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    Letting go, feeling bad

    by , 11-08-2019 at 02:15 AM (80 Views)
    Thoughts & Stuff
    Slept without pillow. I guess I'm getting better. Let go of trying. Letting go of need to meditate or doing it in a specific way. Instead just be meditating.

    The question is whether if it's better to push through things even if they are boring. Or to vary it a little to keep it fresh. I'm just pondering the difference between two conflicting mindsets: one view is based on consistent practice daily, while the other belief is that taking breaks gives you time for self reflection and refill motivation. I think maybe it's somewhere in the middle, but also just being instead of thinking. If you have fun doing it, does it really matter?

    Wondering... Pondering... meandering.

    Is it MILD? Being aware?

    Also a little pot. Recall was about the same. Honestly could be why I felt so stupid in my dream, but i also could have been more aware than the last couple of days. However it did help me process my thoughts and stopped me from over thinking for a little. It helped with self reflection. It helped me remember... Deeper states of mediation. In moderation perhaps it is a good tool.

    ***While I was in the deep state, it made me remember. It's the exact same feeling of complete lucidity in dreams. Or very close to it- And I suppose I had easier time in the summer, because I was this state more often while meditating outdoors, greeted by the honest rays of the warm summer sun; brilliantly illuminating- it was clearing the clouds both within and without. I remember it was easy. Even though it's cold now, it can still be easy. And it is easy... right?

    Everything I've said, or wondered is perhaps all useless. Completely useless thoughts masquerading as useful, distracting me from practice. Am I aware enough to realize?

    I guess in short, it's... Living it, instead of practicing it.

    Dreams and stuff
    Did not DJ every dream.

    Heading to sleep, was close to wild as the HI was getting clear and real, decided to move though to get comfortable. This stopped it.

    I was in the kitchen and saw bananas. And a lot more ripe ones in the next room. A lot of bananas.
    *ate bananas

    Was in a house. Drove to supermarket. Parked there. When I was out had uneasy feeling. Realized I parked diagonally and on handicap spot. People berating. ..

    I was glad I didn't drive anymore. In high rise apartment. There was vr hologram.

    I knew something was amiss but I couldn't figure it out. I felt tortured. I felt stupid. Felt like I wanted to die. Awareness present, but not enough to be lucid, semi, perhaps.

    Actions, died a little. This caused me to wake.

    *this dream was close to lucid nightmare. Not lucid but I know the feeling of lucid nightmares. I guess it didn't turn into one because I ended the dream. could be a good sign?
    * I remembered the exact feeling was that of a need. The wanting of things to end. It's the exact feeling of the lucid nightmare where the dream ended into another dream into another. The feeling was there but not as lucid.

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    Updated 11-08-2019 at 04:14 AM by 96162