Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Melanie. The dying thing comes from my mental health. Not the other thing. In February things peaked when I tried to get my hands on enough sleeping pills for an overdose and now I'm back in that place again and it's so hard to deal with. I struggle so so much and no one seems to notice that I'm struggling to cope and they always think I can deal with it because they see me as strong but I'm not and even when I ask for help they don't understand and I don;t know how to make them understand and I just really can't do this anymore. Life is so difficult and stressful I really don't want to live it anymore. I get very little enjoyment out of it. I don't see the point.

Maybe you should show the people who could help you what you post here.

I have yet to see you have difficulty expressing yourself to us, and we're all strangers. There are no consequences or expectations.

Write what you need to say to them on the computer...and then let them see it. Maybe you will find your voice comes easier.

Thanks Mel. I'll try that tomorrow. I can type what I think and feel but when I imagine actually saying it I think it sounds stupid...

Originally Posted by Wishfulthinker

Thanks Mel. I'll try that tomorrow. I can type what I think and feel but when I imagine actually saying it I think it sounds stupid...

I totally get that. I've had that issue plenty of times.

I like that I can edit my words and spend time choosing the right ones to convey how I feel.

Typing words also slows down a conversation. Allows time to think before putting thoughts forth.

It's easier to be honest when typing, and completely necessary in emotional situations.

Feel better and stick around. *hug*

Originally Posted by Wishfulthinker

My problems are back. They started in February just before my birthday but with some counselling I could deal with them. But now they're back really really badly and I keep crying myself to sleep wishing I won't wake up the next morning and I'm desperately fighting the urge to start self harming again. Also my boyfriend and I have gone on a break. It's killing me. I am a really needy person and knowing we're just acting as friends feels like someone is physically ripping my chest open. This doesn't help with the first issue and I spent nearly every moment I was walking around school today in floods of tears. My counselling's restarted again but everything looks bleak. The artery in my neck sounds like a good option right now.

I agree that telling someone may help. If it's no one in person, just rant here, in a diary, or to a friend in an e-mail or PM. I don't know the specifics of what you're going through, but I've been severely depressed many times for months at a time and so at least somewhat understand. I'd always be willing to listen, as I'm sure others in your life would. From experience I know that emotionally getting everything off your chest, really making yourself feel it fully, can be what pushes you out of the tunnel.

@Wishfulthinker - I get you. I also suggest using a journal, it was hands-down the most helpful tool I have ever used. It helped me vent, it helped me understand my thoughts, and it helped me stop cutting. Still not easy, but the journal was the best thing I could have asked for. Write down everything you think and feel - no censoring. If you're worried about someone reading it, put it in a password protected file or folder. Personally I didn't share any of what I wrote with anyone until I had become more comfortable though.

My gripes:

I cannot for the life of me buckle down. I have a presentation due tomorrow, I've tried, really tried, to start all day. It's just not happening. This is impossible. You know what? I'm just going to go to bed and get up early because there is no way I'm getting this done tonight.

And why, why WHY are my dreams so violent? I know I've brought this up before, but it is really disturbing me. I'm an insane, psycho killer damn near every night. Sure, IWL I think it was interesting and yeah, I'm kinda sadistic. It's not so much the violence that bothers me, but the fact that, well, the violence doesn't really bother me. I'd never kill anyone unless I had to. So why do I keep dreaming about it? Why do I keep getting into fights? Why do I, if not actually killing someone, plan on killing someone? I can't really accept the fact that it's "just a dream". It's something dark and nasty in me, and I know I have enough of a hold on it to not let it out. But I wish it directly bothered me. More so I wish I could have some nice, peaceable adventure dreams instead of dreams where I'm killing people, or breaking their arms, or stabbing them or something. I want to say I'm not like this, but apparently, some part of me is. Enough of me that it shows up almost every single night regardless of whether or not I'm thinking about it IWL.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Thanks guys. I'll trial this out tonight and see how I go. I've also found constantly playing mineweeper (don't ask...) helps to take my mind off of everything and makes me feel surprisingly neutral.

Originally Posted by NewArtemis

@Wishfulthinker - I get you. I also suggest using a journal, it was hands-down the most helpful tool I have ever used. It helped me vent, it helped me understand my thoughts, and it helped me stop cutting. Still not easy, but the journal was the best thing I could have asked for. Write down everything you think and feel - no censoring. If you're worried about someone reading it, put it in a password protected file or folder. Personally I didn't share any of what I wrote with anyone until I had become more comfortable though.

My gripes:

I cannot for the life of me buckle down. I have a presentation due tomorrow, I've tried, really tried, to start all day. It's just not happening. This is impossible. You know what? I'm just going to go to bed and get up early because there is no way I'm getting this done tonight.

And why, why WHY are my dreams so violent? I know I've brought this up before, but it is really disturbing me. I'm an insane, psycho killer damn near every night. Sure, IWL I think it was interesting and yeah, I'm kinda sadistic. It's not so much the violence that bothers me, but the fact that, well, the violence doesn't really bother me. I'd never kill anyone unless I had to. So why do I keep dreaming about it? Why do I keep getting into fights? Why do I, if not actually killing someone, plan on killing someone? I can't really accept the fact that it's "just a dream". It's something dark and nasty in me, and I know I have enough of a hold on it to not let it out. But I wish it directly bothered me. More so I wish I could have some nice, peaceable adventure dreams instead of dreams where I'm killing people, or breaking their arms, or stabbing them or something. I want to say I'm not like this, but apparently, some part of me is. Enough of me that it shows up almost every single night regardless of whether or not I'm thinking about it IWL.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

i'm a killer too in dreams

Insomnia sucks when I'm wanting to lucid dream.

Woke up last night, in middle of me sleeping, i woke up hearing some loud helicopter flying low right above my house and across to wherever it was going, it sounded so loud it sounded like a military helicopter (it might just have been an ornge helicopter for hospital ems) But dang it got me waking up thinking it was already martial law going on! XD like really it was night time like 10pm or around there. I'm a light sleeper too, thunder can wake me up!

Doing so much revision to leave me almost constantly occupied has paid off. I've recieved A*s on three practice English papers. *Proud Katie is Proud*

Alas, now I have very little revision left to do and still don't feel ready.

Also, I've gotten thinner, but my boobs have grown (logic? :L) so I've gone up a bra size. At least. Which means shopping with more monies I don't have.

Originally Posted by Wishfulthinker

Doing so much revision to leave me almost constantly occupied has paid off. I've recieved A*s on three practice English papers. *Proud Katie is Proud*

Alas, now I have very little revision left to do and still don't feel ready.

Also, I've gotten thinner, but my boobs have grown (logic? :L) so I've gone up a bra size. At least. Which means shopping with more monies I don't have.

What are the revisions for? If you need help, I am a professional writer. I am pretty good at things.

so i just got back from the ophthalmologist... i have glaucoma.
i'm 17 years old and i have glaucoma.

it is easily treatable, but it's just kind of... weird. i've always thought of it as an old people's disease.
at least i can get medical weed now

I'm not even sure when the last time I was on was.... I'm not really sure what I'm here ranting about either. I think my life is headed in a positive direction? School projects are finally passing without too much stress, though there's still more to come. My mood has been fluctuating, but ultimately I think it's in a better place than it was whenever I left before. I can still tell that I'm a little unstable though. But it's a journey. I don't know.

I think I'm starting to understand myself too well. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. From this point I feel that I can continue in one of two directions, the first taking me down a path that leads to peace but disconnects me from who I feel am, and the second trapping me in an endless cycle where I am doomed to pursue chaos but am spared my humanity. How the hell is one supposed to pick between the two?

I missed you guys. But now it's time for bed. Goodnight, DV.

Originally Posted by Tiresias

What are the revisions for? If you need help, I am a professional writer. I am pretty good at things.

A - I now utterly adore you *bows*

B - My exams. I'm taking my GCSEs this summer and I have so many exams to do. ._.

Originally Posted by Original Poster

I find attraction to be kind of strange for me. My emotions regarding attraction are incredibly intense, and as long as a girl can continue eluding me then I usually continue to want her. But something happens, something I'm learning from each time it happens. When I kiss them, it's still nice. But when I start to make out with them, and they let me make out with them, and we begin to move toward sex, suddenly I don't care as much. Like, it's nice, my penis enlarges and my hormones flare, but I become rather disinterested in them as a person. I don't know, maybe I'm just waiting for someone I feel a real connection to. I can't understand it right now. I'm still processing what makes me tick. I don't understand them yet. I don't understand why they change, why they're dependent on certain factors and beliefs. Why is it I get bored and unappreciative and feel like I'm just going through the motions with someone just seconds ago I really wanted? Why do I fail to connect with people when it comes to intimacy? What is wrong with me?

Originally Posted by Original Poster

Yeah but it doesn't really feel like I just like the chase, it feels like I like them. I was into one girl not too long ago and she drove me into writing all sorts of sad romantic poetry. That very night I remember writing one particular poem where I decided that she had to at least know how beautiful I thought she was. Then after we started making out, I could have gone forward and fucked her but I stopped because I just wasn't driven enough to keep going. I didn't want her that bad anymore. But I still had a deep connection, and we spent the night talking with our faces inches from each other. And I assumed I'd get a chance to fuck her eventually, but I never did. Then she cuddled with some other guy at a party and it was fucking devastating. I forgot completely about the momentary disinterest I got when the moment to fuck her was available. She was everything to me. It's not like I just like the chase, my entire personality is hijacked by the chase, I am tortured by the chase.

Odd, I don't remember writing these posts o.O

Seriously, that's exactly what happens to me as well. In fact I threw away probably the best thing that has ever happened to me because of this bullshit.

The only explanation I can come up with is that I am not confident enough and I don't think I can keep the same feeling going, and keep making the person happy.
So I don't want to let it go too far because it will just be ruined eventually.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I think I'm starting to understand myself too well. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. From this point I feel that I can continue in one of two directions, the first taking me down a path that leads to peace but disconnects me from who I feel am, and the second trapping me in an endless cycle where I am doomed to pursue chaos but am spared my humanity. How the hell is one supposed to pick between the two?

I missed you guys. But now it's time for bed. Goodnight, DV.

Damn, don't remember posting this either....

I don't have an answer, but I'm right there with you.

Work gave me a really cool project to create a product video, except it only has 4 days notice and is due tomorrow. Day 1 was shot because it took me HOURS to get all the software, which I wrote the script in that time. Yesterday I recorded audio and perfected the script. Today, I filmed, with the hopes of putting it on our Youtube page tonight (which I am now in charge of). I get home, and I have nearly none of my videos. My work computer didn't sync. I should be okay to do it tomorrow when I get in, but dang, I am upset. It doesn't look great (I shot it on a cell phone), but I take pride in my work and my ability to hit deadlines, and I really messed up.

I also had some mixed news that I don't want to get excited about, but I am earmarking it now.

Originally Posted by Wishfulthinker

Thanks guys. I'll trial this out tonight and see how I go. I've also found constantly playing mineweeper (don't ask...) helps to take my mind off of everything and makes me feel surprisingly neutral.

I love playing minesweeper.

If only it was two-player.

Originally Posted by Tiresias

What are the revisions for? If you need help, I am a professional writer. I am pretty good at things.

I spent ten years as an editor. I'm always willing to spare an eye.

I normally have no patience for big/many posts. But it's becoming an habit to come here frequently and read through all the posts. If it helps, you guys struggle but you should see how you're capable to deal with your own issues. Problems that had arise 20 pages ago are now gone, people that were way down somehow found their way up. Bad thoughts were forgotten, hard days were overcome. The world that was ending is still alive.

Don't forget to use your past rants as future trophies of accomplishments ^^

My courses are another problem. I only have about 40 days until the course end date, and I'm afraid I won't get it done in time. I'm trying pretty much as hard as I can. I've been reading the right amount of my textbook per day but I'm afraid I'm not comprehending and remembering the material enough, so I'll fail the exam.

There's many techniques to help you study (I actually learn a lot about learning due my passion for psychology, just pm me if you need any tips ). For reading, you can always use the feynman technique, it's pretty effective and easy to perform!

I just feel like a complete loser lately. I'm 23 years old, more than half way to 24. I don't have a degree, I haven't been accepted into a University.

I'll only start my degree at 24 years old, this if I manage to gather enough money, and I wouldn't eliminate these years for nothing (especially because they are allowing me to study by myself which has been a great adventure ^^). Who cares about your age, it's not like you spent all those years locked in a room. Your identity was built through all these experiences, they all shaped you. Many people start their degrees at a late age, and they perform greatly. You just need to find things that in your view make you accomplished, like violin seems to be Otherwise, we can be 2 losers, it becomes easier if you don't do it alone

Originally Posted by melanieb

I spent ten years as an editor. I'm always willing to spare an eye.

Do you still? I may need one soon.

Damn cliff racers.

Hate those stupidass things.

Originally Posted by zoth00

Who cares about your age, it's not like you spent all those years locked in a room.

Uh, well, actually.... I'd say most people that frequent online forums probably basically do spend most of their time locked in a room.

Anyway, thanks for your post. I'm feeling pretty down about the same thing, so it was good.

I wish there was some way I could explain it all. I'll just say that I'm not happy, and I wish things could be different. I also wish I was as accepting of my mother's death as my father was of his wife.