Thread: DCs Say the Darndest Things

my DC's usually ride scooters

I keep rereading that Auron, and it doesn't stop being funny

Months after a zombie apocalypse has engulfed the world, a lone moron somehow wanders into the middle of the country (without encountering a single undead creature) to where I am with Daryl Dixon. Upon seeing me she exclaims, "There are zombies out here!! Did you know there are zombies out here?"
I open my mouth to say something sarcastic when I'm rudely interrupted by a zombie lumbering out of nowhere. He opens his arms wide to bear-hug the unfortunately simple woman. >.>

So in my dream I was dancing with the girl like when suddenly my grandma appears out of nowhere and here is how the conservation went.

Dc(Grandma): Hey Tye she's pretty cute you should ask her out.
Me: She has a boyfriend grandma (in an angry tone)
Dc(Grandma): You're not going to get any pussy with the attitude.

I woke up and laughed so freaking hard after that, so awkward coming from my grandma.

best gma ever

A DC told me: "Paul Getty thinks you are luminous." Googling turned up rich people. I still haven't received my inheritance.

Me: (Splashing around) The water doesn't even feel like water! (not lucid, but actually believing I was in a virtual reality game)

I'm very exited after I saw some pictures in a newspaper about some Vampire Gothic Style film which apparently has a lot of hot scenes, blood and sex. When I'm turning on the PC in order to google about this film (which I was not able to read a single word in the paper), I get to the OS login screen:

Me *start typing some user account and password I cannot clearly remember that moment*: What was it?
DC Wife *speaking with some girl friend*: I changed the login password.
Me: What!!???
DC Wife: It's [she says some unintelligible word in German].
Me: What!!???
DC Wife: Yes, it's [repeats the word]. It's the name of the street where we used to live before.
Me *completely out of place trying to remember where was it*: Why did you do that!!??
DC Wife: Someone could see it from the window.
Me *desperately trying to type the old password with the hope she was not able to really change it*: It's a second floor!! Who could ever do that!??
DC Wife *turns and tells her friend in a very confident manner*: I saw someone working on the street lighting.
Me *my desperation turns into anger*: Why did you do such things just to feed your paranoia!!??

woke up unable to log in...

Even in my dreams people tease me for being short.

I'm in a group led by Jack from Lost, we're crossing a parking lot and a guy on the far side of the group notices that someone left the back door to his van open.
So I go over to fix it for him and for some reason it's got a top and a bottom that are hinged independently. I get the bottom half closed but the spare tire is in the way and I can't put enough pressure on the top to make it click.
Jack comes over to help me.
As we're walking away he says, mildly amused "you couldn't close a van door because you're too short."
I pretend to be offended.
"Jack, I could reach it I just...couldn't get...enough..leverage."
He chuckles. "Because you're too short."
"Fine, damn it, I'm too short. Jerk."

I've got a few more recent ones, though I personally don't think they're anything too special.

Walking down a street with my friend, I kept hearing a repeated song lyric about betrayal. Then was passed a dog and someone said to it: "You pooped."

A few nights later, I dreamed of being in a seaside café, trying to order some orange squash from the guy behind the counter. But even though I could see what I believed to be orange squash on the shelf behind him, he was uncertain about serving me some. Instead he suggested something fizzy, to which I responded I didn't like fizzy stuff (which is true in reality). The girl who was standing at the counter beside me, a fellow customer I assumed, suddenly said to me: "Oh come on, you're supposed to be living the bastard life!"

A few nights after that, I dreamed of being back in school with my old class, and a teacher who wasn't the maths teacher was asking us what we liked about maths. A friend of mine said he liked it because you could learn Greek words, and when asked for an example he said: "Trystomega". As far as I know, only 'omega' is a Greek word, meaning 'big o'.

And this one was from a few years ago, and I don't think I've ever posted it here. If I already have, then apologies for the repetition.
Travelling home on the college bus, we stopped an at unusual place along a familiar part of the route, where someone wished to get off. A bloke was standing there waiting to get on. The driver (who was actually one of my maths teachers instead of the regular driver) looked at him with curiosity. The bloke outside said: "Hello. My name's Matt. Can I come on the bus please? I'm interested in the dream world." The response from the driver/maths teacher was: "My advice to you, Matt, is to get lost." He closed the doors and we drove on without another word.

My mom woke me up in bed and started shouting at me. "You're a nutmukked megaped! You do nothing! I want to put you up for adoption! You're ugly! You're sexy!" I asked her how I was sexy and was trying to comprehend her answer but I woke up.

Haha wow!!

Originally Posted by TwilightShawn

My mom.... "You're sexy!" I asked her how I was sexy and was trying to comprehend her answer but I woke up.

Had to do some searching, but I found some!

DC to another DC: "She has sex with her boyfriend, then masturbates, then has sex with the other girl." (Non LD)

DC to me: "How we gonna do it?!" (Randomly trying to have sex with me in school in a non LD)

Me: "These carrots are for all of us dumbass!" (NLD)

DC to me: "That girl is annoying the piss out of me. Whichever one of you guys gets rid of her, I'll have sex with you."(NLD)

DC to me: "The only way to stop us is to destroy that indestructible net!"(LD)

Me: "This is a dream!"
DC: "No it's not."
Me: "Really? Watch me make this ball go through my hand!" *Grab ball on table, fail to make it go through hand* (LD)

My friend to the judge at Heaven's entrance: "Man why we gotta do this shit?"
*His quote is then put on a plaque on a wall nearby* (NLD)

DC to DC: "What was that?"
Other DC: "A lesbian kiss" (NLD)

One of my personal favorites:
Me on phone: Hello?
Brother: Where the hell are you?!
Me: Doing endurance exercises at Lauren's house.
Brother: I'm coming over to kick your ass!
(NLD)

Me: *Starts flying away*
DC: Whoa!
DC: That guy is flying!
DC: How's he doing that?! (LD)

It was Hurley from Lost, I see this in text but I can hear his voice too "No, dude, it's fine! Don't worry about it, I'm alright, I just got hit by a meteor!" He sounds irritated and a little sarcastic.

This is literally the best thread of all time. My favorite quote was the one where the librarian slit the throats of the two ambling girls. I laughed for like five minutes it was so random and funny.

Just remembered some other ones.

This one is from last night while I'm slow dancing with the girl I like.
Girl: Your breath smells
Me: I just ate, I can't help it
Girl: Okay, that's fine *Presses up against me, and I feel her wonderful breasts on my chest *

This one's from a few months ago:
Hannah(IRL friend): Yeah, I just wanted to tell you my sister Rachel really likes you.
Me: YESSSS *Wakes up*
Me:

This is from a few weeks ago:
Me, my RL friend Matt, and two girls are getting drunk and high around a circle table at my grandparents' house.
Girl 1: I bet you're gay. You probably don't even like girls.
Me: Are you kidding? I ain't gay and I'll prove it! *Looks at other girl's boobs closely* I'd fuck you so hard.
Girl 2: Lets go then.
(We go upstairs and have sex, then Matt comes up and watches us. Turns out its his sister, but he doesn't have one IRL)

This one is also from a few months ago:
(I'm having sex with a girl and my RL friend Joey is nearby watching. I grab my ipad and open the camera app. I look at Joey and hand him the ipad.)
Me: you're the one who wants to be a director, so you film this!
Joey: Okay! *Starts filming as we continue*

This one's a few years old, but still cracks me up:
I'm walking alone when a party bus passes. It stops and a blonde chick comes out.
Girl: Wanna get on?
Me: I can't, I've really got to get home.
Girl: Pleaaaase...*Pulls down shirt strap suggestively*
Me: Fine
(Scene switches over and we're having sex(I have WAY too many sex dreams) on my bed. My older brother is sitting across the room on his PC as if we aren't there; the girl suddenly changes into another girl, then into Selena Gomez)
Brother: SELENA!!!! *Runs over and hugs her*

This next one is from a few years ago as well:
(I become lucid, still under the watch of the female werewolves. Our guard can't resist having girl talk, so leaves me and my friend. I now run off and my friend follows. As we go up a staircase he trips.)
Friend: Go on without me!!!
Me: Get up you idiot!!!
Friend: I can't! Leave me here!
Me: Dude come on, you just need to stand up!
Friend: Go on without me!
Me: Whatever! *I run away and as I exit through a doorway all I can hear is my friend being devoured by werewolves and his screams*

The last two were the only lucids btw

Me: "It's okay, everybody! There are no boobies here! *whips out penis* But there are pee-pees!"

I then proceeded to wave my penis around and sing, "Doo-dee-doo-lee-doo!"

This was several years ago, thankfully.

Me: "Why is he so sad if he has so much power?"
random DC: "Because of he's not with his daughter"

Later in the same dream, I see the same guy swimming with his daughter but still unhappy:

Me: "He's finally with his daughter, why is he still sad?"
random DC: "Because of he lost all of his power"

DC-Girl: "I missed you."
Me: "Oh, you did?"
DC-Girl: "Yes, but I replaced you with.. Nazis, Hitler and the thing were the two sides... the one with the red flag.."
Me: "The Cold War?"
DC-Girl laughing: "Yes, exactly!"

Wasn't really a DC that said this, unless you count computers. I was on my school laptop doing a statewide testing and on the screen was the question:T Rex asuaral assault rifle? And the answers were: yes, no, and can you repeat the question. It would have been perfect if maybe was in there.


Another dream I had last night, the character T-bag from Prison Break was throwing sharpened GameCube discs at me and getting them stuck in my back so I went up and choked him out. He yelled "THE RIDDLER" as he passed out. Melatonin dreams are freakin weird.

A man summons Arthas in my bedroom. The Lich King demands to know why the deformed man at my door has one leg stump that is more red than the other. When I say I don't know, he tells me that as the man's creator, I should know. He tells me I need to figure it out. I pace around the room frantically.
Deformed man: don't worry, miss. It won't be so bad.
Me: NO! If I don't figure it out, Arthas will rip my face off and....he'll rip my face off and eat it!

From just last night...

I was walking through a supermarket with a friend, who was talking to someone on a mobile telephone. By the sounds of it, he was organising what to take on a picnic, or at least that's what I deduced. I heard him say something along the lines of: "I'll have onions, lettuce, and suicide."
This caused me to laugh extensively in the dream.

From last night's lucid...

Me: Mom, calm down this is a dream!
Mom: *Keeps crying and rambling*
Me: Mom, calm down this is a dream!
Mom:*Makes a pretend gun gesture with hand to me* I'll kill you.
Me:*Proceeds outside, ignoring the "threat"*
Dad: (In a joyful and warm tone) Okay son, just stay out of my fucking house!