Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

**~~Alyzarin~~** · 03-23-2014 01:28 PM

You guys.... This night has been ridiculous. O.O I need to catch up more on this thread, I really do... but for now I just wanted to give you a reminder of how awesome you all are. >w< I love you guys.

I'll type out a fuller post when I'm in a better mind to, but I just wanted to get that out there for now.... I'm six and a half hits deep right now.

**TwoCrystalCups** · 03-24-2014 12:05 AM

I knew one day i will go to court to defend myself.....but i never thought it would be for what i believe in....? Divorce...got to love it. Outcome coming soon.

**Zhaylin** · 03-24-2014 08:43 AM

Hathor

right back at ya, Aly

My rave is that I am MUCH better.
A rant is that I've been smoking only cigarettes instead of vaping.
Another rave is that I am fairly certain the e-cigs were causing my painful stomach problems. I've been eating next to nothing yet I don't feel punched-in-the-gut doubled-over-with-hunger. I've only taken a single dose of ranitidine since I got sick.
Another rant is that I cannot afford cigarettes

But I can't vape either. Other than the pain, I simply don't have a working e-cig. That expensive one I bought never turns off and tastes of burning plastic. And of course I have no idea where the receipt it

SO- over the next few days *I'm* going to sweep driveway and get extra money from my hunny

The kids can go suck it. I've been telling them to get the job done for months. Apparently, they don't want it (but of course, they'll try to "help" once i go out there. I don't think so.)

I'm sleepy enough to go to bed, but GAH!- I'm sick of sleeping. Maybe I'll do some laundry and clean my room a bit instead...

**Wishfulthinker** · 03-24-2014 01:00 PM

Spoiler for Yet more talk about Andy's party:

I resat an English paper and got a B/C on it. Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha up yours to my Lit teacher. See, this shows that when they actually sit and talk to me to help me I can actually achieve.

My bike’s going in for a service tomorrow. First service it’s had and it’s costing me £45! I’m poor at the moment and didn’t even get paid last night because my boss was away. Haven’t been paid since February 2nd.  Gah.

Thinking of work here’s an anecdote to make you all giggle…. I made some toast at work last night and I was washing up as I waited for it to pop and I heard the toaster ping, turned round and found my piece of toast had been pinged from the toaster into the polishing jug that was full of hot soapy water. I was devastated. War has been declared. I’m not happy about this.

Spoiler for People:

I was dog sitting last night. Rant and Rave. I got paid £20 for it which is seriously nice and the dogs are great but I’m not really a dog person and it meant that I couldn’t sleep in my own bed for another night and had to get up a whole hour earlier this morning to walk the dogs and then go home so I could get ready for school and after the lack of sleep I’ve had this weekend I’m exhausted.

Dad’s got his posting date too. It means he’s going to be moving jobs on May 12th and moving to another county which means I need the school to write a letter so we can send it in to the RAF and ask if we can stay in the same place. Gah. So complex.

So this was a bloody huge post to catch you all up about my life. I don’t even have everything here but this is a long enough post now. Ciao!
EDIT - It looked longer on word.... :L

**tommo** · 03-24-2014 02:45 PM

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

My rave is that I am MUCH better.
A rant is that I've been smoking only cigarettes instead of vaping.
Another rave is that I am fairly certain the e-cigs were causing my painful stomach problems. I've been eating next to nothing yet I don't feel punched-in-the-gut doubled-over-with-hunger. I've only taken a single dose of ranitidine since I got sick.
Another rant is that I cannot afford cigarettes

But I can't vape either. Other than the pain, I simply don't have a working e-cig. That expensive one I bought never turns off and tastes of burning plastic. And of course I have no idea where the receipt it

Hmmmm, that is interesting. I know you mentioned it before, but I didn't even connect it.
I had that feeling the other day. Was it just below the ribs, in the middle? Feels like your stomach has this pressure on it? Hurts like hell?

I thought it was an ulcer at first. It's gone away now though, so obviously not. I had it only for a few days.
Although I have been vaping less coz it's getting clogged and I need to get a jewellery cleaner coz all my atomizers are black lol

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

SO- over the next few days *I'm* going to sweep driveway and get extra money from my hunny

The kids can go suck it. I've been telling them to get the job done for months. Apparently, they don't want it (but of course, they'll try to "help" once i go out there. I don't think so.)

Sounds like they want to spend time with you, but don't want to make it seem like they need you.

Rant: Still too much studying and reports etc. to do. It feels neverending. Get up, study, drive, go to uni class, "break" time (for more studying), go to another class, drive home, study, drink and study, sleep. Repeat.

It's insane.

And I still feel behind. I only finish everything just before it's due. And I missed one of the tests already :S

Although I will say I am pretty proud of my progress - knowledge and study habits/determination.

**Iokheira** · 03-24-2014 03:45 PM

Hey Aly! Glad to see ya

Glad you're feeling better Zhaylin!

Rant: I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to the Febreze Allergen Remover spray that was just sprayed all over my apartment. Nice.

Another rant: I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep in weeks, I have a test today I'm pretty sure I will fail, and I have two tests or a test and a major assignment + homework and quizzes every week until the end of April, when I have all my finals. All the professors said "we should be fully charged from Spring Break" except that I was doing stuff then and had horrible insomnia. And they broke the schedule builder when they added a new feature to it (where you can register for classes at a click of a button). It would be cool, except I came across some obvious bugs when I was trying to pick classes, one of which wasn't even showing in the builder even though I know it's a real class for next semester. So I'm sticking to typing the old CRNs, just to be safe.

**DreamxCatcher** · 03-24-2014 04:38 PM

Originally Posted by hathor28

I knew one day i will go to court to defend myself.....but i never thought it would be for what i believe in....? Divorce...got to love it. Outcome coming soon.

Hathor hold off on computer...hold off on paperwork and please unblock me from fb, we really need to talk its very important. Even if I have to go up there for one day to talk I will...please dont tell your family our problems, we. need to work on our problems together. I have ti really discuss somethings with u okay. Come back to fb okay love and talk with me.

**Athylus** · 03-24-2014 04:43 PM

Went running today, made my english test fairly well, and I am studying now. Whenever I feel determined it lasts for a certain time (talking about my main goals in life here, which are weird atm) and sometimes it will be 1 day, or 5 days, or 21... 45 at max. I have yet to better that and I hope this streak will do that. I gotta learn to say no to weed, and I was thinking of going to a NA meeting again. I'm sober for nearly 3 days now, and it may sound like I'm making such a big fucking deal out of it but guess what... it IS a big deal. I feel like a lifeless bag of shit for a couple of days after smoking some, I feel tired, disconnected from reality as I perceive it (lolwtf I know) and I am just slow in processing which applies to everything... even things as simple as talking. I react slow and have to think a lot when I speak to other people, even though I do enjoy speaking to people. Yet I keep using weed in the weekends, it makes me mad at myself and I've placed my mind and body in a vicious cycle. There's only one way to escape, and that is to use izanami (just kidding, but lol for people who get the reference). BACK ON TRACK, only way to get out of it is to stop doing it! Yey!

... Were it so easy. (even more props for people who get THAT reference)

**Crashyy** · 03-24-2014 06:17 PM

For the past few weeks, I tried going to the school counselor but I just couldn't because I was too afraid.
I have PE tomorrow which means that I'll have to wear a t-shirt. And I cut myself last week so everyone will find out.
My friends will probably notice and so will the teachers. I'm not allowed to wear a jacket or anything with long sleeves.
And I really have to go to school tomorrow.

I tried putting on some nivea (lotion) on it but I really don't think they will be gone by tomorrow afternoon. My cuts are healling but they're still quite visible.
I'm so anxious, just knowing that my friends, teachers and parents will find out makes me feel physically sick omfg.
My life will be over

I don't wanna be put in a mental hospital or a psych ward

and I just don't like talking about all my problems to a psychiatrist. I honestly don't know what to do, I keep having these panic attacks.

I didn't sleep at all last night, I've been talking to some online friends because I was feeling really suicidal.
School was shit today, I forgot to study for two huge tests and I'm pretty sure I failed both of them.
My friends were so annoying, they even made me feel worse.
I just don't want anyone to find out that I cut myself

I will probably get bullied again
and I don't think I can handle that anymore.

**Arra** · 03-24-2014 08:48 PM

Originally Posted by Crashyy

For the past few weeks, I tried going to the school counselor but I just couldn't because I was too afraid.
I have PE tomorrow which means that I'll have to wear a t-shirt. And I cut myself last week so everyone will find out.
My friends will probably notice and so will the teachers. I'm not allowed to wear a jacket or anything with long sleeves.
And I really have to go to school tomorrow.

I tried putting on some nivea (lotion) on it but I really don't think they will be gone by tomorrow afternoon. My cuts are healling but they're still quite visible.
I'm so anxious, just knowing that my friends, teachers and parents will find out makes me feel physically sick omfg.
My life will be over

I don't wanna be put in a mental hospital or psych ward

and I just don't like talking to all my problems with a psychiatrist. I honestly don't know what to do, I keep having these panic attacks.

I didn't sleep at all last night, I've been talking to some online friends because I was feeling really suicidal.
School was shit today, I forgot to study for two huge tests and I'm pretty sure I failed both of them.
My friends were so annoying, they even made me feel worse.
I just don't want anyone to find out that I cut myself

I will probably get bullied again
and I don't think I can handle that anymore.

You shouldn't have to deal with that. If you can't skip class or get away with it some other way, you must force yourself to go to the school counselor or a psychiatrist. It sounds like that's the best thing you can possibly do right now. If you make it clear to the counselor your actual worries, like the stuff you said here, then they might be able to make things work for you. They might not tell your parents (they might have to because of the self-harm, but at least it would just be them), and they might be able to get you out of PE class. I actually did that when in high school, got out of a PE class due to a doctor's note from a psychiatrist. If you go to one of those, they will pretty much write you a note to get you out of anything your school makes you do if you can convince them it will cause you enough psychological distress.

I've also been trying to get the courage and backing out over and over to go to a school counselor (well it's more of an academic advisor and I just need to see what credits I need, so it wouldn't even be as scary) for the last couple weeks. But I'm in university. Lol. It's so easy to advise other people and to see exactly what they need to do. But when you have to do it yourself... everything suddenly becomes a lot more real and terrifying.

**Iokheira** · 03-24-2014 10:49 PM

Originally Posted by Crashyy

For the past few weeks, I tried going to the school counselor but I just couldn't because I was too afraid.
I have PE tomorrow which means that I'll have to wear a t-shirt. And I cut myself last week so everyone will find out.
My friends will probably notice and so will the teachers. I'm not allowed to wear a jacket or anything with long sleeves.
And I really have to go to school tomorrow.

I tried putting on some nivea (lotion) on it but I really don't think they will be gone by tomorrow afternoon. My cuts are healling but they're still quite visible.
I'm so anxious, just knowing that my friends, teachers and parents will find out makes me feel physically sick omfg.
My life will be over

I don't wanna be put in a mental hospital or a psych ward

and I just don't like talking about all my problems to a psychiatrist. I honestly don't know what to do, I keep having these panic attacks.

I just don't want anyone to find out that I cut myself

I will probably get bullied again
and I don't think I can handle that anymore.

While I don't recommend keeping this a secret from everyone for as long as you live, here are some ways that I've seen people hide their cuts. Bracelets, sweatbands, band-aids (if they're smaller, but if you have scars around the area it may just draw attention), makeup. And believe me, life goes on. I've been through this before. It's tough, but it goes on. I don't know how it is over there, but over here, I'm pretty sure you can't get stuck in a psych ward unless you're suicidal or have the intent to harm yourself, or if your parents make you. So...as long as you won't actually kill yourself, lie. I know that sounds like really terrible advice but it's what I did. If you're not ready for something, you're just not ready for it. On the other hand, if this is something that is really really ripping you up, maybe you should go to the doctor, see about getting some meds.

I don't know what your school counselor is like, but mine said that as long as I was trying to stop and wasn't going to kill myself, she wouldn't call my parents. That put me a lot more at ease, and I was able to talk through some things with her. One thing I can guarantee is that you're not the only one in your school who is struggling with this, and I seriously doubt the school doesn't know about all those other people. Talking to the counselor also formed a boundary between me and other people working at the school (such as the nurse, who made me afraid of medical personnel for a few years).

You could also use the hypothetical friend, like "I have a friend who I know cuts but he doesn't want to talk to you because he's worried you'll tell his parents and send him to the psych ward." They might say stuff to put you at ease, give you resources, etc. It's probable that they'd see through that but it would at least give you a way of getting information while still denying that you actually cut. *shrugs* I wish I could tell you a way to do things that would make everything ok, but I can't. You really just have to go with what you know and do the best you can. Someone will find out eventually, it's just up to you to decide what you'll do when that time comes, or make the choice of how and when yourself.

I wish I could help you more.

**Zhaylin** · 03-24-2014 11:18 PM

I ended up going back to bed.... and I slept for 12 hours

I also realized I wont be working on the driveway for the next few days. We're supposed to get more snow.

Seriously?! Gah!

tommo. That sounds about right. It's a very strange pain to accurately describe. I have duodenitis. It's a lot easier to type "ulcer" but it's really not the same thing. Duodenitis is inflamation. I also felt pain in that spot when my gallbladder was giving me fits. Just watch it. Occasional outbursts aren't that big of a deal, but when it becomes a daily part of life the pain seems much more exaggerated. If it's duodenitis, for you, Ranitidine does help but taking too much can cause a lot of problems (I'm half convinced that's why I got the flu. I read a couple places that suggested extremely high doses can lower your immune system). It can also become inflamed by food, cigarette smoke, illness.

I'm at a loss. I've not had the pain for a week or more so I've forgotten how bad it was

E-cigs are wonderful. Cutting down to 3 packs a week was wonderful. But I really like not being controlled by that "hunger". I remember that more than any pain. I couldn't even sleep for more than 6 hours because the hunger would wake me

Oh, and it's not that my kids want to spend time with me. They do already. They just don't want to work but want me to buy them stuff.

A new rant is that I've been sharing my bed with a spider

I have bites on my arm and my back. Stupid wolf spiders!

Crashy My pdoc says it's actually a myth about being thrown into the psych ward for everything. You're a minor, though, so I guess your parents could send you to be evaluated. But that would be for 24-72 hours- just to be sure your weren't going to kill yourself. Makeup works fairly well. Walmart sells this stuff that comes in red and green for scars.

everyone.

**Athylus** · 03-24-2014 11:43 PM

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

You guys.... This night has been ridiculous. O.O I need to catch up more on this thread, I really do... but for now I just wanted to give you a reminder of how awesome you all are. >w< I love you guys.

I'll type out a fuller post when I'm in a better mind to, but I just wanted to get that out there for now.... I'm six and a half hits deep right now.

We love you too! Thought you'd stop LSD btw? I think I read that in one of your previous posts, correct me if I'm wrong though. If not, damn you relapses! Btw where's that fuller post?

I did so much schoolwork today, I feel satisfied now. But I still have physics and maths to catch up to! Oh and there's this english assignment, and my project as well. So much to do, but I just looked at some cruiseship pics and we are talking about it on the dreamviews skype group and I am so motivated now!!
If you haven't joined that skype group yet, you should: http://www.dreamviews.com/general-lu...nterested.html

**LifeDreamer** · 03-25-2014 03:28 AM

We had to put my doggie Coco down today. She was only eight but was very sick from a bladder stone. She was having some issues that got better but then the last 24 hours she was very ill. The bladder stone ruptured her bladder. We were given the option to pay for an exploratory surgery, but from her xrays there was nothing really showing up for were her bladder was so it was a huge risk and very expensive. She was a very sweet dog, shy, and timid, and never bit anyone unlike my other dog who is a German Pincher. We will miss her.

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**Arra** · 03-25-2014 05:19 AM

Originally Posted by hathor28

Nevaeh is Canadian "dreamxcatcher".....born in Canada, she's not "also" American....you have to have my consent if i want her in duel citizenship....you can't just take her from me and say she's american when shes not. OMG wow. Divorce court has to be in Canada because we married in Canada...USA has nothing to do with our marriage, so i don't know where you are getting this court thing in usa? makes no sense. And i been telling you about divorce....and i told u i am doing it...never did anything behind your back. LOL!

Hey hathor.
I think you're having a conversation that would be more suitable for a private setting. You seem to have blocked him elsewhere and that's why he's communicating with you through here. But since he doesn't seem to be giving up, why not unblock him from somewhere else and be willing to explain things to him? I think I speak for everyone when I say it's been feeling kinda awkward witnessing these posts!

**TwoCrystalCups** · 03-25-2014 05:30 AM

Yes your right, i know he started it also so i think he needs to delete his too. And i won't be unblocking him, he just needs to stop stalking. I had enough of talking to him, we had a chance and now he's blocked everywhere because he's not understanding why, i think he never will...life in the internet.

**gab** · 03-25-2014 07:43 AM

Originally Posted by LifeDreamer

We had to put my doggie Coco down today. She was only eight but was very sick from a bladder stone. She was having some issues that got better but then the last 24 hours she was very ill. The bladder stone ruptured her bladder. We were given the option to pay for an exploratory surgery, but from her xrays there was nothing really showing up for were her bladder was so it was a huge risk and very expensive. She was a very sweet dog, shy, and timid, and never bit anyone unlike my other dog who is a German Pincher. We will miss her.

So sorry to hear that : (

**Athylus** · 03-25-2014 07:30 PM

Fuck I had to get a 4,5 for my test but got a 4,2 so I officialy failed my second subject. Now I can only get 57 points this year and lowest amount possible is 50 or you'll be kicked off, and now I got even more studying to do. So yeah... I hope shit goes well.

**Zhaylin** · 03-25-2014 09:02 PM

LifeDreamer. So sorry to hear about your pet

Athylus. Keep hitting the books. You can make it!!

No real rants from me. I saw my p-doc today and he asked me if I'm getting anything out of our time together (he asks that every so often to make sure I'm not frustrated or holding something back etc). I told him I'm not cutting anymore (thus far) which is great and I benefit from the appointments otherwise. He asked me how long I've been going to see him. I guessed "Wow... at *least* 6 years?" He shook his head no while he looking at my chart. 11 years. I've been seeing him since I was 28 years old

For most of that time, I've seen him once every single month.
My goodness how time flies!!!

**~~Alyzarin~~** · 03-25-2014 09:08 PM

Zhay and Artemis.

Art, I haven't forgotten about your other post!! I swear I'm getting to it soon. >w<

Originally Posted by Athylus

We love you too! Thought you'd stop LSD btw? I think I read that in one of your previous posts, correct me if I'm wrong though. If not, damn you relapses! Btw where's that fuller post?

I haven't had time to write it yet! As it is I'm at work right now and typing this up on my phone, where I can't like anything or really quote more than one person at a time do to space limitations. I *may* be able to get to it tonight though, I'm expecting to have some free time after I get off this evening.... I have been reading the thread on my phone in the meantime though.

If I talked about stopping LSD in a post, I must've meant it as in like for a few weeks haha. I actually did expect to do ibogaine first, but it took a little longer to set up than I thought. My friend actually does have it now though, I just have to go visit him and I can take it. The reason I took this LSD is because two of my very close friends are getting ready to move all the away across the country at the end of the month, one of whom is an old tripping buddy and the other of whom had never used any psychedelics besides DMT, and they're a couple. I was going to dose higher alone anyway until I heard that they wanted to trip too and couldn't pass it up. It was awesome.... Similar kind of feeling to the five hits but it came on more naturally, I just sort of slid into it. I was reaching a full visionary state too, though I was distracted by my friend who was new to LSD tripping insanely hard. When I did take a minute to observe the eyes closed display though I was getting this big purple and green pattern that I also get on DMT just as reality is about to shatter before my eyes. I think in another two or three weeks I'm going to take like 12-15 hits alone in the dark.

**Arra** · 03-25-2014 10:02 PM

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

LifeDreamer. So sorry to hear about your pet

Athylus. Keep hitting the books. You can make it!!

No real rants from me. I saw my p-doc today and he asked me if I'm getting anything out of our time together (he asks that every so often to make sure I'm not frustrated or holding something back etc). I told him I'm not cutting anymore (thus far) which is great and I benefit from the appointments otherwise. He asked me how long I've been going to see him. I guessed "Wow... at *least* 6 years?" He shook his head no while he looking at my chart. 11 years. I've been seeing him since I was 28 years old

For most of that time, I've seen him once every single month.
My goodness how time flies!!!

I'm sure you've mentioned this before, but what is a p-doc? Every time you mention that guy I'm wondering.

**Zhaylin** · 03-26-2014 04:52 AM

No worries Aly. I've mostly griped about being sick

Dianeva, a p-doc is my psychiatrist (some people use it for psychologist too). Other than my hubby, he's been the one adult I have to talk to IRL. I find him invaluable for that reason alone lol. And to think I was originally so opposed to seeing him in the first place!

My rant is a headache. That and since getting over the flu I can't pass gas without running to the restroom

I thought it was a stomach bug (and yeah, I know there's really no such thing but it's not food poisoning), but it's just my stomach returning to the extreme side of normal

I can't even eat my Slim Jims any more. What the heck? Since getting over the flu, they don't taste very good anyhow (way too salty). Looks like I need to find another safe to live on. Oatmeal might be the way to go. I've not had any for a couple of weeks but it seemed fairly well tolerated.

Another rant (of sorts) is that my oldest daughter (18) might be pregnant. Her test came back positive but she has a liver infection (bacterial) and she started bleeding so she's uncertain. She has a doctor appointment coming up so she'll find out then.
I learned about it over facebook

One of her friends sent me a message "Congratulations. You're going to be a grandmother."

So I called her and asked her. She wasn't going to say anything until her appointment so she's a little ticked off at the friend.
To make matters worse, she broke up with the father because he cheated on her again with 3 different people

I've told her, I don't know how many times, that he's a dog. He's an adorable dog and someone who can be a great friend, but he is NOT boyfriend material at this stage of his life. Let's see how long this breakup lasts (I've lost count of their breakups for the same reason).

Okay. One more rant is that my room is too dim. I lost another lightbulb so I now have 2 that are of lesser quality than I'm used to (60 watt instead of 100). I suspect it's one of the reasons for my headache. I despise the fact I can no longer buy cheap bulbs.

**Crashyy** · 03-26-2014 03:52 PM

So yesterday when I woke up in the morning I told my mum that I couldn't go to school because I was ill.
And she told me that I really had to go but I somehow convinced her to let me stay at home.
She made a doctor's appointment. And usually whenever I have to go to the doctors, I have to take off my hoodie to be examined.
The doctor was asking me all of these questions and I was just sitting there in the chair, shaking, sweating and my face turned bright red.
And then all of a sudden she asked me: 'is there anything else you want to tell me?' I don't think I've ever been so nervous in my life before.
But I didn't have to take off my hoodie, so neither my mum or the doctor saw my cuts. I guess I was really lucky this time.
My cuts are currently healing quite well and my next pe class is on Thursday so they should be gone by then

**Zhaylin** · 03-26-2014 05:17 PM

Glad you dodged that bullet, Crashy. Perhaps it's time to talk to someone though?

Found out last night my [step] dad has prostate cancer. I found out from Miley. she talks to my mom a lot on Facebook. I need to call tonight to find out what's going on...

**Crashyy** · 03-26-2014 06:24 PM

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Glad you dodged that bullet, Crashy. Perhaps it's time to talk to someone though?

Yeah, I just found out that one of my friends used to struggle with self harm aswell.
So I think I'm going to tell him and because I'm afraid of going to the school counselor by myself, he will probably help me get in touch with the counselor.
But we'll see how it goes