Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Speaking of drugs, I'm doing MUCH better now. Just got out of a super hot shower and I didn't wait for the pain to get worse (it was already a 7-8 on a scale to 10) and I went ahead and took the Pyridium too. But I probably shouldn't have. While in the shower it occurred to me that I've had those meds since around the summer of 2000.
I don't have a UTI so I have no idea what's causing the pain. My urine is normal- it's neon yellow for the first few hours of the day because of the vitamin B-50 Complex that I take- but then it's clear. I have no fever. In fact, my temp is it's usual low 97.1 Could dehydration cause pain like that? It felt like someone was tracing my UT (?) from my kidney all the way out with a sharp nail. Hopefully, it's passed. I just REALLY need to start drinking more water and lay off the Coke!!!!!!! My lower back is still throbbing a little, but it's tolerable.

Khh, sorry to hear you're going through such hell. Have you tried "natural" remedies like St. John's Wort or Vallerian? I don't have much faith in them but I've heard some people swear by them. Do you keep a journal? I've gone back to keeping my daily log- I write down when I wake up, what I eat and drink, any exercises I do, meds I take, when I sleep. Then I write down the quality and amount of my sleep as well as the intensity and duration of any pain or aches etc that I have. I write my dreams in it and anything else I feel is noteworthy.
To an outsider, it would be the worlds most boring diary lol, but it helps me keep track of what going in with me and in me, it helps to find patterns. And if you know something you can more easily (in theory ) change what needs changed.

Can you go for a walk every day or just sit in the sun for a while? Things that help break the daily grind and rut can improve a persons mood. Diet, of course, can help.
But meds CAN help most of all. Call the people your Dr. recommended. You know your pattern. Don't talk down to yourself or talk yourself out of getting help.
I hope you find some relief soon.

**EDIT**
Melanie. I think I would kill myself lol. I would NOT be able to handle heat like that!!!
Try to keep cool.

***EDIT***
The pain is back. The drugs didn't do crap. I just got out of another shower. Now I'm going to venture out for some bengay and heated patches. The heat is what's helping I guess. I even added 1/4 of Valium to my pain cocktail. I'm ready for sleep but I can't for the pain.
Maybe it's not my UT after all. Perhaps it's an ovarian cyst or something. My period disappeared after half a week (my period's are for 7 days).
Ugh...

Ok...I guess I'm not pregnant. This is actually seriously depressing me. I had just begun to get excited about it and start thinking of names and everything. I feel so shitty now.

Maybe this song will cheer you up:

melanieb: 110 here. I feel your pain. My AC is a piece, too, so it sucks. I'm sweating like a.... something that sweats a lot...

I ranted earlier about a 6 dollar charge to my account. I went and talked to the lady at the bank and she said that it was, apparently, an annual charge for having a debit card. >.< no big deal, as long as I know what the hell it was, but seriously? Why do they charge for that? I'm pretty sure I had to pay to get the damn thing. I think it's silly. My fiancee actually gets paid 10 dollars to use his card, but he's banking with a credit union, so... yea. Guess I should switch? I hardly use that account anyway. Just there for backup.

My son's rash isn't getting much better, still screaming and making mommy cry in rage afterwards. God, I really need to control my anger. I don't want him to think it's his fault. I just can't hold him down long enough. We both smell like we bathed in Desitin. >.<

Hopefully a bath will make him feel better. I've been way too stressed out today, and the heat is not helping.

Zhay: That sounds painful. I remember having a UTI once and I couldn't leave the bathroom or stop crying. Sucks. You don't think it's that though, huh? My mom would make me take grape seed extract, just a few drops, to help make it go away. It worked, but that shit tastes horrible.

Broken: I've been there. I'm actually having my second, and I was kinda rooting for ya. Just to know I'm not one of the only pregnant girls on this forum, lol. Then again, I'm happy that you aren't because I can imagine having two kids that close in age... gee... think of how many diapers you'd be changing a day! I think I'm going to have my hands full with a newborn and a two year old. close in age is always a plus, too though.

@Suena - Try a credit union. The fees are usually non-existent and I get overdraft protection.

It got up to 109F today. Set a record for the day and the month. It seems it ran all the way up into Nebraska and Wyoming.


My A/C has a thermostat problem and won't cycle on except for about 5 minutes every hour. It's painfully hot in this house. Cooking dinner didn't help.

Let's go on vacation!

I had a similar charge (exactly 6 dollars) with my bank (I also have a credit union) the other day and it is a service charge for having the card. Usually, it is an annual fee, but some places will charge you if you don't maintain a minimum balance of at least $100.00 -- be it savings or checking. I think it sucks, but whatever. Credit Unions are definitely the way to go, but there are certain restrictions that apply to membership. The only reason I opened up a bank account is because I was half the country away and didn't have access to my credit union when I was in Colorado. CU > Banks -- 8 days out of the week.

Originally Posted by melanieb

@Suena - Try a credit union. The fees are usually non-existent and I get overdraft protection.

It got up to 109F today. Set a record for the day and the month. It seems it ran all the way up into Nebraska and Wyoming.


My A/C has a thermostat problem and won't cycle on except for about 5 minutes every hour. It's painfully hot in this house. Cooking dinner didn't help.

Let's go on vacation!

lol Where should we go? Antarctica?

And I didn't cook dinner for that reason. Gotta love microwave dinners and the deli section at the grocery store!

Warheit: Thank god they don't charge me for a minimum balance. The only time I ever used it was to pay my car payment, but since my fiancee got checks (finally) we just use his account. He never seems to get charged for anything. And like Melanie said, he can't overdraft. The card won't be accepted if he does. I've never had a problem with overdrafting though. Just this time, but they didn't charge me the fee.

Sounds like you got a good plan with your fiancee and using checks. I still used checks for some things. Most people our age don't even know how to write checks!

But seriously, buck fanks. Bank of the West has charged service fees to me on two or three separate occasions and I think it is a crock of piss. You have to use your debit (with your PIN #) at least 10 times a month too, otherwise they charge you a service fee for having an account with them. So really, it's a set of a few dumb standards. (I only have the "basic checking account")

That being said. . . I have never had any good luck with banks. Wells Fargo blew dick at dealing with my student loans and I've heard nothing but horror stories from other people on different banks, but assumed Bank of the West would be better. It isn't bad, the service fees are just stupid, but I was aware of what I was getting into. I just didn't have the cash at the time when I opened my account to be able have an account where fees weren't applicable. Their customer service has been top notch though and I appreciate the friendly faces each time I go there. I miss the girls from the Colorado location, they were smokin' fine.

Antarctica might be a little much. No decent food there.

Alaska might be nice. Or maybe British Columbia.


I would have bought delivery or something but I'm broke. I hate summers sometimes.

Originally Posted by Suena

110 here. I feel your pain. My AC is a piece, too, so it sucks. I'm sweating like a.... something that sweats a lot...

It got up to 109F today. Set a record for the day and the month.

ooh you are both so lucky.

my rant: i wish it was over 100 degrees here everyday. i love extreme heat.
(I'm dead serious to.)

Sorry to hear your little guy isn't doing much better, Suena.
As for kids close in age...
My first son was born August of 1992.
My second son came Aug '94 then my daughters were Nov. '95 and Dec. '96 *whew*

It wasn't the diaper changes and late nights that killed me but these teenage years!!!! lol

I don't know what's going on with me. It FEELS like a UTI and the pain SEEMS to be in the right area for it, but the color is normal, I have no fever etc which is not typical. It doesn't burn when I pee which also isn't typical.
When the pain is really bad I feel an urge to bear down, which is really really strange lol
The patches I bought helped for a few hours, but the pain is back. I'm going to go get yet another hot shower then try to get some sleep...

Hubby just called and said it sounds like an ovarian cyst. Blah....

More money problems. We took the puppies up to hunt so we could sell them. They didn't except any of them because they are a pound underweight. The lady said that they look healthy and fat, but they are just built small. We have no gas money or bill money until next Thursday. But we have it better than a lot of people. So I shall keep moving forward!

Oh and it hit 105 degrees today. And it's very humid.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Government not funding schools? :O And thanks!

Dopamine interacts with a pretty wide array of systems, and a lot of them involve things like getting you closer to waking up and increasing stereotyped or impulsive behavior. Others may actually lower your chances of getting lucid, though they would still make your dreams crazier. It's doable, but there are better ways to work with it. Now, if you're talking about modifying dopamine levels in only specific areas of the brain and in fixed ratios with other chemicals through different neurotransmitter systems... then you might have an interesting concept going. Off the top of my head, I'd say a selective 5-HT1A agonist might have some dream-enhancing properties, possibly even keeping you asleep more easily while still enhancing cognition. It's possible that the dopamine release it causes may attenuate some endocannabimimetic loss of cognition associated with non-lucidity in the same way that cannabidiol reduces the schizophrenia-like symptoms of THC. Maybe I'll add that affinity to my lucid dream drug.

I'm not convinced with serotonin helping dreams at all. Just from experience.

And yeah the government not funding schools thing was just the thing I ranted about like 10 times a few months ago lol
Was just gonna cost me a small fortune to go back and study. It's getting worse too....
God damn conservative state government is fucking everything to hell.

Originally Posted by GavinGill

I feel so fucking weak, like a feeble old man. I can't exert myself physically at all without worrying about my health, I spend all day sitting around bored out of my fucking mind, and I can't help but feel nervous about the upcoming surgery. Hopefully it'll just be minor. Worst of all, I can't smoke marijuana so now I'm back to where I was before I started "medicating" - a constant state of anxiety. How the hell I'm I supposed to be a functioning member of society if I'm too nervous to even hold up a conversation over the fucking phone?

The medical marijuana laws are a joke here in Canada, the federal government hounds and subjects doctors to (il)legal persecution if they try to participate in the MMJ program. When the feds threaten to subject you to public humiliation and take away your medical licence for participating in what's supposed to be a legal program, it's no wonder that less than 1% of the doctors in this country bother going through with process. And if you're lucky enough to find a doctor who has the balls to prescribe it to you, you end up having to pay thousands of dollars for your licence... after several long months of waiting. Oh and anxiety, no matter how severe or socially crippling, doesn't count as a valid medical condition or warrant a MMJ license as far as the government's concerned... even though the courts ordered the federal government to change it's medical marijuana laws. A court order which the Conservatives simply chose to ignore.

I could work out regularly to help take the edge off, but then I run the risk of having my lungs collapse... for the third fucking time. So now I have to sit here and listen to my parents nag me about not being productive. >_>

Why can't you eat the weed? Or vaporise?
With the anxiety, just keep working at it man. I know it's shite advice, but it's the only advice. You need to stop thinking about it and just practice talking to people.
I thought not being able to talk to people was due to my anxiety for a really long time, but it was just that I literally didn't give a single fuck about anything most people said.
If you can find people who actually interest you, it will help to be able to start talking more.
It is good to be able to talk to people somewhat that you don't find interesting at all, coz you'll meet them all the time.
But you don't have to hold full conversations.

Originally Posted by sefalik

i think i need to "un-friend" a few people on facebook... four people now have posted pictures of dead groundhogs they shot. two of them posed in the picture wearing a full camo outfit.

actually, fuck it. i might as well just un-friend just about everyone... 90% of my "friends" are people who never even talked to me in high school.

Yeah I unfriended everyone and deleted my facebook.
The few people I had on there that I liked were not even worth staying on there for as I can SMS them or call them if I want.

Originally Posted by khh

FYI: I'm inibriated and ranting. So, you know, feel free to ignore this. I just periodically get these urges to gripe.

I'm so incredible tired of this depression thing I have. It seems to be perpetually cycling between "I feel bad, I have no energy, but I might muddle through" and "God damn it why can't I die". And I honestly can't say which period is worst, because in one I feel guilty about not getting what I need done and in the other I feel awful and anxious about all the world going to hell. And when I'm in a "good" period I feel I'm not down enough to get help, and when I'm really down I'm to anxious and have to little energy to try and get it. I can't count the times I've wished for a complete breakdown so I wouldn't have to care. Other people, empathy, sympathy, guilt, rationalizations... all these damn emotions. If it weren't for them...

I honesty can't quite remember the last time I was happy. I can recall the last time I was not depressed. It was a (single) day in December 2010, it must have been. Lasted for maybe a few hours.

I mean... I can recall going home from Elementary school mentally composing my suicide note... Who does that at age 10 - 11?

I actually tried to go to my GP once. He was incredibly understanding. I was able to tell him stuff I've hardly told anyone else (though most of it is included in this post). But then in the end he failed to give me an SSRI like I wanted... and instead told me to contact the student psychiatric help thing. Well, that's grand. It's not like it took me a freaking year to manage to schedule an appointment with you... That was in October 2011 or something, and of course I haven't managed to contact the psychiatric help thing yet. I mean, I hate calling and I have no energy... How am I supposed to make that appointment without getting hold of some good drugs first?

And that's another thing... Why is it so hard to get drugs? I mean, I know at least one person who smokes weed and whose friends do whatever. Why can't I just call him and ask for his dealer, so I can get through this? But no, I'm afraid of what he'll think. He's the freaking person who introduced me to weed, why would he judge me if I asked how to buy some? And still I can't.

But that's the thing, isn't it. You need to uphold a certain image at all times. You need to be the kid your parents wanted, you need to be a good but upstanding friend. Why are people so afraid of letting people down? Don't know. But it is apparently a pretty strong emotion.

And that leads me to another thing. The worst part about this depression is that I can find no fucking reason. I mean I'm from a steady, middle-to-upper class family that really loves me and does pay attention (though they miss the fact I'm depressed. How could they not: No one (me included) has ever seen me undepressed). I'm not lacking for money, all I just have to ask to have doctors bills refunded and I'm sure they'd be supportive as can be if I "confessed". So why do I feel like this... makes no sense.

I guess that concludes this rant.

TL;DR: Gah, emotions! Gah, where are the damn drugs?

Read my advice to Gavin above. Pretty much applies to you. SSRI's won't help. Or if they do they'll leave you a zombie.
It's not necessarily a "bad" state. But it's not living.

And yeah, everyone should change to a credit union instead of a normal bank. Fuck those people.
The only reason I changed from a credit union is coz the one near me had horrible, horrible security.
I'd say no one should have a credit card either, but.... pretty hard to convince people of that.

Hooray for random insomnia! Well, no, it's not that I can't get to sleep, it's that I don't stay asleep for very long. And now that I've had a shower, I just don't feel tired anymore. It's 4:30 in my timezone, so... fuck it.

On the bright side, I don't think I have anything particularly important to do today. And tonight I get to experiment with mild sleep deprivation.

Edit: ...the fuck? Everyone's post is in bright pink! (Or my monitor's broken.) Alright, one of the mods/admins must be trolling. ...right? Reality check time!

hehee, what a pretty color

I'm not in pain yet. Hopefully I wont be. But I am very nauseous. And VERY cold. What weird weather.
I slept wonderfully last night but woke at 7 to call my brother. He was going to come over to see me today because one of my old friends wanted to come over. If hubby sees him, my brother might get shot (not really, but hubby hates him THAT much).
Tuesdays are safer because hubby's in surgery all day. Any other day, he comes home for lunch and a nap and the time varies.

Other than that, my toe still feels weird but all is well. The toe I always pop had a weird, annoying and thick callous across the front of my toe starting at the nail. I ended up taking a scalpel to it the other night because the callous was that thick and annoying. Now my toe looks (to me) like chiseled glass lol. The callous is already trying to come back :back:

Ugh... time to go back to bed methinks.

"Um, what's this pink crap?"... remarks Wolfwood, the DC.

I actually like it like this, makes everything seem more cheerful.

Difficult to read for me.

Too light? I can make it darker if you want.

Originally Posted by tommo

I'm not convinced with serotonin helping dreams at all. Just from experience.

And yeah the government not funding schools thing was just the thing I ranted about like 10 times a few months ago lol
Was just gonna cost me a small fortune to go back and study. It's getting worse too....
God damn conservative state government is fucking everything to hell.

Ah, that really sucks.... :/

Serotonin doesn't help with dreams at all, but 5-HT1A agonists aren't the same thing as serotonin. 5-HT1A is generally actually an antiserotonergic receptor, like 5-HT2A. Their main properties are modulating the activity of things like dopamine, glutamate, acetylcholine, and endocannabinoids, and lowering levels of serotonin. DOI was actually found to increase the frequency and duration of REM phases and 5-HT2A likely plays a very large role in REM sleep, though I wouldn't exactly recommend to people to take a 5-HT2A agonist before bed lol. But the 5-HT1A receptor is important in regulating some of the functions of 5-HT2A, and it appears to make it less psychotic and cloudy in effect. Psychedelics that effect both receptors for example would be like psilocin, LSD, DMT, etc., whereas ones that are more selective for 5-HT2A would be DOI, DOB, bromo-dragonfly, etc....

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Khh, sorry to hear you're going through such hell. Have you tried "natural" remedies like St. John's Wort or Vallerian? I don't have much faith in them but I've heard some people swear by them. Do you keep a journal? I've gone back to keeping my daily log- I write down when I wake up, what I eat and drink, any exercises I do, meds I take, when I sleep. Then I write down the quality and amount of my sleep as well as the intensity and duration of any pain or aches etc that I have. I write my dreams in it and anything else I feel is noteworthy.
To an outsider, it would be the worlds most boring diary lol, but it helps me keep track of what going in with me and in me, it helps to find patterns. And if you know something you can more easily (in theory ) change what needs changed.

Can you go for a walk every day or just sit in the sun for a while? Things that help break the daily grind and rut can improve a persons mood. Diet, of course, can help.
But meds CAN help most of all. Call the people your Dr. recommended. You know your pattern. Don't talk down to yourself or talk yourself out of getting help.
I hope you find some relief soon.

Thank you.
Yeah, tried those. Didn't seem to help much. Thank you. I guess I could go into the sun each day, all of that stuff... But I'm having a hard time finding initiative, even the days I do have energy.

Originally Posted by brokedownheart

Ok...I guess I'm not pregnant. This is actually seriously depressing me. I had just begun to get excited about it and start thinking of names and everything. I feel so shitty now.

Originally Posted by tommo

I'm not convinced with serotonin helping dreams at all. Just from experience.

And yeah the government not funding schools thing was just the thing I ranted about like 10 times a few months ago lol
Was just gonna cost me a small fortune to go back and study. It's getting worse too....
God damn conservative state government is fucking everything to hell.


Why can't you eat the weed? Or vaporise?
With the anxiety, just keep working at it man. I know it's shite advice, but it's the only advice. You need to stop thinking about it and just practice talking to people.
I thought not being able to talk to people was due to my anxiety for a really long time, but it was just that I literally didn't give a single fuck about anything most people said.
If you can find people who actually interest you, it will help to be able to start talking more.
It is good to be able to talk to people somewhat that you don't find interesting at all, coz you'll meet them all the time.
But you don't have to hold full conversations.


Yeah I unfriended everyone and deleted my facebook.
The few people I had on there that I liked were not even worth staying on there for as I can SMS them or call them if I want.


Read my advice to Gavin above. Pretty much applies to you. SSRI's won't help. Or if they do they'll leave you a zombie.
It's not necessarily a "bad" state. But it's not living.

And yeah, everyone should change to a credit union instead of a normal bank. Fuck those people.
The only reason I changed from a credit union is coz the one near me had horrible, horrible security.
I'd say no one should have a credit card either, but.... pretty hard to convince people of that.

Originally Posted by MindGames

Too light? I can make it darker if you want.

edit: Meant to say more, ran out of time. I'll do so later.

Originally Posted by Wolfwood

Difficult to read for me.

I know. Ugh. Too bright.

This thread has grown so huge... I have to scroll a lot to get to the bottom