Another rant. Is this a rant? I hardly ever feel like I'm ranting when I'm ranting, maybe it's because I hardly ever get mad, only irritated and upset. When I do get mad it's a thing to behold.
Anyway. I'm a bridesmaid for my brother's wedding, which is nice. But I'm the suckiest bridesmaid ever. I want my soon-to-be sister's party to be the best ever, and I have no idea what the hell is going on. Because of school and travel and being busy, I got last pick for food creation. So I got cheese/cracker tray, which is easy, and wedding cake cookies, like these: http://adashofcinnamon.files.wordpre...img_3093-1.jpg
Now, does that look hard to anyone? Cause to me it looks like a stack of sugar cookies with some frosting. But it is an absolute bitch to make. I suppose it would be easier if I had enough counter space for more than one cookie sheet, and if I wasn't cutting my cookies out with cookie cutters made from a friggin DR PEPPER CAN, and if I knew what the hell I was doing, and maybe if I was Martha bloody Stewart.
So we bought some actual cookie cutters, and I'm hopeful for today. But I want this party to be perfect, since I've hardly contributed anything and I do care. I really, really hope these go better than yesterday. It's a good thing I'm practicing.
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Another sort-of rant: I'm sick of hopping around people's feelings. Normally if someone is so thin-skinned I don't give a crap and just don't talk to them, but this is family... so I still don't tiptoe, because their emotions are not my responsibility, but I do try to be nice. Now I just don't understand where you get off getting upset at us, relationships are a two way street. For a little while I called you every single week just to chat and try to improve my relationship with you, since one set of my grandparents is as good as dead, and you're all I've got left. And you know what? You barely talked to me when I did call, and you never called me back. Not once.
Then you complain that we forget about you, that we never call. Why don't YOU ever call? I'm not going to cater to your dramatic persecution fantasies. And what about favorites, hm? You love my brother and like him so much more than any of the rest of us. You're even willing to throw your own daughter under the bus for him. At least he is enough of a gentleman to refuse one of his dreams to not do that to my mom.
And the thing you got me for Christmas. I appreciate the thought, I honestly do. I'm not trying to sound like a spoiled brat here, you give expensive presents and considering the quality of our relationship you didn't need to get me anything at all. But this just solidified the thought that you don't know me at all. And I'm supposed to visit you to give you your present? I'm sorry, but we have one car and live three hours away. I'm not going to drive down there on one of the only days where I have a car to give you a present and spend about half an hour chatting for six hours of driving. That just doesn't fly. I love you because your family, and I like you somewhat, but I'm going to mail your present.
So to you and all the other older folks in the world, and just everyone in general: You're not entitled to anything. You complain that we younger people expect the world to just be handed to us, but you know what? I've seen that behavior more from old people. Just because you're old doesn't mean everyone should bow down to you. You don't get a reward for living a long time, and getting set in your ways is a BAD thing. Whatever happened to trying new things, or working for what you have, or appreciating what you do have - your family? Why are you all so crotchety all the time? Lighten up, it's not like you have a ton of time left.
-Anti Rant
I got a machete for Christmas. Heh heh heh I also got two Great Courses, one on human behavior, the other on secrets to memory. I'm excited, but I need to finish my Classical Mythology CDs first. I also got a woodburner, which is great because mine mysteriously disappeared. My inlaws also gave me a bunch of wood plaques to work on, and a 60 minute massage credit, in addition to the bamboo tablet they already gave me. And I got the first two Walking Dead hardcover comic compilations. The things feel like quality. It was a very good Christmas.
I also have the sweetest husband in the world. He was very encouraging about the cookies (except after he watched the Martha Stewart video, and then looked at mine. Then he chuckled.) He helped me make them and the frosting, and was just nice about the whole thing, even though I sorta dropped this on him (The party is in a week.)
Edit
I guess I'll add some more here cause I was thinking about it anyway, I just got caught up in my old person rant.
Each and every person has their own special talents and skills and things that they are good at. I'm pretty good at most things I try. But, dammit, I want my brother's ability to tell a story. He can tell the best stories in the world, even ones he is just retelling from someone else. He also has the rare combo of being able to tell a good story, and having great source material. I have never heard anyone describe an event like my brother. Oh, I have funny stories too, but they always come out flat. Witty one-liners and dark, dry humor is more my thing.
Ever heard a story about an idiot who got his hand stuck in a jar because he made a fist, refused to open his hand, and then said the firefighters would just have to break his hand (rather than the jar)? I hadn't before. And I will never hear such a hilarious rendition of the event again. His stories make me realize just how many stupid people there are in the world.
I also have a complete lack of eloquence, and I can't express myself at all. My words get all jumbled up. I want to write some memoirs, but I just can't make them like they were. I want to do so much, and I'm satisfied with so little of what I do.
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Lucid Dreaming. You are a cruel bitch. I try and try to have you, yet you elude me. I lose sleep because of you, literally. I don't get what I have to do to LD. I can't fall asleep and do a mantra at the same time, I can't recognize when I'm in a dream because I accept all sensory input without much thought (and because my dreams are pretty detailed). I want something like a totem to show up in my dreams and remind me to RC, maybe I should make one. But what can I put on it that I can't replicate in my dream? I can't write words on it, I don't have any problem reading in my dreams. The most problem I've ever had was when I was looking at a stop sign that was spelled as "SOTP." Then I thought "Hur hur hur, some idiot spelled 'STOP' wrong."
Seriously, what can I put on it? My mind replicates objects very well, and weird shit that happens doesn't trigger any "Well, I must be dreaming" thoughts.
AGHHHHHHHHH.
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Oh yeah. This isn't a rant, but I just need to get it out somewhere. Everyone is congratulating me for three years without cutting, but here's a dirty little secret: I cheated. Twice. Both this year. And it wasn't even for any good reason. I didn't even totally crave it. I wasn't emotionally unbalanced, or anything like that. It was just "I want to" so I did. I screwed up my three year record because I felt like it.
Why can't I get this stupid thing out of my head? It was a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. So why does mine have to trail me like a shadow? Why can't I go a single friggin day without thinking about it? I didn't know. I didn't ask to be in a position where I wanted to. I just did. And now, a good 10 years later, it's still floating around in the back of my mind. How fair is that crap?
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