Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Something is wrong with my body, Kinda Embarrassing and I'm Hoping its not life threatening, I won't be able to get in to the hospital till the fifth. Shit would suck if its gonna kill me though, I just now started trying to live life for the first time since 6th grade.

Originally Posted by ZeraCook

Something is wrong with my body, Kinda Embarrassing and I'm Hoping its not life threatening, I won't be able to get in to the hospital till the fifth. Shit would suck if its gonna kill me though, I just now started trying to live life for the first time since 6th grade.

Um... that sounds kind of intense to be so vague about. Does it seem like there's... a chance of that?

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Um... that sounds kind of intense to be so vague about. Does it seem like there's... a chance of that?

I'm just being vague because I have.... something that makes me overthink every little thing and its the main reason I don't usually go to the hospital because I"m so fearful at moments, usually a bowl helps but not this time so I figure I might as well go in, besides I haven't actually went to the doctor for a year and then three before that, and the last time was just to go in, tell them the problem then without tests they said just an infection.

Zeracook- Since I don't know what's wrong with you I can't exactly say honestly that "you'll be fine" but I am certain you won't get anything out of over thinking it. Look at the bright side, if it is life threatening that means you have very limited time left, so live it.

My training in tarot is going alright. It's funny though, I hung out with another psychic friend of mine and she criticized a book recommended to me by the lady teaching me tarot. Her points were valid and in fact, my teacher raised the same criticism about the book, which is that it's too mystical. I was recommended a different book that's more grounded and less fluffy.

Right now I'm essentially using the two psychics as bullshit filters. I'm already pretty good at filtering bullshit on my own but I mean, I want to learn tarot, palmistry and I-Ching correctly. Whether or not I buy into their value, I think it would be disrespectful to focus more on appearing as though I'm psychic than actually understanding the technique behind it. See, while I neither believe nor disbelieve in this sort of spirituality, I know my intention is not to scam people. If they want a reading, it should be authentic rather than completely made up. And I mean yeah, I'm going to use mentalism and NLP to sell myself and lure in customers on the street, but if they pay for a reading they'll get a real one. And yeah, the reading may include psychology, picking up on unconsciously given clues and micro-emotions, but that's only because I don't believe it has to be one or the other. I will not exclude a toolset simply because utilizing it supplementally would mean that I'm not a "real" psychic. I see nothing wrong with using my natural psychic gifts in conjunction with a skillful understanding of the medium as well as an understanding of psychology. In fact, I think in many ways it would make my readings more accurate. The book I'm getting will help me develop my psychic gifts. Whether or not I think they exist is of no concern to me because if they do exist then I will develop them.

When some people I thought were down-to-earth, realistic, and cool-headed individuals start to become negative towards me and their own friends, and I allow myself to be sucked into their nonsense because I really care about them, it makes me wonder how I'm really pathetic for holding on to them too much. The feeling is doubly when family members show signs of the same behavior of sapping people like me who wants to have a decent life. It amazes me how the very same people who engrained the idea that you should aim for the best, and be the best person you can be suddenly turn into your worse enemies. Because they can't go any further, instead of realizing that being content that their days of extreme ambition is gone, and that they should focus on their own lives, they go ahead and make excuses for themselves and sap any living potential I still have inside myself.

Not every family is the same, I know that for sure, but when it's in this condition where it's just people exchanging their insecurities through aggression and condescending statements that continues to challenge my patience with them, and my patience with trying to realize that things will be better eventually....it gets sickening. It's disgusting seeing these people who would go to the ends of the earth to make sure you're in one piece STILL have their own regrets and want to stop someone's agenda in life. It's not me trying to disrespect my family and relatives, it's just being in that pool of negativity and regrets of others becomes so irritating that I just want to focus on myself, focus that everything I do is my own doing, and not blaming others because of it.

But the world isn't like that, it's a constant battle with being a visionary, sticking to it, and finding ways to just make things happen for your sake. And then if there's any signs of success, they'll act happy for you until you reach a plateau only to sap your energy again. This is BULLSHIT, everyone is out to fucking bring you down in some shape or form, this whole hatred and lost hopes turning into insecurities and dishing it out on people you care about makes this world twisted and HORRIBLE. There's obviously more serious shit than this rant, but when it's showing through people who raised you and relatives who are supposed to be there for you the best way they can, all the problems in the world is just nothing if you can't get a grip of reality from the source of how you started.

Uh oh, starting my telepathy again with him, what's weird about it is that it always starts near 9pm or around 9. Whenever i get telepathy i look at the time and start timing when it usually starts, but mostly 9pm, sometimes early afternoon like 12-1pm, ya kinda odd.
Time now, 8:30pm

I had a splitting headache for a lot of the day. I think my history of anxiety, depression, and GABA abuse, still mildly lingering HPPD, chronic weed smoking, and daily eye strain with my laptop monitor inches away from my face while twisted into certainly terrible for me positions on the couch is finally catching up to me again. My cortisol levels must be really high, and I'm sure my GABA levels are insanely low. I'm getting stress headaches left and right, but this one was just bad. I'm guessing it's because we had to do an impromptu presentation in my speech class today, and I can act pretty calm through those things but it doesn't mean my heart isn't pounding away. Not long after this thing kicked in and I almost thought I wouldn't be able to finish the day, the pain was reaching the point where it was extremely difficult to focus on anything else. When I got home I just rested my eyes and tried to relax my neck and back and used a heating pad for a bit, then took a warm shower and that all helped a lot, but even just being here on the computer again to type this up is starting to make the strain come back. I could tell it was building up to this for the past week or two so I know what I have to do, it just kind of sucks. Looks like I'm going to have to avoid using the computer a lot for some time....

I'm going to be bored out of my skull. T-T But at least I'll have time to do things to get back to normal. My mom just started up this yoga routine, I think I'm going to get in on that. And I definitely need to get a massage....

Ugh... sorry for any worry I may have caused. I hadn't realized I'd been away for so long.
Life has been fairly nice. No real rants until a few days ago.
Been playing a lot of WoW and crocheting. I learned a wave pattern by watching YouTube (who knew it was useful for more than watching puppies and babies lol)

everyone.
LOL Ophelia for your guy naming his penis Dream Views. And LOL Link for your WTF gif

My rant is that I started taking Wellbutrin again because my stupid anxiety yawns were driving me up a wall. But when I added the med, my libido shot through the roof. And when I must take care of my own needs, my fantasies are very dark which leads me to SI I thought of telling all of this to my pdoc when I see him in a few hours. I know what he would ask "Why are you punishing yourself for thoughts?" It doesn't feel like I'm punishing myself though. It feels cleansing. That's the only word I could think of that fit. But what is cleansing? It's removing a taint, something bad- in other words- punishing But why does it feel DIFFERENT than "You're a horrible, horrible person and must pay for your crimes!!!" It feels more like "Okay, I had fun playing outside in that mud and now I have to take a bath. But the bath is nice too so I'm okay."

Don't get me wrong. There are times I SI to punish myself, times I use it to distract myself from grief or anger, times I use it to "ground" my emotions when they're too out of control. But when I use it after taking care of my needs (why is it so hard to type masterbate ) it doesn't feel like the same reasons. It feels... cleansing.

And then I'm hooked on the ACT of SI itself. I'm fascinated how it can take a cut several seconds to start bleeding even after you watch the skin separate. It's morbid and sick but I think of it as beautiful. WTH???!!! And then I get into a sort of competition with myself "You call THAT a cut, you big sissy? That's a cat scratch! You can do better than that!" WTF? Which ultimately leads to a cut I have to super glue.

Other than my weird stupidity, life is good. There was a spider on my ceiling the other day, which tells me that Spring is finally right around the corner (not for the spider however. He was squished because he refused to go to a wall- which would have saved his life. I didn't want him dropping onto my head!!)

My stomach is still weird. I'm still living on Strawberry milk and having to take laxatives, but I'm fairly used to it all now. But, gah, I spend a small fortune on 16 ounce bottles of milk! Our fridge is too small to hold a gallon, so I buy 4 small bottles at a time and shove it in between the other stuff in the fridge.

Myles still hasn't emailed me. It's been almost a month and, as always, I'm certain he's dead. But I'm no longer beside myself with grief and anxiety. I think all of his disappearances have kind of prepared me for his actual demise (as pathetic as that sounds).
I hope he made to to Job Corp and that he just doesn't have internet access.

Rant numero uno: My recall is the worst it has been since... IDK. Years ago? Grr.

2: I'm pretty sure one of my pills is dissolving in my throat, and my stomach is not happy for whatever reason. Why stomach? You know I try to take care of you! All I've ever done is fill you up with good food and try not to agitate you!

3: This happened a few weeks ago but I'm still irritated about it, so I'm going to rant about it. Nothing like clearing the air for peace of mind, am I right?

Basically I was in a Sunday School group class and they were talking about love. They were picking apart a passage, some of their interpretations I agreed with and some I didn't. In particular there was one piece that said (or at least was interpreted by everyone as saying) that there was no possible way for non-Christians to love as much as Christians do because the Christians have God.

Seriously?

Ok, Christian, you go and tell a godless mother that she will never love her child as much as you love yours because you have god. Go on. Do it. What, you don't want to? Maybe because you will come across as an elitist asshole and because you have absolutely no proof whatsoever that this is true? Think about it. We all have more or less the same setup for emotions, including love. Love is a chemical reaction. Is your brain somehow special now? And what about me? Am I magically no longer able to love my husband as much now that I'm agnostic?

Sigh.

4th, and final (for now):

I'm sick of people who aren't prepared. I like preparing for a SHTF scenario because it's fun, I learn stuff, and it could potentially be useful. I'm not saying I know everything, or could survive everything, because that would be an outright lie. I still need to learn a lot of the basics. I'm also really sick of people who aren't prepared treating me like I'm weird or a nut job.

What? Is an insurance policy bad? Is making a savings account or an emergency fund weird? Is that a nutty thing to do? Because all prepping is is taking some of that money and converting it into hard, usable assets that you need to survive and that your life may depend upon. Was it weird that our ancestors used to can stuff? Of course not. They knew they just might fall on some times where food wasn't as readily available (and sometimes it isn't, like winter).

But we have grocery stores! And electricity! And none of this could ever happen to me! And if it does, the government will get here quickly! And I will be the first person they take care of!

Alrighty, let's take a look at those statements, shall we?
-Grocery stores are worth nothing in a panic. Everyone will be there trying to stock up (which they should have done beforehand), so they will be completely cleaned out. Grocery stores will not be restocked if roads are down and power is out.
-We have power? Have you ever heard of a little thing called a power outage? Have you heard that sometimes they can last a week or more?
-None of this could happen to you? Floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, snowstorms, power outages, earthquakes, war, civil unrest, pandemic - none of this could happen to you? How about something as simple as losing your job? Please.
-The government is quick? Someone call the press! Our government did something on time! No. Not really. Take the normal time for bureaucracy in a bad situation, plus the time is takes to mobilize, plus the time it takes to travel, plus the time it takes to determine if bridges and the like are sound enough to travel on plus the time for set up plus the time for the hundreds of thousands of people who got there to be helped. Not looking really good, is it? Take a look at any major disaster here recently and you'll see slow government help. Stop relying on some government entity to save you, have the means and ability to save yourself and those you love.
-Sorry to be really cynical here, but do you think the government cares about you as an individual? You are a number. You are a statistic. You are just another person they have to help, another person they have to feed, another person they have to give shelter to...the list goes on. You expect to be helped. So do thousands of other people. They might just get there first.

If you want to read something really depressing, in case total chaos occurs (unlikely, but who knows) read this. It's a very right-wing website, but this article is great. Scroll to the bullet points if you actually read what I posted above.

Sounds fun, right?

And I'm sick of people saying, after I have convinced them of the need to be prepared, "Hey! I'll just stick with you!" Hah! No you won't. As it stands, I have just enough to last me 72 hours by myself without having to look for food or use any of the extended items in my BoB. Because my husband hasn't finished his bag, cut that in half. Divide that by the people I will group with, my family and my husband's family (since I love them and wouldn't leave them behind, even if they aren't prepared). Let's see... 14 people, 3 days supply of food (9 meals) (and this isn't even taking into account water, which is massively more important...if nothing else, have water), that's about half a meal per person for one day. And that's just for the people I really, really care about.

How about skills? Can you sew? Can you forage or hunt? Do you have medical training? Do you have guns and are you not afraid to use them? Can you fix things, particularly cars? If I don't know you that well, if you cannot contribute a useful skill, if you did not take the time to prepare beforehand, if you will only add another mouth to feed, why should I be responsible for your life? Why should I help you, if you didn't even care enough to help yourself?

I'm not opposed to being charitable, and I think that being charitable has a far-reaching impact on everything and everyone. However, I will always choose my family over a stranger. I think most people would.

In case anyone is curious or has questions about my sanity now (and if you do, I still don't understand why being prepared is so awful, unless you neglect your everyday life because of it), no, I do not think that the zombie apocalypse will happen. In my area I'm not likely to face many disasters other than the occasional tornado, civil unrest, or job loss. I'd much rather have it and not need it than need it and not have it.

I am also not an expert on anything, but I am learning, and that's more than I can say for most. In just my family group we have a medic, four novice hunters/fishers/foragers, a few people who know how to sew and cook, several people who are good at fixing things, including one who's decent with basic car repair, and most are familiar, if not proficient, in gun use. That's not bad, and if I can manage to get everyone on board with prepping a little (or at least having a BoB, which everyone should have anyway), we can all teach each other skills. My brother just started teaching me basic medical stuff.

Just do something.

I woke up this morning at about 11.55am and I was feeling very sleepy. So I've attempted another WILD. Everything was going well, I didn't swallow, I didn't move. I started getting these itches so I knew that I was about to experience the vibrations and the high pitched sound. And all of a sudden, I had the urge to sneeze. I tried to suppress it but I couldn't. So I sneezed and ruined the entire attempt. I tried to WILD again but I couldn't go further than just numbness throughout my entire body.

I have never been as upset as I am right now, and never in more need of venting.

U.S. Border Patrol. Holy fucking shit. I was supposed to be on a plane right now, sitting next to my significant other. We spent all night packing, we've been planning to leave for a month, to stay in Wisconsin for 5 months.

When my boyfriend was coming to stay here in Canada with me 4 months ago, he had a bad experience with the Canadian border officers. He didn't have a return flight booked, even though he was planning to return, so they suspected he planned to stay here forever. I was waiting to pick him up, and about an hour and a half after his flight was supposed to arrive, I got called to a room in which I was questioned for about half an hour. He'd been questioned for an hour, then had to wait while they questioned me, until finally they determined he was okay and let him through. I thought THAT was a stressful experience, felt so sorry for him.

So 4 hours ago, we were in the US Custom's line. We'd just passed through 5 previous levels of line-ups for boarding passes, baggage, metal detectors, etc. and were exhausted, and this was to be the last one. I was assuring him that nothing would go wrong; I've never had a problem at these things, just answer 3-4 questions like "where are you going?" "how long are you going for", etc., be direct and honest and then they let you pass. We were sent to different booths.... okay, I'm going into too much detail, I don't even feel like typing this much. The guy sent me to a back room with all these waiting chairs and about 8 booths, and told me to sit and wait, they're just going to ask me a few more questions. There were a few other people waiting. Although there were several booths, only 1-2 at a time were occupied by officers questioning people. So I waited....

The flight leaves at 6:15, usually boarding time is 20-30 minutes before that.

...5:20 *a little annoyed and scared because those people are scary and my boyfriend doesn't know where I am*
...5:30 Another woman waiting was afraid she'd miss her flight, so she asked one of the guards how long it would take because she's in a rush, and the woman responds "You may be in a rush, but we're not in a rush." *Fucking asshole bitch*
...5:40 *okay they need to talk to me and let me through very soon or I'm going to miss the flight*
...5:55 *Fuck I'm going to miss the flight... maybe if they talked to me right now and it was over quickly..... and then I ran to the boarding gate, I could make it...*
...6:10 *Extremely pissed off, I have missed the flight for sure now unless it's extremely delayed, wondering where my boyfriend was, if he'd gone back or boarded the plane, knowing it must be horrible for him not to know what happened to me*

At 6:15 I was finally called to a desk with a *nice on the surface* woman who questioned me for about 20 minutes about where I was going, etc. At one point she asked me how much money I have in my bank account. I gave her an estimate, she asked 'are you sure?' and I said it was that last time I checked, but I've bought things since then, so I don't know for sure. She says "don't lie to me, lying serves you no purpose here". I insisted 'I wasn't lying'. Am I suddenly lying if I'm not sure exactly how much money I have in my account to the fucking cent? Anyway, it went on for 20 minutes. She took all the baggage I'd checked and went through it all. She read receipts, etc. Took out a box of pads on the counter where everyone could see.... all this while I'm just acting like I'm fine and everything's fine. She told me to sit down again and wait for 5 minutes.

...... 20 minutes later, and by this time I was furious but trying not to show it (I think I just appeared flustered and a little irritated), she called me back up and told me they don't know if I'll be allowed in the US, and if I am, 5 months may be too long to stay and it may have to be limited to a shorter time. She had another conversation with me, about 30 minutes, in which I had to raise my hand and 'swear under oath' that I'd tell her the truth. Then she proceeded to type out everything I said, word for word. She printed the papers out in the end and got me to sign them. But I actually read the dialog, and she hadn't typed what I'd said exactly. In some cases, she got some key information wrong, so I had to correct her and she had to reprint it. Then, the guy border official in the booth beside me asks me if I've ever been arrested. I haven't. He then proceeds to take my fingerprints. Not just one, but each of my 10 digits individually as well as both hands had to go in a machine that didn't even work half the time. This probably took about 10 minutes. I wasn't given a choice in the matter. He didn't ask "do you (a Canadian) agree to have your fingerprints taken so that the USA can keep them in its records?" No, he just told me to put my hand on the thing.

After that, she made me wait again, she told me to relax and said she'll just be another 5-10 minutes while she discusses me with her superior. So I waited again... By this time, the average person sent to that back room would have been in and out 3 times in the time I'd been there for. I noticed while waiting that other people were getting through without a hassle. Families were brought back there with little kids, and they were treated well, the border officer just told them "okay hold on guys, I won't keep you here long, just a few questions and I'll get you out of here in a couple minutes!" It pissed me the fuck off.

So this 5-10 minute wait took about 25 minutes, and then she called me back and told me they will NOT allow me to enter the USA today. I am allowed, however, if I bring 'proof' that I have Canadian attachments, that I'm not planning to stay in the US forever or something. It was a blow to hear but I'd been half expecting it already. I suppose it could have been worse, they could have forbade me from the country for a number of years, but they're letting me cross at any time as long as I have certain proofs of my ties to Canada. That's as optimistic as I'm getting. I don't have a driver's license, which I'm going to get now. I need notes from my parents that they'll support me if something happens, and proof that they earn a suitable income, and proof that my bank account has money in it, and anything else I can come up with. Then, I can book another flight, go through all that shit again and hope that they let me in. I was then escorted out through a series of rooms by another officer. We went through doors I wasn't paying attention to at all because my mind was not working at this time, and at one point we went backwards through a big lineup of people, all of them staring at me and wondering what I'd done to be sent back with an escort, I heard a couple comments. I finally got out, found the information center, and the woman there was extremely nice relatively. By the way she and the people at the airline counter afterward were treating me, asking me if I need coffee, asking if I"ll be okay, I must have looked like absolute distressed shit, which is what I felt like. Someone at the airline place asked "and they JUST let you out?" so I take it it's rare what happened.

Anyway, I'm pissed off, and I'm sure my typing is terrible since I haven't gotten much sleep and I'm so upset. I haven't slept in 27 hours and the last night I slept I got only 6 hours of sleep because I had to write a test. I have a terrible headache, I feel nauseous, I don't feel like sleeping at all, I feel too worked up and pissed off to sleep. I can't imagine I'll ever be able to sleep. So now I'm going to get my driver's license.... get all the shit I need and book another flight, and hope they let me in. I know little about government and policies and law but there definitely seems like there's something VERY VERY WRONG with the way customs officers treat people. It's like the pain that they cause is so bad that it isn't even worth whatever they accomplish by being such assholes.
I still haven't called my boyfriend. His flight should be getting into Chicago in a few minutes, and hopefully he has his phone. Hopefully he didn't do anything stupid and just went on the plane.

I didn't think the custom's line would be the last time I'd see him for who knows how long. We didn't even say bye. It was more like, we each went to a customs desk, didn't even bother to make eye contact or anything because we thought we'd meet on the other side in less than a minute. And that was the last time I saw him.... Leaving for the airport, packing, etc. was scary, but at least I was with him, and that made it okay. We were going to spend the next 5 months together, we'd somehow managed to do that and it was awesome. We've been living here for 4 months, spending almost all our time with one another, and now suddenly he's not here, and this room is fucking empty because I thought I'd be gone, and I have to put sheets on my mattress again... and FUCK.... I'm almost gonna cry so I have to stop typing. Sorry if I sound like anything annoying, this is the worst day I've ever had. I thought I was upset the day I found out I didn't get into the university I applied to, fuck, need to call him now.

Wow D, that sounds like a horriffic experience! I can't imagine how upset I would be if I was separated from my partner like that during such a stressful time... Hope you get to him soon

Originally Posted by Dianeva

I have never been as upset as I am right now, and never in more need of venting.

U.S. Border Patrol. Holy fucking shit. I was supposed to be on a plane right now, sitting next to my significant other. We spent all night packing, we've been planning to leave for a month, to stay in Wisconsin for 5 months.

When my boyfriend was coming to stay here in Canada with me 4 months ago, he had a bad experience with the Canadian border officers. He didn't have a return flight booked, even though he was planning to return, so they suspected he planned to stay here forever. I was waiting to pick him up, and about an hour and a half after his flight was supposed to arrive, I got called to a room in which I was questioned for about half an hour. He'd been questioned for an hour, then had to wait while they questioned me, until finally they determined he was okay and let him through. I thought THAT was a stressful experience, felt so sorry for him.

So 4 hours ago, we were in the US Custom's line. We'd just passed through 5 previous levels of line-ups for boarding passes, baggage, metal detectors, etc. and were exhausted, and this was to be the last one. I was assuring him that nothing would go wrong; I've never had a problem at these things, just answer 3-4 questions like "where are you going?" "how long are you going for", etc., be direct and honest and then they let you pass. We were sent to different booths.... okay, I'm going into too much detail, I don't even feel like typing this much. The guy sent me to a back room with all these waiting chairs and about 8 booths, and told me to sit and wait, they're just going to ask me a few more questions. There were a few other people waiting. Although there were several booths, only 1-2 at a time were occupied by officers questioning people. So I waited....

The flight leaves at 6:15, usually boarding time is 20-30 minutes before that.

...5:20 *a little annoyed and scared because those people are scary and my boyfriend doesn't know where I am*
...5:30 Another woman waiting was afraid she'd miss her flight, so she asked one of the guards how long it would take because she's in a rush, and the woman responds "You may be in a rush, but we're not in a rush." *Fucking asshole bitch*
...5:40 *okay they need to talk to me and let me through very soon or I'm going to miss the flight*
...5:55 *Fuck I'm going to miss the flight... maybe if they talked to me right now and it was over quickly..... and then I ran to the boarding gate, I could make it...*
...6:10 *Extremely pissed off, I have missed the flight for sure now unless it's extremely delayed, wondering where my boyfriend was, if he'd gone back or boarded the plane, knowing it must be horrible for him not to know what happened to me*

At 6:15 I was finally called to a desk with a *nice on the surface* woman who questioned me for about 20 minutes about where I was going, etc. At one point she asked me how much money I have in my bank account. I gave her an estimate, she asked 'are you sure?' and I said it was that last time I checked, but I've bought things since then, so I don't know for sure. She says "don't lie to me, lying serves you no purpose here". I insisted 'I wasn't lying'. Am I suddenly lying if I'm not sure exactly how much money I have in my account to the fucking cent? Anyway, it went on for 20 minutes, until she told me to sit down again and wait for 5 minutes.

...... 20 minutes later, and by this time I was furious but trying not to show it (I think I just appeared flustered and a little irritated), she called me back up and told me they don't know if I'll be allowed in the US, and if I am, 5 months may be too long to stay and it may have to be limited to a shorter time. She had another conversation with me, about 30 minutes, in which I had to raise my hand and 'swear under oath' that I'd tell her the truth. Then she proceeded to type out everything I said, word for word. She printed the papers out in the end and got me to sign them. But I actually read the dialog, and she hadn't typed what I'd said exactly. In some cases, she got some key information wrong, so I had to correct her and she had to reprint it. Then, the guy border official in the booth beside me asks me if I've ever been arrested. I haven't. He then proceeds to take my fingerprints. Not just one, but each of my 10 digits individually as well as both hands had to go in a machine that didn't even work half the time. This probably took about 10 minutes. I wasn't given a choice in the matter. He didn't ask "do you (a Canadian) agree to have your fingerprints taken so that the USA can keep them in its records?" No, he just told me to put my hand on the thing.

After that, she made me wait again, she told me to relax and said she'll just be another 5-10 minutes while she discusses me with her superior. So I waited again... By this time, the average person sent to that back room would have been in and out 3 times in the time I'd been there for. I noticed while waiting that other people were getting through without a hassle. Families were brought back there with little kids, and they were treated well, the border officer just told them "okay hold on guys, I won't keep you here long, just a few questions and I'll get you out of here in a couple minutes!" It pissed me the fuck off.

So this 5-10 minute wait took about 25 minutes, and then she called me back and told me they will NOT allow me to enter the USA today. I am allowed, however, if I bring 'proof' that I have Canadian attachments, that I'm not planning to stay in the US forever or something. It was a blow to hear but I'd been half expecting it already. I suppose it could have been worse, they could have forbade me from the country for a number of years, but they're letting me cross at any time as long as I have certain proofs of my ties to Canada. That's as optimistic as I'm getting. I don't have a driver's license, which I'm going to get now. I need notes from my parents that they'll support me if something happens, and proof that they earn a suitable income, and proof that my bank account has money in it, and anything else I can come up with. Then, I can book another flight, go through all that shit again and hope that they let me in. I was then escorted out through a series of rooms by another officer. We went through doors I wasn't paying attention to at all because my mind was not working at this time, and at one point we went backwards through a big lineup of people, all of them staring at me and wondering what I'd done to be sent back with an escort, I heard a couple comments. I finally got out, found the information center, and the woman there was extremely nice relatively. By the way she and the people at the airline counter afterward were treating me, asking me if I need coffee, asking if I"ll be okay, I must have looked like absolute distressed shit, which is what I felt like. Someone at the airline place asked "and they JUST let you out?" so I take it it's rare what happened.

Anyway, I'm pissed off, and I'm sure my typing is terrible since I haven't gotten much sleep and I'm so upset. I haven't slept in 27 hours and the last night I slept I got only 6 hours of sleep. I have a terrible headache, I feel nauseous, I don't feel like sleeping at all, I feel too worked up and pissed off to sleep. I can't imagine I'll ever be able to sleep. So now I'm going to get my driver's license.... get all the shit I need and book another flight, and hope they let me in. I know little about government and policies and law but there definitely seems like there's something VERY VERY WRONG with the way customs officers treat people. It's like the pain that they cause is so bad that it isn't even worth whatever they accomplish by being such assholes.
I still haven't called my boyfriend. His flight should be getting into Chicago in a few minutes, and hopefully he has his phone. Hopefully he didn't do anything stupid and just went on the plane.

I didn't think the custom's line would be the last time I'd see him for who knows how long. We didn't even say bye. It was more like, we each went to a customs desk, didn't even bother to make eye contact or anything because we thought we'd meet on the other side in less than a minute. And that was the last time I saw him.... Leaving for the airport, packing, etc. was scary, but at least I was with him, and that made it okay. We were going to spend the next 5 months together, we'd somehow managed to do that and it was awesome. We've been living here for 4 months, spending almost all our time with one another, and now suddenly he's not here, and this room is fucking empty because I thought I'd be gone, and I have to put sheets on my mattress again... and FUCK.... I'm almost gonna cry so I have to stop typing. Sorry if I sound like anything annoying, this is the worst day I've ever had. I thought I was upset the day I found out I didn't get into the university I applied to, fuck, need to call him now.

Yes i know customs now are unbelievable and also tells you NWO is alive and well, stalling you whenever you go either to Canada or USA, i had a slight problem going to USA, Detroit before passports were mandatory for border crossing as ID. And i never ever went to USA it was my first time.

That sounds absolutely horrible, Dianeva. It's not right how they sometimes treat people. I hope you got to talk to your man.

Back to the weed...

I just think it's completely ridiculous that I could legally get wasted on alcohol around my children and it wouldn't be a problem so long as they weren't hurt or being neglected.

On the other hand, if I dare smoke a joint when the tykes go to bed at night, I face the possibility of going to prison and/or having my children taken away from me.

How in the world do people here not see the difference between alcohol and weed. I'm not saying that I don't partake in alcoholic beverages, but I would much rather be high than even slightly tipsy around my children. :/

Yet, because I support the legalization of marijuana, I must be a bad mother.

The fact that you're willing to use critical thinking to make decisions means your children will also use critical thinking, meaning they stand a chance at being happy rather than falling into social norms, meaning you are most likely a very good mother.

Huge Dianeva. What a royal nightmare!

My rant today is that I woke up with a headache. And I slept like crap last night. I was so frozen this morning I couldn't make myself completely wake up and get out of bed lol
I also forgot to put a new 2 liter in the fridge so the one I'm drinking now is almost completely flat and gross. I waste so much soda it's ridiculous. But I've been filling up the bottles with water and storing them for emergencies. I just need to find an eye dropper to add a bit of bleach. I go through 2 bottles a week, so we've got quite a stash already lol.

My pdoc appointment went great as always. He told me that sometimes people fantasize about stuff that they're afraid of and would never want to happen in life. But how can I be afraid of something that never happened (like, what if the father of my friend when I was 12 hadn't just copped a feel. What if he had raped me. It never happened but it's one of my dark thoughts. How can I fear it? I'm almost 40 years old lol So, I still think I'm just a demented pervert

Still wanting to SI and my mood has been really weird. Sort of dark/depressed. I think it's just because I added Wellbutrin and I have to wait a week or 2 for it to regulate. I keep telling myself that's what it is so I'll be kinder to myself. But SI is another sort of "kindness" at times. It's so much easier to give in to the need. But I've not been

I need to clean my bedroom. It's been a couple weeks at least and I dumped a box looking for something so I have a pile of odds and ends at the foot of my bed. The dog decided to sleep on it all, but then scattered everything I'm just not motivated to go through it all. I still need to try to rearrange everything. I need to finish removing the carpet and finish painting the floor. But blah. I just can't be bothered.
I need to check my Farmville farms. All of my crops are dead because I've been ignoring it. I can't be bothered to even check that lol.
All I do is watch Hulu and crochet. And some WoW but it's been putting me to sleep.

As an interesting aside, I tried praying last night. It was as I was trying to fall asleep. My prayers have always been rather informal- just talking about my day, my problems, my wants. At one point in time my thoughts jarred me when I thought: "It's too crowded in here." hehee. I had fallen asleep while praying and dreamed I was in a store crammed full of people and carts

I want to never have to leave my room. I finally measured it with a tape measure the other day. It's 12 feet long by 10 feet wide. I want to clean and reorganize everything so I can ask hubby to get me a TV, a game system and a small fridge (not all at once or anything. I'll just tell him it's on a wish list.) I was thinking of all of that before I was praying and thought about how crammed my room would be lol

Hope everyone is well today.

Weeks ago,about 3 weeks, my husband comes to me saying, "I lost the ring." and my expression is.. and i tell myself, how ironic, i took my own ring off after 4 years and be done with his stupid ways when he's drunk, now he cooled off drinking once i took my ring off 3 months ago, still not wearing it, so fate tells me we are not meant to be now that his ring is lost!(wasn't expensive anyways).
He used to joke around before i even took mine off, and he would take it off and say "I want a divorce." like who the fuck jokes on that? Now God is onto you my friend.
Oh, ya, i am not getting another ring for him! Fuck that, learn your ways dude. So the ring was a bit loose for 4years and decided to just come off his finger without him noticing? and yes his excuse was "It was too loose, so it fell off without me knowing it."

I really love getting drunk. I'm starting to suspect that might be ideal.

People in my life appear pretty dead set on killing my respect for them.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

long ass post

fuck the police hop the border

AAAAAAAAAHHHHH life has so many twist and turns. It seems god loves to throw me curve balls and keep me on my feet. Should i be thankful? Umm well i hope karma works in my favor soon. My luck has been in the shitter in the past week!

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Spoiler for Dianeva's scary ordeal:

I have never been as upset as I am right now, and never in more need of venting.

U.S. Border Patrol. Holy fucking shit. I was supposed to be on a plane right now, sitting next to my significant other. We spent all night packing, we've been planning to leave for a month, to stay in Wisconsin for 5 months.

When my boyfriend was coming to stay here in Canada with me 4 months ago, he had a bad experience with the Canadian border officers. He didn't have a return flight booked, even though he was planning to return, so they suspected he planned to stay here forever. I was waiting to pick him up, and about an hour and a half after his flight was supposed to arrive, I got called to a room in which I was questioned for about half an hour. He'd been questioned for an hour, then had to wait while they questioned me, until finally they determined he was okay and let him through. I thought THAT was a stressful experience, felt so sorry for him.

So 4 hours ago, we were in the US Custom's line. We'd just passed through 5 previous levels of line-ups for boarding passes, baggage, metal detectors, etc. and were exhausted, and this was to be the last one. I was assuring him that nothing would go wrong; I've never had a problem at these things, just answer 3-4 questions like "where are you going?" "how long are you going for", etc., be direct and honest and then they let you pass. We were sent to different booths.... okay, I'm going into too much detail, I don't even feel like typing this much. The guy sent me to a back room with all these waiting chairs and about 8 booths, and told me to sit and wait, they're just going to ask me a few more questions. There were a few other people waiting. Although there were several booths, only 1-2 at a time were occupied by officers questioning people. So I waited....

The flight leaves at 6:15, usually boarding time is 20-30 minutes before that.

...5:20 *a little annoyed and scared because those people are scary and my boyfriend doesn't know where I am*
...5:30 Another woman waiting was afraid she'd miss her flight, so she asked one of the guards how long it would take because she's in a rush, and the woman responds "You may be in a rush, but we're not in a rush." *Fucking asshole bitch*
...5:40 *okay they need to talk to me and let me through very soon or I'm going to miss the flight*
...5:55 *Fuck I'm going to miss the flight... maybe if they talked to me right now and it was over quickly..... and then I ran to the boarding gate, I could make it...*
...6:10 *Extremely pissed off, I have missed the flight for sure now unless it's extremely delayed, wondering where my boyfriend was, if he'd gone back or boarded the plane, knowing it must be horrible for him not to know what happened to me*

At 6:15 I was finally called to a desk with a *nice on the surface* woman who questioned me for about 20 minutes about where I was going, etc. At one point she asked me how much money I have in my bank account. I gave her an estimate, she asked 'are you sure?' and I said it was that last time I checked, but I've bought things since then, so I don't know for sure. She says "don't lie to me, lying serves you no purpose here". I insisted 'I wasn't lying'. Am I suddenly lying if I'm not sure exactly how much money I have in my account to the fucking cent? Anyway, it went on for 20 minutes. She took all the baggage I'd checked and went through it all. She read receipts, etc. Took out a box of pads on the counter where everyone could see.... all this while I'm just acting like I'm fine and everything's fine. She told me to sit down again and wait for 5 minutes.

...... 20 minutes later, and by this time I was furious but trying not to show it (I think I just appeared flustered and a little irritated), she called me back up and told me they don't know if I'll be allowed in the US, and if I am, 5 months may be too long to stay and it may have to be limited to a shorter time. She had another conversation with me, about 30 minutes, in which I had to raise my hand and 'swear under oath' that I'd tell her the truth. Then she proceeded to type out everything I said, word for word. She printed the papers out in the end and got me to sign them. But I actually read the dialog, and she hadn't typed what I'd said exactly. In some cases, she got some key information wrong, so I had to correct her and she had to reprint it. Then, the guy border official in the booth beside me asks me if I've ever been arrested. I haven't. He then proceeds to take my fingerprints. Not just one, but each of my 10 digits individually as well as both hands had to go in a machine that didn't even work half the time. This probably took about 10 minutes. I wasn't given a choice in the matter. He didn't ask "do you (a Canadian) agree to have your fingerprints taken so that the USA can keep them in its records?" No, he just told me to put my hand on the thing.

After that, she made me wait again, she told me to relax and said she'll just be another 5-10 minutes while she discusses me with her superior. So I waited again... By this time, the average person sent to that back room would have been in and out 3 times in the time I'd been there for. I noticed while waiting that other people were getting through without a hassle. Families were brought back there with little kids, and they were treated well, the border officer just told them "okay hold on guys, I won't keep you here long, just a few questions and I'll get you out of here in a couple minutes!" It pissed me the fuck off.

So this 5-10 minute wait took about 25 minutes, and then she called me back and told me they will NOT allow me to enter the USA today. I am allowed, however, if I bring 'proof' that I have Canadian attachments, that I'm not planning to stay in the US forever or something. It was a blow to hear but I'd been half expecting it already. I suppose it could have been worse, they could have forbade me from the country for a number of years, but they're letting me cross at any time as long as I have certain proofs of my ties to Canada. That's as optimistic as I'm getting. I don't have a driver's license, which I'm going to get now. I need notes from my parents that they'll support me if something happens, and proof that they earn a suitable income, and proof that my bank account has money in it, and anything else I can come up with. Then, I can book another flight, go through all that shit again and hope that they let me in. I was then escorted out through a series of rooms by another officer. We went through doors I wasn't paying attention to at all because my mind was not working at this time, and at one point we went backwards through a big lineup of people, all of them staring at me and wondering what I'd done to be sent back with an escort, I heard a couple comments. I finally got out, found the information center, and the woman there was extremely nice relatively. By the way she and the people at the airline counter afterward were treating me, asking me if I need coffee, asking if I"ll be okay, I must have looked like absolute distressed shit, which is what I felt like. Someone at the airline place asked "and they JUST let you out?" so I take it it's rare what happened.

Anyway, I'm pissed off, and I'm sure my typing is terrible since I haven't gotten much sleep and I'm so upset. I haven't slept in 27 hours and the last night I slept I got only 6 hours of sleep because I had to write a test. I have a terrible headache, I feel nauseous, I don't feel like sleeping at all, I feel too worked up and pissed off to sleep. I can't imagine I'll ever be able to sleep. So now I'm going to get my driver's license.... get all the shit I need and book another flight, and hope they let me in. I know little about government and policies and law but there definitely seems like there's something VERY VERY WRONG with the way customs officers treat people. It's like the pain that they cause is so bad that it isn't even worth whatever they accomplish by being such assholes.
I still haven't called my boyfriend. His flight should be getting into Chicago in a few minutes, and hopefully he has his phone. Hopefully he didn't do anything stupid and just went on the plane.

I didn't think the custom's line would be the last time I'd see him for who knows how long. We didn't even say bye. It was more like, we each went to a customs desk, didn't even bother to make eye contact or anything because we thought we'd meet on the other side in less than a minute. And that was the last time I saw him.... Leaving for the airport, packing, etc. was scary, but at least I was with him, and that made it okay. We were going to spend the next 5 months together, we'd somehow managed to do that and it was awesome. We've been living here for 4 months, spending almost all our time with one another, and now suddenly he's not here, and this room is fucking empty because I thought I'd be gone, and I have to put sheets on my mattress again... and FUCK.... I'm almost gonna cry so I have to stop typing. Sorry if I sound like anything annoying, this is the worst day I've ever had. I thought I was upset the day I found out I didn't get into the university I applied to, fuck, need to call him now.

That really is an awful experience!

Being a young single female they are profiling you and your boyfriend. It's possible some stupid officer, sitting in a room with monitors, was watching you and your boyfriend talk in line on CCTV and decided to flag you both as possible issues. It really is unfair and paranoid.

I do hope you get to be together again soon! *hugs*

I want to know when Americans are going to take a stand against the TSA.
That same thing has happened many times before, there's even video of it.

They literally have not stopped a single case of terrorism (terrorism also isn't a threat and all security is pointless anyway).
It is set up to make money. That's all. The American government hands them tonnes of money to abuse people. It's fucking sick.