side notes

I was laying in a hospital bed. Took me a minute to realize that I was in labor. I was kind of freaking out and T was standing beside me as we were waiting on the Doctor M. I told T that I didn't understand, because I hadn't been to a check up in quite a few months, not to mention, we hadn't even had an ultrasound. We didn't know what it was going to be. He said we hadn't been in because we ran out of insurance. =/

I mentioned to T that I didn't think I was in labor just yet, and that we should wait. Then I realized that my lower back had been aching all day, and said maybe it was going to happen soon. Then doctor came in and delivered my baby. It was a boy. I don't even remember it happening, but I saw him laying in a crib next to my son, W. I didn't even notice that I hadn't named him yet.

The doctor gave me the bill which was so ridiculously high, it was about 1500. Probably more than that IWL. I was upset about it and was trying to figure out how to get some deductions. There was a nurse and my doctor standing in the hall and smoking cigarettes. =/

Can't remember anymore than that.

I was fighting, as usual, with T and my oldest sister for some reason. I can hardly remember anything except me telling my sis, D, to punch me in the arm as hard as she could and she did and I made some joke afterwards, trying to mend the tension. It didn't seem to work.

I do remember saying something to T, like I was tired of it, and if I leave and he doesn't stop me, then I will be gone for good.

Okay, I did pretty good today. The first time I woke up I remember I was in my in-laws basement. I was talking to my brother-in-law about ping pong balls or something. (we had been playing beer pong last night over there, so... yea.)

Then I went back to sleep and had a few dreams that I cannot seem to put in order at the moment. I remember I had traveled somewhere, Florida, I think. I was thinking of picking someone up that was there, well, that I thought was there. Then I told someone I was heading to Canada to hang out with someone. I think I was talking about the member and a very good friend, Seroquel. =)

Anyway, I had also been with a bunch of people in this house that seemed to be in a woodsy-type area. I remember my husband standing across from me and I was wearing my swimsuit and dancing. One of his friends had come up beside me and had his hands on my hips and I kept dancing. It pissed T off pretty bad and he called me a name and told me to leave. I got upset and tried to hold him. I didn't mean anything by it, I was just dancing, those were my thoughts. He didn't want me, and I threw a few punches at him for some reason. Then I went to leave.

Well, my brain doesn't seem to remember more, it might flash at me later, because I know I probably do know more. OH well, I'm happy to have remembered something.

P.S.
Just edititing because I remembered another part. Yay.

I was driving in my car with my son in the backseat. We were heading to Island Park. I got there and was excited to go play with him. I was getting ready to get him out of the car when I realized the weather had went from nice and sunny to a bit cloudy and chilly, like it was going to storm. I was disappointed and got back into the car to leave.

I remembered a dream today, finally, but then I lost it. =/

Now I hardly remember anything, something about a penny. I know it was a vivid dream and I wish I could remember so bad...

I don't know what the deal is, I cannot for the life of me remember any dreams from the past few days. I get at least 5-6 hours a night, which has always been the norm for me. I take notes when I wake up so that I don't forget it, but lately I cannot even do that. I always say to myself each night, remember your dreams, let them be vivid.

It's really making me sad because I used to always remember them. Now that I can't, I feel like something is missing, it's weird. I enjoy recalling and I used to be soooo good at it.

It's just as of late, I seem to forget a lot of stuff, it's like my mind just blanks anything I want to remember out, even simple things. My memory has never been this bad. Yes, I smoke pot, but I've been smoking for years. I plan on trying not to at least right before bed anymore.

Anyway, I have been a little stressed lately, how do I fix this problem??? I get up at 7:30 almost every morning, even when I don't have to work because of my son. I've tried relaxing, it's like there's nothing I can do about the stress in my life. I feel like that's part of the problem, a major part.

Any suggestions would be awesome, please and thank you.
Maybe I should've made this a thread.

Hate to waste a good dream entry...

I was in a gym with a bunch of others with basketballs. I told them we should play knock-out.

I probably wouldn't have even remembered this if a coworker hadn't mentioned playing a little bball. I hate not remembering my dreams. Stupid jobs.

I mean, does America really need double stack burgers and "sea-salt natural cut" fries ?
I could be dreaming.

and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to save it.

My reality resides in my dreams...
and this is the nightmare I wake up to.

Lucid.

I guess you would call this WBTB. I was trying to call asleep consciously and it kind of worked, my husband almost interuppted me because he came out into the living room to get something, but he said something and I'm pretty sure it was real. I was in the middle of transitioning into a dream. He walked off and as he was walking down the hallway all I could see was darkness but I felt different, felt like I was hovering.

I knew it was the beginning but I couldn't get anything to really form, I did for a minute and I instantly started rubbing my hands together and I shouted clarity for the first time in a dream. It faded though, I don't understand this. I almost lost it and woke up but at the last second I decided to sit there and wait in the dark and that's when I was suddenly in my house. I can't remember much, but I got up from the couch and I think I said something to the dream, like be vivid, lol, since clarity hadn't worked. It seemed to work. I went to the door and turned the knob, it came open, much to my surprise and I shut it behind me as I stepped onto the porch. Then I jumped back like Spiderman to give myself a boost off the door and started to float, but I ended up grabbing onto my house and climbing on top. I knew the roof would only be hot if I let it, and for a second I was trying to feel it's warmth. I got up on the house and woke up. The whole time outside was very vivid and the sky was a dark yellow, but very vivid. The sky as I approached the roof was different somehow, I just don't remember why it was.

Ok, so after this lucid, I had a dream. Kind of a nightmare for me.

I can't remember every detail... but I was called into work at McDonalds, where I used to work while I was prego. I quit though and now I work at Wendys, anyways, I was working both jobs I guess, and this was my first day back at McDonalds. The manager was talking to me like she wanted me to come back for good, but I told her I could only work Thursdays and Fridays (The two days I don't work at Wendy's.) I had driven a moped to work, and I do remember doing this and leaving T at home, but when I got to work I wondered why I didn't just take the car. This is when some weirdness happened. I kept flashing back from being home to being online to being at work, all the while, having a huge fight with T because he wanted to sleep with other girls. I was very emotional in this dream.

There was a moment when I was at home and sitting on the couch scraping up a bowl of coke, cocaine. (I've never done this in RL.) T was talking while I was doing it, telling me he was going to this town and fuck some girl named Tex. He wasn't breaking up with me, he just wanted to fuck someone else. I was so pissed I picked up the bowl of coke and I had been putting baking soda in it, for some reason, anyways, I picked it up and slammed it right into his face. He couldn't believe it and I felt so bad, started apologizing, then I told him he needed to flush his eyes out with water, this worried him, he got up immediately to do this. We both went to the sink and were flushing our eyes with water.

After this, the girl showed up and was walking around and talking to T about all the things they were going to do together, while I was there. At many points, I told T I was leaving and he went into the bathroom and started throwing out my make-up. I followed him into the bathroom and not even a second after he'd walked in the entire bathroom sink was clean and glistening. I told him I WAS going to clean that eventually and he just scoffed.

There were these video tapes that this girl had brought with her, and she had rented them, hoping T and her would watch them together. I decided to hide them after debating on whether I should destroy them. I started hiding them around the house right before they walked in the door. They were talking about this place they were going to go. This is all I remember about this part.

Way on earlier in the dream, I was at my house, which was also a store called Third Planet (actually exists.) My friend J shows up to sell some clothes, he seemed hesitant when I answered, I was like come on in, and I finishing a cig. He comes in and sits down on the couch. Just then I see a mouse run from the closet door. I freak out and tell them and two of the guys that were hanging out, K was one of them, was going to kill it. I told him if he killed it I would beat his ass, told him to let him outside. He went over to the mouse and almost smashed it, but I stopped him and then he opened the closet door and there were three more mice, I started to scream. (Mice in real life don't scare me, Idk.)

Well, wish I could've remembered all my dreams from last night, but I just took this nap and this is all I could remember.
From last night, I keep getting deja vu though about the dream, just these feelings from it keep popping up like flashbacks and fading real quick before I get a glimpse of anything tangible I can actually write down. I just keep thinking about this Tall man.

I feel like a failure. Haven't been writing anything down and lose the dream by afternoon. I did go lay down for an hour earlier to practice getting my body into SP. I didn't get far, I think I had just fallen asleep and then I had a small dream.

I thought I was awake, because I was laying in my bed and my husband had just come in and put Mia, my sister's dog, in the bedroom and shut the door. I got up, because I wanted to know why Mia was here (I had just seen my sister and Mia yesterday.) I got up and let Mia out of the bedroom and went into the living room with her. I didn't see my husband, but everything was gone in the living room, like picked up. My first thought was wow, he's cleaning. I started thinking about Mia again and wondering if my sister had forgotten her here. Then I woke up in my bed about 5 minutes before my alarm would've went off.

Might have had the potential of becoming lucid if I hadn't woken up. I think I knew it was a dream but just woke up to make sure instead of doing an RC. >.<

Had several dreams last night but way too much going on to remember more than this.

There were a few people over at my house that I had never met before. One of the guys offered me a vial of LSD. It had weird floating blobs in it. He said I could trip for free and I told him I couldn't cause my kid was home. He said I didn't have to take much to trip and it wouldn't last as long. So I drank a bit of it and had some of the blobs in my mouth, I went ahead and chewed them up. Then he went and offered my husband some and he was going to take it. I told him he probably shouldn't just in case something happens with our son. He said he'd be fine and he took some too. I started tripping within half an hour apparently, at least that's what I exclaimed to a girl who wanted to take some. It kicked in fast, and I remember sitting on the couch, talking to two guys. It really felt as though I had taken acid, because the conversation was so simple and so funny. I just started giggling like crazy and I told them I had no idea what was going on right now, with the conversation. I started to see colors vibrate my vision and then they would disappear. My son was in his crib sleeping and I was staring at him when I realized I wasn't tripping anymore.

Just a fragment. There was a whole story to it. Slacking on my dream journal. =/

I have no idea what's up with the blobs...

I had incredibly vivid dreams last night, but I had to work so I only took a few notes and I know I'm missing part of it. =(

I was looking through an old composition notebook of mine and found sketches that were really amazing. One of them had a park bench sitting overlooking a river. The water was in such good detail that could almost see it flowing (should've done a RC.) It was in a sort of 3D style. I was amazed that I had drawn something so good. I was about to show someone when I realized that my friend, A, had used my notebook at one time. She's an artist, so I assumed she did them, which made more sense. I was a little disappointed.

The same dream, just later on. I was at a house I used to live in a long time ago, a doublewide, but it was where my home is now. I was talking to this girl when I realized that she was my new sister. We were standing in front of the bathroom mirror discussing make-up. She was pointing to the eyeshadows that were hers, then she said I could use them but just to ask. That's when I told her that I really liked the eyeshadow she got for me. She asked me which colors they were, and I started describing the same exact eyeshadow that I wear in waking life. I named off the colors, slowly as I tried to remember what they were. Purple, orange, yellow, and a maroon color. When I woke up I was surprised to have remembered something like this from my waking life. Was I semi-lucid, maybe? (BTW this is the part I was forgetting.) After the eyeshadow thing, it made me want to start getting ready for school. I looked at the clock and it was 12:55am. I was debating on whether I should sleep or stay up and do my make-up early.

Then I noticed that some people from my work were at the house. M is fighting with her boyfriend, K, and is being pretty aggressive. I tell them I need a bag of weed and he's going to help me. We go outside and he's still acting violent. He tells me that he has to go to R to get the pot and that I have to go with him. Before I could say ok, we're zooming off in his car towards this field that is next to my house. I'm not in the car, I'm like hanging on to the window or maybe in some kind of side seat, but totally not in the car. He's going way too fast to make the turn, I realized, and we drive straight into the field going at an incredibly high speed. I could feel the woosh and see everything in a blur. Then as he gets dangerously close to this house he starts to do a 180 in an insane wide turn. I'm so scared by this point and wake up before we make it. I remember thinking the car was going to flip.

So, been a little distracted lately and haven't been focused on my dreams. I've been wanting to type up a very memorable dream I had about a year ago, so here it is.

I was in the ocean swimming towards land with a bunch of killer whales and dolphins. I was sort of riding with one of the whales but on his belly-side. I don't remember hanging on to him but it was kind of like he had his own gravity (not a fat joke, mr. whale guide.) Anyway, he and all the rest of the animals were splashing in and out of the water working towards land. He kept getting higher and higher out of the water and coming down even harder each time, sinking. I can recall being in the water looking to my right to see a line of dolphins doing the same thing. And when we were in the air I could see a city getting closer and closer. So I lost the whale once, he landed in the water and I sunk away from him and got scared thinking there were going to be sharks. Sure enough, a massive hammerhead appeared but he wasn't attacking me, he was leading me back to the whale. And the whale had waited for me. Then we continued on. What I felt in the dream, trying to figure out why they were doing this, I noticed the waves that they were making were going to wipe out the city, and that THAT was their intention.

When I woke up I started thinking about the song Aenima by Tool. Anyways, this was a non-lucid, but amazing.

Smoked quite a bit of weed before bed, so I have no illusions about why I woke up not remembering much of my dream.

I remember being in a subway I think and this guy was asking me how to he was supposed to do his job. I told him and then I said that he should know his job and that I was just a customer.

I was with a friend when I realized I had to be in class in 30 minutes so I started heading that way....

There was a storm at one point.... my subconscious is really trying to get me.

All fragments of the same dream...

Playing video games with my sister at my moms.
Someone broke into my jeep (I actually have a neon) and they tore the leather seats off and I was very pissed off cause it was only a block away from my house. I regretted leaving it there aloud.
Little kids were playing on the street and I talked to one of them, they were amusing me.
Some lady has this lair where she kept people she wanted to kill and I was in it but just touring, I guess. I hated it so much, it was very gruesome, people were stuck in these bath tubs and being held dow by these machine spider things while a saw hovered over them ready to chop them to pieces....

oh oh oh, there was a storm at one point but I think my mother distracted me from noticing this.
Annnnd, mom's been in my dreams a lot lately...

What I'm talking about isn't a dream I had. It's an entry from my daily journal that, I guess, I really want to share. I didn't want to make it a thread, because it sort of is like a dream. I dream that one day we may understand eachother. I hope it makes sense, because really that is the point. It's actually something I shouldn't have to feel upset about. I feel it's like common sense, but that isn't alway so common either.So, feel free to comment. I'd love to hear some opinions, otherwise, enjoy my rant.

Quite honestly, I don't think I want to marry someone who doesn't understand, not for lack of the ability, but just because this person does not want to understand anything. Obviously, this person doesn't know how to communicate or what it is, maybe. How can you communicate with someone without understanding? You can't. They both need each other to exist. Someone explains something, whether it be knowledge or feelings, and the other person, first, acknowledges what that person has to say, then trys to understand, empathize, sympathize with those ideas and this leads to understanding. Why wouldn't one try to relate to another? Especially someone that is close to that person. I know that there are exceptions. That there are things that aren't worth understanding, and things that are impossible to understand, and things that aren't meant to be understood. But isn't it human nature to try, at least. Maybe it's not important to some people. Okay, I get that. But maybe they just don't know how important it is to be able to communicate and relate to others. Without communication, where would we be? Probably some place much darker and just worse than it already is. Everything starts with communication.

Okay, tried to take a nap again today with my son. The reverse blinking is working for me, I'm not even sure if I'm doing it the way that was suggested. What happend to me was well for one, it made my eyes feel tired and heavy, which helped me focus on laying still. I've noticed that if I lay still ,without moving, for at least 5 minutes, I will start to feel pinpricks and just strange sensations of something crawling on me. If I don't react to these and sit through them, I slowly feel my body falling asleep and start to get the imagery.

I had another vision but I think it was starting to become a dream. It was of T and it was as if he had already come home from work and was talking to me about something very excitedly. I know I wasn't fully asleep because, like before (2 or 3 entries ago,) I could still hear the hum of my air purifier and the TV. But I had a mental image of T talking to me.

I think I'm on to something that works for me. =) Very excited.