Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Hmmm, when I'm low on sleep (or have no sleep), my anxiety is the first thing to flare though, appearing as CONSTANT freagin yawning. And then my bladder seems to shrink to about the size of a pea lol
My cognitive abilities greatly diminish, my inhibitions go way down and I become more social, my libido tends to go through the roof, I become more emotional and I'm more prone to SI :shrug: I also feel more creative.

I hope you've gotten some rest Dianeva.

I've been abusing the crap out of caffeine for the last couple of days. I got 5 hours of sleep last night... errrr, today.... but it was good sleep. But I had no dream recall because I pretty much jumped out of bed and started moving about right away.
No real rants except my boys are driving me bananas. They're bored. I tell them "bored people are boring people" lol If they look hard enough, they can find something to do.

There's been a deer hanging out behind the trailer. She was laying down in the same spot as yesterday, so I went out back to make sure she wasn't shot or something. I didn't even get close before she took off running. So I guess she's fine
The neighbor stopped mowing behind the house, so the grass is very tall. There are deer trails everywhere. It's a nice shady area and the dogs don't tend to go back there, so I guess the deer have adopted the area.

Meesha, the puppy, is sick. Every time she goes outside she munches on the grass. She's sleeping a lot more today, but she has no fever and she's eating and drinking normally, so it's probably just a bellyache.

Rant: Sometimes I think I dream too big. I wonder how many other people spend their days trying to design supplements that would force you to become lucid every single time you took them, or psychedelic drugs that would be stronger than DMT. *sigh*

On the flip side, it'll be pretty satisfying if I actually pull it off one day.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Hmmm, when I'm low on sleep (or have no sleep), my anxiety is the first thing to flare though, appearing as CONSTANT freagin yawning. And then my bladder seems to shrink to about the size of a pea lol
My cognitive abilities greatly diminish, my inhibitions go way down and I become more social, my libido tends to go through the roof, I become more emotional and I'm more prone to SI :shrug: I also feel more creative.

Your D2 receptors are becoming upregulated to make up for the lack of sleep, those are all D2 effects.

/Useless information.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Rant: Sometimes I think I dream too big. I wonder how many other people spend their days trying to design supplements that would force you to become lucid every single time you took them, or psychedelic drugs that would be stronger than DMT. *sigh*

On the flip side, it'll be pretty satisfying if I actually pull it off one day.

Well, I go around expecting to get pattents I can make millions of, so... I think we're all nuts

edit: Also, after a day of having no energy I've finally woken up. Too bad it's 1 AM and I'm trying to sleep >.<

I'm generally very confused and frustrated lately. Now that school, which I think is almost always horrible, is over for now and I've got a long vacation, boredom has simply taken over. This makes me feel like everything is a waste of time... When school just feels like idiocy and something I just have to survive, while my free time feels empty and worthless.

I hate living with my dad, I always feel so delightfully free when he isn't there. When he is there, I get irritated at him because of his behaviours. He constantly asks about stuff like whether or not I have homeworks or exam-related things. Everything else is just the most shallow conversations ever possible. He will often tell me great tales about any and all insipid thing he is doing, like when he has painted this thing white or he'll explain in great detail what weird food he's about to make. It sometimes feels like when I encounter him, he just tries to dump a load of questions and informations on me, so even if I'm just getting something from the kitchen, I sort of have to nudge my way out like I'm trying to free myself from a thorny bush on my way out. Recently he broke his arm, so any and all conversation has been about that. I've been told what he can do and what he can't do and what pill he has just taken and he'd constantly relay how painful it is. I feel like I'm being ignored and that everything revolves around him, and at the same time I feel like a complete asshole for thinking that, because it ironically seems to make me an ego-centric shit.
A lot of these annoyances are also extremely irrational on my side. For example, my dad has this habit of making random sounds all the time. He'll sing along to songs which I find extremely infuriating, and he has recently been playing loud music. When we eat, he makes that "Mmmm" noise at the end or another wordless expression of "I just ate food now I'm no longer hungry." and it annoys me because I feel like he's trying to communcate with me and thus wants some kind of response.
He similarly makes other sounds for whatever else he's doing, and it annoys me to no end that he can't just tell me what he wants to tell me, instead of making me inquire about it when he vaguely says "argh" to his screen. And then again, I realize this may be utterly irrational as I have no idea whether or not he actually expects a response.

I also have this irrational 'fear' of him hearing anything I do. A few days ago I decided to do some exercise, but I decided against it when I realized that my weights made clinking noises when moving them around. And for some reason, I get extremely uncomfortable when my dad can hear what I do. This means I generally don't move around much, as our entire residence is made of very noisy woodwork. I think this may tie in with the fact that I don't really want him to know anything about me, for some reason. Currently I want to get a haircut, but firstly I've got so little initiative that I can't get myself off my ass to just get myself down there. Secondly, I can predict how frustrating it will be when I have to deal with my dad's inevitable surprise and enthusiasm about my haircut, as if it's the most important happening of the year.

Worst of all is that I can't even just move out. Maybe it's my own fault or maybe my upbringing has been a failure, but I don't know anything when it comes to general home things. I'm 19 years old and I rely on my dad to do everything in the house because no-body has ever taught me how to do these things. So now, if I want to learn how to cook, I have to take the initiative to join my dad. And as I wrote earlier, I have close to zero initiative, and on top of that, the prospect of having to cook with my dad seems to be a massive pain in the ass that I don't want to go through with. So I'm left in this dilemma where I really want to move out, but at the same time I realize that I simply don't know enough to make that happen.

I'm currently in a complete lockdown in my life. I've no idea what to do or where to go. There's one year left of school and I have absolutely no clue what I'm going to do after that. I hate the school system so I probably won't want to continue with anything that resembles what I've gone through up until now. So I guess I'll move out and get a job? Then what? Right now I have all the free time I could want, yet I'm so bored. I want to draw and improve my drawing abilities, yet I always end up just surfing around the same couple of forums and refreshing the same sites until something new pops up. I'll open up Photoshop and then do nothing. All the video games I could play feel like a massive waste of time and they aren't even entertaining anymore.

I also hate how I'm so reluctant all the time. I have a couple of 'friends' that I talk to every now and again, and they'll sometimes invite me to do whatever. Every single time, I'll always be extremely reluctant at first, so tempted to say no, and I can't figure out whether I should stick to my own feelings or succumb to their pressure.
Most of all, I hate how I have nobody I can really talk to. All of my 'friends' are either part of the things I feel are problems, or they're like my dad where were in a relationship of shallow bullshit that doesn't mean anything to anyone.
Back in the day I used to go into DV Chat and that's where I'd whine and rant and complain and I'd get some attention and feedback for it, but nowadays I seem to be ignored even in there. So I'm left completely to my own inner world where there's a flood of confusion going on. It's a complete disaster in there.

There's very few things that I want. But they exist, but those are ridden with other problematics...

tl;dr: I'm confused and I hate everybody and I suck at everything and I feel lonely

Originally Posted by littlezoe

Why do i have to be nice when i don't even want to?

Today i was waiting for the bus in the city, when a gypsy woman (who only had 2 teeth) come up to me and asked if i had 40Ft, because she comes from the hospital as she was operated and has no money to buy food... I know that most gypsies like doing tricks like this, so i asked her what would she buy with 40Ft, since it's a horribly tiny amount that you can't buy any serious food with. So she told me that she would buy 2 buns... that money is enough for that... so i gave it to her...

Then when i was about to cross the street, i looked back and she was at another person already, probably asking them the same thing...

Sigh... i really need to remember not to give any money to people like this... She probably just went to buy some cigarettes once she got enough money from the naive people...

Hehe, I still give these people money and don't worry. If cigarettes or alcohol makes them more happy than food, then so be it. I know in such situations I'd probably prefer drugs.

My friend spoiled the last episode of the Legend of Korra to me because he knew I didn't watch it yet. :bravo: What an intelligent guy! He is SUCH a genius thinking that- even though he knew me for more than 2 years- that I won't get him back! He is such a smart guy! I mean, good golly gosh! I'm burning his house down tomorrow! Won't that be a fun thing to do! I'm sure he will enjoy it. I mean, he wants me to right?

/sarcasm

To be honest I am actually very pissed off and I'm getting him back as I usually do to people who spoil shit for me...

I didn't talk to my friend for 2 years after he spoiled a soccer game for me.

Originally Posted by littlezoe

Why do i have to be nice when i don't even want to?

Today i was waiting for the bus in the city, when a gypsy woman (who only had 2 teeth) come up to me and asked if i had 40Ft, because she comes from the hospital as she was operated and has no money to buy food... I know that most gypsies like doing tricks like this, so i asked her what would she buy with 40Ft, since it's a horribly tiny amount that you can't buy any serious food with. So she told me that she would buy 2 buns... that money is enough for that... so i gave it to her...

Then when i was about to cross the street, i looked back and she was at another person already, probably asking them the same thing...

Sigh... i really need to remember not to give any money to people like this... She probably just went to buy some cigarettes once she got enough money from the naive people...

I thought this was a dream for a sec, wrong thread though I've never seen a real gypsy.
Is it better for her to buy food than cigarettes?
I'm sure she tries to get both. Coz people need to eat.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Rant: Sometimes I think I dream too big. I wonder how many other people spend their days trying to design supplements that would force you to become lucid every single time you took them, or psychedelic drugs that would be stronger than DMT. *sigh*

On the flip side, it'll be pretty satisfying if I actually pull it off one day.

haha! no, just a few days ago I was hypothesizing how it could be done. Not too seriously of course coz I have an extremely limited knowledge of chemistry.
And with the lucid dreaming supplement I was thinking they need some drugs that stop the brain down regulating chemicals when you supplement those chemicals.
Like the brain produces less dopamine when you take dopamine. I can't remember what dopamine is destroyed by, but we need something that inhibits that. For example.
Most likely candidate would be ACh inhibitors (which don't really have a tolerance afaik) and some dopamine agonist + something that stops your brain from down regulating your own dopamine.

Would you know how to create any ideas you come up with? If so, you're not dreaming too big. Or if you can learn how to, you're not dreaming to big.
If you do not know it or cannot learn it, then yeah you probably are. But at least you're dreaming. I have a feeling you're smart enough to pull it off though.

Originally Posted by Maeni

I'm generally very confused and frustrated lately. Now that school, which I think is almost always horrible, is over for now and I've got a long vacation, boredom has simply taken over. This makes me feel like everything is a waste of time... When school just feels like idiocy and something I just have to survive, while my free time feels empty and worthless.

I hate living with my dad, I always feel so delightfully free when he isn't there. When he is there, I get irritated at him because of his behaviours. He constantly asks about stuff like whether or not I have homeworks or exam-related things. Everything else is just the most shallow conversations ever possible. He will often tell me great tales about any and all insipid thing he is doing, like when he has painted this thing white or he'll explain in great detail what weird food he's about to make. It sometimes feels like when I encounter him, he just tries to dump a load of questions and informations on me, so even if I'm just getting something from the kitchen, I sort of have to nudge my way out like I'm trying to free myself from a thorny bush on my way out. Recently he broke his arm, so any and all conversation has been about that. I've been told what he can do and what he can't do and what pill he has just taken and he'd constantly relay how painful it is. I feel like I'm being ignored and that everything revolves around him, and at the same time I feel like a complete asshole for thinking that, because it ironically seems to make me an ego-centric shit.
A lot of these annoyances are also extremely irrational on my side. For example, my dad has this habit of making random sounds all the time. He'll sing along to songs which I find extremely infuriating, and he has recently been playing loud music. When we eat, he makes that "Mmmm" noise at the end or another wordless expression of "I just ate food now I'm no longer hungry." and it annoys me because I feel like he's trying to communcate with me and thus wants some kind of response.
He similarly makes other sounds for whatever else he's doing, and it annoys me to no end that he can't just tell me what he wants to tell me, instead of making me inquire about it when he vaguely says "argh" to his screen. And then again, I realize this may be utterly irrational as I have no idea whether or not he actually expects a response.

I also have this irrational 'fear' of him hearing anything I do. A few days ago I decided to do some exercise, but I decided against it when I realized that my weights made clinking noises when moving them around. And for some reason, I get extremely uncomfortable when my dad can hear what I do. This means I generally don't move around much, as our entire residence is made of very noisy woodwork. I think this may tie in with the fact that I don't really want him to know anything about me, for some reason. Currently I want to get a haircut, but firstly I've got so little initiative that I can't get myself off my ass to just get myself down there. Secondly, I can predict how frustrating it will be when I have to deal with my dad's inevitable surprise and enthusiasm about my haircut, as if it's the most important happening of the year.

Worst of all is that I can't even just move out. Maybe it's my own fault or maybe my upbringing has been a failure, but I don't know anything when it comes to general home things. I'm 19 years old and I rely on my dad to do everything in the house because no-body has ever taught me how to do these things. So now, if I want to learn how to cook, I have to take the initiative to join my dad. And as I wrote earlier, I have close to zero initiative, and on top of that, the prospect of having to cook with my dad seems to be a massive pain in the ass that I don't want to go through with. So I'm left in this dilemma where I really want to move out, but at the same time I realize that I simply don't know enough to make that happen.

I'm currently in a complete lockdown in my life. I've no idea what to do or where to go. There's one year left of school and I have absolutely no clue what I'm going to do after that. I hate the school system so I probably won't want to continue with anything that resembles what I've gone through up until now. So I guess I'll move out and get a job? Then what? Right now I have all the free time I could want, yet I'm so bored. I want to draw and improve my drawing abilities, yet I always end up just surfing around the same couple of forums and refreshing the same sites until something new pops up. I'll open up Photoshop and then do nothing. All the video games I could play feel like a massive waste of time and they aren't even entertaining anymore.

I also hate how I'm so reluctant all the time. I have a couple of 'friends' that I talk to every now and again, and they'll sometimes invite me to do whatever. Every single time, I'll always be extremely reluctant at first, so tempted to say no, and I can't figure out whether I should stick to my own feelings or succumb to their pressure.
Most of all, I hate how I have nobody I can really talk to. All of my 'friends' are either part of the things I feel are problems, or they're like my dad where were in a relationship of shallow bullshit that doesn't mean anything to anyone.
Back in the day I used to go into DV Chat and that's where I'd whine and rant and complain and I'd get some attention and feedback for it, but nowadays I seem to be ignored even in there. So I'm left completely to my own inner world where there's a flood of confusion going on. It's a complete disaster in there.

There's very few things that I want. But they exist, but those are ridden with other problematics...

tl;dr: I'm confused and I hate everybody and I suck at everything and I feel lonely

I can't really help you with anything that you are going through. I am younger and have not experienced any of that stuff. But I will say that DV chat sucks. People just post random shit with no meaning whatsoever. I'll try making an actual conversation and I pretty much get ignored, or what I say gets lost In a heap of nonsense.

Originally Posted by tommo

haha! no, just a few days ago I was hypothesizing how it could be done. Not too seriously of course coz I have an extremely limited knowledge of chemistry.
And with the lucid dreaming supplement I was thinking they need some drugs that stop the brain down regulating chemicals when you supplement those chemicals.
Like the brain produces less dopamine when you take dopamine. I can't remember what dopamine is destroyed by, but we need something that inhibits that. For example.
Most likely candidate would be ACh inhibitors (which don't really have a tolerance afaik) and some dopamine agonist + something that stops your brain from down regulating your own dopamine.

Would you know how to create any ideas you come up with? If so, you're not dreaming too big. Or if you can learn how to, you're not dreaming to big.
If you do not know it or cannot learn it, then yeah you probably are. But at least you're dreaming. I have a feeling you're smart enough to pull it off though.

Yeah, downregulation is a bummer. :T I'd say you're on the right track, though. :3 I wouldn't use dopamine though, I had that in mind before but I passed it up. I'm actually pretty sure I already know exactly how to do it... but I haven't said it here in case I actually can use it to get rich. X) I've spent the last good while now completely obsessed - perhaps dangerously so - with researching the brain and all of the potential factors involved in dreaming. I think I have it just about all figured out now, at least as much as we currently can. (Tomorrow, however, will show me how little I know today. )

I don't currently know how to synthesize the chemicals I design, but it seems that I am most likely going into a chemistry major. So with any luck I will be able to create them one day.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Yeah, downregulation is a bummer. :T I'd say you're on the right track, though. :3 I wouldn't use dopamine though, I had that in mind before but I passed it up. I'm actually pretty sure I already know exactly how to do it... but I haven't said it here in case I actually can use it to get rich. X) I've spent the last good while now completely obsessed - perhaps dangerously so - with researching the brain and all of the potential factors involved in dreaming. I think I have it just about all figured out now, at least as much as we currently can. (Tomorrow, however, will show me how little I know today. )

I don't currently know how to synthesize the chemicals I design, but it seems that I am most likely going into a chemistry major. So with any luck I will be able to create them one day.

Oh, well that's awesome. I was going to do chemistry too. Until all the shit happened with the government not funding schools anymore.
Good luck!

Oh and why don't you think dopamine is a good route?

dakotah & maeni - Totally understand what you're saying about chat. It does differ depending who's on. But yeah a lot of the time, all these new people are talking about some useless crap and there's like 10 conversations going on at once.... just so draining and basically impossible to keep up with.

It's great that we have new members, but some of them just.... think they're the shit and.... kind've destroy DV. haha

Maeni, I feel similarly toward my father. I think it stems from feeling inadequate or something. Like I don't measure up to the standards I should or whatever.
And he talks about that useless bullshit I don't care about. To me it sounds like your dad is probably trying to talk to you, to have a relationship, but he just doesn't know what to talk to you about. And you don't want to tell him anything because you think he probably won't think very highly of you.
That's just my opinion anyway. Based on my non-relationship with my dad, which is slightly different to yours.

EDIT: Oh yeah, this is what I came here to post. Looking online for jobs....
"Cook - Casual Cook With over 50 years of experience"

50 FUCKING YEARS! WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE????
Jesus christ....

Had no ride so I walked home from the next town over, Walk was fine, Had to wake up early to get started. Woulda helped if I didn't stay up partying last night, but then I would have just stayed home lol...
Any ways the only reason it really sucked is because how hot it was and I got Sunburned which hasn't happened to me since I was 6.

Maeni and Kitties.
Maeni, sounds like you're depressed to me. As a parent, it also sounds like your dad's trying to reach out.

As for giving people money... I'll occasionally give a few dollars to our town drunk.

My rant is that my upper back hurts between my shoulder blades. I keep popping the area, but it only seems to make it feel worse. I need to get it looked at one of these days. It's not quite been the same since a fell a few years back and broke my wrist.
I've also been fighting a headache for most of the day.

Hmmm... D2? I'm going to have to consult the Oracle about that lol
After that, I'll go spend 10 more hours redecorating my Farms on Farmville

I sleep on a bed that my great grandma slept on for god knows how long. She died 15 years ago. The mattress is at least 35 years old, my mom says it is 50. And I just noticed horribly uncomfortable it is. I think the springs aren't working right anymore or something. New mattresses cost a lot of money I think. Nothing will change. Nothing ever changes around here...

Originally Posted by tommo

Oh, well that's awesome. I was going to do chemistry too. Until all the shit happened with the government not funding schools anymore.
Good luck!

Oh and why don't you think dopamine is a good route?

Government not funding schools? :O And thanks!

Dopamine interacts with a pretty wide array of systems, and a lot of them involve things like getting you closer to waking up and increasing stereotyped or impulsive behavior. Others may actually lower your chances of getting lucid, though they would still make your dreams crazier. It's doable, but there are better ways to work with it. Now, if you're talking about modifying dopamine levels in only specific areas of the brain and in fixed ratios with other chemicals through different neurotransmitter systems... then you might have an interesting concept going. Off the top of my head, I'd say a selective 5-HT1A agonist might have some dream-enhancing properties, possibly even keeping you asleep more easily while still enhancing cognition. It's possible that the dopamine release it causes may attenuate some endocannabimimetic loss of cognition associated with non-lucidity in the same way that cannabidiol reduces the schizophrenia-like symptoms of THC. Maybe I'll add that affinity to my lucid dream drug.

Originally Posted by tommo

I thought this was a dream for a sec, wrong thread though I've never seen a real gypsy.
Is it better for her to buy food than cigarettes?
I'm sure she tries to get both. Coz people need to eat.

The bolded part explains your comment well. You don't know what gypsies are like... My country is filled with them, and i don't care if i'm racist against them, but they earned this from most hungarian people.
They commit the most crimes in the country, especially thievery and murder and most of them never work, just live by the money they get after their 5-6 children and the help they get from the government because of unemployment...

So yes, i have no idea why i gave her that money... it's rare when a gypsy is not trying to trick you like that...

Next time this happens, i'll just tell them to go and find a job, then they'll have money.

I feel so fucking weak, like a feeble old man. I can't exert myself physically at all without worrying about my health, I spend all day sitting around bored out of my fucking mind, and I can't help but feel nervous about the upcoming surgery. Hopefully it'll just be minor. Worst of all, I can't smoke marijuana so now I'm back to where I was before I started "medicating" - a constant state of anxiety. How the hell I'm I supposed to be a functioning member of society if I'm too nervous to even hold up a conversation over the fucking phone?

The medical marijuana laws are a joke here in Canada, the federal government hounds and subjects doctors to (il)legal persecution if they try to participate in the MMJ program. When the feds threaten to subject you to public humiliation and take away your medical licence for participating in what's supposed to be a legal program, it's no wonder that less than 1% of the doctors in this country bother going through with process. And if you're lucky enough to find a doctor who has the balls to prescribe it to you, you end up having to pay thousands of dollars for your licence... after several long months of waiting. Oh and anxiety, no matter how severe or socially crippling, doesn't count as a valid medical condition or warrant a MMJ license as far as the government's concerned... even though the courts ordered the federal government to change it's medical marijuana laws. A court order which the Conservatives simply chose to ignore.

I could work out regularly to help take the edge off, but then I run the risk of having my lungs collapse... for the third fucking time. So now I have to sit here and listen to my parents nag me about not being productive. >_>

i think i need to "un-friend" a few people on facebook... four people now have posted pictures of dead groundhogs they shot. two of them posed in the picture wearing a full camo outfit.

actually, fuck it. i might as well just un-friend just about everyone... 90% of my "friends" are people who never even talked to me in high school.

I hate my bank.

I haven't used my card or my account in months. I had probably about 2-3 dollars in there. Well, yesterday I deposit 75 dollars and later when I checked my balance, it was only 72. What the hell? I know it's just a few bucks but I don't see any reason for that.

Then just a minute ago, I call the online banking system and get my account information. 6 dollar ATM charge 6 days ago. I haven't used my card in months!! Anyone know what that could be? FUUCK. It's not so much the money that irritates me, it's that they charged me for something and I wouldn't have known. They obviously took the rest out of that 75 I had in there, but if I had a charge against my account in the first place, wouldn't they have charged me an overdraft or something stupid of like 30 dollars? But instead, they just waited for me to deposit more money to cover that 6 dollars? Doesn't seem right.

Ughh... I think I'm done with banks for a while. There's a reason I don't put my money in there I guess.

Maybe I just missed something... I don't feel like calling a rep.

EDIT:

On top of that, my son has the worst diaper rash I've seen so far. And he's got diarreha (Sp. I never get that word right). He screams bloody murder everytime I change him and just barely lets me get enough diaper cream on his hiney to soothe him. I cry when he cries. I hate that he's in pain. Any tips from other mothers/fathers here? lol

I decided I'm only giving him water today. I don't think he needs milk. Ugh... Poor baby. Raw baby ass SUCKS.

And I think I got bit by something yesterday on my inner thigh. It was burning a little bit and now it's just slightly irritated. It looks like a check mark shape around a single little dot. Sting? I don't know. I didn't notice it when it happened apparently... I hope it's nothing too bad. I did find what I think was a brown recluse earlier, but it could've easily been a brown spider. I get them confused... Any spider to me is a brown recluse lol... they're scary to think about...

GavinGill I know that, I feel like an old man all day everyday. My knees hurt when extended periods of walking and thats because one had been operated on, and I sprain the other all the time. I think somethings wrong with me, I've been getting more and more paler. I lost a hundred pounds in the last year and I just don't know whats wrong with me since. I have trouble waking up and I bruise really easy. I really feel sick and have trouble eating its a bummer living life like this lately.

Sefalik I felt the same way about my Facebook and ended up deleting it.

Woke up today my sunburns so bad it hurts to lay under blankets or to lay on my stomach with my head on my arms. Well at least I'm not pale right now.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Hmmm, when I'm low on sleep (or have no sleep), my anxiety is the first thing to flare though, appearing as CONSTANT freagin yawning. And then my bladder seems to shrink to about the size of a pea lol
My cognitive abilities greatly diminish, my inhibitions go way down and I become more social, my libido tends to go through the roof, I become more emotional and I'm more prone to SI :shrug: I also feel more creative.

I hope you've gotten some rest Dianeva.

Thanks. I become more social too near the end, and that was happening. Once I'm so tired that I stop caring about people's judgments it's fun in a way.

I just slept for about 16 hours by accident, and it almost feels worse than getting 0 hours. I set my alarm but I guess I fell for the trick I have thousands of times before and turned it off, thinking I wasn't going to sleep again. I had deep and seemingly important dreams of which very little I remember. The one good thing about this was going to be that I'd get back on a decent sleep schedule, but I woke up at 1pm like always. Now I probably won't be able to sleep early tonight.

Gavin, Suena, Zera.

Suena, when the diarrhea passes, let him run around naked for a while. That's the only thing I remember from when my kids had that problem. I hope he gets rid of it soon

lol, Sefalik, I don't think I even know 90% of my facebook "friends". I only add them for games

My rant is Urinary Tract irritation all the way up toward my belly button. It feels weird- almost a pinch, almost a stab- not painful just constant and weird. I constantly feel like I have to pee but it turns out to be just a couple drops Part of it from getting such little sleep for a few days now. Part of it is from living off of Soda.
There's no burning when I pee though, so it's not an infection. *sigh*

I need to remember to get some antibiotics from hubby later. I think I chronically have strep throat which might also explain the white bump. I'll take the meds and see. I also need to get more money from him so I can buy all my supplements. I'm completely out of Green Tea and B-50 Complex and I'm almost out of Ranitidine (ant-acid).

I just want to go back to sleep.

FYI: I'm inibriated and ranting. So, you know, feel free to ignore this. I just periodically get these urges to gripe.

I'm so incredible tired of this depression thing I have. It seems to be perpetually cycling between "I feel bad, I have no energy, but I might muddle through" and "God damn it why can't I die". And I honestly can't say which period is worst, because in one I feel guilty about not getting what I need done and in the other I feel awful and anxious about all the world going to hell. And when I'm in a "good" period I feel I'm not down enough to get help, and when I'm really down I'm to anxious and have to little energy to try and get it. I can't count the times I've wished for a complete breakdown so I wouldn't have to care. Other people, empathy, sympathy, guilt, rationalizations... all these damn emotions. If it weren't for them...

I honesty can't quite remember the last time I was happy. I can recall the last time I was not depressed. It was a (single) day in December 2010, it must have been. Lasted for maybe a few hours.

I mean... I can recall going home from Elementary school mentally composing my suicide note... Who does that at age 10 - 11?

I actually tried to go to my GP once. He was incredibly understanding. I was able to tell him stuff I've hardly told anyone else (though most of it is included in this post). But then in the end he failed to give me an SSRI like I wanted... and instead told me to contact the student psychiatric help thing. Well, that's grand. It's not like it took me a freaking year to manage to schedule an appointment with you... That was in October 2011 or something, and of course I haven't managed to contact the psychiatric help thing yet. I mean, I hate calling and I have no energy... How am I supposed to make that appointment without getting hold of some good drugs first?

And that's another thing... Why is it so hard to get drugs? I mean, I know at least one person who smokes weed and whose friends do whatever. Why can't I just call him and ask for his dealer, so I can get through this? But no, I'm afraid of what he'll think. He's the freaking person who introduced me to weed, why would he judge me if I asked how to buy some? And still I can't.

But that's the thing, isn't it. You need to uphold a certain image at all times. You need to be the kid your parents wanted, you need to be a good but upstanding friend. Why are people so afraid of letting people down? Don't know. But it is apparently a pretty strong emotion.

And that leads me to another thing. The worst part about this depression is that I can find no fucking reason. I mean I'm from a steady, middle-to-upper class family that really loves me and does pay attention (though they miss the fact I'm depressed. How could they not: No one (me included) has ever seen me undepressed). I'm not lacking for money, all I just have to ask to have doctors bills refunded and I'm sure they'd be supportive as can be if I "confessed". So why do I feel like this... makes no sense.

I guess that concludes this rant.

TL;DR: Gah, emotions! Gah, where are the damn drugs?

Good God, I take it back.. I am now in pain rivaling my old gallbladder attacks. The right side of my lower back is killing me. I actually took a hydro for the pain and if it keeps up I'm going to take a Peridium (sp)- they're ancient but should still get the job done though I am loathe to take one because it gives you a god-awful taste in your mouth. But I can live with the taste!!
For now, I'm going to chug some water and hop into a hot shower.

Khh. I'll respond properly to your post once I can think better.