The Nomad Chronicles

I leap out of my body.

I snarl and morph into my Juargawn form.



OMG EPIC FUCK YES!

I turn inteo Devil Pan, and smash the ground with my hoof, causing an earthquake.



I LOL and prance about, spraypainting LOL in the sky with clouds.

I open a portal, and my ship forms around me.

We have a little wormhole battle with some bugs, and burn them off by engulfing the ship in flame. fuck yes.
everything is badass. everything is epic. goddammit. i never want to wake up. i just want to live in this badass universe multiverse thingy because i know that it's real. LOL no it's not. wake up. in a dream. everything is a joke.

AI: I do not understand the command.

Me. L. O. L.

AI. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Me: very funny.

AI: Did I tell a joke.

Me: I think so.

AI: I am pleased.

Me: Interesting. Art thou sentient?

AI: Yes.

Me how old are you?

A: 5000 earth years, roughly.

Me: How old am I?

AI: 12,394.3 Earth Years, roughly

Me: fascinating.

AI: In your present bipedal soultype incarnation.

Me: Really?

AI: I thought you were supposed to know this.

Me: Maybe I forgot.

AI: No. It's the hypnotic virus.

Me: GODDAMNIT. YOU'RE RIGHT. HELP ME GET RID OF THIS SHIT. I CAN FEEL IT....

I vomit... I black out.

I wake up in the hospital floor in the Tower. I get dizzy and vomit again. I fall asleep... I am falling down a tunnel.. What the fuck? AM I GOING INSIDE MYSELF? HOLY SHIT?

I pray to Eris, Goddess of Chaos, tenth planet from the sun.
ERIS, GODDESS OF DISCORD AND CONFUSION, I CAST THIS GOLDEN APPLE AND SUMMON THEE!

I cast a golden apple into a nonagram, and grin madly.

I AM THE YEAST FROM THE YEAST. I AM THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER AND I AM GOD!

I morph into the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Eris appears rising out of the nonagram, looking mildly annoyed. She walks to me, and kisses my Noodly Appendage, turning me into Jack Sparrow.



We get married in Vegas really quick because we are drunk on power.

OMG ERIS IS SELENE. LOL

irgjht.. i knew it? I am so CONFUSED! BUT OWER IS SURGIN THRU ME LOL.

K I fly ot the moon. raven does healing on me.

she says i look crazed.

i tell her it's jus deep gnosis.

it's cool. it's a way of magic.

she looks a little concerned. she looks at Eris. who is this?

goddess of Chaos.

Nomad? WHat the fuck?

no, she's cool.she just tosses golden apples for lulz. kind of like a troll queen...

I summon Raven, MoSh, Eris, Selene, and Dragonwitch.
LISTEN WE ARE FUCKING MAGICIANS, OH YES. THIS SHIT IS REAL. WE ARE GOING TO DO THIS.
I MUST CONFESS
I'M CURSED AND BLESSED.
GOD IN THIS WORLD,
AND WRAITH IN THE NEXT.
I SUMMON FIVE TO MAKE US SIX
AND IN THIS HEX WE SUMMON US!

we go to the temple of gawn.

lucidi-tea party.

then we make a portal to the Dream Warrior Planet. I grab MoSh. he says he might not remember. I tell him don't worry about that right now. just remember this is a dream. he points his pinky at me. I laugh.

We go through.

We are now generals commanding massive armies as we simultaneously battle by astral projecting on the dream plane.

holy shit...

i just injected with dmt?

colors... omg...

back in the temple....

i am in the Temple Of Nothing. the great ziggurat on the green moon. I am vomiting.

My friend, Nate, looks like a white Anubis. he shows me a bowl of ayahuasca. "We drank this!"

HOLY SHIT.