The Nomad Chronicles

I awake with a jolt, and leap out of bed. Wait? Glycon? I must be dreaming. The great hand puppet snake god of anarchy laughs into mist. I create a portal with my ChaoStaff, and fly to the moon. I battle with some kind of gross astral parasite mother creature in the wormhole with a wormhole Wyrm. I spin out of the wormhole, burning with violet flame to kill those lil buggers. I land on the Green moon with a Boom, slamming my staff into the ground. Raven appears flying in the sky wearing as Queen of Night, wearing a long black dress, with onyx horns spiraling out of her head, riding Shadow, a winged black panther.
Oh, you silly Nomad! Let’s go on a Mission. Vegeta appears out of a wormhole. “You two! You have not trained for some time. Want some training?” He says angrily challenging me. He slams his fist into his palm, and his hands burst into flame. He growls like distant thunder. I charge at him. I am so angry, and I don’t even know why. He sidesteps me, and laughs mockingly. “Look at you. You’ve grown weak. You’re so pathetic. You have no excuse for your weakness, the once-great Nomad! Ptah!”
I see Raven fighting a double of Vegeta in the distance. Hmph. I multiply myself and surround him. He morphs into a million tiny versions of himself and swarms over me like army ants, striking me as he runs over my body. I scream in rage, and he laughs again. He claps his hands and shouts, ‘SCENARIO!”

Raven and I are in a forest, on a hill overlooking a bowl-shaped valley. We have lost lucidity. “There, she says. The Beast lies within. From it, we will have our treasure that was stolen from my people so many ages ago.” I look at Raven. She’s an elf with black hair and violet eyes. She’s wearing some kind of dark metallic armor that makes no sound when she moves in it. “Underground, the labyrinth. Nomad, don’t you remember the mission?”
A geometric shape comes out of her third eyes, and into my mind. Download. Mission: Recover Artifact in center of Labyrinthe. The Artifact is guarded by a great Minotaur.
Raven and I levitate, and fly over the ground in a vertical position about three feet off the ground. Around the labyrinthe there are puddles of water collecting. I am wearing the markings of… A Templar? No! Wait… I see on my chest are many sacred symbols… I am wearing the armor of an elven knight, and have sprigs of vines in my hair, and the hilt of my sword has a strange red jewel… The Bloodstone. I am a Drow. I look at my Dark Elf face in the water. I have a long face, pale lavender skin, white hair, pointed ears, nose, chin. My eyes are slanted and black as night. My sword drinks the blood of my enemies… yes. My sword, with the sould of an ancient vampire infused into it, forever cursed, bound to me. In my right hand I wield a staff with a Chaos Star emblazoned. I am a Chaos Paladin. Fuck. Yes.
The labyrinth entrance is a rectangular hole in the ground with a ramp leading down. Raven and I float down. I slam my staff on the ground and a magical fire burns. Raven casts a Glow spell, and light moves down to the end of the hall.
We walk for a few minutes uneventfully until we are deep inside. I see a map in my mind. The ground shakes. A stone is pushed into the hall from a wall, a rotted hand reaches out. Fuck. Zombies. They come at us from all angles. We race down the hall, burning our way through the zombie hordes, blades aflame. My sword complains that there is no nice blood in the zombies.
We come to a great abyss with just a small ledge. We see the hole on the other side, our destination. We take to the air. Suddenly a flapping of a great many large leathery wings is heard, and the din of a hundred harpies screeching in rage. Raven laughs at them, casting wind spells at them, flinging them to walls. I sonically counterattack, and the harpies get vertigo and fall.
Raven and I make it to the other side. Right here, it’s on the other side of this wall, I can feel it, Raven says. We rub the wall with our hands and vibrate it until the molecules resonate, then walk through. We are in a large room with the sun shining on a golden orb floating above an obelisk. Raven smiles at it, and walks to it, in a trance. “Raven!” The Minotaur leaps from the shadows and tackles Raven. She grabs him by his great neck, and then he laughs and morphs into a Dark Elf. “My love?” Raven says. She grabs the man and kisses him. I feel confused. Hail Eris. Eris whispers in my ear. “Turn around.”
A great snake with long hair, about 20 feet tall, the size of 5 busses rises and whips me with its tail. “HERETICS!” it screams at me. Raven and the elf fling knives into the snake’s throat. My sword flies at the fresh wound, drinking in the blood through the air before the red liquid can hit the floor. The Bloodsword pulls me into the snake, and we slice it up from the inside out.
“SCENARIO. END.”
We are standing on the Moon. Vegeta is floating in front of the three of us. “Good job. Til Next time.”
Who is the man we were with? I look at him. Oh, Spike. The Vampire returns.