Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Originally Posted by DeeryTheDeer

I've read that "stand-offish" body language usually stems from low self-esteem and shyness, and I heartily agree. I don't feel like any guys ever notice me or ever find me attractive when they see me, most of the time. I feel like most of them must be grimacing with disgust when they see me walk by, especially if they're attractive to me. It's not like I'm a bitch or don't care, I just have a really hard time feeling like I'm worth a guy's attention, so I feel like a total gross idiot if I EVER tried to flirt with a guy, or even look at him directly in the eye for too long. I feel like he'd easily find me disgusting or weird.

Yea, I believe they way you see yourself in the mirror and the way others see you can be two completely different things. I think the way you look isn't even that important; it's how you 'hold' yourself. If you look in the mirror and think, say, your eyes are too far apart, you'll then feel self-conscious about it and unconsciously portray that feeling. This creates the stand-off-ish body language, which in turn validates your original opinion of "my eyes are too far apart." But it really all just stems from you own personal believes, which in reality are often utter bullshit.

Still, it's hard to get passed that. I don't necessarily worry about physical abuse, but I don't always think I'm perfect-looking. I label parts of myself as 'faults,' and I portray that to others unconsciously. And those silly believes just get validated when I get rejected, which most likely has nothing to do with what I consider my faults, but rather from the way I hold myself BECAUSE I think I have those faults. Still, knowing (or at least believing) this doesn't make approaching women much easier. You really just need to love yourself, and that's sometimes really hard to do.


Anyway, I feel like this post was a downer. Not trying to bring down the mood; my brain's just feeling fried. At school, I was working on some problems. I'd stare at it a while, get one piece done, then stare at it for a while longer. Then I'd forget where I was, stare at it somewhere until I realized what to do next, and then stare at it some more until I got lost again. Bah, sleep. I probably need more. Or just more coffee.

Raves:
Hubby wasn't happy about going out. He had to deal with lawyers this morning. I tried to tell him we could put it off, no problem, but he gave in... but I started getting irritated at myself for irritating him. He wanted to leave in 20 minutes. I had my nice outfit set aside (the only truly clean thing left in my wardrobe). I put it on and then couldn't find my boots. I stormed back to my daughters room to ask her if she took them but she wasn't here. I asked Miley if she took them. I tore up my room looking for them... gave up and changed clothes with 5 minutes left for my makeup... The kittens were crying, Squirmy was anxious, the kids picked up on my mood and were ill at ease because I'm never this uptight.

I got in the car with hubby and told him: "You're not allowed to be cranky because if you are, I'll start crying because I'm having a rotten afternoon." He asked why and I told him, including how much of a butthole I'll feel like when I find my boots buried in my room somewhere, and how I felt guilty for taking charge of the day to tell him how to spend his hard earned money on me.
He put me at ease and we had a great time.
See.. there WAS a rave in there

Not only did he get my coils... he got 10 5 packs of coils to sell to me as I need them so I don't have to worry about racing to the Mall... he put $20. into my gas tank AND got me a tube a lipstick. Then we ate Sushi before coming home.

Now for a rant I was so flustered before heading out that I forgot to take my anti-diarhea med.
I SPED home and I still almost didn't make it inside. I have since visited the throne 3 times and I feel miserable. I'm clammy, shaky, feel like vomiting and gah- the cramps are the worst.
Never again will I forget that med!!!!!!!!!
And now I feel like crashing but I have a mountain of dirty clothes on my bed from my frantic search for my boots. Plus, I have to pick up my son at midnight. Plus, my dog is outside my door whining because she's not allowed in here with the babies.

But despite the rants and the rough start, today has been wonderful.

Hope you did without the coffee, Sefalik and are having sweet dreams

Rant: I kinda screwed up my Chinese oral SAC, I had a random choice out of 3 topics and I just had to get the one I wasn't very well prepared for I got all tongue tied and forgot and some stuff... Hopefully I at least pass and can move on.
Rave: It's the weekend! I'm going to a uni open day tomorrow and it looks like it'll be lots of fun.

Originally Posted by Tiresias

You need a therapist. This is not a healthy way to live at all. I have lived in areas with a lot of rough violence, like in New Orleans where there was pride on January 2nd, when only 3 or 4 people were murdered, setting their numbers lower for the year. I don't carry a weapon, and I have never felt unsafe.

Well, no offense, and I know you won't like hearing this, but you're a man. You have less to fear than if you're a woman. You have no idea what it's like. That's just reality, sadly. Do you think Louis CK is also insane and invalid?

If you automatically assume all men have a penchant towards violence, you will never be comfortable or happy.

This is true, but it's hard to shake off a slight feeling of dread whenever I see a guy I'm about to go on a date with (maybe it's an online dating "unknown" thing, I don't know. I should really stop online dating). I'm trying, though. If anything, this has all been some good introspection and growth.

Do you work? Does this affect that?

Yes, I have a job and a life, believe it or not. I'm not a do-nothing nutcase. I'm not at all worried about any guys that I'm not going on a date with. I'm worried about strange guys I've never met before except online. I probably won't be dating again for a while, though. I always feel guilty taking even an hour out of my day to go on a date because there is just so much shit I have to do, to work on my personal projects (which I ALWAYS beat myself up over not doing), to get some kind of a career going, to pretty much do anything productive in my life.

Mini-rant: the dogs pushed down my garden gate to run around in my garden, and also bolt out the back fence and roam the neighborhood. The neighbor lady had to ring my doorbell and tell me she put my dogs back in my backyard. It's literally like their only mission in life is to destroy my garden at all costs (which I'm trying to use to supply most, if not all of my food needs). I'm REALLY trying to be a calm, humane dog owner right now.

Of course, he probably shouldn't have been so blunt, lol, but just because someone suggests you see a therapist doesn't mean they think you're crazy or your fears aren't valid. You just seem to be overwhelmed and somewhat paralyzed by fear. And when you brought up your mom, it's easier to see why. Talking to a professional *could* help.

Dog's are wonderful that way aren't they It's great you have such a nice neighbor. Your garden sounds amazing. Do you can what you grow or just use it as it comes in?

Blair. Hope you did better than you think.
Enjoy the weekend

I can relate to Deery's concerns. I'd always carry pepper spray if I go on a date with someone new. Not that I'm anticipating a situation where I need to use it, but it's more like a security blanket. Puts me at ease, knowing it's there.

I enjoy physical contact as long as they're gentle, I just detest rough touching.

Originally Posted by Tiresias

My retina detached and none of the doctors caught it before it damaged the optic nerve. I went through five surgeries, one of which failed was very bad.

I think it is genetic as my nurse for the one that failed was my mom's cousin with the same thing as did my dad's nephew.

Ah, that sucks. Mine's got to do with optic nerve damage as well, but not detached retina.
Surgery for eyes seems like it fails a lot. Can't wait for bionic ones!

Originally Posted by DeeryTheDeer

I've read that "stand-offish" body language usually stems from low self-esteem and shyness, and I heartily agree. I don't feel like any guys ever notice me or ever find me attractive when they see me, most of the time. I feel like most of them must be grimacing with disgust when they see me walk by, especially if they're attractive to me. It's not like I'm a bitch or don't care, I just have a really hard time feeling like I'm worth a guy's attention, so I feel like a total gross idiot if I EVER tried to flirt with a guy, or even look at him directly in the eye for too long. I feel like he'd easily find me disgusting or weird. Also, it's hard to feel safe with a guy when you feel like ANY guy you're trying to date could potentially be a rapist/stalker/abusive creep. It happens all the time. My mom was always super protective and fearful of me ever going out on my own, and when I first when on dates she absolutely NEEDED to know his full name, age, phone number, address, where we were going, how long I'd be staying, call often, etc, because she consistently expected the worst from any man who was with me. Now, don't you think any of that factors into why I don't trust men? Don't you think there's a real danger a lot of the time, given our society, and how violent and abusive MANY men are? I'm not saying my mom was right, but it has affected me. I'm just saying that men need to understand how dangerous it is for women to put themselves out there, and not be so judgmental, selfish or aggressive. Not all guys I dated were ever touchy feely like him, especially so early on in dating. In fact, most weren't.

Yeah you kind of have to realise your mum was way too paranoid and that has affected you.
Many men are violent/abusive, yes. But as a percentage? I'd say it's like 1% have ever hit a woman.
You'd have more chance of getting injured or killed driving to the date.

Online dating could potentially be more dangerous I guess. Maybe just work on meeting more people in general and then you'll meet guys that way through friends or something?

Originally Posted by tommo

Yeah you kind of have to realise your mum was way too paranoid and that has affected you.

Yeah, and she's still pretty paranoid, though not quite as much. Funny enough, the first time I tried marijuana at a band jam, I came back thinking she'd absolutely flip her shit if I admitted I took some. She asked me if I did and I said no. She said, "why not?"

Many men are violent/abusive, yes. But as a percentage? I'd say it's like 1% have ever hit a woman.
You'd have more chance of getting injured or killed driving to the date.

Where do you figure that only 1%?

Online dating could potentially be more dangerous I guess. Maybe just work on meeting more people in general and then you'll meet guys that way through friends or something?

Yeah, that sounds like the best idea by far. The more I chase, the less I ever get anything positive in return.

Rave: I got a TON done with my garden so far yesterday. Bought a 7' tall Elberta peach tree, four grape vines that I planted all next to the fence, dug out the sod along the fence and put in compost so I can sow nasturtiums, borage etc, and sheet mulched another huge section for gardening. I went to get a truck bed full of compost by myself. Tomorrow I'm gonna get another truck bed full of wood chips. I practically can't do anything else at this point, because nothing will grow without mulch, or at least constant watering, which I will not do. Gotta conserve.

And now we have puppies My poor room smells like some sort of third world birthing chamber
Actually, it's not all that bad, but I definitely need to scrub my floors again!! I'm going to leave mom and young alone for the night though and tackle it tomorrow... if I can sleep. I'll probably go nose "blind" soon, so that won't be a problem.

I was taking a nap earlier and her crying outside my door woke me up. She had stuffed herself into a cardboard box with a pillow in it. I knew she was in labor so I ordered her to get out of it and get in my room. She headed right underneath my desk... where 3 kittens were sleeping in their tuperware box She didn't even care. She plopped right down on top of them. I rescued them but now Squirmy and kittens alike are unhappy because their the ones locked out.
Gosh... it's been some 10 years or more since we had puppies. There are 6 or 7 And boy are they loud!

Hubby wants to go to lunch tomorrow at 11. Seeing how I'm not sleeping again until at least 7AM, that will be interesting. I've only gotten about 5 hours today as it is. When I finally crash, I hope it's hard and fast and I wake up refreshed.
Sonny has work tomorrow from 1-9... which again should be interesting. If we're at the restaurant by 11, we should be done and back in time.... or I can try to convince hubby to wait until 1. The restaurant and my sons job are in the same town. It's only a 15 minute drive each way, but the back and forth is unneeded if I have to be there at 1 anyhow...

I am not sleepy at all.
(Hopefully I just jinxed myself and will be sound asleep in 30 minutes That's how it seems to go anyhow.)

**EDIT**
She squished one of the babies so now I'm rearranging my room trying to make a bigger space available for her. There are now 6.
She's gone through 2 bottles of water and she's still panting. I guess I'll have to turn on the AC for her, the pups should stay warm enough.
I have to find her a bigger space.. but animals like "dens". I'll come up with something. If nothing else, I can get hubby's weed whacker from the neighbors and clean out our old kennels and move them there. We already have 1 doghouse. But they have a dirt floor so she can dig out or other things can dig in...

***EDIT***
I boxed in an area in my room and she seems okay with that. She's a little anxious (she digs when I'm sleeping), but okay if I'm awake. I feel special lol.... but I'd rather sleep I got in about 3-4 hours. Her digging kept waking me- that and the babies squealing. This is going to be a very interesting, sleep depriving experience.
I messaged her previous owner on FB and asked him where she whelped her previous litters.
I'm going to ask for a re-homing fee for the pups and use that money to get her fixed. I ran into her previous owner the other night at Walmart and he said she's had 5 litters already!!!!! Poor girl doesn't need to worry about this anymore.

I emailed hubby and asked if lunch at 1 would be okay and he said yeah... so at least that's taken care of.

Now I'm eagerly awaiting MOnday night... I get my allowance and WILL do my laundry this week. The kids will have to live on pasta and ramen. I've not washed my clothes since before the Early's Auction. My poor nightgown could probably stand on its own... I live in it. It's the only way to keep my clothes clean (and I really do love this night shirt )

I am in a super foul mood and almost depressed. Over something stupid.
Hubby bought me a fancy calligraphy set in a nice box when we first got together. I didn't use it, but I liked it. I stored it under a desk for "safe keeping".
My daughter was rambling about art and how she found a calligraphy box at the top of the closet in her room. She said it was in really bad shape and there was nothing inside of it and that Paula painted it.
Bull.Shit.
The part about it being in bad shape, I can see. It was under a desk, after all, and since storing it there, I've realized I get occasional water damage in the area.
In all honesty, I had forgotten about it. Why am I so upset that they repurposed it?

It's the packrat in me, I guess. Even if I don't use something or see it every day, it's MINE. I like to know it's still around. I'm fracking sick and tired of people taking my stuff.
But does it truly matter in the grand scheme of things? Absolutely not. So why am I allowing this crap to eat me up? I keep having bad dreams of fighting with my daughter and kicking her out because of her taking my stuff. It's affecting me on that deep a level and I despise that.
I shouldn't have to feel like I have to keep everything under lock and key. I understand that's only human. But I guess I'm egotistical and feel I'm more than human and that I should be above such "petty materialism". No. I'm not special
I friggin hate conflicting emotions and too much self honesty.

I give off such an air (sp) of total zen 90% of the time and see myself as kind and humble (with is usually the first sign of just the opposite ) But then life smacks me and I realize I'm just as materialistic and angry as most everyone else I'm just better than most at denying and hiding it. And seeing my human-ness saddens me... which continues the loop of self-loathing talk (depricating? sp), soothing my ego, tearing it down again and constantly rolling my eyes and grinning to myself at the silliness of it all.

All over a box.
Maybe this is just one of the side-effects of sleep deprivation
(Puppies and mom are doing wonderfully BTW)

A rave is that I went out with hubby today, but not for our usual lunch at the usual place. We always forget they're closed for lunch on Saturday. He was actually gun-ho to see a movie. We kept to our originally planned schedule, but dropped my son off just a few minutes earlier then went to the Mall, ate at the food court then watched "Ex Machina". It was actually very, very good. Most surprisingly, even hubby loved it. He's very hard to please when it comes to movies.

I've also been playing Minecraft today. I tried installing something to let me use my X-Box controller but it needs Java 7. I installed the latest Java (how have I been playing flash games without java? It wasn't on my computer at all ) but the controller app file still wont open. Using the keyboard isn't so bad with that game though.
I'm actually in the mood to play SIMS. I might buy it when my son gets his second paycheck. I have to do laundry and buy food for everyone this week, plus animal food, plus extra gas, plus Tylenol. I'll have no money to blow on anything this week.

Anyhow... guess I'll get back on Minecraft. I'm really loving 60FPS
Hope everyone is well.

(hehehe, I'm thinking about starting a drinking game with as many times as I type "actually", "but" and "so". I *really* need to find some new words )

Originally Posted by DeeryTheDeer

Where do you figure that only 1%?

Just random guess really. It may be higher, but it's still low. Just estimated based on people I've met, but obviously that's not a random sample.

Originally Posted by DeeryTheDeer

Yeah, that sounds like the best idea by far. The more I chase, the less I ever get anything positive in return.

Tell me about it....

Originally Posted by DeeryTheDeer

Rave: I got a TON done with my garden so far yesterday. Bought a 7' tall Elberta peach tree, four grape vines that I planted all next to the fence, dug out the sod along the fence and put in compost so I can sow nasturtiums, borage etc, and sheet mulched another huge section for gardening. I went to get a truck bed full of compost by myself. Tomorrow I'm gonna get another truck bed full of wood chips. I practically can't do anything else at this point, because nothing will grow without mulch, or at least constant watering, which I will not do. Gotta conserve.

Do you have you own place now? Or just planting in parent's garden?

I'm stuck with parent's garden atm.... my dream is to have my own land with enough space to just plant everything I want.
One of my best memories was going to a tropical area in my country and I saw these two people, presumably a couple but maybe just friends, working in their garden.
It was just so fucking amazing. These really steep hills behind the houses, warm and slightly humid air, green everywhere and large red flowers.
It epitomised the perfect life. If you could somehow make that work.... uwehgiuwheGLIWUEBGLWEKJB

I love the idea of gardening, but I'm too lazy... and dumb about what's what. You guys actually got me talking to hubby about gardening yesterday. I told him I never know what the yields would be. I always pictured planting, say, 1 potato seed and you get one potato out of it. One carrot seed equals 1 carrot. He was explaining that a lot of things grow in bushels and you can get multiple yields out of them. I told him, 'yeah... I never really thought about that. It would really suck if you got just one blueberry off a blueberry bush.'
I know about using pie pans to scar away birds and putting stockings over tomato plants and berries to keep things from eating them (or so I've heard), but growing the stuff? Forget it.

I'd be one of the first to go during the apocalypse.. then again, I already live off of garbage. Hook me up with slim jims and potato chips and other scroungables and I might just have a shot

Rant:
It looks like we're going to be moving house right in the middle of my exams. Though it's taken about a year to get to this stage and I'm glad it's finally happening, that is pretty bad timing. Life in general has really not had good timing recently.
On that note, I should really be studying...

...Rave, I guess(?)
My doctor prescribed me a medication which is having some really weird effects on me. As in, suddenly developing random skills I was never able to do in all my life before and also probably hallucinating slightly, or at least seeing a lot of interesting illusions throughout the day which I would not normally see (I showed my mum the random skills to make sure I wasn't just losing my mind, and she acknowledged them and agreed it was seriously strange.) And here I was thinking these things didn't really happen outside of movies. A lot of the illusions are on paper so that I can actually trace over them if I'm quick enough. It's rather distracting while trying to study, but if I place my hand on the page and think or say calming things, it fades down a bit. Now I'm wondering whether I'm supposed to bring these things up with the doctor, or whether she'd even believe me if I did. Kind of wary that if I simply go back and say "well, now I'm seeing outlines of faces and eyes almost everywhere, random colours and auras and shadowy figures" she'll misunderstand or see that as more of an issue than it really is, or think I'm lying -- mm, now I'm thinking about this too much; I'll just have to see what happens.

Overall, life is continuing in its strangeness. I seem to attract (create?) a lot of that.

(ANyway, to anyone reading this, I hope you have a great day!)

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

I love the idea of gardening, but I'm too lazy... and dumb about what's what. You guys actually got me talking to hubby about gardening yesterday. I told him I never know what the yields would be. I always pictured planting, say, 1 potato seed and you get one potato out of it. One carrot seed equals 1 carrot. He was explaining that a lot of things grow in bushels and you can get multiple yields out of them. I told him, 'yeah... I never really thought about that. It would really suck if you got just one blueberry off a blueberry bush.'
I know about using pie pans to scar away birds and putting stockings over tomato plants and berries to keep things from eating them (or so I've heard), but growing the stuff? Forget it.

I'd be one of the first to go during the apocalypse.. then again, I already live off of garbage. Hook me up with slim jims and potato chips and other scroungables and I might just have a shot

Haha, yeah one potato will probably make more like 20 potatoes in the roots... I'm gonna grow them this year and see what happens. Really, I'm getting this far with gardening just by reading up online, watching lots of YouTube videos about gardening and just doing it myself out in the backyard. Forget "green thumb", it's just practice, patience and research. Here's a good link I've been reading voraciously while I prepare seeds right now...

Companion Planting

Gonna sow clover seeds under my grape vines, because those are supposed to work really good together according to that link.

I'm a little anxious because I'm running out of time to sow some more carrots, lettuces and herbs, before it gets too hot. Luckily I FINALLY have mulch now. So far I haven't had nearly enough mulch to fill the garden space, and the bare compost has just been baking and practically nothing has come up yet... but the oats are going crazy... because they got the little bit of mulch I had available.

It's only gonna get more and more ambitious from here on out, though. This summer I'll be growing corn, beans, melons (watermelon and cantaloupe), tomatoes, eggplants, peppers, sunflowers, morning glories, wheat, all sorts of herbs and greens, even popcorn, chia and flax!

Another topic, not sure if rant or rave: my sleeping habits are a complete 180 from what they used to be, and I think it was because I was on anti-depressants before. I used to be able to sleep in for HOURS, many times over 12 hours, sometimes up to 16 hours, and I would NEVER wake up naturally in the morning without an alarm or some loud noise to wake me up. One time I got home from work in the afternoon, exhausted, climbed straight to bed, and never woke up until the phone ring woke me up in the morning, and it was someone at work asking me if I was coming in today. I was an hour late. If it wasn't for the phone, I would have slept for MORE than 16 hours I'm sure.

Now, without any anti-depressants, my body runs on 6 hours of sleep per night, without fail, and I don't even feel tired. Every single morning I wake up naturally at 6am, on the dot. There's nothing I can do to sleep in. Even with earplugs and nothing bothering me, I still wake up naturally right at 6. Every. Single. Morning. I don't even need an alarm anymore. I think it may also be because I work outdoors all day at my new job (at a plant nursery), so my body knows exactly when it's daytime and when it's nighttime. Plus all that physical labor and constant moving around (although I had that at my old job too)... and I barely even stop to take a break when I come home and run around getting things ready for my garden, whether getting mulch from the landfill, digging a huge hole and planting my new peach tree in it, setting up a new garden bed, transplanting grape vines, etc. I work harder and longer now than I've ever worked in my life, and it doesn't even bother me much. All I do otherwise is make sure I eat, drink and sleep enough to keep the fuel going.

Another interesting happening: as I got into the shower tonight, I saw myself and realized I literally have the fucking body of a Greek goddess. I used to be so worried that, given my high metabolism, even the slightest bit of exercise would make my small boobs disappear entirely, but that clearly is not the case. I look more fit and healthy now than I ever have before, too. So yeah, those are raves.

Originally Posted by vasiona

Rant:
It looks like we're going to be moving house right in the middle of my exams. Though it's taken about a year to get to this stage and I'm glad it's finally happening, that is pretty bad timing. Life in general has really not had good timing recently.
On that note, I should really be studying...

...Rave, I guess(?)
My doctor prescribed me a medication which is having some really weird effects on me. As in, suddenly developing random skills I was never able to do in all my life before and also probably hallucinating slightly, or at least seeing a lot of interesting illusions throughout the day which I would not normally see (I showed my mum the random skills to make sure I wasn't just losing my mind, and she acknowledged them and agreed it was seriously strange.) And here I was thinking these things didn't really happen outside of movies. A lot of the illusions are on paper so that I can actually trace over them if I'm quick enough. It's rather distracting while trying to study, but if I place my hand on the page and think or say calming things, it fades down a bit. Now I'm wondering whether I'm supposed to bring these things up with the doctor, or whether she'd even believe me if I did. Kind of wary that if I simply go back and say "well, now I'm seeing outlines of faces and eyes almost everywhere, random colours and auras and shadowy figures" she'll misunderstand or see that as more of an issue than it really is, or think I'm lying -- mm, now I'm thinking about this too much; I'll just have to see what happens.

Overall, life is continuing in its strangeness. I seem to attract (create?) a lot of that.

(ANyway, to anyone reading this, I hope you have a great day!)

Care to expand a little on that? What meds are you on? What skills did you develop?
Is it ADD meds by any chance?

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

I love the idea of gardening, but I'm too lazy... and dumb about what's what. You guys actually got me talking to hubby about gardening yesterday. I told him I never know what the yields would be. I always pictured planting, say, 1 potato seed and you get one potato out of it. One carrot seed equals 1 carrot. He was explaining that a lot of things grow in bushels and you can get multiple yields out of them. I told him, 'yeah... I never really thought about that. It would really suck if you got just one blueberry off a blueberry bush.'
I know about using pie pans to scar away birds and putting stockings over tomato plants and berries to keep things from eating them (or so I've heard), but growing the stuff? Forget it.

I'd be one of the first to go during the apocalypse.. then again, I already live off of garbage. Hook me up with slim jims and potato chips and other scroungables and I might just have a shot

Haha, that's funny coz I know a bit about plants, but I don't do any of that stuff to keep birds/bugs away.
I always think "well they can have some, it's good to keep the wildlife alive and healthy" etc.
But then I still get annoyed when they end up eating almost everything every year.
I'd be the second to go coz I don't care about my own life over the rest of the biosphere.

On the plus side we get heaps of parrots and stuff here now coz they love the fruit.
I figure since more and more trees get cut down every day, the least I can do is give them some food and a home.

Oh and Deery re: boobs - yeah, you should only lose boobage if there's fat. Judging by your pics, if my memory serves me correctly, there ain't a lot of that on you.

Originally Posted by tommo

Care to expand a little on that? What meds are you on? What skills did you develop?
Is it ADD meds by any chance?

Hehe, I was half-anticipating that someone might ask. I was intentionally being vague for the sake of internet anonymity – the details are rather specific – but really I don’t think people are all that likely to find this, and it doesn’t even matter too much if certain people do.

Nope, it’s not an ADD med – it’s an SSRI antidepressant (specifically, citalopram) though I’m not actually taking it for depression this time. (I've taken a similar med for actual depression before – that one too had odd effects, but more like “listed as rare” effects rather than “apparently unheard of.”)

The main thing is that a few days after I started taking it, I started automatically doing things with my left hand. I have been right-handed all of my life (I even checked with my parents to make sure) and I’d never been able to write with my left hand. I remember trying briefly when I was maybe 13 or 14 and I could barely write a coherent word in capital letters. Now I started automatically writing with my left hand, and after a few hours my handwriting looked better, in a way, than it does with my right hand. I can still write with my right hand but usually end up switching because it feels weird – my left hand is more natural. In other words, I suddenly became ambidextrous and switched dominant hands...it could be a coincidence, but it's a rather large one if so.

I also do a lot of other things than writing with my left hand now and seem to be more co-ordinated and physically aware as a result of switching dominant sides, but of course that very last part is subjective.

Other things are not really as strange. I’ve always had quite acute hearing but now I can pick up on and understand things people say even further away or less clearly. I was usually terrible at drawing before but can now put down images from my mind quite accurately (still not fantastically, just far better than before.) Also the general “oh, so this is how other people do it!?” things, like being able to better express emotion in my face and voice and hold real conversations with people instead of being practically mute most of the time in real life.

Suddenly I notice all sorts of details, and I “see” outlines of faces or features of faces (one of the more vivid things: while wide awake, I saw an eye on my ceiling which looked like it was drawn in pencil – it slowly opened, closed again and vanished as it did so…most are a fair bit more vague than that one was but there have been hundreds) absolutely everything, mostly blank paper, but since they fade out and I can’t point them out afterwards (and sometimes they even come more vividly to me in brief flashes, like a movie) I’m guessing that’s more like hallucinating. Not sure. Whichever way, though, it doesn’t seem to be harmful.

OOoh, many thanks for the link, Deery. I shall be spending lots of time on it

Tommo, Nice! I'm jealous of your birds! The only exotic birds we get are hummingbirds. They're pretty, but not "cool" like parrots lol.

Vasiona, wish I had your side effects I've been on the stuff for years. Nothing special ever happens to me *pouts*
But seeing faces and stuff... I've always done that with or without meds. I love textured and vaguely patterned surfaces- like wood walls/floors. Stone is sometimes nice too and that blown on stucco stuff.
I could draw entire faces, if I was so inclined, just from drawing what I see in those abstracts. They're almost always cartoonish though.

Mr. Monthly stopped by yesterday... I guess that helps explain my weird mood the other day.
Other than having to put up with that annoyance, everything is good. I was sound asleep by 10PM and awake at 5AM And I've actually managed to STAY awake all day
To make things even better, I ventured out by 6AM for McD's breakfast. I ate half of it right away and just finished the hotcakes about 30 minutes ago.

I almost went an entire day without a rant... EXCEPT...
I had my sons cellphone and it rang earlier. I brought it to him, sat back down, felt something on my neck and absentmindedly swiped at it. I felt the hard pointiness of an insect. I flipped out, ripped off my bandanna, swiped my clothes, ran to my bed to look in my mirror. I would have stripped but my curtains were open. I checked the mirror, myself and my clothes thoroughly. I saw nothing. I wrote it off as being a stink bug. I searched the floor around my desk then sat back down... and saw the mother of all spiders. *shudders* It was on a book so I took it outside and released it on my plant. I've had the heebiejeebies ever since though

I think it was just an Orb Weaver spider, but still *shudders again*

Now, I get to take sonny to work, get a soda, get on Farmville briefly, then back on Minecraft. I just finished the most amazing home I've ever built. I ended up getting into creative mode because I got irked. I was so proud of myself. I started on a tiny hill, in a tiny house then almost leveled too mountains for dirt to expand my property. It's surrounded by my signature stone fence with water and gardens. Then I went to work on the inside. I finally found enough sheep to make 5 pictures. You have to break the pictures and rehang them to find the ones you want. When I did, my pictures disappeared So I entered creative mode and went insane. I added a second floor to my home and made a killer roof, added some villagers, got diamond tools, weapons, armor, enchanted it all... now I'm going to exit creative and get playing

i get to go shopping later tonight which means I'll be getting more vanilla pepsi which is a definite rave... even though I REALLY hate going to the store.

Originally Posted by tommo

Haha, that's funny coz I know a bit about plants, but I don't do any of that stuff to keep birds/bugs away.
I always think "well they can have some, it's good to keep the wildlife alive and healthy" etc.
But then I still get annoyed when they end up eating almost everything every year.
I'd be the second to go coz I don't care about my own life over the rest of the biosphere.

On the plus side we get heaps of parrots and stuff here now coz they love the fruit.
I figure since more and more trees get cut down every day, the least I can do is give them some food and a home.

Funny, this morning I covered my entire garden with mulch and wet it all down before the sun started hitting them. Then, several minutes later, I came back outside and a couple birds were there, and one flew away with a piece of mulch, right into our dryer vent. They must be building a nest in there, and that's probably why the dryer doesn't work for shit.

Oh and Deery re: boobs - yeah, you should only lose boobage if there's fat. Judging by your pics, if my memory serves me correctly, there ain't a lot of that on you.

Nope, I'm all muscle baby.

Originally Posted by vasiona

The main thing is that a few days after I started taking it, I started automatically doing things with my left hand. I have been right-handed all of my life (I even checked with my parents to make sure) and I’d never been able to write with my left hand. I remember trying briefly when I was maybe 13 or 14 and I could barely write a coherent word in capital letters. Now I started automatically writing with my left hand, and after a few hours my handwriting looked better, in a way, than it does with my right hand. I can still write with my right hand but usually end up switching because it feels weird – my left hand is more natural. In other words, I suddenly became ambidextrous and switched dominant hands...it could be a coincidence, but it's a rather large one if so.

I also do a lot of other things than writing with my left hand now and seem to be more co-ordinated and physically aware as a result of switching dominant sides, but of course that very last part is subjective.

Other things are not really as strange. I’ve always had quite acute hearing but now I can pick up on and understand things people say even further away or less clearly. I was usually terrible at drawing before but can now put down images from my mind quite accurately (still not fantastically, just far better than before.) Also the general “oh, so this is how other people do it!?” things, like being able to better express emotion in my face and voice and hold real conversations with people instead of being practically mute most of the time in real life.

Suddenly I notice all sorts of details, and I “see” outlines of faces or features of faces (one of the more vivid things: while wide awake, I saw an eye on my ceiling which looked like it was drawn in pencil – it slowly opened, closed again and vanished as it did so…most are a fair bit more vague than that one was but there have been hundreds) absolutely everything, mostly blank paper, but since they fade out and I can’t point them out afterwards (and sometimes they even come more vividly to me in brief flashes, like a movie) I’m guessing that’s more like hallucinating. Not sure. Whichever way, though, it doesn’t seem to be harmful.

Wow... you sound like an X-Men mutant now.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

I almost went an entire day without a rant... EXCEPT...
I had my sons cellphone and it rang earlier. I brought it to him, sat back down, felt something on my neck and absentmindedly swiped at it. I felt the hard pointiness of an insect. I flipped out, ripped off my bandanna, swiped my clothes, ran to my bed to look in my mirror. I would have stripped but my curtains were open. I checked the mirror, myself and my clothes thoroughly. I saw nothing. I wrote it off as being a stink bug. I searched the floor around my desk then sat back down... and saw the mother of all spiders. *shudders* It was on a book so I took it outside and released it on my plant. I've had the heebiejeebies ever since though

I think it was just an Orb Weaver spider, but still *shudders again*

Congrats for not killing it, and releasing it instead... even if it was creepy as hell...

Now, I get to take sonny to work, get a soda, get on Farmville briefly, then back on Minecraft. I just finished the most amazing home I've ever built. I ended up getting into creative mode because I got irked. I was so proud of myself. I started on a tiny hill, in a tiny house then almost leveled too mountains for dirt to expand my property. It's surrounded by my signature stone fence with water and gardens. Then I went to work on the inside. I finally found enough sheep to make 5 pictures. You have to break the pictures and rehang them to find the ones you want. When I did, my pictures disappeared So I entered creative mode and went insane. I added a second floor to my home and made a killer roof, added some villagers, got diamond tools, weapons, armor, enchanted it all... now I'm going to exit creative and get playing

That sounds awesome. I used to play Castleville constantly and then felt bad about not doing other things, so I stopped cold turkey, but if I allow myself to play games just a little bit, then I'll feel a lot better and more inclined to be productive, perhaps. Balance is key.

IS there a post missing? I'd swear someone posted before Deery yesterday. I was too sleepy to reply, though, so I might have been dreaming lol
to everyone

Deery, if it had been a fuzzy spider, instinct/fear would've kicked in and he'd be a goner. I *know* the spindly looking ones around here are usually orb weavers and non-poisonous, so I'll take a chance with them. Wolf Spiders aren't poisonous either but those little devils love biting me and those bites still hurt.
heh, I used to play Castleville (and Treasureville (or Island whatever it was) and the old cooking one. they get to be too much like work after a while, and I just burn out. Balance is definintely the key... but the OCD (?) in me wont allow it. I have to be a teetotaler inmost things. I never learned self-moderation

My rant is that I'm awake. I went to sleep at around 3AM. I left the AC on because the dog's overheating and I tend to overheat while I sleep.
But temperature is such a fine balancing act. If I get too cold, I curl into a ball then body heat goes overboard and I get drenched in sweat which then chills in the colder room temp which makes me want to curl more which..... lol

I had terrible dreams of chopping off the heads of domestic animals. I was also stuck in a scary dream loop. Thankfully, I've forgotten the details.
I've also had a slight sore throat for a couple days but I think it's mostly PND/allergies. My e-juice isn't helping- the nic is too high. It needs to be diluted some more so I cut it with the nasty caffeinated stuff (with 0 nic though).

A rant/rave is that I managed to devour almost an entire Angel food Cake loaf since 9:30 last night.

Ugh... think I'll try to get more sleep...

Originally Posted by vasiona

Hehe, I was half-anticipating that someone might ask. I was intentionally being vague for the sake of internet anonymity – the details are rather specific – but really I don’t think people are all that likely to find this, and it doesn’t even matter too much if certain people do.

Nope, it’s not an ADD med – it’s an SSRI antidepressant (specifically, citalopram) though I’m not actually taking it for depression this time. (I've taken a similar med for actual depression before – that one too had odd effects, but more like “listed as rare” effects rather than “apparently unheard of.”)

The main thing is that a few days after I started taking it, I started automatically doing things with my left hand. I have been right-handed all of my life (I even checked with my parents to make sure) and I’d never been able to write with my left hand. I remember trying briefly when I was maybe 13 or 14 and I could barely write a coherent word in capital letters. Now I started automatically writing with my left hand, and after a few hours my handwriting looked better, in a way, than it does with my right hand. I can still write with my right hand but usually end up switching because it feels weird – my left hand is more natural. In other words, I suddenly became ambidextrous and switched dominant hands...it could be a coincidence, but it's a rather large one if so.

I also do a lot of other things than writing with my left hand now and seem to be more co-ordinated and physically aware as a result of switching dominant sides, but of course that very last part is subjective.

Other things are not really as strange. I’ve always had quite acute hearing but now I can pick up on and understand things people say even further away or less clearly. I was usually terrible at drawing before but can now put down images from my mind quite accurately (still not fantastically, just far better than before.) Also the general “oh, so this is how other people do it!?” things, like being able to better express emotion in my face and voice and hold real conversations with people instead of being practically mute most of the time in real life.

Suddenly I notice all sorts of details, and I “see” outlines of faces or features of faces (one of the more vivid things: while wide awake, I saw an eye on my ceiling which looked like it was drawn in pencil – it slowly opened, closed again and vanished as it did so…most are a fair bit more vague than that one was but there have been hundreds) absolutely everything, mostly blank paper, but since they fade out and I can’t point them out afterwards (and sometimes they even come more vividly to me in brief flashes, like a movie) I’m guessing that’s more like hallucinating. Not sure. Whichever way, though, it doesn’t seem to be harmful.

Anonymity is pointless lol I just throw in some completely made up stuff every now and again, to throw any potential IRL people off.
I've written some seriously screwed up stuff before xD
Either that or stuff which is somewhat based on truth but still fiction.
Then they can't tell which is real or not.

Yeah I used to get auditory hallucination on antidepressants. Some visual, but not as much.
The auditory ones were fucked though. Bordering on schizophrenic. So fucked up.

The expressing emotions thing is cool. I think dulled emotions is what causes this, probably mild depression.
So when that's gone you start feeling more. I kind of like being mildly autistic in that respect though.
Some people like it/find it funny/weird. And plus I don't give away my feelings so easily.
I see it as a personality trait, not a flaw. Since I've always been like that.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Tommo, Nice! I'm jealous of your birds! The only exotic birds we get are hummingbirds. They're pretty, but not "cool" like parrots lol.

Oh cummon! Hummingbirds are freaking awesome! They're amazing!
Marvel of evolution....

Originally Posted by DeeryTheDeer

Funny, this morning I covered my entire garden with mulch and wet it all down before the sun started hitting them. Then, several minutes later, I came back outside and a couple birds were there, and one flew away with a piece of mulch, right into our dryer vent. They must be building a nest in there, and that's probably why the dryer doesn't work for shit.

Lol, why do you use a dryer? Aren't you in California? Or did you move again? Think I remember you saying that.
Anyway, just hang your clothes up, so much better, they last years and years longer.
Dryers degrade clothes so bad.

Originally Posted by DeeryTheDeer

Nope, I'm all muscle baby.

Lol, well I meant skinny, but if so that's good.
Love slightly muscly girls or tomboys. So hot.

I sometimes wonder why I get attracted/infatuated with girly girls.
Coz then I meet a tomboy and I'm like KMBKKJJGJEREOGNKWENNNNNEJOJG!!!!!!!!
Androgeneity ftw. Don't think that's a word but whatever, I'm drunk.

Rant: I want sex. I cannot get sex.

Yeah.. hummingbirds are nice, but parrots are still cooler The grass is always greener on the other side and all that jazz.
Practically the only parrots I've ever seen were in pet shops.

I managed to get some more sleep but I still had bad dreams and I still sweat way too much. Gah! And now I can't find my brush. I swear there's some sort of conspiracy going on to make me lose my mind. I used it just yesterday but now I have no idea where it is. Driving me friggin nuts. I desperately need a shower but meh- I don't feel like it. I know if I just got off my butt and took one, I'd feel a million times better. I still can't be bothered though

I drove my son all over creation today. His employer messed up his check.. sort of. The numbers were too low on the check so Wal-mart couldn't cash it. He was all sorts of freaked out. They also failed to put III on the check so Wal-mart wasn't going to cash it for that reason alone. I told him to chill, that we'd go to a couple banks and see if they could help. The very first one we stopped at told him where he needed to go- which was also in town. That one cashed it without issue.

I rave is that I did a good deed today which feels good. A random older lady came to my car while I waited on my son at Wal-mart. She needed $6. for gas to get home to Beckly (several hours away). A friend had just passed away and her truck broke down and she was stuck. What struck me is that she only asked for $6. And I had it, so why not.... then my son had problems cashing his check and I was laughing at myself, saying maybe I shouldn't I given it away because without it I couldn't get him to work to fix the problem. *whew* But it all worked out.

A rant is that Fallout is still crashing. So now I get to uncheck the DLC and start my game all over. Whoopee! Not Maybe I'll start playing Oblivion or Skyrim instead.

Or maybe I'll just go back to bed....

I am finally moved in and on a desktop computer for the first time in over a week. We have a lot of unpacking to do, probably through the next two weeks, which sucks because we are going to Vegas next weekend.

I just need a weekend of nothing expected of me. That won't happen til June.

Hope you get to rest soon, Tiresias. Have fun in Vegas though

17:18 is, what 5:18PM That's the time stamp on my last post. I did, indeed, go to bed and I slept for over 12 hours if that's the case.
I did wake briefly throughout the night. Momma dog whined to be let out, to be let in, or if her babies cried too much- I woke during those times, took care of the need then fell right back to sleep. Oh yeah... I also woke at some point and took a shower in the dark (the light blew).
Other than running my son around, I slept all night and day before then too My period usually doesn't make me THIS sleepy. *sheesh* maybe I'm also catching a cold. Or it's just my allergies. Do allergies make you sleepy lol.

The real kicker... I want to go BACK to sleep already I NEED to go to the laundromat today and take my son to counseling. I'll probably end up going to wal-mart and Goodwill though to buy new (i.e clean) socks and undies and a couple outfits. Really? I'm THAT lazy? yes I am
I NEED socks and undies. Mine keep disappearing *cough/cough Destinee!* But I don't need any more clothes except for a vest.
I truly have ZERO energy though.

I've got so much to rant about lmfao. I don't know if I mentioned it on here before, but in year 12 you have to organise an event which is just as important as your exams.
We organized "day at school" last week, which were basically all kinds of activities for all the students from 8:30am until 8:30pm. Everything went pretty well but
like 50 people left early, just because they couldn't be bothered with it. They knew how important it was and yet they let us down.

I almost finish year 12 now and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna pass. My grades are great, work experience is going alright and I did quite well on the event thingy. The last few weeks are gonna be so stressful though. We've got prom coming up and everyone keeps asking me which girl is gonna be my date. I always reply with "idk yet" because I'm still single and most of my girl friends are already in a relationship. Is it weird if I would go to prom all by myself? Well I wouldn't be going all by myself, my friends are gonna be there too. But I just don't know how to feel about it, I might as well just stay home lol.

Also now that year 12 is almost over, I have no idea what I'm gonna do next. My parents want me to do year 13, and if I do finish it, I'll have a higher degree in business economics and I'd be able to start up my own business without going to college or uni. Tbh I'm kinda fed up with high school & work experience. I know that doing year 13 is probably the best thing to do right now. But at the same time I just really want to move on, go to uni and study either criminology, translation studies or photography. Why is it so goddamn hard to choose something??

My permit expires in January 2016 so I should probably hurry up and get my official drivers license. Driving scares me so much, like I'm honestly such a bad driver lol. I keep stalling my car and I'm always so nervous about me annoying other drivers, cause an accident or maybe even kill someone. Driving always seemed so easy but it's so hard like I just don't get it. I know I have to keep practising but having this much stress isn't really helping either.

I'm almost done ranting now. Lately, I get a burning feeling when I pee and the pain is just horrendous. I went to the doctor for it a few months ago but they didn't find anything. And now that it's back, I don't know what to do about it. It's just fucking awful to be honest.

One more thing. On Monday, there was a guest speaker at our school who came to talk about his car crash and how it left him paralyzed. At some point he mentioned having dreams where he could walk again and he told us that he realises he's dreaming because he's paralyzed in real life of course . I asked him if he knew he was lucid dreaming and he replied with "yeah I do" and then smiled at me. All of the other students were like "what the fuck are you all talking about"

And the next night, I had a random lucid dream after having a dryspell for like 5 months.