MoSh's DJ: The Best Dream Journal in The Universe.

Can't load this website on my laptop says security error. I'm using my phone to type. Seemingly rough couple days with her voice. I went to Karaoke at the tavern with my brother and all their friends in Didsbury. I remembered having dreams of Jamie either hanging out or working across the street. So I kind of asked the Jamie voice what is the right thing for me to do should I accidentally run into her somewhere. I heard a really cutting response like, " Don't even look at me, or try to talk to me." That got me kinda upset. Okay, a lot upset. I mean; I'm not going to anyway especially if she looks like she doesn't want to be talked to. I can respect space and privacy. But why be mean? Who knows if that was really her voice or not. Eventually we both seemed to resolve it where I just let her say something if that were to happen, but before saying something just let her linger nearby until she feels safe to say something. Smile if she smiles. Wave. Or am I allowed to wave first to test where she's at? IDK.

Later on her voice said something like, " Don't talk to me in my head anymore." Repeated a few times. I just apologized and said I'll be quiet. A minute later we seemed to work it out. And later she said, " please don't try to break up with me anymore. " I was all confused because I heard it the other way around. So I talked to her voice some more and ran it back. Apparently she heard the phrase that I heard from her, but me saying it to her. So we both agreed that we both hear "false voices." Sometimes.
We also talked about her being afraid to even say anything to me. That was her reasons, not mine. And I do remember when we used to hang out. How a part of her seemed to really want to move things want to move things forward with me. But also there was another part of her that would not let it happen. MUST not let it happen. And I remember thinking in those days that she seemed genuinely TERRIFIED of getting too close. I would watch that war go on in her daily sometimes.

Anyway dreams. The karaoke night I was up so late I couldn't recall any dreams. That was also an exhaustive night with the voice with a lot of confusion but I won't go into detail.

Last night

Quiet

I was in a white room and I was shackled by my arms to the floor. Jamie came in and unshackled me. She looked exhausted to the point of looking way older. Her face seemed thinner than normal. We began walking somewhere but she was keeping her distance. My dad was suddenly with us. And she was lingering closer to him than me. I remember feeling down about it, feeling that she should be closer to me than my dad. There goes my BPD brain again, finding rejection where there is none.