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Drinking from The Grail
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
There are a bunch of monks walking away from Christ on the cross. The first monk is holding the Holy Grail. I fly down, as a lion-man. "Give me that shit!" I say, grabbing the Holy Grail. There is nothing in it. I turn it upside down. "Hey what gives?"
I look at the Christ. It's a wax figure. The monks are animatronic robots. The Grail is a plastic cup.
Then, I see a bunch of tourists looking at me, and taking pictures. We are in a wax museum.
"What the hell are you looking at?" I summon champagne, and take a sip. It's way too sweet. "I hope this counts!" I change it into red wine, and drink deep.
"Ah, this is good. Want some?" The tourists look at me suspiciously.
I multiply the grails, then make them turn into gold, and pass them out to the tourists. They take pictures, and sip the wine.
I sing, "Drinking the blood of Jesus, Drinking it straight from his veins!"
They cough and spit out the wine. "Drink up, it's just wine. It's just a song. Drink everyone."
"No, you freaked us out, weirdo."
"You're all a bunch of DC's aren't you?"
"Yes!"
I sigh, and make them disappear.
I teleport to Golgotha. People are mouring Christ, but he is not dead. A Roman soldier stabs him in the side with a spear. Mary Magdelene runs over with a cup, and catches the blood in it. I am terrified. "Fuck this!" I say to myself, and teleport away to a Mount Sinai.
I am sitting on the Mountain, looking down at the horrorific scene. It disappears and fades away.
Christ appears next to me. He is glowing. "Hello Nathan. Would you like to drink my blood?"
"Hell no, Jesus! No offense, but you are freaking me out, man!"
"Well, why don't we just smoke a doob then?"
"Uh... really?"
"I never lie," Christ laughs. He pulls out a smal burlap bag. He takes out some cannabis buds, and rolls them into a fat joint. He blows fire out of his mouth, and lights it. He takes a puff.
"Ah, that's the shit. Good stuff I made here," he laughs and hands it to me.
I take a puff, and hold it in. "So, you really are a hippie?"
"The first one! Peace and love, man, and I am serious about it."
"I know. But, why did you have to die, and be a human sacrifice."
"Oh it was an experiment."
"Uh... what?" We pass the joint back and forth.
"Well, I wanted to see if I could become corporeal after dying, and it worked!"
"Cool, Jesus!"
"I know, right, it is pretty cool. It's going to be even cooler when I ascend."
"Didn't you do that already?"
"Yes, but you traveled back in time, Gift."
"Why did you just call me that?"
"We are speaking Hebrew!"
"Oh, really? Wow."
"So, Jesus..."
"Yes?"
"I want to know, are you really the Son of God?"
"Yes, we all are. That's what I have been trying to tell everyone!"
"Well, okay, but, I mean, what is special about you."
"Oh, nothing and everything. I just found my inner Buddha."
"Uh... okay?"
"You'll learn in time, Mr. Gift. Anyway, here's the real Holy Grail, if you want to take a sip." He summons the Holy Grail, and scoops some water from a nearby stream. He changes it into wine. "Take a drink!"
He hands it to me. It's the most delicious wine I have ever tasted in my life.
"Thanks Christ!" He disappears.
"Hmm..." I say. I bite my arm, and bleed into the Grail.
I drink my own blood from it.
Raven appears. "Nomad? What the hell are you doing?"
MoSh appears. "Dude, that is fucked up!"
"What, I wanted to see what would happen!"
Demons come, and grab me by the arms, and carry me away to a high place.
"I can't bear to look!" Raven says, and turns away.
I am with Satan on a Mountain.
"Why don't you turn loaves into bread?"
"Don't you mean stones?"
"Yeah. That."
"Okay!" I say, and turn stones into bread. I eat them. There's gravel inside. It tastes like sawdust. I spit it out.
"Aha!" Satan says. "You have eaten the unholy bread."
"Whatever, dude, I spit it out. It sucked."
"Hmm, come with me." He teleports us to the temple.
"If you really are the Son of God, why don't you throw yourself down."
"Okay!"
I jump off the temple. People run and scream. I hit the ground, and stand up, dusting myself off.
"It's cool, it's cool. It's just a dream!" I laugh. The people put their hands on their chests and breathe a sigh of relief. "Hey... are you DC's?" I ask suspiciously.
"Yes."
"I'm not!" one guy says, raising his hand.
"Whoah! Who are you?"
"Elijah."
"Oh, the fiery chariot guy. You didn't die! Was that a spacecraft?"
"Yes, exactly."
"C'mere, you!" Satan says.
He takes me back to the Mountain, and shows me a bunch of kingdoms in images.
"All these I will give to you, if you just bow down to me."
"Dude, lame! I already have my own kingdom and shit I made up... a bunch of DC's are my only worshippers of course. Anyway, what would I do with a bunch of kingdoms? Boring."
"Don't you speak to me so dismissively? Do you know who I am? I am Satan, bitch!"
I grab Satan's head, and knee him in the forehead, then I smack the back of his head to the ground. He coughs up blood. "Who's bowing to the false god, now, bitch? Not only that, you are bowing to nothing, idiot!"
"Hey screw you, man!"
"You're just another dreamer, aren't you?" I pull back his hood. It's Sarnox. He stands up. The blood disappears. "Gotcha!" he says.
"Oh, you goofball!" I say.
"Did you really think Satan talks like that? C'mon!" We both start lauging our asses off.
"Wait? What about the demons?"
"Oh, one was Koomo, and the other was Jo. This whole dream is a big joke."
Jo runs up, a lizard creature, and licks me. Koomo alight down and laughs at me. I blush.
"Damn, I guess I have a lot to learn."
"We even put a blood packet on you, because we knew you wanted to drink your own blood, you weirdo."
"So what did I drink?"
"Watered down ketchup."
"Wait, what about Christ? Who was he?"
"Your inner Buddha, your Cosmic Christ, and an aspect of Jesus himself."
"Cool!"
I laugh at myself. I am still laughing when I wake up.
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