Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

So, it seems I lied. Coming home from an honest day's work and smoking the weed you bought with your own money is actually pretty sweet.

I'm not sure why I used that emoticon....

So work is going well but I don't think I'm using the exact delivery attitude that they want. I just kind of casually start talking to the customer and probably seem like I have a residual stone going on. The guys who were training me were basically telling me that you need to bark at them and act all peppy and excited about life because you're delivering pizzas just like the people you see in all the commercials and training videos, because they said it actually really works in making people more receptive that way. Of course I said that's cool and that I would try to do that more but in my mind I was just thinking your poor bastards have already been assimilated....

This might seem like it's related to that last thing I just said but it isn't. Would you ever give up your free will for true happiness? I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I'm sure for some people that just sounds like an oxymoron, but not everyone.

Ehh.... I had more to type there but I lost focus. It's been a long day. >_>

Originally Posted by tommo

Ok, just added it up, it's been 5 months.... WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!????!?!!!?????
jesus........

Wait... it's been 5 months since you started working? Time is going very quickly. I could swear you just said you got a job like... 2 months ago. If I had to make an honest guess that my life depended on I'd have said 2 months.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

So work is going well but I don't think I'm using the exact delivery attitude that they want. I just kind of casually start talking to the customer and probably seem like I have a residual stone going on. The guys who were training me were basically telling me that you need to bark at them and act all peppy and excited about life because you're delivering pizzas just like the people you see in all the commercials and training videos, because they said it actually really works in making people more receptive that way. Of course I said that's cool and that I would try to do that more but in my mind I was just thinking your poor bastards have already been assimilated....

I think anyone who's worked at any sort of fast food company and doesn't have a naturally peppy/fake attitude has experienced that. And it always seems to be the lower-wage jobs at 'cheaper' places. When you go to a cheap place like a fast food restaurant, the employees, when they're nice at all, seem to act like tools, like they're trying way too hard. But the employees at decent restaurants and bars, receptionists, etc. tend to have more genuine, mature, casual attitudes which are far more appealing. I wonder why they even want their employees to act like that. I guess if most people like the peppy fake attitude, ... I guess that would be another thing I don't understand about people. Of course there are many attitudes in between. I realize the two extremes aren't the only ones, but in general.

I'm such an introverted and shy, quiet, self-conscious person, and at my first and only job it seemed the employers and supervisors were being sadistic in their attempts to make me feel uncomfortable. I have an attitude in which that peppy social attitude is literally impossible to achieve. Even if my life depended on doing it, I would probably end up appearing insane or something. Because I'm socially retarded or something. Unless I'm around someone I'm extremely comfortable with I just can't express natural emotion in my speech, actions, facial expressions, etc. I do express things but it's almost never what I'm trying to convey. I accidentally give away things (like that I'm depressed) which I don't want anyone to know, and can't seem to properly communicate things I do want people to know.

Spoiler for Group work rant:

I seem to be delving into another topic. We had our first group lab yesterday in Cognitive Systems, I guess that's where this is coming from. I really don't want to go into detail but the whole thing brought me back to being in elementary school and working on a group project. I would never be included. I'd have all these ideas but was always too afraid to speak up, because whenever I did no one would listen to me as I seemed really 'slow' or something, so they assumed I was stupid. But I'd usually have ideas which I knew were better than theirs.

Well I wasn't even very worried about this group project, as I'm not very shy any more and thought that students at this age will be more mature. Everyone will consider everyone else's ideas and we'll all discuss them equally. Well I really did try, but ended up being left out just like in elementary school. It brought back the same feelings which I hadn't felt in years. Two of the people ended up huddled together, discussing what they'd do, while I had to sit behind them due to unfortunate seating. I couldn't hear most of what they were saying, but they didn't understand that and seemed to think I was stupid. For example, I noticed a flaw in the contract they were writing and pointed it out. But I guess I'm terrible at communicating, or the fact that they already thought I was an idiot influenced their interpretation, because they just assumed I didn't understand it and started explaining every little step to me like I was retarded.

And other things... like there was this building they wanted to meet at on the campus and it had the name Irving, so while deciding the meeting place they said "is Irving okay with everybody?" I'd never heard of it before since I've only been at this school for a month, so I didn't know what that was... the name of a building? A coffee shop? One of their houses? Was I mishearing the name? So I asked, they told me it was a building, and I told them I'll be able to find it on google maps or something. But they kept trying to explain it more and more. I'm terrible with directions and am honestly not very observant about certain things so I never noticed this clock tower landmark which is apparently supposed to be obvious.... so when they asked if I know where the big clock tower is and I gave them a blank stare I felt so fucking stupid.

They'd planned to meet every week, and I said "Are we meeting starting this Tuesday?" since in the contract they said we'd be meeting 3 times in October but there are 4 Tuesdays left in October, so I thought maybe it was next Tuesday. Then a guy said yes and started explaining the entire schedule again which had just been explained, and which was on the contract I had just read signed. "Yes we're meeting at ##:00 every Tuesday for the rest of this month, in the ____ building. We can help you get there if you can't find it." It's just like they literally thought I was retarded or extremely stupid. And other shit... I could make this post twice as long if I went into it all. By the last few minutes I was so frustrated and angry I came so close to storming out or saying something I would have regretted. And I really don't get 'mad' very often (maybe irritated, but not infuriated.. there's a huge difference). It's so rare that the feeling is really peculiar.

The worst part is that the instructor basically told us that we need to be able to work well with people if we want to get anywhere in life, and that if you're an individual thinker you're going to fail academically. And he showed us examples, said that almost all research papers nowadays have multiple authors, etc. And I had just started feeling better about myself after watching all these videos about introverts, and being exposed mostly to other introverts since I'm on the internet all the time. I started to think everyone was like me and falsely believed I could just act genuine in a group setting and wouldn't be judged harshly... like everyone in real life is like the people on DV or something. Well they aren't.

I have an attitude in which that peppy social attitude is literally impossible to achieve. Even if my life depended on doing it, I would probably end up appearing insane or something.

same here pretty much. and i work at a bank so my co-workers are always telling me to appear more cheerful but they pretty much have given up trying to tell me anything as i just ignore them. there is no way i'm going to sit there at work with a fake smile on my face and pretend everything is just peachy. fuck that. if anything my co-workers tell me to tone it down because i usually come across as rude. i don't try to be rude but for some reason i come across that way, especially if i'm not in the mood.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Wait... it's been 5 months since you started working? Time is going very quickly. I could swear you just said you got a job like... 2 months ago. If I had to make an honest guess that my life depended on I'd have said 2 months.

Hehe, feels like a lot longer to me.

Rant: This.... fucking bitch.... She talked to me at work today, and I don't know if she was purposely trying to make me upset, but she's like "guess where I went!" and I'm like "where?" and she showed me a photo of her at the tulip festival, which we were going to go to together before all that stuff where she said we can't do things alone etc.

I don't know if she did that on purpose, coz she did talk a bit about other stuff, although I wasn't being receptive at all, just short answers with little emotion etc. because I was sad.
But even if she didn't, that just means she's completely oblivious to how I feel. Which is even worse. And I feel like crying.
She also just uploaded the pictures to facebook, changed her cover photo to tulips etc. which makes me think she is probably doing it to upset me.

Ugh.... I dunno.... I wish I could just not give a fuck about her. I had such a good day with the other two girls from work, coz we started work in the morning and we were just laughing and making jokes etc. Now I just feel depressed again.

Shit just got real... ._o

Just found out about this new mini-series - it's going to be a short reboot of the original Pokemon games/series, just not as "family-friendly." Could you imagine if we had all grown up on this version instead?
-----
Maybe I'm just paranoid, and this might not be the place to say it, but I think my right nut is slightly smaller than it used to be. I know that a tad tmi, but I kinda had to get it off my chest.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

I think anyone who's worked at any sort of fast food company and doesn't have a naturally peppy/fake attitude has experienced that. And it always seems to be the lower-wage jobs at 'cheaper' places. When you go to a cheap place like a fast food restaurant, the employees, when they're nice at all, seem to act like tools, like they're trying way too hard. But the employees at decent restaurants and bars, receptionists, etc. tend to have more genuine, mature, casual attitudes which are far more appealing. I wonder why they even want their employees to act like that. I guess if most people like the peppy fake attitude, ... I guess that would be another thing I don't understand about people. Of course there are many attitudes in between. I realize the two extremes aren't the only ones, but in general.

I'm such an introverted and shy, quiet, self-conscious person, and at my first and only job it seemed the employers and supervisors were being sadistic in their attempts to make me feel uncomfortable. I have an attitude in which that peppy social attitude is literally impossible to achieve. Even if my life depended on doing it, I would probably end up appearing insane or something. Because I'm socially retarded or something. Unless I'm around someone I'm extremely comfortable with I just can't express natural emotion in my speech, actions, facial expressions, etc. I do express things but it's almost never what I'm trying to convey. I accidentally give away things (like that I'm depressed) which I don't want anyone to know, and can't seem to properly communicate things I do want people to know.

I don't get it either, I've never found that attitude to feel like anything but totally insincere... at least, the way that they do it for work. I've met people who are totally believably peppy, but not like that. I don't know about just restaurant employees in general, but I get why (using their logic, not my own) they tell you to be that way if you're in delivery or waiting tables, because if they think the tips will be better then it's a nice gesture of them to tell you that, even if I don't agree with it. I just feel like, at least when it comes to my pizza deliveries, my trainer and crew members are of the opinion that people who order pizza have a tendency to judge the driver based on their delivery and tip accordingly, while I personally am of the opinion that most people in the world plan how much tip they're going to give the second they order their food, and as soon as they see you walking up to the door with that pizza what they're mainly thinking is "The food is here!!" And if there's more than one person there then more than likely they argued about who has to answer the door because they all just want to get it over with and start eating.

I open a lot more around people I know too, it's like a whole world of difference. Why is it so hard for people to get that not everyone is extroverted?

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Spoiler for Group work rant:

I seem to be delving into another topic. We had our first group lab yesterday in Cognitive Systems, I guess that's where this is coming from. I really don't want to go into detail but the whole thing brought me back to being in elementary school and working on a group project. I would never be included. I'd have all these ideas but was always too afraid to speak up, because whenever I did no one would listen to me as I seemed really 'slow' or something, so they assumed I was stupid. But I'd usually have ideas which I knew were better than theirs.

Well I wasn't even very worried about this group project, as I'm not very shy any more and thought that students at this age will be more mature. Everyone will consider everyone else's ideas and we'll all discuss them equally. Well I really did try, but ended up being left out just like in elementary school. It brought back the same feelings which I hadn't felt in years. Two of the people ended up huddled together, discussing what they'd do, while I had to sit behind them due to unfortunate seating. I couldn't hear most of what they were saying, but they didn't understand that and seemed to think I was stupid. For example, I noticed a flaw in the contract they were writing and pointed it out. But I guess I'm terrible at communicating, or the fact that they already thought I was an idiot influenced their interpretation, because they just assumed I didn't understand it and started explaining every little step to me like I was retarded.

And other things... like there was this building they wanted to meet at on the campus and it had the name Irving, so while deciding the meeting place they said "is Irving okay with everybody?" I'd never heard of it before since I've only been at this school for a month, so I didn't know what that was... the name of a building? A coffee shop? One of their houses? Was I mishearing the name? So I asked, they told me it was a building, and I told them I'll be able to find it on google maps or something. But they kept trying to explain it more and more. I'm terrible with directions and am honestly not very observant about certain things so I never noticed this clock tower landmark which is apparently supposed to be obvious.... so when they asked if I know where the big clock tower is and I gave them a blank stare I felt so fucking stupid.

They'd planned to meet every week, and I said "Are we meeting starting this Tuesday?" since in the contract they said we'd be meeting 3 times in October but there are 4 Tuesdays left in October, so I thought maybe it was next Tuesday. Then a guy said yes and started explaining the entire schedule again which had just been explained, and which was on the contract I had just read signed. "Yes we're meeting at ##:00 every Tuesday for the rest of this month, in the ____ building. We can help you get there if you can't find it." It's just like they literally thought I was retarded or extremely stupid. And other shit... I could make this post twice as long if I went into it all. By the last few minutes I was so frustrated and angry I came so close to storming out or saying something I would have regretted. And I really don't get 'mad' very often (maybe irritated, but not infuriated.. there's a huge difference). It's so rare that the feeling is really peculiar.

The worst part is that the instructor basically told us that we need to be able to work well with people if we want to get anywhere in life, and that if you're an individual thinker you're going to fail academically. And he showed us examples, said that almost all research papers nowadays have multiple authors, etc. And I had just started feeling better about myself after watching all these videos about introverts, and being exposed mostly to other introverts since I'm on the internet all the time. I started to think everyone was like me and falsely believed I could just act genuine in a group setting and wouldn't be judged harshly... like everyone in real life is like the people on DV or something. Well they aren't.

People are a crapshoot, unfortunately.... You have my sympathy, I've been there before. Last semester particularly sucked, I had like ten or eleven group projects in total and only a couple of them were really well done. It really does just depend on the group you get though, it's not always bad. There are people like the people here on DV out there too. This semester I have a science lab and we're stuck with the groups we got just from the table we decided to sit at at the beginning the whole time. I actually got really lucky there, our group is pretty efficient even though a couple people seem to have dropped the class now, making us the smallest group with only three people. But I'd been thinking all semester that I was actually really happy to be in this group, and I think our dynamic was best exemplified yesterday in class; we all went up to turn in last week's lab work at the same time, and when we got up to the professor's desk there was a long awkward pause because we all three were trying to let the other two go first for so long. It has basically been unspoken until then but later on in the lab we all had a short discussion about how thankful we were to have each others' respect and willingness to just work together and get everything done since group work normally sucks so bad. So in a choice between this group, and the one next to us full of girls who saw that our last lab involved touching soil and said "Oh my god, this lab is so gross!", I think I picked the winning seat here.

Point is... everyone hates group projects unless they're someone who cares about being heard more than they care about doing well on the project. There are whole classes at my school designed to help you tolerate people in groups so you don't go crazy by the end of the semester. Some people just never grow up. But some people do, too... a lot more than it sometimes seems like. Don't lose faith in everyone just yet because your one group sucks, there are still likely to be (unfortunately) many group projects to come where you may actually enjoy your teammates' company. In the meantime, if you feel like they're actually going to be hindering you from doing as well as you could on the project because they won't listen, I would actually talk to your professor about it. Sometimes you have to tolerate people, but there's never any reason you should just let them drag you down, and if they're not listening to you then it's them who are failing to work with others, not you. If you believe that your ideas are worth fighting for, then make a stand for them.

Originally Posted by GavinGill

Shit just got real... ._o

Just found out about this new mini-series - it's going to be a short reboot of the original Pokemon games/series, just not as "family-friendly." Could you imagine if we had all grown up on this version instead?

That screaming. It's just the four episodes though isn't it? It would be nice if they made the entire show like that.

Though some of us DID grow up on that version, it's called Pokémon Special. (Technically Pokémon Adventures in English, but... meh.) The manga was much more heavily based on the games than the anime was, and even started with the three(!) characters Red, Green, and Blue, the girl who was illustrated in the back of the Red/Blue manual but was never implemented in the final game. It's a lot more exciting than the anime ever was. Like a LOT more, and it started at pretty much the same time. If they made a whole anime following the manga exactly... life would just be perfect.



But hey, at least new games are about to come out. Soon we'll all feel the awesome dragon-type power of Mega Charizard X. (Though honestly I cringe a little as I say that... but I'm going to make my Charmander into a dragon, damn it.)

Originally Posted by GavinGill

Maybe I'm just paranoid, and this might not be the place to say it, but I think my right nut is slightly smaller than it used to be. I know that a tad tmi, but I kinda had to get it off my chest.

Are you sure you're just not psyching yourself out about it? It's easy to do that kind of thing if you don't have before and after pictures to compare lol.

Some dude did something to me which is not acceptable. It sucks, and it's humiliating. Now I'm debating over wether to beat him up, or throw a couple of bricks through his car windows. It's probaly going to be bricks... since he's like 20cm taller and way bigger than I am.

I am kinda depressed everything is falling apart I can't bare it.... like the ropes are stretching every part of my body to a different direction

Why the hell have I never seriously tried getting a job before now? I made over $120 in tips alone from yesterday and today. Pretty soon I'll be able to have my own swimming pool full of money to dive into.

I'm starting to get the sad impression that most of the delivery drivers they see do very little to contribute to the store as a whole. When I went in for my initial interview they just mentioned helping out with other things being part of the delivery driver's job while they're just in the store, which made perfect sense to me. With tips it's the highest paying job there, and you get to spend a lot of your work day in your own car and unsupervised. So I've been trying to keep up with all the other jobs around the store too just 'cause it's what I'm supposed to be doing, but I'm noticing more and more the amount of genuine gratitude I'm getting from my coworkers when I help out with things so much. The way they react to it makes it seem like it doesn't happen very often. Of course that's good for me since it just makes me look good, but come on people, stop being so lazy lol. This is like the easiest work in the world, it's just mindless repetitive crap.

I do have to say though, my friend warned me against working in the food industry and I can see why. Part of me wants to keep looking for another job in the meantime and just use the fact that I now have work experience as a new selling point for myself until I manage to get something better. Though I will wait a little bit to see how the tips continue....

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Are you sure you're just not psyching yourself out about it? It's easy to do that kind of thing if you don't have before and after pictures to compare lol.

lol, I hope I'm just psyching myself out, but I did feel some intense pain a few days ago down there. I assumed it was nothing serious since I hadn't had any "me time" in two months, so I "took care of it" and I felt fine for a while. There's been noticeable soreness ever since though, I haven't been able to sit down properly all day. Again, I know this is tmi but I have nowhere else to vent, but when I checked it out, while taking a shower... it seemed like it was rotating. Like visibly squirming around. After a bit of googling, the hypochondriac in me is worried it might be: Testicular torsion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

If that's the case, I was supposed to take care of it within 6 hours. After 24 hours, the chances of recovery are ridiculously low. It's been a few days so... idk, hope I'm just paranoid. But if not, I've already run a mental simulation of the worst case scenario and sort of come to terms with it (can't help it, I'm a worrier xD). Oh well, I'll just get it checked out tomorrow and hopefully it's nothing serious.

EDIT: Think it's best if I go sooner, just in case. I'll take a nap, then head out. Gawwwwwdddd this is going to be fucking unpleasant, having a bunch of strangers looking at and touching my genitals... >________>

Originally Posted by GavinGill

lol, I hope I'm just psyching myself out, but I did feel some intense pain a few days ago down there. I assumed it was nothing serious since I hadn't had any "me time" in two months, so I "took care of it" and I felt fine for a while. There's been noticeable soreness ever since though, I haven't been able to sit down properly all day. Again, I know this is tmi but I have nowhere else to vent, but when I checked it out, while taking a shower... it seemed like it was rotating. Like visibly squirming around. After a bit of googling, the hypochondriac in me is worried it might be: Testicular torsion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

If that's the case, I was supposed to take care of it within 6 hours. After 24 hours, the chances of recovery are ridiculously low. It's been a few days so... idk, hope I'm just paranoid. But if not, I've already run a mental simulation of the worst case scenario and sort of come to terms with it (can't help it, I'm a worrier xD). Oh well, I'll just get it checked out tomorrow and hopefully it's nothing serious.

EDIT: Think it's best if I go sooner, just in case. I'll take a nap, then head out. Gawwwwwdddd this is going to be fucking unpleasant, having a bunch of strangers looking at and touching my genitals... >________>

Oh, I remember hearing about that on IRC. Well I hope that's not the case!! Well good luck, I've got my fingers crossed for you! How would that kind of thing even happen?

Originally Posted by tommo

Bloody Indians....
Sorry I'm sure if you read my previous posts on my thoughts about this kind of cultural bullshit (was talking about it because of the Sri Lankan girl) you will see my view on it, I'm not being a bigot, I just hate that kind of thing.
You know you should tell your parents it's your life and you have to do what you want to do.
You only have one life (unless you believe in reincarnation, which you might coz you're Indian lol) and there's no point spending it all suffering.
Do what you wanna do! Family is supposed to help you be successful (happy), and if they are forcing you to do something you don't want, they aren't helping you, even though they may think that is what's best.

I feel so so so so sorry for women in that culture.

Thanks for your support tommo. Yeah, it is kinda frustrating to be an ambitious girl born in a conservative family in a conservative culture. My parents consider themselves broad-minded for letting me pursue the career of my choice (after lots and lots of begging and pleading by me). But they often use this for emotional blackmail, telling me how selfishly I had shattered their dreams about my future and stuff. Like you said, the problem is that they always think they know what is best for me.

Regarding the marriage issue, I'm still in queue as my elder sister hasn't married yet. She's 27, and girls above 25 have less demand in the marriage market here (yup, it's very much like a business). So right now, they're running out of time and freaking out about it. The sad part is that most women are content with the way things are. The other day, my schoolmate went on preaching about why I should get married before 25. Her argument was "how do you know for sure that you will not like it unless you do it? Get married and you will have a good life". Ugh, and I hoped my generation would be different.

Since I have a job and I live in a different state away from the family, I have things my way for now. And I'm planning to take the entrance exam for higher studies next year. Must start preparing. Also, hoping to save enough money from my job to pay the college fees.

Originally Posted by tommo

Joe Rogan, on his podcast, explained those people in exactly the same way. Emotional/psychic vampires just sucking all your happiness and contentment out of your life.
You have to get rid of them, it's so true.
It took me a while to get used to that. I think maybe due to anxiety I was a total pushover and would try and help friends etc. who would never help me back and listen to their bullshit all the time to try and be a good friend and just not do anything when they made fun of me (even in a joking way, it's still making fun of me) etc. but now I just tell them get fucked. It is so liberating. It takes effort to not give in to those vampires, but it is SOOOO worth it. You end up respecting yourself so much more.

Thanks, I listened to the podcast. And I got rid of the emotional vampires in my life.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Why the hell have I never seriously tried getting a job befor....

Yeah, keep looking for another job. It's very likely that within a few months, maybe a year, you will end up like the other people there.
The mindlessly repetitive stuff is always like that. You're just whiling away the time, and getting money, but then after a while you start wanting to do something more useful and interesting and the days start getting longer and longer.

Originally Posted by GavinGill

lol, I hope I'm just psyching myself out, but I did feel some intense pain a few days ago down there. I assumed it was nothing serious since I hadn't had any "me time" in two months, so I "took care of it" and I felt fine for a while. There's been noticeable soreness ever since though, I haven't been able to sit down properly all day. Again, I know this is tmi but I have nowhere else to vent, but when I checked it out, while taking a shower... it seemed like it was rotating. Like visibly squirming around. After a bit of googling, the hypochondriac in me is worried it might be: Testicular torsion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

If that's the case, I was supposed to take care of it within 6 hours. After 24 hours, the chances of recovery are ridiculously low. It's been a few days so... idk, hope I'm just paranoid. But if not, I've already run a mental simulation of the worst case scenario and sort of come to terms with it (can't help it, I'm a worrier xD). Oh well, I'll just get it checked out tomorrow and hopefully it's nothing serious.

EDIT: Think it's best if I go sooner, just in case. I'll take a nap, then head out. Gawwwwwdddd this is going to be fucking unpleasant, having a bunch of strangers looking at and touching my genitals... >________>

Uh, dude.... your balls are supposed to do that, move about I mean. Especially in the shower, it always happens. They move around to cool down and warm up, coz sperm can only survive at a very specific temperature. If you had testicular torsion, you would know. It'd be the worst pain you've felt in your entire life and you wouldn't even hesitate to get to the hospital ASAP.

Why the fuck didn't you fap for 2 months? Of course it's sore. If I don't fap for a week and then do it I get sore as well.
The body needs regularity. It's like if you don't eat meat for a couple of months and then suddenly have a steak, you'll feel like shit coz your body can't process it.

Originally Posted by Anju

Thanks for your support tommo. Yeah, it is kinda frustrating to be an ambitious girl born in a conservative family in a conservative culture. My parents consider themselves broad-minded for letting me pursue the career of my choice (after lots and lots of begging and pleading by me). But they often use this for emotional blackmail, telling me how selfishly I had shattered their dreams about my future and stuff. Like you said, the problem is that they always think they know what is best for me.

Regarding the marriage issue, I'm still in queue as my elder sister hasn't married yet. She's 27, and girls above 25 have less demand in the marriage market here (yup, it's very much like a business). So right now, they're running out of time and freaking out about it. The sad part is that most women are content with the way things are. The other day, my schoolmate went on preaching about why I should get married before 25. Her argument was "how do you know for sure that you will not like it unless you do it? Get married and you will have a good life". Ugh, and I hoped my generation would be different.

Since I have a job and I live in a different state away from the family, I have things my way for now. And I'm planning to take the entrance exam for higher studies next year. Must start preparing. Also, hoping to save enough money from my job to pay the college fees.

Originally Posted by Anju

Thanks, I listened to the podcast. And I got rid of the emotional vampires in my life.

That's really, really great. I'm so happy for you and I'm glad my words could have some positive impact for you
I wish your generation was different too That schoolmate's advice is terrible, tell her you don't need to jump off a building to realise it's a terrible idea

________________

So, this girl.... lol I've been thinking I should try and be friends with her again. I was so positive about it last night, I'm just gonna stop being a little bitch and man up.
So what if I can't be with her? She deserves someone better than me anyway. I'm so much better than I used to be, but it's not good enough, that's just a fact and I accept it.
This kind of makes me feel okay about her looking for someone to marry and all that, so I'd be alright with being friends with her.
But then this morning.... nope. I remembered how she just keeps putting more and more restrictions on our friendship because she's moving toward the having to get married stage.
I don't know if I'm okay with that. If we could be the same as we have been, sure. But if I'm slowly getting pushed out of her life, that's bullshit.

So I don't know what I'm gonna do now. Hell, maybe I was just super content and optimistic yesterday coz I took some 5-htp. It's possible that I just ignored all the downsides because of that.

I wonder.... if SSRI's etc. have that same level of effect.... maybe that's why everyone is so apathetic to all the shit going on in the world at the moment, I think something ridiculous like 1/3rd of people take anti-depressants. Which is pretty sad. heh

Oh my gosh, somewhere to rant that isn't Facebook. Goody.

I'm just gonna be blunt: I fucking hate having Asperger's syndrome. It's causing me to become hateful of anyone because they just don't understand me. Just today I had an argument with my dad and my bitchy step mother. They said that I can't get a job and that I should wait until I'm, like, in my twenties. I'm now legally an adult and I feel ready to get a job, been ready for a couple of years,band I want my independence. I want to earn my own money! But they say no, I should wait until I'm ready.

They're not mind readers, and they think they know all about me. They think i'll just break down and cry on my first day. They don't know shit about me. They don't know I've hardened at school because of bullies, so they think they can control me like a five year old because of my "condition". It's times like these that I wish I was normal, but normal sucks and ... I'm not making sense but does anyone understand that?

Sigh. Well that made me feel a lot better. Bottom line: parents, especially step mothers, suck.

Originally Posted by tommo

Yeah, keep looking for another job. It's very likely that within a few months, maybe a year, you will end up like the other people there.
The mindlessly repetitive stuff is always like that. You're just whiling away the time, and getting money, but then after a while you start wanting to do something more useful and interesting and the days start getting longer and longer.

I can definitely see it going in that direction already, not that I'm really bored quite yet. Even just it being repetitive wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't have to move around and do stuff and think about food safety standards lol. Like I could do data entry no problem. I think I am going to start looking again as soon as these next two terrible weeks of school pass.

Originally Posted by tommo

So, this girl.... lol I've been thinking I should try and be friends with her again. I was so positive about it last night, I'm just gonna stop being a little bitch and man up.
So what if I can't be with her? She deserves someone better than me anyway. I'm so much better than I used to be, but it's not good enough, that's just a fact and I accept it.
This kind of makes me feel okay about her looking for someone to marry and all that, so I'd be alright with being friends with her.
But then this morning.... nope. I remembered how she just keeps putting more and more restrictions on our friendship because she's moving toward the having to get married stage.
I don't know if I'm okay with that. If we could be the same as we have been, sure. But if I'm slowly getting pushed out of her life, that's bullshit.

Well, if she does still have feelings for you, couldn't it be that she's trying to cut you out of her life to avoid the pain just like you tried to do to her? Just a thought.

Originally Posted by tommo

I wonder.... if SSRI's etc. have that same level of effect.... maybe that's why everyone is so apathetic to all the shit going on in the world at the moment, I think something ridiculous like 1/3rd of people take anti-depressants. Which is pretty sad. heh

Lol. And probably. Prozac turns you into a homicidal/suicidal zombie.

-----

So, I think I just came out of some kind of mind tunnel. o.O

I hope i don't get in trouble cuz i dreamt of accidentally killing the president.....who knows...it might be a crime to dream such things O_o!

Originally Posted by CherryBomb

Oh my gosh, somewhere to rant that isn't Facebook. Goody.

I'm just gonna be blunt: I fucking hate having Asperger's syndrome. It's causing me to become hateful of anyone because they just don't understand me. Just today I had an argument with my dad and my bitchy step mother. They said that I can't get a job and that I should wait until I'm, like, in my twenties. I'm now legally an adult and I feel ready to get a job, been ready for a couple of years,band I want my independence. I want to earn my own money! But they say no, I should wait until I'm ready.

They're not mind readers, and they think they know all about me. They think i'll just break down and cry on my first day. They don't know shit about me. They don't know I've hardened at school because of bullies, so they think they can control me like a five year old because of my "condition". It's times like these that I wish I was normal, but normal sucks and ... I'm not making sense but does anyone understand that?

Sigh. Well that made me feel a lot better. Bottom line: parents, especially step mothers, suck.

That sucks... just get a job, since you are legally an adult, unless they're going to kick you out if you try or something. It can do nothing but good. And it sounds like you're 'ready' .

I can relate lately to the "It's causing me to become hateful of anyone because they just don't understand me." I've been feeling something I'd describe the same.

------

I looked it up again and... maybe I do have Asperger's. Around most people, I appear to have literally every single one of these symptoms from Mayoclinic:

Engaging in one-sided, long-winded conversations, without noticing if the listener is listening or trying to change the subject
Displaying unusual nonverbal communication, such as lack of eye contact, few facial expressions, or awkward body postures and gestures
Showing an intense obsession with one or two specific, narrow subjects, such as baseball statistics, train schedules, weather or snakes
Appearing not to understand, empathize with or be sensitive to others' feelings
Having a hard time "reading" other people or understanding humor
Speaking in a voice that is monotonous, rigid or unusually fast
Moving clumsily, with poor coordination

Every one of those is an extreme trait that I unarguably exhibit to most people. But I never thought I had them before because most if it is just appearance, but in thought I'm the opposite. Most of those things I'm completely aware of doing, and don't do much of at all while in private. Like while with my boyfriend or alone, or if I'm drunk or something, are probably the only exceptions. I feel like I notice other people do the "engaging in one-sided, long-winded conversations" thing, and that rather than being unaware of the other person's desire to stop, I feel I'm more aware than most people. Yet for some reason I do it myself when I'm nervous, even if I know the person doesn't want to hear, I just kinda ignore that knowledge for a while until I get mad at myself later. Writing long as fuck posts when I know the length will probably keep most people away is sort of like that. I just turn off the part of my brain that notices it for a while because I get obsessed with the subject.

Few facial expressions, yes, that's an extreme abnormal characteristic I have.
Awkward body postures, I used to have so badly while a teenager. But I feel like I don't really have that anymore at all, I've kinda learned to be able to relax my body normally, unless I'm really nervous but I think that's normal.
Intense obsession with subject... heh... already covered that a bit, but I do it a lot. I'll become obsessed with something for a while, then eventually get sick of it.
I feel like I understand humour perfectly fine, better than most people actually. I may have had trouble when I was a kid, but now not at all. I have an intuitive grasp on a lot of complicated social stuff, better in some ways than most people have I think. It's just that I don't appear to, even if I try.
My voice is very monotonous and rigid, but again, only when I'm not comfortable around the person.
I do have terrible coordination, like in dance classes when I was little, I was always the only one who just could not do it.

So no wonder my mom thought I had Asperger's... I fit about every symptom on that list. But not if it's implying you have to be like that mentally. Like if you really don't understand humor. From her viewpoint it would seem that I had it though.

So, any diagnoses, medical professionals? I honestly kinda want to be diagnosed with something and have been considering going to a psychologist. I just feel so different from everyone else, increasingly lately since I'm in school and am expected to work in groups and stuff. And feeling like shit about it, because as far as I know it's my fault, I'm just lazy and stupid, if I really don't have any problems. Maybe everyone else just had the intelligence and ability to mature to 'get over' it. But if it turned out I actually had some condition... for some reason I'd feel like it was something to overcome, which I had to overcome that most people didn't. I wouldn't stop trying. FUCK I need to leave... I do this every morning. I'm online for so long after waking up, then end up rushing and being late.

How the heck does so much time pass between my posts (at times lol). I thought I was *just* here but I've not been since the end of September!

Prozac was awesome for me. It didn't turn me into a zombie at all. Then I switched to some other relative and now I'm on Celexa which works just as well for me. The most miraculous thing is that it takes care of most of my period pain. I've told this story already, but it's been years ago lol. But 10 years ago or so my hubby actually ordered an MRI (or somesuch) for me. Once a month or so, I would be in so much pain I could hardly walk. It felt like I had been kneed in the crotch a few thousand times. My back pain was also unbearable. I thought endometreitis (lol- however it's spelled), but all pap tests came back normal. Then I started seeing my p-doc for what turned out to be anxiety and tried different meds. After I had been on Prozac for a while I noticed a miraculous thing: my period pains went away.
I don't know HOW or WHY they work, but they do and I am INDESCRIBABLY happy.

But I'm also stupid Part of the reason for my absence is that I tried making my meds last longer by cutting my dose in partial halves. I take 2 pills a day. I figured I'd take 1 one day, two another and rotate like that throughout the week. Then I started my period and was in pain (though not even a portion of my former anguish). I didn't connect the reason right away My pills only cost $8. a month. I need to stop being such a penny pincher.

And tonsil stones are VERY real. And they are an incredible pain in the arse. I've gotten them since I was a kid but I only recently discovered where mine form. I have no tonsils to speak of (very small). But I have some grooves in my throat. Food particles get caught in the grooves and harden into the "stones". They smell FOUL. They cause bad breath and a terrible taste in your mouth and can lead to sore throats and ears, swollen lymph nodes. The worst of mine only form at the left side of my throat. I discovered if I push the skin right before the groove and make a sort of gagging motion while pushing the spot, the stones come out. But then the spot pressed bleeds a tiny bit. I do that now about once every couple weeks. It's irritating, but keeps the problem under control.

Dianeva, it takes me MUCH longer than 15 minutes to unwind 15 minutes is my "least tolerant" time line- the point I can force myself to be social but little more.
I have a hard time talking to my kids. Talking to my transgender son (or would that be daughter? He identifies as female). But that's because he thinks I'm constantly judging him (sort of the reverse of you and your parents). I've felt for years now that he's on the Asperger scale. He has almost zero social skills and has an almost impossible ability to read expressions and body language (among other things like no sense of humor lol). I'm constantly on the defense.


My rants.... I've written about this before but: I love my boobs. I never had any until I started gaining weight. The rant in that is I feel like a pervert. Whenever I sleep, I'm always falling asleep cupping them or with my arms between them. I tell myself that to be a pervert, I'd have to be turning myself on or something :blush: But for me it's a comfort thing. Which doesn't make me feel much better because then I feel like a very young child running to the breasts of his mother for security. I'm 39 years old. Why do I still need a "security blanket"? And then I chastise myself for chastising myself for seeking comfort :rofl: But why do I feel in need of comfort? See the endlessness of such thoughts
Also, my throat has been sore every morning. And I keep dreaming about working in a library but getting fired because I forget to show up. And with that dream, I usually dream I'm in school but can't find my classes. What the heck? I've had the library and school dreams forever. I can understand the school one. But the library? I've never worked or volunteered at a library before.
I also keep dreaming my dog comes back to life but she's covered in fleas and I ask her why she came back to me because the fleas are just going to kill her again. I also understand that dream, though I don't like it.

That's it. to all who need one.

Originally Posted by GavinGill

lol, I hope I'm just psyching myself out, but I did feel some intense pain a few days ago down there. After a bit of googling, the hypochondriac in me is worried it might be: Testicular torsion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

EDIT: Think it's best if I go sooner, just in case. I'll take a nap, then head out. Gawwwwwdddd this is going to be fucking unpleasant, having a bunch of strangers looking at and touching my genitals... >________>

I pray for you and your balls, GavinGill!



I really, really hate roaches!!!

Zhay, that's a long post and I'll respond to it more when I have more time lol. But welcome back in the meantime!

And nice to see you around here again too, Melanie!

I don't have a whole lot of time to rant right now but the main point I want to make is this ---> SUBMISSION IS LIFE. I'm pretty sure nothing else matters now.

You may resume browsing now.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

How the heck does so much time pass between my posts (at times lol). I thought I was *just* here but I've not been since the end of September!

Prozac was awesome for me. It didn't turn me into a zombie at all. Then I switched to some other relative and now I'm on Celexa which works just as well for me. The most miraculous thing is that it takes care of most of my period pain. I've told this story already, but it's been years ago lol. But 10 years ago or so my hubby actually ordered an MRI (or somesuch) for me. Once a month or so, I would be in so much pain I could hardly walk. It felt like I had been kneed in the crotch a few thousand times. My back pain was also unbearable. I thought endometreitis (lol- however it's spelled), but all pap tests came back normal. Then I started seeing my p-doc for what turned out to be anxiety and tried different meds. After I had been on Prozac for a while I noticed a miraculous thing: my period pains went away.
I don't know HOW or WHY they work, but they do and I am INDESCRIBABLY happy.

I was wondering where you went!

Grr, I just wrote out a little Prozac rant and my computer restarted, so I lost it. Well, the gist of it was that I know it really does help for some people, but there are an alarming number of homicides and suicides associated with it (and even a warning about them on the box), and doctors just hand them out like candy. Most of the people who get it don't need it, which means that chance of bad side effects showing up just gets worse and worse. You obviously got pretty lucky with them though lol. And Celexa's not nearly as bad as Prozac, as far as I can tell. As long as they work for you.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

And tonsil stones are VERY real. And they are an incredible pain in the arse. I've gotten them since I was a kid but I only recently discovered where mine form. I have no tonsils to speak of (very small). But I have some grooves in my throat. Food particles get caught in the grooves and harden into the "stones". They smell FOUL. They cause bad breath and a terrible taste in your mouth and can lead to sore throats and ears, swollen lymph nodes. The worst of mine only form at the left side of my throat. I discovered if I push the skin right before the groove and make a sort of gagging motion while pushing the spot, the stones come out. But then the spot pressed bleeds a tiny bit. I do that now about once every couple weeks. It's irritating, but keeps the problem under control.

That sounds freaking awful. @_@ I'm going to be so paranoid about this now!! I need to drink some water.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

I have a hard time talking to my kids. Talking to my transgender son (or would that be daughter? He identifies as female).

Yeah, daughter would be correct.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

My rants.... I've written about this before but: I love my boobs. I never had any until I started gaining weight. The rant in that is I feel like a pervert. Whenever I sleep, I'm always falling asleep cupping them or with my arms between them. I tell myself that to be a pervert, I'd have to be turning myself on or something :blush: But for me it's a comfort thing. Which doesn't make me feel much better because then I feel like a very young child running to the breasts of his mother for security. I'm 39 years old. Why do I still need a "security blanket"? And then I chastise myself for chastising myself for seeking comfort :rofl: But why do I feel in need of comfort? See the endlessness of such thoughts

You're adorable. It's okay to like your body. It's the only one you get, might as well make the most of it, right?

-----

Let me start with a sort of rave first. This one guy I knew back in like elementary and middle school just got hired to my work as a new cook. We were never really in the same crowd and I barely saw him after those early years, but it's cool to have someone that I know, and have known for so long, working with me when I'm still new to the job. Plus, like the very first thing he asked me after we took a second to recognize each other was "Do you smoke?", so I think we're off to a good start.

So my rant.... Gah. This is all I'm going to say. My brain is frying before my eyes. Some people are just fucking intoxicating. One of these days I'm going to get so high that I never come back down.

Rave: I just got some mango beer. So I get the terpenes (surprisingly ultra relaxing stuff) plus the Hops, so I'm pretty chill now and feel good (just continuing this trend of emoticons that we never use )

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I can definitely see it going in that direction already, not that I'm really bored quite yet. Even just it being repetitive wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't have to move around and do stuff and think about food safety standards lol. Like I could do data entry no problem. I think I am going to start looking again as soon as these next two terrible weeks of school pass.

Yeah, that's funny lol I thought the same thing, I'd be okay doing data entry or something. Pizza shop got how I said because driving around is actually pretty taxing, gotta make sure you don't crash and stuff (I'm super cautious after 2 crashes and riding a motorbike), and then also retard people that were working in the shop that I had to make sure didn't contaminate the food or touch me haha
That's pretty much my backup plan, if this veterinarian thing doesn't pan out. Also assuming the outsourcing countries become too expensive and jobs start coming back to the countries where the businesses actually are. Then I'll just work say.... 2 years then travel for 6 months, repeat until dead. I think that would be good.

Why are the next two weeks school terrible?

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Well, if she does still have feelings for you, couldn't it be that she's trying to cut you out of her life to avoid the pain just like you tried to do to her? Just a thought.

I talked to her again, you're sort of right. She's not trying to cut me out of her life. She talked to me first, so yeah. But you are sort of right, and I did consider it. She's trying to not have feelings for me, or at least she's trying to not be more romantic with me, to be "proper", to use her phrasing.
She won't admit it, she gives other reasons and I told her I think I know the real reason and she didn't really question me on it, so yeah.
Also the thing I thought she may have done to upset me wasn't that at all, she was just trying to talk to me, which I wasn't sure about.

Anyway, she talked to me, and I told her the reasons why I can't talk to her, and she really didn't answer all that much.... she said she's been stressed and just thinking through stuff by herself.
I told her it hurts that she basically pushed me away because of some guy that she's never met (the guy who came to meet her etc.) and she basically said she knows that it was wrong and she's sorry.

Anyway.... I know what I'm going to do now, so I think I'll be alright on that front for a while

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Lol. And probably. Prozac turns you into a homicidal/suicidal zombie.

Yeah.... fucking anti-depressants.... they should be reserved for the most clinically depressed people IMO. Too many side-effects for garden variety depression, and besides the studies have shown they are no better than placebo and only have a mild effect in severe depression (like, can't move, rotting away, basically catatonic depression, at which point they should be prescribing Ketamine or MDMA, IMO).

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

So, I think I just came out of some kind of mind tunnel. o.O

Explain yourself!

Originally Posted by Dianeva

That sucks... just get a job, sinc.... Aspergers stuff

I was just thinking about this again the other day; whether I have Asperger's or not. I think I'm the same as you, based on what you describe.
Outwardly - I totally have it, no question.
But in my mind, I'm not the same as people perceive me, at all. I don't know if autistic people think the same way people think they do based on outward signals though.
There are so many things I just don't understand in regular conversation though, like for example a recent thing I remember is one of the mangers at work was like "How are you finding things?"
on my first day in a different role in the store. And I thought he was just asking if I was finding items easily when customers asked, but he was just asking if I was coping well with the job.
It's expressions like that that people use which I just have no idea about, and always end up giving some retarded answer, to which they respond with awkward expressions.
Sarcasm is another thing which I just don't pick up on at all, and some jokes that are thrown in to regular conversation as well.

I think all these things can also be explained by other problems I have and just the way I think (anxiety, slight paranoia, preoccupation with more interesting thoughts/things) but as you say, I don't know if this is the same reason people with Asperger's act the way they do.

I think it is a weak diagnoses anyway, it doesn't mean anything, there's no physical aspect of the brain they can point to and say "this is why your brain fires this way" or whatever.... It's basically just a set of personality traits. And the best thing you can do is just try to learn the things you are not good at, like for me it is sarcasm, uninvited jokes, boring conversations (still got a long way to go on that one lol) and random common phrases.
And having a diagnosis doesn't change that. People who have been diagnosed can only learn to get better at those things as well, and usually by the time they are diagnosed, they already have learned to deal with those things.

Originally Posted by tommo

Rave: I just got some mango beer. So I get the terpenes (surprisingly ultra relaxing stuff) plus the Hops, so I'm pretty chill now and feel good (just continuing this trend of emoticons that we never use )

That actually sounds great! Does it list a myrcene content anywhere?

I'm thinking about ordering some mango wine now. >.>

Originally Posted by tommo

Yeah, that's funny lol I thought the same thing, I'd be okay doing data entry or something. Pizza shop got how I said because driving around is actually pretty taxing, gotta make sure you don't crash and stuff (I'm super cautious after 2 crashes and riding a motorbike), and then also retard people that were working in the shop that I had to make sure didn't contaminate the food or touch me haha
That's pretty much my backup plan, if this veterinarian thing doesn't pan out. Also assuming the outsourcing countries become too expensive and jobs start coming back to the countries where the businesses actually are. Then I'll just work say.... 2 years then travel for 6 months, repeat until dead. I think that would be good.

Why are the next two weeks school terrible?

Well I've been in a few crashes now, I'm starting to become numb to them lol. I am worried about the people in the shop though. Good thing I'm not there often. I can definitely see the driving getting old though! It'd be a lot better if it didn't climax with human interaction every time haha.

Six months of travel periodically for the rest of your life does actually sound pretty nice. I could go for something like that. I really kind of want to live the artist lifestyle. <.< I'm fairly certain that that's what I'm going to get a major in now. The more people I talk to the more and more they tell me that they went to college to get a degree and then got out and never used it once, and that aside from some super specific skill the only thing that really matters is that you got a degree at all, so I'm thinking about just using that to enjoy the end of my schooling and not expect it to take off when I graduate so I won't be disappointed if it doesn't, though of course I would be happy if it did too. But if I actually just had that going for me and I could get a job that's good enough to keep myself going while I work on that stuff in my free time and take vacations like your plan, I think I could be happy....

About school, it's just a whole bunch of products due all at once. For the same class. And two of them are presentations, and one of them a group project. And one of them is due tomorrow so I have to dedicate my day today to it. >_<

Originally Posted by tommo

I talked to her again, you're sort of right. She's not trying to cut me out of her life. She talked to me first, so yeah. But you are sort of right, and I did consider it. She's trying to not have feelings for me, or at least she's trying to not be more romantic with me, to be "proper", to use her phrasing.
She won't admit it, she gives other reasons and I told her I think I know the real reason and she didn't really question me on it, so yeah.
Also the thing I thought she may have done to upset me wasn't that at all, she was just trying to talk to me, which I wasn't sure about.

Anyway, she talked to me, and I told her the reasons why I can't talk to her, and she really didn't answer all that much.... she said she's been stressed and just thinking through stuff by herself.
I told her it hurts that she basically pushed me away because of some guy that she's never met (the guy who came to meet her etc.) and she basically said she knows that it was wrong and she's sorry.

Anyway.... I know what I'm going to do now, so I think I'll be alright on that front for a while

Well, I hope it works out then. It's definitely a tough situation but it sounds like she's trying to figure out the best way to deal with it and she knows she shouldn't just be going along with it. I wish the best of luck to you both!

Originally Posted by tommo

Yeah.... fucking anti-depressants.... they should be reserved for the most clinically depressed people IMO. Too many side-effects for garden variety depression, and besides the studies have shown they are no better than placebo and only have a mild effect in severe depression (like, can't move, rotting away, basically catatonic depression, at which point they should be prescribing Ketamine or MDMA, IMO).

They should definitely be prescribing MDMA since they originally were and it was shown to work for that kind of stuff. Ketamine is definitely good for depression in tests but I don't know if I think it should be implemented yet. At least, I probably wouldn't prescribe it to someone who was in catatonic depression lol. Arylcyclohexylamines are genuinely addictive and someone who already lies around doing nothing all day is a prime candidate for becoming hooked on ketamine, plus the bladder problems from chronic use.... At least MDMA motivates you and gives you tons of energy. It would definitely need to be alongside therapy though - the hangover could really bring down people who weren't properly prepared for it.

Incidentally, I'm really thinking about trying some dissociatives lately. >_> They're the only major hallucinogen class I never really got to experiment with, my only two significant experiences with them came from when they were combined with psychedelics.... I would be lying if I said that the antidepressant effect is something I was really shooting for, but I sure would be watching out for it if I managed to find some ketamine, or even some research chemicals.... Maybe then I'll have a more solid opinion on it lol.

Originally Posted by tommo

Explain yourself!

Oh heheh.... I was really high when I wrote that lol. I've been talking to this guy lately purely as a friend, he's already in a happy relationship and everything, but he's polyamorous and he does have like "intimate friendships" that he expresses that through, though everyone has to be cleared by his girlfriend first (and she can choose to be there for anything if she wants to). So it's basically like an open relationship but not with just random sex, only with close friends. He's actually the guy who first told me about the group of people in the fetish community here who have the dinner gatherings, so we've known each other for a while now. But just lately he started hitting on me and he really knows how to get me. >w< He's a Master (like Master/slave) and is in the role pretty much 24/7, and he's really good at it. He's also just a really nice guy and packed full of confidence.

So the other day when I posted that I had just finished talking to him, and when I had started talking to him I had just finished taking some bong hits. I don't even know how to describe it lol. Mind tunnel is a good start. Ever since I joined the community around here I keep hearing people talk about subspace, basically this state of mind during a scene that's so intense that the submissive dissociates and their thoughts become incoherent while their body just does its thing. I definitely haven't been there yet but I totally get the process. When I was high and talking to this guy it was like having my brain scooped out, and my body was basically on autopilot. It can be very... eye-opening. >.>

<.<

>.>;;

-----

Rant: Good god. So I was just out on the back porch smoking out of that double-wide bong I mentioned before, The Girth, and just randomly decided to take a massive hit from a really packed bowl without thinking about it. Now I don't mean to brag (ha), but I can take some pretty solid hits without coughing or anything. I used to have a habit of smoking sacramental tobacco out of a bong and eventually even that was all smooth. But this hit was BIG, and the weed a little nasty, and that bong is just such a fucking heavy hitter.... I completely whitewalled before pulling the bowl out and went back in to take the full hit, but I couldn't even inhale for more than half a second before getting up, running to the grass, and puking a little bit. Which has NEVER happened before. Damn that was some thick smoke! My eyes are still watering from it. I couldn't even finish it, I just let it all pour out. My throat feels so weak right now. @_@