Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

**Linkzelda** · 03-03-2012 11:01 PM

Originally Posted by Carrot

@Link: I think I half understand what you're trying to say, not fully because it's rather overwhelming for me. But you're spot on that I'm the careful type in trying to understand new concepts. I might not be as open as everyone else here in DV, that's why I've been subconsciously rejecting a lot of things. Not saying that my problems cannot be simple, but they are reading it from the wrong perspective. I can just summarise it to one word each for each of my problems but my mother didn't give me the time to think about it before she jumped to conclusions, thus we ended up yelling at each other.

Regarding dreaming and lucid dreaming. I don't think it's impossible. In fact ever since I came to DV, my occurrence theme on toilets doesn't appear anymore because DV became a venue for me to vent my suppressed feelings. At least I feel there are people who understand here. Not saying that there are no people who understands in my social circle, but they will start telling me what the society deem is right and there is barely any room for discussion. Just my sexuality alone, I need to state it a lot of times for them to believe me, although quite a number is still half-believing.

Oh yah, back to your suggestion on dreaming. I have a fear of trying them out. Not because it might take me long to find my answer, but because I might put myself in dreamland and I might end up refusing to face reality. Sadly my stubborn nature doesn't like me to enjoy best of both worlds, it's either this or that. So if I stay in dreamworld, I will start ignoring real world things, if I stay in virtual world, I can use the internet without bothering about what's going on around me. For me now, I'm currently closer to real world. I recall there was once I was so into virtual world, I rejected any outings my friends organised, feeling that it's just too tired to meet real people.

And that was the reason why I stopped trying to recall my dreams, because if I do, I ended up troubling myself for the whole day on dream recalling and journal writing. Guess I'm not too good with handling too many things at once.

Oh hohohohohohoho, I understand what you mean by being so indulged in dreamland and forgetting about this world. In fact, I've been letting time pass by quickly so that the night can just hurry up so I can attempt another WILD and find Alyzarin.

It's okay if what I suggested was overwhelming, that's why I decided to give you so much information, because I believed it would sharpen your mind on what you're thinking. I was doing it for you to release more of your feelings so that you wouldn't suppress them and regress to that state of yours that is concerned about your fragility and mortality.

Sometimes you have to forget about reality because you already know how to survive in it (What I mean is that after being trained so much to do this and that and to perform this act and that act, that you can easily do this without even thinking).

Sometimes I'm afraid of what I'm getting into as well, sometimes I feel that I might not be able to help my friend, but I know that if I give up now, it will change the story. I can't act out in a different story, I have to go towards the path I'm already devoted in walking in (at least finishing the story before I shift to another one)

Escapism is a deadly thing if you cannot balance it, and I admit that it's probably not the right idea for you to do it because you're so young, but I just think that
s why I'm crazy. I can have no sense of caring about the world and speculate on dreaming, and invert those qualities of mine, which may be the reason why I may be confusing to other people.

I'm crazy. I'm really crazy, I think I'm a fool sometimes trying to do something so extreme as to find my friend and listen to her, and understand her, so that I can understand myself.

It's dangerous, and I'm telling you earnestly, shifting towards this mentality is dangerous. But sometimes you have to take the risk in order to find the inner calm. It won't be easy to obtain, because if it was easy, you would've obtained it by now.

That's the thing with finding something in life and beyond. You have to do things in an uncommon way to find the general feeling or meaning of what it is you desire.

I think that's why I am able to somewhat be calm despite the potential for insanity that comes a long with it, but I think about my friend, and that's all that matters right now to me. Until I meet her consistently, and we exchange our feelings together, this is the mentality that I will be going for until a new one needs to be made.

I do apologize for that suggestion I gave you, but in all honestly, instead of sugar coating this to you, I'm giving it to you up front now. Do not take this as an insult or anything, I am giving you what I believe is true (at the moment).

That mentality of mine will make you crazy, you might feel even worse than you were than before, but if you do not learn how to go through so much pain, how can you ever find the love that wraps itself around you? The type of love that makes you superior than others in this realm.

To learn how to hate and love, to take those two and treat them just the same. To give them equal recognition because the moment you start going towards one side, that is when the other side will want you to come back to it.

This is why others will never find their inner calm, they will continue to reject it, thinking it's out there to hurt them, when it fact, its doing that for you to ask it WHY it is doing.

Again, please do not take this as an insult, this is my personal advice to you as a member here. Sometimes, you need to be given the truth instead of others giving you shallow responses.

And don't say you're not too good with handling too many things at once, you can gradually get used to that mentality that demands so much one step at a time. Just one step at a time, and branch off from that, and you will eventually be able to deal with this mentality of experimenting with many forms of human behavior.

**OldNutter** · 03-03-2012 11:29 PM

So.... I am no longer bothered by an ingrown toenail... Least on one side of my toe. I sorta performed a self procedure on it

Nah not really, but I did sterilize a flat piece of metal and some nail clippers and cut the corner of the nail off. It'll only make it worse, I know, but hope by the time it grows back, It'll be removed by a real doctor. I tried doing it on the other side.
Fucking. Ow.
Noooo way in hell anything is touching that again. I think I know how the nail is embedded in there, and it ain't pretty. That by far, hurts more then any needle every did. And yet I still done it... to myself. Which I had no problems doing. So... hopefully, this will make me feel a little better when I go get my toenail removed for real (I doubt it will -.- )

**Carrot** · 03-03-2012 11:30 PM

@Link: I just re-read what you wrote about love in the previous post. I think I can handle if my love isn't reciprocate. Not like I'm expecting much, although I'm wishing for it. And you might be right about the hatred part. Probably my mum wants me to care for her as much as she does, I didn't say this to her, but technically I've been forced to live with her from the moment I was born, I wasn't given a choice to choose, and we were forced to be together regardless whether our personality matches or clashes. Love towards a person might develop after years, but it's more of attachment and getting used to than love to me, so I might actually be more sensitive and caring to someone I love than them, because I can't fake a concern.

And about love again, to add on that I'm young, I'm inexperienced too. If you were to set a scale for people who are easily influenced, I can easily be on the extreme end of being easily swayed by what others tell me. Ended up I started doubting, I doubt everything, and now I start doubting about my love too. The only reason I know that I love her now was because I told myself that previously. I am not sure now. I get denied so much I start thinking what others want me to think, although I don't show it.

Sad as this may sound, I want to be fragile. I was the one letting myself to be fragile. Instead of saying I'm hiding, I'm good at convincing myself. So what the world has been seeing for a really long time was what I had convinced myself. Thinking that I'm strong, so everyone starts assuming I'm strong. I was so convinced that I can handle things rationally, and that I like abstract ideas because I started opening up to ideas when I was shown with them (not knowing that I've been subconsciously rejecting a lot of them too) that when I decided to take Jung's personality test again one fine day, and reading up on the description, I was wondering who this alien is.

I had to sit down and really think how I really act then how I think to get my personality type. I read up on it and found that it fits me. If you want to know, it's ISFJ. So instead of changing myself, I have a new mindset now, I should start accepting myself, the real me that I had been rejecting for years because I didn't like it. Maybe that's the reason why I didn't like the idea of finding out things that could change how I am now.

And to be honest Link, you are not crazy. I probably thought about the things that you did before. I was so pissed off by life that I wanted to live a life of eternal calm forever, be a nun or something. Lols. As for now, I guess I don't dabble with anything that's "dangerous". My mind isn't stable yet and I know, I just recovered from my half-way to insanity route recently. The thought of going back to where I was few months ago doesn't appeal to me. I had so many strange thoughts back then, and everyday it was changing. Now my thoughts to me are more clear cut, except for the occasional doubt here and there.

I guess for me now, what I want is to love and be loved by the same person, if that doesn't happen, nevermind, at least let me graduate and find a job that I want successfully. I'm currently aiming the life of an average man/woman I guess. All those "dangerous" stuff you were mentioning, I should probably do it when I'm more mature and less easily swayed by what others tell me. Or I'll probably never do it as long as I feel happy with my life.

**Patrick** · 03-03-2012 11:52 PM

Originally Posted by OldSparta

So.... I am no longer bothered by an ingrown toenail... Least on one side of my toe. I sorta performed a self procedure on it

Nah not really, but I did sterilize a flat piece of metal and some nail clippers and cut the corner of the nail off. It'll only make it worse, I know, but hope by the time it grows back, It'll be removed by a real doctor. I tried doing it on the other side.
Fucking. Ow.
Noooo way in hell anything is touching that again. I think I know how the nail is embedded in there, and it ain't pretty. That by far, hurts more then any needle every did. And yet I still done it... to myself. Which I had no problems doing. So... hopefully, this will make me feel a little better when I go get my toenail removed for real (I doubt it will -.- )

Sounds painful. I've had an operation on each of my big toes for ingrown toenails. My dad had to have his whole toenail removed when he was younger for the same thing. My girlfriend also had an operation on her big toe and now the other side of the same toe is ingrown so it looks like she's gonna need to have the whole nail taken off. And my sister ALSO had an operation on her big toe.

Woohoo!

**Erii** · 03-04-2012 12:03 AM

Just finished the last book in the hunger games series. They were so good. Such a bitter sweet feeling...I teared up even. I'm having post book depression. I just got over my post death note depression xD ugh at least movies of the hunger games are coming out but seriously, I don't know what to do with my life right now.

**~~Alyzarin~~** · 03-04-2012 12:05 AM

Originally Posted by Erii

Just finished the last book in the hunger games series. They were so good. Such a bitter sweet feeling...I teared up even. I'm having post book depression. I just got over my post death note depression xD ugh at least movies of the hunger games are coming out but seriously, I don't know what to do with my life right now.

I keep being told I need to read those books. I'm still on the fence about whether not I want to read that much lol.

**ColdCrisis** · 03-04-2012 12:08 AM

Ugh what a boring day,my gf hasnt called today and im really frustrated because of it...Im just too emotional for this stuff

**Linkzelda** · 03-04-2012 12:09 AM

Originally Posted by Carrot

@Link: I just re-read what you wrote about love in the previous post. I think I can handle if my love isn't reciprocate. Not like I'm expecting much, although I'm wishing for it. And you might be right about the hatred part. Probably my mum wants me to care for her as much as she does, I didn't say this to her, but technically I've been forced to live with her from the moment I was born, I wasn't given a choice to choose, and we were forced to be together regardless whether our personality matches or clashes. Love towards a person might develop after years, but it's more of attachment and getting used to than love to me, so I might actually be more sensitive and caring to someone I love than them, because I can't fake a concern.

And about love again, to add on that I'm young, I'm inexperienced too. If you were to set a scale for people who are easily influenced, I can easily be on the extreme end of being easily swayed by what others tell me. Ended up I started doubting, I doubt everything, and now I start doubting about my love too. The only reason I know that I love her now was because I told myself that previously. I am not sure now. I get denied so much I start thinking what others want me to think, although I don't show it.

Sad as this may sound, I want to be fragile. I was the one letting myself to be fragile. Instead of saying I'm hiding, I'm good at convincing myself. So what the world has been seeing for a really long time was what I had convinced myself. Thinking that I'm strong, so everyone starts assuming I'm strong. I was so convinced that I can handle things rationally, and that I like abstract ideas because I started opening up to ideas when I was shown with them (not knowing that I've been subconsciously rejecting a lot of them too) that when I decided to take Jung's personality test again one fine day, and reading up on the description, I was wondering who this alien is.

I had to sit down and really think how I really act then how I think to get my personality type. I read up on it and found that it fits me. If you want to know, it's ISFJ. So instead of changing myself, I have a new mindset now, I should start accepting myself, the real me that I had been rejecting for years because I didn't like it. Maybe that's the reason why I didn't like the idea of finding out things that could change how I am now.

And to be honest Link, you are not crazy. I probably thought about the things that you did before. I was so pissed off by life that I wanted to live a life of eternal calm forever, be a nun or something. Lols. As for now, I guess I don't dabble with anything that's "dangerous". My mind isn't stable yet and I know, I just recovered from my half-way to insanity route recently. The thought of going back to where I was few months ago doesn't appeal to me. I had so many strange thoughts back then, and everyday it was changing. Now my thoughts to me are more clear cut, except for the occasional doubt here and there.

I guess for me now, what I want is to love and be loved by the same person, if that doesn't happen, nevermind, at least let me graduate and find a job that I want successfully. I'm currently aiming the life of an average man/woman I guess. All those "dangerous" stuff you were mentioning, I should probably do it when I'm more mature and less easily swayed by what others tell me. Or I'll probably never do it as long as I feel happy with my life.

I see.

You want to be fragile. Well, if that is what you want, just know what you have to go through in order to have this kind of behavior. I'm not saying it's weird or anything like that, because everyone has different ways of being satisfied.

And thanks for thinking I'm not crazy, but I am crazy. The moment I learn how to become lucid often, I honestly don't know what I'll be, but I am looking forward to it.

But hey, as long as you think that living a lukewarm life is your goal in being happy, then no one should stop you from achieving that. I wish you the best, Carrot. I know I may not be the most reliable friend, but it's just your innocence that made me respond to you. I'll just leave it at that lol.

**ColdCrisis** · 03-04-2012 12:25 AM

I feel like this thread is slightly helping.

I bought my gf a new perfume for her birthday and its her favourite.Its been her smell since the day we met and now its on my hand because i handled it...I feel like crying because shes not here and all i have is this smell that reminds me of all the days we have spent together
Feeling lonely and broken...I just want to hear her voice right now,tell me something funny,how her day has been or just something. Why can't my phone ring just right now? Why has this to be so hard for me? Why do i feel so much?

**Linkzelda** · 03-04-2012 12:28 AM

Originally Posted by ColdCrisis

I feel like this thread is slightly helping.

I bought my gf a new perfume for her birthday and its her favourite.Its been her smell since the day we met and now its on my hand because i handled it...I feel like crying because shes not here and all i have is this smell that reminds me of all the days we have spent together
Feeling lonely and broken...I just want to hear her voice right now,tell me something funny,how her day has been or just something. Why can't my phone ring just right now? Why has this to be so hard for me? Why do i feel so much?

Just know that when you two do meet, enjoy every moment of it. You obviously love this girl very much, and I can sense that she has some vibe that makes her so welcoming to you.

The scent of a woman, I don't blame you man, it is freaking addicting.

I haven't seen you around much around the forums (maybe I'm not looking good enough), but welcome to Dream Views!

**ColdCrisis** · 03-04-2012 12:32 AM

Originally Posted by Linkzelda41

Just know that when you two do meet, enjoy every moment of it. You obviously love this girl very much, and I can sense that she has some vibe that makes her so welcoming to you.

The scent of a woman, I don't blame you man, it is freaking addicting.

I haven't seen you around much around the forums (maybe I'm not looking good enough), but welcome to Dream Views!

I do love her more than anything else,even more than i love bacon...And thats something!

Its just a smell that can make me relive so many days in just one splitsecond.

Im fairly new but i already like this place alot!

**Linkzelda** · 03-04-2012 12:34 AM

Originally Posted by ColdCrisis

I do love her more than anything else,even more than i love bacon...And thats something!

Its just a smell that can make me relive so many days in just one splitsecond.

Im fairly new but i already like this place alot!

Bacon1?!?!? Oh man, wait till you meet Anderj101!

He has some wonderful displays of bacon and food in the Post pictures of your food thread.

**SpaceCowboyDave** · 03-04-2012 12:37 AM

Originally Posted by ColdCrisis

I do love her more than anything else,even more than i love bacon...And thats something!

Its just a smell that can make me relive so many days in just one splitsecond.

Im fairly new but i already like this place alot!

More than you love bacon? I need a girl like that!

**ColdCrisis** · 03-04-2012 12:43 AM

She can cook like its nothing...thats why i love the source of tasty foods more than the food itself

**OpheliaBlue** · 03-04-2012 03:26 AM

Aly shot me.

Then Zhaylin hugged me.

So Zhaylin hugged a dead body, hehe

**Solarflare** · 03-04-2012 03:49 AM

Originally Posted by Erii

Just finished the last book in the hunger games series. They were so good. Such a bitter sweet feeling...I teared up even. I'm having post book depression. I just got over my post death note depression xD ugh at least movies of the hunger games are coming out but seriously, I don't know what to do with my life right now.

I.... Can't... Fucking... Find.... Them....

**tommo** · 03-04-2012 04:57 AM

Originally Posted by greenhavoc

you curse too much, tommo.

I don't swear so much IRL. Probably still too much though. But I've started saying the most obscene things I can
think of to these idiot drivers recently. I never even used to honk my horn at them, just acknowledged their idiocy and kept driving.
But it's just too satisfying. When you've been hit twice within a couple of months, taking days of your time all up getting your car fixed, it becomes difficult to stay calm.
I realise rich people may not have the same problem, coz you'll just buy a new car or whatever, but try and think of it from a middle class perspective.

I do swear too much though probably. I'm working on it.

cbf reading all your posts today guys, so

**greenhavoc** · 03-04-2012 05:16 AM

my parent's wealth has nothing to do with mine, tommo. don't do that again, prick.

**OpheliaBlue** · 03-04-2012 05:38 AM

eaaaasy Jackson

**OpheliaBlue** · 03-04-2012 06:02 AM

half head man scares me

**tommo** · 03-04-2012 06:06 AM

Originally Posted by greenhavoc

my parent's wealth has nothing to do with mine, tommo. don't do that again, prick.

You swear too much man.

Last time I heard you haven't had to work for 10 years because of your parent's wealth. So I'd say it does have something to do with you.
I wasn't criticising you, it was a valid observation. Maybe you don't understand, that's all I was saying.

**Zhaylin** · 03-04-2012 06:23 AM

heh- my hug must've brought you back to life

I am in a creative/cleaning mood but I am quickly running out of steam despite the caffeine pill I took an hour ago or so.
I got most of my metal shelving unit cleaning and organized as well as the corner between my wall and glass cabinet. I filled a basket with dirty clothes and a bag with stuff for Goodwill. Now I need to tackle the area underneath the built in shelves, I need to take down the blanket that I use as a curtain so it can be washed, I need to dust and get the cobwebs off the walls.
But all in all, I've gotten a lot accomplished today for a change. I even did a load of laundry and hung it up outside.

I listened to The Phantom of the Opera and now I'm starting Les Miserables. It's my goal to keep working until the musical is over.

My son's been calling me obsessed because I've been singing along with the songs. All of them

I've not listened to them in years but I still know almost all the words to each of them. But only while the music is playing. Once it's silent, I can't remember crap

Why is that? It annoys me greatly.

Ah well, back to work...

to everyone in need.

**EDIT**
There's ANOTHER housefly in my room. GRRRRR! I already smooched one of them (with my bare hand

) and now another one shows up.

**melanieb** · 03-04-2012 06:58 AM

@Tommo: I'm lucky, my rearview mirror automatically dims when bright light are behind me. It helps most of the time. Doesn't help with the lights facing me. What's really bad is that Austin is becoming like China with the affinity for bikes.

@Carrot: Life is hard no matter who you are, but add in those homosexual desires and suddenly you become public enemy no.1 People will try to hurt you for the rest of your life. Trust me, considering my gender status, I know there will always be someone who hates what you are.
...and yet....you still should be true to yourself. Living without personal happiness and honesty is no life at all. I hid my secret for far too long, even from myself, and it caused a lot of pain, but I'm glad I can be me. I just wouldn't want to see you hide from yourself because those around you want you to conform to their ideals. Living the lie will hurt far more than dealing with the pains of now.

@everyone: All girls should come with bacon, so the choice of which is better need never be made.

@Link: Dream a little dream of me...or for me...or whatever.

@Oldsparta: I have had that toe surgery. It's anticlimactic. But it works.

@zhaylin: I spent today cleaning a lot also. High-five! But you shouldn't "smooch" a housefly, they have very tiny lips. Try smooshing or smashing them instead.

I need to pull together some cash. My daughter is losing teeth left and right (or top and bottom) and I need to pony up some sweet tooth fairy jingle. I wonder if she'll accept quarters??

**melanieb** · 03-04-2012 07:18 AM

Aaarrrrr, I tried booking a hotel for Friday and the system says it can't process my request at this time.

WTF???!!! Are the computers down in Arizona? Has the internet stopped working? Am I just complaining about nothing?

Yeah, it's probably that last one.

Still....AAAHHHHH!!!!

**Zhaylin** · 03-04-2012 07:30 AM

ROFL

hehe- nice catch Melanie

I smooshed that sucker!

Have fun hunting down money. If she's a wee one, I'm sure quarters would be more than fine

I got the floor area clean but now I need to clean all of the shelving units again

as well as the glass cabinet

I'm not even going to attempt to dust tonight. I'm going to buy a few more cans of paint later so I can get some more of my wall done- I'll dust then because I also have to wash down my walls.

I'm a little annoyed because my throat is finally sore from too much singing

And I'm thoroughly annoyed that the only Les Mis I could get over iTunes (eons ago) is NOT the one I like best. But I guess it is better than nothing at all.

**EDIT**
BAH! After 7 hours of cleaning and organizing my tiny room, it still looks like crap. And I quit with about 4 songs left. I'm pooped. But I'm also kind of hungry.
I'm annoyed because I have to use my crappy DSi camera because my real camera hasn't work in forever. Whenever I look at the pic on the DS, it looks perfect. But as soon as I upload it, it's grainy or fuzzy or something else is somehow wrong with it.