Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

Parties and how people get mixed emotions about them never ceases to amaze me. The level of stupidity instilled in their minds, trying to be a big shot and showing off they can spend this amount of money to show that you can give free food to people.

You just called Aly a stupid, tryhard bigshot.

Wait what?

I was talking about my father.

How did Aly get into this tommo?

Did I say a "she" anywhere in that rant?


EDIT:

LOL, you thought I was ranting about what she did at the party she posted in the happy thread?

Dude tommo, that's a really horrible assumption man, why would I want to diss Aly?

Ugh, I've been feeling like an insomniac lately. I put myself into bed and suddenly my brain is going on long and very exciting adventures. Not the dreamy kind of adventures; the wide awake looking up into the roof and tumbling back and forth while every once in a while trying to breathe the thoughts away and to clear my mind for long enough to fall asleep.

Then I just got up. Fuck. So many fantasies about all kinds of bullshit. I ended up completely nerding out about lasers and radiation or something.
I guess that's because I ordered a 5mW laser earlier today... I guess that's an anti rant because I have some kind of weird thing for light and caustics and refraction and what the hell not.

Also I'm gonna go and buy K a birthday present tomorrow. Or in some hours, depending on whether or not I get sleep.
I'm all full of anti-rant, actually. I've got at least a couple anti-rants in my head but I'm so tired and my actual non-anti-rant is that I seem to be having a lot of sleepless nights lately.

Originally Posted by Maeni

Ugh, I've been feeling like an insomniac lately. I put myself into bed and suddenly my brain is going on long and very exciting adventures. Not the dreamy kind of adventures; the wide awake looking up into the roof and tumbling back and forth while every once in a while trying to breathe the thoughts away and to clear my mind for long enough to fall asleep.

Then I just got up. Fuck. So many fantasies about all kinds of bullshit. I ended up completely nerding out about lasers and radiation or something.
I guess that's because I ordered a 5mW laser earlier today... I guess that's an anti rant because I have some kind of weird thing for light and caustics and refraction and what the hell not.

Also I'm gonna go and buy K a birthday present tomorrow. Or in some hours, depending on whether or not I get sleep.
I'm all full of anti-rant, actually. I've got at least a couple anti-rants in my head but I'm so tired and my actual non-anti-rant is that I seem to be having a lot of sleepless nights lately.

It must be that time of year. I haven't been able to fall asleep well lately either. My brain kicks into full throttle when I enter my bed. I feel ya bro

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

Wait what?

I was talking about my father.

How did Aly get into this tommo?

Did I say a "she" anywhere in that rant?


EDIT:

LOL, you thought I was ranting about what she did at the party she posted in the happy thread?

Dude tommo, that's a really horrible assumption man, why would I want to diss Aly?

Lol, I was just joking man. I knew you were talking about someone else. At first I thought you were talking about that, coz she posted that a page back or so. But then I realised it was someone else.
I wasn't being serious

Link. Sounds horrible. And the most horrible thing of all is that, truly, nothing we say will ever change them.
My son was complaining about things yesterday and I told him: "We are who we are because we choose to be so."
I could have all the money in the world but I'd still be a lazy recluse lol

My rant is that I took one of my famous 3 hour naps earlier So much for sleep at a decent hour. And hubby's kids are coming over tomorrow- not today as I had first thought.
Blah. Oh well. I usually leave them alone to do their own thing for the most part anyhow.

I talked to all my kids today. Miley sent me an email saying she's fine. She was going to spend Christmas with my mom but the weather took a bad turn and she said there was even a tornado nearby. And now she's wanting me to scrape together $150. so she can come back home. Sorry, kiddo, not happening. Her best bet would be to go back to mom's.

Destinee's doing fine and so is Zee though they're both a little mad at my sister for posting about us on FB. It seemed pretty benign to me (from what they said, the post was deleted when I searched for it lol). Sis just posted about how all her family lives in Maryland and my mom (our mom, though sis was raised by her dad) asked "What are we, chopped liver?" To which my sister went on a tirade about me not celebrating and my kids being scattered throughout WV and how Miley's missing and how she never knows what's up with our brother and the rest of everyone is scattered across the US. It wasn't the nicest thing to say to Mom, but if that's all she wrote, I don't know why my daughters have their knickers in a knot. We've never been a close family, so of course sis thinks of her dad's family (whom she is close with).
Oh well.

Bah... time to check Farmville then get on Warcraft

Rant: It's frickin' cold out there. It finally snowed (quite possibly for the only time this winter) and it just got insanely cold over the past couple of days. I'm pretty sure it dropped like 60 degrees in the past week or so. Anyway, they called me crazy for going outside tonight wearing sandals, but I... well, proved them right. On the way home I didn't even make it from my friend's apartment door to the car before I was shaking from the cold with my teeth chattering and everything. It's freezing. >_< At least I'm home now, though.

Anti-Rant: However, the night overall has been nice. I went to a friend's apartment for a Hanukkah dinner celebration (and yes I know that Hanukkah is already over, but he just got back in state for the winter), and I got to catch up with him and another old friend for a while. We also ate duck, which I've never had before, and it was really good! And then when I finally got home I was welcomed by a lovely quarter of dank. Happy Hanukkah indeed!

lol, Aly I wear sandals all year round hehee. If there's snow on the ground, I wear wal-mart bags on my feet to get to the car then take them off BUT, I wear 2 pairs of socks with my sandals (they're not flip-flop style but have a back strap instead of the toe thing).

It's cold here too, but not snowing yet. We should get some more tomorrow though. It is, however, raining like mad (to the point of minorly flooding) and sleeting off and on.

Glad you had fun. I LOVE duck. Haven't had any in years though.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

lol, Aly I wear sandals all year round hehee. If there's snow on the ground, I wear wal-mart bags on my feet to get to the car then take them off BUT, I wear 2 pairs of socks with my sandals (they're not flip-flop style but have a back strap instead of the toe thing).

It's cold here too, but not snowing yet. We should get some more tomorrow though. It is, however, raining like mad (to the point of minorly flooding) and sleeting off and on.

Glad you had fun. I LOVE duck. Haven't had any in years though.

I pretty much wear them year round too, but I'm thinking about changing that now that I don't seem to be able to handle the cold as well anymore. (It's not really a big deal when there's not snow though, which is almost always.) I never would've thought of that bag thing, that's clever.

That's actually how it was here yesterday, it started off with a crazy thunderstorm all night long and into the day, and then it just suddenly became snow at one point and everything got covered really fast. It's already disappearing though, and I wouldn't be surprised if it just about fully disappears by tomorrow.

And thanks. It was really good, I definitely intend to have it again!

-----

So this was rather unpleasant. I decided to take a bath while waiting for a friend to come over and smoke in a bit, and the bath itself was fine. But I ended up bringing some bud with me for while I was in it too, and I ended up taking a niacin beforehand because I have a bit of a headache and it usually helps somewhat. I didn't really take into consideration the fact that I hadn't eaten anything in a few hours, and I'd had a couple beers when I was at my friend's apartment. That combined with the relaxing warm water, the closed-in steamy environment, and the fact that I was just zoning out in there clearly got my blood pressure really low and my stomach unsettled, because when I stood up to get out of it I suddenly got really nauseous. I looked down and my skin was pale white, my vision was getting really bright and phasing in and out, and there was a steadily increasing high pitched whine ringing in my ears. I stumbled over to the toilet in case I had to puke but nothing happened, so then I just made it to my bedroom and collapsed on the bed for a few minutes feeling uncomfortable and wondering if I was going to black out. It never happened though, and eventually it started to pass.

I just ate a couple pieces of leftover pizza to try to refresh a bit. I'm feeling a little better now, just tired....

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I pretty much wear them year round too, but I'm thinking about changing that now that I don't seem to be able to handle the cold as well anymore. (It's not really a big deal when there's not snow though, which is almost always.) I never would've thought of that bag thing, that's clever.

lol, it's the first time I've ever used it. But when my kids were all young and we were going to the Kingdom Hall, our yard was a major mud pit, so hubby had my cover their dress shoes in that way.
I've been dropping hints for hubby to buy me shoes. I'm too cheap to get them myself. But he's not taking the bait lol, so I thought of that trick from so many years past. Works perfectly
And I much prefer my sandals anyhow.

..I looked down and my skin was pale white, my vision was getting really bright and phasing in and out, and there was a steadily increasing high pitched whine ringing in my ears. I stumbled over to the toilet in case I had to puke but nothing happened, so then I just made it to my bedroom and collapsed on the bed for a few minutes feeling uncomfortable and wondering if I was going to black out. It never happened though, and eventually it started to pass.

I just ate a couple pieces of leftover pizza to try to refresh a bit. I'm feeling a little better now, just tired....

Glad it passed. I HATE that feeling!!! Hope you're doing even better today.

My rant is that I have a major headache. The bird has been sounding the alarm all friggin day. I'm getting to the point, I'm about to have cockatiel stew! I covered him up and he's STILL screeching.
Whenever I let him out of his cage, he wants to fly. Something, seriously, has got to give.
I got 2 1/2 hours of sleep this morning (by choice) and I had strange dreams which I've long since forgotten. One of them involved animals- dogs, mostly. And in another, I was talking to my old best friend from the Kingdom Hall. I was explaining the whole transgender thing with Myles/Mylie and telling her he was moving back home and I was okay with everything. She said she wanted to give me a hug, and that's all I recall.

Hubby's out eating with his kids. I weaseled my way out of going. When they get back and open what hubby gave them, I'll go over for a bit and watch them play video games and catch up.

I played some YouTube for the bird earlier, and got lost there for some 3 hours. What the heck lol

Other than all that, I've been very curious as to how caffeine effects my body. In my mind, when a medicine stops being effective, it no longer effects anything (blood pressure, pulse). Hubby and p-doc told me that's not exactly true.
So, I'm monitoring everything myself. The results are very curious to me.
At 11:40Pm, I took it. It was 113/75 pulse of 79. I took a caffeine pill and checked again at 12:40 AM; at which time my readings were 118/90 pulse of 78.

At 5AM, my readings were 121/90 pulse of 89. Took another caffeine pill. At 6, my reading was 121/75 pulse of 84. By 7, I was sound asleep. I MIGHT have taken a caffeine pill at 4:30, I wasn't sure if I forgot to write it down or not.
When I woke at 9:30, my blood pressure and pulse were 118/78 pulse of 67.
I took caffeine at 10:30 when I ate and my readings are now 127/84 78

To my untrained eye, the effects seem almost negligible (125/80 being most people's ideal, last I recall).
But because I might have screwed up with that 4:30 bit, I need to do it again.

My pulse has been great though. My resting has always been in the high 80's low 90's (at times pushing low 100's). But my heart beats hard (it always has). I'm not skin and bones anymore. But if I'm leaning back, sitting, I can see my pulse in my chest. If I'm leaning back and have my legs bent up in front of me with my skirt gathered on my lap, I can see my pulse in my stomach (my skirt "beats" lol). My youngest daughter is the same way. I think it's weird

Fuck it. How do I get rid of all the shit that surrounds me? No one ever asked me if I am okay with what I am before they put me on this cold, grey world. I don't want to live and especially not here. And no matter what I do and try, those feelings seem to eat me up slowly. Why is there no emergency stop? And why is there no easy way to quit?

Another rant. Is this a rant? I hardly ever feel like I'm ranting when I'm ranting, maybe it's because I hardly ever get mad, only irritated and upset. When I do get mad it's a thing to behold.

Anyway. I'm a bridesmaid for my brother's wedding, which is nice. But I'm the suckiest bridesmaid ever. I want my soon-to-be sister's party to be the best ever, and I have no idea what the hell is going on. Because of school and travel and being busy, I got last pick for food creation. So I got cheese/cracker tray, which is easy, and wedding cake cookies, like these: http://adashofcinnamon.files.wordpre...img_3093-1.jpg

Now, does that look hard to anyone? Cause to me it looks like a stack of sugar cookies with some frosting. But it is an absolute bitch to make. I suppose it would be easier if I had enough counter space for more than one cookie sheet, and if I wasn't cutting my cookies out with cookie cutters made from a friggin DR PEPPER CAN, and if I knew what the hell I was doing, and maybe if I was Martha bloody Stewart.

So we bought some actual cookie cutters, and I'm hopeful for today. But I want this party to be perfect, since I've hardly contributed anything and I do care. I really, really hope these go better than yesterday. It's a good thing I'm practicing.

-

Another sort-of rant: I'm sick of hopping around people's feelings. Normally if someone is so thin-skinned I don't give a crap and just don't talk to them, but this is family... so I still don't tiptoe, because their emotions are not my responsibility, but I do try to be nice. Now I just don't understand where you get off getting upset at us, relationships are a two way street. For a little while I called you every single week just to chat and try to improve my relationship with you, since one set of my grandparents is as good as dead, and you're all I've got left. And you know what? You barely talked to me when I did call, and you never called me back. Not once.

Then you complain that we forget about you, that we never call. Why don't YOU ever call? I'm not going to cater to your dramatic persecution fantasies. And what about favorites, hm? You love my brother and like him so much more than any of the rest of us. You're even willing to throw your own daughter under the bus for him. At least he is enough of a gentleman to refuse one of his dreams to not do that to my mom.

And the thing you got me for Christmas. I appreciate the thought, I honestly do. I'm not trying to sound like a spoiled brat here, you give expensive presents and considering the quality of our relationship you didn't need to get me anything at all. But this just solidified the thought that you don't know me at all. And I'm supposed to visit you to give you your present? I'm sorry, but we have one car and live three hours away. I'm not going to drive down there on one of the only days where I have a car to give you a present and spend about half an hour chatting for six hours of driving. That just doesn't fly. I love you because your family, and I like you somewhat, but I'm going to mail your present.

So to you and all the other older folks in the world, and just everyone in general: You're not entitled to anything. You complain that we younger people expect the world to just be handed to us, but you know what? I've seen that behavior more from old people. Just because you're old doesn't mean everyone should bow down to you. You don't get a reward for living a long time, and getting set in your ways is a BAD thing. Whatever happened to trying new things, or working for what you have, or appreciating what you do have - your family? Why are you all so crotchety all the time? Lighten up, it's not like you have a ton of time left.

-Anti Rant

I got a machete for Christmas. Heh heh heh I also got two Great Courses, one on human behavior, the other on secrets to memory. I'm excited, but I need to finish my Classical Mythology CDs first. I also got a woodburner, which is great because mine mysteriously disappeared. My inlaws also gave me a bunch of wood plaques to work on, and a 60 minute massage credit, in addition to the bamboo tablet they already gave me. And I got the first two Walking Dead hardcover comic compilations. The things feel like quality. It was a very good Christmas.

I also have the sweetest husband in the world. He was very encouraging about the cookies (except after he watched the Martha Stewart video, and then looked at mine. Then he chuckled.) He helped me make them and the frosting, and was just nice about the whole thing, even though I sorta dropped this on him (The party is in a week.)

Edit

I guess I'll add some more here cause I was thinking about it anyway, I just got caught up in my old person rant.

Each and every person has their own special talents and skills and things that they are good at. I'm pretty good at most things I try. But, dammit, I want my brother's ability to tell a story. He can tell the best stories in the world, even ones he is just retelling from someone else. He also has the rare combo of being able to tell a good story, and having great source material. I have never heard anyone describe an event like my brother. Oh, I have funny stories too, but they always come out flat. Witty one-liners and dark, dry humor is more my thing.

Ever heard a story about an idiot who got his hand stuck in a jar because he made a fist, refused to open his hand, and then said the firefighters would just have to break his hand (rather than the jar)? I hadn't before. And I will never hear such a hilarious rendition of the event again. His stories make me realize just how many stupid people there are in the world.

I also have a complete lack of eloquence, and I can't express myself at all. My words get all jumbled up. I want to write some memoirs, but I just can't make them like they were. I want to do so much, and I'm satisfied with so little of what I do.

-

Lucid Dreaming. You are a cruel bitch. I try and try to have you, yet you elude me. I lose sleep because of you, literally. I don't get what I have to do to LD. I can't fall asleep and do a mantra at the same time, I can't recognize when I'm in a dream because I accept all sensory input without much thought (and because my dreams are pretty detailed). I want something like a totem to show up in my dreams and remind me to RC, maybe I should make one. But what can I put on it that I can't replicate in my dream? I can't write words on it, I don't have any problem reading in my dreams. The most problem I've ever had was when I was looking at a stop sign that was spelled as "SOTP." Then I thought "Hur hur hur, some idiot spelled 'STOP' wrong."

Seriously, what can I put on it? My mind replicates objects very well, and weird shit that happens doesn't trigger any "Well, I must be dreaming" thoughts.

AGHHHHHHHHH.

-

Oh yeah. This isn't a rant, but I just need to get it out somewhere. Everyone is congratulating me for three years without cutting, but here's a dirty little secret: I cheated. Twice. Both this year. And it wasn't even for any good reason. I didn't even totally crave it. I wasn't emotionally unbalanced, or anything like that. It was just "I want to" so I did. I screwed up my three year record because I felt like it.

Why can't I get this stupid thing out of my head? It was a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. So why does mine have to trail me like a shadow? Why can't I go a single friggin day without thinking about it? I didn't know. I didn't ask to be in a position where I wanted to. I just did. And now, a good 10 years later, it's still floating around in the back of my mind. How fair is that crap?

Originally Posted by rumpel

Fuck it. How do I get rid of all the shit that surrounds me?

By realizing that it’s not going to be there all the time, or at least changing how you react to how you label things as negative or annoying surrounding your life.

I wish that there were some people that wouldn’t exist at all in my life, and them actually dying would’ve made me feel better….a lot. But I know that it’s useless for me to go into wishful thinking because it will make me an even worse and immoral person than the people and events that I see as a detriment to my life.

Everyone will most likely go through many breaking points in their lives, some harder to fade away from their daily awareness to the point where the only thing they can do to cope with it is to find ways to sublimate it to something else that will make themselves feel better.

I know I’m not really experienced with anything, but what I am positive of is that when dealing with the shitheads and people who continually have insecurities towards me that leads to hatred and other negative emotions is simply acknowledging that I can just change how I conceptualize their actions.

In my perspective, realizing that people will always have things that create inconsistencies in how they view their purpose of life, and the only way to have a clear resolve in this life is to learn how to stop resisting. I’m not trying to be negative at all, I’m just saying that when you attempt to see things in a different light, you’ll be able to accept it and still move on with your life; or at least tolerate it practically.

Originally Posted by rumpel

No one ever asked me if I am okay with what I am before they put me on this cold, grey world.

There are a lot of things I could argue about that, but you have your beliefs and you have the right to accept whatever schema into what you think is reality.

Even if you’re in question of the bigger picture, or going beyond the concept of just being created from reproduction or whatever…eventually blaming someone’s existence that made your existence will be pointless simply because the source in this reality is going to die eventually.

I don’t know your situation for that, so I’m sorry for going on presumptions here, but you’ll eventually realize that you’ll reach a point where you are confident you are responsible for the decisions you make in this life. Ultimately, no one can really make the choice for you because you’re the one deciding how to react to the situation.

Even when things don’t go in your favor, how you react to them and knowing how to improve that response to this reality is the most reasonable thing in my opinion to fill in the void of your perception of this world being cold and grey.

The only thing I can conclude or suggest for this is just be open to other potentials you can take in this life that can add on to the endeavor of just staying strong and finding how to cope with it.

There are some things we won’t be able to understand, some things that we will be able to understand, but at least acknowledging that we have to work with what we have now and hoping for the best with a clear mindset is a better practice to do in my opinion.

Originally Posted by rumpel

I don't want to live and especially not here. And no matter what I do and try, those feelings seem to eat me up slowly.

Again, what I’m going to say is not being aimed at trying to force you to think something in another way, but like I said before, when it comes down to the bigger picture, you are responsible for your life. How you sublimate that responsibility towards others to mask the truth is what’s going to eat you up.

The more you spread it out, the more the thoughts become negative in your perception, and it becomes even more difficult where you just want to crawl up into a ball and forget everything that’s happening to you right now.

You may not really see any value in living here, and the only thing I can suggest is to find things that can fill in that void, something, anything that’s worthy of being accepted in your beliefs.

Those same thoughts of feeling helpless because you feel they’re eating you up are going to come back from time to time. It’s practically impossible to sustain positive intentions forever, but knowing how to balance both positive and negative emotional and mental inputs is how you can conquer those thoughts from eating you up.

There are just some things we have to accept as blemishes or sin on our innocence, but we can’t let those things eat us up. Just acknowledge those insecurities or complexes that come to you, and understand that it’s normal to have them, and just learn to accept the good as well to keep you moving.

At least take the initiative to see that whatever shit comes to you, whatever challenges come to you, take charge of your ability to increase your willpower to see beyond those difficulties. There’s always more than one way to conceptualize a situation or the people in your life.

Originally Posted by rumpel

Why is there no emergency stop? And why is there no easy way to quit?

When you engage in feelings of extreme helplessness, again, you’re inviting thoughts to try and fill in the void within you, but these same thoughts are negative and only make things worse for you.

If you want to find an emergency stop, try to practice on how you respond to the situation. I’ve stated this already, but that’s really what I think is a genuine “stop” button.

If you just “stop,” see what’s occurring to you, acknowledge what’s going on, and try to think of ways to handle it, that’s how you can easily quit about whatever difficulties that come to you.

Seeking to let go from this reality and escape from it permanently is not an emergency, if you take the time to just practice ways to see things differently and responding to them in a practical way, suicide or any form of death will become a useless speculation to worry about.

There are ways to handle a lot of things that make you want to forget this life and just escape from it. All you have to do is know you’re in existence now, and you can find ways to help cope with this life, and learn to stop placing resistance in things you believe that are causing a detriment to you for you to be engaging in those thoughts of letting go.

Personally, this is why I meditate more…it’s annoying at times, but it definitely helps me calm down and start looking at other probabilities I can consider.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you this, and I don’t expect you to follow them at all, but just know there’s other “emergency stops” that can help you and sustain your existence here.

You are responsible for your life in the long run, focus on your own best interest, but at least acknowledge other ways that can help you.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Other than all that, I've been very curious as to how caffeine effects my body. In my mind, when a medicine stops being effective, it no longer effects anything (blood pressure, pulse). Hubby and p-doc told me that's not exactly true.
So, I'm monitoring everything myself. The results are very curious to me.
At 11:40Pm, I took it. It was 113/75 pulse of 79. I took a caffeine pill and checked again at 12:40 AM; at which time my readings were 118/90 pulse of 78.

At 5AM, my readings were 121/90 pulse of 89. Took another caffeine pill. At 6, my reading was 121/75 pulse of 84. By 7, I was sound asleep. I MIGHT have taken a caffeine pill at 4:30, I wasn't sure if I forgot to write it down or not.
When I woke at 9:30, my blood pressure and pulse were 118/78 pulse of 67.
I took caffeine at 10:30 when I ate and my readings are now 127/84 78

To my untrained eye, the effects seem almost negligible (125/80 being most people's ideal, last I recall).
But because I might have screwed up with that 4:30 bit, I need to do it again.

Caffeine affects me in strange ways. I can sleep right after 40 mg, but anything over 60 causes uncontrollable shaking and my pulse increases a lot. I never really feel like it gives me any more energy. Caffeine is a weird drug.

Originally Posted by Woodstock

Caffeine affects me in strange ways. I can sleep right after 40 mg, but anything over 60 causes uncontrollable shaking and my pulse increases a lot. I never really feel like it gives me any more energy. Caffeine is a weird drug.

hehee, these are 200 mg pills I'm taking
Sometimes they help, sometimes I fall right to sleep, so I keep popping them in hopes they'll help keep me going. I normally take anywhere from 200-1,000 mg every day. I also drink at least 52 ounces of Coke a day
But I also go through phases when I don't take anything at all- to flush it out of my system etc etc.
I'm always a little jittery, but that's about it. It doesn't do anything to my "anxiety" (another reason I suspect I don't really have issues with anxiety lol).
I just wish I could afford my Provigil. Now THAT'S an amazing drug

The bird's finally settled down for the most part.
Hubby's not called me yet, which is strange, but I welcome not mingling. I love his kids, but I reek of an ashtray and I have no odor free clothes etc etc. Socializing is too ... ? awkward for me. Not really awkward. It's more of a bother even when I like the people I'd be socializing with

Rumpel and NewArtemis.

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

[...]

Wow, didn't expect anyone answering, especially not such a wall of text.
I have to agree on what you said and usually I'm not that down anymore. But at the moment I'm stuck in a hole and I don't know why. Nothing has gotten worse in the last week(s). To the contrary, my life's overall quality has improved a lot and I've been happy more often than before summer. I know that I should focus on seeing the life from it's good side but often enough I just can't or it's too hard. I'm also happier with myself than I was a (half) year ago and everything's in a process of improvement. But sometimes I just have to let it out or I swallow it down and then it's not getting better at all.
Oh and by not wanting to live _here_ I actually meant the country I'm living in and that I'd love to move somewhere else (there are two spots I'd love to live) but I built up my existence and everything around it here and I don't want to break it down.

Thanks for your reply. <3

Originally Posted by rumpel

Wow, didn't expect anyone answering, especially not such a wall of text.
I have to agree on what you said and usually I'm not that down anymore. But at the moment I'm stuck in a hole and I don't know why. Nothing has gotten worse in the last week(s). To the contrary, my life's overall quality has improved a lot and I've been happy more often than before summer. I know that I should focus on seeing the life from it's good side but often enough I just can't or it's too hard. I'm also happier with myself than I was a (half) year ago and everything's in a process of improvement. But sometimes I just have to let it out or I swallow it down and then it's not getting better at all.
Oh and by not wanting to live _here_ I actually meant the country I'm living in and that I'd love to move somewhere else (there are two spots I'd love to live) but I built up my existence and everything around it here and I don't want to break it down.

Thanks for your reply. <3

Oooooh. Whoops, horrible presumption on my end, I'm really sorry about that. >.<


*slaps head*




---

Rant: It seems I have to wait until next week to hear results on what to do with this probation thing. I'm confident my advisor is going to set up a meeting, because she's just the best FREAKING biochemistry advisor in this University.

I just hope I can get the Financial Aid and Scholarship advisor meeting before school starts, otherwise, no financial aid for me.

It's just weird having to set up an appointment after I did this appointment. So hopefully I can get those both in in a week, and hopefully have the appeal processed. My main concern for the circumstances was simply time management and anxiety.

And I'm sure I'm not the only person who went into academic probation, these people really go hard to prove in being a top university that also has research opportunities. Oh well, I might as well enjoy the time I have while waiting for next week.

I just hope this New Years Party goes well, I'll have to be babysitting 6 people in one room with one big bed playing video games all night. Ugh. Whatever, I'll just deal with having to worry about the appeal thing and trying to be sane babysitting young teenagers and children for the party.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

My dad doesn't seem to be able to comprehend the fact that just because you knock on my bedroom door doesn't mean you can just walk in immediately after.

My friend has been complaining about how her parents knock once and walk right in regardless of what she is/might be doing. That idea freaks me out; do lots of parents do this? If so... that's shitty.

Originally Posted by ThePreserver

My friend has been complaining about how her parents knock once and walk right in regardless of what she is/might be doing. That idea freaks me out; do lots of parents do this? If so... that's shitty.

My kids used to always do that (moreso as teens). I asked them "What if I was running around my room naked?" They didn't care lol. They still barged in after a couple knocks. Now, if I want privacy, I put my chair in front of my door (my door opens inward).

Here's another instance of caffeine not making sense. I took a nap from 5-9. When I woke up, my readings were 130/90 77. I ate and popped a pill. At 10, the readings were 128/82 94. My blood pressure went down, but my pulse went up

Hubby called a few minutes ago. I'm going to go over and chat when the pizza arrives

My rant is that my internet is majorly sucking. I can't watch Hulu or play WoW and CNN clips take minutes to load and then are choppy. Grrr... I wonder if a lot of people have been on-line today. My bandwidth usage has actually been less these last few days.

My anti-rant is that the bird has settled completely (for now lol). He's happily chittering in his cage.
My headache is finally gone after my nap. I'm happy about that too!

Christmas just made this adjustment even harder... I love my family, but damnit... they suck at giving gifts. Seriously, my two year old doesn't need a bike with training wheels... for god's sake he's still trying to figure out his tiny tricycle! (not sure if I spelled that right, oh well). They spend so much money on the most ridiculous things. And T's family likes to buy him LOUD and ANNOYING toys. THANKS GUYS! I'M SURE THAT WON'T WAKE THE BABY WHEN HE FINALLY LAYS DOWN FOR HIS NAP! ... Ugh. What happened to simple blocks and shapes?

And seriously, he doesn't need ten gifts from each grandparent... did you guys forget where we live? -.-

I felt like I was losing my mind tonight... still am. I think I just have to accept the fact that the house will be dirty and that has to be okay as long as the kids are fed and changed...

I just want to take a couple hours to myself and smoke a joint, but baby rules this case--no questions asked. At least his cute little yawns, his coos and yes, even his little burps after a full meal take away the chaos for brief moments and bring an enormous amount of joy for even a minute. I feel sorry for my two year old though... he's not liking this sharing mommy thing. I feel so guilty and I wish I could snap out of it, but I just feel so damn sorry for him. We'll make it I guess.

Originally Posted by Suena

I feel sorry for my two year old though... he's not liking this sharing mommy thing. I feel so guilty and I wish I could snap out of it, but I just feel so damn sorry for him. We'll make it I guess.

Hahaha, I don't blame your two-year old, if I was your child, I'd be jealous someone's going after my beautiful mother.


Wish you the best in keeping yourself sane as a mother and wife.

Originally Posted by GavinGill

I hate when when people ask you stupid questions. I'll walk into the kitchen and open the fridge door and my sister will go "lol gavin wat r u doin?" Or I'll be taking a shower and somone will knock on the door and go "lol gavin wat r u doin?" What the fuck do think I'm doing in the bathroom? Hell, you can hear the water running.

Dude! When I'm reading some flirting bitch will usually come up to me saying "watcha dooooin?" jesus. then they'll say, "watcha readin'?" you can see the damn cover!

My rant is that people won't stop coming in and out of my house! I'm trying to freaking sleep. Then my grandma asked if I wanted to come over and I freaked out on her explaining that I just Wang to sleep. Now I have to apologize.

Life's absolutely shit. Six years ago, I should have made a completely different choice. I had to choose between two high schools. And at that time, it seemed the right one. But now I totally regret it. I will never ever forgive myself for that. Yet another reason to hate myself..