Thread: Open Relationships

Seems legit to me. I think if you're mature and truly want to be in an open relationship then problems like jealous won't exist. They're probably just as healthy as monogamous relationships. Shared preference doesn't necessarily change the stability of relationships, do they? Interesting question.

Greedy.

I dun like them and no, I couldn't take the jealousy (though I wouldn't express it) but I wouldn't get in that situation in the first place sooo idklol. But really, when has an open relationship really lasted with anyone >___>

I don't care if both people are cool with it, or if jealousy isn't an issue: if your partner isn't good enough for you in such a way that you need extra emotional/sexual fulfillment from elsewhere, then you're with the wrong person. I mean, think about it. There's gotta be a reason why we were made so that we can only have sex with one person at a given time. Relationships are meant to be directly monogamous, the relationship can't and shouldn't be defined by any other variables in the equation.

Originally Posted by Puffin

I mean, think about it. There's gotta be a reason why we were made so that we can only have sex with one person at a given time.

The thing is we're not made that way, monogamous relationships are at least largely culturally induced. Everyone is uniquely incomplete from perfect, with their own pros and cons. It's inevitable that other people are going to have attractive qualities that aren't in your partner, but that doesn't mean you should leave that person, or not strictly keep the other people at a friend/acquaintance level.

With that said, a monogamous relationship till death seems like a very difficult thing to accomplish, but I'm still willing to strive for that vision naive as it may be. I couldn't deal with an open relationship, something like that would probably have to lead to an indefinite break or something.

There was a news special on this a while back. This one girl was living with two guys and I guess they were making it work. One was older and more responsible and the other was younger and I guess a little more outgoing. They took turns going out with her and had basically a sex schedule. She had a kid with the younger guy, and I think the older guy wanted to have one as well, but she didn't.

Anyway it was very interesting to say the least. The only way I could do that is if it were a distant relationship. And it really couldn't mean much. If it ever got to the pont where it would mean something, then we'd both better be ready to lock it in or make a complete break.

I doubt I could be in an open relationship. Jealousy would ruin me.

You humans are so silly

Things are not made to last in this world. Open relationship or not, just do whatever you are comfortable with. If you're not separated by friction, then you will be by death.

Originally Posted by Sornaensis

Greedy.

It's greedy to share..?

I see no problem with it; especially if it's a married couple who just wants to try some new things. If I had children and wasn't entirely satisfied with my marriage, I think I'd be OK with an open relationship before divorce; divorce takes a big toll on children.

If two people are totally cool with an open relationship for the benefit of their marriage, I think it's a fine idea.

I think it's interesting that most people seem to look down at open relationships as though they're immoral. In my opinion, an open relationship shows more maturity than a monogamous one. It is not greedy, it is love free of clinging. Rather than use a relationship as a means to possess someone so you don't feel alone, it is used as it is supposed to be used, an outlet to give affection and raise children.

To me an open relationship means the love is more pure and unconditional than a monogamous one, it means you love your partner so much that you can set them free, it means you trust your partner so much you can share them.

There are many misconceptions about open relationships, one misconception is that the partners don't really love each other. They love each other just as much as a monogamous couple would but they realize their possessiveness and jealousy is their issue, not their partner's issue. They realize happiness is not based upon owning someone, happiness is based upon one's ability to enjoy life.

Another misconception is that open couples don't get jealous. They still get very jealous, as jealous as any other human being, but they do not believe this jealousy is justified due to a marriage contract or an exchange of "I love yous" or anything else. They consider jealousy to be their own problem, not their partner's problem.

Another misconception is that open couples practice infidelity, cuckoldry or sexual promiscuity. Open couples also discuss and gain the approval of their partner for every new relationship they engage in and are typically just as selective with their mates as the average monogamous couple, they just don't lock themselves to one person.

Another misconception is that open relationships are all swingers going to orgies and what not. Polyamorous couples usually don't mix with swingers because swingers implies an exchange of partners where each partner is more or less obligated to have sex with a stranger, meaning there's an element of sexual promiscuity and a lack of sexual selectivity involved. Polyamorous couples can be just as selective as regular couples, and have a problem mixing with swingers because swingers often expect sex while a polyamorous person would rather see where things are going and if they build up the necessary trust to have sex then great but pussy isn't automatically on the table.

Another misconception is that open couples are only open because they cannot be satisfied by their partner. The thing is, as a male when I have a girlfriend my sexual drive does not turn off for every other girl around me. I still get crushes and typically have to repress these urges because I don't want to endanger my current relationship, which I don't think is healthy. Even if my hypothetical polyamorous GF were to deny me the ability to have sex with a particular person, the fact is I could accept and embrace my attraction to her, whether or not I could have her. And the whole point of a polyamorous relationship is that the partner be able to fully embrace their urges, so if my GF did not approve a crush of mine without a good reason, she's doing it wrong.

Furthermore trying to use one person to satisfy all your needs can be taxing on that person, and people have ups and downs so they're not always on the same wavelength, one can be aroused while the other has had a shitty day and is not in the mood. Sharing your needs with multiple people lifts the burden on your primary mate, and less pressure for you to take care of all their needs, as well.

In my opinion, an open relationship shows more maturity than a monogamous one.

Do you also think that being bisexual shows more maturity, than being heterosexual/homosexual? What you have to keep in mind, is how different we all are, when it comes to sexuality, sexual orientation and so on. It is very easy to make the assumption that people who have a sexuality different from yours, simply aren't as mentally developed as you. People of all sexual orientations do this all the time. Personally, I can have a hard time understanding why homosexuals and heterosexuals only like the one gender. For me, I love the person for what they are, not what bits they have. Do I then have a more developed sense of love? No. For some reason my brain is just wired to like both genders.

You say that being able to have an open relationship shows that you are not greedy, because you are okay with sharing your partner with others. But isn't it a sign of greed, that you need to have more than one partner?
I'm not saying you are greedy though, I'm just using your argumentation. You are putting another love philosophy in a bad light, as if it is worse or more restrained, but the truth is that they are both very different and they come with different benefits and perks. It's very important that you stay critical of yourself when thinking of these matters, because otherwise you will be well on your way to bigotry.

Look I was not recommending everyone have an open relationship. But I do believe the difference in one's ability to have an open relationship is based on maturity, and that just because people are in a relationship that doesn't make jealousy any more justified than if they were not. Maturity is exemplified by the fact that one can be happy by enjoying life rather than by clinging to this illusion that they have a special someone to care for them. When one is secure enough not to need to hold up the illusion that they own someone and that there's a difference between having a special someone and not having someone, then they're ready for an open relationship. Not so they can fuck around and be with whoever they want, but simply to free themselves from their own possessiveness.

I don't think its related to bisexuality. I think I covered that point pretty well by going over the misconceptions, it's not related to sexuality, it's related to trust and unconditional affection for people which enables someone to be able to tolerate sharing their partner. It's not like swinging, infidelity, cuckoldry or anything else in that vein. For me to believe bisexuality is always more mature than hetero/homosexuality would mean I'd have to believe that everyone is inertly bisexual already and simply repressing themselves. On the otherhand, I do believe someone who is bisexual and has embraced both sides of their sexuality is more mature than someone who is bisexual and ignoring half their sexual orientation.

By saying "people in open relationships are more mature", you are also implying that open relationships are better. They are not. They are different. Some people might enjoy an open relationship more, than they would enjoy a monogamous relationship and vice versa. This preference has to do with what people expect from their partner and what they want to give to them. For me, I want to be everything I can be, for the person I love. I want to be enough. And I want that person to feel that way as well. That they can be everything that I want. For that reason, I have no desire for an open relationship. You could say that this is greedy or immature. In my opinion, it's just a different preference, just like how homosexuality is a different preference. It doesn't have anything to do with how well developed we are. It's just a difference that is present in people.

Open relationships are indeed a taboo topic though, and our society definitely goes a long way to make it look bad. But that doesn't mean everyone at some level could be in an open relationship. It's still a preference, just like everything else, and it's important that you don't put yourself above others, simply because of such a distinction in preference.

But you're misquoting me. My opinion is not that people in an open relationship are more mature because they're fucking around. My opinion is that open relationships show more maturity because that means the partners have moved beyond their possessiveness of each other and are able to give love to each other freely without expecting something in return. I don't know how hard I have to stress this point in order to get it across, but I do not believe that an open relationship is better than a monogamous one in every case. I simply believe that being possessive of your partner is a display of immaturity, not an emblem of the intensity of your love for each other.

Wanting the pressure of taking care of every one of your partners needs all the time is not a sign of immaturity. The immaturity comes into play when people believe their relationship is what makes them happy rather than their own ability to enjoy life and love their partner. This turns the love from something pure and unconditional into something conditional and possessive. It turns the relationship into a negative atmosphere lacking in trust. There's no reason to believe that an open relationship is always more mature than a monogamous one. But there is a reason to believe that partners with enough trust for each other they could tolerate an open relationship are more mature than partners who do not have that trust in each other.

My opinion is that open relationships show more maturity because that means the partners have moved beyond their possessiveness of each other and are able to give love to each other freely without expecting something in return.

My opinion is that bisexuals show more maturity, because that means the individual has moved beyond their superficial preference of one gender over the other, and can freely love anyone for who they are, not what they are.

That is not actually my opinion, but it's an opinion that is just as valid as yours, that is to say, not valid at all. Your opinion makes assumptions about monogamous people, that simply aren't true. For (most) monogamous people, loving a person isn't about owning them or being possesive, it's about being everything for that person and that person reciprocating those feelings. This isn't a matter of maturity, this is a matter of what we prefer in a relationship. If I couldn't have such a strong, personal and intimate bond with a person, it wouldn't be the kind of love I was looking for.

What I am getting, is that you say you can also have these bonds, but with more people. I commend this, and that's good for you, but I prefer to keep it to one person. That's just how I am. Just like how I'm bisexual. It's not a lack of maturity, and it doesn't make me a less mature person than you, because I don't have the same preferences as you do, when it comes to romantic relationships.

How many times am I going to have to repeat myself here? Everything you said about my opinion is wrong.

For instance, you claimed

For (most) monogamous people, loving a person isn't about owning them or being possesive, it's about being everything for that person and that person reciprocating those feelings.

I claimed

Wanting the pressure of taking care of every one of your partners needs all the time is not a sign of immaturity. The immaturity comes into play when people believe their relationship is what makes them happy rather than their own ability to enjoy life and love their partner.

You claimed

It's not a lack of maturity, and it doesn't make me a less mature person than you, because I don't have the same preferences as you do, when it comes to romantic relationships.

I claimed

There's no reason to believe that an open relationship is always more mature than a monogamous one. But there is a reason to believe that partners with enough trust for each other they could tolerate an open relationship are more mature than partners who do not have that trust in each other.

So if you look at what I actually say, you'll see we agree with each other.

But there is a reason to believe that partners with enough trust for each other they could tolerate an open relationship are more mature than partners who do not have that trust in each other.

This isn't a sign of maturity though. It's just a sign of people who have different stances regarding relationships and love. You are simply sacrificing the benefits of a monogamous relationship, to reap the benfits of an open relationship. Being able to do that takes a certain character. Not some arbitrary level of maturity.

You're acting like someone in an open relationship is attracted to a different type of relationship than someone into a monogamous one. They're not. It's the same type of person, not someone with a weird sexual fetish where they get off on watching their partner do it with other people. That has nothing to do with it. All the same love is involved, all the same trust, it just goes further, into unconditional love. Someone with enough trust in their partner to set their partner free of the confines of a monogamous relationship is more mature than someone who is not as willing. If the partners decide, despite their freedom, to stick only to each other because that's all they desire, then they are just as mature whether or not they actively explore their options, as I have repeated several times.

Take me personally. I don't like fucking around on a girl, I don't want to hurt her or make her feel jealous or anything. All I want to is to care and love her as much as I am possibly able to. I was never the type of guy to screw around, I'm not any more suited for a polyamorous relationship than anyone else. I simply grew to learn that the standard relationship I was interested in was based upon my insecurity, and that I only hurt myself by using another person to be feel good about myself.

You're acting like the majority of relationships do not involve possessiveness when they do. Let me ask you something, if your partner left you tomorrow how would you feel? Would you feel empty? Like a void opened up again that was being filled by your partner? Polyamory reminds you never to get comfortable with the feeling of possession, to always seek to be happy and complete as an individual and from there giving and receiving love freely and unconditionally, whether that's with one person or more than one. The vast majority of relationships I encountered which appear healthy are still based upon a basic agreement not to trigger each other's jealousy. Whether or not you actually practice polyamory does not invalidate the only single point I have tried to make this entire thread, jealousy is your problem caused by your own insecurity, it is not a justified feature of a relationship.

I used to be adamantly opposed to open relationships (ultra conservative upbringing) but I kind of 180'd some time last year. It's totally possible for someone to have two partners and love them equally - just like most people love their parents (or kids) equally - and as log as everyone in the relationship is being cared for, I don't see anything wrong with it.

Personally, I think I might be up for it but it's very unlikely. I mean I can imagine myself falling for two girls that are both absolutely perfect and then not being able to pick one over the other. If they were fine with a polygamous relationship and there was at least some sort of familial love between them (if not romantic), I'd probably go for it. But again, that's very unlikely. As far as sex is concerned though, I think threesome's are kind of weird so I'm not sure how that would work out. =/

I don't think I'd be up for "sharing" my partner with another guy though. I don't know why, but it'd make me uncomfortable. I might try it for a while (incredibly unlikely though) just to see if there was any chance that she'd pick me over him (dick-move, I know) but I'd probably want out after a month or two.

Originally Posted by Omnis Dei

You're acting like someone in an open relationship is attracted to a different type of relationship than someone into a monogamous one. They're not. It's the same type of person, not someone with a weird sexual fetish where they get off on watching their partner do it with other people. That has nothing to do with it.

Please don't try to pretend that I am being degrading towards open relationships. I perfectly understand what it is, and I have nowhere in my posts indicated that what you just wrote was what I understood as an open relationship.

All the same love is involved, all the same trust, it just goes further, into unconditional love. Someone with enough trust in their partner to set their partner free of the confines of a monogamous relationship is more mature than someone who is not as willing.

But how can you say that? How can you know that? Maturity isn't something that you measure on a scale. Maturity has nothing to do with this. This has to do with preferences. For you, it makes you feel better, that you can allow your loved one to love others. You feel like a better person for having that capacity.

You're acting like the majority of relationships do not involve possessiveness when they do. Let me ask you something, if your partner left you tomorrow how would you feel? Would you feel empty? Like a void opened up again that was being filled by your partner? Polyamory reminds you never to get comfortable with the feeling of possession, to always seek to be happy and complete as an individual and from there giving and receiving love freely and unconditionally, whether that's with one person or more than one. The vast majority of relationships I encountered which appear healthy are still based upon a basic agreement not to trigger each other's jealousy. Whether or not you actually practice polyamory does not invalidate the only single point I have tried to make this entire thread, jealousy is your problem caused by your own insecurity, it is not a justified feature of a relationship.

As I explained earlier, in a relationship, I want to be everything that person needs. I want to feel adequate, that I enrich that person's life, and I want that to be mutual. If I suddenly stop being adequate, I become jealous, because I am suddenly not enough anymore, I am not good enough for that person. And that makes me sad, jealous.
If my partner left me, I would feel sad. I would feel like a part of what defines me has left me, because that person was indeed a part of my life. I cannot imagine how you would move away from these feelings in a relationship, without a lot of sacrifice, sacrifices that I wouldn't be willing to accept.

Take me personally. I don't like fucking around on a girl, I don't want to hurt her or make her feel jealous or anything. All I want to is to care and love her as much as I am possibly able to. I was never the type of guy to screw around, I'm not any more suited for a polyamorous relationship than anyone else. I simply grew to learn that the standard relationship I was interested in was based upon my insecurity, and that I only hurt myself by using another person to be feel good about myself.

I moved this to the bottom of the post, because I felt it was the most important part of your post.
From what you are saying, it is very understandable that you see your self as a more developed/mature person, because you initially saw your stance towards relationships as a weakness, something that was worse. Personally, I think it's just as mature to accept this insecurity as a part of you and not an insecurity, rather than struggling with it, in order to prove to yourself that you are a better person. You are laying down arbitrary lines and criteria that you want to attain. Your premise is that reaching these criteria and living by them, makes you a better person, a more mature person. This is, in my opinion, a bad way to go about your life and understanding and developing your own personality. Again, I draw lines to bisexuality and homo/heterosexuality. Bisexuality is, by your line of thought, a more mature orientation. I don't agree with that.

To some people, maturity would be a monogamous relationship, but to others, maturity is the ability to become intimate with more than one person. Different strokes for different folks.

I don't think I'd WANT to be in an open relationship, but I know people who are, and who are still happily married with children. It works for them, so why would we call that immature? As long as they are together for their children, and the children are growing up in a loving home, I don't see a problem with the occasional extra-marital fling.

I think I perform/feel better as a partner in a closed relationship, and so I seek out those who I believe also perform/feel better in a closed relationship.

Simple, no?