Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Originally Posted by tommo

Nope, but I'm assuming the mangoes are from Queensland, since I think that's the only place they grow in Australia, and the mangoes there are perfect, so it should be pretty high, I'd say.

Good to know lol. The mango wine I found online is from Australia too, so that just makes me even more tempted.

Originally Posted by tommo

Well, yeah MDMA would have to be done with therapy, otherwise it isn't nearly as useful. Whereas Ketamine, IMO, is perfect for severe depression.
Neither should be used everyday, I'm not saying that. MDMA should be used for therapy, 3 sessions and then maybe every 6 months or every year after that.
Ketamine should be used long term as needed, but the effects apparently can last from 2 weeks to a month from a single dose, and it's instant, which makes it perfect to drag someone out of severe depression and allow them to work on getting themselves better, or in combination with therapy.

I've thought about purposely breaking my leg or something just to get Ketamine at the hospital haha I really wanna try it. Now that Silk Road is shut down, I have no way of getting it, short of robbing a vet clinic.

You know... the idea of using ketamine infrequently never even occurred to me lol. I suppose I could see it in that way, and just have it be like a session rather than a prescription or something. I had a friend who actually broke something in his foot and got ketamine at the hospital. They didn't give him enough to knock him out, and he tripped hard. I'm not sure if it had an antidepressant effect or not though.

But be honest.... Would you really have ever used the Silk Road for it even if it was still up?

Originally Posted by tommo

I'd just like to go on record and say that is the biggest stoner name haha

Hehehe, why thank you! That thing really is massive though, and it fucks people up. No one can handle The Girth. It's too much for them. X3

(I hit it several times a day. )

Seriously though... it's probably the strongest piece I've ever used lol. It has more psychedelic trips from weed on record than any other I've owned. I got it in Las Vegas.

Originally Posted by tommo

I think you've told me before, but I can't remember if I'm misremembering. Anyway, you should do it.
Just do it.
You don't have to run toward it, you can take detours or get lost, but just keep it in your everyday consciousness and work toward it.

This is so vague, how am I supposed to know if you're remembering correctly? X)

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Aly, hope your foot is okay!!!!! That sucks that the people weren't considerate enough to turn on a light!

Thanks, Zhay! And I know, it wouldn't be that hard. My foot is feeling a lot better now though. It still hurts a bit when I put pressure on it, but I think I should be able to work again well enough by tomorrow (I called out of it today). I got my foot and ankle x-rayed too just to be safe so I'll see if it's anything serious hopefully soon, but from the way it feels it was probably just a really bad sprain. So with luck it should be back to normal soon!

-----

Rant: Ehh... the usual. Need to quit smoking weed, like seriously. I'm also starting to get bad headaches again, which I think is a reflection of how much time I've been spending on the computer again. I think I'm going to have to start cutting back my usage a lot, because they're getting unbearable. If I can tackle these two things effectively I'm pretty sure life will get a lot better.

Ugh... we got home from the wedding at around 6:00. I came here and read messages but couldn't keep my eyes open. I was sound asleep by 6:30 and didn't wake until 2AM. I had only been awake for 7 hours and I had 11 hours of sleep before that. Blah! Which is why I say my problem isn't *anxiety* but some sort of sensory overload. The wedding was nice. I worried that my clothes weren't dressy enough but it turned out to be a rather casual affair. The kids crying throughout the whole thing actually further lightened the affair for me. I was paying attention to the little ones
Even the food was simple: grilled hotdogs, hamburgers, chicken, something like au gratin potatoes and green beans. There were kegs of beer (which I didn't drink lol), soda and water. Country music was played. We sat with Norma and her hubby and she told us the bride was wearing cowboy boots under her long wedding gown

I'm going to go find food and hydrate myself. I'll be back later to properly reply.
Just wanted to say to Diaeva real quick: don't feel bad about ranting. Rant about anything you'd like But if you're worried about being obsessed with a subject, it's understandable if you don't want to talk about it anymore. I "liked" your post only in that I read it and sympathize

**EDIT**
Crashy, sounds like your "friends" have a lot of maturing and growing up to do! Seems like you have your head on your shoulders and are making good choices in choosing school over partying- especially having/had a heart problem!

Amurehna, glad you came back feeling better Hope your contentment lasts a long, long time and you get to start singing!

Peacock, ahhh, sorry to hear about your family troubles and your dad. Glad y'all have already found some places to move to! Having to move, period, still sucks though lol. Hope it goes smoothly and quickly.
I love sleeping in. I'm a night owl. I usually don't even feel sleepy until 3AM and then I sleep to about noon except on the days I take my son to GED classes. But I do hate over-sleeping Though I do love dreaming more

, Hathor. No words of wisdom, just more

Aly, glad you got an x-ray. I hope you make a speedy recovery. Sounds like a nightmare having to work with an injured foot (in between driving and getting out of the car to make the delivery!!)
Do you need glasses? Or do you get tension headaches from being at the computer? Just don't disappear completely, okay?

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

What's really the worst part is that I'm just so lonely. If I could just meet someone who made feel secure and safe and loved, and who I could focus all of my energy on and just make them happy, I'm sure I would be over the moon right now. If only life were so simple.

I see a little princess hiding somewhere deep down inside you. So I came up with this theory for you, myself and others.

What if we start doing the things we actually want to do? It can be small things such as cleaning up our room, replacing the sheets or maybe even replacing that light bulb. Those things would be short-term, but I do believe they eat away energy because it annoys you on a subconscious level. Now on to the bigger things, and we are in the same boat here Alyzarin. Set long-term goals like quit smoking weed, which seems like something the two of us want to do. I already quit smoking cigs for nearly two months, and it does make me feel better.

If you achieve those goals through dedication you will feel better about yourself, and 'radiate' it. What I mean by that is that your feelings will be projected through your body language and others WILL pick up on it, and might feel attracted to you. This sound completely possible. And awesome.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

That wouldn't be my reaction. It would be nice to know that there were other people who had the same social problems as I do. I've been fighting how weird I am all my life and feeling as though I should be acting normal and able to be social and I'm just too stupid to realize how or something. I honestly have always felt so fucking weird, like there's something essentially different about me from almost all other females. Knowing that others experienced it would make me feel less lonely about it and like there was hope for improvement. People with it, especially females, tend to become really good 'social chameleons' and can often interact flawlessly, which is why they're almost always diagnosed late. So if I have it, then that offers hope for improvement, rather than an excuse to give up. In fact after reading a couple book summaries on female-specific asperger traits, I'm almost sure that I have, if not Asperger's, some altered version of it, because way too much of it described me in specific ways that I doubt others would relate to. Literally like 95% of what I read about the females, it explains almost all of the stuff I couldn't relate to while reading the regular male traits. Honestly the realization that I have it at least partially, just reading that there are other people who experience certain things, has made me feel less of a failure and motivated to try harder. I realize that it's just a collection of personality traits that tend to go together and so are placed under an umbrella label. I feel bad enough for posting about this selfish thing exclusively over the last couple pages and I plan to stop talking about it now.

Some of that wasn't specifically toward you. If that's why you want a label, all well and good.
But if there isn't one, don't keep searching. As I said, it's all a bunch of symptoms, eventually you meet people with one or two of the things you dislike about yourself
and you grow and learn from them and their experiences, and learn to improve those things. Then other things from other people.
What I'm saying is that you don't need to feel alone because you haven't met other people with the exact same problems you have.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Good to know lol. The mango wine I found online is from Australia too, so that just makes me even more tempted.

Ohhhh, awesome. I should try that too, I've never seen it before.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

You know... the idea of using ketamine infrequently never even occurred to me lol. I suppose I could see it in that way, and just have it be like a session rather than a prescription or something. I had a friend who actually broke something in his foot and got ketamine at the hospital. They didn't give him enough to knock him out, and he tripped hard. I'm not sure if it has an antidepressant effect or not though.

hehe, coz you're an extremist
It does have an anti-depressant effect, it's been shown in 2 or 3 studies so far. They only realised recently thought after they noted it's effect in severely depressed patients after using it for anaesthesia for surgery.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

But be honest.... Would you really have ever used the Silk Road for it even if it was still up?

Lol why do you say that? Actually I was so close to ordering some.... seeds to grow.... from there about two weeks before the guy got busted.
I was thinking about ideas to get a safe drop box other than my house and then I read that news.
If I had gotten a good place to get stuff delivered to, then yeah I would have bought some Ketamine for sure, and MDMA too.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

This is so vague, how am I supposed to know if you're remembering correctly? X)

lol, well it doesn't matter anyway. It's good advice, even if it sounds cliched, for anything you want.
If you really only want one thing, you're not gonna be happy if you're not doing it, or working toward it.
That's what I think anyway.

________________

Rant: I made myself depressed by listening to "Can You Feel the Love Tonight".

Also, the girl from work.... people always give us that knowing look, like they know we like each other, and some people have said things about us.
And she said a few times "No wonder they do that, it's written all over my face". For the first time today, I actually realised how obvious it is.
Just looking at her while I'm talking to her, she's completely in love with me. I honestly didn't realise it before, I guess probably because
she said she did love me and nothing happened yet, it somehow didn't feel like she really did, coz usually something would happen if both people
love each other. But yeah.... today I just realised that she does, and it kinda sucks even more, coz she's still trying to fight it.

Also my ex isn't talking to me on fb anymore. I hid the drawing of the girl from work on my timeline when my ex first added me, because she got
really upset when I drew a girl from tafe years ago, but the other day I unhid the drawing and now she's not talking to me, so I think it's because of that.

Anyway....

In other news, my much beloved auntie has been diagnosed with lymphoma and my brother is getting married to some girl he talked to on skype for under 2 years and just met up with in some country which keeps escaping my memory for some reason. Fucking weird anyway.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Ugh... we got home from the wedding at around 6:00. I came here and read messages but couldn't keep my eyes open. I was sound asleep by 6:30 and didn't wake until 2AM. I had only been awake for 7 hours and I had 11 hours of sleep before that. Blah! Which is why I say my problem isn't *anxiety* but some sort of sensory overload.

Yeah, that definitely doesn't sound like anxiety, which is more likely to give you insomnia than anything lol. If you've ruled out those other conditions then I'm not really sure what it would be specifically though. o.o I don't think I've heard anyone else describe going through something like that!

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

The wedding was nice. I worried that my clothes weren't dressy enough but it turned out to be a rather casual affair. The kids crying throughout the whole thing actually further lightened the affair for me. I was paying attention to the little ones
Even the food was simple: grilled hotdogs, hamburgers, chicken, something like au gratin potatoes and green beans. There were kegs of beer (which I didn't drink lol), soda and water. Country music was played.

Sounds like a fun little event haha. I'm glad it wasn't too bad.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

We sat with Norma and her hubby and she told us the bride was wearing cowboy boots under her long wedding gown

Sexy.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Aly, glad you got an x-ray. I hope you make a speedy recovery. Sounds like a nightmare having to work with an injured foot (in between driving and getting out of the car to make the delivery!!)
Do you need glasses? Or do you get tension headaches from being at the computer? Just don't disappear completely, okay?

Thanks again! Yeah, hopefully it won't be too terrible. I haven't been putting much pressure on it so it's hard to say how it'll be when I'm doing that, but right now it's not really hurting very much. I work from 12 to 5 today so we'll see how it goes. >.>

I already wear glasses, actually! When I was getting the headaches before I thought it might have been because my prescription hadn't been updated in a couple years (I tried to switching to contacts, but... meh lol), but I got that fixed recently and it still happens. It did help a bit, but not on the whole. I think it really is just from being at the computer mainly and not going outside enough, because my eyes end up hurting if I do it long enough too. And smoking weed makes it worse because it makes my eyes more sensitive to the light, and I've heard other people say similar things before. Though, ultimately I blame Benadryl for a lot of it, because I never got the headaches at all until right after I started using it... but still, when I do stay away from the computer they're a lot lighter than this.

And I'll try not to disappear again, though I do need to be on a little less. >w<

Originally Posted by Athylus

I see a little princess hiding somewhere deep down inside you. So I came up with this theory for you, myself and others.

What if we start doing the things we actually want to do? It can be small things such as cleaning up our room, replacing the sheets or maybe even replacing that light bulb. Those things would be short-term, but I do believe they eat away energy because it annoys you on a subconscious level. Now on to the bigger things, and we are in the same boat here Alyzarin. Set long-term goals like quit smoking weed, which seems like something the two of us want to do. I already quit smoking cigs for nearly two months, and it does make me feel better.

If you achieve those goals through dedication you will feel better about yourself, and 'radiate' it. What I mean by that is that your feelings will be projected through your body language and others WILL pick up on it, and might feel attracted to you. This sound completely possible. And awesome.

I get what you're saying.... I really do neglect a lot of little annoyances like that and I'm sure it would make for some positive change if I started paying attention to them. My room is a mess right now, as it always is. I say that it doesn't matter because I know where things are anyway, but it sure would be nice to have everything stay totally organized.... It'd be something to feel proud of, you know? I honestly never really considered it much until now, but it makes sense.... You've given me some stuff to think about, so thanks.

And congrats on quitting smoking, by the way.

Originally Posted by tommo

hehe, coz you're an extremist
It does have an anti-depressant effect, it's been shown in 2 or 3 studies so far. They only realised recently thought after they noted it's effect in severely depressed patients after using it for anaesthesia for surgery.

Sorry, that was supposed to say "I'm not sure if it had an antidepressant effect or not though.", like on my friend specifically. I'm aware that it has that effect in general.

Do you know if those results have been duplicated by any other NMDA antagonists yet? People keep focusing on the specific subunits trying to find the cause of the antidepressant effects but I'm personally more interested in ketamine's kappa opioid full agonism.

Originally Posted by tommo

Lol why do you say that? Actually I was so close to ordering some.... seeds to grow.... from there about two weeks before the guy got busted.
I was thinking about ideas to get a safe drop box other than my house and then I read that news.
If I had gotten a good place to get stuff delivered to, then yeah I would have bought some Ketamine for sure, and MDMA too.

Hehe, I just have a lot of friends who always say they're going to order drugs online but never do lol. I think you'd have to be nuts to want to use the Silk Road personally. Waaaay too public man, and anonymous browsing means nothing. There's no such thing as secure on the internet, which was just proven when he got shut down. And they have arrested people through it before. All it takes is them wanting to get to you enough.... At least with research chemicals the sites are relatively unknown and the products are still quasi-legal.

Ketamine and MDMA are pretty popular recreational drugs. Surely there's somewhere you can get them? (Most likely both in the same place, really.)

Originally Posted by tommo

lol, well it doesn't matter anyway. It's good advice, even if it sounds cliched, for anything you want.
If you really only want one thing, you're not gonna be happy if you're not doing it, or working toward it.
That's what I think anyway.

I suppose so lol. Well, I know you're right about that. Thanks for the advice.

why am I so emotional? sometimes it crushes me completely well I am happy I am kind of but sometimes it's hard you know..... I am not really like a lot people around me .....most of the people in my class or school are much different I believe....I am just so different from many people I see around it seems....I am so emotional.....many things I get through emotions....and I often tend to make some kind of bond with people and get emotional for example idk that I will once leave my class where I am now and maybe won't see those people ever again....idk sometimes I get really emotional.....I like it actually because....I think everybody should be a little more emotional cause people today actually are really cold and idk it's so sad :/ but sometimes it can be a burden.....but if I could choose between this and being less emotional and all of that I would always choose to be more emotional...because I consider less emotional people cold and without a true spirit....and there are more annd more people like that I think and it's sad :/ people are getting cold

Tommo, so sorry about your Aunt

I hope work went well, Aly. Have you tried eye drops? Sitting in front of the computer causes a lot of people to blink less which dries out your eyes. I don't know if that would contribute to a headache though lol Getting outside and into the fresh air is always best though (so says the gal who never sees the light of day unless driving somewhere )

Athylus, I don't know how I missed that, but GREAT job quitting the cigarettes!!!! Did you do it cold turkey?

Karloky I understand. Hopefully, what you're going through are just "growing pains". I used to be conflicted like you- one minute loathing my emotional side because it caused me to feel so sad sometimes; and then recognizing it for being a blessing the next minute. It took a long, long to reach an emotional inner peace. But it means being alone for the most part. Hopefully, you can find a better balance.

My only rant is that I'm somewhat tired. I've managed to NOT take a nap today (miraculously enough), so I should fall asleep at a decent hour. A rave is that I finished crocheting a purse. I'll have to up-load a pic to the crocheting forum and then link there tomorrow. I'm not completely pleased with it though. The strap ended up a bit too short and it [the purse] doesn't close tightly enough. I might add a ruffle to get around that. For some reason, I also decreased some stitches (on purpose lol) and I don't like the occasional holes. I did discover several new things working on this project though. I learned how to make an awesome strap, how to make a new stitch (I still don't know what it's called though) and how to make a pouch which I crocheted onto the outside of the purse for my keys. I'll likely give it away because there's too much I don't like about it... BUT, I bought 2 more skeins of yarn today so I can tackle another one

**EDIT**
And here's the link to my newest purse http://www.crochetville.com/communit...er-pack-purse/

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Peacock, ahhh, sorry to hear about your family troubles and your dad. Glad y'all have already found some places to move to! Having to move, period, still sucks though lol. Hope it goes smoothly and quickly.
I love sleeping in. I'm a night owl. I usually don't even feel sleepy until 3AM and then I sleep to about noon except on the days I take my son to GED classes. But I do hate over-sleeping Though I do love dreaming more

Hey Zhaylin!
Sorry I didn't reply earlier, I didn't notice the post until now :/
I'm glad to hear the wedding was nice! A good amount of food always helps Shame about the messed up sleep though.
I've blocked my dad from e-mailing me, which is the only way he can really contact me, so that's good.
We went to look at a place today and basically all the problems I had with it are going to be fixed so it seems great My sister doesn't like it for some reason though
I'm usually okay with sleeping in if it's a one off, but otherwise I just feel weird. My sleep schedule is 10:00-7:00 and I don't like messing with that

Originally Posted by Karloky

why am I so emotional? sometimes it crushes me completely well I am happy I am kind of but sometimes it's hard you know..... I am not really like a lot people around me .....most of the people in my class or school are much different I believe....I am just so different from many people I see around it seems....I am so emotional.....many things I get through emotions....and I often tend to make some kind of bond with people and get emotional for example idk that I will once leave my class where I am now and maybe won't see those people ever again....idk sometimes I get really emotional.....I like it actually because....I think everybody should be a little more emotional cause people today actually are really cold and idk it's so sad :/ but sometimes it can be a burden.....but if I could choose between this and being less emotional and all of that I would always choose to be more emotional...because I consider less emotional people cold and without a true spirit....and there are more annd more people like that I think and it's sad :/ people are getting cold

Lol..Karloky, I think my situation is the exact opposite of yours! I'm less emotional than most people I know. I'm quite a detached person, and have been like that my whole life. So everyone considers me cold and heartless. Not that I have an issue with it. But being female it's difficult sometimes, because a lot of people have the stereotypical belief that all girls have to be emotional. Somehow they think it's okay for guys to be unemotional but they find a girl like me unacceptable and try to change me, which never works. Also, big disadvantage in the dating scene. But If I were given a choice to be more emotional, I'd definitely choose to stay the same.

Don't worry, we're all different.

Zhaylin, your purse is very cute!

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I already wear glasses, actually! When I was getting the headaches before I thought it might have been because my prescription hadn't been updated in a couple years (I tried to switching to contacts, but... meh lol), but I got that fixed recently and it still happens. It did help a bit, but not on the whole. I think it really is just from being at the computer mainly and not going outside enough, because my eyes end up hurting if I do it long enough too. And smoking weed makes it worse because it makes my eyes more sensitive to the light, and I've heard other people say similar things before. Though, ultimately I blame Benadryl for a lot of it, because I never got the headaches at all until right after I started using it... but still, when I do stay away from the computer they're a lot lighter than this.

I recently read about the 20-20-20 rule, which is basically every 20 minutes, look at something at least 20 feet away (can be clouds or mountains or anything) for 20 seconds. Apparently that relaxes your eye muscles and stops eye strain.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Sorry, that was supposed to say "I'm not sure if it had an antidepressant effect or not though.", like on my friend specifically. I'm aware that it has that effect in general.

Do you know if those results have been duplicated by any other NMDA antagonists yet? People keep focusing on the specific subunits trying to find the cause of the antidepressant effects but I'm personally more interested in ketamine's kappa opioid full agonism.

Ah, ok, I thought that may have been what you meant....

Nope, I was actually looking a while ago for Ketamine analogues, but I didn't find much IIRC. Except for PCP, but.... nope nope nope.
Why are you interested in the kappa opioid action?
It seems to me the NMDA antagonism is what causes it's unbelievable effects. Coincidentally (since you were talking about headaches)
I was reading John Lilly's book on floatation tanks and he said he once used it in combination with Ketamine IM, and he basically visualised
his migraines as a ball of energy or something and he pushed it out of his head, and the migraine was gone, but it kept coming back in.
He told his assistant to give more injections and eventually after 3 doses I think, the ball got infinitely far away and vanished from sight,
and he never got another migraine again. He thought he'd have to re-dose eventually, but he never did.

I've read some insane things like that about Ketamine, and IIRC it is hypothesised that it's NMDA activity is somehow responsible for
it's almost brain-resetting effects - cure addiction, depression, anxiety, OCD, intense chronic pain etc.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Hehe, I just have a lot of friends who always say they're going to order drugs online but never do lol. I think you'd have to be nuts to want to use the Silk Road personally. Waaaay too public man, and anonymous browsing means nothing. There's no such thing as secure on the internet, which was just proven when he got shut down. And they have arrested people through it before. All it takes is them wanting to get to you enough.... At least with research chemicals the sites are relatively unknown and the products are still quasi-legal.

Anonymous browsing does mean a lot, the people who got caught were morons, including DPR. He posted his goddamn e-mail address with his real name when he was advertising the site in the early stages - Idiot.
The few people who got caught pales in comparison to the number who get caught buying elsewhere, and those people were also ordering gigantic amounts to their home addresses, and dealing.
Again - Idiots.
With RC's, I think you'd have to be nuts to use them lol
They aren't tested, they're manufactured in China in makeshift labs with horrible/no quality control and there are constant reports of people getting the wrong substances sent to them.
You're also using the clear web, which means your IP address is easily obtained and any cop could arrest you if they so feel like it.

Sure Silk Road was public, but you're still hidden, as long as you don't use your home address to send stuff to.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Ketamine and MDMA are pretty popular recreational drugs. Surely there's somewhere you can get them? (Most likely both in the same place, really.)

MDMA is scarce here, it gets better every now and again, but the quality is still crap in general.
Ketamine I would have no idea where to get, but maybe you're right, the same person could prob get that as well, since she can get pills.
I dunno.... I worry about purity too much, don't wanna get some bunk crap that kills me lol That's why I've held off on MDMA for so long even though I can easily get it.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I suppose so lol. Well, I know you're right about that. Thanks for the advice.

I know it sounds like crappy advice, but it's just true. Again it's one of those things you have to figure out yourself, otherwise it just seems like useless platitudes.

Today was Thanksgiving day.....and i gave in.....only because i felt sorry and pity this man.....my ex hubby. I called, and we spoke, same crap over again, he asked .....u love me? i said not since 2 years ago, u should have known that. Then he says can i make things change so u can love me again??....
I said no you can't, you can't change what has been broken by your own mistake and you say sorry many times when sorry doesn't fix it.
All i ended up was hearing him sobbing and crying over the phone....it was pathetic but i feel sorry for what hole he dug himself in, because he can't have the old me, back....he did this himself.
He says he wants the old US back.....yes i know, but u can't get it back. I can't say love u and lie about it, i can't lie about love it's not me....i can't lie to him and myself. I can't be in guilt and in a disgraceful pitiful marriage....but he? he still wants to be blind and pretend it never happened....i can't live like that...all i said was i will take what God will give me for now.....he didn't like that.....which means...i will move on and want to.
We ended a 2 hr call, with a good night and only he said love u...not me....we said bye while he cried.
2 hrs later he calls back only to say good night, we ended up talking about Nevaeh, then said good night again.
Call ends, so i hope this call will calm his worries now and he got what he wanted..."the talk"....now that he got it, it will be long time until we will talk again. Hope it made him feel better so he can move on with his life.
He knows i dont love him anymore, he knows the deal, he knows its hard to accept but that's how it is....he's going to be one of those hard "letting go" ex husbands, that ex-wives get annoyed of.

Originally Posted by Anju

Lol..Karloky, I think my situation is the exact opposite of yours! I'm less emotional than most people I know. I'm quite a detached person, and have been like that my whole life. So everyone considers me cold and heartless. Not that I have an issue with it. But being female it's difficult sometimes, because a lot of people have the stereotypical belief that all girls have to be emotional. Somehow they think it's okay for guys to be unemotional but they find a girl like me unacceptable and try to change me, which never works. Also, big disadvantage in the dating scene. But If I were given a choice to be more emotional, I'd definitely choose to stay the same.

Don't worry, we're all different.

it's just stupid .....I hate people who have stereotypes....sorry for saying this don't want to insult anyone ...but those people are just stupid.....nobody nor anything has to be like it is now or it has to be like somebody thinks.....everything can change and everything is different....nothing doesn't have to be the same ....it depends on a person and stereotypes are just F****** stupid.... who says that girls have to be tender ...who? whooo?.... nothing has to be the way it is!!!!

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

I hope work went well, Aly. Have you tried eye drops? Sitting in front of the computer causes a lot of people to blink less which dries out your eyes. I don't know if that would contribute to a headache though lol Getting outside and into the fresh air is always best though (so says the gal who never sees the light of day unless driving somewhere )

I haven't, but I really should. You'd think I'd have some Visine lol. Well, I might.... I've never bought it myself but my parents gave me some for Christmas once. >___> I'm not sure where it went though.... But that probably would help. Maybe.... I have this weird blinking compulsion that comes and goes and it's been up lately and that's probably messing with it too. Sometimes I just need to blink because it feels like my eyes dry out so fast. <_____<

Me --->

I really should give that a shot! And I know what you mean... I've been like that lately lol. I'm usually either at home, a friend's place, or downtown at the middle of the night. I am getting to see more of the world with my pizza delivery routes though.

Originally Posted by tommo

I recently read about the 20-20-20 rule, which is basically every 20 minutes, look at something at least 20 feet away (can be clouds or mountains or anything) for 20 seconds. Apparently that relaxes your eye muscles and stops eye strain.

I've heard something similar to that before, but not with all the 20s.... That definitely makes it seem easier to work with than just remembering to do something like that every now and then. I might have to set some alarms or something to remind myself!

Originally Posted by tommo

Ah, ok, I thought that may have been what you meant....

Nope, I was actually looking a while ago for Ketamine analogues, but I didn't find much IIRC. Except for PCP, but.... nope nope nope.
Why are you interested in the kappa opioid action?
It seems to me the NMDA antagonism is what causes it's unbelievable effects. Coincidentally (since you were talking about headaches)
I was reading John Lilly's book on floatation tanks and he said he once used it in combination with Ketamine IM, and he basically visualised
his migraines as a ball of energy or something and he pushed it out of his head, and the migraine was gone, but it kept coming back in.
He told his assistant to give more injections and eventually after 3 doses I think, the ball got infinitely far away and vanished from sight,
and he never got another migraine again. He thought he'd have to re-dose eventually, but he never did.

I've read some insane things like that about Ketamine, and IIRC it is hypothesised that it's NMDA activity is somehow responsible for
it's almost brain-resetting effects - cure addiction, depression, anxiety, OCD, intense chronic pain etc.

That's really interesting... though it doesn't surprise me. I have to wonder if he could have gotten rid of the migraines by doing that even without the ketamine though. Ketamine is certainly hypnotic so it may have been more just like a push to make it an easier process....

In middle school my parents bought me this book that was a beginner's guide to hypnosis. It wasn't anything too complex, or at least that I could fully grasp or feel motivated enough to dedicate myself to at the time, but there were some sample scripts in there with advice on what words to change here and there for each individual case, so I did use those. I tried to put a lot of my family and friends under trances for therapeutic reasons. (Most of them just said they felt great afterward, but at least one friend noticed immediate results. As did we... because he was suddenly reading all the time like I suggested, which was really uncharacteristic of him lol.) At the beginning of the book, before any of those scripts, there was an anecdote about one day when his friend's kid (or some kid he knew at least... it's been a long time now obviously) had his really bad earache that was clearly causing him a lot of stress. I may be slightly off on this again just because it was so long ago, but it's enough to get my point across.... It was something like, he put his hand over the kid's ear and told the kid to strongly visualize looking into his own ear, traveling down into it, and then looking back out. He asked the kid if it was dark in his ear and he said yes, and then he told the kid to imagine it becoming light. As he did he took his hand away, and told the kid to open his eyes. When he did the earache was gone, and he ran off happily.

Not long after I read that, I was walking through the halls during class at school (for some reason that escapes me now... probably just using the bathroom or something) and a friend of mine walked by. He had been in gymnastics for years so he was leaving school early to go to train for something I think, but he told me that he had a really bad earache that was bringing him down. I jumped at the opportunity and asked him if I could try something, so I did exactly as the book said. And it worked! He suddenly looked really happy and said it was gone, and then thanked me and we parted ways. I felt pretty awesome. Hehe, but so the point is of course that both this and John Lilly's migraine thing are undoubtedly working on the same process here, if you ask me, and the earache one didn't even require any prep. Granted, migraines are worse than earaches, and who knows how permanent the earache technique would be (though you could just know how to do it again from that point on), but it's because of this that I'm naturally inclined to be skeptical. It's a cool outcome for sure, but how can we be sure that it was really the ketamine that did it, rather than just facilitating it by enhancing visualization?

I don't doubt that ketamine's NMDA antagonism plays some role in it's effects, but I don't think it necessarily accounts for nearly all of it. Ketamine does lots of things, and human tests done with it shouldn't really be able to claim just NMDA as the important receptor. It may have been implicated in all those things you said, but what about its other receptors? For addiction, the kappa opioid receptor has been linked to helping that more than the NMDA receptor has. Salvinorin A in particular in particular been shown to have antiaddictive effects, and it's presumably because of the way that the kappa receptors modulate dopamine transporters in the reward pathways. It's also said to cause antidepressant and antianxiety effects through an interaction between kappa opioid and CB1 receptors. A mix of NMDA and kappa opioid activity is also what's thought to play a role in ibogaine's antiaddictive effects. But the kappa receptors interest me most specifically because of how certain kappa antagonists have a cascade effect that activates c-Jun N-terminal kinase and causes a sustained antagonism of the overall kappa effect that is unrelated to ligand binding. All of the drugs that do this cause rapid antidepressant effects that last weeks. It really makes me wonder, because coming down from a salvia trip can actually feel pretty good, and that's a commonly reported effect. I wonder if the same outcome can occur from kappa downregulation, sort of like a kappa crash? If it did then the effect would be sustained even when the receptors balanced themselves out. That one's just a thought of course, but it's what first made me really interested in them.... I also wonder if it's related to the psychedelic afterglow you can get after a strong cannabinoid trip, since the dynorphin release is so high at that point. I've read that dynorphins are important in integrating fear memory; wouldn't it be neat if the process of facing your fears in a trip, finally starting to overcome then, and then having a period of integrating them in your life afterward was simply the realization of the process of kappa activation, slow deactivation and then downregulation, and then the resulting JNK activation? After all, even 5-HT2A receptors are said to lose a significant part of their effect without CB1 activation, and since they release 2-AG, a full agonist, they could cause the same dynorphin release at some point....

Anyway.... There's also the fact that ketamine is a nicotinic acetylcholine antagonist. Those have been shown to have rapid antidepressant effects due to fast upregulation of those nicotinic receptors, and even scopolamine is said to have antidepressant effects because of that. And like scopolamine, it's even a muscarinic acetylcholine antagonist too (<--- why ketamine is one of the best drugs by the way). Anticholinergics have been known to help OCD symptoms, and to have antianxiety effects in low doses (and very high doses). Mu opioid receptors have as well, and though ketamine's mu activation is not the strongest, it's still worth mentioning. Oh, and that reminds me, sigma receptors sometimes have antidepressant effects as well, and I know ketamine hits them at some point.... The chronic pain I'll give you though lol. The NMDA antagonism probably is doing quite a lot of that, though it also says something about nitric oxide synthase on Wikipedia....

I'm not trying to say that ketamine isn't great for all those things, but I just hesitate to put it all on NMDA antagonism. Nearly every NMDA antagonist hits a very wide range of receptor types, and your mindset at the time of the experience really does make a difference too. I think hallucinogens tend to bring things out of us more often than actually cause them to happy personally, they make you realize things that you're capable of.

So I guess what I'm really trying to say is... I think it's really just ketamine in its entirey that's awesome, and it helps you by showing you how awesome you already are lol. But I am particularly interested in those kappa opioid receptors, because I've always thought salvia could be good for all sorts of stuff like that if it wasn't so dysphoric. But ketamine overcomes that with everything else it does. I just wish they would publish more information on how those kappa antagonists work, because I'd really like to read more about the JNK stuff. It's really interesting.

Originally Posted by tommo

Anonymous browsing does mean a lot, the people who got caught were morons, including DPR. He posted his goddamn e-mail address with his real name when he was advertising the site in the early stages - Idiot.
The few people who got caught pales in comparison to the number who get caught buying elsewhere, and those people were also ordering gigantic amounts to their home addresses, and dealing.
Again - Idiots.
With RC's, I think you'd have to be nuts to use them lol
They aren't tested, they're manufactured in China in makeshift labs with horrible/no quality control and there are constant reports of people getting the wrong substances sent to them.
You're also using the clear web, which means your IP address is easily obtained and any cop could arrest you if they so feel like it.

Sure Silk Road was public, but you're still hidden, as long as you don't use your home address to send stuff to.

Well, dealing them is inherently going to come with risk. In just buying for personal use, I would much rather use a basic RC site than the Silk Road - mainly because, as I said, they're still quasi-legal. If they really want to get you, they'll get you eventually. It doesn't really matter whether or not you get stuff sent to your home.... All they have to do is wait for you to show up where it's getting sent and then follow you home. So what I figure is, are they more likely to get the person who's buying LSD or the person who's buying something that might be considered questionable because it's sort of similar to LSD? And at least the RC sites don't have Wikipedia pages dedicated to them; becoming a public spotlight pushes the limits of hiding in plain sight. The guy was stupid though too, for sure lol.

And hey man, they were all research chemicals once. LSD, MDMA, ketamine.... And who says the quality of those drugs has to be any better than those Chinese labs? Reports of people getting the wrong substances happen every day, and they do it on purpose. At least the RC suppliers are really trying to give you the exact drug you asked for at the exact dosage you asked for, at least the good ones. We're all aware of the bromo-dragonFLY incident too, and accidents do happen, but that could just as easily have happened with blotters, and probably has before.

And honestly, I would just rather risk it than not experience them. I always got my RCs through people who bought them to deal, so I knew they had already been tested at that point. And there's some great chemicals out there, man.... You wouldn't even want to try something like DPT or 2C-E or 4-HO-MiPT?

Originally Posted by tommo

MDMA is scarce here, it gets better every now and again, but the quality is still crap in general.
Ketamine I would have no idea where to get, but maybe you're right, the same person could prob get that as well, since she can get pills.
I dunno.... I worry about purity too much, don't wanna get some bunk crap that kills me lol That's why I've held off on MDMA for so long even though I can easily get it.

I feel ya man, but I mean, you have to take some risk lol. That's pretty much how doing drugs goes, unless you stick to things you get legally like morning glories, cacti, or Ayahuasca, or weed or mushrooms since you can't really be fooled there (unless the guy who hunted the mushrooms wasn't very smart about it >_>). Which doesn't sound that bad now that I say it... but still, there's other cool stuff too. >w<

With MDMA, you really don't have a choice. Just get molly if you can and learn how to identify it, or if you get pills then never take more than one on the first try. That's Harm Reduction 101. No one's going to sell you something that can kill with one dose. The worst you'll get is a bad trip.

-----

Rant/Rave: I've been so busy for the last couple of days!! But today's finally my first day off for the week. I'm going to be out of the house for a lot of the day but at least I don't have any real responsibilities. And tonight I should just be chilling at home. It's going to be a good day.

I actually disagree with your stance on diagnoses Aly. While there may be differences between countries and everything, for me personally it's helped me get the help I needed back then, to explain why I fucked up school stuffs so much a while back and hopefully to convert a part the student student loan I've gotten in the past to a grant. While I can see how there are situations where a diagnoses is bad, there are times when it's good too. It's quite similar to when I got diagnosed with mild dyslexia, actually.

Also, about Asberger's, it's much more frequently detected in males than in females, because females tends to be better socially. However self diagnoses is also usually a bad idea.

Spoiler for 20-20-20 Vision thing:

My Biology professor once said that you should specifically look at something far away that is a generally solid color, like the sky or a tree or something. So that the other cones get a break or something (I don't remember exactly, I think each cone can fire opposite colors so maybe it's that you get a break from one of the colors firing).

I've been paying more attention lately to my tendency to become overly enthusiastic. I get so involved in the details I have trouble seeing the 'big picture'. I read posts and similar communications from only a few days ago and feel like I'm reading something that some immature younger version of myself wrote. It's so obvious to me after that I was way too involved in my thought processes, dramatizing everything in different ways depending on the topic, and not thinking clearly and objectively.

A related issue is that I tend to go on and on about a certain topic, seemingly oblivious that the person I'm talking to doesn't want to hear. But I'm not actually oblivious. I just get so caught up in the moment in what I'm talking about I don't care, just don't let my knowledge that the person is bored surface. Then a few minutes later it hits me all at once and I feel terrible.

Basically, I feel I have a profound ability to look at things objectively, like I have the mental ability to act a lot more mature and practically than I do. It's hard to explain. For example, almost any time someone gives me advice about something that doesn't involve knowledge I simply haven't experienced, I realize I kinda already knew that. I could have figured it out myself if I had been thinking clearly. But I'm just not thinking clearly... I just ignore it, and "think in a narrower personality" if that makes sense. It's the same with paranoias about people. It's extremely hard not to assume the worst even when it's irrational, because assuming the worst is a self-defence mechanism I use so that just in case the worst is true, I won't have been caught off guard.

For example, an assignment is due tomorrow and my lab partner hasn't said a thing to me. So I've been worrying that he switched partners without telling me, so I've been afraid to message him about the assignment, hoping he'll message me first. Because what if I message him and he tells me "Oh, sorry, I got a different partner." I mean what are the chances of him really doing that? Probably extremely low, as he's a generally nice person and that would be an extreme asshole-ish move. But in social situations I just have to do that. Strangely, when I was 12 an old friend who had ditched me at the beginning of high school asked to go trick-or-treating with her one about a month in advance, claiming she didn't have anyone to go with. But then she didn't talk to me for the whole month, and the night of Halloween I finally phoned her, and she had found other friends to go with. Maybe that's kinda subconsciously why I'm assuming my lab partner has ditched me? I dunno. It's irrational nonetheless. I'm trying to pay special attention to myself doing this.

Even now, in this text. I kinda went into that story above because, if I admit it, I guess I want people reading it to feel sorry for me and am hoping people will relate and stuff. And I'm afraid people think I am delusional on here, and I want to explain that at least I realize it and am trying to work on it. Those intentions are like... fused into what I'm saying, if I read it over. I don't want any of those hidden meanings behind what I say though. I just want to mean exactly what I say, be more conscientious.

I have such a hard time focusing on homework with my kids around. I constantly feel guilty for not spending every minute attending to them and at the same time I feel frustrated because I can't seem to get anything done on time. My teaching class is killing me. There is so much she wants us to do each week and it's hard to keep up with. Even when I get time to go to the library and be alone, I can only do a few things in two hours before I feel like I should go home and help with the kids. I guess I feel like he will be mad at me if I spend any more time than that. I don't really know what a reasonable time limit would be, to be honest.

I'm so unsure of everything. I put the kids down for a nap and decided to do homework, but neither of them are asleep yet and keep whining in their bedrooms. It's so distracting and it's making me feel like I don't know what I'm doing. Like I don't know if they really need a nap today. My concept of time is off and sometimes I feel like I don't really know what my baby wants because he's pretty whiny. I can't tell if he really needs something or if he just needs to sleep. I thought mothers were supposed to just "know" but apparently my brain is broken.

I wish I could ask my mom to take them for a day or something. Let me focus on my homework, but I can't even get enough courage to ask. She comes to watch them on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I have class, and she even offers to let me stay a little while to focus on homework, but I still can't get everything done in under two hours. This making lesson plans stuff is so time consuming and there is so much you have to consider when making one because you have to differentiate the instruction for each type of student--some have disabilities, some are gifted and require more challenging problems to learn, and some are ELL (English language learners) who need simplified instruction and more pictures to help understand the language and the content of the lesson and so on and so on.

This is my last semester and the least amount of credits I have taken so far, besides my summer classes, because those were so condensed it made them challenging. But I'm enrolled in 7 credits and it almost feels like it's the hardest, but I think it's because I have two kids at home now where I have to do most of my learning. I know I'll get through it, but I'm tired and I feel stressed. It's hard to explain to my boyfriend because he just says stuff like, it's not that hard, you make it harder on yourself (which may be true, but doesn't help the fact) and he doesn't really like it when I leave to go study and what not. He says he's ok with it, but when it comes time for me to leave, he acts all pouty and shit. It's so annoying. But I don't have time to fight with him. I'm done fighting with him.

I wish there was something I could do to help myself. I wish I could call someone and ask them to take the boys for a few hours. I wish I had the money to hire a babysitter, and I wish I could trust someone enough to even watch my kids (besides family).

Ugh. Can't wait for all of this to be over and I can go to work and not write papers all the time. I need a good break--even a vacation would be nice. Like a week's vacation. Alone. lol.

And Dianeva: You sound like me. Just wanted to let you know. At least in terms of how we think about people and stuff.

for everyone

Everything has been, more or less, very peaceful around here. I've just been crocheting, watching Hulu and playing Sims2

What's the difference between stress and anxiety? Every time I have a trip coming up, I go into shut down mode. I'm not worried about the trip. I rarely even THINK about the trip. But my body reacts. It's weird, but I know there's a connection. The higher the supposed stress or anxiety, the more my big toes cramp. I'm constantly popping them and they always hurt. Perhaps stress worsens arthritis? I'm also constantly yawning. So much so that I'm considering picking up my Wellbutrin script. I really hate spending $10. to keep from yawning but it's becoming more than a tad annoying. Part of me wants to have my oxygen levels checked- out of curiosity. Again, I don't FEEL stressed or anxious but I must be because my body reacts.
My breathing hasn't changed. I don't take breaths any differently than normal, so I don't get the point of these infuriating yawns.

I slept for 13 1/2 hours last night And I'm still sleepy. Such is my life before a trip. Blah. I had weird dreams of an old pet following me around. She was dead and decaying, black and rotten and she had a puppy attached to her. I've not thought about this pet for several years so it's strange that she showed up in my dream. I've also been getting sleepy in my dreams lol. I fly around for a tall tree or concealed rooftop to nap on but something always prevents me. How can a person be sleepy when they're sleeping

I also keep dreaming about the hidden safe and stealing something from my hubby; about working at the Library but being fired for missing; about large houses with hidden passages. I love the big house dreams. There's always something new to explore and discover. But the other two... I'd like to learn of their significance to my subconscious so I can stop dreaming about them. That's how it normally works for me anyhow. Once I figure out what my subconscious is trying to tell me, I stop having the dream. But I've had those dreams for several years (and in the case of the Library one- for over a decade).

I've also been dreaming a lot about reading things. And while I'm dreaming I acknowledge that I've broken one of the "rules" of dreaming, but I never become lucid.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

hypnosis and stuff

You could be right about that as well, although there have been studies for chronic pain where it is completely gone after Ketamine anaesthesia.
So.... I don't know. lol You're right that it is probably Ketamine as a whole though, rather than just NMDA antagonism.

Also with the Salvia.... I've heard interesting things about sublingual use, a gram or so at a time during meditation.
Seems to have long lasting anti-depressant effects as you mentioned, without a major trip, just low level CEV.

I wasn't aware of anticholinergic having anti-depressant/ocd effect, very interesting. I'll have to look more in to that.

Anyway, came here to give you this link, I just happened upon it today by chance, this is another NMDA antagonist with anti-depressant effects, but with less or no "psychological effects" by which I assume they mean it doesn't make you trip at the doses they are giving. Molecular Psychiatry - Lanicemine: a low-trapping NMDA channel blocker produces sustained antidepressant efficacy with minimal psychotomimetic adverse effects

I also saw that Esketamine - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Johnson and Johnson are trialling an intranasal (s)-Ketamine formulation for depression.
Which means the effect won't last as long, of course (why would they want to do a thing like that? *sigh*), but still that's pretty cool.
One of the guys taking the study said he feels the anti-depressant effect for about 24 hours.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Well, dealing them is inherently going to come with risk. In just buying for personal use, I would much rather use a basic RC site than the Silk Road - mainly because, as I said, they're still quasi-legal. If they really want to get you, they'll get you eventually. It doesn't really matter whether or not you get stuff sent to your home.... All they have to do is wait for you to show up where it's getting sent and then follow you home. So what I figure is, are they more likely to get the person who's buying LSD or the person who's buying something that might be considered questionable because it's sort of similar to LSD? And at least the RC sites don't have Wikipedia pages dedicated to them; becoming a public spotlight pushes the limits of hiding in plain sight. The guy was stupid though too, for sure lol.

Well they're only gonna do that if you buy from a cop on there, which I suppose is a risk. But if you buy from the dealers with high ratings, the cops wouldn't ever know it is being sent there.
People have been arrested for RC's before anyway, the analogue laws are so vague, as you say, they can get you if they want.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

And hey man, they were all research chemicals once. LSD, MDMA, ketamine....

Haha, I'd rather not partake in the pre-clinical research though We do those on mice for a reason XD

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

And honestly, I would just rather risk it than not experience them. I always got my RCs through people who bought them to deal, so I knew they had already been tested at that point. And there's some great chemicals out there, man.... You wouldn't even want to try something like DPT or 2C-E or 4-HO-MiPT?

No interest really. I suppose it makes sense for you coz you've done a lot of other hallucinogens, so you want something a bit different.
I'd just go for DMT or shrooms, personally. I'm never going to do them enough times that I start to get bored with them.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

With MDMA, you really don't have a choice. Just get molly if you can and learn how to identify it, or if you get pills then never take more than one on the first try. That's Harm Reduction 101. No one's going to sell you something that can kill with one dose. The worst you'll get is a bad trip.

Yeah I would definitely get Molly, and also a testing kit, but yeah you are right, that's just how drugs are, gotta take some risk I guess.
I was dreaming about the girl who I could get it off last night, maybe it's a sign to call her up for some

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Rant/Rave: I've been so busy for the last couple of days!! But today's finally my first day off for the week. I'm going to be out of the house for a lot of the day but at least I don't have any real responsibilities. And tonight I should just be chilling at home. It's going to be a good day.

Yes! I have a day off too Seize the day!

________________

Slight rant: I was so close to selling my Bitcoins last night, at $162. I decided to hold off just coz it could rise heaps as well (definitely a big rise coming soon) and it dropped $10 by this morning.
Ugh.... I need to trust my instincts more.

Ok another rant coz I have nowhere else to say this crap.
My ex said she had some bad stuff happen this week and I asked her what happened, she said she'll tell me over this video chat thing but I couldn't install it.
So I said do you wanna catch up and tell me then? And she said yeah, so we're meeting on Monday.
I also said to give me her number in case I can't find her at the place or whatever, and she said she'll tell me when we meet why she can't give me her number.
So.... wtf?

This sounds like a pretty big thing, whatever it is. I'm thinking maybe she is still married and her husband realised she's talking to an ex, and got mad about it or something, and she's basically gonna tell me we can't talk anymore or something. But really not sure, coz I would assume she would just tell me that over fb.
But then again, maybe she just wants to see me a last time and not end things like they ended the first time.
I really don't know, but I'm gonna be thinking and worrying about it for the next 3 days, so this sucks....

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I get what you're saying.... I really do neglect a lot of little annoyances like that and I'm sure it would make for some positive change if I started paying attention to them. My room is a mess right now, as it always is. I say that it doesn't matter because I know where things are anyway, but it sure would be nice to have everything stay totally organized.... It'd be something to feel proud of, you know? I honestly never really considered it much until now, but it makes sense.... You've given me some stuff to think about, so thanks.

And congrats on quitting smoking, by the way.

I feel you. Tell you what, I'm going to clean it as soon as I get home from school.

Thanks! It was no easy task, and I still smoked last weekend when I was partying in Amsterdam. Haven't smoked since though. Weed is a completely other story though, I'm not quite ready to stop smoking that shit for now.


Hey Karloky, you sound like you need to respect yourself as a person more. I myself am not emotional at all, unless it comes to my sister, mother and father. Sometimes it can be a burden as well. So we should be happy with what we've got and respect ourselves for being that way. When you feel bad give yourself something that makes you feel happy. Be it sports, a new magazine or maybe even a red bull. Also you're studying right? Good luck with that, it will really pay off later. Big time.


Thank you as well Zhaylin! Yes, I did cold turkey. It's the only approach that works for me. Went from smoking 5-10 cigs a day to nothing, the first month was pretty hard and then it wasn't too tough anymore. If other people can quit, then I can.

Also, I love that purse! It looks really sweet and I think it's cool that you have a hobby you enjoy. Also if you sleep too much then you will be sleepy the next day naturally, it's the same as not doing anything the whole day... it just makes you lazy until you start getting into some kind of momentum.


My rave:
I have my ups and downs, it really depends on the day and what I did for the rest of the week. But since not so long ago I've been changing a lot more, and I'm much more sharper. Training my eagle eyes, y'know.

I'm going to do responses and PMs the next time I get a chance, but I just wanted to get this in here really quick while I had a chance. The next few days are going to be hectic. (That counts as a rant, too. It's mostly school and work stuff.)

My rave is that I do genuinely have a solid offer to move out coming in April. My friends, the girl who tripped from that bong hit and her boyfriend, are trying to find a place in the town I'm currently in and they want me to move in with them when they do. My parents even offered to help get me started on cash if I need it so hell yeah I'm gonna do it. The other part of the rave is that, while hanging out with them, we all decided to smoke some DMT. I opted to do the smallest because I really just wanted to see how a psychedelic would effect me more than anything after all the time that's passed and the anxiety stuff I went through - the boyfriend did something similar. The girl, being that it was her first real trip besides the weed thing, decided to go all out. She started talking about how the walls were made of flesh and that we were in the center of hell, with people peeling each others' skin off and nailing it to different areas and all objects (including the cars in the parking lot) being made of guts and oozing blood. Immediately after, she grabbed the bowl and loaded it with more while saying "I need it to be more intense!!" (Yes... there is potential in this one. ) The boyfriend only inhaled enough for mild distortions but the rush at the beginning showed him where he was in dealing with his anxiety, and after a couple more hits he felt pretty good about becoming able to handle things again. I only needed one hit; it had been quite a while but my body and mind suddenly became alert to everything that was about to happen before it started like I had just smoked it for the last time yesterday. I already had a headache from smoking too much weed and just felt a little off, so I was a bit nervous that that was going to be enhanced, but the second the visuals set in (not too strong for my dose, but present) and that rush hit, the first thing I said was "FUCK.... I forgot how great this feels!!!" What's interesting is that the headache DID become more noticeable - completely to be expected at this point - but none of the other negative mindset things like anxiety that would normally come with it showed up. It was basically just a great rush, a good attitude, and a headache. Which tells me that these physical symptoms really are all I have left... and I know what's keeping them around.

There's going to be some changes around here. *nods*

Alright... I'll be back hopefully within 24 hours. @_@

Sorry I forgot to thank you, Anju ... and you too, Athylus for commenting on my purse. I've used it a couple more times and it isn't so bad. It's nice for going out to eat. I don't worry about it slipping off my shoulder or getting in the way while shopping and stuff.

Tommo, hopefully it's good news she wants to talk to you about

Athylus, hope you have far more ups than downs

Aly, *WOOT* freedom!! I hope the plan to move out works out greatly!

My rant is also my rave. I'm a very weird person I'm forever curious. I read a lot of (fictional) books about primitive (from a much early time) Native Americans and I'm always fascinated by what they could do and what they accomplished with the tools they had and stuff. I decided I was going to try to work with bone. But where the heck do you find bones if not from painstakingly searching woods or the side of the road. Then my dog died.
I have no reverence for the dead. To me, dead is dead. There is no soul lingering around the body. There's nothing to venerate. So I collected her bones yesterday. She was a small dog, so there's very little I'd be able to do with her remains.
But I found the most curious object. It was round and very hard- like a rock. It was also fairly sizable to have been in such a small dog. I asked hubby about it and he had no clue.
Then I consulted Google. After refining my search just a couple of times I discovered that it's more than likely a "bladder stone". The pics I found looked just like what I found with her remains.

But my hubby calls me morbid and my kids are all grossed out. Miley said she's being cremated so I couldn't get any ideas I wouldn't do that to people.
But why not? Is it out of cultural or legal taboos? Out of respect? I don't know. I've also discovered over the last couple (?) years that I cannot stand to see something suffer.

***WARNING GRAPHIC POST OF INJURRED KITTEN*** In white text below.
A kitten was given to me some years back and he appeared okay. I even napped with him in my bed to keep him warm. But then the skin on his rump seemed to dissolve. It was deep and went beneath a section of his tail. It looked like his blood was boiling but upon closer inspection, he was filled with what appeared to be maggots. The vet wouldn't be open for several hours, the pound was closed, so I smothered him when it was obvious he was going to die.

I have searched and searched for answers as to what was wrong with him, but I've never found out. I think about him, now-a-days, at least every couple months and what that means about myself. Do I have it in me to be one of those so-called "Angel's of Mercy"? So, when my dog was dying- I knew about it at least 3 days in advance, I did nothing. I didn't have any money for a vet and she was a very old dog. Her suffering wasn't apparent. But part of me wonders if I ignored any suffering so I wouldn't help her on her way. It's very disturbing to have these thoughts and be so mixed about them. One part of me says: "It was compassionate to kill the kitten because his suffering was great." But where can that rationale lead?

Blec. Too much deep thinking for one day. I have the terrible task of soaking the bones in ammonia today. I don't have an easy way to boil water which would have been a much faster solution. From what I've gleamed off internet sites, the ammonia method takes a couple of weeks. Too bad there aren't any ants around here.

Another rant is silly. I played wayyyyyyyy too much Sims yesterday. I made a plant family (from using pesticides while gardening lol). They whoohooed and got pregnant with twins. Ugh. And then I accidentally clicked my active sim and say 'Plant Baby'. I wondered about that, I was pretty sure I knew, but I pushed the button anyhow and now I also have a plant baby lol So this poor couple has 2 newborns and a plant toddler Anyhow, I kept dreaming that Social Services came and took the children because the babies died. I'd restart the game but the same thing happened over and over and over again. Now I feel almost compelled to make sure the State hasn't taken their children rofl Even though I realize the game is suspended in time until I log back in to the family. Silly, silly me

I AM ABOUT TOTALLY DONE WITH MY EX! He text me asking if all is okay with us (me and Nevaeh), i said yes we are ok, then he texts again "OK everything OK?!"
Like he wants me to say i changed my mind or something about my feelings, i just texted him back ignoring that pathetic attitude, "If it wasn't i would have told you."
Then hes like "MY! you did change a lot and being mean."
I didn't say this but....I AM NOT BEING MEAN I AM BEING HONEST AND I DON'T WANT TO FAKE LOVING YOU!!!! DONT YOU GET IT? I GUESS NOT, BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED! YOU ARE STILL FUCKING IGNORING MY TRUTHS, AND STILL WANT TO BE BLIND AND JOKE ABOUT SHIT LIKE DIVORCE 100X AND GET AWAY WITH MOCKERY!! YOU HAVE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT CHAAAAAAAAANGED A BIT! U LYING PIECE OF CRAP! STOP TALKING MORE BECAUSE YOU ARE MAKING IT LOOK MORE STUPID ON YOURSELF!! I SWEAR IF HE WAS HERE I WOULD GO NUTS BECAUSE HE DOESNT HEAR ME OUT AND NEVER WILL, EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS RIGHT AND NOT ME! WHEN IN THE END HE KEEPS SAYING IM THE ONE NOT HEARING HIM OUT????!!! WTFF!!!! I DONT WANT THIS MERRY GO ROUND AGAIN!! GTFO!
^Thats what i want TO say!! but seems like i got to repeat myself....and i thought I was worse. The more he talks the more he reminds me of who he really is and i should NOT take him back EVERRRRRRRR! SO HE CRIES ABOUT IT..geezz save it for your next girl that really wants your stupid dumb self!

Ugh. So sorry about your troubles with your ex. He would drive me nuts too!

My new rant is that I am awake. Curse those long afternoon/evening naps. I fell asleep at 7 and woke at 12:30 when my oldest daughter called. I had to pee anyhow so I called her back. We talked for about 5 minutes before she said she had to go. WHAT?! You call and wake me up because you're bored and then you don't even talk lol. I probably would have slept all night if not for her call (she called twice before then, as I just fell asleep but I ignored them, then thought it might be important).
Hubby's going to want to pack packaging supplies for the auction some time today and I'm going to be wanting to crawl into bed.