Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

I hope your exams are going well (or went well if you survived them )

My rants haven't changed: no period; still have rash... but the rash has spread. It's now on my right arm (but barely). Calamine lotion works best, but only for about 2 hours- then I have to reapply it. Which means my sleep has been total crap. I'll wake up because my arms are on fire and I'm scratching the heck out of them.
I'm going to do laundry this week. I'll get some no-additive detergent. I'll clean my room and get all the cobwebs off the underside of the desk I sleep on.

I'm also trying to start keeping my log again of everything I do, eat and drink.
But seriously, the only thing different in my life is: no period and my Gabapentin was raised from 200 mg to 300 daily.
My detergent, soap, diet, everything has been unchanged for years. It seems weird that I'd suddenly become allergic to something.

Hubby thinks something's biting me. It APPEARS, to me, to be simple contact dermatitis or eczema. It's driving me up the bloody wall though.
I see my Dr. on Monday, so hopefully she'll have some ideas.

Oh, one thing is different. Women are sterotypically known for our sweets craving before our periods. I usually get mine a week or two before hand. Mr. Monthly was supposed to stop by on May 2. So I've been binging sweets for sheesh... 3 weeks now.

Stop asking me to change my signature. Its getting annoying. Please jump on other people other than me.

Originally Posted by DreamCafe11

Stop asking me to change my signature. Its getting annoying. Please jump on other people other than me.

Lol, well then stop making it bigger than the limit. Not that hard. And next time if you have a gripe, post in TTS.

Rave: Holy shit, I finish school in 4 weeks.
Rant: Holy shit, I finish school in 4 weeks. And I still need to finish designing + build my final project, then write up a 10 page report on it. Too bad I don't have four weeks of vacation time to use at work.

Well sleep, I know we haven't been on best terms lately, but... I'm gonna just have to ask you to fuck off for the next four weeks and leave me alone. We'll catch up again in late June.

WOOT! WTG, Sefalik Now get the lead out of it and finish the rest
If I had a time slowing device, I would totally share it with you. Hope you don't miss out on too much more (?) sleep.

Rave: I actually made it to my appointment.
Rant: I've gained 10 pounds since I was last there 2 months ago.
Rant: I made the mistake of telling my hubby that and now he'll be forever fat-shaming me

rave-ish: I still have the rash, though not nearly as bad. My Dr. thinks it *might* be connected with my thyroid stats. She said people don't normally seek treatment until they hit 10. (I'm 5.3), but she's willing to try me on some meds (with the skin, missed period, sleep disturbances etc...).
Soooo... I'm excited to try the new med (and may lose some weight in the process )

Rant: Orrrrr, I might be perimenopausal (SP!).
great...

A while ago while talking lucid dreaming with my sister, she said she had LDs every couple of weeks but she was interested in learning to LD more. Fast forward a few months to tonight, and she now says that about 70% of her dreams are lucid. My brother-in-law and mom say almost every dream of theirs is lucid so that leaves me as being the worst LDer in the house due to only about 15-20% of my dreams being lucid. How do they do it?!?! Must get better!

At least my dream control is still better than my sister and mom. I'm trying to teach them. But, my brother in law says he has nearly perfect control of his dreams.

Originally Posted by dolphin

A while ago while talking lucid dreaming with my sister, she said she had LDs every couple of weeks but she was interested in learning to LD more. Fast forward a few months to tonight, and she now says that about 70% of her dreams are lucid. My brother-in-law and mom say almost every dream of theirs is lucid so that leaves me as being the worst LDer in the house due to only about 15-20% of my dreams being lucid. How do they do it?!?! Must get better!

At least my dream control is still better than my sister and mom. I'm trying to teach them. But, my brother in law says he has nearly perfect control of his dreams.

This must be a stronger indicator of reincarnation right?

Lucid dreaming is not a competition but a goal to see lucidity as a way of understanding other people and being connected to them. That is why dcs act the way they do because they want to be loved for who they are the same as animals, birds and insects. It is not about who is lucid the most but the sensitivity to the fact that we all have feelings and we are in it together.

Of course in spiritual matters like this people can often be defensive and therefore exagerate their stats . People don't want to look at themselves and question what they are doing in life because they are so attached to their house, money, partner, job, kids, insurance etc. This can make them unwilling to open up and share about their mind.

Don't even really feel like talking about this thing. Just very down right now.

I lost 70.4 lbs overall, and wanted to see how I would react when eating fast food. So, I ordered some Canton Asian food, and it felt so dull eating it. Which is a good thing because before, I would've been savoring each bite, but because it's really just food, and my body isn't going to be picky either way other than to use it for energy, it's just that...food. I'm glad that I can stick to what I've been eating, and expanding for more options in the future while not really missing out the very same stuff that contributed to weight gain in the past.

Now to start hitting the gym very soon. But, I just have to look into another set of programs because I hate the idea of going to the gym without a plan in the first place. I'm not sure if I should be concerned that there isn't a sense of novelty with the fast food, and all anymore, but I'm not going to complain.

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

I lost 70.4 lbs overall, and wanted to see how I would react when eating fast food. So, I ordered some Canton Asian food, and it felt so dull eating it. Which is a good thing because before, I would've been savoring each bite, but because it's really just food, and my body isn't going to be picky either way other than to use it for energy, it's just that...food. I'm glad that I can stick to what I've been eating, and expanding for more options in the future while not really missing out the very same stuff that contributed to weight gain in the past.

Now to start hitting the gym very soon. But, I just have to look into another set of programs because I hate the idea of going to the gym without a plan in the first place. I'm not sure if I should be concerned that there isn't a sense of novelty with the fast food, and all anymore, but I'm not going to complain.

I haven't eaten at any of the 'big name' fast food joints in years. At this point I'm not super strict with what I eat, so every once in a while if I'm hungry and tight on time I'll stop at a Wawa for some grub, but it usually just makes me feel like crap afterwards. If you cut out the super unhealthy stuff completely, you stop craving it. Then when you do eat it, you feel like crap. Kinda cool.

If you've been able to stay strict with a diet, you'll be able to stay strict with the gym, no problem. It's just the first few weeks that are hard, after that you'll never want to skip a day. I'm still really bummed because I missed one day last week, and I haven't made up for it. I get my workout routine from a 'professional.' I'm not sure what you'd call her, but she does corrective massages, nutrition, physical therapy, and she gives me my workout routines (she used to be a body builder herself). If you want I can message you some of the stuff she recommended for me, but ideally you would want something tailored to your body/goals. I have no interest whatsoever in researching this type of stuff myself, so I just rely on her.


Rant: I've been drinking too much this week. I've slept no more than 4.5hrs ever day this week, which is enough... but it's not much. And I'm drinking too much. And I never do abs. I need to work abs, but I hate working abs. I drink beer instead of working abs, and that's kind of counterintuitive.

Rave: I've almost finished reading the "The Blade Itself" series, and it's really, really good. That's a rant too, because I'm almost finished. So no more. Boo.

Hey, even though I have a few protocols to experiment myself, I'm all for getting some fallbacks in place with exercising. You can message me whenever, and thanks, man!

You know as a student, I can't help but wonder, how is it being an adult? Since adults have way more freedom than kids, is it better to be an adult than a kid? I appreciate my parent's nagging me and such, but sometimes it stresses me out.

Originally Posted by Luciera

You know as a student, I can't help but wonder, how is it being an adult? Since adults have way more freedom than kids, is it better to be an adult than a kid? I appreciate my parent's nagging me and such, but sometimes it stresses me out.

I guess you might get a different context with someone that has more experiential learning in this, but I think we’re on the same level, though, I’m not sure about the differences in our age. But, I won’t use ageism in this perspective of mine.

I think the level of freedom is relative to the context at hand, and in this case, even if you’re an adult with more responsibilities, and having some kind of moral standing in this world, I’m sure having children in some way would be restrictive. Some parents do their best to get the basics of what they think is needed to sustain the health of a child, and some go to the ends of the world, even to the point of sacrificing their well-being for their children. And we could chalk up the nagging as them seeing a reflection of themselves when they were younger, and we could call it a day, right?

But, I feel it’s more of a mixed bag of emotions with them wanting to play a significant role in some way for their child while also trying to foster some degree of freedom for their children in the future because deep down, the dead-end of trying to find a middle ground between those two extremes (them being spoiled brats vs. or people that can think for themselves, but may have a convoluted sense of their competency). But going even beyond that, and I think something I learned with recalling my dreams is that every night, the narrative I take isn’t always the same, mundane process of trying to put the dreaming experiences into context to see if that learning can bleed onto waking life.

It’s the very fact that the narrative, at least for me, has all sorts of nuances that makes me feel that having a mindset where you try to get a large field of perspectives to cultivate your own that can be tested against, and refined in some manner is what’s pragmatic, for me that is. Because even if we glean over one perspective that their nagging could just be out of insecurity, or some metaphorical reflection of self, we could also glean over another view in that the things they do are normative ethics they feel is what can sustain the family, i.e., how they “ought” to assess themselves.

And maybe you appreciate their nagging because maybe you can imagine that some don’t receive that kind of feedback that may be deemed as tough love. Some children just want to have problems every now and then with their parents to prevent the idea that they were the holy child, or the child of god. And when you have siblings in that equation, the strife, and all of these metaphorical representations that one could throw around to coincide with that strife can go on to no end.

For me, I recently blocked all contact with my siblings simply due to realizing that they wouldn’t even acknowledge my existence anymore. And when they did, it was only a means to reach their end goal of bettering themselves vs. reciprocation. I could’ve had a blank canvas then, and dye myself into a color that it would be my father’s fault for causing this rift in not being able to reconcile with them, but it doesn’t work out that way so easily in prescribing scapegoats. I won’t go into detail, so in short, I realized most of my persona was cultivated through trying to make his efforts not go in vain.


Sure, I won’t deny that it wasn’t the healthiest endeavors to partake in. I even rejected women all of my life just for him in the sense of trying to finish my education as soon as possible. Because I didn’t want to get into that trap of having my progression and success be based on trying to get things done so I can start loving the person. I wanted to do it by myself, and then cultivate a persona of building a family in the future. But, it wasn’t that easy, and he questioned me sometimes over my preference, but I never told him that I did it due to the convictions he had that I respected. Not all of them I saw eye to eye, but trying to think ahead, and seeing the bigger picture of imagining myself of having to be responsible for children would naturally have me referring to experiences with him, and questioning, “Is this how he felt for this circumstance? Is this how you were feeling, father?” But in a more indirect sense.

Through that, even though it wasn’t ideal, it helped me find mental deterrents, and silver linings as my fallbacks when I ventured into having to take responsibility for myself. The whole mindset of being futuristic about yourself was due to dreaming where the ultimate sense of home was what was going on within my cognition. The strife, the nagging, and even crises with parents just seems to be the least of one’s concerns; almost to the point where you appreciated the nagging because it distracted you from some existential vacuum sucking you up inside wondering if there’s anything to do in a context-less universe, and what have you.

But whatever the circumstances, I just reconciled with the fact that whatever stance there is with reality, I just have to take ownership in constructing context relative to the things I have in mind, and want to do in the future. Some react differently to that sense of liberation, but I wouldn’t say you have to absolve yourself from your family to realize this. Lucid dreaming was my learning tool, but I feel I can say with confidence that I wouldn’t discredit people who acknowledged my existence for so long just like that…even if there’s internal screaming, the gleaning over perspectives to see the bigger picture makes you realize the impermanence of said strife, and frustration with them.

Self-progression is something that can eat you up, or be your only reliable fallback depending on how you react to it, I guess. This is why I don’t really feel too bad in rejecting those hot models that wanted to be with me…practically throwing themselves at me. I probably would’ve been tempted in marrying at a young age, but not have any reconciliation with myself. I want to feel that through recording my dreams, it cultivated a fallback for myself to have some kind of moral steering of assessing myself. I want to feel that because of that, I would still try to go through great pains in understanding my father because ultimately, that’s what he was trying to do all this time. I think something I have to do in the near future is just being more transparent with him, because I realized that when I gradually acknowledge certain concerns of mine, he doesn’t really disagree with them. In fact, we seem to be on the same page most of the time. But, I feel that’s something I would do militantly when I know I can be self-sufficient, or at least with someone else.

But for now, it’s just a matter of keeping a low profile, and trying to know the A-Z of certain things in life, but also taking the initiative to take a risk either way. And knowing that it's not really about feeling our personal life is the only starring role; dreaming makes me realize it's more than just that. Probably due to how the more I treat dream characters as minor characters, I'm thus stripping away a chance to learn something through them, even if the experiences are fabricated to give that impression of some kind of context being hidden. Translate that to waking life, and realizing that we as one person can't be the only starring role, and we treat others more than minor characters might be the first step in being an adult.


Rant:

Spoiler for Rant:

Okay, I’m definitely convinced this co-worker of mine thinks I’m fucking stupid. We had a round-table discussion, and I mentioned a suggestion to coach some of our partners to use a certain tool that would make a process a breeze. She patronizes me with this bullshit that this is why certain stations are used for categorizing that. She was basically trying to bring down my suggestions. But, if it were so simple with the base level you’re talking about, how come the process of making sure it’s cleared out is STILL a challenge for us? I knocked down 3 stations, which usually would take a week to clear out in ONE FUCKING NIGHT.

You’re telling me that I’m over-complicating things? I just did it in ONE night because the tool we use knows the totality of this whole place! Point A to Point B; even more than that, it tells you which side to turn to, and what level to expect it to be in. How is that not pragmatic? It makes me feel that she doesn’t care about that. She just wants to pounce at me, even if she makes a fool of herself. I had a partner who agreed with my logic emphasize as to why I stated it, and all she could do is just STFU. I know she’s holding things against me personally vs. it being work-related.

And I think that other partner of hers is just one of those victims that cries her way up into the company as well, and when anyone is best buds with the lady I mentioned before, it becomes cancerous. Even though I could be blunt, and argumentative about it with her, I still need to collect more experiences of her just pouncing at me for no reason to take it to the next level. That way, she’s gets feedback that’s so transparent and blunt to the core, that she either has no choice but to take it out on me, and risk getting fired, or, I keep playing stupid, and her emotional threshold reaches the maximum, and becomes much worse.

I will keep my cool because there’s more important things to worry about. My boss is transparent in being open to us on these concerns, and I did it to another co-worker that explicitly told me he doesn’t care anymore because he got in “trouble” (which is really an excuse to deny that he gets overtime without trying to avoid it), but with her, she’s related to someone in upper management as well. I never want to think that I would have the leadership by the balls to be so gutsy, which is why things with her seems so convoluted for me at times. Speaking of by the balls, it’s funny to see the human side of leadership when you tell them how you lost the weight, and they seem interested, but they pussy out anyway. Some of these people who spent decades of not being a fan of favoritism are going out of their way to communicate to me more. It’s a bit cringe worthy, especially seeing those with a hard exterior soften up. Ugh. And it’s even more ironic where people emphasize on maximizing processes for utility, but they themselves can’t get into a process of self-regulation.

But hey, that’s the interesting thing with work; a person could party like no tomorrow, but come in with the strength of 100 oxen with their work ethic.

Rant: it's been a while since I was in top dreaming shape. I've also been having some very realistic and terrifying dreams lately (the falling kind, which I've never had before until recently). It probably has to do with the stress of teaching kindergarteners that know summer is only weeks away. Bah.
But these dreams are so realistic. The falling sensation and the realization that I'll die have been too real and it's worrying me. I never used to have these dreams, so is it normal that they feel so realistic? Are these some sort of next-level night terrors, or are they normal nightmares?

Rave: whoever invented Midol and heat pads were angels.

Tommo. I hope you're okay.

Link. Keep up the great work!

Luciera, being an adult sucks. I say that as a 42 year old woman who has managed to avoid true adulthood.
To me, being an adult is simply taking care of business. You live on your own (or with wife/husband/children), pay the bills, tend to the needs of your family. You have to balance the books, schedule appointments (and keep them), know how to prioritize (even if it remains a struggle to do so).
Being an adult means being chained to obligations (even happy/wanted obligations are still obligations).

Rant: My friggin body is falling apart on me. I'm not that bloody old. There's always something to rant about. Some rants take priorities over others, and some take a while to become a real rant.
Like my knee. It's been driving me bonkers for a month now. But it had been just a minor irritation when dealing with the bigger rants (that rash!!! which is finally going away).
I finally couldn't ignore the ache any longer and took a good look at my leg. And now that I've looked at it, it drives me more crazy
It's swollen. Significantly swollen. I googled the symptoms and it sounds like a quad injury.
What. the. heck. I never do anything so how could I have such an injury lol

I don't sit like a normal person. I either sit with my ankle tucked beneath me (which has caused alligator skin on said ankle), or with it bent to my chest. I am not comfortable sitting with my feet on the floor. I just can't. As a gamer, crafter, and all around couch potato, I can sit in those positions for hours. My legs ache in doing so. But when I straighten it out *EGAD!*, the cramp is crippling. I'll leave my leg straight for a time, and then when I fall back into habit, the cramp is crippling when drawing my leg back to my chest.
SO!- my leg hurts when left straightened for a time and it hurts when drawn to my chest for a time. *insert RAWR face*
It drives me most bonkers when I'm trying to sleep.
I walk with a limp it's that bad. And I spent 15 precious dollars on a wrap for it (which I only use when I have to drive or walk).

Another rant is that I have a knot under my right armpit. But it's at the top- away from my breasts. I think it's just a fatty mass, but it's still a wee concerning. I had hubby feel it and he said I need to get it looked at ASAP. It's not sore. I only noticed when wiping with a baby wipe. In a week, it hasn't changed.

Another rant is that I have a sore on my lower left gums. Having no lower teeth, I sometimes injure my gums by eating things a bit too hard. I get it from time to time but I finally looked at it yesterday (I really should stop looking at things ). I *looks* like it swelled to the point of rupture- as if I didn't eat something but rather swelling caused the sore. What's even more interesting is that I have a sore spot on the OUTSIDE of my jaw at the same spot. Like a swollen vein.
*roll*

Rave: (-ish )
It was actually funny. I was sitting in my room, grumbling at the world. I was in a general foul mood about nothing. I asked myself: "What's your friggin problem today? You're acting like you're on your period!" I got up, went to the restroom, looked down and actually said "Oh! hello there. It's about time." Only 19 days late, but hey, at least my period showed up.

Rave: the thyroid med has cleared a lot of mental fog, has given me a tad more energy, has curbed my appetite a great deal. And my rash is going away. I'm still not convinced the rash was thyroid related, but it's a rave none-the-less.

Oh yes. One more rant: Being a "vet" with no meds really sucks sometimes. We still have our horde of cats. Mojo's baby (Jojo ) is still with us, but boy is she a runt. He eyes and nose are constantly gunky. There's significant swelling in her eyes. I clean her up at least 3 times a day. (I try to stick at 3 times even though she needs it so much more frequently- but I'm certain the cleanings contribute to the swelling).

Her eyes crust over and when I wipe and scrape the crust away, her eyes ooze a yellow pus. I keep wiping until the pus subsides. Her nose crusts over and when I wipe it, it's runny (like a cold). she'll usually sneeze at that point and I'll give her a courtesy wipe. She then looks around the room like a stoner lol, as if she's tripping and fascinated by everything.

I *should* put her out of her misery. Because of her, 2 of Squirmy's baby's now have colds (But not NEARLY as bad) and Squirmy herself has a cold in one eye. Jojo's growth also seems stunted. She's as big as about a 3 week old kitten. She has such fight and spunk in her, though, that I'm treating her as best I can and letting nature play out.

Also, one more rave: I got WoW back. I'm friggin loving it. I won't play my level 90 though. It's been too long and all the commands are confusing (and forget flying lol) I started a Horde toon- an Orc Monk. In 2 days time, he's level 25.

Originally Posted by KestrelKat

Rant: it's been a while since I was in top dreaming shape. I've also been having some very realistic and terrifying dreams lately (the falling kind, which I've never had before until recently). It probably has to do with the stress of teaching kindergarteners that know summer is only weeks away. Bah.
But these dreams are so realistic. The falling sensation and the realization that I'll die have been too real and it's worrying me. I never used to have these dreams, so is it normal that they feel so realistic? Are these some sort of next-level night terrors, or are they normal nightmares?

Rave: whoever invented Midol and heat pads were angels.

The falling feeling may be from not having wings.
But fear not little one, If I see a falling Kestrel with whiskers I will catch it before it hits the ground

Rant: Now that it's summer I have to move back to my home town because I can't justify paying for rent when not in college. That means I have to take a break from my job which I love. It's like Uber in that I only work when I feel like it and the pay is good. I will probably have to get some retail job that sucks the life out of me.

Rave: Now that it's summer I'm free to focus on my sleep and dreams. It's really really nice to be back on Dreamviews after so long.

Zhaylin I remember you always seemed like a very nice lady. I hope JoJo gets better soon.

I'm just trolling for "Task Of The Month" Folks that have been hiding out over here

Thank you MadMonkey
Nice to see you return.

All my rants are the same. Though JoJo isn't nearly as bad off as she has been (only cleaned her once today and there was a lot less pus)
One of our other cats hurt himself. He has about a nickle sized cut toward the bottom of his leg. I had Destinee hold him yesterday while I cut an ace bandage to fit, wiped the wound, then wrapped it. He is such a good boy. I thought for sure he would rip the bandage right off but he didn't. I took most of it off today. I didn't think to apply Vasaline to the wound, though, so some of the bandage is stuck on. I don't dare rip it off.

I do have a rave though:
"My mother-in-law is awesome. She plays video games, she vapes, she makes cool lanyards for vaping mods, she's loving and naggy at the right moments. She never judges anyone and like my wife, she knows how to make me a better person all while loving me every step of the way. She is way cooler than all mother-in-laws. Wish I could've found y'all sooner. "
That was written by my daughter, Destinee's wife.

I was nagging her earlier today about her dirty fingernails. Then I laughed and told her she now knows she's truly family. "When I'm comfortable enough to nag and deny you requests, you're one of us."

Rave: I found a new, awesome show: Outlander. Gosh, but a lot of it is fairly pornographic. I've been binge-watching it while trying to finish Paula's lanyard. It's taken about 17 hours to finish 1 1/2 "front" panels and 1 1/2 side panels. (I had previously worked on one of the front sides). It takes too friggin long. When I get the diminsions wrong it is literally wasted time- not to mention, material. This one should be a wee big, but it will be finished by the end of the week. It has no fancy design. Just rasta colors (red/yellow/green) and I'm going to join it all with black. I swear, if anything happens to it before I finish I will rage quit the whole craft.

You know when you remember your dreams can be a blessing and a curse. However, I have just as many Lucids as my nightmare/ non-lucid.
I have My family have told me that I'm not normal to remember my all my dreams. lol
Rant: My arm stills hurts. One of my mom's cousins' son died on the operating table. My mom said that he had a massive heart attack. Life has been really nuts.

Rave: Someone wants to commission me to make an in-game model for them. It's probably for personal use, like some mod, hopefully, rather than an indie game, but hey, I'm not complaining. If they follow through, I just hope I can do a decent job. They're willing to pay $110 for it, but they seemed to be interested in going higher if I rigged the model, but I'm not good with that without using Mixamo like everyone else does. But, Mixamo doesn't have a system for the type I'm doing, unfortunately. I'm not going to assume things will go through, but if they do, it's a start somewhere.

Just a matter of making a good first impression. I think I'm being too nice, but I still have a ways to go before going higher.

Good to see you're still working on 3D modelling, Link!

Regarding the diet discussion, I've been doing keto for a good 2 years now. It's the best I've ever felt. I feel like mentioning this diet to everyone at every chance.
On the other hand, if everyone ate this way the planet would be fucked from over-farming animals. So I'll let all the diabetics suffer. lol
I'm going to try and start eating insects soon, as they're super environmentally friendly, but I have to find a place to buy them. If I like it I'll start farming them myself as well.

It just hit me the other day when I was watching a documentary kind of movie on Netlfix. They were spraying insecticides everywhere to keep them off the food plants....
I just thought, "why are we not just going WITH nature and eating the insects?". Instead we always try to fight nature, and it's almost always bad for us.
The plants should be seen as lures for the insects, which we could then catch and eat. We could then just eat whatever plants are left.
Just makes so much sense.

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

Rave: Someone wants to commission me to make an in-game model for them. It's probably for personal use, like some mod, hopefully, rather than an indie game, but hey, I'm not complaining. If they follow through, I just hope I can do a decent job. They're willing to pay $110 for it, but they seemed to be interested in going higher if I rigged the model, but I'm not good with that without using Mixamo like everyone else does. But, Mixamo doesn't have a system for the type I'm doing, unfortunately. I'm not going to assume things will go through, but if they do, it's a start somewhere.

Just a matter of making a good first impression. I think I'm being too nice, but I still have a ways to go before going higher.

Good luck, on Your new endeavor!!

Things aren't going really well between me and my girlfriend. It seems like all of our problems started when this other guy got involved.

Basically there's this other guy who's in her class (he has a girlfriend btw) and he's constantly trying to flirt with my girlfriend.
One night when he was drunk and my girlfriend wasn't feeling too well, something happened between them online. He ended up sending nudes to her and she played along.
I went through her messages on facebook and I saw convos like this:

Him: I probably fuck better than your boyfriend
Her: Yeah probably

Him: Shouldn't you be busy with your boyfriend?
Her: Just did
Him: wow that was fast?
Her: Yeah, he's a fast one
Him: That's a shame
Her: Yeah kinda xd
Him: I like to work when it comes to girls
Her: oh stop it you

But he asked her to delete text messages and she did. Apparantly she can't remember what happened exactly, because she had a blackout but there was more to it.

She told me this in person and we ended up crying together for hours but I forgave her. Even though I felt cheated on.

A week after this happened, I went through her texts messages again and I saw convo's like:

Him: I hope you're single by the next festival
Her: Why you have a girlfriend? xD

Him: I bought a new car, do you wanna fuck in it?
Her: Do you even have to ask?

Like she doesn't start the flirting but she isn't exactly telling him to stop.

Then we had this massive talk which got really out of hand, she ended up cutting herself because everything was too much for her. I literally had to pin her down because she seriously wanted to harm herself even more. But basically she confessed to me that she really loved me but that she just isn't strong enough to say no to this guy? She said that she's afraid to hurt me in case something does happen between them in real life. And how angry she was at me for going through her texts and invading her privacy. And afterwards she said she needed space.

We're still together but I'm constantly worried about what's going to happen next, because I just don't trust this situation.

Now she's giving me really short and slow replies all day long, but she said it's because of her exams which is probably kinda true, but I feel like that's not the only reason.

Last night she sent me this super long and RUDE message about how "dependant and childish" I am, how I still need my dad with me to drive to her house (it's because my dad can't miss his car for the entire weekend and i still don't have my own car, so when i arrive there, he drives back home), how i talk to this lesbian girl when she's not around, how I study office and apparantly I could study something better, how I never get angry at her? and she also said that she expected something different from the sex. She knows I still have my infection and we had sex a few times, but 2 out of the 4 times, it really hurt because of my infection. And I please her in other ways regulary so I don't know what else I could do more lol.

After this long text, we argued for the entire night and then I left her alone for a while.

After a few hours, she called me 10 times because she had a panic attack and she wasn't feeling too well, I wasn't feeling too well either because her text made me feel like shit.
But yet I answered, and I've been there for her. And then she was really sweet towards me again for a little while?

I've got my exams coming up and graduation is so close, but because of all this, I literally feel sick, and I don't sleep well.
I honestly don't know where all of this went wrong, she was the sweetest girl in the first 3 months, but for the past few weeks it feels like i don't know her anymore?

But I honestly can't lose her :'( Most of the time she made me feel so loved and I don't want to lose her or her family. I feel so at home when I'm at her house and I just don't know what to do anymore.