Dthoughts

I don't know where to start, heh. Tiny little bit of sleep deprivation cus of skipping a night earlier but i did take some rest last night i just felt i wasn't fully rested but i didn't feel like sleeping i had plenty and enough energy for the day. Slept at around 3-4 AM.

Took around 60mg~ Ketamine and lied down meditating on body warmth. I skipped it because at first I got a weird scary audial hallucination. A bit later I kept sinking in my bed and I got an electric pulse in my hips that was so strong that my hip jolted upwards. Quite painful. I stopped trying and went outside and decided to sleep later.

@ sleep I had nightmares for 2.5 hours. In the sense that these dreams had a force that overruled my own. I was suprisingly lucid and I was able to take control but it took about 30 minutes each time for me to overcome it. The nightmares involved somewhat of an inability to use my voice and a "Demon" or presence of sorts that kind of manhandled me. It felt a lot like sleep paralysis in the dream. It took a lot of force to find my force but I found that being able to finally use a voice could abolish the nightmare. I can't remember much details except having (someone who was sleeping over, a friend) lay behind me in bed while I was paralysed and sort of strangled me. Not literally but I felt strangled on my entire body. I kept waking up falsely.

I woke up falsely went to (I live with "guardians" you know professional psychiatrists.. I really don't need them at all though, Never really did) these guys for help with what I was experiencing (this strangling nightmare).. There where 3 people sitting there. One of them looked like a typical psychiatrist in an armchair. He came across as... well... not very nice. As I think of most psychiatrists. He talked about a similar "patient" which he said had similar symptons to me. Who was in a hallucinatory state and delusional and said he thought he was a pink rabbit or something. He ended up concluding that this patient was not human and he refused to help him. It pissed me off that he said he was not human and I looked him in the eyes and told him that.. I felt like I dominated the conversation and got my point across then I woke up. Falsely, I believe. But I thought it was real and still saw him. I felt like he was really somewhere and I was still communcating with him in a sense.

I dreamed again. Got strangled. Got to use my voice and felt free. I walked around me room, thought of going behind the PC but said no. I am dreaming I am flying out. I fly out the appartment building and as I looked behind the appartment complex was different. Like I ended up in a parallel universe, my flat was still witnessed but way in the back there where new buildings in front of it and I end up with a bunch of student-looking very handsome fellas. Messing around with each other. Having conversations. What suprised and fascinated me was the fact that it was hyperintelligent. More intelligent than ur average human, more playful than ur average student. And suprisingly heartwarming. I could really appreciate this. I had no body and felt like they where not aware of my presence. I followed them into a house. There was a woman there. And she talked to me and I asked her if she knew who I was. She said Heck no, and it was like she was just used to talking to strangers about personal things. Then I looked at her and she started shaking in her throat sort of like epilsepsy. I thought it was my fould because normally I get these symptons while in altered state and felt like they where channeling out to her. I thought having sex with her right there would clear things up. A voice guided me and said I could do whatever I want and have sex in whichever way I want and that she would enjoy it anyway, of the sorts. I definetely felt a tantric presence. We had sex on the bed but the sex felt.. Well... I had no body. So it was different. More like pure tantric energy. Anyway, I believe it relieved some of the symptons. I came. In a false awakening. Which is fucked up, I didn't want to lose the dream. Then my friend who was sleeping over began shouting about this dream he had but I was in intense pain. This orgasm became very painful. And persisted. Probably because (un)consciously I didn't want this orgasm at all. I coulden't use my voice again because I was strangled but I told him to shut up. As he got angry I told him that I would smack the living shit out of him. He got pissed but I was paralysed so i coulden't do shit. I got fearful as he approahed my room with a 16kg weight ready to smash my head in and i coulden't protect myself. I partly begged and partly commanded him to drop the weapon. Which he did as the dream ended. The fear never materialized... So and so.. I had a very wet orgasm. In the false awakening (thought it was real) and woke up... I was like.. Oh wait a minute!!! Felt my pants and as I expected. There was absolutely nothing there.. Fascinating. I decided to wake up for a minute and not go for another run before I recall all the moments of this night. Something of this dream in the way it transpired leads me to conclude that all the people in my dream are/where actually non-human entities perceived as humans by my brain/mind-filter. It was fascinating how lively and vibrant everything was. And teh fact that I was basically being in multiple dreams within dreams all the time. Glad I wrote this down. I feel like the voice technique is a genuine AP technique. And that Sleep Paralysis is the scariest shit that can probably happen to a person. But also teh best way to travel out of body.