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in a house

I am in a house, looking for a bathroom. Every time I find a toilet, there is some naked person sitting on it. Why don't they close the door? This happens three times. gross.

on a boat

I am working on a large sailboat in port. One of my co-workers is complaining about the challenge of doing laundry at sea. It's my old co-worker JB, with his big Texan accent.

"...and then your boots get funky!"

I am working in my garden on the edge of a forest near some plains and rolling hills right next to a river. I am a large orc with dark green skin. I am digging a trench with a pickaxe. "Pumpkins, potatoes, tomatoes, squash, and orcroots," I am saying to myself, planning out my sowing.
I stand up and stretch. The sun shows me it is now mid-morning. I take a deep breath. The pine smells lovely out here, like freedom, like peace, like solitude. I do feel lonely, though I prefer the company of the wild beasts to the company of my own kin.
I have a flashback to the smell I hate: the smell of burning flesh. I involuntarily recall a hellish memory of childhood, after a victorious battle against the Elves, many were brought back to our city as prisoners. They had been stripped of their clothes and beaten clubs and whipped. They forced the Elves into large hanging cages, then lit large fires under them, burning them to death.
After they all died, they removed the dead bodies, butchered them, then cut the pieces into small cubes which they dried and preserved with salt and sugar. I did not see the butchering or the preservation process, though I did unknowingly eat the elf-flesh as a child, as the elf-flesh cubes are given to all orc children as soon as we get our first teeth in. I remember the screams of the Elves as their hair would catch fire.
I shudder. I need more sun. I feel chill. I mount my horse, a large brown and white mare, and I ride out of the forest to the green rolling hills. I ride up one of the smaller hills, and rest on the slope in the sun.
I hear a rustling in the lone tree behind me, and a female orc falls out on to the ground. I am startled, especially because orcs generally dislike climbing. She looks weak and tries to stand, then says, "I was running..." then faints. I run to her and catch her. I give her a sip of pomegranate juice from my canteen, then, I put her on my horse, and we ride back to my cabin. She fades in and out of consciousness, murmuring about running.
We get back, and I take her in, and lay her down on my bed, then I heat up some medicinal tea. I give her some water, and she sits up, and opens her eyes.
She has green skin with light green spots. Her eyes are yellow, and her hair is brown. She says, "Thank you, stranger, I am running from an orc that wants to kill me, for I refused to marry him after he bought me on the stock market. He has been pursuing me for three months. I have about a two week lead in front of him, yet he still comes relentlessly. His name is Stonefist."
I nod.
"May I have some more juice, friend? I am hungry, yet I cannot eat for my stomach is too small from being in survival mode."
I give her more juice, then begin chopping vegetables for soup.
"What are you doing, sir?"
"I am making you vegetable soup."
"Just vegetables?"
"I eat no flesh. Not that of elves or beasts."
"Stonefist eats the flesh of orcs."
"What a vile orc."
"So, this is why you're here? You're a heretic, like me."
"I've been called such." I put the vegetables into a big pot of hot water, then stoke my fire.
"You're a kind orc. I trust you." She smiles, and goes back to sleep.
I return to working in the garden.
Over the next several days, I learn her name is Snowmaiden, and she begins to recover from thirst and hunger. She tells me Stonefist will arrive soon, alone, as he is a proud orc. Her father sold her to the stock market after she refused to eat the flesh of an elf he killed in battle. Stonefist bought her, and took her home, then she ran away, and has been running since.
I generally hate my own race, almost as much as I hate Elves, so I will have no problem killing the vile bastard on sight.

I rise up out of bed, floating in the air, and land standing on the floor. I am in my Lucid City apartment.
I stride to my computer terminal.
"Big Joey, give me the first Assassin quest."
"Assassinate a target of your choice, big guy."
I nod silently.
WinterFae stirs in the bed.
"Can I come with you, sweetie?"
"I've got to do this quest alone. I have ultra-mega spells and guardians from multiple dimensions protecting you while I'm gone, my love."
She nods with her eyes closed, and goes back to sleep.
I lie down on the floor, and astral project, searching for a certain most vile energy signature. I lock on to a golden thread mixed with tiny balls of dark energy within. The thread twist and squirms. This is the thread of a child molesting Catholic Priest in Urth York.
I open my eyes, and open a portal to Urth York City, and step through. I am on the streets of Urth York City. There are many strange races milling about, as in Lucid City. There is a certain church I am going to. Today is Sunday, and Soulkyst the Vampyre is going to church. I can smell the evil priest, I can smell his blood. He is about two miles away from me now.
I walk the streets until I get there. Every now and again I get an odd look for most Vampyres do not walk among mortals. I find a large cathedral, and enter. Some of my Vampyre kin have feared entering churches, and I laughed and told them both the god and the devil are lies.
I sit down before the service is about to start. I listen to the boring choir, and a priest enters the stage to give a sermon. There he is, my target. A disgusting fat bastard, he has shaved his fangs to flatten them, though I can tell he is of my race. He happens to make eye contact with me, and I nod and grin at him. He suddenly begins to sweat and wipe his brow.
I can see his pustules on his horrid face pulsating with his increase heart rate. His heart, which will soon be silenced.
I go up for Communion, and when he hands me the goblet, I look up at him, and shoot a dark energy tracker, the size of a dime out of my third eye, and it hits him in the side of his face. He swats at it like a fly, then it burrows into his flesh and disappears. He coughs, then continues the ceremony. After the service is over. I go to a hotel next door, and get a posh room fitting of an immortal.
From the hotel room, I astral project to find the priest. He is now changing into his street clothes, and he goes to a local pub. I also change my clothes to look like an American cowboy, and I apply make-up to my skin to make me look Human.
I go down to the street, and follow the astral thread. It leads me into a basement dive called, "The Underground." It's a typical sleazy urban dive. I go to the bar and order a drink, then take it, and sit down in a corner. The priest comes out of the bathroom, zipping up his pants. He sits at the bar. The bartender apparently knows this regular.
"Ey, Father Johnny boy, what'll it be?"
"That's Johnny to you, pal! Can't I just be a regular Joe Urth Yorker for once?"
"Okay, pally. You want your lil alcoholic coffee and milky-poo?"
"That's Gorilla Juice, to you."
"Okay, Johnny boy, here's your coffee brandy, and here's your milk."
The priest mixes his own drinks, then guzzles it down. He calls someone on his phone.
"Okay, good. Are the little ones ready? Okay. Great. This will be a lovely ceremony after that fucking bullshit I had to deal with today with all those stupid bitches not wanting to fuck me. Okay, yes, sir. I have the money and everything."
I see the priest go down a long hallway, then disappear into a hidden door. After I hear his footsteps get further away, I use my dark energy and pull it out of the door, then phase through to the other side.
I see him in semidarkness ahead, then he turns a corner. I silently follow.
The scene before me is horrifying. The hall opens up to a large vaulted chamber, similar to a Catholic Cathedral. On the stage is a stone altar, with an image of Baphomet above it. There are Vampyres donning red and black robes readying to do a sacrificial ceremony. They are chanting and murmuring about blood.
On the altar are two children, a boy and girl, bound, gagged, and stripped of their clothes, absolute terror on their faces. I summon 8 dark energy throwing knives, and I place them between my fingers. I hurl them at the other Vampyres, each one hitting a target. I have aroused their wrath. I summon lightning from the electrical wires overhead, and they shriek as they spark and burn with electrocution. They fall over, every one writhing on the floor, a charred living mess of burnt flesh. I grab a wooden table, and break a leg off, then I walk to each Vampyre, and slam the table leg into their vile chest.
I hear my dagger, Blood, speaking to me. "Blood! Me! I want!"
I withdraw Blood, and whip the dagger, elongating it into a sword. I decapitate every single Vampyre, including the priest. Blood screams and gurgles with delight as he drinks all the blood he touches.
I wipe my blade, then I free the children. I take off my cowboy duster and wrap them in it. They are not afraid of me.
I use my finger, and shooting a stream of fire on to the floor, I burn these words amongst the bodies. "KILLUMINATI."
I open a portal to Lucid City, and step through.

"Alright, big guy," says the Artificial Intelligence hologram, Big Joey. "You gotta turn on your murderous intent radar, and telepathically find a Master Assassin, and follow them to the Assassin's Guild.
WinterFae, my wife, is a little pink Fairie on my shoulder. "Me too, I want to be a Black Mage Assassin!"
She beckons me outside, then makes rocks fall from the sky, summons a sphere of fire around her, then shoots ice daggers in all directions. She pulls in dark energy, and fires a bolt at me, which I absorb.
She alights on my shoulder. "To the Assassin's Guild!"
My HUD comes up with a radar with a yellow dot. The Master Assassin. I go through my apartment, and exit into the hallway. I take an elevator to the street below. I am in a kind of Neo-Honolulu in 2120.
There are bright lights, and electromagnetic cars zooming past. I see all kinds of races of people. There is a gnome that stands out to me. A male gnome, he looks to be about 400 years old. He is leaning against a lamp post smoking a cigarette. He is wearing brown robes. I feel his murderous Assassin energy. He glances casually at me, and walks away.
WinterFae and I follow him around a corner, through some city blocks, then he descends down a flight of stairs in the ground. I follow. He goes through a door and closes it behind him.
I stand in front of the door. I telepathically broadcast my murderous energy. I hear someone say in my head, "Art thou of murderous intent?"
"Yes," I answer, "I intend to kill mine enemies."
"I intend to kill my enemies!" WinterFae says.
The door opens on its own. I walk down a long hall lit by torches into a large room with a crude stage. There is a small assembly gathered of about 50 people.
The gnome paces back and forth on the stage slowly. "Welcome to the Assassin's Guild. You are all wannabe killers. You want to kill someone for some reason, and this is why you are here. You are now all Apprentices, then you will move up to Journeys, then Masters if you can. Your first quest to prove your loyalty will be to assassinate a target of your choice. We will provide you with whatever training you feel you need before you begin your first quest.
If you would like training, exit into the Training Yard. Our Training Yard is underground under a large dome with a projector that can create images of the sky or flat ceilings. Do not be misled. Nothing is True, Anything is Possible."
I see Redfox in the group about ten feet away. She is a red energy Vampyre with long straight red hair, and red and yellow eyes. She turns to me.
I hear her telepathically since we are both Vampyres. "You, you look familiar... Hm... are you?"
"Nomad, yet in this form, I am Soulkyst. This little Fairie is my wife, WinterFae."
WinterFae curtsies. Redfox and I focus on each others' third eye, in the Vampyre greeting, and I learn of her tormented past, similar to mine. She wants to kill Evils, like me.
"Let us go to the Practice Yard, and there we may spar, and test our spells and combat skills."
"I'd like that," Redfox says.

I float up out of bed. I see my wife, WinterFae sleeping peacefully. I am standing in my Lucid City apartment. I turn to the mirror. I am a Vampyre with extremely pale lavender skin, and blue-grey eyes wearing an 1800's suit with a waistcoat.
WinterFae wakes up and morphs into a tiny pink Fairie. "Why are you a Vampyre?" she asks.
"I like being a Vampyre," I grin at my reflection, and view my fangs.
I walk to my computer terminal. "Energize."
Big Joey appears, my AI.
"Hey, big guy, what's going on? You a Vampyre, now?"
"Yes."
"You going to play a bunch of different characters, or somethin'?"
"Hm," I muse, "Yes."
"Who's this guy?"
"You may call me Soulkyst."
"Cute."
I turn to the mirror, and pull a hairbrush off a shelf and brush my long straight white hair.
"Big Joey, I'd like to try different classes."
"Ok, Big Guy."
"Black Mage."
My clothes shift to a black robe and cowl.
"Black Mages magic is mainly dark energy and elemental based."
"Okay, stop right there, I am a Dark Energy Vampyre. I choose Black Mage. But, rid me of this silly robe."
"Right."
My clothes revert to the original gentlemen's clothes. I see I have rings with blue, red, brown, grey, and black gems on each finger for water, fire, earth, air, and dark energy magic.
"So, Mr. Soulkyst, how do you like the rings instead of the black robe?"
"Perfect," I grin.
"Now, here are the weapons of the Black Mage."
On a counter near me materialize a wicked looking hardwood staff with dull spikes at the top, and a evil looking dagger with a black blade. I pick up the staff, and then it shakes furiously and morphs into a snake. I drop it, startled. It begins to slither away. I pounce on it and retrieve it. The snake turns to me, and grins, then morphs back into a staff.
"A Snakestaff!" I exclaim.
"And if someone tries to take it from you, it will morph into a poisonous snake and kill them."
"Perfect," I grin. The staff head morphs into a snake for a second and winks at me.
I pick up the dagger. I hear it whisper to me. I put the blade to my ear.
"Blood. I love blood. I lust blood. Vampyre blood. Give it to me, my master. My I have yours? Just a sip, or a long drink. Vampyre blood is best." A hissing laugh emits from the blade. I see a black gem in the hilt. There is something that looks like a tiny red-eyed gargoyle inside the gem grinning at me. "Blood!"
"Oh, you shall have your fill, for I despise almost all Vampyres, and they hate me, little dagger."
"Blood!"
I decide to name the blade Bloodhunger and sheath it in a hidden scabbard on my waist.
I turn to my AI.
"So, what would you like to do?"
"Kill Vampyres, the despicable cannibals."
"How are they cannibals?"
"Eating Humans."
"How is that cannibalism?"
"We are the same race, they are our ancestors."
"Hmm, interesting. So, you'd like to become an Assassin, I take it?"
"Yes."
Well, first you're going to have to practice some elemental magic.
I stomp on the floor, and cause a wave or earth energy to flow at my AI as chunks of the floor break and crack. I then make a small fireball in my left hand, and blow it at him. It splits into five fireballs. I spin the fireballs all around him before they dissipate. I make ice knives appear in my hands and throw them at Big Joey.
Then, I pull dark energy into my body, and launch a dark energy missile at Big Joey. Then I remove my staff from my back, and slam it on the floor. It becomes charged with lightning, then I blast the lightning at him, blowing a hole in the wall behind him.
"Good practice sesh. Okay, let me pull up the Assassin Quest..."

I am wandering through my old high school, and wondering why I am there. Why do I have a wallet chain and baggy pants? Hmm… I need a cigarette. I light up a cigarette, and see my wife, WinterFae storm out of the cafeteria. She sits down on a short wall and crosses her arms and legs angrily, frowning. “Hey, sweetheart, let’s get out of here.”
She looks up at me. “Huh?” She looks at my cigarette uncomfortably. I open a portal, and take her hand, pulling her through. We are on an airplane, I am the pilot and she is a passenger. She comes into the cockpit and says she hates airplane dreams. “Ok.”
I teleport the plane to the ground, and we debark into the airport, then I open a mirror portal to my apartment in Lucid City. I am werecat, and WinterFae is a little Fairie. I turn on my computer terminal, and tell Big Joey, my AI, that I want to try out different races.
I morph into a Dragonkin, a Human, an Android, a Dark Elf, A Vampyre, and an Orc. I decide on Dragonkin, a red fire-breather. Then, I name myself Xyphor, and try out different classes, fighting illusions in The Arena. I decide I like the Psion the best, as I feel it’s a good balance to my race’s breath attacks.
Big Joey teleports WinterFae and I back to the apartment. “I like the Psion. A Dragonkin in a tuxedo is funny.”
I look in the mirror. “I am rather dapper,” I say. I notice the apartment is bigger, and there is a large couch befitting my great size. I sit down, and see on the end table a case of cigars. I open it with my TK, and float a cigar up in front of my face, then blow on it to light it up. Then, I take it in my hand and smoke it. The couch faces the garden side of the apartment which is all glass. I step out through the sliding doors. Huge gardens spread out in front of me growing all kinds of fruits, vegetables, and beans.
Big Joey appears on my HUD. “I know what you’re thinking, Mr. Wannabe Baker man. You want grains? Ride or fly out to the country, Harvest some wheat, and bring it back.”
“Yeah? Then, I will.”
I fly up into the sky, and I see a horse stable at the edge of the gardens. I fly down to it. I think it will be funny to ride when I can fly, so I find the stablehand and tell him I want a horse to ride out to the wild wheat fields. He grins and brings over a mega-Clydesdale stallion by the name of Diablo, about 20 feet tall. This will be interesting. I fly up and mount him.
He takes off like lightning, charging for the wilds. We ride through forests with giant trees, and come to a field of wildflowers. I see wheat growing amongst them. I dismount, and pick some wheat seeds by hand. I put them in a bag, and ride Diablo back to the gardens. I find an empty plot, and plant the wheat on five acres. I plow the ground with Diablo as I plant. He seems annoyed.
I look up at the sky, and focus on my cloudbusting technique. I make a cloud dissipate. I try again with a bigger cloud. The cloud rains on the wheat. The wheat begins to sprout as the sun sets, and the moon rises. I sit and watch my wheat grow. The moon sets, and the sun rises. I sit there for weeks, fascinated. The time has come to harvest the wheat, and I find a scythe on my back patio, and walk out to the wheat field. I harvest the wheat, and stack it, then toss it in the air to separate out the chaff. I pour the wheat kernels into a large mortar, and I grind it into flour with a pestle under a canopy in the garden.
I see some coconuts and olives on the ground. I plant them, and see no clouds in the sky. How annoying.
I pour the flour into barrels, then close them and load them up in a giant horse cart. Diablo does not like pulling the cart, but he does it anyway. We take it to the Lucid City Bakery, and I begin stocking flour bins with the flour. “Haven’t seen you around before. Thanks for the flour, stranger.”
I stand up, and am looking in the face of another red dragonkin. He reaches out to me in the dragonkin greeting, and I take his hand, then we communicate telepathically. He tells me he is from another dimension, a creature similar to Xyphor. Here, he is the Head Baker, his name is Xarntryn. I look around, and see that most of the bakers area red dragonkin, and the rest are an odd mix of races.”Most of the non-firebreathers are black or red mages, for the fire spells aid in the baking.” He suddenly guffaws loudly. I can’t help but laugh with him. I now remember how ridiculous and freeing a dragon or dragonkin’s laughter is. I see a black mage human make a fire spell on some dough, and accidentally sets it on fire. I grin at him, and he blushes. I laugh out loud, and he laughs at himself, and then tosses the black bread in the compost.
“The beasts love our burnt bread, and it’s good for the soil!”
I grab some dough and start making it into dough balls, and the dream flashes between this one and me working in a pizza shop in Hawaii. I try to focus on the Lucid City Bakery, but I somehow get stuck in that stupid pizza shop.
I walk outside the shop. Everything looks real. I panic because I think I am stuck back there, and wake

I leap out of bed. I am in my Lucid City apartment. Yes! I made it! I look at my bed. It looks very plain. I am standing on a thick soft rug, barefooted. I feel something on my shoulder. It's WinterFae, my wife. She has morphed into a tiny fairie, and is riding on me. I see my Dream Shrine in one corner that looks like the one in my room in BanYanLand on the Moon with a large mirror. In another corner I see my computer terminal which looks like a plain white cylinder about four feet high with a sloped top. I press a red glowing button on the top. The cylinder projects holograms in front of me on to a mist which spews out the top. I see a holographic screen, and a keyboard.

I hit: A I, then "enter."

My AI hologram character appears.

He is about a foot and a half foot tall, and looks like an American Prohibition Era gangster from New York. His is a glowing greenish color.

"Yo, what's up? Don't tell, don't ask. My name is Big Joey. Welcome to the BJOS, Big Joey Operating System."

"Cool. You're a gangster. Can I upload you into my brain for my HUD?"

"Whoah, easy there pal, I don't know what kinda crazy viruses you may have there in that noodle of yours, Catface."

"Okay... well, I need an HUD."

"Done!"

An HUD pops up in my vision.

It says, "Welcome to Lucid City Net Portal!" then the words fade, and a circle appears in the upper right hand corner that says, "you are dreaming" on it. A crosshairs appears in the center.

"Yes I did it!"

"Good job, Sweetheart!" WinterFae says.

I am lying in bed. There are ants on me. Hmm. Weird. I brush them off. My bedroom setting disappears. I am now lying on a mound of earth, about 8 feet long and four feet wide at the base, and about three feet high. Ants crawl over me, trailing some sticky thread like spiders.
I am amused by this, and just watch the scene play out. I am in a sunny jungle somewhere that feels like southeast Asia. Then, the ants start making a kind of creepy hissing and chirping noises. They crawl into my ear. I try to stand up. I can't. The ones in my ear tell me I am going to die soon. I am bound. They will slowly eat me alive for revenge. Revenge against the humans.
"We eat! We eat! We eat!"

The fucking ants tear into my flesh with their powerful tiny mandibles. Fuck them. this is my dream. I try to move, and teleport past their bonds, but I am bound like a fly in a spider's death-cocoon. I morph into a pile of dust and sand, and the wind blows me out of their evil trap, and the rest of me pours out on to the ground.

The ants are enraged because I am no longer edible.

"I am just trying to see the world from your perspective," I tell them. Suddenly, I am tiny or they are big. I don't know. There is an ant with arms and a sword in front of me. I also have a sword. This giant ant wants to kill me. He is about 12 feet away, and charges me. I throw my sword, and it lodges right in his head. Suddenly there are thousands of ants crawling up my legs stinging me. I scream in pain, and wake up.

I am in bed. I look at my hands. They are swirly and ghost like. "I am glad I was able to wake myself up!" I say.

I am sitting at a wedding feast of the gods, which I apparently rejoined after leaving with Eris. Hera, Aphrodite, and Athena are alternately fuming at me, and ignoring me. I chuckle to myself.
I stand up and walk around. The setting on Mount Olympus is amazing. Wildflowers and majestic tall trees are everywhere.
I see Hercules drunkenly tossing boulders over a cliff, whooping it up. I join him at his side, tossing boulders over. He stops.
"No, Mr. Nothing, this game is called Drunken Boulder Toss. Every time you miss, you have to take a drink."
"Miss what?"
See that mountain? That's out target."
I toss a boulder at a mountain peak which is about two miles away. I make it about 15 or 20 yards out from the cliff.
Hercules laughs and pours wine out of a large barrel into a golden flask for me to drink. I drink deeply. It's amazing. Sweet, fruity, and delicious.
Zeus joins us. He tosses a boulder. It goes sailing into the sky until it's out of sight.
"You have missed, father!" Hercules laughs uproariously. Zeus joins in, and pours himself a drink.
I pick up a boulder and toss it straight up. It lands on my head, bounces off, then rolls off the edge of the cliff. Hercules falls over laughing, and Zeus hands me another drink of godly wine.
Pan walks over to us. He tosses a boulder to Hercules, who catches it. "I missed the mountain," he grins. And puts his face under the wine barrel spigot and pours it into his mouth he drinks the whole barrel.
"Okay... beetchez... firszt, I'mz going to toss one of theses bitchees..."
He picks up a boulder, and tosses it at the mountain. It sails through air, and hits it, making a huge cloud dust and a muffled boom. We all clap and laugh drunkenly.
"Hmm... let me try! That wine works well."
I pour an entire barrel into my mouth also.
I pick up a boulder and lift it above my head, and accidentally toss it backwards. It lands behind me on a steep slope, and rolls down to me. I turn, and the boulder crashes right into me. I get stuck to it, and roll with it down the cliff. It feels like a fun ride. The boulder and I, roll to the bottom, then I fly up and rejoin the other gods on the plateau above. They are laughing uproariously.
"Did I win?"
They laugh harder.
Zeus shouts, "NO!" with a thunder clap, and tosses a boulder at me, which I narrowly dodge.

I am sitting at a wedding table of the gods on Mount Olympus on a grassy mountainside. The table is full of all kinds of food, and there is a huge cake. The bride and groom are dancing to music played by Pan and some wood nymphs.
I smile and inhale. The air is so pure and fragrant. Smells like wildflowers, wine, and nectarines.
I pluck a grape the size of a plum off a bunch and pop it in my mouth. The grape bursts, and is full of amazing sweet floral flavor. I crunch the seeds and swallow. My, how real my dream body feels. As I reach for a pomegranate, I notice I have a feline paw. Ah, I guess I must be the god of Nothing. I chuckle to myself.
Suddenly, a portal opens, and my goddess, Eris appears in terrifying glory. sparks are flying around her, and thunder claps. The music stops, and all look at her. The magical storm disspates, and she blows out her right hand which apparently caught fire.

"And why was I not invited?"

All are silent.

"Anyway, here ya go," she says, tossing her wedding gift upon the table. Inscribed on it are the words, "Kallisti! To the prettiest one."

"Well, thank-" the bride begins to say, but is interrupted by Aphrodite.

"I am obviously the most beautiful goddess in the world, for what is more beautiful than Love herself?"

"Pshaw!" snorts Athena. "Wisdom is more beautiful than flightly love, which causes good men to do evil deeds, and makes women ugly in their jealousy. Wisdom is the mother of peace and justice."

"You silly sad, bitches, I am the Great Mother Bitch!" scream Hera. "I am the prettiest one! I gave birth to everyone and everything!"

Eris grins at the discord sown.

"Zeus!" shouts Hera, "Who is the prettiest one? Who is the owner of the apple?"

"Well, isn't the apple a wedding present? So, it should go to-"

"Wrong answer!" Hera screams, and throws a large pumpkin at Zeus's head which he narrowly dodges.

"Hmph!" says Athena, let's ask Paris, the God of Nothing. "Come here boy," she beckons to me. Hera and Aphrodite stand next to her. "Look at us, who is the prettiest?"

Athena is gorgeous with green eyes and coppery curly auburn hair. She has a cute pointy nose, strong yet feminine jaw, and sexy lips. She speaks to me telepathically, and I have a vision of gaining knowledge and wisdom to make myself wealthy, and I have a palace full of gold.

I look at Hera, and she looks like a naughty MILF. She smirks at me. She has long straight brown hair, dark brown eyes, and full lips. She gives me a vision of conquering my enemies in battle and expanding my kingdom.

I look at Aphrodite. She has strawberry blond hair, and green-blue eyes, and pouty lips. She gives me a vision of my soulmate being with me. "I already have that!" I think.

I turn to Eris. She has long curly black hair and violet eyes. "Oh, Eris Goddess of Discord, how I love and worship Thee, you are Khaos, you are the Apple and Omega, the Beginning in the End, You are the All-Mother, for out of Khaos, Matter was Born. I take the apple off the table and walk to Eris. I kneel down before her, and offer it to her."

She grins, picks up the apple. She takes a bite, and like it's a regular apple, and says, "thanks," nonchalantly around a mouthful of apple. She chuckles to herself and steps into the portal.

The other three goddesses fume at me. I smile and wave at them. "bye, bitches."

"No fair! We didn't know he was a Discordian!"

"HAHA! 23 IN YOUR FACE!" I step through the portal.

jumbly bumbly..

I have a vague recollection of being in a big beautiful place outdoors, riding a train.... Mountains, a field of wildflowers... I'm on the Moon! The Green Moon! We made a train that goes around the Moon!

Johnny Depp and I are sitting on a mountain in the Biodome smoking a big fat joint. Somehow we are in the middle of a conversation.
"This is some good dream herb, bro," he says to me.
We talk about the Hollywood Mafia, and how they've killed a lot of high-level actors, like Heath Ledger. He starts crying. "They enslave us, and kill us, even though we have all this money, so no one knows. They've killed a lot of my friends... my friends. We are real people, we're not images on a screen. That's not me, that fucking image, and it's dehumanizing. People put us on a pedestal and worship us like gods, but we're just fucking real goddamned people."
"You have to fight them. Johnny, no."
"If I fight them, they'll kill someone I love. There's nothing I can do bro. I just have to smile and act like nothing's wrong. I am good at that, I'm an actor. They already got me long ago in the 21 Jumpstreet days. That's when I sold my soul to the devil."
A portal opens up behind him, and two Agents in black step out. "It's time for you to go, Mr. Depp."
"How the hell did those bastards get in here?"
"I called them, I had to. I have to go now, brother."
"Johnny, no!"
"Don't end up like me, don't walk down this path."
"This is not real, none of this Illuminati bullshit is real."
"Never forget Heath Ledger."
One of the Agents slaps Johnny's face. I cry out in anger. They grab him by the elbows, and take him into a dark creepy portal, and they disappear. I collapse in grief and cry alone amongst the wildflowers for what feels like hours.

My wife and I are walking down the sidewalk in a generic Honolulu. She is remarking how my posture is improving, then laughs about how her abusive ex-boyfriend would hunch over and look like Gollum. We turn into a local drugstore, Longs, and there he is in a space between a cashier's counter, and a rack of stuff. He is hunched over looking very Gollum-ish. I want to walk past him to get to where I am going. I consider turning around, but said in my head, "Fuck it. If he fucks with me, I'll just kick his ass."
He sees us and makes a "oh-it's-you-two-assholes", kind of a face. As I get closer, he sticks his leg out as if to trip me. I simply stop walking and look at him. He lunges at me, a kind of tackle/grab attack, and I engage tai chi. I block and sidestep, grabbing his arm and shoulder, redirecting his energy into the cashier's counter. He hits his head on the counter, and stands up, shaking it off. He charges me, and I allow him to run smack into a rack of hairbrushes. He grunts in frustration and, turns to me again. He tries to weakly kick me. I see it coming from miles away. Perceiving the weakness of the kick, I simply stand there and do nothing. When the kick lands, I chuckle in mild amusement.
He grunts again, then kind of screams and lunges at me again. I again engage tai chi, and let him do a chin plant on the floor. Now that the onlookers have seen I am not the attacker, I decide it's time for me to reciprocate attacking. Time for some fucking Hawaiian street fighting. I leap upon his back with a primal growl as he stands up like a savage beast, and triangle choke him, wrapping my legs around his torso to weigh him down. He stumbles forward, and makes it out of the drugstore, then collapses on the sidewalk in front of the store, trying to get me off of his back. He is on his hands and knees know, coughing and sputtering. I alter position, sitting upon his lower back, and choking him with my hands from behind.
"This is what you get, this is what you deserve motherfucker," I think without saying. I think my actions speak loud enough. I grin evilly, then awake with a smile on my face.

I am a young man in Cebu in the far past. I look in a silver mirror hanging in my hut. I have dark skin and a broad face with straight black hair. I am from a tribe of headhunters in what you people call the Visayas. I must kill, I will kill, for then I will become a man, and receive my first tattoo.
But, I killed him, I already did, a just death did I slay him with, aye, I killed him with Death itself.
I look at the tattoo on my right hand. Nine arrows for the nine Templars I slew. Yes, I brought back my heads to the altar of Death, and burned them with fire to my gods. The Templars! I spit upon their graves! They come to our lands to steal our gold and women. I come with centipedes, and poisonous snakes in their beds at night. I taint their meat with toxic sap, tasteless yet the gift of very Death herself.
I am what the Moors call a Savage. Yes, just as did my people when we invaded, and conquered the Night Ones. I don't give a shit what the Moors, the Spanish or anyone else calls me. I slay at will. I am a headhunter.
I look in the mirror. I have centipede track tattoos on my face. On my neck, I have two snakes. On my torso, I have the branches of the poison tree tattooed on me. On my forearms, I have blessings and curses written backwards.
I hear a sound outside my grass hut. I smell... Templar. They have a certain kind of yeasty body odor from drinking lots of beer, and eating lots of cheese. The combination makes them very distinct. Idiots. The Templar is standing with his back to my hut. I unsheath my dagger, and stab him in his left kidney right through the wall.
I hear him gasp in pain, and a blood spot forms in the grass wall. I kick him through the wall, then walk around through the door. I look around. No other Tem- I get attacked from behind, a Templar bear hugs me, and pulls me back. I leap backward with his momentum, and he falls flat on his back, and hits his head against the inside of his helmet, knocking himself out. Idiot. I draw his sword, and cut off his head. I pick up his head, and show it to the other Templar with my dagger in him.
"You're next," I say. "I may show you mercy if you tell me who sent you."
"Robert."
"Say no more." I cut off his head. I hold both of their heads in the air and shout, "Do any more of you civilized barbarians want to challenge me? I will fight you to the Death!"
I throw both heads into the air, and one I shoot with a crossbow, the other I throw a knife into before they hit the ground.

"Wake up, brother, we are going to Hell." I am being shaken awake into a dream by Alter and Mylynes.
They are two demons made of lava. Alter glows green through cracks in his black skin, I glow red, and Mylynes glows orange. We are all demons. I sit up, yawn, and grin. I stand up, and look around me. There is fire and lava everywhere. I feel right at home.
Suddenly, Mylynes turns to me, and says in a thousand voices, "Now, you will see what true Hell is, Nomad." He raises a katana, to which I respond by laughing, then he overhead slices me, and I am now in eight separate parts. I surround him with all my 8 Demon Selves. "You can call me, DETHGAWN!" I roar at him, and charge him from all 8 directions.
He attacks me again and causes me to have 64 dreams simultaneously. In every dream, he and I are fighting, and Alter is just laughing his ass off.
'NINE NINE NINE' FELINE CANINE DIVINE! I suddenly shout. The worlds split until we are dreaming a thousand dreams of fighting each other. In one, I am a bacteria, and he is a rat, and I am eating him. In another one, he is a dragon, and I am a flying knight. In another, I am a fish, and he is a shark. In another, he is a space monkey, and I am a space manta ray. Mylynes finds my rhyme amusing, and stops attacking me, and yawns. I stop fighting him and yawn back.
We go back into one dream. We are in the Battle Pyramid in the City of Nowhere in the Land of Nod on the Green Moon.
We bow, and Q shouts, "Draw!"