did it but I don't really think so.

Good for you! That's exactly what I'm talking about. Hopefully it just keeps getting better and better for you!

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Aly, my p-doc would agree with a lot of what you said. He does his best not to "label" anyone. He says he treats the symptoms regardless of any "disorder". He worries about social stigmas limiting a persons potential.
BUT, some people work better with a label. It's like, you live your life wondering if anyone else suffers in your certain way and what it is that makes you suffer. You fear you're crazy. Then you see a label and the light bulb goes off over your head and you breathe a sigh of relief. Suddenly, everything seems to make more sense.
From there you COULD use the label as a crutch as in "Well, I have [insert disorder] and that's just the way it is" OR you could have a solid enemy to fight. People need to realize that they ARE more than any disorder. Things CAN change.

I've actually been through that process multiple times in my life, so I know exactly what you're talking about. But I think my point still stands; all I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't need someone else to give you a solid enemy to fight. People think that their problems aren't solid until they fall under a certain label, that otherwise they should just be blaming themselves for not living up to standards, but it's not true. Those problems are solid whether or not there's a name given to them, and that's what people should be realizing. Why use something that can only either be a crutch or unnecessary?

I love your attitude though.

Originally Posted by ProudasaPeacock

I agree with you Zhaylin, when I first diagnosed myself with anxiety I felt immensely better, I'd felt so lost and alone before and thought I was completely crazy.
It did become a bit of a hindrance for me after a while though.

^^ This is what I'm talking about lol. People become so caught up in trying to label themselves that other things get pushed aside, such as in this situation actually trying to get over your problems. You shouldn't really be thinking of them as labels or things that define you, just guides to help you improve.

I've also just spent a lot of time in communities focused around labels though, not just ones about disorders. People are like addicted to finding which label perfectly defines them, and I can admit to having been there too. The problem is that no such labels exist, and they're certainly not going to be the most valid when applied to you by someone else. Now I'm just of the opinion that the whole thing is overdone, and we really should be focusing on the more important aspects of our issues.

Ah, lots of earthquakes lately in the upper North Island - pretty strong ones too - and I'm starting to wonder if any places near me are gonna be the next Canterbury or Wellington (they are the cities that have had lots of 'em lately). It seems to be happening a lot! Then there's the huge risk of tsunamis in the area. Ha, sometimes I feel like moving to one of the mountains in the country! :p

Also, I have to go back to school on Monday to study for exams. Noooo

(This thread is so addicting... Wow.)

Well said Aly.
I still like my labels though And I still search them out, though less and less as time moves on.
Right now, I still see my brain as my enemy. I know I shouldn't. I'm still working on accepting who I am and working with what I have. I hate having to take money for something I don't understand. Haha, Freudian Slip? I left it for the humor
I hate taking MEDICINE for something I don't understand. And yes, I also hate having to spend money on said meds

The theory behind anxiety- as I understand it- is that the more you confront the thing that makes you uncomfortable, the more the anxiety goes away.
That does NOT work for me. Like being around large numbers of people. I never thought anxious thoughts. I was happy to see everyone, though I was uncomfortable by the number of people. Uncomfortable. Not anxious or fearful. I'd fall asleep. The more I forced myself to be in such situations, the SOONER I'd fall asleep. It's like I'd take a bit of poison (for example). The poison took X amount of time to work through my system but never completely disappeared. So every time thereafter, the poison just kept accumulating- taking less and less time to effect me. I called it an accumulative effect. (How original ) My thoughts were always the same but my body exceedingly over-reacted.

The first thing I considered was narcolepsy and catalepsy. But with narcolepsy, short naps renew a persons energy. I could sleep all day after an episode. And I was certain it was just catalepsy until recently, but people in a catalepsic (sp) state are completely aware of what's going on around them. When it first strikes, that's true. My voice slurs, my body slumps and I seem unable to "wake" myself up (during a spell it feels like EXTREME fatigue where I can't pull myself out of the soon-to-be sleeping stupor).

It annoys me a great deal not knowing WHY my body and brain turn on me. It doesn't make sense. Labels help a person to make sense out of things they don't understand.

ProudasaPeacock- cute name BTW and welcome to RRCaC I'm glad your efforts have helped you! Sorry for all the troubles you've been having with your dad.
And sorry to everyone else about not replying as I normally, at least, try to do.

Cherry, stay safe! Earthquakes scare me and Tsunamis terrify me. Good luck on your exams

My new rant is that I took a 4 hour nap lol BUT, the wedding isn't until 3:00 so I can still sleep in.
One of the dresses I bought will be returned. I bought it on sight because I missed it during my first pass and the line to the changing room was way too long to wait for at that point. It's an adorable dress. One I think of as an Easter dress. It's baby doll cut with spaghetti straps and would have been perfect. But it makes no attempt to cover your boobs so I'd be incredibly uncomfortable in it. I don't have anything I could wear under it without it looking too strange. The zipper on it is also about to die.

Time to find food and watch Hulu. Hope everyone's having a great evening (or morning lol)

Thanks Zhaylin! ProudasaPeacock is the first username I've had that I really like, I'm glad you like it too!
I've calmed down a bit now about my dad, I was just a bit shocked that he would do the thing he did.
But don't worry! I still have something to complain about :/
Our landlord has decided to sell our house and the store attached to it, so we'll probably be moving out before Christmas.
He had some people over to look and they probably think I'm insane now because in my room has a rocking horse with no ears or tail, a heavily used blue wooden sword and a big yellow snail.
I'm really sorry about your anxiety, it sounds very different from mine so I don't know if I can help.
Forgive me if I don't offer my thoughts on it but I never know what to say about psychology and stuff.
Again though, I do agree with your thoughts and labels can be a great comfort when you think you've gone mental
Shame about your dress, but I hope you enjoy the wedding
Cherry, I'm sorry to hear about the earthquakes and exams
We always get tsunami warnings where we live, but none have happened so far.
Stay safe!

Originally Posted by tommo

I think it is a weak diagnoses anyway, it doesn't mean anything, there's no physical aspect of the brain they can point to and say "this is why your brain fires this way" or whatever....

Yeah, but at least the person would know that it's not their fault. Not that it would be their fault anyway. Even if it isn't Asperger's, it's still obvious that there is something different about my brain, probably something I was born with, so it shouldn't be my fault. Yet it still feels like it's less my fault if I were diagnosed with something that other people have.
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Spoiler for Asperger's rant:

Anyway I kinda concluded that I don't have Asperger's a few days ago and mostly stopped thinking about it. But then I watched a video today which I related to sooo much. Even things that I thought no one else experienced. For example, the guy said he thinks people with Asperger's tend to look a certain way, from his experience with them. They tend to have bags under their eyes and have at look like 'fuck this', like they're tired and exhausted from too much thinking. I just happened to be thinking about that recently. I've been catching glimpses of my face in the window while standing on the skytrain, and realizing that I look exactly like that even when I feel like I'm making no expression at all. It's really been bothering me. And I didn't even know before watching that video that it was associated with Asperger's (according to that guy). And the thing about being sensitive to inputs... I definitely have that. Sudden little noises or visual changes make me jolt in my seat, and I've never been able to stay in shopping malls for longer than 20 minutes or so before I start literally getting a headache from the input overload. Then I watched another video which explained that people with Aspergers tend to be paranoid, because they're so bad at reading people, yet they try anyway and come to the wrong conclusions, so they end up believing strongly that other people have certain beliefs and intentions while really they don't. And fuck.... this is exactly what happens with me. I've even mentioned that on here before. It's so bad in my case that I suspect most of what I just assume to be true about most of the people I know is probably false.

The thing is, I keep hearing that people with Asperger's are supposed to be pretty much socially retarded, to have no idea what other people are thinking, unable to relate to people at all (though many of them want to, which is one of the differences between that and regular Autism). But maybe those sources have it wrong. Granted, I used to be socially retarded. But lately I do understand social cues, even more than most people in some ways. For example, if I hear people talking I can tell if one of them is annoyed or wants to stop the conversation even when the other is oblivious. And I'm good with close relationships if I know the other person well. Like romantic relationships especially. I'm extremely in tune with the other person and can joke around and be in sync and stuff.

And just in general... I feel like I have an intuitive knowledge about the social subtleties of the situation. And I have heard that people with Asperger's learn to be able to do this in adulthood but it's more like they're memorizing the rules rather than understanding. But I feel I have learned to understand, not simply memorize rules. And I've gotten to the point where, if I try really hard (which I hardly do because it tires me out) I can manage to act normal and not awkwardly. Although even then, I'm still different. I still can't seem to get to the point where the other person feels they can talk to me naturally. I guess I can't help giving a 'go away' vibe to everyone, even when I try to act friendly. It's like people can just sense something unrelatable about me and they end up ignoring me after a few lines of dialogue. Every time... which is why I literally haven't made a friend in person in the last 12 years. Well I suppose I have but those circumstances have all been different, sending a drunk e-mail or being isolated with the same people. All of the above sounds like someone with regular social phobia who perhaps lacks some social intuition, which may simply be explained by the fact that I've had so few friends, so few opportunities to practice.

But I just can't ignore how well I relate to the other symptoms... I guess there isn't just one category it can all fall into. So maybe I share characteristics but don't have it completely.

Originally Posted by GavinGill

Avoiding eye contact, trouble socializing, trouble communicating and sustaining conversation, seemingly emotionally detached (and displaying attachment in odd ways), odd body language and vocal patterns, preferring to be left alone, trouble regulating emotions, odd facial expressions, repetitive behavior and rituals (eg. preoccupied with having household or other objects in a fixed order or place, can be extremely upsetting if someone or something disrupts the order), sleep problems, hypersensitive to sounds or touch, etc.

Now I'm thinking I have Asperger's too. Every symptom applies to me. And I thought I'm just an INTJ.

My foot is in so much fucking pain. >.O I delivered pizza to this house that had like a winding staircase up to the door and they didn't leave any lights on, and on the way down I tripped. I thought I just twisted my ankle, and I'm still hoping it's just that but severe because it's not really swollen or discolored or anything, but the pain has just gotten worse and worse since and ice didn't help even slightly. I finished the last couple hours of my shift after it happened and then came home and it suddenly hit me how bad it was. I smoked to try to get rid of some of the pain but it also didn't help, I can't even walk around so I'm crawling from room to room. I did still have an old leg cast from a couple years ago though (I call it Mega Foot) so I slapped that on and it's helping a little bit. I just took 10 mg of hydrocodone a few minutes ago so I'm hoping those will finally provide some relief, or at least sleep if nothing else. I really just hope it's nothing too bad, particularly if it would keep me from doing my job. >_<

What the hell happened here? haha, so many long posts.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

That actually sounds great! Does it list a myrcene content anywhere?

I'm thinking about ordering some mango wine now. >.>

Nope, but I'm assuming the mangoes are from Queensland, since I think that's the only place they grow in Australia, and the mangoes there are perfect, so it should be pretty high, I'd say.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

They should definitely be prescribing MDMA since they originally were and it was shown to work for that kind of stuff. Ketamine is definitely good for depression in tests but I don't know if I think it should be implemented yet. At least, I probably wouldn't prescribe it to someone who was in catatonic depression lol. Arylcyclohexylamines are genuinely addictive and someone who already lies around doing nothing all day is a prime candidate for becoming hooked on ketamine, plus the bladder problems from chronic use.... At least MDMA motivates you and gives you tons of energy. It would definitely need to be alongside therapy though - the hangover could really bring down people who weren't properly prepared for it.

Well, yeah MDMA would have to be done with therapy, otherwise it isn't nearly as useful. Whereas Ketamine, IMO, is perfect for severe depression.
Neither should be used everyday, I'm not saying that. MDMA should be used for therapy, 3 sessions and then maybe every 6 months or every year after that.
Ketamine should be used long term as needed, but the effects apparently can last from 2 weeks to a month from a single dose, and it's instant, which makes it perfect to drag someone out of severe depression and allow them to work on getting themselves better, or in combination with therapy.

I've thought about purposely breaking my leg or something just to get Ketamine at the hospital haha I really wanna try it. Now that Silk Road is shut down, I have no way of getting it, short of robbing a vet clinic.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Rant: Good god. So I was just out on the back porch smoking out of that double-wide bong I mentioned before, The Girth

I'd just like to go on record and say that is the biggest stoner name haha

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

It always gets me how life can simultaneously be so wonderful and suck so bad. Sometimes I wish I could just turn myself into a machine. The only reason I can even think of doing a job as easy is because there's no outside work like homework and it's so mindless and repetitive that if I have to do something to survive then it just seems easiest to pick that, but even that just sounds so frustrating. No matter what I try to do there's only one thing I really want to do for the rest of my life, only one thing that doesn't just sound god awful, and if you know me at all then you probably know what it is. And I've mentioned in private conversations to multiple people here how I worry about just how much I want it, and I know it may not sound that bad on the surface, but it really does scare me. You can't function in the real world when you have the mindset I have. I need to make some more serious changes if I ever hope to have a genuinely good life.

I think you've told me before, but I can't remember if I'm misremembering. Anyway, you should do it.
Just do it.
You don't have to run toward it, you can take detours or get lost, but just keep it in your everyday consciousness and work toward it.

Originally Posted by GavinGill

Tell me I'm just being silly, tommo.

Hah, well if you took my advice on the balls thing, you wouldn't have gone to the hospital and found out about the infection.
OTOH, even if you do have Asperger's there's nothing you can do about it anyway.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I've actually been through that process multiple times in my life, so I know exactly what you're talking about. But I think my point still stands; all I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't need someone else to give you a solid enemy to fight. People think that their problems aren't solid until they fall under a certain label, that otherwise they should just be blaming themselves for not living up to standards, but it's not true. Those problems are solid whether or not there's a name given to them, and that's what people should be realizing. Why use something that can only either be a crutch or unnecessary?

I didn't read your long post on this yet, but I agree totally. This is pretty much exactly what I said to Dianeva another time.
It really just doesn't fucking matter at all, unless there is something you can do about it of course.
If they had a pill to cure autism, sure, go and get tested. But they don't.

And especially with "personality disorders", or Asperger's.... they're just a conglomeration of apparent traits that one has in their way of thinking. That's it.

And as is evident here, people match some symptoms perfectly, but then they say they are good at some things or worse at some things, or don't have that one at all or they used to have some symptoms but it was due to some other thing.

For example

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Then I watched another video which explained that people with Aspergers tend to be paranoid, because they're so bad at reading people, yet they try anyway and come to the wrong conclusions, so they end up believing strongly that other people have certain beliefs and intentions while really they don't. And fuck.... this is exactly what happens with me. I've even mentioned that on here before. It's so bad in my case that I suspect most of what I just assume to be true about most of the people I know is probably false.

This is probably due to anxiety. It goes back to something I said a few posts ago.... about the people who think they are good at telling whether people like them or not usually have low self-esteem and/or anxiety, those sorts of traits, so where other people would just ignore/not notice tiny facial expressions and keep acting the same way, people who are anxious or have low self-esteem will be scrutinizing every little thing and getting paranoid and end up acting in ways which actually do make people not like them. It's self-fulfilling.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

For example, if I hear people talking I can tell if one of them is annoyed or wants to stop the conversation even when the other is oblivious. And I'm good with close relationships if I know the other person well. Like romantic relationships especially. I'm extremely in tune with the other person and can joke around and be in sync and stuff.

And this pretty much confirms that this is the cause of it for you. Once you know them well, or don't know them at all and aren't engages in conversation, you have less/no anxiety, and so you stop being paranoid.

BUT! Why the fuck does it matter? What difference does it make whether that trait of your personality, that way you think, is caused by Asperger's or anxiety?
Either way, all you can do is recognise it and work on getting better at it. It literally does not help you at all to know what causes it.
And it may even be that anxiety causes that trait in people with Asperger's, since they have higher levels of anxiety as well and the whole "syndrome" is probably just a conglomeration of different
traits anyway, rather than some identifiable Asperger's region in the brain.

In summary, I think the important thing is to just work on WHY you do the things you do, or act the way you act, or think the way you think.
Don't get worked up about it, just analyse your thought patterns and eventually, you find the answer.
It's a lifelong thing, if you just have the mindset that you always need to improve, if you don't like how you are or where you are in life.
Asperger's or not, people who want to improve will analyse why they do things and then work on going in the direction they want and improving aspects of themselves.
People who get a label and go "oh, k cool, not my fault", never improve.

Some of my friends are fucking idiots. Last year I went to a party every saturday along with some friends. But now that my new school year has started, I'd rather sleep in during the weekends and basically just relax. A friend of mine asked me to go to a party last week. But I wasn't feeling too well and I was really tired so I told him I didn't want to go. He deleted me on facebook and ignored all my texts, he won't even speak to me anymore lol. He even told me this: "you're not even worth being my friend". Just because I missed one party? That's bullshit. And tbh, he knows that I used to have a heart disease which still makes me feel tired sometimes. Same thing happened today with some other friends. There's a party nearby and they're basically forcing me to go with them. They just tell me to go out, get drunk so feeling tired won't be an issue anymore. But I know for a fact that if I go out tonight, I won't be on school on monday cause I'd feel sick and tired. I'm pretty sure they're quite mad at me for not going

Originally Posted by Crashyy

Some of my friends are fucking idiots. Last year I went to a party every saturday along with some friends. But now that my new school year has started, I'd rather sleep in during the weekends and basically just relax. A friend of mine asked me to go to a party last week. But I wasn't feeling too well and I was really tired so I told him I didn't want to go. He deleted me on facebook and ignored all my texts, he won't even speak to me anymore lol. And tbh, he knows that I used to have a heart disease which still makes me feel tired sometimes. Same thing happened today with some other friends. There's a party nearby and they're basically forcing me to go with them. They just tell me to go out, get drunk so feeling tired won't be an issue anymore. But I know for a fact that if I go out tonight, I won't be on school on monday cause I'd feel sick and tired. I'm pretty sure they're quite mad at me for not going

Sorry to say but it's hard to get real friends that care about you these days, personally i think they don't care about your well being OR they think you are now giving excuses not to go out and think you are better than them. These are not friends, these are temporary friends, for i have not much friends and the reason why i don't is because of this.

Peacock, (is it okay to shorten it lol) glad life has settled somewhat. I don't know what dear old dad did, just try to remember that parents are human- not perfect- and they're bound to screw up and let people down.
That's pretty crappy about your landlord!! Did your family at least suspect something like that might happen? Hope you find another home quickly.
And no worries about not offering advice. Many of us feel we're amateur psychologists but we're really just ranting and trying to solve puzzles. We just listen to the rants and offer puzzle pieces we might have tucked away

I will NOT be enjoying the wedding. I hate interacting with people- especially a large group of people I don't know. But I jest, in part. It will be okay. There will be food

Dianeva, this might be hard to hear? But perhaps you only THINK your good at social interaction and picking up on subtleties? Or, perhaps you HAVE gotten better with age and being around people more? There are different levels to the disorder. Perhaps you're on a mild scale?
Miley, for instance, thinks she's the greatest at picking up cues and reading body language etc. She's actually the worst person I've ever known when it comes to those things But perhaps I judge according to my standards and knowledge. I AM one of the best there is When I noticed how backward my kids were about that sort of thing, I tried teaching them how to pick up on cues. Maybe something stuck with Miley. Maybe she just sucks at reading me and does wonderfully elsewhere.
Try testing your ability with strangers (as you yourself have acknowledged, it's easier when you know a person). Find a spot to people watch. Look for couples and small groups (no more than 4, preferably 2 or 3). Be far enough away that you can't hear them and just watch how they act. When you're comfortable with your skill, get close enough that you can hear them and see if what you think you know is correct.

Aly, hope your foot is okay!!!!! That sucks that the people weren't considerate enough to turn on a light!

Tommo, impressive job tackling those replies

My rant is that I worried about not being able to sleep for nothing. I felt drowsy at 11:00 and I fell asleep before midnight. I didn't wake up until 11:30 this morning. What the heck 11 1/2 hours of sleep?! Ugh! But I guess I needed it and I had some great dreams. When I fly in my dreams, it's more like controlled levitation. I have to have at least one hand free. When I want to rise, I motion toward the ground. When I'm trying to get close to something or a direction I "pull" myself there.
The dream was very scenic and I wanted to share the view, so I carried people into the sky to see it from my perspective.
In later dreams, I was escaping some place with a bunch of people and I had to "fly" them to safety (we were inside some huge, crumbling structure).

Now it's time to watch Hulu for an hour then get ready for the wedding. I'm so glad I'm not like my hubby or most (stereotypical) women. It takes hubby 2 hours to get ready for anything. It takes me about 20 minutes if I'm going to wear makeup. That includes time for showering. I normally don't care if my hair is wet or not- I just pull it into a ponytail/bun anyhow.

Originally Posted by Crashyy

Some of my friends are fucking idiots. Last year I went to a party every saturday along with some friends. But now that my new school year has started, I'd rather sleep in during the weekends and basically just relax. A friend of mine asked me to go to a party last week. But I wasn't feeling too well and I was really tired so I told him I didn't want to go. He deleted me on facebook and ignored all my texts, he won't even speak to me anymore lol. He even told me this: "you're not even worth being my friend". Just because I missed one party? That's bullshit. And tbh, he knows that I used to have a heart disease which still makes me feel tired sometimes. Same thing happened today with some other friends. There's a party nearby and they're basically forcing me to go with them. They just tell me to go out, get drunk so feeling tired won't be an issue anymore. But I know for a fact that if I go out tonight, I won't be on school on monday cause I'd feel sick and tired. I'm pretty sure they're quite mad at me for not going

I can totally relate to this situation. Has happened with me multiple times. Like hathor28 said, this is why I don't have many friends.

Since I came back from my trip I feel lighter. Like the wounds I had, or more appropriately the holes I dug for myself, aren't so deep. That maybe I can be happy where I am. Part of me wants to question it, to start digging for answers because a small eternally obsessive part of me needs to understand why I feel different. I'm holdin off though, for as long as I can I'll allow myself to be happy with my home life and not gather tiny hurts that amass into one senseless blob of hurt so convoluted that I can't remember where it even came from.

Eventually I will start digging. It's in my nature. Maybe for now though, I can be content.

On a hopeful note, I may start singing with a guy I used to work with. It will be fantastic. I've been itching to sing, I'm tired of singing to myself.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Peacock, (is it okay to shorten it lol) glad life has settled somewhat. I don't know what dear old dad did, just try to remember that parents are human- not perfect- and they're bound to screw up and let people down.
That's pretty crappy about your landlord!! Did your family at least suspect something like that might happen? Hope you find another home quickly.
And no worries about not offering advice. Many of us feel we're amateur psychologists but we're really just ranting and trying to solve puzzles. We just listen to the rants and offer puzzle pieces we might have tucked away
I will NOT be enjoying the wedding. I hate interacting with people- especially a large group of people I don't know. But I jest, in part. It will be okay. There will be food

Peacock is fine
The thing with my dad is a bit different than regular teenager-parent hate though.
He's done a lot of horrible things to my sister my mum and I over the years, but his latest atrocity is the straw that broke the camels back.
I did calm down about him yesterday but he's come back with another one of his long e-mails this morning. He acts like some kid not getting it's way :/
The moving-out thing was completely out of the blue, he just knocked on the door and told my mum he'd be having people look over the house because he's selling it.
Luckily we've found some great looking places on kijiji that we might look at soon This place isn't very good for the winter anyway, barely any insulation. It'll just be a bit annoying moving again after six months being here.
Yeah, sorry about the advice thing, I'm just always worried I'll say the wrong thing about that kind of stuff and upset somebody.
Sorry to hear about the wedding, but food is always a good excuse not to talk to somebody. It's a bit hard to have a conversation with two pieces of cake in your mouth
Personally I hate sleeping in, I just feel so groggy for the rest of the day. Glad you got a nice dream though! I didn't get any time for one last night, I just kept waking up and couldn't get back to sleep
I hope the wedding isn't too bad!

Originally Posted by tommo

In summary, I think the important thing is to just work on WHY you do the things you do, or act the way you act, or think the way you think.
Don't get worked up about it, just analyse your thought patterns and eventually, you find the answer.
It's a lifelong thing, if you just have the mindset that you always need to improve, if you don't like how you are or where you are in life.
Asperger's or not, people who want to improve will analyse why they do things and then work on going in the direction they want and improving aspects of themselves.
People who get a label and go "oh, k cool, not my fault", never improve.

That wouldn't be my reaction. It would be nice to know that there were other people who had the same social problems as I do. I've been fighting how weird I am all my life and feeling as though I should be acting normal and able to be social and I'm just too stupid to realize how or something. I honestly have always felt so fucking weird, like there's something essentially different about me from almost all other females. Knowing that others experienced it would make me feel less lonely about it and like there was hope for improvement. People with it, especially females, tend to become really good 'social chameleons' and can often interact flawlessly, which is why they're almost always diagnosed late. So if I have it, then that offers hope for improvement, rather than an excuse to give up. In fact after reading a couple book summaries on female-specific asperger traits, I'm almost sure that I have, if not Asperger's, some altered version of it, because way too much of it described me in specific ways that I doubt others would relate to. Literally like 95% of what I read about the females, it explains almost all of the stuff I couldn't relate to while reading the regular male traits. Honestly the realization that I have it at least partially, just reading that there are other people who experience certain things, has made me feel less of a failure and motivated to try harder. I realize that it's just a collection of personality traits that tend to go together and so are placed under an umbrella label. I feel bad enough for posting about this selfish thing exclusively over the last couple pages and I plan to stop talking about it now.

Today, my ex hubby, sent a "Sorry" message to me on facebook messages inbox. He said "Sorry for all the things i did to you, i need to talk to you about things."????...................................... .............................
Like that is suppose to make me feel better?, getting a message that he admitted he did wrong and it was 100% legit on purpose? No, it doesn't heal my wounds, it never will. He can say babe, and sorry for all i care.......i'm done!
I told him back, don't call me because i won't pick up the phone, and i don't want to hear your voice, i told him like it is, and said he will not find a girl ever to be with longer than we did because he will never get a girl to endure what he did.
Talk of what?....there is nothing to talk about.....even if he did something bad...like cheat....or be with someone else...i don't care anymore...he can do whatever, he can go and club outside and meet girls. I told him i don't care, and i still got to wait for a reply back since 5pm. But i don't care what he got to say anyways as long as i said MY part.
All i know is, when a guy tells you they need to talk to you about things, it's usually not good,...... like i care now anyways?